Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Simple Luxuries Grats

I am grateful for simple luxuries.

_______

Like:


1.      Time with dogs
2.      And cats
3.      And birds
4.      And lizards
5.      And turtles
6.      All animals
7.      Walks in the woods
8.      Water to drink
9.      Water in which to swim. In the sound
10.   And the ocean
11.   And the river
12.   And lakes
13.   And pools
14.   Water for washing dishes
15.   Water for washing clothes
16.   Friends. My girlfriends
17.   My male friends
18.   People who keep confidences
19.   That I can walk. I couldn’t for almost a year. Oh my gosh do I appreciate the ability to walk!
20.   And drive
21.   And my used Mazda that feels like it was custom made for me.
22.   Smiles.
23.   Chatting with people on line at store.
24.   Patience
25.   Plenty of food.
26.   Fresh food
27.   Organic food even
28.   That I don’t eat animals. (NOT judging anyone who does)
29.   That I can see
30.   That I play classical piano
31.   And have a piano
32.   That it is all mine and I paid for it myself
33.   That J patiently helped me to find it. It took like a year!
34.   And I even have one to use in the classroom
35.   And the kids LOVE when I play classical, like if they’re doing handwriting for a few minutes…
36.   And we sing, which they love also.
37.   And we write parodies. Curriculum-related. And life-related
38.   That I get to do “The Breathing Game” with them every morning for two minutes (mindfulness meditation).
39.   And that they love it.
40.   And that we do this after we pledge. Yes, we pledge allegiance daily.
41.   That I get to be a teacher. Although this is not a “simple thing” or easy either!
42.   In one of the greatest school districts in the world
43.   That I am good at it.
44.   And improve constantly and intend to always.
45.   That at my job I get smiles and hugs and laughter, and we recently literally jumped for joy together. Literally.
46.   That I type so incredibly quickly.
47.   Books
48.   E-books too
49.   Good breath. I used to struggle with breath. I do SO appreciate breath now!
50.   And voice. I couldn’t speak for the better part of 8 months once. Boy, do I appreciate having a voice!
51.   That I have stores nearby
52.   And a glorious park a couple of blocks away.
53.   All my animal companions. Turtles and goldfish when I was little. All my doggies and birds throughout life.
54.   Dear Summer and Jewel, my sweet happy healthy parakeets that I have now.
55.   Good foods for them. Including organic pellets, regular seeds, and fresh raw organic baby greens, which they love! They especially love kale and spinach.
56.   Although in my heart I am a nature girl, I did grow up in a city, and a large one, and am accustomed to certain conveniences. So yes, I am grateful that the Indian restaurant near me delivers.
57.   As does the Chinese restaurant.
58.   And an Italian one too.
59.   And even Thai.
60.   I am grateful for vegan restaurants in NYC.
61.   I am grateful for every animal sanctuary
62.   And every person who helps children
63.   I’m grateful for art
64.   And museums
65.   For music
66.   For Yiddish. I don’t really know it, but the little bit I know, I think is the most descriptive language.
67.   And for French. Just because I adore the sound of it. I shall budget and go back to French lessons this year. Can’t wait!
68.   For libraries.
69.   And bookstores
70.   I am very grateful for the 9 days I had in London. By myself. A year and a half ago. That I went. Planned it. Paid for it. Did it all alone. And loved it. It was the best week of my life!
71.   I am grateful for laughter
72.   And hope
73.   And every peacemaker
74.   I am grateful for Reiki
75.   And for Thich Nhat Hanh
76.   And Buddhism
77.   I am grateful to live and work in areas where there is diversity. Ethic, sexual orientation, religious, political, etc.
78.   I am grateful for the lotus.
79.   And – that I have jewelry. Shallow, but pretty simple and I do like it
80.   Celebrations
81.   Passages
82.   Generosities. Mine and others’
83.   That I can read.
84.   That my parents paid for college for me
85.   And that I was able to pay for Master’s
86.   That by some magic I always manage to get kids loving reading.
87.   Prayer
88.   My pretty feet. Yes, really.
89.   My hands. They make music and love and writings and flowers and all sorts of things.
90.   Crewel work embroidery
91.   Knitting
92.   Needlepoint
93.   Stamped cross-stitch.
94.   That my stitches are so neat; people always comment.
95.   And that I think there are two reasons. One is my willingness to rip out
96.   And the other – is that I do it for the joy of the stitch. The one individual stitch.
97.   That when I was about 7th grade age or so, my mother came into the living room where I was sitting on the Duncan Phyfe sofa with her sewing kit next to me and a needle, thread, and paper napkin on my lap. She said, “What are you doing?” I said, “Making pictures with thread. I always do it.” She said, “Do you know that that is called embroidery, and they make material and flosses and kits and everything for it?” I said, “Really?! No! I thought I’d made it up!” She said, “Would you like me to buy you one?” “YESSSS!” And we got right up and went over to John Wanamaker’s in Cross County Shopping Center. I bought a kit. Loved doing it. Learned many “official” stitches, and still have that piece!
98.   My father. SO loving that EVERYONE thought he/she was his favorite (But I know I was lol).
99.   All the safety I’ve enjoyed in my life.
100. Men. Men have been very good to me most of my life.
101. God

so then - hoping this really IS my safe place...

