First 50 of Today's 100 Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. That by making L. the picture walks and picture books I make for him in emails and Word documents, I enjoy myself so much! I am spending time surrounded by loveliness throughout my searches for pics! 2. It is Wed am now. So many gratitudes! I cancelled my dr. for today (shrink) 3. And it was better for HIM too! 4. And so, L and I can go to the beach where he grew up! Yay! I’m going to see the community! 5. That he grew up on NYC’s lower east side AND that beach community in summers. 6. M – M! She had a lawyer, soon-to-be-ex-husband, his lawyer and her meeting last night. Finally. She has wanted this for like 5 months! 7. And – although it took FOUR HOURS, and she says she cried “the whole time,” IT IS SIGNED! Their legal separation is signed! 8. And in two weeks it goes for divorce! 9. And I am so happy for her that she is to be free of him!! 10. And – she may well get that house (rental) that she loves. 11. I have seen it online. 12. It is perfect for her and her girls! And in a perfect community! 13. I am so grateful that I am experiencing such happiness – such JOY – on another’s behalf! 14. And that although I’m at L’s (swoon), I did text her last night and call her this morning! Because this is that important! 15. I am grateful for a safe and uneventful trip out here yesterday. 16. And L’s affection upon seeing me. 17. And his amazing kiss. 18. And that he seems, lately, to kind of love me. 19. And I him. 20. I’m grateful that we had naked time together in bed yesterday right after I got here! 21. And then went into the city 22. And ate delicious Indonesian food at a lovely little restaurant. 23. And that I liked his friend, BW. 24. I’m grateful that we then went to Lincoln Center. 25. And heard Dutteleux music. 26. With a great conductor, whose name escapes me, but for whom this is his swan song season. 27. And - Yo Yo Ma! Oh my gosh, I’ve wished to see him for like 35 years! 28. He was, of course, amazing! 29. And L. had binoculars as we were in the highest tier where the sound is perfection but they’re visually kind of far away. So I could see close up twice when I felt like it. 30. And Yo Yo Ma was so gracious. In many ways. 31. And then, although the two men didn’t care to, L just “wanted me to be happy,” and I would have adored meeting Yo Yo Ma, so he took me to the green room! 32. I had never known about this. But he has met so many greats this way there! 33. Unfortunately we couldn’t get in. They’ve apparently changed the rule recently: ( but I’m so grateful that he tried. Fro me. And then we went to the subway and the ferry and bus. I prefer “taking a car(!)” But that IS expensive. 34. I have showered safely. Not always the easiest feat at his house. Grateful. 35. And I look cute. 36. And we’re kissing again! (Couldn’t last night because of my sore throat) 37. We’re going to have dinner out. 38. But lunch too! Yay! 39. And drinks. Like wine or beer. 40. I shared so much of my food and drink with him last night. 41. Here he comes down the stairs. That makes me grateful. 42. His tight body. 43. That I am able to sit here and do gratitudes. 44. Italy is here today! 45. And Latvia! 46. And United Kingdom! 47. And Canada! 48. And Russia! 49. And United States! 50. Maybe I’m helping someone!

Affirmations

I am great! I am lovable! I am sexy! I am desirable! I am smart! I have a wonderful personality! People love to be around me! I am great! I am lovable! I am sexy! I am desirable! I am smart! I have a wonderful personality! People love to be around me! I am great! I am lovable! I am sexy! I am desirable! I am smart! I have a wonderful personality! People love to be around me! I am great! I am lovable! I am sexy! I am desirable! I am smart! I have a wonderful personality! People love to be around me! I am a wonderful, lovable, desirable girlfriend! I am a wonderful, lovable, desirable girlfriend! I am a wonderful, lovable, desirable girlfriend! I am a wonderful, lovable, desirable girlfriend! I am a wonderful, lovable, desirable girlfriend!

Feelings Work

I feel: Happy to be off from school. But WORRIED about money, regarding the J. stuff Determined to get lawyer etc. on all of it asap. Scared. Fat. In love. Horny. Hoping L. still accepts and wants me. Sore throat. Took Ziacam. Basically good. But nervous. Next time I will do differently: Maybe exercise FIRST. Same = keep functioning after school gets out, as this year. Eat so well as do more and more. Do ALL my spiritual work, pretty early. Practice EVERY day of the year (virtually) - (piano) 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am sexual 2. I am generous 3. I am fun to be with. L. says so, MA says so, and M says so. And they're not the only ones, either. 4. I have always kept up with my mother, which is about a million times more than the "sister" does/has EVER done! 5. I have a conscience.

100 Grats Today

I am grateful: I am grateful: 1. That I DID call sponsor this morning. That sponsor said, “Not one living entity lives without problems. Because that’s what living is: problem solving.” 2. That that helped me. Because I am SO HAPPY to be off from work! But immediately started worrying about my financial future as per J. but am calming down now. 3. That little doggie is here. It is raging storm outside, and she is scared, but I am a comfort to her. In fact, she is resting her chin on my hand as I type! 4. That although it does seem to have given me a sore throat (allergies), that she slept with me in bed last night. The spinach salad I threw together Saturday. ) Fresh baby spinach leaves, ripped Garlic powder (noticeable amount) Little dried oregano Extra virgin olive oil Balsamic vinegar Mix WELL – want moist Add whole (or half) pistachios, straight from the shell) 5. That L. loved it 6. And K and I too 7. That I served us 3 great hfs lunch 8. That K was here! 9. And at the same time as L and doggie! Happy me! 10. That L ADORED his double-session with K. I am SO gratified that it was so good for him! 11. And that I treated him to it! 12. That he was in a state of real relaxation for hours! 13. And we then had a great time in the little town, T. 14. And then perhaps even better in I! 15. And lovely glass of wine(me) and beer(him) 16. And then great Indian dinner 17. And home to relaxation together. 18. And a good night’s sleep – well good enough – not deep and perfect straight through when sleeping together (yet?) but when I would roll over and put my hand on his chest, he would smile and moan “lovelyly” IN HIS SLEEP: ) 19. That we were so caress/affectionate Sun. morning. 20. Oh, I love his touch. And mine of him. Both are beautiful to me! I am so HAPPY to have L’s touch! 21. And that we are both so touch-sensitive. 22. Friends. 23. That I have friends. AND that L. has friends. 24. And that we now share some in common. 25. Bear cubs 26. Wolf pups 27. Tortoises 28. That Alex Trebec’s heart attack was mild 29. L’s kiss. Oh my gosh, I have never in my life felt anything like it. 30. That I am learning (finally!) to keep things a bit lighter/less complicated! Yaaaay! 31. Orgasms 32. L’s body 33. Plants 34. Flowers 35. Flowering plants 36. My pillowcases, 3 sets, that I have embroidered myself, with crewel work. They are beautiful. 37. That I have a house. 38. That it is neat! 39. That I intend to keep it that way! 40. The healthy breakfast I had this morning: Ezekial cinnamon raison toast with pb and a banana, coffee with vanilla almond milk, supplements, and water: ). So lucky! 41. That my mother is okay, in the day. 42. That doggie is sleeping against me right now. 43. My feet 44. My current pretty pink pedicure 45. That I am going to L’s tomorrow! 46. And in the am we shall make love, I expect! Yaaay! 47. And then do some work. 48. And then have some MORE fun. 49. And then go into the city for dinner. 50. Maybe with one friend. 51. Or two. 52. And we will be on the romantic ferry. 53. And then to Carnegie Hall! 54. For Duttelieux 55. With Yo Yo Ma! 56. And then a sleep-over with my L. 57. POSSIBLE beach day Wed. 58. OR dr. 59. That M is coming here on July 2 for K session! Reiki! 60. And L should be here too, for another one: ) 61. That I am about to practice piano. 62. That I went to O’s child-students’ concert yesterday! 63. By myself! 64. And – and this is HUGE – I “encouraged” L. to leave here early, as he was only going to stay like another half hour, and that would have meant I would miss the concert. 65. I’m glad I was there for her (O) 66. And for the two little girls I love, both of whom played 67. And for all the kids, because I am a very good clapper 68. And for me! Because it inspired me. And I came home and had a very good practice. 69. I am grateful that L is cleaning his bathrooms today for my visit tomorrow! 70. And that he is steam cleaning his kitchen floor too! 71. And that he brought masking tape and taped the openings in my air conditioners in windows for me 72. And Styrofoam for me to put inder my laptop so there is air flow (it has negative space) for the heat generated by the laptop. These were very caring things. 73. And he put Gary Null on my iPod for me! 74. That I HAVE a new iPod! 75. That some old people look young. 76. And maybe I will too! 77. That I feel well! 78. That I did a little school work yesterday. And happily. 79. This: 80, And this, which sums up my deepest spiritual belief: “I repeat: We are called upon to treat animals with kindness, not because they have rights or power or some claim to equality, but because they don’t; because they all stand unequal and powerless before us.” -- Matthew Scully from Dominion 81. That J will pick up doggie later 82. That my pharmacy delivers 83. That they are delivering to me this morning. 84. That M and I just ordered books from Booksourse. 85. I will do some planning today. At table. D.r. or sunroom. With music on! 86. And listen to Gary Null! 87. And cook something healthy! : ) 88. And continue eating well! 89. That I haven’t ever had a horrible disfiguring accident. I did have a bad accident, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been! 90. That I speak pretty well. 91. That I am reading a good book I’m enjoying. 92. Doggie at my feet now 93. I can nap today if I feel like it! 94. That my mother has her friend M! 95. That my M has her parents to help her through all the horribly complicated divorce stuff (I wish I had that, but I’m glad she does) 96. And I’m so grateful that I do feel that way! 97. That I do this spiritual work 98. that K was a reminder to me that we also need bodily strength 99. Coffee. I do believe I’m about to have a little more! : ) 100. Honest people who courageously reveal the truth!

