Saturday, April 30, 2011

My Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. That I did get to talk to Sp this morning, even though I woke up late.
2. And had the full 15 minutes.
3. And it was much more positive than yesterday (when I felt so bad)
4. And that I do not have to agree with everything he believes, or fight him on all of it. Like about how we’re hurting the planet *for ourselves. *
5. That so many people *are * doing so much to take care of our planet, even as I “speak.”
6. That I have done today’s meditation.
7. And step work.
8. And got out to a meeting.
9. And let dog out twice.
10. And enjoyed the smelling of the petunias.
11. And remembered to pray to God when I was – nervous? Starting to panic?
12. And that I took my mother to the bank.
13. And shopping.
14. And I shopped.
15. And maybe I won’t need anything (or almost nothing) or two weeks. Maybe just soy or almond milk, fruit, veggies? If that.
16. And that I have plenty of food.
17. And that M. called. I was meditated, and asked to call back and did but she didn’t answer, but she called. I felt less alone.
18. And that I’ve decided to finish that note (letter) and give it to J. I tried to ask God, and to sleep on it a lot, and to ask dr and M, and to find and use my intuition.
19. In today’s For Today: “Either the human begin must suffer and struggle as the price of a more searching vision, or his gaze must be shallow and without intellectual revelation.” Thomas de Quincey
20. And: “From the pain of compulsive overeating came abstinence; from turmoil, serenity.”
21. And: “As Bill W. writes, ‘Our better understanding I often rooted in the pains of our former follies…In God’s economy, nothing is wasted.”
22. And this: “Pain persists until I give up trying to do things my way. I am grateful for the suffering and struggling that brought me to this understanding. ‘Let go and let God’ is an idea I could never have accepted had I not paid the price exacted by my illness.” I still need some help really understanding the “Let go and let God,” but I’m happy for this whole sentiment.
23. And this beautiful thing: “For today: I am thankful that the pain of compulsive overeating gave me the vision not to try to change the world or other people or situations or even myself, but to do the footwork and leave change up to my Higher Power.”
24. Today’s In This Moment: “In this moment, I am lovable, loving and loved.”
25. “Sometimes my heart feels closed. I can’t feel the love that others, including my Higher Power, have for me.”
26. “In recovery, I learn to trust.”
27. “When I open myself up in safety, my heart opens as well. I realize I am lovable.”
28. “This love expands over time, and through my Higher Power, I feel a passion for my friends and family that I never felt before.”
29. “I am loving. When I feel the love others have for me, I realize I am loved.”
30. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “The amazing thing is that as I grow in this program, I find less and less to e angry about.” For Today p. 90
31. “Before OA I was angry all the time. Everything, including traffic, job challenges, fussy kids, or my uncooperative spouse would fill me with rage.”
32. “My family never knew when I would explode I consciously knew that the only way I thought I could calm down was to eat something…”’
33. “Then I found OA. Through my years of recovery I have learned to acknowledge and accept my anger, to work to figure out what caused it (either by talking or writing aobut it), and to get on with my life.”
34. “Now this process often only takes seconds.”
35. “I no longer even need to know why I am angry. I just am and I accept it. I don’t want my body to be in that state, so I change my thoughts.”
36. “The most marvelous thing is that I find I am angry less and less. I accept that everything in my life is exactly as it is supposed to be. My Higher Power knows what is right. So what is there to get angry about.” Wow.
37. I made my bed
38. I did a nice load of laundry
39. I made a huge tray of that veggie casserole
40. And posted the recipe on my blog
41. I made it through the day, even though J didn’t call
42. I learned about traditions, and especially 4, at the meeting
43. I took a valium when I needed to tonight
44. I haven’t really panicked all day
45. I did a load of dishes
46. I did speak to M for a few minutes
47. I can call other friends if I want to. Or just go to sleep
48. J’s phone seems to be off, and I didn’t go crazy.
49. I did leave a message, but whatever.
50. Tomorrow morning I will call again.
51. I loved loved loved the trees in early leaf on the parkway this morning.
52. I’m watching 2 ½ men and enjoying it
53. And will go to bed early
54. And get up early
55. Will put gas in my car tomorrow
56. Was able to ask about using debit cared at supermarket and getting back cash
57. Am exciting about the colorforms that are coming
58. Feel a little bad about down to 2 followers from 3 on my blog, but it’s okay
59. Tomorrow will take walk and post it on the Fitness thread.
60. Will do something every day in April. Yay.
61. I feel that I’m cute.
62. I’m glad I was able to share at the meeting the other night
63. And at today’s too.
64. Maybe will go to craft fair tomorrow?
65. Or park with Ph?
66. Or meeting and lunch with Ma?
67. Or meeting and lunch with others?
68. I am so very grateful that I have a sponsor who has a happy life!
69. Who doesn’t obsess about food, and has lost and kept off weight, but also has a happy life!
70. Who has had some horrible things in upbringing, and tragedy(s) in adulthood, but has found happiness.
71. And really lives the program every day.
72. And is generous enough to share it with me.
73. In a way, I feel like *I’m * the one who’s been going through a “Razor’s Edge” sort of thing these 3 months.
74. Kate Middleton said she wasn’t happy about it when William broke up with her for months, but that she grew, and you learn things about yourself.
75. That can happen for me too.
76. And now they are so happy together.
77. And we can be too.
78. Who knows what good is in store for me?
79. God is with me.
80. I am not alone.
81. I am contented sitting here in the neat surrounding, in the den looking at the l.r., and seeing the amazing oak tree and the leaves outside.
82. The birds were *so active * in song today! It was beautiful to hear
83. I saw more progress on the lilac bush.
84. Next will check side ones too : )
85. I like *some * of the same shows and movies that J. does
86. I am glad to be treasurer of a group. And I do see how service can be slimming.
87. I am about to eat my greens right now.
88. I am not hungry at all. But will eat them anyway.
89. And then go to bed.
90. And expect good dreams.
91. Might read a little in bed first.
92. Glad with be able to sleep with Ph tonight.
93. I am enjoying word mine
94. I was fine in the recycling place elevator, even coming back down without the guy
95. It was nice to see B Hat there. And to hug him.
96. I am happy that I like to dance.
97. And that I have rhthym.
98. And that these floors do look nice after all.
99. And I love to see people asleep, and waking up on tv.
100. And cute little dogs. Too. I enjoy it.
101. Hope.
102. Hope hope hope.
103. God and Mary back into my life.
104. My become more open-hearted.