I am thinking to just accept who I am
including that I do the best I can
and I have shortcomings

and - maybe the sky's the limit...

I mean, I used to not be able to use a stamp machine!
I was afraid of 7-11.
Etc. etc. etc.
So the fact that I still lose track of the garbage bags is not SUCH a big deal...
M. drives hers to a bin public is not supposed to use so it won't build up!
It is not the biggest deal in the world.

If I can take good care of the birds (and I do)
and eat well
and shower and have a coat etc etc etc
and be great at my job (as I am)
maybe that's enough for now.
For now.
There have been times I couldn't even do the equivalent of all that.

--

Added - prayer:
M. needs health, please Dear God. She has had one scare, and her mother had the cancer. Please let these mammogram and sonogram results be good. For her girls. Her babies need her. Amen.

--

And - she is fine. Phew:) Now prayers of thanks.

--

So the big point above is, to myself to remember that it is not all so bad. *I* am not all so bad. I do the best I can. I am a good person. I am much better than I WAS. And all these THINGS aren't killers. And - I have to o health first:)

--

So now - hours later - I have brought car to shop to be looked at on lift. All is fine. They put air in tires too. They I returned the FOUR items that were bad - to 2 different stores. And got satisfaction. And at one store, when the man said, "The manager is busy. You can wait. It will be about 15 minutes," I answered, politely, "No. I have come a long way and that is not acceptable." And he took care of it immediately!
I - who couldn't buy coffee or stamps.

And - unlike Christmas morning, i feel fine. I am aware that tonight is the anniversary of my engagement to J, that happy happy night full of hope and promise. But I am FINE! M said to me, "I'm so glad I'll be with you tonight. I do wish it could be on a double date though. But I love you and am so glad you're in my life. And really looking forward to sister time tonight with you."  I was able to honestly answer: "I too wish we were with beloved men tonight- but only in a way! Because that WILL happen. And if it had happened last month, we wouldn't have this night together now!"
Growth.
Thank you, God.
I'm being VERY careful with what I put in my mouth. Veggies. Fruits. Not white pasta or white bread.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Day off

will use it as such
fully
good
lie around if ffel like
the one walk
eat well
don't care if nothing else
just relax and feel good
phew

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Wow. It went great.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to be with my mother.
her aide DIDN'T come, but we did great.
Thank you, God.
As hard as this morning was, I got THROUGH - which is MORE THAN I did last year.
As bad as I am, I am better than I was.
Amen.

--
Also - my mother was excited about how very much she loves me

And - she does not like J's mother.
Why?
Because she raised them all so - unable to live.
Hm.
What people who knew always said to me about me vs J.
*I * just paid off my mortgage. You know, the one for which 92 banks turned me down. And i paid it every month, on time, for 26 years.  And J. has never yet supported himself, at 54 years of age. And oldest brother does fine in jobs but is a biyter and miserable sot. Oldest sister has had serious breakdowns and hospitalizations, and youngest sister is an alcholic, more often than not unemployed, and has never had a long-term relationship (all are over 50).
I am NOT making fun!
But I AM saying - it IS ludicrous - as my dr's been trying to tell me for YEARS - to think *I* cannot live without HIM.
Thank you, God. I know it will come back... I don't feel I'm there yet, but thank you. For THIS moment.
Amen.

--

And
May her example - such dignity even with all the things she cannot do for herself...
And the saving - sacrificing - and the level of care it is affording her now. Bless my mommy.


None of it matters.
None of it matters.
Just because I have a hole in the pit of my stomach, does not mean the world is ending.
Thikn of how grateful I am that my carotid arteries are ok!

Calming.
That's calming.

Good.
The lost earring doesn't matter.
The writing the checks doesn't matter.

None of the fear is real.

Ok.

More as comes.

--

His misery all the time was not about me. It could not have been.

--

I have never been ok alone on my own. Never. But maybe I can be ok inside.

--

I'm remembering the scary drive home that night. Dark. Raining. Windshield troubles. Eye troubles. No visibility; couldn't even see lanes highway etc. Calling L back at his house to talk me through it while I cried.
And the time I couldn't get myself on the highway -  it looked crowded and I was having some sort of panic - I called but he was so busy with correcting or planning or something so I said must come back but will stay downstairs alone and wait it out (his "office" is upstairs).  And he called down when computer said road good enough...
And - the time when it got so late (above) was because I couldn't - leave. I kept agreeing to anything that would drag out the visit. Brunch with S and Jo, then a movie, then a meal... L. kept saying is getting dark let her go... I kept trying to drag it out - as if somehow that would have been good for something. Hm.
This is SUPPOSED to make me feel better. Ad in a way it does. Because those were not about J, so it is not all about him.
At the same time, it means I've ALWAYS been so lacking...
But - The Power: If you can jump on that horse of whatever bad feeling - and i n fact you have, then you can jump off it too...

--

Ok. A breath. Whatever it is, is. Okay. In all ways. Just is. No biggy. Ok.

One can't imagine what I go through -to do things - that regular people think are simple.
Fuck.
Ok. But maybe that is just my reality, that's all. Like someone autistic, some retarded, someone with Down's Syndrome, etc. This is just my reality. Just accept it and make the best of each day. Yes. Good. Good!
--

Ok. And my assets. I have assets. yes.
I am good to children.
I can play piano.
I am open-minded.
I am cultured.
I am down to earth
I don't have a lot of material wants
I am affectionate
I am smily
I am always called bubbly
and i am alays called funny
I am intelligent
I work
I own my own home
I am compassionate.
These are things a man would be be lucky to be with in a woman...
okay.

--

Maybe partly what's so bothersome is that I have been to those Christmases at J's family's. They are deadly. And yet still, he would rather do that than be with me.
But I must remember a few things:
1. It is about him trying to find himself.
2. Either he did love and adore me as he said and acted for so long, or he didn't, as he says now. Eigher he's right or wrong about it. It is what it is.
3. This is not forever either.
4. As for the jealousy of the other one who invites him only now that I'm out of hte picture and didn't invite us for years, I am being blamed for what is not mine! That is the truth, after all.

Ok. It all is what it is.

And it all would be a lot worse if i DID have Type II diabetes and clogged carotid artery.

--

I mean, do I expect different things. little Ji spends tons of time at computer to relax. And drawin and coloring too. She is differently abled, yes. But this is her reality. Maybe my reality is just - this way.... Then again, maybe I can improve it.


Today's Grats


1.      I woke up with that awful feeling but it went away.
2.      Oh the birds. Singing talking eating happy healthy.
3.      And the colors of their toys
4.      And the greens for them. Phew.
5.      Thank you, Jesus.
6.      Christmas is today.
7.      I will walk for 30.
8.      I WILL get better. I WILL. I am GOOD AT making things better I have done it many many times.
9.      Every minute of meditation I’ve ever done.
10.   I’m not done yet.
11.   The Yes Virginia editorial.
12.   Hearing it last night. Just happening to it riht in time to hear it again after all these years. It is so beautiful.
13.   Today is Dec. 25. March 25 my life will be better than it is today. Just by the things I’m doing since yesterday. Yes.
14.   Reading is worthwhile just on its own.
15.   As is sleeping.
16.   And relaxing.
17.   Meditation.
18.   Music
19.   Piano
20.   Birds. All birds.
21.   Great children’s authors. Like Frances Hodgson Burnett
22.   And Patricia McKinliey
23.   And good ones like Patricia Reily Giff
24.   Steven Kellogg
25.   E.B. White
26.   C.S.lewis
27.   Roald Dahl
28.   Lois Lowry
29.   E.I. Konigsburg
30.   Lewis Carroll
31.   J.K. Rowling
32.   Beverly Cleary
33.   A.A. Milne
34.   Madeleine L’Engle
35.   Judy Blume
36.   Jane Yolen
37.   Cynthia Rylant
38.   Kate DeCamillo
39.   Shel Silverstein
40.   Jon Scieszka
41.   Dr. Seuss
42.   Beatrix Potter
43.   Mo Willems
44.   Maribeth Boelts
45.   Laura Ingalls Wilder
46.   Lester Laminack
47.   That I am a good teacher.
48.   A serious teacher.
49.   And a fun one
50.   Sleep blessed sleep.
51.   Light snowflakes (not today – not having – just in general)
52.   The book The Power
53.   I bought the book The Alchemist
54.   With a gift card, no less
55.   Judith Viorst
56.   Rudyard Kipling
57.   Johanna Hurwitz
58.   Suzy Kline
59.   Dr. Francine Patterson
60.   Thich Nhat Hanh has done some too
61.   Ed Young
62.   Mary Pope Osbourne
63.   Barbara Park
64.   Patricia Polacco
65.   Robert Kimmel Smith
66.   Maurce Sendak
67.   Patricia MacLachlan
68.   Chris Van Allsburg
69.   Judith Viorst
70.   Gail Gibbons
71.   Betty MacDonald
72.   Kevin Henkes
73.   Poems for Two Voices
74.   That those awful health scares weren’t real
75.   My years with j.
76.   My current friendship with L.
77.   NYE plans with M. Girls’ night.
78.   Tomie dePaola
79.   Eve Bunting
80.   James Howe
81.   Lynn Reid Banks
82.   Miska Miles
83.   David Adler
84.   Stan & Jan Berenstain
85.   Eric Carle
86.   Paula Danziger
87.   Dan Gutman
88.   Leo Lionni
89.   Donald J. Sobol
90.   David Weisner
91.   Hans Christian Anderson
92.   Grimm
93.   Kate and M. Sarah Klise
94.   Picture books
95.   Folk tales
96.   Fairy tales
97.   Biographies of Helen Keller for children
98.   The book The Secret Garden
99.   Fb
100. IM
101. I'm okay. Right now in this moment, I'm ok.