Readings - The Language of Letting Go

Withholding Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we close ourselves off from a person we're in a relationship with. Our body may be present, but we're not. We're not available to participate in the relationship. We shut down. Sometimes, it is appropriate and healthy to shut down in a relationship. We may legitimately need some time out. Sometimes it is self-defeating to close ourselves off in a relationship. To stop being vulnerable, honest, and present for another person can put an end to the relationship. The other person can do nothing in the relationship when we are gone. Closing ourselves makes us unavailable to that relationship. It is common to go through temporary periods of closing down in a relationship. But But it is unhealthy to make this an ongoing practice. It may be one of our relationship sabotaging devices. Before we close down, we need to ask ourselves what we are hoping to accomplish by shutting down. Do we need some time to deal To heal? To grow? To sort through things? Do we need time out from this relationship? Or are we reverting to our old ways - hiding, running, and terminating relationships because we are afraid we cannot take care of ourselves in any other way? Do we need to shut down because the other person truly isn't safe, is manipulating, lying, or acting out addictively or abusively? Are we shutting down because the other person has shut down and we no longer want to be available? Shutting down, shutting off, closing ourselves `and removing our emotional presence from a relationship is a powerful tool. We need to us it carefully and responsibly. To achieve intimacy and closeness in a relationship, we need to be present emotionally. We need to be available. God, help me be emotionally present in the relationships I choose to be in.

Readings - In This Moment

In This Moment, I'm grateful for the bad times. I'm grateful for all my life experiences, good and bad. If I could go back in time, do things differently, and have only "good" days, who would I be? I know I wouldn't be who I am today. The good days are smooth sailing and fun, but I've learned so much about myself from these bad days. The bad times test my strength and open my eyes to the issues I need to address. i now see painful experiences as growth opportunities. At these times, I travel further along the road of recovery.

Readings - Voices of Recovery

A person doesn't have to be abstinent to be welcome at OA meetings . . . In fact, many of us have kept coming back to OA despite problems with abstinence and have found this to be the key to our recovery. OA 12 & 12 p. 130 - 131. I am thankful that OA doesn't base its membership requirements on weight, but only on a desire to stop eating compulsively. Sometimes I could only show up at a meeting and contribute to the Seventh Tradition. I cried, nodded, and tried to act as if everything was okay, even though i was falling apart emotionally. By the grace of my God and my courage not to leave the rooms, something miraculous happened over time. i heard the message of those long-time abstaining members. It didn't happen that one day I did everything OA suggests, but slowly I started to ask the right people profound questions. This eventually led me to the one person who was willing and strong enough to overcome every obstacle I put up to resist recovery. It works, no matter what.

Readings - For Today

People to whom nothing has ever happened cannot understand the unimportance of events. T.S. Eliot To a person who feels hurt and lost, the life of a movie star or a jet-setter can look grand, and without a problem. "If only I had such-and such, I would be all right." "If only something would happen to me, my life would be better." Events are on the outside, and problems are on the inside. Possessing objects or engaging in activities that attract attention can be distractions that keep one from dealing with feelings of insecurity, frustration, anger or low self-esteem. Such problems cannot be eradicated from the outside. It's an inside job. For today: Recovery holds out the promise of a better life than I ever dreamed possible. The most important thing I can do today is the footwork that is bringing it about.

Affirmations

I recognize and appreciate my partner's positive actions. I recognize and appreciate my partner's positive actions. I recognize and appreciate my partner's positive actions. I am thankful to be loved by L. I am thankful to be loved by L. I am thankful to be loved by L. I am giddy with love for L. I am giddy with love for L. I am giddy with love for L. I choose to allow joy into my life through my relationships. I choose to allow joy into my life through my relationships. I choose to allow joy into my life through my relationships.

My Feelings Work Today

I feel: Happy! Grateful! Hopeful! Enjoying the moment! Clean! Sexy! Sort of loved, by L. Loved by God Even happy with myself! 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am able to enjoy life! 2. I didn't give up. Even M. said the other day that I am like the Energizer Bunny... 3. I am pretty. 4. I am sexy. 5. I appreciate nature.

Today's Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. 1. That L and I have been together for almost 4 months 2. My doctor 3. L said wonderful weekend – not elaborate – just being with you, it was a total delight! 4. And the sunshine… 5. And I said it was like it was touched by a magic wand 6. That M is my close friend like sisters should be. 7. Every time I have any kind of good feelings about myself. 8. That although I didn’t so much last night, it all turned out fine. 9. The flowers comments Sat. L: “Who bought the flowers?” (like uh oh) Me: “I did.” L: “Oh I should have brought you flowers.” . . . So sweet 10. That he tried to straighten up the sunroom. Without my asking, of course! 11. That I don’t have cancer. 12. That I talked with my sponsor this am 13. That I sent L the picture letter this morning and he loved it 14. That I do those picture letters. So fun. Never knew anything like it before 15. 5 more days of school. Phew. 16. And then no more of the disgusting saboteur aide! Sorry to feel that way, but do. 17. That I am healthy 18. That I have food. Good food. And plenty of it. 19. And my two hands 20. That both work 21. And my two feet 22. That both work 23. And a shower 24. And a bathtub 25. And enough time in the day. Oh, I always *feel * behind and lately with recital coming up, a bit overwhelmed, but I do really have enough hours in a day. Not like I’m working 5 jobs or something. 26. With divorce and mother stuff, so grateful that AM getting through it all 27. That although M is now in the profound loneliness stage, it does mean (and I was able to tell her this) that she is that much closer to the exit out of this box of hard times. 28. That I appreciate people on the spectrum. 29. And now it is June 23. And I shall pick up from there. I am grateful that I got out of school for the summer yesterday. 30. AND BIG TIME(!) that I DID do the stuff to be ready for today. Rather than thinking I was too tired and needed to put this off. 31. That I had a mani-pedi today. 32. And a nice long hot shower. 33. And that I got up at 3am (!) and cleaned up the place. 34. And L is here 35. And so is K (Reiki person) 36. And they are having session right now – double 37. While I am in here doing my spiritual work 38. And my doggie is here! I haven’t seen her in 3 months! And she is here now. 39. And she smelled like the dust-house in which they live. So I bathed her. 40. Another thing I didn’t want to do! And have never done before! But I DID it! 41. And it was awesome! 42. And SHE seemed to feel good too! 43. And I blew her dry some 44. And gave her yard-sunshine 45. And right now she is happily “dug in” to her little box that she loves so much and that is always here and left open for her. 46. I am grateful for her plume tail. 47. And that I did bathe her, for L’s sake. 48. But it was also nice bonding for us! 49. AND – it made ME feel like a competent person – woman! Wow. 50. That I packed that classroom. 51. And redid what custodian said I had to. 52. And it was hot and humid and I was sore and tired and thought I couldn’t do it, or couldn’t do it right, or couldn’t do it enough, or certainly couldn’t finish in time. BUT I DID!! 53. I am grateful that I didn’t miss this day. EVERY OTHER SUMMER I miss these first few days. Tired, lying around, “free time” til July… Well THIS is FREE time too! And better! 54. And my house is at least in some sort of order. 55. And from today on, people could even stop over without notice! Drop in! YAAAY! 56. I am grateful that L and I kissed romantically as soon as we saw each other. 57. And for a nice long time, too. 58. And that we always do. I don’t want to be his friend or brother/sister type thing. 59. And that I’m actually ok on the nights when I’m sleeping alone. 60. My mother is out of the hospital and out of the nursing home rehab place. 61. And I helped her so much. 62. I just kept doing “the next right thing.” 63. I am so grateful for my sponsor! Who guides me to calmness and sanity and serenity. So grateful. 64. And – grateful that cancelled dr. this Wed (3 days ago). 65. I am grateful that I have a spinach salad in the fridge right now. 66. And that K is staying for lunch. I am VERY shy and kind of afraid of the socializing, but we will do it. And we will be fine. 67. I am grateful that this day, I am not destitute. 68. And that this day, I am even comfortable. 69. And that I have that little Coby thing for the Reiki music in there. 70. I am grateful for my piano. 71. My Bach piece. 72. My Reinhold piece. 73. And, gulp, my upcoming recital. 74. And for lots of time to practice now! Starting tomorrow – when L leaves. And Monday, Tues morning early before I leave, Wed when I get home, and every single day for as much and as long as I can. 75. And that I HAVE been practicing and trying my best. 76. And for the sense of spirituality that has overcome me today as I was driving to get Phoebe and K was already here with L. 77. And that I called and spoke with my mother. 78. And visited a bit with her and her dear friend M yesterday 79. And took her shopping. 80. And set up the Meals on Wheels interview for her on Monday. 81. I am SO GRATEFUL for the sense of new start I had yesterday. Pink and clean and hopeful and all kinds of good and new. 82. And that L said yes to me and him doing our scheduling work TOGETHER at his house Tues! 83. Before we take the ferry and go to dinner with 1 or even 2 friends in the city 84. And then the concert! So exciting. 85. And for the gifts I did get from the students’ parents. 86. I am actually grateful for that video of the girl orgasming. It is not disgusting porn type stuff. I find it beautiful. 87. And I think I might show it to L later. He’d like to see it. Again, it is not like gross porn type stuff. 88. I am grateful that my principal liked me. 89. And that I can exercise EVERY DAY NOW! 90. And that I have fresh, clean water. Plenty of it. How lucky! 91. And bananas. 92. And a peach. Both in the kitchen right now. 93. And that doggie seemed to be looking for her OTHER food when she got here! The food *I * usually have for her. I’m so glad! 94. And that I HAD a couple of treats left for her. Will buy more too. 95. SO HAPPY TO HAVE HER HERE! 96. I am grateful for the REALLY PRETTY thongs (flip flops) I am wearing right now. 97. And the pretty top 98. And the pretty bra 99. And that my hair looks so nice 100. And my face 101. And my little makeup 102. ***And that I didn’t kill myself! Thank you, God, for all the gifts!

Readings - The Language of Letting Go

Letting Go of Old Beliefs Try harder. Do better. Be perfect. These messages are tricks that people have played on us. No matter how hard we try, we think we have to do better. Perfection always eludes us and keeps us unhappy with the good we've done. Messages of perfectionism are tricks because we can never achieve their goal. We cannot feel good about ourselves or what we have done while these messages are driving us. We will never be good enough until we change the messages and tell ourselves we are good enough now. We can start approving of and accepting ourselves. Who we are is good enough. Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too. We can be who we are, and do it the ways we do it - today. That is the essence of avoiding perfection. God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies. I will give myself permission to be who I am and let that be good enough.

Readings - In This Moment

In This Moment, I'm co-sponsoring. My co-sponsor and I have a great relationship, in spite of the fact that we live thousands of miles apart. We communicate through e-mail. We are working from CoDA's The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook. We answer the questions and share with one another. We did an electronic Fifth Step. I'm working my recovery program on a deeper level. As a result, I'm learning more about myself.

Readings - Voices of Recovery

We express our desire to become more effective in serving and helping others as our shortcomings are transformed into assets. OA 12 & 12 p. 63 I read Step Seven many times but missed this part: my shortcomings will be transformed into assets. I had often heard that my character defects were good instincts gone awry, but it never quite registered. If they started out as assets, then why wouldn't God want to convert them back? Knowing that I could become the person i pretended to be filled me with peace. I no longer have to try to be "good." God does it for me. My character defects surface on a daily basis. I love knowing that God transforms them - not to glorify me, but to do His bidding. Step Seven lays the foundation to work the rest of the Steps. When working with sponsorees on Step Seven, I ask them to list their glaring character defects. They together, we list the assets into which God will transform them. it has become a beautiful piece of Step work for me. When just listing character defects seems too negative, looking at the positive - the asset side - gives us hope. WOW I REALLY NEED THIS TOO, TODAY!

Readings - For Today

For Today A small daily task, if irt be really daily, will beat the labors of a spasmodic Hercules. Anthony Trollope What's the secret of digging a garden, writing a novel, taking a fourth-step inventory or abstaining from compulsive overeating? OA gave me the answer: attend to the business at hand each day, one day at a time. I used to think the only way to tackle major projects was in great bursts of concentrated effort. Like a child with a short attention span, I would tire myself out with the intensity of sporadic effort and then go on to something else. Today I still tend to see a difficult task in terms of the total time and effort it will take. But there is one lesson I have learned well: The only time I have to abstain and practice the program of recovery is TODAY. For today: It is this day's abstinence that guarantees me continued sanity and freedom - nothing else. WOW I NEEDED THAT! PERFECT FOR ME TODAY!

I'm Off from Work and I'm Really Here and Able Now!

And Birdie, I love you! Recommitting to DAILY spiritual work. L is RIGHT NOW in other room with my Reiki Master, having a double session, as a treat from me! And I'm in here doing spiritual work. And ~my doggie~ is here! I haven't seen her in 3 months! She's gonna be here a couple or few days each week for the whole summer! Yay! I gave her fresh food and fresh cold water, a bath (she smelled!), blow dry, time in yard, and a treat. And lots of love! She is now in her little box-den and quite happy. So am I

:) Birdie :)

Hi Birdie! I love you! Yay you and the - um - fun! xoxo

Affirmations

I am good enough. I am desirable. I deserve to live. I deserve to be loved. I am loved. I am healthy. I love my life. I am good enough. I am desirable. I deserve to live. I deserve to be loved. I am loved. I am healthy. I love my life. I am good enough. I am desirable. I deserve to live. I deserve to be loved. I am loved. I am healthy. I love my life. I am good enough. I am desirable. I deserve to live. I deserve to be loved. I am loved. I am healthy. I love my life.

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am so grateful: 1. Oh my God I have this very morning just been given the longest orgasm in history. 2. And, I always thought I loved certain activities just faster faster, but L. also got sort of slow intense and light at the same time, and it was so – SO beautiful and wonderful and sexy and hot. And comey. And sweet. All at once. Oh my God. 3. And then he was tenderly and deeply kissing parts of my body. 4. And then, that soft full-handed slow, light massage that I love SO MUCH. And I kept being tempted to do more of that to him too, but I had just had the longest orgasm in history, and just let him give (more) to me for a few minutes. It was heaven. 5. And that before it, we were pleasuring each other and both sort of moaning. I just loved that. It was like amazing foreplay and also satisfying all in itself. 6. Of course then I was touching him. I cannot resist him. He is L. 7. And he loved some of the earlier things I was doing to him and it pleases me so to give him pleasure! 8. And there were other touch-things. Like two of them Friday night. One when out of nowhere he just leaned over and gave me warm kisses on and down my neck. 9. And another time when he leaned over and gave me a kiss, out of nowhere, on the top my breasts (fully clothed, just sitting there.) Oh I loved that so much! 10. That although I WISH I weren’t taking that 4-day course, and definitely that I weren’t going to be in that recital – oy! – I choose NOT to live in a state of: as soon as this is all over, I can relax. Oh, it is TEMPTING TO, but I shall fight it – or better yet, *gentle * it away. And continue to enjoy every day. I am so lucky for that! 11. That I had/have foods here for L. that he likes. 12. And that he is comfortable to take them or ask for them, as he wishes. Yay. 13. That at the movie last night, we were in physical contact the whole time. I adore that. Physical contact with my lover is so important to me. 14. That at the end of the movie, out of nowhere, my darling man leaned over and gave me the most passionate kisses and tongue kisses. It was divine. 15. And that when we were talking about our favorite parts of the movie, he said his was when she told him he could touch her breasts, “because that’s when they became intimate.” Oh I loved hearing that. 16. That my easiest gratitudes are now, while L. has been here (and is still here). 17. That L. says he feels very comfortable here. 18. That he let me pay for the museum and dinner. Because I am there far more often so far than here, and he pays for everything when we’re out there. So I like to pay when he is here. ***It is VERY important to me that this NOT – not not not feel like or become friendship! Like, we alternate paying or go “Dutch treat.” I do not want to be his “friend.” I want to be his lover. Thank goodness I am. But although some women think they should NEVER pay for ANYTHING, I think it is fair to reciprocate in some ways. Pay sometimes, treat him to things like Mrs. G’s foods, etc. 19. That when L. got here Friday, he dropped his things, we kissed passionately and put our arms around each other, and his hands were exploring me up and down my body and he said, “Oh, I’ve missed how Cheryl looks. How Cheryl feels.” And he was breathing me in and he said, “How Cheryl smells.” Oh. 20. And this morning after our sexual time together, we were holding so closely and he said, “I love the way your feminine curves feel against me.” 21. That he liked the pillowcases I embroidered. And said so. 22. And that he was so touched, and showed it, when I told him he was the first person to ever sleep on them. Oh. So lovely. His eyes. So touched. 23. That there were a few things like that. Firsts –“ I’ve never before” things. 24. Including I’ve never sent cards to a guy before. Let alone the expensive fancy ones, and I spend so much time on them! Yay. 25. Or emails. With pictures. 26. And that I have never pressed my thumb and forefinger together on someone’s fingertips. I learned it from him, this beautiful touch. 27. And even the “almost firsts.” Like that * he’s * only ever done that with one person. 28. That he has taken massage class(es). I did not know that, and mentioned that *I’d * like to! What a man, to have done that! 29. We got to dance together, just for fun a little, at the staff party! 30. And people got to see my L. 31. And – we *danced our way out the door! * 32. And this is a biggy. A biggy. Okay, so I am not, like, jealous, of past people – we are both late 50’s or 60 of COURSE we’ve been with, slept with, liked or even loved… before! Still, it was difficult that awful time (I’m having a visceral reaction even while I’m writing this) when he said those specific things. Moving on…It has also sometimes felt awkward when we’ve socialized with people with whom he’s – been. I hate that it has sometimes felt funny. I hate it about myself and *for * myself too. BUT! ----- this weekend especially, I have shared little things with him – nothing inappropriate – about guys from my past – 3, I think – and his response was so open and fun and loving and warm. That THAT has REALLY HELPED ME!!! Because the way he sees/feels that, I’ve started to feel about his past people too! It doesn’t matter. They’re part of who we are now! Yay relief relief yay yay relief. So grateful about this. 33. So that yesterday, he shared a little story or two as we were walking along in that town, and I could just ENJOY them! 34. And that he was sensitive enough to ask at one point, is this okay? 35. And that it was!!! 36. And that I’m sneaking a special card into his suitcase before he leaves today. 37. And some ginger tea bags too. 38. And that I gave him the poppy seeds. 39. L’s cleverness regarding Leo. : ) (the puppet – long story). 40. L. playing my piano this weekend. 41. And that no one else (except tuner and piano teacher) has EVER TOUCHED it. 42. And that I LOVE when he plays it! It makes me so happy. 43. And I think he likes doing it too. 44. And he plays well! 45. And he sight-reads well! 46. And yesterday – yesterday morning he agreed to try/do some little mediation with me! 47. And thinking he’d say 7, or if I were lucky 8, I asked, “7, 8, 12, or 14 minutes?” And he said 14! 48. And we did it. In the sunroom. On the cushions. 49. And it was so very pleasant. 50. That my mediation is such a joyful practice. 51. Now he was lying down, but I was happy for him about that. 52. And he WAS there with me….! 53. And he did fall asleep. But good. I’m glad he was comfy. 54. And I kept sharing the great meditation vibes with him as I continued. 55. Then, afterward, I moved my cushion and cleared myself and the aura 56. And I put my arms out and my hands into Reiki position and gave him some positive energy. 57. I am even typing more slowly now. Because this was very reverent to me. And I’m SO grateful for that spirituality of mine. Thankful thankful thankful. 58. I am grateful that he has given his permission that I may give/send Reiki energy to him at ANY time without checking in. How wonderful! 59. And I am extremely grateful that he is healthy! His dr. appointment went well and nothing trickidy/bad was found! ! ! 60. The music. L-music. On his ipod. On the radio. On his amazing CDs. 61. The Sviridov! What a share! 62. That he has enjoyed the composer correspondences he has! I am grateful on his behalf. 63. And grateful that I am able to be grateful on his behalf! 64. The CDs he has made for me! So generous. Giving me this life-gift! 65. And he has said he will be happy to make more for me! 66. And that he is going to teach me to use my new (first) ipod when it comes! 67. And that he gently pushed – we’ll say, encouraged : ) me to call when it didn’t’ get here THREE DAYS after it was supposed to! 68. And that I did 69. And that they are sending another. 70. And it will be ONE DAY delivery 71. And FedEx or UPS 72. AND that it will be free shipping and handling 73. Plus a refund of the $19.99 I’d already spent. Good 74. That L and I had some very nice Melbac (sp) last night. 75. And some decent Cabernet Savignon too. 76. That we have now gone to a regular movie together. We had seen the wonderful Pina Bausch movie, and now the Moonrise Kingdom too. 77. And that after the whole meditation thing yesterday morning, I closed the sunroom (French) door and let him sleep. 78. And *I * went into the living room, put on the *practice pedal * - and PRACTICED! 79. And he commented, complimentarily, on my Bach. (I’d been sure he couldn’t hear a thing). Even though I was only sort of slowly going over passages! That felt SO nice! 80. That O and I had nice texts yesterday. 81. I’m even grateful that L was able to ask this morning for the toast the way he likes it. 82. And to ask me last night, to not ever put a glass or cup on his musical scores. Meanwhile, I’d rather stick pins in my eyes lol (Sat. Night Live reference) but he didn’t know that, so I’m SO gratified that he could ask! 83. Although I’m frustrated that I’m not sure if I give him the amount of pleasure he gives me, I’m grateful that I care about trying to! Got to figure this one out, though. 84. And that we BOTH seem to be desirous of pleasuring the other. 85. And that we are polite to each other. 86. And we have never yelled and screamed at each other! Phew. I do NOT want that! 87. And that we are respectful of each other. 88. And accepting of each other. 89. And – biggy! – that we are both happy in our lives. Our own lives. 90. That when he got here Friday, my L. said, “Oh, it’s such a _______ little house.” I forget the word, but it was so nice. Like warm, or homey, or charming, or sweet or something 91. I am literally sitting here, on a Sunday morning, listening to L. play the piano. (And of course, with that ridiculous off the charts brain – both left and right brained, he is SIGHT READING BACH!) 92. I am SO grateful for the names he calls me. Each one. Truly grateful. Including my name. Oh, when he says my name. Like last time we saw each other and at one point I was holding him so passionately and it came out of my mouth, “L. L. L.” And out of his, “C. C. C.” Oh. It just naturally occurred, but it was like something from a movie. So wonderful. For years, I didn’t hear my name. And now I do. From my love’s mouth. 93. And when he calls me, “My Love.” Oh my God, I melt. It comes right into the inside of me. 94. And sometimes at night he says before hanging up, oh my God I love this SO, “Loveyougoodnight.” 95. And “Darling.” 96. And “Dear.” 97. And “My Dear.” 98. And “Sweetheart.” Oh, THAT he says it. But also the WAY he says Sweetheart. Like two purposely selected words – Pronounced - And meant. 99. And when he writes, sometimes he addresses me as, “The Lovely Lady from the North.” 100. Or “The Sexy Lady.” And so on. 101. And he has sent me 3 cards! One right after we met. The sexy museum card. 102. And one for my b’day. 103. And the one where he literally wrote, “You make the flowers in my heart bloom.” 104. That he took a pic of us kissing yesterday. And he’ll send it to me via email. 105. And it’s a THRILL to me that when he gets invited someplace at this point, even for overnight, he says, “Can C come?” SO nice! 106. And that he said *he felt * my orgasm this morning. And he has said things like that before too. 107. I think that he does not feel it is a burden to give glorious oral sex. *I * feel like I take so long and he must hate it. But he is very clear that that’s not so. Wow. If that can possibly be true, that is a major gratitude! 108. The funny moment when we were leaving the museum yesterday, and he said, “Look! Dinosaurs!” And there were dinosaurs - large outdoor sculptures - on the grounds. And we had driven right by them and not even noticed them. That was funny. Especially since he probably has about 50 or more dinosaurs in his house! 109. That we saw that Shostakovich reference about that one painting at the museum. That was fun! 110. That he is financially self-sufficient. 111. And that I am too. 112. These Sunday mornings together. I love these Sunday mornings together. 113. The deep breath I just took. Especially after feeling I was almost about to have an asthma attack this morning! So grateful for that deep, clean, pure-feeling breath. Still having, too. 114. Okay. I cannot go without saying it. I never knew such kisses existed. On the site where we met, L. had written something about what a kiss “should be.” Varied etc. And, having never met him – this was my earliest intro – I liked the content of that part of the message, but to be honest, I didn’t so much like that he was telling “what a kiss should be.” Little did *I * know! This man knew of what he spoke! He was so right right right! I have never known anyone to kiss as my L. does. 115. He has beautiful lips. I love looking at them. In their various positions. I love kissing them. I love them on my breasts. I love being kissed by them. I love how they look when he talks. When he smiles. When he sleeps. . . . 116. That he doesn’t try to stop me from effusing. Phew.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. That L helped me so much yesterday with pushes and support about the mother stuff 2. And last week. 3. On more than one occasion. 4. That I fought all those fears 5. And won. 6. And did every single thing, though each so scary to me, that I needed to do for my mother 7. She fucked up and changed it all and I was (am?) furious. But – I did it all. And stayed calm when she later fucked it all up. 8. That I did step outside my comfort zone. 9. That every time I step outside of my comfort zone, my comfort zone expands. 10. That J is helping me understand the bills 11. That we had that little talk the other night. 12. After 3 long weeks (!), I will get to see L. today after work! Yay! 13. That my OA sponsor is so supportive 14. That I WILL call him today 15. That I DID do my laundry last night. No matter how tired and stressed I was! 16. That I did get the garbage out today 17. That I an get a day from work when I really NEED it 18. That I am breathing on my own. I remember when breath was hard 19. That I have plenty of food 20. And water for drinking 21. And bathing 22. And showering 23. And washing clothes 24. And washing dishes 25. And swimming in the salt water 26. And the fresh water 27. And pools 28. That yesterday’s weather was so lovely 29. And today’s seems so far to be too 30. That I am DOING these gratitudes today 31. That my computer came back on yesterday morning after going out the other night 32. That is ti Friday 33. That we have the staff thingy 34. That L is coming 35. That he gives me orgasms 36. And has them with me too 37. I will get to kiss with him today. I can’t wait. 38. That I have this blog 39. That people look at it. I am not alone in cyberspace 40. That I have life 41. And now it is Saturday. I am So GRATEFUL. L slept here, and SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT 42. That means ALL 3 TIMES, he, who has insomnia at home, has slept through the night here. That brings me such pleasure. 43. I am grateful that I gave the students their party and presents. They worked on those behaviors all year. 44. And they were SO HAPPY AND GRATEFUL for the PRESENTS 45. And I am grateful that I get SO MUCH PLEASURE out of giving to them! 46. I am grateful that I decided to NOT re-approach the aide who it turns out really IS a saboteur. Because what would have been my reasons? And what good could have come out of it? 47. And – I am grateful that another real reason was that I am aware that I’m “above” her in the hierarchy at work. And as someone who writes her evaluation, I don’t need to make her feel uncomfortable. Nor to push my own…well, you know, I have the power in that situation. I don’t always act it, but I do. 48. I am grateful that right now, L. is in the l.r. listening to music and writing one of his reviews. And I am in the sunroom doing gratitudes. I love this. I think it is very important that we be able to each do our own thing while still together. 49. I am so grateful that I ran to him at the door yesterday when he got here, after three long weeks. 50. And that the very first thing, he literally “dropped” his bags down on the floor inside the door and kissed me. 51. And that although I feel I am in love with him. I am not saying that –that way – yet. Because for example, when M wanted to talk with me on the phone this morning, but VERY MUCH wanted NOT to interrupt my time with L, he suggested we have a 3-way conversation. And at the end of it, she went on and on to him –about me! And she was saying that she loves him and thinks we are a great couple together, and that as happy as she is for me to have him, and she knows he cares about me and is happy for that, that she knows he cannot possibly know how deep my goodness goes. And and and. And she said, really, it will take more time for you to realize what an absolute diamond you have. And he answered, “I am – beginning – to realize that.” I think he IS slow to sort of give in to loving sort of feelings. I think he is terrified of being tied down or something. Meanwhile, I have no designs on tying him down… 52. I am so grateful for the AMAZING “physical rapport” as he calls it, that we have together. 53. And particularly those kisses last night. Sweet, soft, slow, varied. Intense. With those most gorgeous lips. And that tongue. Oh his kisses transport me. 54. Sviridov. 55. That L has introduced me to the amazing works of this composer. Apparently there are few of the really great ones; he had peaks and these are from those peaks. 56. And that this top, well-known, top top top Russian composer, whose music L loved so much – corresponded with L! 57. L eventually wrote to Sviridov. And S wrote back. And L and S and so on. And after a time S even asked for L’s photo, so as to picture the person with whom he was corresponding so happily, from Russia to America! 58. And L still has those letters, of course. 59. And Sviridov sent him LPs as well! 60. And even scores! 61. And L brought some of the scores here last night. 62. And played from them on the piano for me! 63. And I looked at them… What a thrill it all was/is. 64. And Dutilleux. My first introduction, about a month ago, was – well the music was odd to me. But this piece which L is playing right now, is so beautiful! 65. I am so grateful for the amazing(!) massage L gave me this morning! It helped SO MUCH with my neck pain and symptoms. You see, since my injury and that horrible year of 1999, once in a while (3x a year?) I am in so much pain. In my neck. And down one or both arms. And my hands are swollen and very painful. I literally had to get up and out of bed before L this morning! But he gave me a massage that truly helped. 66. And – felt like heaven. 67. And I have decided, and told him, that I am going to take a class in giving massages! And I am going to know how. And I am going to give him some! (And then he also told me that he has done so). 68. I am so grateful that I am doing this now. And am about to meditate in here, by myself. He really doesn’t want to. And I do. And that’s fine. 69. I am so grateful for K, who is coming here a week from today, to give Reiki and one other thing to L (he will choose) 70. And that although it still needs work, I AM sitting in my sunroom. Right now. With a beautiful cool breeze blowing in through the trees through the windows and door to and across me. 71. And that a few things happened last night, which I was afraid I might forget but really wanted to list here in my gratitudes, and I HAVE forgotten the details, but they happened and did cause those feelings. 72. That my mother was not quite as, well, insane about the money stuff yesterday. Oy. 73. And that my sponsor told me after my very frustrating and disappointing (!!) day with her Friday! that: Yes, that is disappointing. And who told you a day has to go exactly the way you decide? 74. And he also said, So you need to control someone else’s decisions because you know best for them and it all has to be your way? This helped me too. 75. Today’s Voices of Recovery. Liking the results I get from discipline, but not the pain, discomfort, and patience it requires – I needed to hear that this very day, regarding meditation! 76. And the whole rest of that one too! 77. In the sunroom, doing my readings. And just heard L, from the l.r., say, “Mmmmm,” as he was finishing his plate. 78. What we are (in two different rooms) having for breakfast: red chard with garlic, oil, pine nuts and sea salt; kale with garlic, oil, pumpkin seeds and sea salt; and zucchini shredded like pasta with vegan pesto. I am very grateful for this breakfast! 79. That I did NOT overeat yesterday! 80. Woooow! Today’s The Language of Letting Go is enormously important – and wonderful – to me. 81. And now L is helping me to get to 100 today. He is sitting here now talking with this weird looking finger puppet ugly man thing. It is hysterical. 82. Having fun and laughter. 83. That the little puppet guy is kinda cute. 84. And has added yet more joy to our life. Yes – I KNOW how crazy this sounds. But we are having fun… 85. The birdsong outside our windows right now. 86. I am grateful that Thich Nhat Hahn taught me to meditate. 87. My fresh basil plant. 88. Vitamins 89. This wrought iron table 90. L’s feet 91. My dear L is so appreciating the food 92. And the healthy drink 93. And my homemade vegan pesto like delicious healthy thing 94. He even made toast and put it on there 95. And he so appreciates that I make him so at home here. 96. I am so so grateful that he is at home here 97. And that he is here 98. And that J called last night, to see how I am and how my mother is. I would like to be friends with him. I do not know if that if possible. But I would like it. I think. 99. I am so grateful for EJ 100. And for Birdie 101. And for JJ 102. And for you. I hope this helps anyone who reads it! Amen.

Feelings Work

I feel Happy Grateful Fulfilled Healthy Satisfied I think it is because: I am eating well. I am with L. I am becoming more appreciative of myself I am in touch with my spirituality. And because I am DETERMINED to HAVE and ENJOY this day. Also, yesterday when L was at the dr while I was at school, for some potentially scary stuff, I felt (and wrote): If L is healthy, no matter what else is going on - at school, even with my mother,... in life, I will be HAPPY TODAY! And he is, and I was, and I am! 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am smart 2. I work on being more and more pure. 3. I am pretty. And l. thinks i am pretty. 4. I am a vegan. This helps me to not be as much a part of hurting non-human animals. And human animals too, because it helps our earth. 5. I am able to walk well. For fun and for exercise!

Readings: The Language of Letting Go

Feeling Good Having boundaries doesn't complicate life; boundaries simplify life. -Beyond Codependency There is a positive aspect to boundary setting. We learn to listen to ourselves and identify what hurts us and what we don't like. But we also learn to identify what feels good. When we are willing to take some risks and begin actively doing so, we will enhance the quality of our life. What do we like? What feels good? What brings us pleasure? Whose company do we enjoy? What helps us to feel good in the morning? What's a real treat in our life? What are the small, daily activities that make us feel nurtured and cared for? What appeals to our emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical self? What actually feels good to US? We have deprived ourselves too long. There is no need to do that anymore, no need. If it feels good, and the consequences are self-loving and not self-defeating, do it! Today, I will do for myself those little things that make life more pleasurable. I will not deny myself healthy treats.

Readings: In This Moment

In This Moment, I receive my answer. I had a very serious decision to make regarding my future. In bed at 6 a.m., I prayed to the God of my understanding. "Please help me make the right decision. Show me a sign." Immediately, words and phrases began racing through my mind. The answer became very clear, very quickly. I knew from prior experiences to get out of bed, grab a pencil and paper, and write down my thoughts. I thanked God and looked at the clock. It was 6:16 - my birthdate. What a gift! Peace ofmind, clarity of thought, and knowing beyond a doubt that God is nearby.

Readings: Voices of Recovery

We will no longer simply do what we feel like doing or what we think we can get away with." OA 12 & 12 p. 24 This translates into one word for me: discipline, a word that my disease hates. I like the results I get from discipline, but I don't like the pain, discomfort, and patience it requires. That's where I must trust a power greater than myself. By trusting my Higher Power and desiring to do His will, I'll want to do the next right thing and even know what the next right thing is. I get the "wants" by going to OA meetings, praying, writing, following a food plan, and exercising. All these things are good for me, and I do them despite my disease screaming in rebellion. No longer can I just do the things I can get away with or that I want to do. I am working an honest program while I learn to live with integrity and hold my head high. Slowly my will is changing and aligning with my Higher Power's will, one day at a time. It works if we work it. Don't leave before the miracle happens - the miracle of recovery from compulsive overeating. It happens!

Readings. For Today

Without health and courage we cannot face the present or the germ of the future in the present, and we take refuge in evasion. Cyril Connolly Am I in the habit of saying, "I wish things were better," and putting off action to a day that never arrives? Things cannot get better without some actions on my part. I acknowledge the problem, ask myself what I can do about it and then proceed accordingly. If I've done all I can and am unable to go further, I turn the matter over to my Higher Power and relax. I need to be aware, however, that fear may be at the root of my inability to do something. DOING involves risk and change and a chance of failure. But it also presents a chance for growth, which in the long run may make failure more beneficial that success. For today: I do not need to fear failure. I need, rather, the peace of mind that comes with taking the action I have been putting off.

June 16

I am grateful! Working on grats now. Anyone here, Good Morning to You!

Today's 100 Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. I went grocery shopping yesterday 2. I bought fresh fruit 3. And fresh veggies 4. And juice 5. And organic peanut butter 6. Toilet tissue 7. White grape sparkling water 8. And more 9. Pushed cart around 10. Walked to car 11. Unloaded groceries 12. Drove home 13. Gave 5 dollars to county food bank 14. And for all these I am truly grateful. Because there are people right in this county who don’t have enough to eat. And here I am, thinking about how “it costs too much.” But able to do it, still. Very very fortunate. Very. 15. L. said, “Love you, bye,” before hanging up the day before yesterday. 16. And same day, told me he finally took a walk in his park (finally because has been sick), and missed me 17. And yesterday told me more, how missed me at park 18. And how misses me 19. Has been calling me many names that I love. Like Sweetheart 20. Darling 21. Dear 22. My Dear 23. And others 24. Even my name, which I didn’t hear much for so long! 25. Grateful for OA (Overeaters Anonymous), where I learned the prayers. 26. Reiki 27. K, who gives me Reiki, initiated me Level I and II, and is coming here next week! 28. That I am giving a double session to L! 29. That I can read 30. That I have a job 31. That I get a “new start” at my job each year 32. That I ate better this weekend. 33. That I am thinking of giving up the den, and making it more of an exercise room 34. That L is coming this weekend. It will be 3 weeks since we’ve seen each other! So long! But he will be here. 35. And he will have the den as his put-stuff-there and sort of dressing room, private space. 36. That I did what I did to make sure I had the house. Worked so hard, never gave up, paid every month on time… 37. That he is coming to my staff party! 38. That I go to the bathroom on my own. Don’t have troubles with bladder or intestines… 39. Breathe on my own 40. Can see! 41. It’s June. Very long year, but it is now June! 42. I HAVE been practicing piano. Good. 43. Today’s “The Language of Letting Go.” 44. My white perrenials are up! 45. And there are still some red roses hanging over them! 46. And I have lilacs 47. And rhododendron 48. And the people are keeping the place clean enough. 49. I have a car 50. And life 51. My hands. They type, do Reiki, ring the meditation bell, give affection, cook, play piano, so much. 52. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water. 53. I have never been in a war 54. Or a prison 55. Or a concentration camp 56. Or a gunfight 57. Or a hostage situation. I am so fortunate. And so grateful. 58. That I’ve sent L the dinosaur cartoons. Twice. 59. Whole grains 60. Peppers 61. Orange juice 62. Grapefruits 63. Bananas 64. Oranges 65. Pears 66. Apples 67. That M bought me that coffee 68. I am ABLE to exercise 69. I got up so early. And yet feel rested. 70. Talking to L every night just before falling asleep. 71. Have two bottles of inexpensive (!) but nice wine in the house 72. That I do not overdrink, or have a drinking problem. 73. Meteorologists 74. Dog trainers 75. Rainbows. And that I’ve seen some in real life 76. Friends 77. That my mother says every day now that she loves me SO MUCH. And appreciates me. 78. That I had the COMPASSION to do what I SHOULD yesterday, even though I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE IT! Thank God that I had the compassion! 79. Humor 80. Song 81. Singing 82. Composers 83. All the music to which L exposed me! 84. That I can have music in my house now. 85. Dreams 86. Oxygen 87. Tv 88. Walking. That I can walk! 89. Comfortable shoes 90. And pretty shoes too 91. My two skirts 92. And even my own dress 93. My lacy stockings. What luxury! 94. L’s response to my lacy stockings! 95. The arts 96. Fine arts 97. That I live near cultural center(s) 98. That I have been safe in my life so far. 99. My principal 100. Our superintendent of schools. 101. My health

Affirmations

God made me God loves me I love me I take care of myself I am losing weight I am healthy I am happy All is right in my world God made me God loves me I love me I take care of myself I am losing weight I am healthy I am happy All is right in my world God made me God loves me I love me I take care of myself I am losing weight I am healthy I am happy All is right in my world God made me God loves me I love me I take care of myself I am losing weight I am healthy I am happy All is right in my world God made me God loves me I love me I take care of myself I am losing weight I am healthy I am happy All is right in my world

Feelings Work

I feel rested nervous excited Rested - sleep, season Nervous - all that I have to do. Plus, something about things going well, house clean enough etc. Excited - house in better order. L. coming this coming weekend. What I will do differently: Not let the house fall behind even a little throughout stressful times. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am not lazy 2. I keep trying 3. I am nice 4. I am affectionate 5. I am kind

Readings

Today’s Readings For Today: The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. Anne Morrow Lindberg A young woman who had binged and vomited for thirteen years before finding OA considers herself well qualified to speak on people-pleasing. Here’s what she told her group: “I seemed to think I had to go through life with a smile pasted on my face. I was sweet and accommodating and polite. A good egg. Of course, none of it was sincere. How could it be when, inside, I was angry and resentful and afraid? My false front was so exhausting I had to make it up to myself somethow, and the one sure way to do that was to eat. “The same exhaustion overtakes me today whenever I try so hard to make a good impression that I am not being myself. But it’s all right to make mistakes. I am not perfect. I’m making progress and I’m very grateful for the chance to do it.” For today: doing or saying something I don’t mean costs me more in the long run than I’m willing to pay. I am as honest as I can be without either being rude or fawning over anyone. Voice of Recovery: I have to be careful about my attitude toward anger. For Today p. 90 Righteous anger is the hardest for me to release. I get such a good, self-affirming feeling from holding on to it. However, anger, like fear, takes up so many mental megabytes that there isn’t room for new information and new feelings, new insights and new paths to conversation with my Higher Power. If I allow my hard-drive (my heart) to fill to capacity with anger or fear, then there is no room for the positive, for what my Higher Power wants for me in life. When the anger or the fear is gone, what’s left? At one time I speculated that nothing would be left of me once I shouted or cried it all out and released it. Now I realize that what happened was a massive blackboard erasure with a whole new background – life – to fill as I want. In This Moment: In This Moment, I’m glad I’m in recovery. I’m looking at codependent behaviors (mine) and trying to change them one day at a time. I’m not ashamed to be codependent. Being in CoDA is helping me. I have the Twelve steps to guide me. I have found good friends in meetings and I’m learning how to have healthy relationships. I’m finding the courage to ask for what I need and to say, “no.” I take an active part in meeting my own needs, instead of being resentful when other don’t do it for me. Recovery work has changed my life for the better. The Language of Letting Go: Bring any Request to God Bring any request you have to God. No request is too large; none too small or insignificant. How often we limit God by not bringing to God everything we want and need. Do we need help getting our balance? Getting through the day? Do we need help in a particular relationship? With a particular character defect Attaining a character asset? Do we need help making progress on a particular task that is challenging us? Do we need help with a feeling Do we want to change a self-defeating belief that has been challenging us? Do we need information, an insight? Support? A friend? Is there something in God’s Universe that would really bring us joy? We can ask for it. We can ask God for whatever we want. Put the request in God’s hands, trusting it has been heard, then let it go. Leave the decision to God. Asking for what we want and need is taking care of ourselves. Trust that the Higher Power to whom we have turned over our life and will really does care about us and about what we want and need. Today, I will ask my Higher Power for what I want and need. I will not demand – I will ask. Then I will let go.

My Prayers Today

God, I offer myself to Thee. To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always. Amen. (3rd step prayer). Higher Power, As i understand You, I pray to keep my connection with You open and clear from the confusion of daily life. Through my prayers an meditation i ask especially for freeom from self-will, rationalization, and wishful thinking. I pray for the guidance of correct thought and positive action. your will Higher Power, not mine, be done. (11th step prayer). O Most beautiful flower of Mount Carmel, fruitful vine, splendor of Heaven, Blessed Mother of the Son of God, Immaculate Virgin, assist me in this my necessity. O Star of the Sea, help me and show me herein You are my Mother. O Holy Mary, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven and Earth, I humbly beseech you from the bottom of my heart to succor me in this necessity. there are none that can withstand your power. O show me herein You are my Mother. O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee. O show me herein You are my Mother. O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee. O show me herein You are my Mother. O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee. Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands. Please have M's separation agreement signed by next Friday, the 15th Please see that I am safe financially, from J, after all my hard work. Please help people be peaceful. Please keep me healthy. Please I ask for blessings on my relationship with L. Please may my mother have quality of life each day, and may the health system not get her money. Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands. Please have M's separation agreement signed by next Friday, the 15th Please see that I am safe financially, from J, after all my hard work. Please help people be peaceful. Please keep me healthy. Please I ask for blessings on my relationship with L. Please may my mother have quality of life each day, and may the health system not get her money. Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands. Please have Ms separation agreement signed by next Friday, the 15th Please see that I am safe financially, from J, after all my hard work. Please help people be peaceful. Please keep me healthy. Please I ask for blessings on my relationship with L. Please may my mother have quality of life each day, and may the health system not get her money. Amen

Affirmations

I am good enough. I am capable. I am alive I am healthy I am well I am happy I am lovable I love myself God loves me Others love me All is wonderful in my world and in the universe! All is wonderful in my world and in the universe! All is wonderful in my world and in the universe! All is wonderful in my world and in the universe! All is wonderful in my world and in the universe!

Feelings

I am scared about all I have to do today. Well scared is overstatement. Nervous. Will do. Then will feel better. I am HAPPY with L. I am fulfilled in so many ways! I am grateful! I am grateful for EJ!

Gratitudes

I am so grateful: 1. L is not as sick as he was 10 days ago. 2. Dinosaurs’ humor 3. I’m grateful for the wonderful Soviet music L shared with me last night! 4. And – that I’ll get to see him Friday! For the weekend! 5. And – we’ll do wonderful things together, as always! 6. His humor! 7. His sexuality! 8. His kisses – omg those kisses 9. His caresses 10. Those orgasms he gives me 11. I am beginning to learn him 12. L is grateful for his dinner last night 13. And his walk yesterday 14. And that both of them led to a nice long nap 15. Computers. For L musically. And for me gratitudinally 16. I’m grateful for that wonderful dish I made yesterday. Concocted, wrote down the ingredients and healthy and delicious 17. Finally! I had a better piano practice this morning. 18. That L filled his pool. It’s like summer is really coming/here. Yay! 19. That L. has so many friends. Including BW 20. And B P 21. And S 22. And J 23. And B 24. And J A 25. And B H 26. And J T 27. S H 28. And his cousins, including A 29. And R 30. And Fr 31. And Ap 32. And that so many people love him. 33. Including me. 34. My lawyer 35. And the good lawyer for my mother. 36. He says gratitudes that has such good friends who call and are concerned about him. 37. And that he’s been able to assemble his library – 38. Ex. 3 shelves full of books on Shostakovich 39. His music library in specific 40. And his music library the music itself also 41. P. S., his friend who provided him with so much of it 42. His neighbors 43. That he and I went to that George Crumb concert 44. That he has lent me two good books 45. Time. Oh, dear Lord, soon it will be summer, and I shall have more time! Some time! 46. Vegan cookbooks! 47. Dinosaur humor 48. That I sent some happy dinosaur thingies to L this morning. 49. And that he liked them. 50. My eyes – I mean shallowly, the look of them 51. My hair 52. That I am off today 53. And that Wednesday, I am in conference all day 54. That L’s neighbor J helps him with the pool and things around the house and pool. 55. And that he is able to pay him. 56. *I * am grateful that L. has so many books. A real library of them. I mean, the house was not BUILT with a library-library – but he has one room off his master bedroom which we call the library and it is walls of shelves full 57. And his office. And his l.r. And his bedroom. All have shelves of books. And all WORTHWHILE books!!! 58. His education. 59. My education. 60. Laughter 61. Cartoons 62. L. says, “I am grateful for the Internet.” 63. I am grateful for L. 64. I am grateful that L’s body tells him when he is hungry. 65. Water. Access to plenty of fresh clean water. 66. I’m grateful that L just found that book for which he was looking. 67. And that he reviewed it for the Journal. 68. Papyrus cards 69. The *time * I spend selecting the one(s) to send to L. 70. That I will – will – get my mother’s stuff to her today that I promised I would get to her today. 71. Spirituality. MY spirituality. 72. Typing. Writing. Piano playing. Reiki. Comforting a child. And an adult. Lovemaking. Hugging. Caressing. Cooking. Cleaning. Laundry. Driving. All the things I do with my hands. So grateful for my hands. 73. Mrs. B, my main piano teacher for all those years. 74. And that I “took over” her studio, with her guidance, when she moved. 75. And Miss U, my first piano teacher. 76. And that despite all my problems – shyness, fear, lack of ability, not good enough at practicing, busyness, mother stuff, end of year work stuff, in course that whole week, . . . that I AM keeping my commitment to O, and playing in that recital. God help me, lol. 77. O 78. My friends, including dear M 79. And O 80. And St 81. And MA 82. And ML 83. My cousins 84. My French lessons 85. And my French teacher 86. Soviet music. And that L has shared some with me. 87. ***The romantic things he sometimes says to me. Oh. 88. And the romantic things he sometimes writes to me. Oh. 89. The 3 cards he has given/sent to me. Oh. 90. YouTube 91. Reba McIntire. I don’t love her songs! But I do love her voice! 92. People who take in foster children. 93. People who adopt children. 94. That my mother’s best friend, M’s brother, who with his wife *adopted FOUR children * , has recently taken in a FIFTH! Oh my goodness! 95. The Red Army chorus performances of Soviet era songs and that L has introduced me to them. 96. Our shares of music. 97. That he is not critical of my ignorance 98. That he shares SO MUCH music with me 99. The time we spent like 4 hours here caressing and listening! 100. That we BOTH play some piano. 101. That my mother is alive. 102. And is getting physical therapy/physical rehab 103. And is happy there!

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. I am so grateful that I am physically able. 2. I am physically able to breathe on my own. 3. And to see. 4. And to speak. I remember when I couldn’t. 5. And to hear. 6. And to walk. I remember when I couldn’t. 7. And to eliminate. 8. And to eat. 9. And to drink. 10. To swallow. 11. To shower standing up. I remember when I couldn’t. 12. To wash my own hair. I remember when I couldn’t. 13. To shave my own legs. I remember when I couldn’t. 14. To think fully. I remember when I couldn’t. 15. My heart is strong and beats well. 16. My liver functions perfectly. 17. My kidneys are perfect. 18. My blood is pure. 19. My skin is healthy. 20. My breasts are beautiful. 21. My feet are pretty. 22. My teeth are great. 23. My hands work amazingly. In typing, piano, everything. 24. I am not on dialysis. 25. I am not in a hospital. 26. I am not delirious. 27. I am not brain-damaged. 28. I am not in pain. I go through days and nights without pain! 29. I am so grateful that I am not alone. 30. I have myself. 31. And God 32. And Thich Nhat Hanh. 33. And Louis 34. And Meredith 35. And Mary Allen 36. And Mary Lee 37. Stephanie 38. Sarah 39. Oxana 40. Joan A. 41. Cousin Joanie 42. Cousin Kathy 43. Kathy 44. My mother 45. Martha 46. Kim 47. Kairava 48. Lionel 49. John in a friendly way 50. EJ 51. Birdie 52. JJ 53. All my blog followers 54. And everyone who reads my blog 55. And to some degree, Anne, Roberta, Sheila, Sharon, Jackie, Marianne, Lindsey, Jennifer, even Dassi when my mother is ill 56. I am grateful that Maria is my principal 57. And that I can work with others 58. I am grateful grateful grateful for the amazing sex Louis gives me. And I so want to give it to him. This whole one is huge for me. 59. I am grateful grateful grateful for the romantic words he sometimes says to me. 60. I am so grateful for smart doctors 61. Who are also kind 62. Same for nurses 63. And that I got to leave last night. 64. That Meredith is such a good friend to me 65. And that I am to her. 66. Same with Mary Allen. 67. I am so grateful for all the music Louis shares with me. 68. And the discs he has made for me! 69. And that I do listen to them. 70. I am SO grateful for my French lessons! 71. And that I am doing my homework. I love that language. 72. I am so grateful for piano. 73. And the things I learn from Oxana. 74. And for every time I practice. 75. And every time I practice well. 76. And for the phrase, “Viewed form the moon.” 77. And, “10 years from now, will this matter?” 78. I am grateful for life. 79. I am grateful that although there are no guarantees, I probably have more of it. 80. And for every present I’ve ever received. 81. The flowers and flowering plants from Louis 82. The wine we share together 83. The concert he took me too that wonderful night 84. The play he took me too 85. I am grateful for every time a man made me feel cherished. 86. And for not overtaking medicine, but having it when I need it. 87. I am so grateful that Louis will be seeing a doctor on June 15. 88. And that as HARD AS IT WAS, I did the things I had to do regarding my mother, Thursday night and yesterday. 89. I just saw what EJ wrote. My gosh I am so grateful to that woman! 90. I am so grateful to see other countries in my stats! 91. Grateful today to see US 92. Russia 93. Brazil 94. Nigeria 95. Ukraine 96. Venezuela 97. Canada 98. UK 99. Saudi Arabia 100. United Arab Emirates 101. Grateful that I just prayed for each of the people from each of those countries, who have stopped by here.

Affirmations

I am good enough. I am worthy of not being taken advantage of. I am worthy of being cherished. I am cherishable. I am cherished. I am good enough. I am worthy of not being taken advantage of. I am worthy of being cherished. I am cherishable. I am cherished. I am good enough. I am worthy of not being taken advantage of. I am worthy of being cherished. I am cherishable. I am cherished. I am good enough. I am worthy of not being taken advantage of. I am worthy of being cherished. I am cherishable. I am cherished. I am good enough. I am worthy of not being taken advantage of, I am worthy of being cherished. I am cherishable. I am cherished.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. That I managed to do what I had to do for my mother last night 2. That I did come home and sleep 3. That the nurse said to 4. And the doctor said to 5. That j said maybe if I weren’t there every second, like all the other times, she would think more about getting some help 6. That L. told me of the help that’s available, the one I didn’t know about 7. That apparently I’m ready to bump up to yet the next step in taking care of myself 8. That I had nice talk with S last night 9. And I have a good new ebook 10. Readings like for Today 11. And Voices of Recovery 12. And In This Moment 13. And The Language of Letting Go 14. Talking to M. right now on the phone. So grateful for that. 15. 3 more weeks of school. Phew. Finally. 16. Summer IS coming. 17. God 18. Lunches. Every day of my life that I want it, I have lunch. 19. All the fun-for-the-kids help that M gives me 20. And that she’s giving me access to her files this summer! Oh my gosh, what a gift! 21. Phones 22. J’s support last night. 23. M’s support last night. 24. L’s too late but nice when he got it support last night. 25. That I didn’t sleep at the hospital, for once. 26. And that I expect I AM going in to work today. 27. L. just emailed me. 28. I might not see L. this weekend. And although I WANT to, I think this is better for our relationship. I am TOO accessible. 29. That I can cook 30. And I have a stove 31. With burners and an oven. 32. And a microwave 33. And a fridge 34. That I have a whole grain English muffin 35. And it is in the toaster oven right now. 36. That I even HAVE a toaster oven. 37. That I am a self-supporting adult 38. And sat here like such, last night, enjoying a little glass of wine. 39. That I’m finally- FINALLY – starting to feel even MORE like a functioning adult, 40. a professional, 41. an example to those younger. 42. Rather than tap-dancing, “Am I good enough now? Am I good enough now?” 43. That I THINK I am brave enough to go into this weekend alone. 44. Some time to do what need for mother. 45. And to FINALLY put MYSELF FIRST. 46. Clean up 47. Practice piano 48. Do some French 49. Read some 50. Cook some 51. Walk some 52. Be okay 53. ANOTHER part of me says, see L from about 3 Sat through 12 Sun, with S and J for dinner Sat also. BUT – M says no. Let him miss you for a weekend. 54. Tv this morning. 55. Sitcoms 56. News magazine type morning shows. 57. I am grateful for the grace I have now, to say before meals. And this is it, pretty much: This food is a gift of the earth. And the sky, raindrops, cloud, sunshine, breeze. May I eat it in gratitude for those it took to get it to me, especially the farmers. May I eat it in moderation, to reverse the process of global warming. May I eat it in joy. May I see the cloud in my food. 58. That I said it with/in front of L. a couple of times 59. And last weekend in the restaurant with L and S and J 60. And they responded so well. 61. And J said, “That is a grace I could SAY.” 62. And that it does help me. 63. That I am finding myself a little bit. 64. And that although I haven’t lost a pound in 2 months, I haven’t gained. 65. And I think I’m ready to lose again. 66. Realistically. 67. The piano lessons I had as a child 68. How I loved Miss Unger 69. And how Mrs. Burgess became a force in my lfe 70. Exercise. 71. Every bit I’ve ever done 72. and do. 73. Being out of coffee this morning made me feel bad. But I have a store RIGHT AT MY CORNER! 74. And that I went to it 75. And got coffee 76. And for tomorrow too 77. And I had blueberry coffee today. Amazing. 78. And that it was so beautiful out. 79. And helped my mood a little too 80. And reinvigorated me to get outside 81. And especially maybe in the morning 82. Bloomberg’s new idea that restaurants have to put 32 ounce drinks in two glasses. I think that’s terrific! 83. That I am fighting my obesity. 84. That the kids like their lunches 85. That M is having such a great time with her girls 86. That I gave her the money gift to use at Hershey Park 87. That people are working against childhood obesity. 88. Moderation. The concept of moderation. 89. That I have a bit more of it in some ways than I used to. 90. Matt Lauer on the Today Show. I like him on that show. 91. I have THREE calligraphies by Thich Nhat Hahn! 92. And – that money went to the orphans! 93. Books 94. Videos 95. DVDs 96. CDs 97. Exercise DVD’s 98. Exercise bands 99. Picture frames 100. Love.Wherever I have love in my life.

Feelings Work

I feel: Scared about L. Of all things! While my MOTHER is in the hospital! Scared about whatever will be going on with her, how she feels, AND, I say with shame, what I might have to do for her. Grateful for L in my life BUT - needing to back up a little, as I think he has, and is taking me for granted. I don't want to play games. But I think I have been TOO effusive. And made him think I am not as much of a prize as I used to believe I was and he did too. Then again, he's come to care so much for me while I HAVE been effusive. Glad I paid the 15 dollars for that ebook which might help me. Grateful for that phone psychiatrist's advice. Open to the day. CONFUSED! FIVE GOOD THINGS ABOUT ME: 1. I am honest 2. I am trustworthy 3. I am interesting 4. I am emotionally available 5. I am self-honest --

Readings

For Today: It is easier to confess a defect than to claim a quality. Max Beerbohm Ask me to name one outstanding quality about myself, and I will hem and haw, knowing deep down that my best self-appraisal is unreliable. It seems safer to be derogatory than complimentary, to criticize rather than praise. Perhaps it is habit that leads me in that direction. Often i am not conscious of my reproachful thoughts until they are clearly on the surface. Then i turn them over to my Higher Power, ask to have them removed so I may be free to live fully, without either arrogance or false modesty. For today: For an honest, balanced view of myself, I take a few moments in which I free my mind of everything except God's love for me. Voices of Recovery Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." Step Six I recognize many of my character defects when I react strongly to seeing them displayed by other people. When I notice character defects in others and realize that i still practice them myself, even though i don't want to, I know I need God's embrace. For me, the first stage of Step Six is to accept that I have weaknesses and to know that God embraces me nonetheless. In This Moment In This Moment, my life is manageable. When I'm in the past, it's depression. When I'm in the future, it's anxiety. When I'm in the moment, it's MANAGEABLE! The Language of Letting Go: Directness We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them. Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they're feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise. Directness saves time and energy. it removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships. It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one. Today, I will own my power to be direct. I do not have to be passive, nor do i need to be aggressive. i will become comfortable with my own truth, so those around me can become comfortable with me. ==