Thursday, February 28, 2013

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"The weariest night, the longest day, sooner or later must perforce come to an end." Baroness Orczy

The difficult spells in our lives come to an end. And no matter the depth of our disturbance, we will survive. We forget that the depths teach us how to better appreciate the heights.

Sorrow heightens joy. Depression heightens laughter. We wouldn't know the joys and laughter were it not for the sorrows. In them we learn to be patient, waiting for the wisdom which will light our way. in them we learn to listen for the guidance that beckons us forth.

We must reflect on the troubling experiences we've passed through of late. They made us wiser; they gave us strength. They changed us, moving us ever closer to the women, whole and happy, we desire to be.

Difficulties often precede enlightenment. They pull us inward, perhaps push us to search for our connectedness to God, a connectedness that is at home in our hearts. The paradox is that these painful periods strengthen our oneness with the Spirit.

If the days look bleak, I will accept it as a hand reaching toward me, to pull me forward, to secure my place in the spiritual family.

100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. My dr saying if the thing is too hard and scary the way it is,,find a different way to do tit just like you do in school
2. That I gave the kids a great day yesterday
3. That I slept
4. That I dreamt
5. That I woke up. I guess. In a way.
6. Chopin
7. Cruciferous vegetables
8. Leafy green vegetables
9. Veganism
10. Computer room stuff
11. Centers
12. M running off things for me
13. Tires fixed
14. L calling this am. I’m not alone
15. 2 emails from him 2
16. and a fb post fromA
17. My mother. I don’t want my fear about losing her to interfere with my time with her
18. J. Forever and always
19. Doggie. Forever and always
20. That maybe living this way right now will make something worthwhile one day… For me or someone(s) else.
21. I am grateful though that I can breathe on my own
22. And am not in a concentration camp
23. And can see
24. And can hear
25. And can speak
26. And have a home
27. And a job
28. And a car
29. And electricity
30. And a washing machine
31. And a dryer
32. And a dishwasher
33. And a piano
34. And a piano in my classroom
35. And indoor plumbing
36. And a shrink
37. And an eye doctor
38. And eye drops
39. And some some some degree of hope
40. And peace on my street. Not a war. Not guns…
41. And a park nearby
42. And I can drive to the sound, ocean, bay
43. And to the mountains
44. That I have had many vacations with J.
45. And London on my own
46. And loved almost all
47. And did love London
48. That my mother is alive
49. That I have heat
50. And a heated mattress pad
51. And air conditioning
52. And Weight Watchers
53. And a good gym nearby
54. And Zumba nearby
55. And a treadmill here in my home
56. And resistance bands
57. And 3-pound weights
58. And wood floors
59. And a laptop
60. And a Nook
61. And an iPad
62. And an iPhone
63. And a car charger, finally
64. And a principal I love
65. And this particular class. They’re so good
66. And sorry, but that yesterday was easier because of the one who was absent!
67. That I’m not as fat as I used to be
68. Stones from the river
69. Books
70. Landline phone
71. A tv
72. And cable
73. Bookcases
74. New thoughts and beliefs about J.
75. The Law of Attraction
76. All the times J and I walked at the Botanical Gardens
77. Enough money to live.
78. My freedoms
79. My degrees that I’ve earned
80. That I can write
81. That I can read
82. That I have ever had to step foot into a prison
83. Thich Nhat Hanh
84. G, who introduced me to him
85. Tai Chi I used to take (and take for granted☹
86. Sofas
87. A d.r. table (small house – no kitchen table)
88. A bed
89. Sheets
90. A comforter
91. Pillows
92. Pillowcases
93. A dresser – well 2
94. A closet – well 2
95. Towels
96. Toilet paper
97. Napkins
98. Paper towels
99. Dishtowels
100. Dishwashing powder
101. Detergent
102. Softener
103. Soap
104. Shampoo

Where I Am Right Now:(

I go to sleep too many nights wishing not to wake up.
Upon awakening, the first words that fall from my mouth - really - I don't control them, they come out - are, "Oh fuck." Followed by, "God help me. God help me."
I am so sad.
So sad about J. Still? Again?
That I didn't appreciate and shower him with love.
That I was unable to LIVE. To BE. To EXIST as a PERSON, a WOMAN. Functioning.... Not hiding out and waiting...
That I needed him so desperately.

I am not comfortable in my own skin.
I always was, and felt, sexy, when young. Just took it for granted.
Now do not feel sexy, or pretty, or even comfortable in own skin:(

I am so desperate that I actually broke my own veganism. I SO do not want to admit that!:(

I miss J.
I miss doggie.
I don't believe I can do the things that need doing.
I don't see much to live for.
Well, giving. Yes. Giving to the children is nice.
And piano. Making music (not listening to music, but making it) is nice.

Other than that, I just want to sleep:(

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Feelings Work

I Feel:
Okay in some ways.
Very scared.
Like I'm inept.