My Affirmations Today

I am a child of God
J is a child of God
We can treat ourselves as such
We can treat each other as such

I am a child of God
J is a child of God
We can treat ourselves as such
We can treat each other as such

I am a child of God
J is a child of God
We can treat ourselves as such
We can treat each other as such

I am a child of God
J is a child of God
We can treat ourselves as such
We can treat each other as such

I am a child of God
J is a child of God
We can treat ourselves as such
We can treat each other as such

I am a child of God
J is a child of God
We can treat ourselves as such
We can treat each other as such

I am good enough
God made me
I am enough
I have enough
I have all the conditions for happiness
I have a happy marriage with J

I am good enough.
God made me.
I am enough.
i have enough.
i have all the conditions for happiness.
I have a happy marriage with J.

I am good enough
God made me
I am enough
I have enough
I have all the conditions for happiness
I have a happy marriage with J

I am good enough.
God made me.
I am enough.
I have enough.
I have all the conditions for happiness.
I have a happy marriage with J.

I am good enough
God made me
I am enough
I have enough
I have all the conditions for happiness
I have a happy marriage with J.

I am a good wife.
I am kind and cheerful and fun.
I am delightful to be around.
I am lovable.

I am a good wife.
I am kind and cheerful and fun.
I am delightful to be around.
I am lovable.

I am a good wife.
I am kind and cheerful and fun.
I am delightful to be around.
I am lovable.

I am a good wife.
I am kind and cheerful and fun.
I am delightful to be around.
I am lovable.

I am a good wife.
I am kind and cheerful and fu.
I am delightful to be around.
I am lovable.

Great Way to Get in Greens

Broccoli Casserole

Pre-heat oven to 375
Defrost frozen broccoli, like a whole bag
Throw into casserole dish
Add a slice of Ezekial bread
A sprinkle of breadcrumbs
A bit of Earth Balance, dotted about
Cover
Bake for 35 minutes
Yummy and more than one serving
IMPROVED!:
only 2 - 3 measured teaspoons Earth Balance (use 1/2 teaspoon measure, so can dot around)
and 2 teaspoons olive oil
Still yum!

Veggie Casserole
Pre-heat oven to 375
Put into microwave safe dish, one box frozen spinach, about same amount frozen collards, less than that of frozen green beans and of frozen artichoke hearts
Defrost
Add a slice of Ezekial bread
A sprinkle of breadcrumbs
A bit of Earth Balance, dotted about
Cover
Bake for 35 minutes
Yummy, and get 4 servings out of this!

Alternatives to try.
Add broccoli to the Veggie Casserole.
Keep making it less and less rich.
Maybe some olive oil and even less Earth Balance.

Other Veggies that might be good in this kind of thing:
Cauliflower
Swiss chard?
Zucchini?

Yesterday's Hundred Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

I am grateful:

1. That I got some good notes from the royal wedding
2. That I am praying to God. And may God be with us.
3. That I’ve been watching the royal wedding today.
4. That I had a lot of extra cuddle time with Ph this morning.
5. That R is no longer our principal
6. That my breathing isn’ as nervous as earlier this morning
7. That I see *leaves * outside the l.r. window right now! First time. I think they’re leaves!
8. That maybe the dr will say my thumb is staying all right?
9. As soon as I stepped outside this morning, I could smell flowers.
10. And I did step outside.
11. And it felt good even moving.
12. And I did get the garbage out. And on time!
13. And I sniffed a yellow tulip inside it on the way back up the stairs. It was such a subtle yet lovely scent.
14. And I sniffed the petunias by the door, and it was a beautiful aroma!
15. I did do my 10 minutes of step work for today (which was reading – looked online, found to read from p. 86 “Upon awakening” to end of chapter.
16. Did my work on letter for J
17. Watched royal wedding
18. I spoke with J this morning
19. And he sounded good – and open to me!
20. I felt hope
21. I felt happy when we hung up, still
22. Had good hand dr appointment
23. The hope and happiness stayed with me
24. I even napped this afternoon with it
25. Spoke with M and really seriously asked her to really pray
26. Am sitting here smiling.
27. Sitting here smiling during Oprah show about royal wedding
28. I just made Ph happy
29. I took care of all my responsibilities this week
30. Hope
31. Sharing my little recipe and somebody getting it, and liking it
32. Sharing about the royal wedding online
33. Ma called about Sunday for meeting and lunch if I want
34. I’m liking Seinfeld.
35. And – I think I just saw another one I’ve never seen before
36. I just found Colorforms!
37. And I bought some
38. For me *and * the class!
39. And I’m going to buy a butterfly kit for J!
40. I think he’ll love it
41. And I’m going to plan a year of romance for him – if/when he comes back or starts dating me again!
42. It’s nice out today – nice cool brieeze
43. I ate lots of greens today. Too much food, but lots of greens
44. My mother *did * like Kate’s wedding dress after all
45. Very cuddly Ph
46. Ph liking the smell of “The Pea” on me the other night
47. Me still smiling remembering my time with Je yesterday
48. Enjoying those shows I liked
49. I lived through the day
50. And felt better at some points.
51. I am growing. Inside myself
52. Plus some of it had to do with my talk with J.
53. I felt a tremendous sense of relief. I have wanted that (and more of it) for a very long time.
54. I have a nice rapport with that dr, whom the two others I know who went with him, say has no bedside manner at all.
55. I was cheerful to others all day
56. Nobody was mean to me all day
57. I had a nice chat with the other lady in the waiting room
58. The people who work at the desk accepted me too. And laughed with me.
59. I was ok at home alone
60. I kept things neat
61. I am excited about the colorforms that are going to come. For me and the kids
62. I have a new puzzle I can do if I want
63. Or the dolls/dollhouse stuff.
64. I can make a good list and shop and cook some *whole foods * to have today and tomorrow and for the week.
65. Simple stuff. I’m more in the body for (as opposed to the mood or mind for) less rich foods
66. I am still thinking about Oreos and about vegan ice cream but have not had either!
67. That I can sew
68. That soon it will be the weather/sun for me to wear my hat
69. That there will be more good tv on today *if I need it *
70. Or I can paint
71. or draw
72. or color patterns
73. Or take Ph to the park
74. That I have started a list of things *I’d * *really * like to do.
75. And they include horseback riding (again) (fearlessly and galloping, which I did love)
76. That cross-country trip the way J described it. Wow. I really am changing. (I wonder if he would like it. And if it could be good for his business. We could bring Ph, and I could bring *a few * good things to do while he’s working. It sounds nice).
77. Sky-diving. I really said that!
78. See England.
79. I don’t feel like I need an ashram.
80. J has not given up on me/on us. Thank you, God.
81. My Royal Doultons. The Royal Doulton in my dream last night
82. Ph leaning against me in bed.
83. My dr. commenting on the “nice” things in my breakfront.
84. The way my d.r. table looks right now.
85. And my coffee table
86. I will get to laundry today.
87. And shop for new clothes very soon!
88. And I will clean this weekend. If I can’t figure out the vacuum business, then I’ll do it like I did last time.
89. And maybe clean the floors with that cleaner, too.
90. And cook some stuff (did I already say that? I’ll do extra just in case), Even if it is very very simple and only one day at at time.
91. If I cannot get my shopping/cooking list done in time, I’ll take my mother and I’ll go later or tomorrow morning (depending on whether I’m going to the charity event) or whatever.
92. I will call Sp in 10 minutes and apologize that I didn’t get up in time to call.
93. Whatever I put before my recovery, I will lose. I will always do these things first each day.
94. And I must start eating less. Pray for the help.
95. But! But for one slip, I have not had a bite of junk in like – almost 2 months?
96. And veganism helps me with that.
97. That lady I read about who helps the wolves.
98. And gets to “live” with them.
99. And change people’s perceptions of them, those beautiful creatures.
100. The recycling plant had some hopeful, encouraging things to say.
101. Childen are being taught to care for Mother Earth.
102. I think M and I *will * get our summer days (2?) and will do stuff
103. And have fun with it
104. And it’ll be great for the kids.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Today's One Hundred Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. Did I skip yesterday’s For Today reading? Uh oh. Oh well, I did find time for a good Ph walk, putting out the paper recycling, and a shower. Anyway, it says: “I do not have to act on every thought; feelings need not paralyze me.”
2. And, “Each time I do what I have to do, I become stronger.”
3. And, “When I face indecision, I ask God for an intuitive thought, a direction.” Good.
4. And, “It is inspiring to realize that, apart from nature, all that is good and beautiful in this world has come from human inventions and discoveries. What solutions are within me?” Okay, that helps.
5. “For Today: To find my own strengths, I put aside the rigid ideas and prejudices that limit my thinking.” I think, no I’m sure, I’ve started to do that.
6. In today’s For Today it says, “Great individuals are in a state of complete freedom from themselves; their character defects do not control them.”
7. “They seem to live entirely in the now, giving full attention and energy to the present moment.”
8. “Humility is trying to do God’s will as I see it,to the best of my ability, at all times, in all places.”
9. Maybe someone reading my blog will be helped by some of these quotes too.
10. I know I have inspired some of the parents with whom I’ve worked, and for that I’m grateful. (Some have even told me so).
11. In today’s Voices of Recovery it says, “True comfort is to be found in the balance and sanity of abstinence. So deep and pure is this comfort that it is well whatever trouble or pain I might have to pass through to attain it.” (from For Today p. 253).
12. And: “Abstinence brings such peace and freedom to my life. It brings the simplicity of being able to wear anything in my closet, of not wanting to lie when I have to list my weight on my driver’s license. The years of insomnia and nightmares are over because abstinence gives me the courage to be a person I respect and like, the integrity to align my actions with my values.”
13. And it goes on to say: “So when the seas of my life get stormy, I remember the phrase, ‘Abstinence is a lifeboat. Stay in the lifeboat.’ My disease used to tempt me into thinking being abstinent ‘made me’ feel the pain. Today, I understand that the more uncomfortable my feelings, the greater the freedom I’ll experience by walking through the situation abstinently. Now the time and energy I spent running is available for experiencing joy. For today, I treasure my abstinence.”
14. Igot to work safely.
15. I was nice to the kids though I felt awful
16. I think in looking at my food I will find out why
17. I was not an nice as *I’d * like to be
18. I got the deadline F. stuff done. (The rest I’ll do by Monday)
19. Though shy, I did tell the parents where I’d be
20. They answered so nicely.
21. I made it on the bus trip without much nausea
22. The trip went fall. All were safe. Learned. Enjoyed.
23. Got to do my sub plans, and well. And thoroughly, I think.
24. I did the elevator.
25. It went fine.
26. I was fine.
27. The buds are further along on the oak tree. In one day!
28. The lilacs are coming out in the back! Yay!
29. The tulips are still there (though the storm yesterday did bend them over).
30. I escaped the pouring rain. Didn’t get drenched at all.
31. Did go back to M in computer room, and say would do whatever it was she needed, and would do the rest of my work at home in evening.
32. And it was to watch J. And she *did * stay.
33. I was able to have her enjoy a puzzle, and I read two books to her..
34. And she read the word Moo by herself.
35. I feel good that I did the little mitzvah.
36. And although I hate to babysit, I loved being with her.
37. And she seems happy.
38. And Ji came and is so adorable and seems to be talking more! Yay.
39. I’ve been up since 4, and will watch the royal wedding,
40. Then o for my appointment (hand)
41. I am off today
42. Afternoon can take mother to bank and shopping.
43. We have an F. pre-meeting scheduled. (May the real meeting go well).
44. I have decided my body wants/needs simpler food.
45. I hae truly asked God for help this morning.
46. I did start this day on my knees.
47. I did say the God our Father prayer.
48. And I did say the prayer to the Blessed Mother.
49. I did read the For Today.
50. And it says: “I captained myself right into an obsession with food that wrecked most of my hopes and plans.”
51. And ,“Having surrendered that obsession to God, I became free to live as I had hoped and dreamed.”
52. And, “God’s will frees me from my self-destructive willfulness; it takes nothing good away from me.
53. And this: “I gladly seek God’s will for me, in place of that blind self-will which can so easily lead me to the brink of disaster.”
54. It says in In This Moment: “Today I view conflict and controversy as opportunity for growth.” That’s something I kind of took care of with D the other day regarding recess. Next time want to feel ess anger though. Or at least breathe it, right awy.
55. In Voices of Recovery: “We will no longer simply do what we feel like doing or what we think we can get away with. Instead, we will earnestly ask to learn God’s will for us, then we will act accordingly.” OA 12 & 12 p. 24
56. And: “Step Three is about commitment.”
57. And, “most compulsive overeaters find it difficult to keep their word. The first three Steps relate to building a foundation with God and to rebuilding our houses.”
58. “Commitment is crucial for the work that lies ahead in putting the house in order with Steps Four through Nine. What I once was able to eat or do before I took Step Three is no longer possible once I sign he contract with my Higher Power.” Yes. But for one slip, true for me so far!
59. “Something happens when I have crossed the threshold and can no longer deny the truth about myself.”
60. “I become real, honest, and true.”
61. “In keeping that commitment, I have left the old self behind and must be willing to heed the voice of the new, recovering me.” Wow to each of these.
62. April 29: “Upset over the quality of my relationships, I was asked to examine defensive thoughts and actions that separated me from others.”
63. “As long as I concentrated on the defects of other people, I was told, I would feel reluctant to ask for –and unworthy to receive – the help I needed.”
64. “Sometime early in life, knowing that I lacked any effective defense against the urge to continually satisfy my selfish desires drove me shamefully inward.”
65. “I fiercely protected that ssecret and learned to recognize that dark side in others like me.. I sensed their awkwardness, and rather than identify myself as a kindred spirit, I exploited that knowledge in an attemp to feel superior.”
66. “By alienating myself from fellow sufferers, my isolation guaranteed that the root causes of my addiction would go undetected, and they eventually overwhelmed me.”
67. “Today I know that I share a common problem. Through listening to others like me and giving of myself, I find my Higher Power and my recovery.”
68. In This Moment April 28: “For one day, I ‘ll ignore my shame, fear, and doubts – and just do it.” I think I know what I have to do. Like that day walking at Tibbetts all those years ago.
69. I will find the courage. I will ask God for help. And listen to follow it. And do it.
70. I did read In This Moment today.
71. I did read Voices of Recovery today.
72. I did pray for the people on my list (as always) today.
73. I did my Affirmations today.
74. I did not put the royal wedding first, but my morning work. Good.
75. Ph, although cried when heard the alarm and I rolled, at 3:50, did get up at like 4:10 to get her treat: )
76. I gave it to her.
77. She liked it.
78. She then went back to bed.
79. And is happy there now, I think.
80. I am smiling right now. Yay.
81. There was enough coffee for this morning.
82. I woke up. Am alive.
83. There is hope.
84. I will get to my 10 minutes of step work.
85. And my meditation.
86. And the things I have to do today.
87. I have been keeping up with the dishes.
88. And the putting stuff away.
89. And except for yesterday, when I wanted the dog to have it, making the bed.
90. And putting gas in my car.
91. I will do laundry today. Enough.
92. And I have been better about showering.
93. And my hair.
94. I did give F a dra yesterday.
95. The news at the BU meeting wasn’t all bad. Good.
96. I didn’t overtalk so much (or at all?)
97. The meditation community online is better than last time. More sharing (on topic).
98. I was okay through this vacation. Some sad times, but made it.
99. And it didn’t fly by.
100. And I did what I had to do, mostly.
101. I have truly asked with open heart for help with abstinence today.
102. And more deeply taken the first 3 steps.

My Affirmations Today

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

I am good enough.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
J. and I are happy together.
I can do this.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

My Affirmations Today

I am good.
I am good enough.
God made me.
I am improving.
J loves me.

I am good.
I am good enough.
God made me.
I am improving.
J loves me.

I am good.
I am good enough.
God made me.
I am improving.
J loves me.

I am good.
I am good enough.
God made me.
I am improving.
J loves me.

I am good.
I am good enough.
God made me.
I am improving.
J loves me.

Life is fun.

Yesterday's Hundred Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

I am grateful:

1. The beautiful flowery scent when I walked outside to bring down the paper recycling today.
2. I think it was the petunias and when I came back up on one of my trips and put my nose to one, it smelled beautiful.
3. I brought all of it down. 3 months worth.
4. In open containers. They should take it.
5. Maybe this horrible feeling, like where is j right now, what time it is there…is something I * have to * go through. Like when he was in Ca, and I was watching baseball games, and going out with others… but none of it wholeheartedly, really just, in beginning, miserable missing him, and later, miserable missing him and happy he was back in my life, and just filing time to wait for him.
6. I just heard the truck and looked outside and saw them take my paper recycling. Yay!
7. I did it!
8. And – no judgment, no rifling through, no nothing. Just threw it on the truck. Like any worthwhile person’s paper recycling. Yay.
9. They just stopped right here at my house and took it.
10. Also, I love seeing the tulips closed up in the evening and early morning, and opened during the day.
11. Someone on ea online mentioned (yesterday?) that she was impressed by the poster who talked about 100 gratitudes and thought she should try as has difficulty getting even 10 (just as I used to). That poster was, of course, me, and I was writing to answer someone else. But maybe have helped this person and/or others too : )
12. Sp reminded me again today: “I can be as happy as I make up my mind to be.” Abraham Lincoln.
13. And had me look up the phrase about resentment, and we read a paragraph: Big Book p. 64. “Resentment is the ‘number one’ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.” Bill W (?)
14. Good talk with Sp today. Although I don’t want Sp to be sad (!) it was at the same time nice to here Sp speak of my fortune in loving my mother.
15. And my memory about the pizza through the window days, and now the I-bring-her-food-through-the-window
16. M and I got our grant proposal work done today, in time for the deadline! Hard, but done!
17. And, it’s been signed off on by other M, and T is sending it over to make sure it gets there tomorrow
18. The Oprah show today – about 20 years younger (looking? being?)
19. What I’m learning from it right now about Exercise, Nutrition, Skin care, and Sleep
20. My dr came
21. He said it won’t hurt anything if I make my proposal to J
22. I feel I have to
23. I will prepare it tomorrow
24. He also said I can ask about going to help at the event Sat
25. I did get to the meeting last night
26. I saw M and R and other M and other J and still other M and H and there were about 11 or more of us there
27. And I got to make nice with “The Pea” afterward, the little cutie (dog)
28. And I got home safely
29. And although not enough, I did sleep last night
30. Tonight I can choose whatever I want. There are two oa and two coda meetings. I can go to any of them or even a certain two of them, or none of them
31. I can take my mother shopping tomorrow (probably) to free up the whole day Sat for the event or if ot, then for myself
32. I really do like the idea M and I are using for the summer work
33. And possibly option a
34. I *want * to do it. It’s *not * just for money
35. I’m glad I went to the S meeting the other day
36. And that I participated.
37. And, like that, for the phrase, “Every time I step outside of my comfort zone, it grows.”
38. And the fact that M likes it too
39. I am sitting here
40. Alive
41. On comfy sofa
42. With coffee
43. And lamp with stones in it
44. And the birds singing outside
45. My laptop on my lap
46. Breathing
47. Every part of my body, inside and out, working. And for all that I am grateful
48. I finally saw buds on the oak tree! Yesterday!
49. This morning is a trip. While that makes me nervous, it is also pretty easy.
50. And I am grateful for the forewarning so I can try to get us back on time.
51. This afternoon will be nice too (must check schedule but it will be nice)
52. At lunch I will finish the F things
53. At prep I will do the sub plans. If I can’t get to the sub plans because the F thing takes too long, I will do them at home and e-mail them in.
54. All will be well.
55. All is well.
56. Tomorrow I will watch some of the royal wedding
57. Then get my hand checked.
58. Then take my mother to the store (and bank?) (hopefully).
59. Then either just chill out, or go out and see someone (MA?)
60. I never give up on the hundred gratitudes
61. I showed my blog to my dr yesterday
62. We are beginning to make progress with our research
63. I am taking better care of myself than I have for years.
64. It has started to make a difference inside.
65. Maybe a touch outside.
66. Or soon at least.
67. The e-mail came yesterday, and the dra stuff is moved up, so I can go higher…
68. My dr noticed right away that I’d cleaned
69. And said something twice
70. I made delicious veggies last night. Took spinach, green beans, collards, and artichoke hearts, 2 slices Ezekial broken up, dabs (too many lol) of Earth Balance, and sprinkle of breadcrumbs (less than last time with the broccoli) and cooked at pre-heated 375 for 35 minutes. Yum.
71. And more for today.
72. For lunch I will throw in a vegan burger, and have protein, veggies, and grain.
73. I put less of the breadcrumbs, and next time I will pur less of the Earth Balance.
74. The bagel shop being closed is actually good for me, I think.
75. I had images of Oreos, and even of leaving the meeting early to go and get some, in my head last night for a good portion of the meeting. *So I passed the first time around.
76. I listened.
77. Then I spoke.
78. I’m glad I shared.
79. I got good reactions.
80. And I think I was one of the helps to the newcomer.
81. And I didn’t get the Oreos! Yay.
82. Gave Ph her treat this morning, and filled her food bow.
83. R nodded when I shared about the paper recycling.
84. And G(?) newcomer, said something like, “we all understand about clutter.”
85. Of course my bigger point wasn’t the clutter, it was the pathetic feeling that even my garbage would be rejected, but still it was nice to be acknowledged.
86. Ma tried to save me from M. M is nice, but I think she’s kind of crazy, and do not want to confide in her. Also, I don’t want just physical recovery. I *do * want physical recovery! But not *just. *
87. I have thought of, “I have arrived. I am home,” as walking at times now. I think at least once every day.
88. I believe my kids will like the trip today.
89. R was able to self-advocate about clay allergy yesterday.
90. I was able to kid and self advocate with D about that recess nonsense.
91. But I should have taken out the horn, and will next time. I’m grateful that I know that.
92. Hope.
93. My legs feel like they’re stronger again.
94. And my muscles have started to feel good.
95. I have some friends. Should have more? More oa? I don’t know, but I’m glad I have friends.
96. And that I seem to be accepting ore, that no one is perfect.
97. And I’m so grateful to have the right Sponsor for me.
98. And for my morning work
99. And that tomorrow I can take out the garbage.
100. And for the squirrels and bunnies and chipmunks and all springtime animals.
101. And our nature table
102. And Jor, who is bringing in things every day
103. And that I don’t stress about it – in fact I think it’s kind of fun that these things will do what they do, and it will become sort of fossilized
104. And that J *got me * that table

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My Affirmations Today

I am whole.
I am good enough.
I am enough.
I have enough.
J. loves me.
We have a happy marriage.

I am whole.
I am good enough.
I am enough.
I have enough.
J. loves me.
We have a happy marriage.

I am whole. I am good enough.
I am enough.
I have enough.
J. loves me.
we have a happy marriage.

I am whole.
I am good enough.
I am enough.
I have enough.
J. loves me.
We have a happy marriage.

I am whole.
I am good enough.
I am enough.
I have enough.
J. loves me.
We have a happy marriage.

I am whole.
I am good enough.
I am enough.
I have enough.
J. loves me.
We have a happy marriage.

I am whole.
I am good enough.
I am enough.
I have enough.
J. loves me.
We have a happy marriage.

I am whole.
I am good enough.
I am enough.
I have enough.
J. loves me.
We have a happy marriage.

Yesterday's Hundred Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

I am grateful:

1. That they talked last night about if you work the program it does work.
2. Every one of the shares about the tools was great.
3. There was such recovery in that room.
4. And a spirit of positivity.
5. And M. felt it too.
6. And lives have changed.
7. It says in today’s For Today, “As always, I remain abstinent, accepting things as they are and reaffirming that I have placed my life in God’s hands.”
8. It says in todays Voices of Recovery, “What would I like such a power to be and do in my life? …Then we began to act as if such a power existed and we found good things happening to us as a result.” OA 12 & 12 p. 14
9. And it says “…let go, wait, and act as if.”
10. And “…do the footwork, turn it over, and allow God to take care of the results.”
11. And “The times when I allow God to do this magic are when miraculous things begin to happen.” This is one of my favorite things I’ve ever read. That’s why I’ve underlined it.
12. That I was abstinent yesterday!
13. Wow. That I was somehow able to do another 20 minutes of adding the stuff to Step Four this morning. Wow. It leaves me breathless, and I’m grateful that I was able to do it.
14. My lunch was healthy and delicious. A portion of my broccoli casserole, but with real Ezekial bread in it too, and a vegan burger as well.
15. M and I started writing our grant proposal for summer days with pay.
16. The meeting at lunchtime was okay.
17. I feel a breeze on me right now.
18. We did have outdoor recess, and part o the time there was a breeze.
19. I did have and wear my sunglasses.
20. Still, lately, my breath is really going more deeply and cleanly into my lungs. And I’m so grateful for that.
21. I think my kids had some good fun while learning today.
22. They are loving the book Helen Keller, as do I.
23. And I figured out to get the dvd and JUST show the meeting Annie scene (DOLL and locking in room), the food fight scene, the W-A-T-E-R scene, and the last scene).
24. M brought her whole calss in while wwe were practicing our states song. And it was fun (for all of us, I think).
25. Sp says sees big difference in my, from not just a year ago, like I think, but from 3 months ago even.
26. I *will * take Ph somewhere on leash (and maybe off) after school today. I must and I wll.
27. And I *will * put out the paper recycling tomorrow. I will.
28. And the garbage Friday. I will.
29. And I’m grateful for seeing M. do the garbage last may at her house and all that she does and it helped to inspire me to do more but also about what counts. “What are you trying to accomplish here?” as she says her father says.
30. Some things about the kids, like H’s smile and apparent happiness and comfort in my class.
31. W’s sweetness and saying C (12 -13 years old) “is just a nice guy.” So wholesome.
32. F. trying so hard, and doing better, and me being nice to him
33. Cl so sweet and dear and innocent
34. PS hearing Ph drink up her water so heartily right now.
35. Back to them: R singing Twinkle Twinkle
36. R being such a good kid, and actually joking (appropriately_ with me lately; feeling that good.
37. T writing her “persuasive letter” to *God * for other people in the world
38. Tay is back. And I love her. And I think she feels it. She’s a good heart, and I will put her someplace safe and make sure that teacher knows it.
39. E trying to sneak a ride on the chair while moving the meeting room table with that teacher yesterday. Very 2nd gr
40. D “Now that’s a multiplication table.”
41. Q being who he is and not wanting to change it (it appears) and who he is is a bit serious but still able to try to manipulate to get out of class with a friend (like bathroom or drink)
42. Their friendship
43. Al – a good kid with caring parents. Uncomplicated
44. M – affectionate, always holding my hand while we walk. Smart, cute, fun Can’t spell but we’ll see.
45. A – really seeming to come into her own this year. Yay.
46. That brunette in M’s class who loves me
47. Ma is feeling better about himself
48. J os doing so much better! I think she’s gonna be fine!
49. J shorter name seems happy and is thriving. And beginning to understand about being less obsessed about everything (may I too☺)
50. K – I’m being more patient to hear everything she has to say
51. An is much less wild than he used to be. But I don’t think I’ve broken his spirit. And I send him on more errands now – so he *can * use his energy and feel good.
52. J was less tired yesterday than the day before. And when I watch him in his “free” time, he does seem happy.
53. That while very slow yesterday, my laptop is working
54. That I got sleep last night. Lacking for a few nights.
55. That I think with my changes, there is hope for me and J. And so does my dr. And M. And MA.
56. Maybe I can work that event with him Sat?
57. That I spoke with my mother both am and pm yesterday
58. And maybe I can take her shopping Fri!
59. Fri I get to watch the royal wedding!
60. And see my hand doctor!
61. Mrs. Er said I should come by for coffee
62. So did Chris G
63. And the last two times with St, she seemed to like it (as do I). So I could probably do that again too
64. I haven’t killed myself. I am grateful for this.
65. I *have * been doing my meditation every single morning
66. I *have * been getting 100 gratitudes a day. Despite everything. And really, there are more (nothing finite; just choice to limit to a hundred)
67. Today is double prep day, yay.
68. I told Ma that P did the right thing.
69. A seems happier in her life these years
70. So does Ma
71. My plants in the classroom are doing fine. I’ll repot during the summer, when I’m summering them outside here
72. When I drive up to the house now, I see two batches of tulips, and hanging peturnias. Nice.
73. I am going to have a nice marriage.
74. With J.
75. I do my Affirmations every day.
76. These hours of work each morning *are * helping me. Thank God.
77. I am about to put out the paper recycling, and walk Ph! Yay.
78. Because of Daily Om and Recovery meditation, and EA online (for now at least), there is at least something in my e-mail every single day.
79. I am comfy in these “jammies.”
80. I was able to miss that book course yesterday and get home to Ph. No penalty. And will still read the book.
81. Which some people did like.
82. I had a good amount of broccoli yesterday. And protein. Too much food, but a good amount of broccoli and protein.
83. And although sorely tempted, no junk.
84. And no soda (which is really also junk).
85. I *will * shower this morning.
86. And see my dr later.
87. I will come home and let Ph out, and sit in the l.r. and work on my “letter” from my digital recorder and notes here, and show it to my dr. or at least tell him the idea
88. And probably go to the meeting tonight.
89. And get enough sleep.
90. And have healthy dinner
91. I have comfy places to set. Indoors and soon out. What wealth that is on this earth.
92. There is enough oxygen for me.
93. And greenery.
94. I hear the birds singing right now.
95. M’s smile.
96. People who keep confidences.
97. My J.
98. My mother
99. My father
100. My Noni
101. All my sponsor, Am
102. And S
103. And B
104. And R
105. And L
106. And B
107. And L

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

My Affirmations Today

I am good enough.
i am growing.
I am changing.
I am improving.
I am enough.
I have enough.
I have all the conditions for happiness.
J loves me.
I am lovable.
God made me.
God loves me.
J and I are in a strong and happy marriage forever.
I am fine.
All is well.

I am good enough.
I am growing.
I am changing
I am improving.
I am enough.
I have enough.
I have all the conditions for happiness.
J. loves me.
I am lovable.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. and I are in a strong and happy marriage forever.
I am fine.
All is well.

I am good enough.
I am growing.
I am changing.
I am improving.
I am enough.
I have enough.
I have all the conditions for happiness.
J. loves me.
I am lovable.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. and I are in a strong and happy marriage forever.
I am fine.
All is well.

I am good enough.
I am growing.
I am changing.
I am improving.
i am enough.
I have enough.
I have all the conditions for happiness.
J. loves me.
I am lovable.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. and I are in a strong and happy marriage forever.
I am fine.
All is well.

I am good enough.
I am growing.
I am changing.
I am improving.
I am enough.
I have enough.
I have all the conditions for happiness.
J. loves me.
I am lovable.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. and I are in a strong and happy marriage forever.
I am fine.
All is well.

I am good enough.
I am growing.
I am changing.
I am improving.
I am enough.
I have enough.
I have all the conditions for happiness.
J. loves me.
I am lovable.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. and I are in a strong and happy marriage forever.
I am fine.
All is well.

I am good enough.
I am growing.
I am changing.
I am improving.
I am enough.
I have enough.
I have all the conditions for happiness.
J. loves me.
I am lovable.
God made me.
God loves me.
J. and I are in a strong and happy marriage forever.
I am fine.
All is well.

Yesterday's Hundred Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

I am grateful:

1. That I woke up and able enough, after a paxil and 2 valiums last night, to make coffee.
2. In today’s Voices of Recovery, it says, “I have come to realize over years in program that if I don’t do these activities that support and maintain my abstinence, I may lose my abstinence.” I need this reminder of how important my abstinence is.
3. And, “If that happens, I will become the pitiful, unattractive, unhappy person I was before coming to OA.” And I am grateful to be reminded that this is why.
4. I did my meditation. And I wasn’t as resistant as usual, yay. And it was nice.
5. That I just did my 20 minutes step four work (putting in things I needed to add), even though it’s *so * hard.
6. And that I felt relief after doing.
7. I have made the times with Sp to do the fifth step. And Sp says it will take as many sessions as it takes. I ‘ve done the work, and now we have to get rid of it. That’s good.
8. And said, “I hope your mama gets really well.”
9. And now I’ll get dressed and get on the road to work and that’s good.
10. Sp also said about regrets and that we can’t live in them because, “Hold on. You’re talking to me about yesterday…” Must live in today. Cannot undo. There is no yesterday (or tomorrow, except for planning)
11. That when I walked into the classroom just now, it had that nice smell, I don’t know that elementary classroom smell. Almost crayons…
12. That walking to and from the car/DD on the way here, and into school too, I walking like a person, an adult, a woman. Mindfully, like I am where I am *in that moment. * This is good.
13. That m did call back this morning, and can do the meeting later.
14. Now I just have to figure out the whens and how, regarding little Ph, *which I *can * do *
15. That I bought a cup of tea, and am enjoying it right now. Nice warm tea. Plain. Umm.
16. I meant to bring the pasta fagioli to work for lunch, but went to heat it and it was the “that soup.” Good : )
17. It was good to be ere so far today.
18. M and I will go tonight.
19. “Just do the next right thing.” That’s all I have to do, is just do the next right thing.
20. I have been abstinent so far today.
21. And I did get to do all my morning spiritual/growth stuff this morning.
22. And I made the bed and took care of this morning’s dishes and left everything neat.
23. I have been hugged and hand-held by innocent kids : )
24. I am sitting here with a soft breeze
25. And lovely greenery outside the windows and trees,
26. And a bright cheerful rugh that I picked out myself
27. And a new enough globe
28. And great maps
29. And a SmartBoard
30. And 3 desktops
31. And 1 laptop
32. All here right where I work
33. And my lunch meeting was very quick
34. And then I got to go to the faculty room for lunch
35. And we laughed
36. My after-school meeting should be quick
37. It should be reasy to get to where I need to meet M later
38. And then to get to oa with M later
39. And when I get home, Ph will be there
40. Yay for M’s and my idea for really useful Prof. Dev. day(s) this summer
41. And for me just calling my mother to tell her I’ll be bringing her a piece of spanikopita, which she called “that pie”
42. And she was so happy about it
43. And I just spoke with J
44. And I was able to full-heartedly wish him a wonderful, happy, free, enjoyable, fun time.
45. And he did give me his info that he knew, hotel and flight stuff, which I now have in my purse
46. I will eat a little something extra green and a piece of spanikopita tonight
47. And if I “need” something when get back from meeting, I can have 2 – 4 pieces of the little who wh bread with pb and/or garlic hummus and/or Smart Balance
48. I feel almost a little excited right now. Don’t know why. Not sure if it’s a little empathing of J, or a cover-up for my sadness, or something else unhealthy. Or real because I’m picturing us working it out and going away and having fun ourselves someday (pretty soon?) and
49. I’m not so scared of the travel and flights and stuff like that anymore.
50. P. will be saying today that she is the one who made the mistake
51. I am grateful for my health.
52. And my sanity.
53. And that I am not in a psych ward, never have been, and probably never will be
54. And that Jo said (as J suspected) that I will not lose info form the digital recorder by changing the batteries.
55. IF I am terribly lonely and feel like I don’t know what to do with myself, I can read the book for the book course, and/or start my paper OR
56. More Importantly: I can start those notes for J.
57. And can show them to dr on Wed.
58. I am grateful for fresh water and that I don’t have to worry about whether/how will have sustenance this day.
59. I am grateful that I brought my mother the spinach pie and she was so happy.
60. And that I had some too and it was a good dinner.
61. And that I’ve put the broccoli casserole into the oven, and will turn off the oven just before I leave.
62. And that there is still some hope, thank God.
63. That, I expect, Sp will be there for me tomorrow morning.
64. And this week will pass.
65. And I said some good things into the digital recorder (today) (and before?.)
66. And P did say she’d made the mistake, and the meeting went fine.
67. That I was able to thank her, and even say, “God bless you.”
68. That she appreciated my thanks so much. She felt good.
69. That You must have helped her do the right thing.
70. That I did get to the library to meet M, just fine, even with the near-mishap on the highway on the way.
71. That she was on time
72. She drove fine.
73. Had a route she could take (she can’t do highways).
74. We got there safely.
75. And on time.
76. And on the way to the library, I (noticed * the beautiful greenery along the sides.
77. That the meeting was fabulous.
78. And she loved it too.
79. And the person I was hoping she might like, not that it should be any of my business, she did, and that person approached her and offered to sponsor, and they talked…
80. That both shares helped me.
81. And I got to see Sh.
82. And to but “Just for Today” little card for myself.
83. And for her.
84. And
Think First card for myself.
85. And for her.
86. And to make sure she got a Newcomer Packet.
87. And although a bit lost, we did make it back to the library fine.
88. And I made it home well.
89. And when I got here, Ph was here.
90. And so so happy to see me!
91. And we both slept last night.
92. And I didn’t overeat.
93. And the pit in my stomach wasn’t as bad this morning, though it was there.
94. But then (sitting on the toilet of all things!) I had a moment’s relief from it, and I thank God for that.
95. I can come straight home today and just chill with the pup.
96. I think F’s mom trusts me more again. This is good for my reputation, and good for F getting whatever help/services he needs.
97. That my time in the room when principal came in went well.
98. And I managed to do what I needed to do for them in terms of math, writing, etc.
99. That I notice more things to be grateful for throughout the day.
100. That my gratitudes are more other-oriented at times than they used to be.
101. That I did start my day on my knees.
102. That maybe J is just going through a mid-life crisis

Monday, April 25, 2011

Affirmations Today

I am good enough.
I am enough.
I have enough.
I have all the conditions for happiness.
J loves me.
We have a strong marriage.
We live together here, in happiness.
I am growing quickly as a woman.
I am growing quickly as a person.
I am independent and okay.
And I am able to enjoy my healthy marriage with J.

I am fine.
I am well.
Our marriage is healthy.
All is well.

I am fine.
I am well.
Our marriage is healthy.
All is well.

I am fine.
I am well.
Our marriage is healthy.
All is well.

I am fine.
I am well.
Our marriage is healthy.
All is well.

I am fine.
I am well.
Our marriage is healthy.
All is well.

I am fine.
I am well.
Our marriage is healthy.
All is well.

I am fine.
I am well.
Our marriage is healthy.
All is well.

I am fine.
I am well.
Our marriage is healthy.
All is well.

I am fine.
I am well.
Our marriage is healthy.
All is well.

I am fine.
I am well.
Our marriage is healthy.
All is well.

I am fine.
I am healthy.
Our marriage is healthy.
All is well.

I am fine.
I am well.
I am healthy.
Our marriage is healty,.
All is well.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

4/24

Is this what it took to bring me back to God?

Well I'm glad I am back.

And:
Okay, God, I get it.

My Abstinence Today

2 coffees with ch soymilk

then later, gutted multi-grain bagel at DD with J
and about half a cup of plain decaf tea

broccolit with garlic sauce (a cup?)
1 piece spanikopita, mine (1/8 of the tray)

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. That I went into e-mail and wrote to Jo and to Ma
2. And saw the ea online e-mail from D, and was able to write back and hopefully help her.
3. That I did everything I needed to yesterday, including trying on dress, cooking, cleaning, visiting mother, and getting through my time with J.
4. That I woke up this morning. Really.
5. That I started my day in prayer.
6. The power and help of the prayers yesterday. Sort of desperately praying the Rosary to just get myself through the cleaning of the kitchen. And how far it got me. Thank you, God.
7. I am grateful that I meditated today. And that although, as usual, I don’t really want to start, and start out distracted, as usual it brought some peace.
8. And that I had just enough coffee already made for 2 cups : ) Maybe – maybe – I’ll make tonight for tomorrow because going back to work. Maybe.
9. It is Easter. Jesus rose from the dead. Suffered, died, was buried, and rose again to walk among people and sit at the right hand of the Father. For us. For our sins. For me. Happy Easter to me.
10. “Solitude it bearable only with God”. It says that in today’s For Today. Wow. Wow. Like yesterday, so desperately praying and praying. The Rosary. Desperate. As trying to clean the kitchen. So scared…But God got me through. Thank you, God. Thank you, Mary.
11. Wow. It goes on to say: “I can keep busy, work hard to keep solitude at bay. There comes a time, however, when I am alone with myself. When I feel the presence of my Higher Power, I let my thoughts wander into shadowy crevices, unafraid, and I learn much that I did not know before. I experience truths such as, ‘Fear has been a fact of my life.’ Felt as a fact, it no longer seeps into every facet of my existence, and I am no longer its victim. Without solitude, I would not have seen that truth. Without the company of my Higher Power, I could not venture into solitude, a place devoid of distraction, where I am face to face with myself. For today: in conscious contact with God, I easily face what I cannot beat to look at otherwise.” Wow. And timely too.
12. “When I need someone to be there for me, I ask. I am not alone.” “I pick up the phone.” In today’s In This Moment. