I am great!
I am kind!
I am smart!
I am compassionate!
I am loved!
I am lovable!
I am lovable!
I am lovable!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
CoDA
I feel:
Sad.
Alone.
Very very regretful.
Also useful and busy.
But - afraid.
I can't even figure out why, except for the J. stuff. And life kind of really settling in this way.
I don't know what to do differently right now except:
not do e-mails before spiritual work, as I run out of time for really intensive spiritual work
Uh oh
5 good things about me
I am nice to the children
I am always improving
I am starting to accept myself
I can still laugh and enjoy
I have some hope
Sad.
Alone.
Very very regretful.
Also useful and busy.
But - afraid.
I can't even figure out why, except for the J. stuff. And life kind of really settling in this way.
I don't know what to do differently right now except:
not do e-mails before spiritual work, as I run out of time for really intensive spiritual work
Uh oh
5 good things about me
I am nice to the children
I am always improving
I am starting to accept myself
I can still laugh and enjoy
I have some hope
Readings
Yesterday's For Today:
"The best part of our lives we pass in counting on what what is to come." William Hazlitt
"What a waste...
...In OA, I am in today - now, this minute - which is the only reality.
...
For today: In OA, I am regaining the capacity for simple enjoyment I once had: to explore, to accept, to trust and delight in present-moment pleasures as a child does."
Today's For Today:
"to say yes, you have to sweat and roll up your sleeves and plunge both hands into life up to the elbows. It is easy to say no, even if saying no meanas death." Jean Anouilh
Ouch. Wow.
"It takes no effort, no risk, no investment of myself to stand back and not participate. There is no chance of being disappointed. Oh yes, I can look on, criticize a little, give advice. not today! Today I choose to shout YES to life, to take whatever comes my way - indeed, to go out of my way. By forgetting myself, I can feel and not be afraid, experience and not regret, make decisions and not worry. I throw old cautions to the wind - some may even call me foolhardy - but I know I am not alone; I have a Higher Power to keep me balanced.
For today: I put aside old habits of negativity so I can experience a new closeness to others, to the present, to myself. I exchange my 'Yes, but' for 'Why not?'"
"The best part of our lives we pass in counting on what what is to come." William Hazlitt
"What a waste...
...In OA, I am in today - now, this minute - which is the only reality.
...
For today: In OA, I am regaining the capacity for simple enjoyment I once had: to explore, to accept, to trust and delight in present-moment pleasures as a child does."
Today's For Today:
"to say yes, you have to sweat and roll up your sleeves and plunge both hands into life up to the elbows. It is easy to say no, even if saying no meanas death." Jean Anouilh
Ouch. Wow.
"It takes no effort, no risk, no investment of myself to stand back and not participate. There is no chance of being disappointed. Oh yes, I can look on, criticize a little, give advice. not today! Today I choose to shout YES to life, to take whatever comes my way - indeed, to go out of my way. By forgetting myself, I can feel and not be afraid, experience and not regret, make decisions and not worry. I throw old cautions to the wind - some may even call me foolhardy - but I know I am not alone; I have a Higher Power to keep me balanced.
For today: I put aside old habits of negativity so I can experience a new closeness to others, to the present, to myself. I exchange my 'Yes, but' for 'Why not?'"
Grats
I am grateful:
1. That I thanked God for me waking up today.
2. That I do not feel like I did Fri and Sat! Emotionally especially
3. That I was able to work yesterday
4. And am today also.
5. That just from these online innocent flirtations, I’m learning things about myself.
6. That nothing is all THAT important.
7. The book title that goes one further and says, “Don’t sweat the small stuff. And remember, it’s all small stuff.”
8. Gave kids great day yesterday.
9. Gave M great offers and she feels comforted by them.
10. That J called about my mother wanting to sign out AMA (against medical advice) which would mean no at-home services. He had calmed her down a lot.
11. Then manager called me and I asked him right away to put us on speaker because she was sitting there and I didn’t want her to think we were talking “about” her. I think that was smart.
12. That I listened while he re-explained the situation.
13. And that I said FIRST (and she could hear): “Mr. ___, my mother speaks for herself. Everything I say is only MY OPINION. It does not mean my mother agrees with it. You understand.” And he said yes. And I heard her say yes too.
14. And then RIGHT AWAY I said, “Mommy, the most important thing you know is that it is your right to leave at any time. I am only giving you my feelings. But YOU get all the decisions. You believe me, right?”
15. And she said yes. That’s important. She doesn’t trust my sister (and she’s smart not to – she loves her, she just doesn’t trust her).
16. And she said, “I’m willing to lose the other help. I want to go home.” And I said, “And you can. Can I just talk it through a little with you first?”
17. And she – said yes. Phew.
18. 15 minutes of talking later, only trying to convince her to CONSIDER staying the two extra days, she said, “I will stay until Thursday.”
19. I am so proud of her!
20. And so grateful for the time J put in
21. And so proud of myself for finishing the job.
22. And relieved. Phew.
23. And I had a French lesson.
24. I literally look forward to this all week. Something to look forward to is important to me right now.
25. And it was great. I learned cool things.
26. And my pronunciation is quite good. I am told by a number of sources: )
27. And I’m smiling right now!
28. My legs
29. Ability to exercise. It’s amazing how sometimes I’ve wanted so much NOT to do something (work – exercise - …) until I couldn’t. Then I realized how important it is and how much I DO want to!
30. That my system seems to be getting back to normal.
31. And I’ll see my MD today.
32. I *will * get my health in order!
33. That I am *doing * this work. I really don’t feel like. But I *know * I need the cumulative benefits!
34. Plus it’s a good way to spend the time anyway.
35. Played Mozart for kiddies in two classes yesterday. That was nice.
36. And they loved it.
37. That I can communicate.
38. That I have now read two French picture books.
39. God
40. Buddha
41. Thich Nhat Hahn
42. My online spiritual community
43. That I feel hungry. That’s good.
44. And that I’m waiting to finish some of this before eating. That’s a good practice too.
45. The compassion from P yesterday.
46. That at least one of the presents for M or her girls should come today
47. That I sent her a helpful e-mail today
48. That I just thanked P
49. My cell phone. Really
50. That – through NO doing of my own, J found out I’m going to doctor – and was concerned for me.
51. That I just took a deep breath. I love every deep breath.]
52. Doing pattern-mania today. It will be good for left and right brain, and the kids will enjoy it too!
53. It’s also good for cooperative connections
54. And – I made it up : )
55. And shared it with M
56. Talk with MA yesterday
57. Friends. Oh, thank God for friends
58. And hope. I don’t so much feel “hope” right now, but I’m thankful when I do feel it.
59. And for what I do feel now which is less about the future than hope, but getting through the moment and able to.
60. Compassion yesterday when told 3 more people. Well some, anyway.
61. Will see dr. tomorrow
62. And take mother home Thurs.
63. Back to the moment: I am grateful that I will probably get to do the breathing game with the kids today. And maybe for two weeks straight – we’ll “talk about it.”
64. That my new behavior plan worked better yesterday.
65. And should today as well.
66. That I have more than enough to do during time when they’re not in the room.
67. Copier machines
68. Printers
69. Aides
70. KH. She left yesterday, and I loved the time she got to be with us
71. Amazing fairy-tale-rap session yesterday
72. Great plans for them for today
73. Not great at – but good enough at online research
74. The concept of “good enough”
75. MA’s example
76. Aunt J doing better
77. Stones
78. Rivers
79. Oceans and how many times I’ve been to
80. My eyesight
81. My hearing
82. My ability to type
83. My feet
84. The daily readings
85. Laughter
86. Smiles
87. That I wrote a good report after all. Phew.
88. That so much of the crap I’ve worried about was nonsense
89. The people I get to work with
90. When I used to say to J, “I can’t believe I get to work with this quality of teachers.” And he would reply, “You’re ONE of them.”
91. Rings
92. Earrings
93. Bracelets
94. Necklaces
95. Ankle bracelet I used to wear and felt good about
96. That I do not wear fur
97. Or silk
98. Or wool
99. Or pearls
100. Or leather
1. That I thanked God for me waking up today.
2. That I do not feel like I did Fri and Sat! Emotionally especially
3. That I was able to work yesterday
4. And am today also.
5. That just from these online innocent flirtations, I’m learning things about myself.
6. That nothing is all THAT important.
7. The book title that goes one further and says, “Don’t sweat the small stuff. And remember, it’s all small stuff.”
8. Gave kids great day yesterday.
9. Gave M great offers and she feels comforted by them.
10. That J called about my mother wanting to sign out AMA (against medical advice) which would mean no at-home services. He had calmed her down a lot.
11. Then manager called me and I asked him right away to put us on speaker because she was sitting there and I didn’t want her to think we were talking “about” her. I think that was smart.
12. That I listened while he re-explained the situation.
13. And that I said FIRST (and she could hear): “Mr. ___, my mother speaks for herself. Everything I say is only MY OPINION. It does not mean my mother agrees with it. You understand.” And he said yes. And I heard her say yes too.
14. And then RIGHT AWAY I said, “Mommy, the most important thing you know is that it is your right to leave at any time. I am only giving you my feelings. But YOU get all the decisions. You believe me, right?”
15. And she said yes. That’s important. She doesn’t trust my sister (and she’s smart not to – she loves her, she just doesn’t trust her).
16. And she said, “I’m willing to lose the other help. I want to go home.” And I said, “And you can. Can I just talk it through a little with you first?”
17. And she – said yes. Phew.
18. 15 minutes of talking later, only trying to convince her to CONSIDER staying the two extra days, she said, “I will stay until Thursday.”
19. I am so proud of her!
20. And so grateful for the time J put in
21. And so proud of myself for finishing the job.
22. And relieved. Phew.
23. And I had a French lesson.
24. I literally look forward to this all week. Something to look forward to is important to me right now.
25. And it was great. I learned cool things.
26. And my pronunciation is quite good. I am told by a number of sources: )
27. And I’m smiling right now!
28. My legs
29. Ability to exercise. It’s amazing how sometimes I’ve wanted so much NOT to do something (work – exercise - …) until I couldn’t. Then I realized how important it is and how much I DO want to!
30. That my system seems to be getting back to normal.
31. And I’ll see my MD today.
32. I *will * get my health in order!
33. That I am *doing * this work. I really don’t feel like. But I *know * I need the cumulative benefits!
34. Plus it’s a good way to spend the time anyway.
35. Played Mozart for kiddies in two classes yesterday. That was nice.
36. And they loved it.
37. That I can communicate.
38. That I have now read two French picture books.
39. God
40. Buddha
41. Thich Nhat Hahn
42. My online spiritual community
43. That I feel hungry. That’s good.
44. And that I’m waiting to finish some of this before eating. That’s a good practice too.
45. The compassion from P yesterday.
46. That at least one of the presents for M or her girls should come today
47. That I sent her a helpful e-mail today
48. That I just thanked P
49. My cell phone. Really
50. That – through NO doing of my own, J found out I’m going to doctor – and was concerned for me.
51. That I just took a deep breath. I love every deep breath.]
52. Doing pattern-mania today. It will be good for left and right brain, and the kids will enjoy it too!
53. It’s also good for cooperative connections
54. And – I made it up : )
55. And shared it with M
56. Talk with MA yesterday
57. Friends. Oh, thank God for friends
58. And hope. I don’t so much feel “hope” right now, but I’m thankful when I do feel it.
59. And for what I do feel now which is less about the future than hope, but getting through the moment and able to.
60. Compassion yesterday when told 3 more people. Well some, anyway.
61. Will see dr. tomorrow
62. And take mother home Thurs.
63. Back to the moment: I am grateful that I will probably get to do the breathing game with the kids today. And maybe for two weeks straight – we’ll “talk about it.”
64. That my new behavior plan worked better yesterday.
65. And should today as well.
66. That I have more than enough to do during time when they’re not in the room.
67. Copier machines
68. Printers
69. Aides
70. KH. She left yesterday, and I loved the time she got to be with us
71. Amazing fairy-tale-rap session yesterday
72. Great plans for them for today
73. Not great at – but good enough at online research
74. The concept of “good enough”
75. MA’s example
76. Aunt J doing better
77. Stones
78. Rivers
79. Oceans and how many times I’ve been to
80. My eyesight
81. My hearing
82. My ability to type
83. My feet
84. The daily readings
85. Laughter
86. Smiles
87. That I wrote a good report after all. Phew.
88. That so much of the crap I’ve worried about was nonsense
89. The people I get to work with
90. When I used to say to J, “I can’t believe I get to work with this quality of teachers.” And he would reply, “You’re ONE of them.”
91. Rings
92. Earrings
93. Bracelets
94. Necklaces
95. Ankle bracelet I used to wear and felt good about
96. That I do not wear fur
97. Or silk
98. Or wool
99. Or pearls
100. Or leather
Monday, January 30, 2012
I Feel Better
and therefore no longer depressed.
Phew!
Three lessons from this:
1. When I'm physically sick, I could feel depressed. It's just temporary.
2. I have gotten through this, and can again.
3. Enjoy every day with health that have!:)
Thank you for being there.
P~~~h~~~~e~~~w!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phew!
Three lessons from this:
1. When I'm physically sick, I could feel depressed. It's just temporary.
2. I have gotten through this, and can again.
3. Enjoy every day with health that have!:)
Thank you for being there.
P~~~h~~~~e~~~w!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No more time except for affirmations - important
I am great!
I am healthy!
I am competent!
I am loved!
I am desirable!
I am lovable!
The universe is giving me everything!
I am healthy!
I am competent!
I am loved!
I am desirable!
I am lovable!
The universe is giving me everything!
Feels Hard to Do But Must Do Gratitudes - Know There Are Many
I am grateful:
1. I am getting physically better.
2. Even enjoyed a little bit of correspondence with L. again.
3. Still in love with J., but more accepting again. I think being sick just made everything worse.
4. MA came all the way here with groceries!
5. She couldn’t come in because too vulnerable to germs. But lugged them up the stairs and left at door.
6. And I left envelope with money for her.
7. And we did virtual hug through storm door.
8. She screwed up the coconut water – it only had calories and carbs and sugar. I’d wanted the other brand, with potassium and magnesium and calcium… but everything else was helpful.
9. This was a big deal for her to do as she is a “white toast and jello” person and coconut water and green tea with ginger and whole wheat pita etc. felt to her, she said, like she was shopping on a foreign planet. I appreciate this so much.
10. And J offered did I need anything.
11. And I was able to say no.
12. And now I really should be able to take doggie next weekend.
13. And – she should be groomed too.
14. I really miss her – actually dreampt about her last night – so am happy will see her.
15. It will be J’s birthday. I *think * I am not supposed to do anything about it. Don’t know what is right. But am glad he is alive. For his sake. After a couple of serious illnesses…
16. Should be able to work today.
17. Got lots of restorative sleep this weekend.
18. M. says she’s numb, but she got through yesterday.
19. I just wrote to my physical doctor. Must get this colon stuff that’s been going on for a while, examined. And some other stuff too. I took that step.
20. And I believe, knowing her, she will see me soon.
21. I cleaned up my desktop on the computer. It is neat now.
22. I just took one deep breath.
23. I’m not happy. But I’m not horribly depressed either. I’m almost regular. A little more nervous and sad than regular but just a little.
24. A drugstore that delivers.
25. I have what I need to eat very carefully today as regards the stomach/intestine issue.
26. People with class.
27. Classical music.
28. Museums.
29. Good improve
30. Frogs and toads
31. Support from the office at work
32. I read about 15 pages here yesterday. Really junky book. But maybe it’s my foray back into being able to read in the house.
33. I’m not as sick.
34. And not contagious, I’m sure, as fever gone and I can think and walk around again.
35. I sat and watched the SAG red carpet yesterday.
36. And I enjoyed it.
37. I’d rather be with J., but I enjoy that and he wasn’t really able to sit through that sort of thing anyway.
38. That I’m looking for the positives.
39. That I’ve inspired M again
40. And may be able to take her class a bit today.
41. That I will shop for MA when she needs me to.
42. That my aunt is doing better. We are all surprised about this. I wish her quality of life in the day. As I wish my mom. And all of us.
43. I helped my mom (on the phone) yesterday.
44. And J called last night
45. And agreed
46. As much as I adore the very sound of his beautiful voice, I am glad that I am able to feel: I wish he wouldn’t call at night. It interferes with my falling asleep. I wish he would call earlier. Now mind you – he is calling at like 7:45 – there’s nothing rude about that! But with my pill now, if I become too fully alert at 7:45, as I am when he calls, I have to start winding down again… Don’t know if I can say anything. But am glad I can at least feel it.
47. I feel – some – hope again today.
48. I intend to give the kids a great day, but take it easy on myself today too.
49. I just made a schedule for the day, and it is livable! Good for them first, of course – but livable for me too! Phew.
50. Something I’m really looking forward to today: my French lesson
51. Tomorrow I’ll help my mother get home from nursing home, God help her.
I must get in early, and it is getting late. This is literally all I have time for. But I know I am grateful for much more than this. I’ll try to be quick-worded and finish:
52. life
53. breath
54. water
55. food
56. getting better
57. voice
58. home
59. job
60. car
61. gas enough in car to get to work
62. computers for kids to make maps
63. pigs. I love sweet, smart pigs. May people someday stop eating them
64. I have hair. (I have a friend with alopecia).
65. Okay – keep em short – windows
66. Oak tree
67. Piano
68. Legs feeling a good bit stronger again!
69. I will move about but also take it easy today
70. N.
71. M.
72. MA
73. ML
74. St
75. S
76. O
77. Ma
78. Jo
79. JA
80. L
81. Heat
82. Hot water
83. Cold water
84. Whole wheat pita
85. Not feeling at all like overeating
86. Medicines
87. Doctors
88. Laughter
89. Any time I can be at all lighthearted
90. About to take nice bath or shower
91. Clean clothes for today
92. Freedom
93. Citizenship
94. Trees. All trees
95. Flowers
96. Squirrels
97. Acorns. And their meanings.
98. Have 10 presents for M and her girls for the upcoming days when they’ll be needing support (didn’t spend a lot – most are like tokens and the expensive one, I had a gift certificate…)
99. Exercise again soon –
100. And that excited about that
1. I am getting physically better.
2. Even enjoyed a little bit of correspondence with L. again.
3. Still in love with J., but more accepting again. I think being sick just made everything worse.
4. MA came all the way here with groceries!
5. She couldn’t come in because too vulnerable to germs. But lugged them up the stairs and left at door.
6. And I left envelope with money for her.
7. And we did virtual hug through storm door.
8. She screwed up the coconut water – it only had calories and carbs and sugar. I’d wanted the other brand, with potassium and magnesium and calcium… but everything else was helpful.
9. This was a big deal for her to do as she is a “white toast and jello” person and coconut water and green tea with ginger and whole wheat pita etc. felt to her, she said, like she was shopping on a foreign planet. I appreciate this so much.
10. And J offered did I need anything.
11. And I was able to say no.
12. And now I really should be able to take doggie next weekend.
13. And – she should be groomed too.
14. I really miss her – actually dreampt about her last night – so am happy will see her.
15. It will be J’s birthday. I *think * I am not supposed to do anything about it. Don’t know what is right. But am glad he is alive. For his sake. After a couple of serious illnesses…
16. Should be able to work today.
17. Got lots of restorative sleep this weekend.
18. M. says she’s numb, but she got through yesterday.
19. I just wrote to my physical doctor. Must get this colon stuff that’s been going on for a while, examined. And some other stuff too. I took that step.
20. And I believe, knowing her, she will see me soon.
21. I cleaned up my desktop on the computer. It is neat now.
22. I just took one deep breath.
23. I’m not happy. But I’m not horribly depressed either. I’m almost regular. A little more nervous and sad than regular but just a little.
24. A drugstore that delivers.
25. I have what I need to eat very carefully today as regards the stomach/intestine issue.
26. People with class.
27. Classical music.
28. Museums.
29. Good improve
30. Frogs and toads
31. Support from the office at work
32. I read about 15 pages here yesterday. Really junky book. But maybe it’s my foray back into being able to read in the house.
33. I’m not as sick.
34. And not contagious, I’m sure, as fever gone and I can think and walk around again.
35. I sat and watched the SAG red carpet yesterday.
36. And I enjoyed it.
37. I’d rather be with J., but I enjoy that and he wasn’t really able to sit through that sort of thing anyway.
38. That I’m looking for the positives.
39. That I’ve inspired M again
40. And may be able to take her class a bit today.
41. That I will shop for MA when she needs me to.
42. That my aunt is doing better. We are all surprised about this. I wish her quality of life in the day. As I wish my mom. And all of us.
43. I helped my mom (on the phone) yesterday.
44. And J called last night
45. And agreed
46. As much as I adore the very sound of his beautiful voice, I am glad that I am able to feel: I wish he wouldn’t call at night. It interferes with my falling asleep. I wish he would call earlier. Now mind you – he is calling at like 7:45 – there’s nothing rude about that! But with my pill now, if I become too fully alert at 7:45, as I am when he calls, I have to start winding down again… Don’t know if I can say anything. But am glad I can at least feel it.
47. I feel – some – hope again today.
48. I intend to give the kids a great day, but take it easy on myself today too.
49. I just made a schedule for the day, and it is livable! Good for them first, of course – but livable for me too! Phew.
50. Something I’m really looking forward to today: my French lesson
51. Tomorrow I’ll help my mother get home from nursing home, God help her.
I must get in early, and it is getting late. This is literally all I have time for. But I know I am grateful for much more than this. I’ll try to be quick-worded and finish:
52. life
53. breath
54. water
55. food
56. getting better
57. voice
58. home
59. job
60. car
61. gas enough in car to get to work
62. computers for kids to make maps
63. pigs. I love sweet, smart pigs. May people someday stop eating them
64. I have hair. (I have a friend with alopecia).
65. Okay – keep em short – windows
66. Oak tree
67. Piano
68. Legs feeling a good bit stronger again!
69. I will move about but also take it easy today
70. N.
71. M.
72. MA
73. ML
74. St
75. S
76. O
77. Ma
78. Jo
79. JA
80. L
81. Heat
82. Hot water
83. Cold water
84. Whole wheat pita
85. Not feeling at all like overeating
86. Medicines
87. Doctors
88. Laughter
89. Any time I can be at all lighthearted
90. About to take nice bath or shower
91. Clean clothes for today
92. Freedom
93. Citizenship
94. Trees. All trees
95. Flowers
96. Squirrels
97. Acorns. And their meanings.
98. Have 10 presents for M and her girls for the upcoming days when they’ll be needing support (didn’t spend a lot – most are like tokens and the expensive one, I had a gift certificate…)
99. Exercise again soon –
100. And that excited about that
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Readings
Today's For Today:
"To be nobody but myself, in a world which is doing its best night and day to make me everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting." E.E. Cummings
"In OA I am getting to know myself. I no longer have to borrow from other people a way of thinking, looking or being. I am accepted for what I am, and in turn I can accept myself. I can be spontaneous. I can reach out and be close to others. Even when I am alone, if I am in touch with myself, I am not lonely.
To have the courage to be me, to accept myself without glossing over the truth: these are the goals toward which this program is directing me.
For today: In accepting myself as I am, I accept God's will for me today. Only through self-acceptance am I able to change.
Today's Voices of Recovery:
"We strive to: Stop kidding ourselves that a bite or two would make some bad situation better or easier to live with. By working the Twelve Steps, we develop a way of thinking and acting which enables us to live each day without eating compulsively, regardless of what may upset us or how hard the urge for a little taste may hit us." A commitment to Abstinence, p. 2
"Even after more than five years in this program, food thoughts still pop into my mind when I feel stressed, frustrated, or depressed. Although I would love to have complete freedom from such thoughts. I'm learning to accept that I have the mind of a compulsive overeater, a mind that automatically associates feelings of discomfort with the siren song of food. The quote above reminds me that no matter how strong my desire to eat may be, it's never the food that I really want: therefore, eating won't make me feel better. If I am upset and craving food, I really need to connect with my Higher Power, to spend some quiet time by myself, or to talk to a caring friend. Thus, recovery has taught me that even though I may think like a compulsive overeater. I don't have to act like one.
Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I'm pleased with my decision.
One way that my codependence manifests itself is by avoiding decisions. I worry and postpone, uncertain if I'm making the best possible choice - even though I know in my head there's no one perfect choice.
I've been thinking and worrying for the last two days, unable to decide how to handle a tricky family situation with my cousin. Not knowing what to do. I asked my Higher Power for help.
Just now, I made the decision, I picked up the phone, called her, and shared my concerns in a straightforward way. Everything turned out fine. I did the right thing.
Life is simple when I'm honest, open, and willing.
Today's The Language of Letting Go:
"Going to Meetings
I am still amazed, after years of recovering, at how easily I can begin to talk myself out of attending meetings. I am also still amazed at how good I feel when I go." - Anonymous
"We don't have to stay stuck in our misery and discomfort. An immediate option is available that will help us feel better: go to a meeting, a Twelve Step support group.
Why resist what can help us feel better? Why sit in our obsession or depression when attending a meeting - even if that means an extra meeting - would help us feel better?
Too busy?
There are 168 hours in each week. Taking 1 or 2 hours a week for a meeting can maximize the potential of the remaining 166 hours. If we get into our 'codependent stuff,' we can easily spend a majority of our waking hours obsessing, sitting and doing nothing, lying in bed and feeling depressed, or chasing after other people's needs. Not taking those 2 hours for a meeting can cause us to waste the remaining hours.
Too tired?
There is nothing as invigorating as getting back on track. Going to a meeting can accomplish that
Today, I will remember that going to meetings helps.
"To be nobody but myself, in a world which is doing its best night and day to make me everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting." E.E. Cummings
"In OA I am getting to know myself. I no longer have to borrow from other people a way of thinking, looking or being. I am accepted for what I am, and in turn I can accept myself. I can be spontaneous. I can reach out and be close to others. Even when I am alone, if I am in touch with myself, I am not lonely.
To have the courage to be me, to accept myself without glossing over the truth: these are the goals toward which this program is directing me.
For today: In accepting myself as I am, I accept God's will for me today. Only through self-acceptance am I able to change.
Today's Voices of Recovery:
"We strive to: Stop kidding ourselves that a bite or two would make some bad situation better or easier to live with. By working the Twelve Steps, we develop a way of thinking and acting which enables us to live each day without eating compulsively, regardless of what may upset us or how hard the urge for a little taste may hit us." A commitment to Abstinence, p. 2
"Even after more than five years in this program, food thoughts still pop into my mind when I feel stressed, frustrated, or depressed. Although I would love to have complete freedom from such thoughts. I'm learning to accept that I have the mind of a compulsive overeater, a mind that automatically associates feelings of discomfort with the siren song of food. The quote above reminds me that no matter how strong my desire to eat may be, it's never the food that I really want: therefore, eating won't make me feel better. If I am upset and craving food, I really need to connect with my Higher Power, to spend some quiet time by myself, or to talk to a caring friend. Thus, recovery has taught me that even though I may think like a compulsive overeater. I don't have to act like one.
Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I'm pleased with my decision.
One way that my codependence manifests itself is by avoiding decisions. I worry and postpone, uncertain if I'm making the best possible choice - even though I know in my head there's no one perfect choice.
I've been thinking and worrying for the last two days, unable to decide how to handle a tricky family situation with my cousin. Not knowing what to do. I asked my Higher Power for help.
Just now, I made the decision, I picked up the phone, called her, and shared my concerns in a straightforward way. Everything turned out fine. I did the right thing.
Life is simple when I'm honest, open, and willing.
Today's The Language of Letting Go:
"Going to Meetings
I am still amazed, after years of recovering, at how easily I can begin to talk myself out of attending meetings. I am also still amazed at how good I feel when I go." - Anonymous
"We don't have to stay stuck in our misery and discomfort. An immediate option is available that will help us feel better: go to a meeting, a Twelve Step support group.
Why resist what can help us feel better? Why sit in our obsession or depression when attending a meeting - even if that means an extra meeting - would help us feel better?
Too busy?
There are 168 hours in each week. Taking 1 or 2 hours a week for a meeting can maximize the potential of the remaining 166 hours. If we get into our 'codependent stuff,' we can easily spend a majority of our waking hours obsessing, sitting and doing nothing, lying in bed and feeling depressed, or chasing after other people's needs. Not taking those 2 hours for a meeting can cause us to waste the remaining hours.
Too tired?
There is nothing as invigorating as getting back on track. Going to a meeting can accomplish that
Today, I will remember that going to meetings helps.
Affirmations
God made me
God doesn't make junk.
I am not junk.
I am a miracle.
I am worthwhile.
My life is great.
I will go on to much much happiness. Right away. Starting right now.
God doesn't make junk.
I am not junk.
I am a miracle.
I am worthwhile.
My life is great.
I will go on to much much happiness. Right away. Starting right now.
CoDA
I feel:
mixed up
somewhat better somewhat sick, somewhat scared, somewhat hopeful, glad for the time to rest and relax today, hopeful that MA will bring the groceries, very glad that I did grats, not nearly as bad as the last two days, and very grateful for that, nervous about self and life, feel capable of enjoying some - lots of - things though, scared of old age and alone/lonliness, somewhat safe in spirituality, grateful for reiki
don't know what could be doing differently while sick
5 good things about me
~i'm vegan
~i'm sincere
~i'm honest (just not with mother about J, because will torture her - and not with bitch-sister about it because she'll let her know and cause all kinds of trouble - but i have spoken with therapists, buddhists, and priest about it and all agree with that one)
~every time of crisis so far, I HAVE made it out of it
~i have friends, here and in person
mixed up
somewhat better somewhat sick, somewhat scared, somewhat hopeful, glad for the time to rest and relax today, hopeful that MA will bring the groceries, very glad that I did grats, not nearly as bad as the last two days, and very grateful for that, nervous about self and life, feel capable of enjoying some - lots of - things though, scared of old age and alone/lonliness, somewhat safe in spirituality, grateful for reiki
don't know what could be doing differently while sick
5 good things about me
~i'm vegan
~i'm sincere
~i'm honest (just not with mother about J, because will torture her - and not with bitch-sister about it because she'll let her know and cause all kinds of trouble - but i have spoken with therapists, buddhists, and priest about it and all agree with that one)
~every time of crisis so far, I HAVE made it out of it
~i have friends, here and in person
all right let me just try gratitudes - really should do gratitudes
I am grateful:
1. All day today to rest
2. And probably get better still
3. Junky tv that I *can * stand
4. MA actually offered to bring me groceries. I may just take her up on that
5. That I don’t eat animals.
6. That some people have pot-bellied pigs and that helps others see how nice pigs are
7. That I had said could not watch Mau’s doggie while would be away this week. Didn’t know I’d be so sick, but it worked out so well that didn’t take.
8. That I wrote M a beautiful e-mail this morning
9. On this day, that could prove very difficult for her, she was so helped by it and said it was the most inspirational way to start her day. I’m so glad it helped some
10. At least I’m getting lots of sleep
11. That I’m not using that lamp that the halogen bulb was literally melting the plastic anymore!
12. Bright cheerful colors
13. And very calming colors like cream
14. That I was careful to not do the sugary stuff like vegan sherbet things, or the jittery stuff like white flour or soda or diet soda even though sick. Phew.
15. Hombre. Like my new toolbar happens to go from grey to lighter grey pale pink to brighter…and at very end, little bit bright grey
16. If I can work before doctor tomorrow, I’ll get to have my French lesson number 2!
17. I guess there still is a lot to be grateful for in my life.
18. MA was sure that bad feeling would pass.
19. J too, although I didn’t come NEAR to telling him HOW bad it was
20. And dr. too
21. And I’m coming to believe it will
22. Sponsor wouldn’t say it would, but said his did – the big one – long-term. That helped too.
23. I’ll look better next summer than last, anyway.
24. That I expect to be alive next summer
25. And that I want to. That’s my biggest gratitude.
26. Music
27. Dancing. I can’t wait to again.
28. And that there are other things I “can’t wait for” too!
29. Like more French
30. More piano
31. More reading
32. More walking outside!
33. More other exercise (indoor, daily)!
34. That I do love moving my body
35. Some travel
36. More swimming
37. All these little (or big) miracles of life, that I get to do
38. More communication with L - ?
39. And maybe another/others too - ?
40. More time with beloved doggie. I love to be with her
41. More hearing of the birds outside
42. More looking at the trees in leaf
43. More walking in woods
44. Maybe even with doggie off leash
45. And J (as friends), when it is best with doggie off leash
46. Maybe shutting up more.
47. 2 more talks with new temporary therapist
48. Maybe Russia next summer since only have to save enough for flight
49. Or if COULD save that much, maybe will just save that much!
50. Maybe my mother will isolate less and get out of the chair more when gets home from physical rehab at nursing home - ?
51. Laughter
52. God
53. Buddha
54. Thich Nhat Hahn
55. Robes
56. Bells
57. Very interesting dreams. Even the uncomfortable ones like last night and this morning. They’re so interesting.
58. Although I don’t understand it, that one where I have sort of a classroom and a fourth – the fourth separated by a partial wall, and is a great place for some kinds of learning. I love that one in all its forms.
59. And the absolutely unbelievable houses I’ve designed in my dreams. Oh my gosh. I have never seen anything like them even in a movie. They have some unbelievable elements – I haven’t even said them here. But they are magnificent. And I’m thrilled that my mind can be that creative.
60. People who write novels.
61. Stickers for the kids
62. That I’m still doing my thumb exercises
63. Specialty salads
64. Specialty pizzas J and I used to have made just for us.
65. Like that vegan one very thin, extra crisp, and with sauce, garlic, onions, and arugula.
66. All the great Friday nights we had with that and a movie, snuggled in.
67. When he loved me. I’m grateful for that.
68. When he thought I was so beautiful.
69. And smart.
70. And funny.
71. And how much he respected me.
72. And when he wrote, the day before my birthday, “This is the anniversary of the darkest day in history: the day before Lynn was born.”
73. And when he bought me the teeny little charm – gold with a tiny diamond in it. Because he said, “I tried and tried for such a long time to think of what represents Lynn. And then I realized: integrity. So what represents integrity? The earth’s best: diamond and gold.”
74. Where did that go? Okay. That’s not the point here. The point here is that I’m so grateful I had that kind of love.
75. He just wanted, near the end, for me to have interests of my own. And it turns out I do. I was just covering them under the cloud of my obsession and codependence on him. But the interests have at least come out.
76. Including this spirituality.
77. Juice.
78. Juice diluted with water.
79. Hats
80. My winter hat
81. The health I do have
82. That when I’m not so weak, my legs are strong
83. That I will get them even stronger
84. Things that are neat and in order, everywhere.
85. Including this desk here
86. And other people’s classrooms.
87. And sometimes mine.
88. And my house.
89. That J took care of everything when lice was going on around the school and nurse wasn’t sure if maybe I had
90. Every “pet” I ever had
91. Time
92. The gifts I went online and bought at ridiculous low prices (like 2 dollars etc.) for M’s girls, but that they will love
93. And for M (not as cheap) for her upcoming birthday.
94. And the 55 dollar necklace I got her too, which cost me 2 dollars and change. Because of gift certificate…
95. And I will give them as moving out of house.
96. That I’m all the way on 96 already. Really. Didn’t think could do today.
97. So glad started!
98. That my mother still sounded yesterday so much better (I wouldn’t go there even if I *could, * because would just expose all to these germs)
99. Beautiful rooms
100. Art
1. All day today to rest
2. And probably get better still
3. Junky tv that I *can * stand
4. MA actually offered to bring me groceries. I may just take her up on that
5. That I don’t eat animals.
6. That some people have pot-bellied pigs and that helps others see how nice pigs are
7. That I had said could not watch Mau’s doggie while would be away this week. Didn’t know I’d be so sick, but it worked out so well that didn’t take.
8. That I wrote M a beautiful e-mail this morning
9. On this day, that could prove very difficult for her, she was so helped by it and said it was the most inspirational way to start her day. I’m so glad it helped some
10. At least I’m getting lots of sleep
11. That I’m not using that lamp that the halogen bulb was literally melting the plastic anymore!
12. Bright cheerful colors
13. And very calming colors like cream
14. That I was careful to not do the sugary stuff like vegan sherbet things, or the jittery stuff like white flour or soda or diet soda even though sick. Phew.
15. Hombre. Like my new toolbar happens to go from grey to lighter grey pale pink to brighter…and at very end, little bit bright grey
16. If I can work before doctor tomorrow, I’ll get to have my French lesson number 2!
17. I guess there still is a lot to be grateful for in my life.
18. MA was sure that bad feeling would pass.
19. J too, although I didn’t come NEAR to telling him HOW bad it was
20. And dr. too
21. And I’m coming to believe it will
22. Sponsor wouldn’t say it would, but said his did – the big one – long-term. That helped too.
23. I’ll look better next summer than last, anyway.
24. That I expect to be alive next summer
25. And that I want to. That’s my biggest gratitude.
26. Music
27. Dancing. I can’t wait to again.
28. And that there are other things I “can’t wait for” too!
29. Like more French
30. More piano
31. More reading
32. More walking outside!
33. More other exercise (indoor, daily)!
34. That I do love moving my body
35. Some travel
36. More swimming
37. All these little (or big) miracles of life, that I get to do
38. More communication with L - ?
39. And maybe another/others too - ?
40. More time with beloved doggie. I love to be with her
41. More hearing of the birds outside
42. More looking at the trees in leaf
43. More walking in woods
44. Maybe even with doggie off leash
45. And J (as friends), when it is best with doggie off leash
46. Maybe shutting up more.
47. 2 more talks with new temporary therapist
48. Maybe Russia next summer since only have to save enough for flight
49. Or if COULD save that much, maybe will just save that much!
50. Maybe my mother will isolate less and get out of the chair more when gets home from physical rehab at nursing home - ?
51. Laughter
52. God
53. Buddha
54. Thich Nhat Hahn
55. Robes
56. Bells
57. Very interesting dreams. Even the uncomfortable ones like last night and this morning. They’re so interesting.
58. Although I don’t understand it, that one where I have sort of a classroom and a fourth – the fourth separated by a partial wall, and is a great place for some kinds of learning. I love that one in all its forms.
59. And the absolutely unbelievable houses I’ve designed in my dreams. Oh my gosh. I have never seen anything like them even in a movie. They have some unbelievable elements – I haven’t even said them here. But they are magnificent. And I’m thrilled that my mind can be that creative.
60. People who write novels.
61. Stickers for the kids
62. That I’m still doing my thumb exercises
63. Specialty salads
64. Specialty pizzas J and I used to have made just for us.
65. Like that vegan one very thin, extra crisp, and with sauce, garlic, onions, and arugula.
66. All the great Friday nights we had with that and a movie, snuggled in.
67. When he loved me. I’m grateful for that.
68. When he thought I was so beautiful.
69. And smart.
70. And funny.
71. And how much he respected me.
72. And when he wrote, the day before my birthday, “This is the anniversary of the darkest day in history: the day before Lynn was born.”
73. And when he bought me the teeny little charm – gold with a tiny diamond in it. Because he said, “I tried and tried for such a long time to think of what represents Lynn. And then I realized: integrity. So what represents integrity? The earth’s best: diamond and gold.”
74. Where did that go? Okay. That’s not the point here. The point here is that I’m so grateful I had that kind of love.
75. He just wanted, near the end, for me to have interests of my own. And it turns out I do. I was just covering them under the cloud of my obsession and codependence on him. But the interests have at least come out.
76. Including this spirituality.
77. Juice.
78. Juice diluted with water.
79. Hats
80. My winter hat
81. The health I do have
82. That when I’m not so weak, my legs are strong
83. That I will get them even stronger
84. Things that are neat and in order, everywhere.
85. Including this desk here
86. And other people’s classrooms.
87. And sometimes mine.
88. And my house.
89. That J took care of everything when lice was going on around the school and nurse wasn’t sure if maybe I had
90. Every “pet” I ever had
91. Time
92. The gifts I went online and bought at ridiculous low prices (like 2 dollars etc.) for M’s girls, but that they will love
93. And for M (not as cheap) for her upcoming birthday.
94. And the 55 dollar necklace I got her too, which cost me 2 dollars and change. Because of gift certificate…
95. And I will give them as moving out of house.
96. That I’m all the way on 96 already. Really. Didn’t think could do today.
97. So glad started!
98. That my mother still sounded yesterday so much better (I wouldn’t go there even if I *could, * because would just expose all to these germs)
99. Beautiful rooms
100. Art
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Affirmations
and may they work
in happy, lilting, positive voice!
I am living happily!
Today is wonderful!
My future will be set beautiful!
And will take care of itself!
I love myself!
Others love me!
God loves me!
I am terrific!
I am able to have a wonderful day today!!!!
in happy, lilting, positive voice!
I am living happily!
Today is wonderful!
My future will be set beautiful!
And will take care of itself!
I love myself!
Others love me!
God loves me!
I am terrific!
I am able to have a wonderful day today!!!!
CoDA
I feel:
Scared, vulnerable, alone, scared scared, lonely, to some extent hopeless.
and
Grateful for the readings today (and yesterday)
and somewhat hopeful
I'm all over the place.
I can't think of anything I should have done differently...
5 good things about me
i am open-minded
i understand self-help things i read
i try new things
i haven't given up yet
i am funny
Scared, vulnerable, alone, scared scared, lonely, to some extent hopeless.
and
Grateful for the readings today (and yesterday)
and somewhat hopeful
I'm all over the place.
I can't think of anything I should have done differently...
5 good things about me
i am open-minded
i understand self-help things i read
i try new things
i haven't given up yet
i am funny
Readings - Not Catching Up - Just Today's - That Should Be Fine - Well, We'll See
Okay. Yesterday's For Today:
"If we find nothing of interest where we are, we are likely to find little of lasting interest where we wish to go." Edwin Way Teale
"It is better over there - more action at that table, that group, that city, that country. Ah, if only I were there I'd feel better.
What an old idea! Where I live is inside; nothing on the outside changes that. yes, I can find a distraction, a place to escape. But it won't last. Time now to look within; take an inventory, make an amends, a twelfth-step call. Wherever I go, Tibet or Timbuktoo, Mt. Everest or the moon, I take myself with me.
Do I like the company?
For today: Through this program, I am regaining the zest and enthusiasm for life that is my birthright."
Today's For Today:
"The best part of our lives we pass in counting on what is to come." William Hazlitt.
Oh shit. And that is how I have ruined my life. And - that is exactly the response I'd written on the page in the book one whole year again today.
Anyway. Moving on.
"What a waste. A life of expecting and waiting. Ws the event ever as good as the anticipation? Seldom. Disappointment gave me climate to complain, reason to brook - and to seek relief in food.
In OA, I am in today - now, this minute - which is the only reality. Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is not here. I will appreciate this minutes for what it is. I will be conscious of a life outside myself so I can hear its sounds, feel its warmth and coolness, know another's presence. Fear disappears, control vanishes; I let go and let God direct my life."
Wow that it HUGE.
"For today: In OA, I am regaining the capacity for simple enjoyment I once had: to explore, to accept, to trust and delight in present-moment pleasures as a child does."
Today's Voices of Recovery:
"Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception." Lifeline Sampler, p. 3
"I became abstinent when working the Steps and using the tools. I found physical recovery and a life filled with emotion. During that time, OA members were debating whether abstinence or God was the most important thing in recovery.
I decided to accept the gift of abstinence and maintain it. If abstinence is a gift, then who is the giver? Obviously, it is my loving Higher power. If I refuse to do the footwork to accept and maintain the gift, then I negate the love my Higher Power has for me. In refusing the gift and denying the love, I cannot say that my relationship with my Higher power is the most important thing in my life. In fact, the opposite would be true.
I now have no problem believing that abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception. For me, it can work no other way because this belief expresses the physical and emotional foundation of OA, and it embodies the spiritual essence of it.
Today's Voice of Recovery:
"I keep an open mind to having an open mind; the possibilities are endless." For Today, p. 237
"When I came into these rooms, I was absolutely close-minded regarding religious matters. But I soon realized tow things: religious matters were not the same as a spiritual experience; and a spiritual experience was absolutely necessary if I were to survive this disease of compulsive overeating. Once I did the footwork and became willing to open myself to a spiritual experience, it happened, I didn't make it happen, but I did allow it to happen by setting up inviting conditions: quiet time for meditation, writing, and prayer.
Yesterdays' In This Moment:
"In This Moment I choose how to spend my time.
Although other people and situations may pressure me, ultimately I make the decision of how to spend my time. Not making a choice is a choice. How I spend my minutes, hours, and days determines how I live my life. Am I living the life I want to lead? Or am I living the way someone else thinks I should? Sometimes in order to say 'yes' to what I want, I have to say 'no' to something else. If I spend time figuring out what's really important to me, I can focus my energy on those areas. Knowing what's important to me helps me achieve my goal and enjoy life.
Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I live my own life."
Okay that shouldn't feel ow, scared, but it does...
Moving on:
"Lately, I'm not allowing myself to be pulled into other people's business. This is a good sign of my recovery! Meddling is a codependent trait that I am trying to change. People ask me to solve their problems. Although I'm tempted, I choose to say, 'No.' It's enabling if I rescue them. Either they find the courage to do it themselves or they suffer the consequences. I have my own life to live. It's better
for me to take care of my own business and better for others, too.
Yesterday's Language of Letting Go:
"Needing People
We can find the balance between needing people too much and not letting ourselves need anyone at all.
Many of us have unmet dependency needs lingering from the past. While we want others to fulfill our desire to be loved unconditionally, we may have chosen people who cannot, or will not, be there for us. Some of us are so needy from not being loved that we drive people away by needing them too much.
Some of us go to the other extreme. We may have become used to people not being there for us, so we push them away. We fight off our feelings of neediness by becoming overly independent, not allowing ourselves to need anyone. Some of us won't let people be there for us.
Either way, we are living out unfinished business. We deserve better. When we change, our circumstances will change.
If we are too needy we respond to that by accepting the needy part of us. We let ourselves heal from the pain of past needs going unmet. We stop telling ourselves we're unlovable because we haven't been loved the way we wanted and needed.
If we have shut off the part of us that needs people, we become willing to open up, be vulnerable, and let ourselves be loved. We let ourselves have needs.
We will get the love we need and desire when we begin to believe we're lovable, and when we allow that to happen.
Today, I will strive for the balance between being too needy and not allowing myself to need people. I will let myself receive the love that is there for me.
Today's Language of Letting Go:
"Staying in the Present Moment
Often, one of our biggest questions is 'What's going to happen' We may ask this about our relationships, our career, our recovery, our life. It is easy to tangle ourselves up in worrisome thoughts.
Worrying about what's going to happen blocks us from functioning effectively today. It keeps us from doing our best now. It blocks us from learning and mastering today's lessons. Staying in the now, doing our best, and participating fully today are all we need to do to assure ourselves that what's going to happen tomorrow will be for the best.
Worrying about what's going to happen in a negative contribution to our future. Living in the here and now is ultimately the best thing we can do, not only for today, but for tomorrow. It helps our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life.
Things will work out, if we let the. If we must focus on the future other than to plan, all we need to do is affirm that it will be good.
I pray for faith that my future will be good if I live today well, and in peace. I will remember that staying in the present is the best thing I can do for my future. I will focus on what's happening now instead of what's going to happen tomorrow.
"If we find nothing of interest where we are, we are likely to find little of lasting interest where we wish to go." Edwin Way Teale
"It is better over there - more action at that table, that group, that city, that country. Ah, if only I were there I'd feel better.
What an old idea! Where I live is inside; nothing on the outside changes that. yes, I can find a distraction, a place to escape. But it won't last. Time now to look within; take an inventory, make an amends, a twelfth-step call. Wherever I go, Tibet or Timbuktoo, Mt. Everest or the moon, I take myself with me.
Do I like the company?
For today: Through this program, I am regaining the zest and enthusiasm for life that is my birthright."
Today's For Today:
"The best part of our lives we pass in counting on what is to come." William Hazlitt.
Oh shit. And that is how I have ruined my life. And - that is exactly the response I'd written on the page in the book one whole year again today.
Anyway. Moving on.
"What a waste. A life of expecting and waiting. Ws the event ever as good as the anticipation? Seldom. Disappointment gave me climate to complain, reason to brook - and to seek relief in food.
In OA, I am in today - now, this minute - which is the only reality. Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is not here. I will appreciate this minutes for what it is. I will be conscious of a life outside myself so I can hear its sounds, feel its warmth and coolness, know another's presence. Fear disappears, control vanishes; I let go and let God direct my life."
Wow that it HUGE.
"For today: In OA, I am regaining the capacity for simple enjoyment I once had: to explore, to accept, to trust and delight in present-moment pleasures as a child does."
Today's Voices of Recovery:
"Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception." Lifeline Sampler, p. 3
"I became abstinent when working the Steps and using the tools. I found physical recovery and a life filled with emotion. During that time, OA members were debating whether abstinence or God was the most important thing in recovery.
I decided to accept the gift of abstinence and maintain it. If abstinence is a gift, then who is the giver? Obviously, it is my loving Higher power. If I refuse to do the footwork to accept and maintain the gift, then I negate the love my Higher Power has for me. In refusing the gift and denying the love, I cannot say that my relationship with my Higher power is the most important thing in my life. In fact, the opposite would be true.
I now have no problem believing that abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception. For me, it can work no other way because this belief expresses the physical and emotional foundation of OA, and it embodies the spiritual essence of it.
Today's Voice of Recovery:
"I keep an open mind to having an open mind; the possibilities are endless." For Today, p. 237
"When I came into these rooms, I was absolutely close-minded regarding religious matters. But I soon realized tow things: religious matters were not the same as a spiritual experience; and a spiritual experience was absolutely necessary if I were to survive this disease of compulsive overeating. Once I did the footwork and became willing to open myself to a spiritual experience, it happened, I didn't make it happen, but I did allow it to happen by setting up inviting conditions: quiet time for meditation, writing, and prayer.
Yesterdays' In This Moment:
"In This Moment I choose how to spend my time.
Although other people and situations may pressure me, ultimately I make the decision of how to spend my time. Not making a choice is a choice. How I spend my minutes, hours, and days determines how I live my life. Am I living the life I want to lead? Or am I living the way someone else thinks I should? Sometimes in order to say 'yes' to what I want, I have to say 'no' to something else. If I spend time figuring out what's really important to me, I can focus my energy on those areas. Knowing what's important to me helps me achieve my goal and enjoy life.
Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I live my own life."
Okay that shouldn't feel ow, scared, but it does...
Moving on:
"Lately, I'm not allowing myself to be pulled into other people's business. This is a good sign of my recovery! Meddling is a codependent trait that I am trying to change. People ask me to solve their problems. Although I'm tempted, I choose to say, 'No.' It's enabling if I rescue them. Either they find the courage to do it themselves or they suffer the consequences. I have my own life to live. It's better
for me to take care of my own business and better for others, too.
Yesterday's Language of Letting Go:
"Needing People
We can find the balance between needing people too much and not letting ourselves need anyone at all.
Many of us have unmet dependency needs lingering from the past. While we want others to fulfill our desire to be loved unconditionally, we may have chosen people who cannot, or will not, be there for us. Some of us are so needy from not being loved that we drive people away by needing them too much.
Some of us go to the other extreme. We may have become used to people not being there for us, so we push them away. We fight off our feelings of neediness by becoming overly independent, not allowing ourselves to need anyone. Some of us won't let people be there for us.
Either way, we are living out unfinished business. We deserve better. When we change, our circumstances will change.
If we are too needy we respond to that by accepting the needy part of us. We let ourselves heal from the pain of past needs going unmet. We stop telling ourselves we're unlovable because we haven't been loved the way we wanted and needed.
If we have shut off the part of us that needs people, we become willing to open up, be vulnerable, and let ourselves be loved. We let ourselves have needs.
We will get the love we need and desire when we begin to believe we're lovable, and when we allow that to happen.
Today, I will strive for the balance between being too needy and not allowing myself to need people. I will let myself receive the love that is there for me.
Today's Language of Letting Go:
"Staying in the Present Moment
Often, one of our biggest questions is 'What's going to happen' We may ask this about our relationships, our career, our recovery, our life. It is easy to tangle ourselves up in worrisome thoughts.
Worrying about what's going to happen blocks us from functioning effectively today. It keeps us from doing our best now. It blocks us from learning and mastering today's lessons. Staying in the now, doing our best, and participating fully today are all we need to do to assure ourselves that what's going to happen tomorrow will be for the best.
Worrying about what's going to happen in a negative contribution to our future. Living in the here and now is ultimately the best thing we can do, not only for today, but for tomorrow. It helps our relationships, our career, our recovery, and our life.
Things will work out, if we let the. If we must focus on the future other than to plan, all we need to do is affirm that it will be good.
I pray for faith that my future will be good if I live today well, and in peace. I will remember that staying in the present is the best thing I can do for my future. I will focus on what's happening now instead of what's going to happen tomorrow.
Gratitudes - because I'd better
I am grateful:
1. nice talk with sponsor yesterday afternoon. Helpful
2. that *can * talk
3. J did come and bring me stuff I needed
4. I did get a lot of sleep
5. What else am I grateful for – that I’m not in a prison camp
6. Or a concentration camp
7. Or a prison
8. That I’m not a slave
9. That my lungs work
10. That I have enough money to live on right now
11. That I have friends
12. People who comment here
13. Humor and laughter
14. That I have never had a stroke
15. That my brain works
16. That I have access to vegetables (not today when can’t do the fiber, but access)
17. All the times I so enjoyed embroidering those pillowcases for me and J, and for J
18. The scarf I knitted for him
19. The blanket I crocheted for him
20. Oh my God, I’m never gonna be able to deal with this. Um, that I have dealt for the last month or so until yesterday. Okay. That.
21. That I don’t have to go look at apartments with M tomorrow
22. That I will continue supporting her as she goes through this
23. That maybe I’ll continue getting support too
24. Maybe someday I’ll be hugged again
25. Oh God I’m so sad. Um. Um. That I have eyesight
26. That I am literate
27. That I have shelter
28. And heat
29. The tea J made me yesterday
30. Presents J has given me
31. How he was overcome with love for me while we were at the play Phantom of the Opera, and verbalized it
32. I am grateful. Um. That I can walk
33. That I am not as sick as yesterday
34. Um. K called last night
35. Fuck fuck fuck. Um. When I used to look gorgeous in a bathing suit
36. Closets
37. Hot water
38. Cold water
39. Fridge
40. Humidifier
41. Microwave
42. Oven
43. Stovetop
44. Toilet that flushes
45. Dishwasher working
46. Water. Plenty of water
47. Fishes swimming freely
48. Birds who get to fly in the sky
49. Doggie, although I can’t have her again today
50. Underwear
51. Clothes
52. Blankets
53. Pillows
54. Beautiful earrings I bought for M’s birthday.
55. Ability to type
56. That my laptop has been revamped at work so it works
57. That my mother looked so great the other day – Thurs – during our visit
58. Bras
59. Toothbrush
60. Toothpaste
61. Dentists
62. Applesauce
63. Vegan yogurt
64. I am an interesting person
65. There is still hope. There must be. There is. Right? Hope.
66. Sponsor says everybody – even when far into recovery, suffers some days. Okay
67. MA = good talk last night
68. And expecting another one later this am
69. I will somehow manage to pull myself out of this. I will.
70. God will help me.
71. J complimented how the place looks.
72. And especially the flowers
73. I have all my limbs
74. Everyone who is kind
75. Doggie – maybe I can see her for a little time today? I don’t know. If not, next week!
76. That I’m being very fair to J financially. And I most-or-the-time expect he will continue to be, too.
77. N, at work, and some of the talks we have.
78. My hands
79. On number 79, and after writing e-mail in between, not feeling quite as depressed as when started.
80. Grateful that I’m doing these.
81. That I have a whole weekend now.
82. And a good book – although the main one I’m supposed to be reading is at the classroom. But I have a just-plain-old-book – wait two! Here now.
83. Plus another one I’m supposed to read
84. And I am not so dizzy like yesterday, so I maybe can read. Yeah, I can.
85. And then Monday I get to go back to work.
86. And I am determined to calm those crazy children down.
87. One of my aides (one hour a day), whom I love – she’s so wonderful – takes such initiative – and is a lovely human being
88. The ½ hour clerical one, who does work
89. And the one who come when the other leaves, although she takes no initiative, she’s not as bad as the one they replaced. That’s something.
90. That I am not perfect either, and am still accepted by many.
91. Wow. I really am not nearly as sick today. Good.
92. Every day I’ve ever had when wasn’t sick.
93. Elegance – wherever I see it
94. Manners – every time I experience them – in me or others
95. The arts
96. Flowers
97. Dogs
98. Cats
99. Trees
100. Rivers
101. Woods
102. I did it
Oh - and that maybe getting through yesterday could have made me a little stronger - ?
1. nice talk with sponsor yesterday afternoon. Helpful
2. that *can * talk
3. J did come and bring me stuff I needed
4. I did get a lot of sleep
5. What else am I grateful for – that I’m not in a prison camp
6. Or a concentration camp
7. Or a prison
8. That I’m not a slave
9. That my lungs work
10. That I have enough money to live on right now
11. That I have friends
12. People who comment here
13. Humor and laughter
14. That I have never had a stroke
15. That my brain works
16. That I have access to vegetables (not today when can’t do the fiber, but access)
17. All the times I so enjoyed embroidering those pillowcases for me and J, and for J
18. The scarf I knitted for him
19. The blanket I crocheted for him
20. Oh my God, I’m never gonna be able to deal with this. Um, that I have dealt for the last month or so until yesterday. Okay. That.
21. That I don’t have to go look at apartments with M tomorrow
22. That I will continue supporting her as she goes through this
23. That maybe I’ll continue getting support too
24. Maybe someday I’ll be hugged again
25. Oh God I’m so sad. Um. Um. That I have eyesight
26. That I am literate
27. That I have shelter
28. And heat
29. The tea J made me yesterday
30. Presents J has given me
31. How he was overcome with love for me while we were at the play Phantom of the Opera, and verbalized it
32. I am grateful. Um. That I can walk
33. That I am not as sick as yesterday
34. Um. K called last night
35. Fuck fuck fuck. Um. When I used to look gorgeous in a bathing suit
36. Closets
37. Hot water
38. Cold water
39. Fridge
40. Humidifier
41. Microwave
42. Oven
43. Stovetop
44. Toilet that flushes
45. Dishwasher working
46. Water. Plenty of water
47. Fishes swimming freely
48. Birds who get to fly in the sky
49. Doggie, although I can’t have her again today
50. Underwear
51. Clothes
52. Blankets
53. Pillows
54. Beautiful earrings I bought for M’s birthday.
55. Ability to type
56. That my laptop has been revamped at work so it works
57. That my mother looked so great the other day – Thurs – during our visit
58. Bras
59. Toothbrush
60. Toothpaste
61. Dentists
62. Applesauce
63. Vegan yogurt
64. I am an interesting person
65. There is still hope. There must be. There is. Right? Hope.
66. Sponsor says everybody – even when far into recovery, suffers some days. Okay
67. MA = good talk last night
68. And expecting another one later this am
69. I will somehow manage to pull myself out of this. I will.
70. God will help me.
71. J complimented how the place looks.
72. And especially the flowers
73. I have all my limbs
74. Everyone who is kind
75. Doggie – maybe I can see her for a little time today? I don’t know. If not, next week!
76. That I’m being very fair to J financially. And I most-or-the-time expect he will continue to be, too.
77. N, at work, and some of the talks we have.
78. My hands
79. On number 79, and after writing e-mail in between, not feeling quite as depressed as when started.
80. Grateful that I’m doing these.
81. That I have a whole weekend now.
82. And a good book – although the main one I’m supposed to be reading is at the classroom. But I have a just-plain-old-book – wait two! Here now.
83. Plus another one I’m supposed to read
84. And I am not so dizzy like yesterday, so I maybe can read. Yeah, I can.
85. And then Monday I get to go back to work.
86. And I am determined to calm those crazy children down.
87. One of my aides (one hour a day), whom I love – she’s so wonderful – takes such initiative – and is a lovely human being
88. The ½ hour clerical one, who does work
89. And the one who come when the other leaves, although she takes no initiative, she’s not as bad as the one they replaced. That’s something.
90. That I am not perfect either, and am still accepted by many.
91. Wow. I really am not nearly as sick today. Good.
92. Every day I’ve ever had when wasn’t sick.
93. Elegance – wherever I see it
94. Manners – every time I experience them – in me or others
95. The arts
96. Flowers
97. Dogs
98. Cats
99. Trees
100. Rivers
101. Woods
102. I did it
Oh - and that maybe getting through yesterday could have made me a little stronger - ?
Feel like shit
I guess I should try grats. Maybe in a little while.
Can't imagine doing the work today.
But know need it.
I know it's partly because was so sick.
And maybe i also lost my anti-depressant in all the spews from my body.
Will take temperature in little while again.
So far today not anywhere near as sick.
But very scared and depressed:(
Could it partly be because I've been telling people at work, which makes it all so real?
And this is one of the two hardest classes I've ever had. So much craziness. Craziness. Really. And "they're" talking about tying our salaries to these kids test scores?
I feel like it's all about J.
Fuck fuck fuck
Can't imagine doing the work today.
But know need it.
I know it's partly because was so sick.
And maybe i also lost my anti-depressant in all the spews from my body.
Will take temperature in little while again.
So far today not anywhere near as sick.
But very scared and depressed:(
Could it partly be because I've been telling people at work, which makes it all so real?
And this is one of the two hardest classes I've ever had. So much craziness. Craziness. Really. And "they're" talking about tying our salaries to these kids test scores?
I feel like it's all about J.
Fuck fuck fuck
Friday, January 27, 2012
so sick
I'm so sick
and depressed
feel like giving up
wtf is going on
:(
--
Thank you both.
Very sick, that's all.
Lots and lots of bloody diarrhea
followed by morning of lots of lots of vomiting.
Lots.
Dizzy
Cramps
Etc.
I'm sorry to tell you that I called J. He came and brought me ginger teas and stuff and that helped. I can barely move around.
It's probably just a viral thing that's going around.
But I was so saddened and surprised by my want-to-die-today feelings. That they could come back so immediately. I guess dark, alone, sick, raining out, missing work, alone, and did I say alone...
But dr. said take a xanax (I only take a few a year).
I did.
Because I could not escape the feeling.
Now I just feel like s--- but I have been able to drink (rehydrate) and sleep a bit.
Depressing start to the weekend...
Thank you both so much for being there.
Can't do the spiritual stuff.
This much typing is already hurting my joints...
I love you both.
XO
and depressed
feel like giving up
wtf is going on
:(
--
Thank you both.
Very sick, that's all.
Lots and lots of bloody diarrhea
followed by morning of lots of lots of vomiting.
Lots.
Dizzy
Cramps
Etc.
I'm sorry to tell you that I called J. He came and brought me ginger teas and stuff and that helped. I can barely move around.
It's probably just a viral thing that's going around.
But I was so saddened and surprised by my want-to-die-today feelings. That they could come back so immediately. I guess dark, alone, sick, raining out, missing work, alone, and did I say alone...
But dr. said take a xanax (I only take a few a year).
I did.
Because I could not escape the feeling.
Now I just feel like s--- but I have been able to drink (rehydrate) and sleep a bit.
Depressing start to the weekend...
Thank you both so much for being there.
Can't do the spiritual stuff.
This much typing is already hurting my joints...
I love you both.
XO
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Affirmations
I am good
I am smart
I am important
I am useful
I am needed
I am nice
I am happy
The universe takes perfect care of me!
I am smart
I am important
I am useful
I am needed
I am nice
I am happy
The universe takes perfect care of me!
CoDA
I feel:
Worried, stomach achy, tired tired tired, disappointed, angry at self
and
sacred, blessed, fortunate, fun, lighthearted, optimistic, hopeful, grateful
I think it is because:
maybe ate too late? more calories at night than lunch? too much?
nervous about not enough time to do all i have to do!
very angry at self for losing J.
but
smiling and optimistic and a million times less afraid than before
and happy that I don't have to worry about how HE feels about me all the time like I did for SO LONG!
and maybe all those fears were, as dr. says, ways to keep the relationship going (in pathological ways because he encouraged and I needed him to be needed...)
and I am stronger than I ever thought I could be!
Good.
5 good things about me
1. I am very open-minded
2. I can have fun
3. I can forgive and move on
4. I care for other beings
5. I pray
Worried, stomach achy, tired tired tired, disappointed, angry at self
and
sacred, blessed, fortunate, fun, lighthearted, optimistic, hopeful, grateful
I think it is because:
maybe ate too late? more calories at night than lunch? too much?
nervous about not enough time to do all i have to do!
very angry at self for losing J.
but
smiling and optimistic and a million times less afraid than before
and happy that I don't have to worry about how HE feels about me all the time like I did for SO LONG!
and maybe all those fears were, as dr. says, ways to keep the relationship going (in pathological ways because he encouraged and I needed him to be needed...)
and I am stronger than I ever thought I could be!
Good.
5 good things about me
1. I am very open-minded
2. I can have fun
3. I can forgive and move on
4. I care for other beings
5. I pray
Grats
I am grateful:
1. JJ’s comment about L. And yes, distraction – good word. I tried to Reply but blogger wouldn’t let me. I do not want long-term! I do not want sex right now! I just want the delight. And I’m honest with him. I don’t know if he is honest with me, or if he even exists lol. But I am delighted that I am delighted by our conversations! Surprised and delighted!
2. So, in terms of what my shrink has always said – that you must have things to look forward to - I’ve started to!
3. I have French weekly
4. And conversations with L. (for now – there’ll be other men I can have friendships with too).
5. And piano
6. And time with friends
7. And doggie on weekend
8. And even exercise.
9. And upcoming vacation which I plan to make spa-like for self (without the expense of going to a spa)
10. And possible trip with O next summer
11. 3 more talks with new therapist (it’s a 5-session thing).
12. Book club next week
13. That’s all a good “start.”
14. Good session with therapist yesterday, I think.
15. I’m learning what *I * like, and becoming more myself.
16. I had a dream last night. About J wanting to go out to dinner with me (in the dream we had always planned to do this on a certain date of the month). That was nice.
17. But – in same dream, he could not accept who I am. Like at the farm (it was a dream) the afternoon before the date, he thought my shirt should be changed because “it’s dirty.” Meanwhile, I had put it on straight from the wash and it was clean of course; the white even sparkled. And he complained because I wasn’t wearing makeup and he expected “at least some color on your lips.” Part of me is grateful for the dream because I don’t live consumed with what J thinks of me anymore. (The other part of me hates myself because for a while I did always let him see me at my worst.)
18. I am worried because I am always my best at work, and then so tired. And middle-aged fat tired doesn’t physically look the same as trim fit thin pretty 23 and tired. A middle-aged fat woman in sweats with hair in ponytail and no makeup does NOT look like a 23 year old in same stuff. So no one would ever want to be around this. But another part of me says: 1) I could spend a little on after-work clothes, and I am losing weight…2) This is for now and is good for me to be free and 3) I cannot undo the past. I’m grateful for THOSE thoughts.
19. M. just wrote. We’re going to a movie on the weekend. Good.
20. Plus I’ll make sure to not bore doggie to death like last time.
21. I read a French picture book. Now more.
22. I will see my mother today. Hard, but I’m grateful.
23. And talk with new therapist tomorrow.
24. Nothing else scary to expect today, I think (visit to mom is uncomfortable and one never knows what to expect).
25. The cousins who love me.
26. Accepting people.
27. My shrink said I’m “doing very well.”
28. My house is still clean every day.
29. I forgot both the garbage and recycling this week, but it’s okay. I really forgot. Plus I’m not obsessed. I have only one bag of garbage and not even one container of recycling right now. And garbage pick-up will be tomorrow, and I’ll remember.
30. I sort of hate who I used to be. But I’m getting over that. Because again, I can’t change the past.
31. I’m okay in the day. And very grateful for that!
32. I am glad I no longer need to try to make everyone love me!
33. I am MUCH less judgmental than I used to be. Almost always, when I find myself starting to judge, compassion takes over instead. And that is worth a lot.
34. I feel so bad about myself today, that it is hard to come up with gratitudes. Time to really do some thinking here. I am grateful that I am not in a concentration camp.
35. Or a prisoner of war camp.
36. Or a prison
37. Or an iron lung
38. Or a third world country
39. That I am not starving
40. That I have all my limbs.
41. That I am not dying right now.
42. That I do not have physical suffering right now.
43. That I have access to plenty of fresh, clean water.
44. That I’ve been to college.
45. And grad school.
46. I have a job
47. And a car
48. And a house
49. And friends who love me and whom I love
50. And part-time doggie. Which is actually nice. Because I get to enjoy her but don’t have to do ALL the work.
51. And I have freedom
52. And I am not alone.
53. And I am not alone in cyberspace
54. And I have hobbies
55. And access to good books.
56. I am grateful for public libraries.
57. And Dale Carnegie for starting them.
58. And drawers
59. And closets. Really.
60. And my feet that are healthy and help carry me about.
61. And my hands that do so much
62. And my French lessons
63. And my upcoming piano lesson
64. And my therapist
65. And my other temporary one
66. And OA
67. And CoDA
68. And you
69. And I am not alone in cyber-space
70. And I AM a whole person
71. And hearing that form you, here.
72. And my Aunt J, who I think is now dying, but who was always good to me
73. And that her not always being good to mother, but to me, helps me see that people can be mixed and I can still love them.
74. That I am not a bigot
75. That I helped that very troubled girl the day before yesterday.
76. That dr. yesterday said I did it just right.
77. Other doggie’s footprint on wall (in frame) here
78. Den
79. Tv
80. L.r. and it’s pretty
81. TWO bouquets of flowers her right now
82. DR breakfront that doesn’t have dishes displayed, but beautiful items.
83. Royal Doulton figurines. The older ones, before it got so commercialized…
84. My father finding special place to take us too in my teens.
85. And to take me too when my mother would be hospitalized.
86. Like the play 1776. That was powerful.
87. And the movie, Gone with the Wind.
88. And that Italian restaurant
89. Stuffed artichokes (vegan, of course) – my favorite food
90. Whole grain bread
91. Fruit. Fresh fruit.
92. Green beans
93. My mother loved the soup.
94. And is happy that there’s more.
95. I can relax tonight.
96. I can give the kiddies a great day today.
97. K.
98. My principal
99. My superintendent, who is out there fighting the good fight
100. And our board of ed, who supports him in that fight
1. JJ’s comment about L. And yes, distraction – good word. I tried to Reply but blogger wouldn’t let me. I do not want long-term! I do not want sex right now! I just want the delight. And I’m honest with him. I don’t know if he is honest with me, or if he even exists lol. But I am delighted that I am delighted by our conversations! Surprised and delighted!
2. So, in terms of what my shrink has always said – that you must have things to look forward to - I’ve started to!
3. I have French weekly
4. And conversations with L. (for now – there’ll be other men I can have friendships with too).
5. And piano
6. And time with friends
7. And doggie on weekend
8. And even exercise.
9. And upcoming vacation which I plan to make spa-like for self (without the expense of going to a spa)
10. And possible trip with O next summer
11. 3 more talks with new therapist (it’s a 5-session thing).
12. Book club next week
13. That’s all a good “start.”
14. Good session with therapist yesterday, I think.
15. I’m learning what *I * like, and becoming more myself.
16. I had a dream last night. About J wanting to go out to dinner with me (in the dream we had always planned to do this on a certain date of the month). That was nice.
17. But – in same dream, he could not accept who I am. Like at the farm (it was a dream) the afternoon before the date, he thought my shirt should be changed because “it’s dirty.” Meanwhile, I had put it on straight from the wash and it was clean of course; the white even sparkled. And he complained because I wasn’t wearing makeup and he expected “at least some color on your lips.” Part of me is grateful for the dream because I don’t live consumed with what J thinks of me anymore. (The other part of me hates myself because for a while I did always let him see me at my worst.)
18. I am worried because I am always my best at work, and then so tired. And middle-aged fat tired doesn’t physically look the same as trim fit thin pretty 23 and tired. A middle-aged fat woman in sweats with hair in ponytail and no makeup does NOT look like a 23 year old in same stuff. So no one would ever want to be around this. But another part of me says: 1) I could spend a little on after-work clothes, and I am losing weight…2) This is for now and is good for me to be free and 3) I cannot undo the past. I’m grateful for THOSE thoughts.
19. M. just wrote. We’re going to a movie on the weekend. Good.
20. Plus I’ll make sure to not bore doggie to death like last time.
21. I read a French picture book. Now more.
22. I will see my mother today. Hard, but I’m grateful.
23. And talk with new therapist tomorrow.
24. Nothing else scary to expect today, I think (visit to mom is uncomfortable and one never knows what to expect).
25. The cousins who love me.
26. Accepting people.
27. My shrink said I’m “doing very well.”
28. My house is still clean every day.
29. I forgot both the garbage and recycling this week, but it’s okay. I really forgot. Plus I’m not obsessed. I have only one bag of garbage and not even one container of recycling right now. And garbage pick-up will be tomorrow, and I’ll remember.
30. I sort of hate who I used to be. But I’m getting over that. Because again, I can’t change the past.
31. I’m okay in the day. And very grateful for that!
32. I am glad I no longer need to try to make everyone love me!
33. I am MUCH less judgmental than I used to be. Almost always, when I find myself starting to judge, compassion takes over instead. And that is worth a lot.
34. I feel so bad about myself today, that it is hard to come up with gratitudes. Time to really do some thinking here. I am grateful that I am not in a concentration camp.
35. Or a prisoner of war camp.
36. Or a prison
37. Or an iron lung
38. Or a third world country
39. That I am not starving
40. That I have all my limbs.
41. That I am not dying right now.
42. That I do not have physical suffering right now.
43. That I have access to plenty of fresh, clean water.
44. That I’ve been to college.
45. And grad school.
46. I have a job
47. And a car
48. And a house
49. And friends who love me and whom I love
50. And part-time doggie. Which is actually nice. Because I get to enjoy her but don’t have to do ALL the work.
51. And I have freedom
52. And I am not alone.
53. And I am not alone in cyberspace
54. And I have hobbies
55. And access to good books.
56. I am grateful for public libraries.
57. And Dale Carnegie for starting them.
58. And drawers
59. And closets. Really.
60. And my feet that are healthy and help carry me about.
61. And my hands that do so much
62. And my French lessons
63. And my upcoming piano lesson
64. And my therapist
65. And my other temporary one
66. And OA
67. And CoDA
68. And you
69. And I am not alone in cyber-space
70. And I AM a whole person
71. And hearing that form you, here.
72. And my Aunt J, who I think is now dying, but who was always good to me
73. And that her not always being good to mother, but to me, helps me see that people can be mixed and I can still love them.
74. That I am not a bigot
75. That I helped that very troubled girl the day before yesterday.
76. That dr. yesterday said I did it just right.
77. Other doggie’s footprint on wall (in frame) here
78. Den
79. Tv
80. L.r. and it’s pretty
81. TWO bouquets of flowers her right now
82. DR breakfront that doesn’t have dishes displayed, but beautiful items.
83. Royal Doulton figurines. The older ones, before it got so commercialized…
84. My father finding special place to take us too in my teens.
85. And to take me too when my mother would be hospitalized.
86. Like the play 1776. That was powerful.
87. And the movie, Gone with the Wind.
88. And that Italian restaurant
89. Stuffed artichokes (vegan, of course) – my favorite food
90. Whole grain bread
91. Fruit. Fresh fruit.
92. Green beans
93. My mother loved the soup.
94. And is happy that there’s more.
95. I can relax tonight.
96. I can give the kiddies a great day today.
97. K.
98. My principal
99. My superintendent, who is out there fighting the good fight
100. And our board of ed, who supports him in that fight
Readings
Yesterday's For Today:
"If the blind lead the blind both shall fall into the ditch." The Bible: Matthew
About looking for direction from anyone and everyone...but found more problems and less self-esteem. And finding independence in OA and self-honesty and listening to own feelings rather than people who think they know what's best for me = so much better. Higher Power "is the only source from which I seek such knowledge."
"For today: I fI don't know which way to go, I turn the problem over to God in steps three and eleven, completely confident that the answer will come. I may discuss the matter with my sponsor and others whom I trust, but I give myself time to learn what God would have me do."
Today's For Today: "We suffer primarily not from our vices or our weaknesses, but from our illusions. We are haunted, not by reality, but by those images we have put in place of reality." Daniel J. Boorstin
"My life didn't match life as it was shown in movies, books, on TV. So I thought something was wrong and I had to fix it. That delusion led me to demoralization and despair.
Today, with OA's steps of recovery, I know illusions are an escape from reality and the price i pay for that escape is my illness. Reality is what is. today, I do not have the illusion that I am the center of the universe, that I should try to make everyone love me, that my opinions are facts. My illusions are being replaced with enlightenment, my resentment with serenity, my anger with love.
For today: Staying in the real world is far less painful than hiding in food and fat."
Yesterday's Voices of Recovery:
"Before we joined the OA Fellowship our prayers for help might have gone unanswered simply because we were never meant to face this disease in isolation." OA 12 & 12 p 15-16
"I was one of those people who prayed regularly for God to remove the fat and allow me to continue overeating. I prayed for the day to be different, not understanding the concept that taking the first bit triggered the disease. i also ate secretly, making sure everyone was out of the house so that I could eat. Today OA offers me the opportunity to be with fellow sufferers who know the pain that excess food has caused. OA offers me recovery from compulsive overeating. I do not need to live in isolation any longer because there are people who understand my disease. What a miracle! I no longer need to isolate myself, as I have come to believe in a power greater than myself, and I share the camaraderie of fellow compulsive overeaters.
Today's Voices of Recovery:
uh oh
"...praying only for knowledge of His will for us." Step Eleven
...
"Too often, even after years of recovery, I forget that God does not need instructions from me on how to run my life. God knows all my problems, pains, and fears and the insane solutions I often plot in my mind. I need only recall that many years of my best thinking brought me to IA.
No, God does not need a task list from me.
For today i will remember to let an infinite Higher Power enrich my life and broaden my horizons with His will, rather than shortchanging myself with the finite limits of my own human vision."
Ooh I like this - yesterday's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, i am more than the sum of my mistakes and misfortunes.
I accept my codependent tendencies while honoring my value and worth. All the experiences that led to my recovery are gifts, too. My recovery provides me with new insights and grants me wisdom that makes me a happier person. i may choose to share this knowledge with other, inside or outside the CoDA Fellowship. My recovery is a gift from my Higher Power, without which I would not be the person I am today."
Okay
Oh. And I need this sentence very much. Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I am gentle with myself.
I forgive myself for my past mistakes and focus on the lessons I've learned. I have compassion for myself, for all the trials and pain that I have endured. I acknowledge my accomplishments instead of always thinking how much more I have to do. I allow myself to observe and notice without judging or reacting. Each small step, each daily action, is what counts in recovery."
Yesterday's language of Letting Go
"Step One
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." Step On eof Al=-Anon
and how significant the word we is there. in the comming together with a commone problem we find a common solution. we have felt alone in our pain and now are holding hands together
"Today, I will be grateful for the many people across the world who call themselves 'recovering codependents.' Help me know that each time one of us takes a step forward, we pull the entire group forward."
NICE!
Today's:
"Off the Hook.
We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pull us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. more often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, KNOWING oR HOPING that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sight about something, then coyly say, 'Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about,' that's a GAME. WE need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, the cues that hook us into a predictable, and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. THEY know what they're feeling. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from ourselves. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bit it.
Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty I, and others, deserve.
==
"If the blind lead the blind both shall fall into the ditch." The Bible: Matthew
About looking for direction from anyone and everyone...but found more problems and less self-esteem. And finding independence in OA and self-honesty and listening to own feelings rather than people who think they know what's best for me = so much better. Higher Power "is the only source from which I seek such knowledge."
"For today: I fI don't know which way to go, I turn the problem over to God in steps three and eleven, completely confident that the answer will come. I may discuss the matter with my sponsor and others whom I trust, but I give myself time to learn what God would have me do."
Today's For Today: "We suffer primarily not from our vices or our weaknesses, but from our illusions. We are haunted, not by reality, but by those images we have put in place of reality." Daniel J. Boorstin
"My life didn't match life as it was shown in movies, books, on TV. So I thought something was wrong and I had to fix it. That delusion led me to demoralization and despair.
Today, with OA's steps of recovery, I know illusions are an escape from reality and the price i pay for that escape is my illness. Reality is what is. today, I do not have the illusion that I am the center of the universe, that I should try to make everyone love me, that my opinions are facts. My illusions are being replaced with enlightenment, my resentment with serenity, my anger with love.
For today: Staying in the real world is far less painful than hiding in food and fat."
Yesterday's Voices of Recovery:
"Before we joined the OA Fellowship our prayers for help might have gone unanswered simply because we were never meant to face this disease in isolation." OA 12 & 12 p 15-16
"I was one of those people who prayed regularly for God to remove the fat and allow me to continue overeating. I prayed for the day to be different, not understanding the concept that taking the first bit triggered the disease. i also ate secretly, making sure everyone was out of the house so that I could eat. Today OA offers me the opportunity to be with fellow sufferers who know the pain that excess food has caused. OA offers me recovery from compulsive overeating. I do not need to live in isolation any longer because there are people who understand my disease. What a miracle! I no longer need to isolate myself, as I have come to believe in a power greater than myself, and I share the camaraderie of fellow compulsive overeaters.
Today's Voices of Recovery:
uh oh
"...praying only for knowledge of His will for us." Step Eleven
...
"Too often, even after years of recovery, I forget that God does not need instructions from me on how to run my life. God knows all my problems, pains, and fears and the insane solutions I often plot in my mind. I need only recall that many years of my best thinking brought me to IA.
No, God does not need a task list from me.
For today i will remember to let an infinite Higher Power enrich my life and broaden my horizons with His will, rather than shortchanging myself with the finite limits of my own human vision."
Ooh I like this - yesterday's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, i am more than the sum of my mistakes and misfortunes.
I accept my codependent tendencies while honoring my value and worth. All the experiences that led to my recovery are gifts, too. My recovery provides me with new insights and grants me wisdom that makes me a happier person. i may choose to share this knowledge with other, inside or outside the CoDA Fellowship. My recovery is a gift from my Higher Power, without which I would not be the person I am today."
Okay
Oh. And I need this sentence very much. Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I am gentle with myself.
I forgive myself for my past mistakes and focus on the lessons I've learned. I have compassion for myself, for all the trials and pain that I have endured. I acknowledge my accomplishments instead of always thinking how much more I have to do. I allow myself to observe and notice without judging or reacting. Each small step, each daily action, is what counts in recovery."
Yesterday's language of Letting Go
"Step One
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." Step On eof Al=-Anon
and how significant the word we is there. in the comming together with a commone problem we find a common solution. we have felt alone in our pain and now are holding hands together
"Today, I will be grateful for the many people across the world who call themselves 'recovering codependents.' Help me know that each time one of us takes a step forward, we pull the entire group forward."
NICE!
Today's:
"Off the Hook.
We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pull us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. more often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, KNOWING oR HOPING that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sight about something, then coyly say, 'Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about,' that's a GAME. WE need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, the cues that hook us into a predictable, and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. THEY know what they're feeling. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from ourselves. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bit it.
Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty I, and others, deserve.
==
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Quickidy Feelings Work
I feel:
Uneasy about today's aide - yuck.
Okay inside overall.
Healthy.
Proud of self.
Hopeful.
Thank you, God.
5 good things about me:
1. I am a vegan
2. I am good to children.
3. I am great in an emergency.
4. I can be trusted.
5. I am funny.
Uneasy about today's aide - yuck.
Okay inside overall.
Healthy.
Proud of self.
Hopeful.
Thank you, God.
5 good things about me:
1. I am a vegan
2. I am good to children.
3. I am great in an emergency.
4. I can be trusted.
5. I am funny.
Affirmations
I am good.
God made me.
God loves me.
I am enough.
The universe is endlessly good to me.
I have all I need, and more!
God made me.
God loves me.
I am enough.
The universe is endlessly good to me.
I have all I need, and more!
Journal
Wow -
So late -
Can't do all rest -
Must call sponsor, shower, and leave for work.
Wow, this morning flew by.
Will try later.
So late -
Can't do all rest -
Must call sponsor, shower, and leave for work.
Wow, this morning flew by.
Will try later.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. L, a male with whom I am now communicating. I’m enjoying our communications (online and anonymous).
2. And that I don’t want anything from him. No sex. No possibility of long-term relationship. Truly. Just enjoying conversation.
3. And he is supposedly good with that. I’ll be careful, of course. But it is fun.
4. Showing my kiddies my French primer books yesterday. They loved seeing me struggle during private reading time, to sound out words and try to glean meaning from the picture clues. I tried to pretend I didn’t know they were paying attention, as I sat on the rug with them and read (which we almost never get to do – like 3x a year!). But I know they were internalizing and feeling good about their own growth as readers, watching me do and enjoy that.
5. Deep breaths.
6. Happy breaths.
7. Laughter in faculty room at lunch yesterday. And without rudeness or off-color stuff. That felt nice.
8. Being more and more myself.
9. This loaner laptop. It’s so much – tighter – than my other decrepit one.
10. My life
11. This age. That I’m not older as I learn these lessons. Sure, I would *in a way * prefer to have learned then younger, but I’m glad am doing so now.
12. That I have never had a drug problem.
13. Or a drinking problem.
14. That I’m eating well.
15. Nice talk with sponsor yesterday.
16. The Fairy Tale work
17. My tech lesson with Jo yesterday
18. And her saying that I’ve influenced her in terms of gratefulness. That makes me feel wonderful!
19. Will do the breathing game with the kiddies today. Yay.
20. Dr. tonight and nothing else. Yay.
21. Did the hard stuff yesterday. And it didn’t turn out to be so hard! Yay.
22. Had the tech meeting.
23. Had the parents-psychologist hour and a half meeting
24. Had the long long nighttime phone call with the mother of the girl who told me bad things yesterday.
25. Also of course reported the bad things to the office and psychologist (she is not being abused, thank God. If she were, I am mandated to report it further – it’s about stuff in her head. And it turns out she is getting help).
26. Went to mother’s apartment and got her mail for her.
27. Stopped home to pick up homemade soup I had here for her.
28. Went to nursing home.
29. Went through the mail with her – difficult: (
30. Met her nursing home friend, Mary. That was nice.
31. Gave the soups to the nurses. They labeled etc.
32. She told Mary about them and that they would share them today! I’m happy for them about that!
33. Then we had a long visit.
34. And she was kind of like her old self. Mentally, not physically. But vocabulary, class, conversationally…It was great!
35. And I made sure they’ll take care of her pj situation.
36. Came home and did not pig out.
37. Slept.
38. Don’t remember any traumatic (or any great) dreams. Know dreampt. So, uneventful. Good.
39. Fun stuff and basic stuff to do with kiddies today.
40. Icky aide coming as mine will be absent, but I will work it out.
41. Nice that I know I will work it out.
42. The plants in the classroom.
43. Yesterday was national laughter day. I think that’s important.
44. Soon will be the Oscars. I will sleep, not watch. But I *will * watch the red carpet. I enjoy that.
45. Angelina Joie. I don’t know her, and with no right to any judgment, I do have one. I think she’s crazy. However, I think she’s beautiful and it gives me pleasure to look at her.
46. Mozart.
47. Chopin.
48. Bach.
49. Beethoven.
50. Shubert
51. Rachmaninoff
52. Beautiful picture in books.
53. MacKnight paintings.
54. That I think friends don’t come here. And I never give this blog address to anyone I know irl first, anymore. It helps me because I can be fully, and I mean 100%, myself.
55. My spirituality.
56. This sofa.
57. My new French teacher. I think we’ll be good together.
58. Koko the Gorilla. And all the people she has influenced about animals.
59. Chairs.
60. Design
61. Gold leaf. I know. It’s a ridiculous luxury. But it’s pretty hee hee.
62. Ultra-modern architecture.
63. Houses that face the ocean in front and the mountains in back. (Like the one Courney Cox and David Arquette had. Have?)
64. People with money who share it with others in need.
65. And those who share it with the arts. The arts are important too.
66. Every walk in nature I’ve ever had.
67. That I have my own house.
68. That I worked SO HARD for it. And it is really mine.
69. My (our) doggie.
70. Every fish I’ve had
71. Every bird I’ve had
72. Every dog I’ve had
73. Shoes
74. Boots
75. Learning about how to videotape and put on internet for parents, the kids’ singing the rap from the fairy tales omg it is too cute
76. EJ
77. JJ
78. Birdie
79. Kayleigh
80. Kris
81. Steve
82. Christy
83. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be not alone in cyberspace. Especially first thing in dark morning alone. Phhhheeeeeeew.
84. Two of the brightest girls in my class, realizing that every time we do any math equations, that thing before an answer is an equals sign. You had to be there, but it was adorable. The things we just assume they “get…” It was like, “Look, look, we made up a sign to mean equals!” “Wow! You’re so creative! Wonderful! Are you going to use that today instead of the regular equals sign?” “What do you mean? There’s already an equals sign?” “Sure, Honeies, we use it every day.” “What?” “Look. 1 + 1 = 2. Read that to me.” “One plus one equals 2.” “Um hmmm.” Blank stare. I point at equals sign. “What did you say here?” Them: “Equals. - - - OOOOOHHHHHHH! Wow!” SO cute!
85. My toast is ready. I shall go eat. With stomach hunger. Yay.
86. And now I have just had a healthy breakfast. Lucky.
87. The internet
88. That although this is the hardest time in my life, there are billions of people who would trade places with me in a moment.
89. And that I am aware of that.
90. And that I pray for them sometimes..
91. And do reiki for them sometimes too.
92. The 3 paintings made by 3rd graders for me, under which I am now sitting.
93. Happy dances
94. Dancing in general.
95. That I have pretty strong legs. Still.
96. That B is beginning to lose weight too. Good for her!
97. That I don’t feel stomach-nervous right now, this morning.
98. Typing. I just love typing.
99. Pretty, fresh-fallen snow on leaves.
100. Especially that one street near my house, where I’ve been the first or one of the very first drivers and it felt like being inside a snow globe.
1. L, a male with whom I am now communicating. I’m enjoying our communications (online and anonymous).
2. And that I don’t want anything from him. No sex. No possibility of long-term relationship. Truly. Just enjoying conversation.
3. And he is supposedly good with that. I’ll be careful, of course. But it is fun.
4. Showing my kiddies my French primer books yesterday. They loved seeing me struggle during private reading time, to sound out words and try to glean meaning from the picture clues. I tried to pretend I didn’t know they were paying attention, as I sat on the rug with them and read (which we almost never get to do – like 3x a year!). But I know they were internalizing and feeling good about their own growth as readers, watching me do and enjoy that.
5. Deep breaths.
6. Happy breaths.
7. Laughter in faculty room at lunch yesterday. And without rudeness or off-color stuff. That felt nice.
8. Being more and more myself.
9. This loaner laptop. It’s so much – tighter – than my other decrepit one.
10. My life
11. This age. That I’m not older as I learn these lessons. Sure, I would *in a way * prefer to have learned then younger, but I’m glad am doing so now.
12. That I have never had a drug problem.
13. Or a drinking problem.
14. That I’m eating well.
15. Nice talk with sponsor yesterday.
16. The Fairy Tale work
17. My tech lesson with Jo yesterday
18. And her saying that I’ve influenced her in terms of gratefulness. That makes me feel wonderful!
19. Will do the breathing game with the kiddies today. Yay.
20. Dr. tonight and nothing else. Yay.
21. Did the hard stuff yesterday. And it didn’t turn out to be so hard! Yay.
22. Had the tech meeting.
23. Had the parents-psychologist hour and a half meeting
24. Had the long long nighttime phone call with the mother of the girl who told me bad things yesterday.
25. Also of course reported the bad things to the office and psychologist (she is not being abused, thank God. If she were, I am mandated to report it further – it’s about stuff in her head. And it turns out she is getting help).
26. Went to mother’s apartment and got her mail for her.
27. Stopped home to pick up homemade soup I had here for her.
28. Went to nursing home.
29. Went through the mail with her – difficult: (
30. Met her nursing home friend, Mary. That was nice.
31. Gave the soups to the nurses. They labeled etc.
32. She told Mary about them and that they would share them today! I’m happy for them about that!
33. Then we had a long visit.
34. And she was kind of like her old self. Mentally, not physically. But vocabulary, class, conversationally…It was great!
35. And I made sure they’ll take care of her pj situation.
36. Came home and did not pig out.
37. Slept.
38. Don’t remember any traumatic (or any great) dreams. Know dreampt. So, uneventful. Good.
39. Fun stuff and basic stuff to do with kiddies today.
40. Icky aide coming as mine will be absent, but I will work it out.
41. Nice that I know I will work it out.
42. The plants in the classroom.
43. Yesterday was national laughter day. I think that’s important.
44. Soon will be the Oscars. I will sleep, not watch. But I *will * watch the red carpet. I enjoy that.
45. Angelina Joie. I don’t know her, and with no right to any judgment, I do have one. I think she’s crazy. However, I think she’s beautiful and it gives me pleasure to look at her.
46. Mozart.
47. Chopin.
48. Bach.
49. Beethoven.
50. Shubert
51. Rachmaninoff
52. Beautiful picture in books.
53. MacKnight paintings.
54. That I think friends don’t come here. And I never give this blog address to anyone I know irl first, anymore. It helps me because I can be fully, and I mean 100%, myself.
55. My spirituality.
56. This sofa.
57. My new French teacher. I think we’ll be good together.
58. Koko the Gorilla. And all the people she has influenced about animals.
59. Chairs.
60. Design
61. Gold leaf. I know. It’s a ridiculous luxury. But it’s pretty hee hee.
62. Ultra-modern architecture.
63. Houses that face the ocean in front and the mountains in back. (Like the one Courney Cox and David Arquette had. Have?)
64. People with money who share it with others in need.
65. And those who share it with the arts. The arts are important too.
66. Every walk in nature I’ve ever had.
67. That I have my own house.
68. That I worked SO HARD for it. And it is really mine.
69. My (our) doggie.
70. Every fish I’ve had
71. Every bird I’ve had
72. Every dog I’ve had
73. Shoes
74. Boots
75. Learning about how to videotape and put on internet for parents, the kids’ singing the rap from the fairy tales omg it is too cute
76. EJ
77. JJ
78. Birdie
79. Kayleigh
80. Kris
81. Steve
82. Christy
83. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be not alone in cyberspace. Especially first thing in dark morning alone. Phhhheeeeeeew.
84. Two of the brightest girls in my class, realizing that every time we do any math equations, that thing before an answer is an equals sign. You had to be there, but it was adorable. The things we just assume they “get…” It was like, “Look, look, we made up a sign to mean equals!” “Wow! You’re so creative! Wonderful! Are you going to use that today instead of the regular equals sign?” “What do you mean? There’s already an equals sign?” “Sure, Honeies, we use it every day.” “What?” “Look. 1 + 1 = 2. Read that to me.” “One plus one equals 2.” “Um hmmm.” Blank stare. I point at equals sign. “What did you say here?” Them: “Equals. - - - OOOOOHHHHHHH! Wow!” SO cute!
85. My toast is ready. I shall go eat. With stomach hunger. Yay.
86. And now I have just had a healthy breakfast. Lucky.
87. The internet
88. That although this is the hardest time in my life, there are billions of people who would trade places with me in a moment.
89. And that I am aware of that.
90. And that I pray for them sometimes..
91. And do reiki for them sometimes too.
92. The 3 paintings made by 3rd graders for me, under which I am now sitting.
93. Happy dances
94. Dancing in general.
95. That I have pretty strong legs. Still.
96. That B is beginning to lose weight too. Good for her!
97. That I don’t feel stomach-nervous right now, this morning.
98. Typing. I just love typing.
99. Pretty, fresh-fallen snow on leaves.
100. Especially that one street near my house, where I’ve been the first or one of the very first drivers and it felt like being inside a snow globe.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Readings
Wow - Today's For Today:
"Every man has his own courage, but is betrayed because he seeks in himself he courage of other persons." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Other people always seemed better than me - more confident, more at ease, better able to deal with life's problems. i only knew how I felt and how others looked.
When i came to OA I heard, 'Don't compare your inside with someone else's outside' and 'God does not make junk.' Each time I am aware of the tendency to put myself down, I affirm and follow through on my belief that I deserve the same credit I give to others. I treat myself as I would treat someone I love and respect.
For today: Liking myself, as God does, opens new doors, evokes a new spirit that gives me courage and makes room for true humility.
Today's Voices of Recovery:
"I started the program by doing everything I was supposed to do . . . Action is the magic word. . . " OA second Edition, p. 151
..."The answers to life are not in the refrigerator or pantry. That was the problem. Today I lie in the answer - the Steps and the tools. I changed residence, and the problem went away."
Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I am frustrated.
People and events are not moving along fast enough for me. Recovery teaches me to ask myself, 'How much control do I have over any of this?" Today, the answer is, 'None.' The solution? Silently, I recite the Serenity Prayer. I thank my Higher Power for the wisdom of recovery thinking. There will always be difficult situations. I'm learning to handle them differently. My frustration fades as I let go and let God.
Today's Language of Letting Go
"Clearing the Slate
...that holding on to negative feelings from past relationships is our greatest barrier to the gift of an open, loving heart. Wow.
more tomorrow - rushing---
"Every man has his own courage, but is betrayed because he seeks in himself he courage of other persons." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Other people always seemed better than me - more confident, more at ease, better able to deal with life's problems. i only knew how I felt and how others looked.
When i came to OA I heard, 'Don't compare your inside with someone else's outside' and 'God does not make junk.' Each time I am aware of the tendency to put myself down, I affirm and follow through on my belief that I deserve the same credit I give to others. I treat myself as I would treat someone I love and respect.
For today: Liking myself, as God does, opens new doors, evokes a new spirit that gives me courage and makes room for true humility.
Today's Voices of Recovery:
"I started the program by doing everything I was supposed to do . . . Action is the magic word. . . " OA second Edition, p. 151
..."The answers to life are not in the refrigerator or pantry. That was the problem. Today I lie in the answer - the Steps and the tools. I changed residence, and the problem went away."
Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I am frustrated.
People and events are not moving along fast enough for me. Recovery teaches me to ask myself, 'How much control do I have over any of this?" Today, the answer is, 'None.' The solution? Silently, I recite the Serenity Prayer. I thank my Higher Power for the wisdom of recovery thinking. There will always be difficult situations. I'm learning to handle them differently. My frustration fades as I let go and let God.
Today's Language of Letting Go
"Clearing the Slate
...that holding on to negative feelings from past relationships is our greatest barrier to the gift of an open, loving heart. Wow.
more tomorrow - rushing---
Affirmations
I am good.
God loves me.
God makes me.
Like all others, I am a living being and therefore worthwhile.
I am happy.
I am whole!
The universe is so good and abundant and perfect to me!
God loves me.
God makes me.
Like all others, I am a living being and therefore worthwhile.
I am happy.
I am whole!
The universe is so good and abundant and perfect to me!
CoDA
Just feelings - that are good - this morning
Grateful, appreciated, hopeful, determined, open
5 good things about me:
1. I have started French lessons for myself because I want to.
2. People usually like me.
3. I have been/am good for hundreds of kids in my life.
4. I am deep. J. hates that, I think, but really, it is a good thing
5. I am trying to be more and more positive
Grateful, appreciated, hopeful, determined, open
5 good things about me:
1. I have started French lessons for myself because I want to.
2. People usually like me.
3. I have been/am good for hundreds of kids in my life.
4. I am deep. J. hates that, I think, but really, it is a good thing
5. I am trying to be more and more positive
Grats
I am grateful:
1. My French lesson was yesterday!
2. It was fantastic!
3. I’m to have one a week. So excited.
4. And my teacher said, as everyone does, that my pronunciation and inflection is wonderful. Yay.
5. And I remembered more than either of us thought I would.
6. And then I said I’d like to read some “primer” books for practice and she told me which library to go to as that town has a large French population.
7. And it’s MA’s town!
8. I called, MA ran down in the rain to my car, and we went over.
9. Her friend of 35 years was the librarian yesterday, and they had a great talk.
10. And I have a bagful of books!
11. Plus there are many many more there.
12. And – I feel like my students. “Ooh, I can’t wait until someday I can read a chapter book,” like some feel in the beginning of second grade.
13. Plus – they met my teacher. That was cool for them.
14. And as always, when I am bring taught, it reminds me of MANY things that they might be feeling and makes me yet more sensitive to them.
15. Actually, my time and energy here are so limited, that I am glad she comes to school at lunchtime even though I get less than the full hour.
16. She was thrilled to have a student who is there for the love of it (not mother forcing kid to tutor because failing…)
17. ***And it all means I am doing something for myself! ***
18. I’m grateful that unlike yesterday, I was not up and active at 2:30 am today!
19. I’m grateful that I told my principal and her sort of assistant principal yesterday, about J not living here.
20. And that one held my held and one hugged me.
21. They were SO nice.
22. And I, as always, was honest. And said I am nice to the kids and they are learning, and I am professional with other adults, but I must be nervous because schedule-remembering (outside of class – meetings, courses, mother,…) is getting confused so I have to keep very careful lists.
23. So Ma is going to help me plan the zoo trip. (They said if you need help with anything, let us know).
24. AND – a luncheon yesterday conflicted with my lesson. Speaking of schedules). So principal said, make your way through, make a plate even though I know nothing will be vegan and there’ll be nothing you can eat, smile a lot, get out and go to your lesson. You can bring your teacher the plate! I’m so grateful.
25. I also told N. and she was wonderful.
26. I am finally ready for everyone at work to know. (Hopefully not students and parents, but professionals. But I can’t control that anyway).
27. Hey – in years and years, I could wind up with one of the widowed or divorced grandparents or something! : )
28. J. went to see my mother yesterday am and thinks she’ll stick it out for the next week. I am SO grateful.
29. And she did sound much better yesterday afternoon. PHEW
30. And – back to the French, I think during private reading today, I will read my primer French books – trying to decode and ascertain meaning – rather than engaging with a group or whatever – for the purpose of them seeing me do it. For their sake. Good.
31. And MA was proud of me.
32. And – and this is uncomfortable – MA said she’d love to come over (lives near school) and sit in. Was actually thinking about it. Afraid might interrupt too much… - well, I love her, but this is MINE and I’m grateful that I would be able to say that if it comes up. I think : )
33. And that I feel so good now without walking around school with the secret. Phew. So grateful to feel that way!
34. Woke up tired, heated coffee, poured it, and as sipping, opened e-mails from parents – all complimentary!
35. One reminding me how grateful she (mom – and one who’s known to be difficult) is that he has never been as happy as he is in my room. I honestly don’t know why, but this child smiles all day long. I’m so glad!
36. J. seems to notice that I’m happier and busy with nice things. *It is not my intent – I am doing these things for me! But it is nice that he seems to notice.
37. My. Life. Does. Not. Revolve. Around. Him. Now. Thank you, God, friends, therapists, programs, universe, self.
38. That I just thanked myself.
39. That I am not alone in cyber-space.
40. I have stomach hunger right now. Good. I shall go make some breakfast. For the right reason.
41. I am having a life without J living here!
42. That today I am not in the shape I was in yesterday.
43. I’ll have nice day for class today.
44. And nice session with other class too.
45. Principal kept saying how great I look – and looking at my face.
46. Now later in the morning, the school psychologist – on whom the principal relies greatly – was hanging around my area a lot. I wonder is she asked her to take a look. But I’m fine with it either way, and I’m grateful for all of that.
47. Practicing piano before school yesterday!
48. Offering to lend my very special copy of Secret Garden to some fifth graders I don’t know, when I overheard them asking for it at our school library and she thought there were no more copies.
49. I am grateful for exercise
50. And more steps in a day
51. And my clean house!
52. And my freedoms here. Hey, someday – someday far away, I could fall in love. And then I’ll “have to” make compromises. And I understand that. But right now, I don’t have to! I can play piano – loudly – at 4 am. I can watch sitcom reruns. I can eat veggies for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch, in front of the tv.
53. I can leave out a jigsaw puzzle in progress, or put up a dollhouse or turn the sofa backwards (I don’t do these things, but I could!) or paint a room black (which I would never do – I’m just brainstorming freedoms here) or sleep on the floor or have parties or watch chick-flick type tv. Or be silent. Or talk on the phone for long periods
54. Wow. What a deep breath I just took.
55. This is virtually the first time in like 28 years I’m not spending ginormous energy on worrying about J and me. Wow.
56. I am grateful for my hands and all that they do.
57. And how soft they are right now! This is new to me.
58. And that I’m planning to have paraffin and a massage in Febr.
59. And a vacation. Not away, but time off, in Feb.
60. And that my students are happy.
61. And quality furniture. I have mostly less expensive stuff, but I appreciate it.
62. And St (friend)
63. And saints. Really.
64. I forgot – not phobic, just forgot – to take out the garbage this am. Heard the truck and realized. And did not panic. I’ll do it Friday. There is so little anyway: )
65. And – and – last week, for the first time, I heard the recycling truck and did NOT run to the window to look. Sort of (sort of) assumed they’d just nonchalantly take it. Good.
66. Not spending any more time around bullies. I’m serious.
67. Indoor recess yesterday. I like it better. (
68. I’m afraid today we’ll be outside. But the kids will love that so I’m grateful on their behalf).
69. I’m nervous and tired about going to after-school meeting and then mother’s apartment and then nursing home by myself tonight. But grateful that she is in the shape that I can do it.
70. B seems to be adjusting better to my classroom now. She was really pissed about being moved.
71. KH. So nice to have her in M’s class now that she’s almost fully grown, helping out, and I taught her in gr. 3 and get to spend some time with her now and we love each other.
72. I am smiling. Right now. So grateful for that!
73. Piano in classroom
74. And piano at home
75. And O’s mother noticing how much better I’m getting when she saw me
76. And noticed right away no wedding ring
77. And when she heard I’m practicing
78. And how we are able to laugh together
79. Ex they were talking in Russian and I understood nothing except one word. So their talk sounded like this – I’M NOT MAKING FUN OF THE LANGUAGE I’M JUST EXPLAING : blah blah ushki rah rah schmanoff sex schmoos schmosshi sex rah ha yada yada sex ichof aninoff ushiov sex. That was the one English word in the story and it kept coming up. It was so funny.
80. Life
81. My life even. Wow.
82. Breath
83. Smiles
84. One of my students whose goal is to smile more.
85. A child who asked me yesterday, while lining up: “Do you think doctors are important?” “Yes.” “Lawyers?“ “Yes.” Thoughtful look thoughtful look: Me: “I think ALL jobs are important.” “Huh.” “Where would we be without garbage collectors? What would the world be like if no one planted flowers? How about no teachers? Or (touching the paper in her hand) if no one made paper? Or no one danced or sang for us? Or the people at the hospital who don’t get paid but do volunteer work, like the lady who massaged my hands with cream when I was sick in the hospital and it made me feel so nice… But I’m interested – what do YOU think?” Her, thoughtfully, with very serious 7-year-old face: “You’ve convinced me.”
86. Voice. I so vividly remember when I couldn’t speak for like 8 months. I’m so grateful that I can speak.
87. Experiences. Even the hard ones have added to some good things.
88. Vitamins
89. Hope
90. Trees!
91. Flowers.
92. My yellow tulips in the d.r. are opening up and so beautiful!
93. The fancy dinners I’ve had at K’s.
94. Nice people. With compassion.
95. Laughter
96. Jokes
97. Riddles for the kids
98. Great dvd yesterday on Chinese New Year
99. The little wind chimes in my classroom.
100. This is a little sad, but all the years I kept vacation things around in the classroom like the beach rock, the wind chimes, etc. I AM grateful for that.
1. My French lesson was yesterday!
2. It was fantastic!
3. I’m to have one a week. So excited.
4. And my teacher said, as everyone does, that my pronunciation and inflection is wonderful. Yay.
5. And I remembered more than either of us thought I would.
6. And then I said I’d like to read some “primer” books for practice and she told me which library to go to as that town has a large French population.
7. And it’s MA’s town!
8. I called, MA ran down in the rain to my car, and we went over.
9. Her friend of 35 years was the librarian yesterday, and they had a great talk.
10. And I have a bagful of books!
11. Plus there are many many more there.
12. And – I feel like my students. “Ooh, I can’t wait until someday I can read a chapter book,” like some feel in the beginning of second grade.
13. Plus – they met my teacher. That was cool for them.
14. And as always, when I am bring taught, it reminds me of MANY things that they might be feeling and makes me yet more sensitive to them.
15. Actually, my time and energy here are so limited, that I am glad she comes to school at lunchtime even though I get less than the full hour.
16. She was thrilled to have a student who is there for the love of it (not mother forcing kid to tutor because failing…)
17. ***And it all means I am doing something for myself! ***
18. I’m grateful that unlike yesterday, I was not up and active at 2:30 am today!
19. I’m grateful that I told my principal and her sort of assistant principal yesterday, about J not living here.
20. And that one held my held and one hugged me.
21. They were SO nice.
22. And I, as always, was honest. And said I am nice to the kids and they are learning, and I am professional with other adults, but I must be nervous because schedule-remembering (outside of class – meetings, courses, mother,…) is getting confused so I have to keep very careful lists.
23. So Ma is going to help me plan the zoo trip. (They said if you need help with anything, let us know).
24. AND – a luncheon yesterday conflicted with my lesson. Speaking of schedules). So principal said, make your way through, make a plate even though I know nothing will be vegan and there’ll be nothing you can eat, smile a lot, get out and go to your lesson. You can bring your teacher the plate! I’m so grateful.
25. I also told N. and she was wonderful.
26. I am finally ready for everyone at work to know. (Hopefully not students and parents, but professionals. But I can’t control that anyway).
27. Hey – in years and years, I could wind up with one of the widowed or divorced grandparents or something! : )
28. J. went to see my mother yesterday am and thinks she’ll stick it out for the next week. I am SO grateful.
29. And she did sound much better yesterday afternoon. PHEW
30. And – back to the French, I think during private reading today, I will read my primer French books – trying to decode and ascertain meaning – rather than engaging with a group or whatever – for the purpose of them seeing me do it. For their sake. Good.
31. And MA was proud of me.
32. And – and this is uncomfortable – MA said she’d love to come over (lives near school) and sit in. Was actually thinking about it. Afraid might interrupt too much… - well, I love her, but this is MINE and I’m grateful that I would be able to say that if it comes up. I think : )
33. And that I feel so good now without walking around school with the secret. Phew. So grateful to feel that way!
34. Woke up tired, heated coffee, poured it, and as sipping, opened e-mails from parents – all complimentary!
35. One reminding me how grateful she (mom – and one who’s known to be difficult) is that he has never been as happy as he is in my room. I honestly don’t know why, but this child smiles all day long. I’m so glad!
36. J. seems to notice that I’m happier and busy with nice things. *It is not my intent – I am doing these things for me! But it is nice that he seems to notice.
37. My. Life. Does. Not. Revolve. Around. Him. Now. Thank you, God, friends, therapists, programs, universe, self.
38. That I just thanked myself.
39. That I am not alone in cyber-space.
40. I have stomach hunger right now. Good. I shall go make some breakfast. For the right reason.
41. I am having a life without J living here!
42. That today I am not in the shape I was in yesterday.
43. I’ll have nice day for class today.
44. And nice session with other class too.
45. Principal kept saying how great I look – and looking at my face.
46. Now later in the morning, the school psychologist – on whom the principal relies greatly – was hanging around my area a lot. I wonder is she asked her to take a look. But I’m fine with it either way, and I’m grateful for all of that.
47. Practicing piano before school yesterday!
48. Offering to lend my very special copy of Secret Garden to some fifth graders I don’t know, when I overheard them asking for it at our school library and she thought there were no more copies.
49. I am grateful for exercise
50. And more steps in a day
51. And my clean house!
52. And my freedoms here. Hey, someday – someday far away, I could fall in love. And then I’ll “have to” make compromises. And I understand that. But right now, I don’t have to! I can play piano – loudly – at 4 am. I can watch sitcom reruns. I can eat veggies for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch, in front of the tv.
53. I can leave out a jigsaw puzzle in progress, or put up a dollhouse or turn the sofa backwards (I don’t do these things, but I could!) or paint a room black (which I would never do – I’m just brainstorming freedoms here) or sleep on the floor or have parties or watch chick-flick type tv. Or be silent. Or talk on the phone for long periods
54. Wow. What a deep breath I just took.
55. This is virtually the first time in like 28 years I’m not spending ginormous energy on worrying about J and me. Wow.
56. I am grateful for my hands and all that they do.
57. And how soft they are right now! This is new to me.
58. And that I’m planning to have paraffin and a massage in Febr.
59. And a vacation. Not away, but time off, in Feb.
60. And that my students are happy.
61. And quality furniture. I have mostly less expensive stuff, but I appreciate it.
62. And St (friend)
63. And saints. Really.
64. I forgot – not phobic, just forgot – to take out the garbage this am. Heard the truck and realized. And did not panic. I’ll do it Friday. There is so little anyway: )
65. And – and – last week, for the first time, I heard the recycling truck and did NOT run to the window to look. Sort of (sort of) assumed they’d just nonchalantly take it. Good.
66. Not spending any more time around bullies. I’m serious.
67. Indoor recess yesterday. I like it better. (
68. I’m afraid today we’ll be outside. But the kids will love that so I’m grateful on their behalf).
69. I’m nervous and tired about going to after-school meeting and then mother’s apartment and then nursing home by myself tonight. But grateful that she is in the shape that I can do it.
70. B seems to be adjusting better to my classroom now. She was really pissed about being moved.
71. KH. So nice to have her in M’s class now that she’s almost fully grown, helping out, and I taught her in gr. 3 and get to spend some time with her now and we love each other.
72. I am smiling. Right now. So grateful for that!
73. Piano in classroom
74. And piano at home
75. And O’s mother noticing how much better I’m getting when she saw me
76. And noticed right away no wedding ring
77. And when she heard I’m practicing
78. And how we are able to laugh together
79. Ex they were talking in Russian and I understood nothing except one word. So their talk sounded like this – I’M NOT MAKING FUN OF THE LANGUAGE I’M JUST EXPLAING : blah blah ushki rah rah schmanoff sex schmoos schmosshi sex rah ha yada yada sex ichof aninoff ushiov sex. That was the one English word in the story and it kept coming up. It was so funny.
80. Life
81. My life even. Wow.
82. Breath
83. Smiles
84. One of my students whose goal is to smile more.
85. A child who asked me yesterday, while lining up: “Do you think doctors are important?” “Yes.” “Lawyers?“ “Yes.” Thoughtful look thoughtful look: Me: “I think ALL jobs are important.” “Huh.” “Where would we be without garbage collectors? What would the world be like if no one planted flowers? How about no teachers? Or (touching the paper in her hand) if no one made paper? Or no one danced or sang for us? Or the people at the hospital who don’t get paid but do volunteer work, like the lady who massaged my hands with cream when I was sick in the hospital and it made me feel so nice… But I’m interested – what do YOU think?” Her, thoughtfully, with very serious 7-year-old face: “You’ve convinced me.”
86. Voice. I so vividly remember when I couldn’t speak for like 8 months. I’m so grateful that I can speak.
87. Experiences. Even the hard ones have added to some good things.
88. Vitamins
89. Hope
90. Trees!
91. Flowers.
92. My yellow tulips in the d.r. are opening up and so beautiful!
93. The fancy dinners I’ve had at K’s.
94. Nice people. With compassion.
95. Laughter
96. Jokes
97. Riddles for the kids
98. Great dvd yesterday on Chinese New Year
99. The little wind chimes in my classroom.
100. This is a little sad, but all the years I kept vacation things around in the classroom like the beach rock, the wind chimes, etc. I AM grateful for that.
Good Thing
My French lesson yesterday!
Lots about it in gratitudes.
Plus -
I am doing it.
For me.
By me.
Paid for by my hard work.
Enjoying it.
It will give me something FUN to do in the lonely times. IF there even are any lol!
I am learning something.
Something I've always loved.
I like my teacher.
She is happy to have me.
It is not about him.
I'm enjoying!!!
Lots about it in gratitudes.
Plus -
I am doing it.
For me.
By me.
Paid for by my hard work.
Enjoying it.
It will give me something FUN to do in the lonely times. IF there even are any lol!
I am learning something.
Something I've always loved.
I like my teacher.
She is happy to have me.
It is not about him.
I'm enjoying!!!
Monday, January 23, 2012
CoDA Morning Work Today
I woke up - really really really early -
did readings and grats and a little e-mail (that part was a mistake)
and had coffee and I feel:
Useful, open, calm, empowered, grateful, safe, sane, healthy, loving, inspired, awed, forgiving, forgiven, sacred, better divine, blessed, trusting, recharged, kind of delighted, kind of worthy
and
Powerless, willing and humble
and
Jittery, a little nervous, a bit dejected and excluded, swamped, in some ways distrustful, betrayed
I think it is because:
First stuff: I am so lucky in a million ways. And getting better all the time. I have God and friends, life and breath. And my new therapist (the temporary one) situation helps me feel recharged.
Middle stuff: food and eating
Third stuff: jittery - about telling work today, and coffee does that a bit too. The dejected and excluded stuff is from O after concert. But it's not really real. Swamped at work. Distrustful of future men because of what J did. Betrayed by J because he used me. I know he didn't mean to, but it affects my trust.
I acted out codependently:
with Mer? - getting too close? - staying in last night over mother stuff? -
Next time I think I'll do differently:
*Pray on it! : )
Five Good Things about Me:
Oh boy. I thought this would be easier today.
Um.
1. I have nice feet.
2. I play some piano.
3. I try.
4. I am loyal.
5. I am trustworthy.
The end. Yay.
did readings and grats and a little e-mail (that part was a mistake)
and had coffee and I feel:
Useful, open, calm, empowered, grateful, safe, sane, healthy, loving, inspired, awed, forgiving, forgiven, sacred, better divine, blessed, trusting, recharged, kind of delighted, kind of worthy
and
Powerless, willing and humble
and
Jittery, a little nervous, a bit dejected and excluded, swamped, in some ways distrustful, betrayed
I think it is because:
First stuff: I am so lucky in a million ways. And getting better all the time. I have God and friends, life and breath. And my new therapist (the temporary one) situation helps me feel recharged.
Middle stuff: food and eating
Third stuff: jittery - about telling work today, and coffee does that a bit too. The dejected and excluded stuff is from O after concert. But it's not really real. Swamped at work. Distrustful of future men because of what J did. Betrayed by J because he used me. I know he didn't mean to, but it affects my trust.
I acted out codependently:
with Mer? - getting too close? - staying in last night over mother stuff? -
Next time I think I'll do differently:
*Pray on it! : )
Five Good Things about Me:
Oh boy. I thought this would be easier today.
Um.
1. I have nice feet.
2. I play some piano.
3. I try.
4. I am loyal.
5. I am trustworthy.
The end. Yay.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. That J. helped convince my mother to stay there for the physical help, which she really needs. She was determined again to leave.
2. I’m grateful he’s still involved. She never did hear anyone the way she hears J.
3. That I helped out yesterday
4. The little kids in their finery, excited to play piano.
5. Thinking about whether I can really do it – play at a concert.
6. Some sleep. Not enough, but I’m so glad I got some.
7. I can go to bed very early tonight if I need to.
8. French lesson today!
9. My shower yesterday felt and smelled especially good.
10. My hair too.
11. Humor
12. Hope
13. My new therapist.
14. Books
15. Bookshelves
16. That last night, when it was freezing out, I was safe and warm in my little house.
17. And was aware of it and grateful for it in the moment.
18. I’ll see doggie next week.
19. Regular therapist appointment Wed
20. 3rd out of 5 with specialist one Fri
21. Support
22. Friends who do love me.
23. J in my life
24. Exercise. I’m looking forward to the particular exercise for this week.
25. My kids and M’s. I love working with them in these creative ways.
26. And their happiness with the “rap.”
27. My skin
28. My soft hands
29. Windows
30. That I am mobile and can get out every day.
31. That I am improving my health.
32. That I am starting to see the connection between my actions and my health.
33. That I made it to the meeting yesterday.
34. That I’ve e-mailed M
35. And she might call when she gets up
36. I need some support because I’m planning to tell principal today. And I am grateful because I think I will get some support.
37. That M gave a quick call yesterday to tell me she was all right. There was reason for me to be concerned…
38. I will plan next weekend more carefully so I can get to the CoDA meeting as well.
39. I must remember – daily – regular. Not marathons and shut-downs. I’m grateful for that thought.
40. And for the thought that good enough is good enough.
41. I forget where I was, but recently – and the teacher was just using standard books – and I didn’t think any less of him. I want to stop thinking *everything * I do must be special. Grateful that they do need a lot of basics
42. Entertainers.
43. My standing up for myself when I can.
44. Last year, when I read this For Today for this date, I wrote, “I wish,” at the bottom. Now, I believe it. Thank God. Yesterday and this morning, I feel less enthusiastic, and seeing that and knowing the difference helps me.
45. That today’s readings are helping me calm down (I’m going back and forth grats-readings).
46. You. You, if you are reading this, thank you so much!
47. That I did stay home last night. Because my needy-again mom did call. So I guess I’m grateful I was here. I do NOT want to keep losing MY life to her! But then again, her situation is so desperate now…
48. That I think I will find a compromise/better way about all that. For me.
49. I just love these words from today’s Voices of Recovery: “What do I need from my Higher Power? First, I need His protection from the food. I have no other defense against it. Second, I ask for specific, daily direction in my life. I may have to wait an hour, a day, maybe even a week, but I get the direction I seek if I stand still and listen. If I receive no direction, I discover later that my Higher Power needed me to stand still either to protect me from going in the wrong direction or to keep me out of the way so things could unfold according to His greater plans.”
50. That last year, when I read: “Thank you, God, for taking away my obsessions and fears and for directing my life in alignment with Your greater plan.” I wrote “Wow I’d love that.” And now, I am believing it more.
51. That, although it is stressful and exhausting, and the country seems to be blaming teachers now for all its ills – like we caused the stock market breakdown (uh, no – we don’t make enough to invest or not!) – I am grateful I have my job to go to. For my emotions. Today.
52. That now that everything is on the line, and believe me I wish it weren’t, I’m learning the lesson J tried to teach me years ago. And that all religions and wise people try to teach, and people on their deathbeds too: Stop worrying!
53. While I do wish I had seen these words a year – or 15 – ago, I am grateful to see them today: “"In This Moment, my heart is open.
The deep despair of this deafening quiet opens my heart to ask God, 'Speak to me, please. What is it you want? Why is it so hard? What would you have me do in this moment right now? I feel lost. My relationship is trouble. Am I the aggressor? If so, I ask to have that character defect removed.'
I work my program. I speak with an open heart. I ask with an open mind. I turn to my Higher Power. I seek guidance. I breathe. In the quiet, my Higher Power answers.”
54. And I really really needed to read this today! “We cannot base our expectations about how we will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how we feel at this moment.”
55. Reading this this morning: “Reflect on the beginning of your recovery. Haven't there been many changes that have brought you to where you are now? Reflect on one year ago. Haven't you and your circumstances changed since then?” Yes!
56. And this: “Know that the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you shall feel or when you shall feel differently. Instead, trust. Accept today, but do not be limited by it.”
57. And this: “A new energy is coming. A new feeling is on the way. We cannot predict how it will be by looking at how it was or how it is, because it shall be entirely different. We have not worked and struggled in vain. It has been for and toward something.”
58. The concept of trust.
59. Hope for my mother. I want so for her to have *quality * of life.
60. My e-mail answer from Kairava.
61. And her idea that intuitive reiki is so wonderful. (I don’t know if she feels that for beginners or not, but I am level 2).
62. The spiritual strength/power I feel through my hands.
63. That I have shared it with/for others.
64. That I have physical energy so far today.
65. My life
66. And that I finally want/love/appreciate it.
67. I expect some fun today (even besides French course!)
68. My breath
69. My heart
70. My lungs
71. My kidneys
72. My liver. So many good organs.
73. My eyesight. So grateful for that.
74. And that I can speak.
75. My oak tree.
76. My goodness.
77. My Buddhist name that they gave me: True Compassion of the Heart.
78. Nice hair.
79. Clean clothes.
80. Healthy food available and cooked and frozen. Phew.
81. Water. Always grateful for access to clean, fresh water.
82. Choices
83. Freedom
84. Citizenship.
85. That I can choose to make this day a good day. (Like Abe Lincoln and so many others said.)
86. Every single place, including my own street, where there is no war.
87. Every massage I’ve ever had.
88. All the luxuries I have taken for granted.
89. Bananas.
90. OA
91. CoDA
92. This blog
93. My blood
94. Ability to walk
95. Ability to exercise.
96. My problems are really the problems of the “worried well.”
97. People who are happy. I am grateful on their behalf.
98. The times D is nice.
99. Cousins when they love me.
100. My pretty breasts.
101. Jo, at work. She has been so good to me.
102. K, at work. They are both helpful.
1. That J. helped convince my mother to stay there for the physical help, which she really needs. She was determined again to leave.
2. I’m grateful he’s still involved. She never did hear anyone the way she hears J.
3. That I helped out yesterday
4. The little kids in their finery, excited to play piano.
5. Thinking about whether I can really do it – play at a concert.
6. Some sleep. Not enough, but I’m so glad I got some.
7. I can go to bed very early tonight if I need to.
8. French lesson today!
9. My shower yesterday felt and smelled especially good.
10. My hair too.
11. Humor
12. Hope
13. My new therapist.
14. Books
15. Bookshelves
16. That last night, when it was freezing out, I was safe and warm in my little house.
17. And was aware of it and grateful for it in the moment.
18. I’ll see doggie next week.
19. Regular therapist appointment Wed
20. 3rd out of 5 with specialist one Fri
21. Support
22. Friends who do love me.
23. J in my life
24. Exercise. I’m looking forward to the particular exercise for this week.
25. My kids and M’s. I love working with them in these creative ways.
26. And their happiness with the “rap.”
27. My skin
28. My soft hands
29. Windows
30. That I am mobile and can get out every day.
31. That I am improving my health.
32. That I am starting to see the connection between my actions and my health.
33. That I made it to the meeting yesterday.
34. That I’ve e-mailed M
35. And she might call when she gets up
36. I need some support because I’m planning to tell principal today. And I am grateful because I think I will get some support.
37. That M gave a quick call yesterday to tell me she was all right. There was reason for me to be concerned…
38. I will plan next weekend more carefully so I can get to the CoDA meeting as well.
39. I must remember – daily – regular. Not marathons and shut-downs. I’m grateful for that thought.
40. And for the thought that good enough is good enough.
41. I forget where I was, but recently – and the teacher was just using standard books – and I didn’t think any less of him. I want to stop thinking *everything * I do must be special. Grateful that they do need a lot of basics
42. Entertainers.
43. My standing up for myself when I can.
44. Last year, when I read this For Today for this date, I wrote, “I wish,” at the bottom. Now, I believe it. Thank God. Yesterday and this morning, I feel less enthusiastic, and seeing that and knowing the difference helps me.
45. That today’s readings are helping me calm down (I’m going back and forth grats-readings).
46. You. You, if you are reading this, thank you so much!
47. That I did stay home last night. Because my needy-again mom did call. So I guess I’m grateful I was here. I do NOT want to keep losing MY life to her! But then again, her situation is so desperate now…
48. That I think I will find a compromise/better way about all that. For me.
49. I just love these words from today’s Voices of Recovery: “What do I need from my Higher Power? First, I need His protection from the food. I have no other defense against it. Second, I ask for specific, daily direction in my life. I may have to wait an hour, a day, maybe even a week, but I get the direction I seek if I stand still and listen. If I receive no direction, I discover later that my Higher Power needed me to stand still either to protect me from going in the wrong direction or to keep me out of the way so things could unfold according to His greater plans.”
50. That last year, when I read: “Thank you, God, for taking away my obsessions and fears and for directing my life in alignment with Your greater plan.” I wrote “Wow I’d love that.” And now, I am believing it more.
51. That, although it is stressful and exhausting, and the country seems to be blaming teachers now for all its ills – like we caused the stock market breakdown (uh, no – we don’t make enough to invest or not!) – I am grateful I have my job to go to. For my emotions. Today.
52. That now that everything is on the line, and believe me I wish it weren’t, I’m learning the lesson J tried to teach me years ago. And that all religions and wise people try to teach, and people on their deathbeds too: Stop worrying!
53. While I do wish I had seen these words a year – or 15 – ago, I am grateful to see them today: “"In This Moment, my heart is open.
The deep despair of this deafening quiet opens my heart to ask God, 'Speak to me, please. What is it you want? Why is it so hard? What would you have me do in this moment right now? I feel lost. My relationship is trouble. Am I the aggressor? If so, I ask to have that character defect removed.'
I work my program. I speak with an open heart. I ask with an open mind. I turn to my Higher Power. I seek guidance. I breathe. In the quiet, my Higher Power answers.”
54. And I really really needed to read this today! “We cannot base our expectations about how we will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how we feel at this moment.”
55. Reading this this morning: “Reflect on the beginning of your recovery. Haven't there been many changes that have brought you to where you are now? Reflect on one year ago. Haven't you and your circumstances changed since then?” Yes!
56. And this: “Know that the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you shall feel or when you shall feel differently. Instead, trust. Accept today, but do not be limited by it.”
57. And this: “A new energy is coming. A new feeling is on the way. We cannot predict how it will be by looking at how it was or how it is, because it shall be entirely different. We have not worked and struggled in vain. It has been for and toward something.”
58. The concept of trust.
59. Hope for my mother. I want so for her to have *quality * of life.
60. My e-mail answer from Kairava.
61. And her idea that intuitive reiki is so wonderful. (I don’t know if she feels that for beginners or not, but I am level 2).
62. The spiritual strength/power I feel through my hands.
63. That I have shared it with/for others.
64. That I have physical energy so far today.
65. My life
66. And that I finally want/love/appreciate it.
67. I expect some fun today (even besides French course!)
68. My breath
69. My heart
70. My lungs
71. My kidneys
72. My liver. So many good organs.
73. My eyesight. So grateful for that.
74. And that I can speak.
75. My oak tree.
76. My goodness.
77. My Buddhist name that they gave me: True Compassion of the Heart.
78. Nice hair.
79. Clean clothes.
80. Healthy food available and cooked and frozen. Phew.
81. Water. Always grateful for access to clean, fresh water.
82. Choices
83. Freedom
84. Citizenship.
85. That I can choose to make this day a good day. (Like Abe Lincoln and so many others said.)
86. Every single place, including my own street, where there is no war.
87. Every massage I’ve ever had.
88. All the luxuries I have taken for granted.
89. Bananas.
90. OA
91. CoDA
92. This blog
93. My blood
94. Ability to walk
95. Ability to exercise.
96. My problems are really the problems of the “worried well.”
97. People who are happy. I am grateful on their behalf.
98. The times D is nice.
99. Cousins when they love me.
100. My pretty breasts.
101. Jo, at work. She has been so good to me.
102. K, at work. They are both helpful.
Readings
Today's For Today:
"The individual never asserts himself more than when he forgets himself." Andre Gide
"Before I found OA, my theme song was I, I, I, played to the tune of me, me, me. Not knowing what I really needed, I had to have what I waned when I wanted it. With the twelve steps of recovery, I have stepped out of myself. The miracle of abstinence is greater than I am. Spirituality is the nurturing part of me, and as I practice the principles of the program, it becomes stronger, pushing away self-destructive motives. My life becomes spiritually centered instead of self-centered.
Like abstinence, the results I most ardently desire usually come about when I forget I'm supposed to be in charge.
For today: I do the tasks that are before me with a light heart and an incomparable sense of freedom, knowing that control of my life is in God's hands, not mine."
--
Today's Voices of Recovery:
"We become willing to start fresh with our Higher Power . . . asking ourselves what, exactly, we needed to wanted God to be to us and do for us." OA 12 & 12 p. 16
"What do I need from my Higher Power? First, I need His protection from the food. I have no other defense against it. Second, I ask for specific, daily direction in my life. I may have to wait an hour, a day, maybe even a week, but I get the direction I seek if I stand still and listen. If I receive no direction, I discover later that my Higher Power needed me to stand still either to protect me from going in the wrong direction or to keep me out of the way so things could unfold according to His greater plans.
I feel comforted to know that He will protect me, even from myself, and that He protects us all and wants what is best for us. My Higher Power knows what is best for me, and turning the direction of my life over to Him gives me the freedom and the serenity that are the cornerstones of my program.
Thank you, God, for taking away my obsessions and fears and for directing my life in alignment with Your greater plan.
--
Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, my heart is open.
The deep despair of this deafening quiet opens my heart to ask God, 'Speak to me, please. What is it you want? Why is it so hard? What would you have me do in this moment right now? I feel lost. My relationship is trouble. Am I the aggressor? If so, I ask to have that character defect removed.'
I work my program. I speak with an open heart. I ask with an open mind. I turn to my Higher Power. I seek guidance. I breathe. In the quiet, my Higher Power answers.
--
Today's The Language of Letting Go:
"New Energy Coming"
"Fun becomes fun, love becomes love, life becomes worth living. And we become grateful." Beyond Codependency
"There is a new energy, a new feeling coming into our life. We cannot base our expectations about how we will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how we feel at this moment.
There are no two moments in time alike. We are recovering. We are changing. our life is changing. At times, things haven't worked out the way we wanted. We had lessons to learn. The future shall not be like the past.
The truly difficult times are almost over. The confusion, the most challenging learning experiences, the difficult feelings are about to pass.
Do not limit the future by the past!
Reflect on the beginning of your recovery. Haven't there been many changes that have brought you to where you are now? Reflect on one year ago. Haven't you and your circumstances changed since then?
Sometimes, problems and feelings linger for a while. These times are temporary. Times of confusion, uncertainly, times of living with a particular unsolved problem do not last forever.
We make these times doubly hard by comparing them to our past. Each situation and circumstance has had its particular influence in shaping who we are. We do not have to scare ourselves by comparing our present and future to a painful past, especially our past before we began recovering or before we learned through a particular experience.
Know that the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you shall feel or when you shall feel differently. Instead, trust. Accept today, but do not be limited by it.
A new energy is coming. A new feeling is on the way. We cannot predict how it will be by looking at how it was or how it is, because it shall be entirely different. We have not worked and struggled in vain. It has been for and toward something.
Times are changing for the better. Continue on the path of trust and obedience. be open to the new.
Today, God, help me not judge or limit my future by my past. Help me be open to all the exciting possibilities for change, both within and around me.
==
"The individual never asserts himself more than when he forgets himself." Andre Gide
"Before I found OA, my theme song was I, I, I, played to the tune of me, me, me. Not knowing what I really needed, I had to have what I waned when I wanted it. With the twelve steps of recovery, I have stepped out of myself. The miracle of abstinence is greater than I am. Spirituality is the nurturing part of me, and as I practice the principles of the program, it becomes stronger, pushing away self-destructive motives. My life becomes spiritually centered instead of self-centered.
Like abstinence, the results I most ardently desire usually come about when I forget I'm supposed to be in charge.
For today: I do the tasks that are before me with a light heart and an incomparable sense of freedom, knowing that control of my life is in God's hands, not mine."
--
Today's Voices of Recovery:
"We become willing to start fresh with our Higher Power . . . asking ourselves what, exactly, we needed to wanted God to be to us and do for us." OA 12 & 12 p. 16
"What do I need from my Higher Power? First, I need His protection from the food. I have no other defense against it. Second, I ask for specific, daily direction in my life. I may have to wait an hour, a day, maybe even a week, but I get the direction I seek if I stand still and listen. If I receive no direction, I discover later that my Higher Power needed me to stand still either to protect me from going in the wrong direction or to keep me out of the way so things could unfold according to His greater plans.
I feel comforted to know that He will protect me, even from myself, and that He protects us all and wants what is best for us. My Higher Power knows what is best for me, and turning the direction of my life over to Him gives me the freedom and the serenity that are the cornerstones of my program.
Thank you, God, for taking away my obsessions and fears and for directing my life in alignment with Your greater plan.
--
Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, my heart is open.
The deep despair of this deafening quiet opens my heart to ask God, 'Speak to me, please. What is it you want? Why is it so hard? What would you have me do in this moment right now? I feel lost. My relationship is trouble. Am I the aggressor? If so, I ask to have that character defect removed.'
I work my program. I speak with an open heart. I ask with an open mind. I turn to my Higher Power. I seek guidance. I breathe. In the quiet, my Higher Power answers.
--
Today's The Language of Letting Go:
"New Energy Coming"
"Fun becomes fun, love becomes love, life becomes worth living. And we become grateful." Beyond Codependency
"There is a new energy, a new feeling coming into our life. We cannot base our expectations about how we will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how we feel at this moment.
There are no two moments in time alike. We are recovering. We are changing. our life is changing. At times, things haven't worked out the way we wanted. We had lessons to learn. The future shall not be like the past.
The truly difficult times are almost over. The confusion, the most challenging learning experiences, the difficult feelings are about to pass.
Do not limit the future by the past!
Reflect on the beginning of your recovery. Haven't there been many changes that have brought you to where you are now? Reflect on one year ago. Haven't you and your circumstances changed since then?
Sometimes, problems and feelings linger for a while. These times are temporary. Times of confusion, uncertainly, times of living with a particular unsolved problem do not last forever.
We make these times doubly hard by comparing them to our past. Each situation and circumstance has had its particular influence in shaping who we are. We do not have to scare ourselves by comparing our present and future to a painful past, especially our past before we began recovering or before we learned through a particular experience.
Know that the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you shall feel or when you shall feel differently. Instead, trust. Accept today, but do not be limited by it.
A new energy is coming. A new feeling is on the way. We cannot predict how it will be by looking at how it was or how it is, because it shall be entirely different. We have not worked and struggled in vain. It has been for and toward something.
Times are changing for the better. Continue on the path of trust and obedience. be open to the new.
Today, God, help me not judge or limit my future by my past. Help me be open to all the exciting possibilities for change, both within and around me.
==
Dear God
Dear God,
A.C.T.S.
Adoration. Contrition. Thanksgiving. Supplication.
I praise you, my Creator.
I am sorry for all the time I've wasted not being all that You made me to be.
I am grateful for the lessons.
Please give me an abstinent day today. I know that although I am working Step Eight, I must still sort of rework Step One, and really One, Two and Three, every day.
In the shortcut:
I can't.
God can.
Let God.
Thank you, Father.
Amen.
--
Addendum
And please help my mommy today.
Thank you. Amen.
A.C.T.S.
Adoration. Contrition. Thanksgiving. Supplication.
I praise you, my Creator.
I am sorry for all the time I've wasted not being all that You made me to be.
I am grateful for the lessons.
Please give me an abstinent day today. I know that although I am working Step Eight, I must still sort of rework Step One, and really One, Two and Three, every day.
In the shortcut:
I can't.
God can.
Let God.
Thank you, Father.
Amen.
--
Addendum
And please help my mommy today.
Thank you. Amen.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Affirmations
I'm glad he is gone!
What a relief!
He was a pain in my ass!
I am a happy single woman!
I am healthy!
I am free!
The future is mine!
The universe takes perfect care of me!
What a relief!
He was a pain in my ass!
I am a happy single woman!
I am healthy!
I am free!
The future is mine!
The universe takes perfect care of me!
CoDA
I woke up, made coffee, started the soup, did one e-mail and other stuff here and I feel:
Renewed
Strong
Piano-excited
French-excited
Marriage depressed a bit
Happy house is in order
Proud that laundry is done
And I'll have plenty of healthy foods here
And believe I can spend less next week
Very grateful for the two massages I've had in the past weeks
Nervous about health, weight, and future
5 good things about me:
I do for my mother
I am loyal
I never break a confidence
I understand what I read quickly
I am beginning to accept myself more
Renewed
Strong
Piano-excited
French-excited
Marriage depressed a bit
Happy house is in order
Proud that laundry is done
And I'll have plenty of healthy foods here
And believe I can spend less next week
Very grateful for the two massages I've had in the past weeks
Nervous about health, weight, and future
5 good things about me:
I do for my mother
I am loyal
I never break a confidence
I understand what I read quickly
I am beginning to accept myself more
Grats
I am grateful:
1. It is still 1/21. Bright yellow tulips in my d.r. right now
2. Bright colored mixed flowers in my l.r. right now
3. And both were really cheap (like 3 or 4 dollars)
4. They are really cheering up the place!
5. And *I * am really cheering up the place!
6. And if it weren’t for the really dark floors, which I didn’t want, I might not have had the incentive to brighten it. So everything has worked out!
7. Reiki. And that although it is against integrity and against Reiki to EVER give it to a child without the PARENT’S consent, and against integrity to EVER give it to any adult without their own consent, we ARE allowed to give it to the world at large, like in situations like earthquakes, the cruise ship that just went down… etc.
8. I just wrote to Kairava about reiki.
9. Maybe I can get a level two refresher.
10. And maybe Mer can take reiki once *from * Kairava. That will be so wonderful.
11. I just took a great, full-of-bubbles bath. No tea, candles, magazines. Not needed. Great.
12. And I smell and feel so good.
13. And this is cheap bubble bath from the drugstore, no less!
14. Now it’s Sunday. They did come and do the snow.
15. And I gave Ch coffee.
16. And he said they will always do it. Phew.
17. And the price was great. Double phew. Whole sidewalk, car and needed part of driveway, stairs and back by sunroom for very little more than guy knocking on door wanted just for car.
18. And they’re insured, bonded,… What a great relief!
19. And now I’m up and cooking for my mother because she’s not eating their food, not most of it “It’s terrible.” Oy.
20. Big pot of soup on for her right now.
21. Started telling M. yesterday about my new therapy.
22. More today (her kids needed her).
23. Practiced piano for two hours!
24. Fresh coffee this morning. Yum. And hot hot hot.
25. Meditative reminders
26. Gonna find a way to calm those kids this week.
27. Gently, lovingly, still with plenty of fun, but for their own sake.
28. That in the two daily meditation books I’m reading for the second time, I am seeing more.
29. I expect that will happen the third time too….
30. And later with the two I’m reading for the first time.
31. I am seriously grateful for herbs and spices. Rosemary
32. Sage
33. Oregano
34. Parsley
35. Hot pep
36. Black pep
37. Garlic
38. Thyme
39. Dill
40. Curry powder
41. Paprika
42. Saffron
43. Chili powder
44. Cumin
45. Coriander
46. Turmeric
47. That little red one that’s really hot. I can’t think of what it’s called right now.
48. Onion powder
49. And for basic everyday healthy things. Like onions
50. Carrots
51. Garlic
52. Spinach
53. Green beans
54. Collards
55. Broccoli
56. Cauliflower
57. Peppers
58. Celery
59. Salad
60. Brown rice
61. Bulgur
62. Whole wheat couscous
63. Whole-grain Barilla linguini
64. Beans
65. And how lucky I am to consider them “basic, everyday healthy things.”
66. That I just thanked God for my waking up today. I am so so so grateful to appreciate my life. There are not words for it. I never did before. THIS is a MIRACLE.
67. Today’s In This Moment.
68. All of today’s readings, really. In a way.
69. That I feel okay today. Emotionally. Somehow. So grateful for that.
70. That I’m not fatigued like 2 weeks ago. So grateful for that.
71. That I shall see people today.
72. And did yesterday. When Ch came for the snow, and I gave him coffee, it made me feel so much less alone.
73. And he wants us to get together (with his wife, who is my friend : )
74. God, I hate doing this work sometimes. But I’m SO glad I do it nonetheless.
75. That I just finished today’s readings.
76. That the soup, although there had to be a couple of substitutions, smells fine.
77. My nose. I remember when it needed two kinds of internal surgeries. And it works now.
78. Eyesight. Always so grateful for that.
79. My two books which I will find time for reading more today.
80. And piano practice today too.
81. And the recital I’m helping O with
82. And visiting my mom today
83. And chilling out tonight.
84. Kiddies tomorrow. Grateful for them, the little innocent, loving souls.
85. Doggie next weekend! I miss her so. Can’t wait.
86. French lessons start tomorrow!!!
87. K
88. That I’m starting to take such better care of myself.
89. This blog
90. Other people’s blogs too.
91. Poetry
92. That I can quote some Shakespeare
93. That the fairy tale/song unit I’ve been doing has openly changed two kids’ lives, from the other class.
94. That I have energy today.
95. That I can breathe on my own. I am very grateful for that.
96. And speak
97. And walk
98. And think
99. And grow
100. And continue losing weight.
101. Support of people here.
1. It is still 1/21. Bright yellow tulips in my d.r. right now
2. Bright colored mixed flowers in my l.r. right now
3. And both were really cheap (like 3 or 4 dollars)
4. They are really cheering up the place!
5. And *I * am really cheering up the place!
6. And if it weren’t for the really dark floors, which I didn’t want, I might not have had the incentive to brighten it. So everything has worked out!
7. Reiki. And that although it is against integrity and against Reiki to EVER give it to a child without the PARENT’S consent, and against integrity to EVER give it to any adult without their own consent, we ARE allowed to give it to the world at large, like in situations like earthquakes, the cruise ship that just went down… etc.
8. I just wrote to Kairava about reiki.
9. Maybe I can get a level two refresher.
10. And maybe Mer can take reiki once *from * Kairava. That will be so wonderful.
11. I just took a great, full-of-bubbles bath. No tea, candles, magazines. Not needed. Great.
12. And I smell and feel so good.
13. And this is cheap bubble bath from the drugstore, no less!
14. Now it’s Sunday. They did come and do the snow.
15. And I gave Ch coffee.
16. And he said they will always do it. Phew.
17. And the price was great. Double phew. Whole sidewalk, car and needed part of driveway, stairs and back by sunroom for very little more than guy knocking on door wanted just for car.
18. And they’re insured, bonded,… What a great relief!
19. And now I’m up and cooking for my mother because she’s not eating their food, not most of it “It’s terrible.” Oy.
20. Big pot of soup on for her right now.
21. Started telling M. yesterday about my new therapy.
22. More today (her kids needed her).
23. Practiced piano for two hours!
24. Fresh coffee this morning. Yum. And hot hot hot.
25. Meditative reminders
26. Gonna find a way to calm those kids this week.
27. Gently, lovingly, still with plenty of fun, but for their own sake.
28. That in the two daily meditation books I’m reading for the second time, I am seeing more.
29. I expect that will happen the third time too….
30. And later with the two I’m reading for the first time.
31. I am seriously grateful for herbs and spices. Rosemary
32. Sage
33. Oregano
34. Parsley
35. Hot pep
36. Black pep
37. Garlic
38. Thyme
39. Dill
40. Curry powder
41. Paprika
42. Saffron
43. Chili powder
44. Cumin
45. Coriander
46. Turmeric
47. That little red one that’s really hot. I can’t think of what it’s called right now.
48. Onion powder
49. And for basic everyday healthy things. Like onions
50. Carrots
51. Garlic
52. Spinach
53. Green beans
54. Collards
55. Broccoli
56. Cauliflower
57. Peppers
58. Celery
59. Salad
60. Brown rice
61. Bulgur
62. Whole wheat couscous
63. Whole-grain Barilla linguini
64. Beans
65. And how lucky I am to consider them “basic, everyday healthy things.”
66. That I just thanked God for my waking up today. I am so so so grateful to appreciate my life. There are not words for it. I never did before. THIS is a MIRACLE.
67. Today’s In This Moment.
68. All of today’s readings, really. In a way.
69. That I feel okay today. Emotionally. Somehow. So grateful for that.
70. That I’m not fatigued like 2 weeks ago. So grateful for that.
71. That I shall see people today.
72. And did yesterday. When Ch came for the snow, and I gave him coffee, it made me feel so much less alone.
73. And he wants us to get together (with his wife, who is my friend : )
74. God, I hate doing this work sometimes. But I’m SO glad I do it nonetheless.
75. That I just finished today’s readings.
76. That the soup, although there had to be a couple of substitutions, smells fine.
77. My nose. I remember when it needed two kinds of internal surgeries. And it works now.
78. Eyesight. Always so grateful for that.
79. My two books which I will find time for reading more today.
80. And piano practice today too.
81. And the recital I’m helping O with
82. And visiting my mom today
83. And chilling out tonight.
84. Kiddies tomorrow. Grateful for them, the little innocent, loving souls.
85. Doggie next weekend! I miss her so. Can’t wait.
86. French lessons start tomorrow!!!
87. K
88. That I’m starting to take such better care of myself.
89. This blog
90. Other people’s blogs too.
91. Poetry
92. That I can quote some Shakespeare
93. That the fairy tale/song unit I’ve been doing has openly changed two kids’ lives, from the other class.
94. That I have energy today.
95. That I can breathe on my own. I am very grateful for that.
96. And speak
97. And walk
98. And think
99. And grow
100. And continue losing weight.
101. Support of people here.
Readings
Today's For Today:
"Nowhere can a man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul." Marcus Aurelius
"Am I too caught up in external priorities - achievements and acquisitions that have nothing to do with my spiritual wellbeing? A good antidote is to take time each day to free my mind of such concerns, let my thoughts wander, perhaps into thankfulness for my new life, into awareness of myself as a being created by God, in exploration of ways I can be useful to another person.
My innermost being is a retreat where I can reach out to my Higher Power, renew my spirit and nourish my life.
For today: I need no formal knowledge to pray and meditate, just a conscious effort to open myself to whatever comes.
--
Today's Voices of Recovery
"By trying to control others through manipulation and direct force, we had hurt loved ones. When we tried to control ourselves, we wound up demoralized. Even when we succeeded, it wasn't enough to make us happy." OA 12 & 12 p. 5
"When eating compulsively, I focused on other people's problems. It took the focus off me and created a false sense of power. People couldn't manage their lives without me. 'Fixing' other people gave me a false sense of security, much as the huge amount of food seemed to blur all my fears. I believed that this power made people admire, respect, and appreciate me. however, I did not admire, respect, or appreciate myself. The insanity was in trying to play God for everyone else, then bowing to the god of compulsive overeating when I was alone.
Today, neither food nor control keeps the fears away.
For today, I choose not to do for others what they can do for themselves. I seek God's will, make sure my affairs are in order, and turn the outcome of my life and others' lives over to my Higher Power.
--
Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I have a loving guide.
There are countless positive paths within the Steps. The one I cherish is the Third Step, which gives me the freedom to choose a God of my understanding. For the first time in my life, I feel free to choose. My codependence keeps me stuck and fearful of making choices. Steps One and Two give me the gift of hope that there is a way out of my misery and the courage to accept the freedom offered in the Third Step. Now, I know that my freely chosen Higher Power guides me lovingly in every life choice.
--
Today's The Language of Letting Go:
"Appreciating Our Past
It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.
The relationships we entered, stayed in , or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.
Our mistakes? Necessary. our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? necessary too.
Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed."
[I can't help thinking, why couldn't we have just started out that way and not needed the pain.]
"Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.
Today, God help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today."
==
"Nowhere can a man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul." Marcus Aurelius
"Am I too caught up in external priorities - achievements and acquisitions that have nothing to do with my spiritual wellbeing? A good antidote is to take time each day to free my mind of such concerns, let my thoughts wander, perhaps into thankfulness for my new life, into awareness of myself as a being created by God, in exploration of ways I can be useful to another person.
My innermost being is a retreat where I can reach out to my Higher Power, renew my spirit and nourish my life.
For today: I need no formal knowledge to pray and meditate, just a conscious effort to open myself to whatever comes.
--
Today's Voices of Recovery
"By trying to control others through manipulation and direct force, we had hurt loved ones. When we tried to control ourselves, we wound up demoralized. Even when we succeeded, it wasn't enough to make us happy." OA 12 & 12 p. 5
"When eating compulsively, I focused on other people's problems. It took the focus off me and created a false sense of power. People couldn't manage their lives without me. 'Fixing' other people gave me a false sense of security, much as the huge amount of food seemed to blur all my fears. I believed that this power made people admire, respect, and appreciate me. however, I did not admire, respect, or appreciate myself. The insanity was in trying to play God for everyone else, then bowing to the god of compulsive overeating when I was alone.
Today, neither food nor control keeps the fears away.
For today, I choose not to do for others what they can do for themselves. I seek God's will, make sure my affairs are in order, and turn the outcome of my life and others' lives over to my Higher Power.
--
Today's In This Moment:
"In This Moment, I have a loving guide.
There are countless positive paths within the Steps. The one I cherish is the Third Step, which gives me the freedom to choose a God of my understanding. For the first time in my life, I feel free to choose. My codependence keeps me stuck and fearful of making choices. Steps One and Two give me the gift of hope that there is a way out of my misery and the courage to accept the freedom offered in the Third Step. Now, I know that my freely chosen Higher Power guides me lovingly in every life choice.
--
Today's The Language of Letting Go:
"Appreciating Our Past
It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.
The relationships we entered, stayed in , or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.
Our mistakes? Necessary. our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? necessary too.
Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed."
[I can't help thinking, why couldn't we have just started out that way and not needed the pain.]
"Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.
Today, God help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today."
==
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