I Think It Is Because:
I don't have experience with these things I have to do now. Lawyers, money, mother's health... dealing with aides...
I grew up in a way that causes someone to not trust self and abilities and effect on environment. Child of schizophrenic mother, damn for that.
I wish I had had the fucking sense to get long-term care insurance:(

Next Time I'll Do Differently:
Keep doing. Just keep doing! DON'T give in to the paralysis.
Stop putting self down. Can only do what can do. TODAY.
Accept help! Like from J, who is offering!
Don't snivel!

5 Good Things about Me:
1. I try. God knows, I do try.
2. I am fair - more than, in fact, to others.
3. I am a better person than I used to be when was more self-centered.
4. At this age I really WANT to give.
5. I can look pretty.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Number 42. Wow oh wow number 42.
2. Dealing in a clean kitchen day in and day out is such a nice feeling.
3. That I got up on time today
4. That that meeting went so well
5. That little H, who is so nervous about doing things right, is, I believe, comfortable with me.
6. That I am breathing. That is a gift at the heart of it all.
7. Affirmations I find online.
8. My hands and feet feel smoother.
9. Pb and natural fruit spread
10. On whole grain bread
11. That I didn’t WANT more bread ast night
12. Broccoli at lunh
13. Light in the house
14. A great dream about slimness and clothing
15. Giving the kids great comp. lesson yesterday
16. Smiling children in my classroom
17. Getting some report cards done anyway
18. M’s love for me
19. That I GOT myself to that lawyer
20. Beautiful art I find on facebook
21. Beautiful inspiration I find on facebook
22. Doing the grats
23. Children wanting to meditate
24. That I should be able to fit it in today.
25. Nice pedicure. First time since summer
26. The Schubert is coming along.
27. That piano helps my sanity
28. The French language. I just think it’s so pretty.
29. My Nook. (I hope they stay in business).
30. That my house is in order.
31. If the past is any prediction of he present or future, I WILL get it all done.
32. That yesterday, L was concerned about me. I didn’t expect that but as I wasn’t on facebook and didn’t email or anything, he worried a good deal. And it DID feel like, well, I’m NOT all alone in the world; someone cares about me.
33. And even A was nice. Cared about my being so scared, and answered questions about how to deal with the mother situation
34. That maybe I’ll make it. And then that will help someone who’s reading, to make it too. Coming from where I’ve been, am, to making it – that would be a good big thing.
35. That I have a job
36. And it is that job
37. And I am good at it
38. And devoted
39. And I am not alone all day every day
40. That I got my hair colored. Phew. Put it off for so long
41. Magazines
42. That I get to go to the movies. That’s a luxury.
43. ***That everything doesn’t look, see, feel, as – FOREIGN as it used to. Like magic that some other people have and I don’t. Everything – stores, movies, social engagements - … used to make me physically ill, so scary. This is huge. And it isn’t so much like that anymore. Thank God.
44. Our school secretary. I love her.
45. Our school nurse. I like her so much too.
46. That I was in London last spring.
47. And loved it so much.
48. And the people there were so great to me.
49. And I did it alone.
50. And had a safe trip there.
51. And back.
52. And that I was okay on the trip back. Even though I was in like the ONE seat on the plane without a tv screen!
53. That I went straight from that airport to L’s
54. And had a WONDERFUL weekend there!
55. The weekend after, when I met his relatives.. That was such a nice spring.
56. Walking weather is on its way soon.
57. IM chat, on facebook.
58. That I have never committed a real crime (I say real because as teen stole – but got caught, thank God, and I’m not sure if in my early 20’s I cheated on my taxes. But other that that one and possibly other).
59. People who are praying for me.
60. That I pray for people too.
61. That JJ’s medical tests came out well.
62. That my mother is doing well.
63. That SHE offered last night to help ME. Wow.
64. Love. Every bit of love I’ve gotten; get.
65. Hope about J. No. I’m not kidding.
66. That at least he will help me this spring.
67. Eating better now.
68. That I made the fresh coffee this am.
69. That I am not in a CONSTANT state of panic.
70. MAYBE in t5 years my life will be better than it is right now?
71. Helping children.
72. Trees
73. Flowers. These things make me happy.
74. That I can type
75. That I HAVE this laptop.
76. Woood floors
77. Books
78. WW (Weight Watchers)
79. Double prep day once every 6 work days.
80. That I’ve not really been the victim of any violent crime (except when abuse in relationship long ago).
81. People who help each other
82. L’s compassion
83. Hearing O play piano in person so many times. So lucky.
84. How much better my own practicing is after that.
85. Organic crunchy p.b. on whole grain spelt toast right now. So good. Mm.
86. What I learn from others.
87. Je every morning. Her cheerfulness, her kindness, her tone.
88. That I set up a safe atmosphere in my classroom.
89. If I hadn’t been such a shy, scared kid, maybe I wouldn’t be such a good teacher. So maybe I’m even grateful for being such a shy, scared kid!
90. My aide. I love her. Wish she were with me for more than an hour a day, and that’s rare for me to say!
91. What a good mother she is.
92. Enough money to live. No matter what, I have always so far had enough money to live.
93. Non-dairy milks
94. Honest people
95. My Royal Doultons
96. YOU. Oh gosh really yes. If you are reading this, I am so grateful for you.
97. Bookstores
98. And the time I’ve spent in them.
99. Paperback Booksmith when I was a teen and a bit beyond
100. Barne s& Noble
101. Borders. I’ve spent nice times in both.

Monday, February 25, 2013

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. The feeling of the sweepy thing across the nice kitchen floor this morning as I was doing it.
2. Having all the noise off. For once. No tv, no chatting constantly online. Just doing what doing – the kitchen.
3. Was also aware that as soon as had to piddle, just walked into bathroom and went. So, am grateful lthat HAVE the toilet – indoor plumbing.
4. And the sink in there
5. With soap
6. And towel. Each is a luxury.
7. Thursday now. Just introduced (online) to the puff frog. Adorable sound! http://www.babble.com/pets/tiny-frog-makes-the-most-adorable-squeaky-toy-sound-ever-video/
8. The feeling I discuss in today’s post on getting that feeling back. Oh so thankful for that feeling.
9. It is Monday. I am grateful that after feeling so depressed and scared yesterday late morning, I had some very nice in-the-moment-minutes later afternoon
10. That I went to that concertn, which I did for O, but it was good for me.
11. That when I was leaving, I was actually thinking, “Oh! This is so GOOD for me!I should get to a classical concert as often as possible even once a week!”
12. That I spent much more time out of the den!
13. That the house is straightened, thank od.
14. That I paid my mothers people yesterday
15. And did her shopping
16. And will call that lawyer TODAY!
17. That I finally got a car charger for my iPhone
18. And a case I like. I hated that other one.
19. That I had a nice, albeit brotherl-sisterly time with L
20. And he bought me earrings for my upcoming birthday
21. That I managed to get there and get my hair cut and colored Friday. I didn’t think I’d even be able to shower, I was so down.
22. That I like the way it came out.
23. Fresh coffee this morning, and that it is really no big deal to make.
24. That I am enjoying the book, “Lifeboat” so much
25. That I saw the movie Argo. And liked it
26. That I tore myself from the Oscars and went to bed at 9:00 last night. I needed that.
27. The pretty art I see on facebook.
28. The inspirational quotes I see there too.
29. That I have my job
30. The fresh coffee I made this morning, and that it isn’t such a big deal to make it after all.
31. That I have begun to find myself
32. That I have a piano
33. And one in my classroom
34. That I put on a little makeup Sat
35. And looked nice.
36. And got a compliment
37. That I sat in Barnes & Noble and read so much of that book, “That Woman” about Wallis Simpson
38. That I am doing Weight Watchers
39. That I got a nice pedi on Friday
40. That I went to the health food store on Saturday
41. That L came with me, and found it fun!
42. That I’m recommitting my determination to not do things that are bad for me (and therefore others indirectly)
43. That I did do a big load of laundry
44. Water
45. Organic foods
46. My sharing about animal, with others.
47. Birds. Their look, their song, …
48. My Royal Doultons. Absolutely unnecessary,; a pure luxury.
49. That L and I read aloud the Five Mindfulness Trainings.
50. And that he did it seriously. It was sacred for me.
51. Beautiful moments that give me chills.
52. Thich Nhat Hahn
53. That I have resistance bands
54. And 3-pound weights
55. Humor
56. And a good exercise DVDs
57. My dishwasher. I am so grateful to have that
58. Salad
59. That I ate at the Cheesecale Factory.
60. And had artichoke and great arugula salad (without the cheese, of course)
61. Earrings. I love earrings. Another luxury, of course
62. Trees
63. The Bios urn. I might want that. You get cremated and buried and become a tree and the urn biodegrades… I like that.
64. Good great things to read
65. My fingers
66. That I have NO – NO- NO- NO desire to abuse ANYWONE, human or otherwise, including emotionally.
67. That Pope Benedict is going. I never liked him. Sorry to say that
68. Nice times I have had with cousins
69. That I have been in beautiful wonderful England
70. Shoes
71. Boots
72. Socks
73. A car that works
74. That I have all my teeth
75. That I like the moment. When I stay IN the moment, the moment is okay!
76. The MEDICAL research on the benefits of meditation
77. Prayer
78. Eindows
79. Wood floors
80. I went to a Swarovski store for the first time on Saturday
81. Apple stores. They’re so nice there.
82. My Nook. I love that ting!
83. That I can drive
84. Woods
85. Doggie. Every minute I had with her
86. Same with J.
87. That – who knows, about the future
88. That I have to build MYSELF – and am doing so now!
89. That I can move. Am not paralyzed.
90. Can breathe on my own.
91. And speak
92. And see. These are all miracles of the universe in a real way, I think. And I am happy to be part of them.
93. Lakes and Rivers and streams
94. Oceans
95. The sky
96. Clouds
97. Flowers
98. Ladybugs
99. Fireflies
100. M calling this morning.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Journal

So very sad.
Just took anti-depressent.

Yesterday had many grats but didn't write them!

Cried and depressed and so unhappy for couple hours this am!

Just took pill little while ago
and ate broccoli rabe
and feeling less hopeless now.

Much more later.
Must run and help mother now.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Journal

Anything I've ever done, that ultimately was worthwhile, initially scared me to death.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"We can never go back again, that much is certain." Daphne DuMaurier

Yesterday is gone, but its experiences will be reflected in those of today. We learned from both the good and the bad situations of yesterday. Where we travel today, likewise will influence our direction tomorrow. We can't do over what has gone before, but we can positively incorporate all that life is offering us from this moment forth.

We are moving toward greater understanding of life's mysteries with each experience. As today unfolds, we can be moved by the adventure. What we experience is ours alone and will contribute to the unfolding of our special destiny. We move forward, only forward. the doors behind us are closed forever.

Facing what comes to us, with strength, is a gift from this program we share. letting go of the yesterdays and the last years is another gift offered by this program. And trust that what we face along with what we let go will weave the pattern of our rightful unfolding -- that is the ultimate gift given to us by this program.

I need never go back again. I am spared that. My destiny lies in the future. And I can be certain it will bring me all that I desire, and more.

I Just Got Back a Feeling - Make That TWO!



I was 14.
My mother was helping a just-getting-married neighbor unpack in her gorgeous (read - expensive) new home.
I saw put on the fireplace mantle,
this.
I literally gasped!
"What is that? I asked my mother.
"What?"
"That!" Breathless. Really.
"Oh? You like that?"
"It is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
"It's a Royal Doulton figurine. I can show you others."
"Really?"

She did.

There was a nice classy mall nearby when I was little. It had a John Wanamaker's.
They had, upstairs, Royal Doulton figurines. Oh I was in love.

At 16, we went to Bermuda, father mother and I on a cruise.
In Smith's, on Front Street - yes I remember -
we looked at an entire WALL of Royal Doulton figurines.
My father wanted to buy me a "lady."
They were too expensive! He felt bad. But he bought me a little girl, and a little doggie and 2 pups. So cute!
He said the girl - reminded him of me. As she was sitting with a dog and a book. Nice.
Next occasion, they bought me a "lady." And another and another. I have several now. And bought one for myself too!
And I have the one I helped my father pick out as a gift for my mother and after he died and she sold the house, she gave it to me.

Today, looking at that photo of the first one, gave me a moment of that feeling back.
ME.
NOT ABOUT A GUY.
ME.
INSIDE.
AT 14.

I am so grateful for that.

--

And ANOTHER now!
Practicing Chopin Nocturne in Eb. This is it by Rubenstein: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGRO05WcNDk

From THE book I had as teen. Maybe 17 when first got this piece? It was my favorite. I was trying to tell my father my favorite piece. He didn't know which one I meant. I was humming it. Finally he said to my mother - "I think she means Eddie Duchin's theme song?!"
And he found it for me.
And told me, he didn't love that Eddie Duchin had added all those frills.
Anyway, I went to my piano teacher and said I want4ed to learn the Eddit Duchin theme song.
It turned out she new what it REALLY was - the Chopin.
And I saw the music
and went running to my father and said, "Eddie Duchin didn't add those frills! They are in the MUSIC! CHOPIN did it!"
"OH!" he said. "Wow!" "I love it then!"

And I am holding THAT book - the one rom 40 years ago - the one that has been in sun, rain, sleet, snow, hail, car seat, many moves, .... and is falling apart.
And I am loving it.

IT is remembering - me -
before I was "me-about-a-guy."

Oh Thank You for This Miracle, God.
I never thought it would happen!



I've just taken pics to show you here.
And I am feeling EXCITED. For the first time EVER - outside of England last March-April, about something that is NOT about a GUY!

This is really it. THE book. On MY piano - that *I* bought and paid for and use.


I can't work out how to get a pic of MY Doulton(s) here. Am doing the EXACT SAME THING did with the Chopin music - but it won't "take."
That's okay:) It is the red Autumn breezes one. Like this:




Journal

I seem to need to PREPARE.
To WAIT.
This is a giant WASTE of TIME.

It must come from the years
with a schizophrenic mother.
WAITING
for her to get better
for things to be okay
and eventually, to just get the fuck out of there.

I think that when I get sick, it is really psychologically caused.
And causes more of the PREPARING.
The WAITING.

PREPARING to LIVE.

And I do here and now proclaim:
I do not need this mechanism anymore!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Affirmations

I trust in the Process of Life. There is a rhythm and flow to Life, and I am part of it. Life supports me and brings to me only good and positive experiences. I trust the process of life to bring me my highest good.

I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

I radiate success and prosper wherever I turn.

My income is constantly increasing. I begin now, today, to open myself to ever-increasing prosperity.

As I say Yes to life, life says yes to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5 Good Things about Me

5 Good Things about Me:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. I like leading a clean life.
2. I have come to yet again!
3. I play piano.
4. I appreciate little things. VERY easy to buy a gift for, do a favor for, make feel good...
5. I am intelligent.

Today's Reading - Touchstones (which is officially for men)

"That's what happens when you're angry at people. you make them part of your life." Garrison Keillor

Our problems with anger and our problems in relationships go hand in hand. Some of us have held back our anger, which led to resentment of our loved ones. Some of us have indulged our anger and become abusive. Some of us have been so frightened of anger that we closed off the dialogue in our relationships when angry feelings came out.

Some of us have wasted our energy by focusing anger on people who weren't really important to us. Do we truly want them to become so important? Yet, perhaps the important relationships got frozen because we weren't open and respectful with our anger. It isn't possible to be close to someone without being angry at times. We let our loved ones be part of our lives by feeling our anger when it is there and expressing it openly, directly, and respectfully to then - or by hearing them when they are angry. Then, with dialogue, we can let it go.

I will be aware of those people I am making important in my life and will grow in dealing with my anger.

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Setting Our Own Course

"We are powerless over other people's expectations of us. We cannot control what others want, what they expect, or what they want us to do and be."

We can control how we respond to other people's expectations.

During the course of any day, people may make demands on our time, talents, energy, money, and emotions. We do not have to say yes to every request. We do not have to feel guilty if we say no. And we do not have to allow the barrage of demands to control the course of our life.

We do not have to spend our life reacting to others and to the course they would prefer we took with our life.

We can set boundaries, firm limits on how far we shall go with others. We can trust and listen to ourselves. We can set goals and direction for our life. We can place value on ourselves.

We can own our power with people.

Buy some time. Think about what you want. Consider how responding to another's needs will affect the course of your life. We live or own life by not letting other people, their expectations, and their demands control the course of our life. We can let them have their demands and expectations; we can allow them to have their feelings. We can own our power to choose the path that is right for us.

Today, God, help me own my power by detaching and peacefully choosing the course of action that is right for me. Help me know I can detach from the expectation and wants of others. Help me stop pleasing other people and start pleasing myself.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

A Selfish Program

We call our program a selfish one. It is something, which we want more than anything else, not only for weight loss but also for peace of mind. We do not join OA to please anyone else; our primary purpose is to do what is best for ourselves.

Starting the program where we are, we take the aspects of it which apply to each current situation. We give to and share with our group, but we also remember that the best thing we can do for any other compulsive overeater is to practice our own abstinence.

We have found that putting ourselves down does no good, either to ourselves or to anyone else. If for someone else we do something, which we sincerely believe is wrong for us, then our resentment is bound to come out sooner or later.

When we were overeating compulsively, we ofter tried to hold down our resentment with food. Instead of honestly facing anger and hostility, we tried to make it go away by eating.

The OA program gives us a better way to deal with negative emotions, and for selfish reasons we need this program!

May I not be afraid to recognize my needs.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

How can we ever do that which seems impossible? Taking a class, quitting a job, leaving a destructive relationship behind, asking for help; none of these can we do alone or with ease. All of these we can handle when we rely on the help offered by the program, the help of one another, the help promised by our higher power. Tackling with God's help that which seems impossible, reduces it to manageable size. It also deflates the power our fears have given it.

That which we fear grows in proportion to our obsession with it. The more we fear a thing, the bigger it becomes, which in turn increases our fear. How lucky we are that God awaits our call for the strength, the companionship that is guaranteed us! We are in partnership, all the way, every day, if we'd only recognize it. We can move toward and through anything. And the added benefit is that we come to trust our partnership. We soon know that all situations can be met. All experiences can be survived. Avoidance is no longer our technique for survival.

A deep breath invites the inner strength to move through me. I will feel the exhilaration of God's power. And I will know that excitement of growth and peace.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Orange juice. Organic
2. Whole grain spelt bread
3. Organic peanut butter
4. Aspirin
5. Vitam C
6. Vitamin D-3
7. Lysine
8. Water
9. Fresh brewed coffee
10. With chocolate non GMO soymilk
11. About to clean kitchen.
12. Then den.
13. Then piano
14. And read IN LIVING ROOM
15. Will NOT allow sex with L. this weekend! Because he is losing still more sexual functioning, so it would be like a favor and I would not like that. I would rather neither of us feel the pressure.
16. And that I dumped S. yesterday. I am sick of his pushy know-it-all incendiary hurtful to Christians posts. Defriended, wrote that would and why.
17. And don’t care what he or anyone else thinks about it. And that is the best part.
18. And will also not do cyber sex with a. NEED to focus on self.
19. Am standing at edge – precipice. Looking into the abyss. Endangered. And today, today, am DETERMINED not to give in.
20. Dr. should come. Good.
21. Salt water gargles
22. Claritan
23. Paxil
24. That when I was a teen I use to make halter tops for myself.
25. Using a piece of newspaper for a pattern!
26. And sew them by hand!
27. That I have embroidered beautiful pillow cases.
28. And have them now.
29. That I have a washing maching here.
30. Rachmaninoff
31. Schubert
32. Mendelsohn
33. Books
34. E-books
35. Weight Watchers altogether
36. And the meetings
37. And online
38. And the Success stories I read this morning.
39. Microsoft Word
40. The Internet
41. This blog
42. Message boards
43. Facebook
44. “My” oak tree. (I put quotes because I don’t really think we can OWN Mother Nature).
45. Googld Images
46. Dudeism – funny – “Let It Be”
47. Buddhism. For real.
48. Doggies
49. Bunnies
50. Owls
51. The colors of birds
52. And of flowers
53. Hummingbirds
54. The smallest one, the bee hummingbird
55. Kitties
56. Peace. Everywhere there is peace.
57. I have never in my life had to worry about whether to get water.
58. Or whether I’d be put in a concentration camp.
59. Or be a victim of child-rape. I am so fortunate to have been spared that worry.
60. I may have reached my bottom.
61. Humor.
62. Funny quotes.
63. Laughter.
64. Horses.
65. Wild horses.
66. People who are kind to horses.
67. That I don’t eat animals. I have been tempted lately. So grateful that I don’t!
68. That I have some liberal and some conservative beliefs.
69. Prayer
70. Thich Nhat Hanh
71. Mindfulness
72. That I am off from work this week.
73. Crazyons
74. Markers
75. Paints
76. Paintbrushes
77. Canvas
78. Kind people
79. Generous people.
80. Friends
81. O calling yesterday.
82. M feeling better yesterday than the day before.
83. Sex that I have had.
84. And that I finally believe that the next time will be even better.
85. That *I * can control my own body and who gets to touch it. .
86. That I do not feel AS bad physically as I did. Only ears are worse. But throat not quite as bad. And nose getting better.
87. My eyedrops
88. That my new health card DI come.
89. That I have a treadmill
90. And an ActiveLink
91. And 3-lb weights
92. And resistance bankds
93. And a good exercise DVD
94. And a regular DVD player for my treadmill
95. And Zumba classes. Wow. I have a LOT!
96. That I am breathing well today.
97. Yogi “Breathe something-or-other” tea
98. Great inspirational facebook sites – pages?
99. ***THAT I HAVE HIT SORT OF A BOTTOM. LAST NIGHT WAS THE CULMINATION, I THINK. AND SO I REALIZE – WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE? A bf with DID? A paramour who has life security and doesn’t always see/ treat me the way I’d like? A husband who chooses not to be with me? The company of an old man who used to abuse me? A snotty pretend-friend who thinks he knows everything? His selfish girlfriend? The opinions of others? Who gives a shit?! And THAT is one of the most healthy things I have ever felt.
100. Fresh organic salad greens.
101. And more available.

TODAY

------------------

I will:
Eat 3 regular sized meals.
Include veggies and fruits.
Clean up at least 2 rooms.
Practice piano a little - IF up to it AND want to AND thin would be good for my health.
Keep my dr. appointment.
Rest.
Read.

I will not:
Spend hours and hours online with a.
Obsess over L.
Or even J.
Or even myself. Like I'm a loser,... hopeless,...that sort of thing.

And I will:
Keep track here.

Breakfast. Including fruit. *
Kitchen Clean. * (except things drying which must wait to be put back).
Piano. 30 minutes *
Lunch is now had. Including 1 veg and 1 fruit. *
Second room in progress. Nope. Now, second room is done. *
A third room is done! Ahead! *
Dr. appointment *
Dinner. Including 2 veggies and fruit. *

rest a bit
only didn't read (so far?)

*




Journal

"The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own.
No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.
The gift is yours -
it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.
This is the day your life really begins." Bob Moawad

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Journal

I will be no good.
For J even as friend
For any man
To have a relationship.
Even to date.
As a friend
In trying to save money.
In exercise
Or piano
Or spiritual work.

Until I am whole.

Keep plugging.
Just keep plugging.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Piano duets.
2. Two-piano pieces
3. I played piano for L yesterday. First time ever. On phone. 1 page of a Rachmaninoff piece. When I play this entire piece through, it leaves me limp. Almost splayed across the piano, so *emotionally * drained. I see, hear, feel it as beautiful. So beautiful. Yet SO sad. Tragic. So I’m walking past the piano with the phone in my hand yesterday, talking with L, and I say, “Listen,” and I sit and play the one page of it. I finish, and he says, “Infinite loss.” Totally nailed it. That was nice.
4. Then he made much of my playing. Beautiful.
5. Then today in an email he asked please would I play piece(s) for him one day.
6. And I said yes. This is all a VERY big deal to me.
7. L. is thinking and talking about wanting to live with me. I won’t! Don’t worry! But it is awfully nice to hear.
8. And I shouldn’t say I won’t. I am learning that I never know what circumstances are going to change. I mean maybe if we’re both old, and not in love with anyone, and still friends, and looking for platonic roommate… and financial and health easier…
9. Heck, I could fall in love with an A. type person and wife could leave and WE wind up together! (NOT A!) I’m just saying.
10. I’m learning that life is change.
11. And that tomorrow is a mystery. Planning, sure, financial, health…. But other than that…
12. And that change is good.
13. And at the very least inevitable.
14. And so is mystery good.
15. And at the very least inevitable.
16. Hope. I still have SOME.
17. That I can put pics into blog now! You an SEE how it’s so important to me!
18. That I can FINALLY size them a little. It takes like five steps but at least I can.
19. Still cannot completely control WHERE they go! Since the new way blogger has, just a few days ago! : ( But I am grateful for blogger.
20. That I am not psychotic. It is very hard to be psychotic. I have known people who are. And, in a way, L. is – at least almost…
21. Fb
22. Chat
23. Email
24. Phone
25. Cell phone
26. Zumba – gulp
27. Weight Watchers!
28. My spirituality. I had it even as a child.
29. My strong legs. Have always had those too.
30. That I am a good listener.
31. And have STARTED to stand UP for myself, appropriately.
32. I love art.
33. I have been to museums.
34. Including in LONDON!
35. Doing research about possibly going to France.
36. Not all alone. Maybe in tour group.
37. Clouds
38. Rainbows. And that I have seen a few irl.
39. Trees
40. Treetops. And all the times I have lain on my back and looked up at and through them.
41. 2 feet
42. 2 legs. Really. These may sound cheap for gratitudes but I mean every one.
43. 2 kidneys. That work.
44. My liver
45. My 2 lungs
46. My heart
47. My two hands
48. My 10 toes
49. My 10 fingers
50. Humor
51. My two eyes. Both ot them.
52. My two ears
53. My timer. I use it a lot
54. And that I found the one at school too.
55. Lamps
56. Electricity
57. My piano
58. The way my fingers work
59. That I have had orgasms in my life. Many
60. And multis
61. Giant ones
62. And some great great great kisses.
63. And love (I think lol)
64. My blog
65. Every person who reads this!!
66. Garbage collection
67. London. London London London.
68. My amazing 9 days there,
69. followed straight from airport by the 2 with L (before I knew he was crazy).
70. I may NOT wind up all alone forever after all.
71. Breath. I am so deeply grateful for my breath. That I have it. That I can breathe on my own.
72. And the breathing of mindfulness meditation too.
73. Beautiful interior design
74. And beautiful gardens
75. And parks
76. And areas of the earth that are still natural. Somewhat at least.
77. Sitcoms. God help me…
78. God
79. Prayer
80. Reiki! And that I understand the depth of it as I do.
81. That I am able to socialize in different groups (despite some shyness!: )
82. My neck
83. My carotid arteries
84. My stomach
85. My intestines
86. My clitoris
87. My vagina
88. My hair on my head
89. My eyelashes
90. My lips
91. My teeth
92. My gums
93. My arms
94. My name
95. My smile
96. My pretty eyes
97. That people comment on both
98. My hips
99. My waist
100. My breasts

5 Good Things about Me

1. I am a good listener.

2. I am sexual.

3. I like to move my body (like walk/swim).

4. I am deeply spiritual.

5. I try. I try! I TRY ITRYitryitryitryitryitry!
This was CERTAINLY true of me going to London alone! It wound up being the HAPPIEST week of my LIFE!

Collage-Journal for This Morning


"Grasping at things can only yield one of two results:
Either the thing you are grasping at disappears,
or you yourself disappear.
-Sri Satya Narayan Goenka

"touch everything as if you are touching a buddha. for you are."
-----------------------

Monday, February 18, 2013

5 Good Things about Me

Hmmmm.
Let's see now.

1. I can play piano


2. I do not eat animals.


3. I am kind - hearted.


4. I make people laugh hysterically!


5. I never ever give up. Not ever.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Setting Priorities

One of our slogans is "first things first." We cannot have or do everything; we must set our priorities and choose what means the most to us.

Each of us needs to spend quiet time searching the inner self to determine which people, which activities, which tasks are most important. The results may surprise us. We may find that we are spending too much time with someone we really do not enjoy, preparing complicated meals which no one needs, working at a job which we dislike on order to make more money to buy more things.
Do we really need the things? Do they enrich our lives or are they merely impressive?

Because I am a compulsive overeater, abstinence is the most important thing in my life. Without it, I do not enjoy other people, I do not like myself, I do not work well. If abstinence does not come first, everything else suffers.

May I remember that abstinence is my number one priority.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time." Katharine Hepburn

Behaving the way we believe God wants us to behave sounds so easy on the surface. We don't willingly hurt others, do we? or do we? . . . When did we last secretly burn with jealousy over another's good fortune or good looks Has there been a time, recently, when we sulked for lack of attention . . . or perhaps picked a fight?

We can simplify life from this moment forth. There is only one path to walk, one decision to make, in every instance, and all our burdens will be lifted, all our anxiety released. We can decide to act in good faith. We can be silent a moment with ourselves and let our inner guide direct our behavior, our words, our thoughts.

Each of us knows, when we dare to let our spiritual nature reign, the right act in every case. Letting God choose our acts will ease our lives. No more obsessive confusion. No more regrets. no more immobility due to fear of wrong moves.

Freedom is guaranteed when I spend on God to direct my behavior. Life's burdens are lifted. I will go forth today, doing God's will, and my Spirit will be light.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. It is Sun. and I have done my 100. But I have more now. I am grateful that I did go to WW. I mean, not too phobic
2. And that I was well enough to.
3. That I paid back the 15 dollars I owed.
4. That it helped turn my depression around.
5. That I am feeling some A-jealousy right now but that is good; will help me find way to work it out
6. That I had a nice good safe and pleasant ride up and back
7. And got all that I needed at the supermarket
8. Right newar there
9. That WW is so convenient to my house
10. And the leader is so lovely and great
11. NAd the group so nice.
12. And positive
13. And it gets me out of myself
14. That my car worked
15. And had gas in it.
16. And I am home now.
17. And I bought some junky rags magazines too and that’s ok for now.
18. That I have the luxury of doing nothing else today if I want.
19. Can sit here and only do WW stuff
20. New VT magazine
21. And Prevention
22. And WW magazine too!
23. Monday am: Thank God for the feeling of being filled with love!
24. That A. got the time with his estranged daughter’s husband yesterday and it went so well.
25. That he was able to help the “kid” too.
26. I am grateful for this lovely talk I’m having with A right now. Totally appropriate. Warm. About families. Life and death…
27. That I have this week off.
28. That whether I want to face it of not, I DO have the power to change my life.
29. Appropriate adult sex fun. And lovemaking in love which is the best.
30. This: “Water is the softest thing, yet it can penetrate mountains and earth. This shows clearly the principle of softness overcoming hardness.” Lao Tzu
31. Reiki.
32. My spirituality.
33. How very spiritual I feel today.
34. Mindfulness
35. Meditation
36. And more in touch with my body too
37. And am getting better (from being sick)
38. And will do kitchen. Thoroughly. Totally.
39. And practice a little
40. And hang that amazing pic from the lovely student.
41. And it inspires me.
42. And I shall do SOMETHING artistic for 30 minutes today.
43. Beautiful pics I find online!
44. Facebook.
45. The people with whom I have such nice exchanges….
46. That I never did kill myself.
47. That I am able to see
48. And hear
49. And speak
50. And walk about my house
51. That I HAVE a house
52. And CAN go through
53. Laughter with friends
54. M. calling me from Florida this am
55. L. calling me.
56. I’m going to clean out kitchen. Thoroughly.
57. And I shall practice a little piano.
58. And I have a plan for every day this week.
59. To get things done.
60. WITH breaks.
61. And FUN next weekend!
62. Phew. And this laptop
63. And the soup I just ate. Hot in temp and in spices. I needed that.
64. That I can afford vitamins
65. And aspirin
66. And have been taking them for days now
67. And that they are helping
68. IMing
69. Texting
70. Emailing
71. Beautiful pictures
72. And paintings
73. And drawing
74. And that it turns out I am visual after all.
75. The time I worked at New York Hospital Psychiatric (Cornell). I loved that work. And was good at it too.
76. Ad the time I got to study and work at P.I. (Psychiatric Institute Columbia) I was selected. Only 2 in the country selected. So lucky
77. And earned it too.
78. And that I was one of the Top High School Students in the country and have the book.
79. And how proud my parents were of that
80. And some of it was because of my playing classical piano
81. And teaching
82. It
83. And volunteering at the orphanage!
84. Nice.
85. That I am a teacher.
86. And that my health allows me to be.
87. That I am starting to be more careful with money again.
88. Grateful for my WW leader
89. And my gym so nearby.
90. And the one with the zumba
91. And that have date for this coming weekend! Yay!
92. And maybe will even have some nice loving sex and orgasm!
93. That J. is still nice to me
94. NAd I will always be to him.
95. Electricity
96. Tv. It helps me not feel lonely
97. Water. So fortunate to have drinking water
98. Serious Skin Care Reverse Lift.
99. I use it very infrequently but it works AND does not use animal products
100. And does not test on animals
101. I have indoor plumbing.
102. The truth is, that every single thing I bought at the supermarket yesterday, is a LUXURY. Literally. I mean, sure we “need” toilet tissue. But people can LIVE without it. So even that!



Meditation Journal




Try This - I Heard it was great last time. I am registered.

Journal

I am so filled with love today.

Same old good and bad other feelings....

But filled with love.

Thank God for the feeling of being filled with love!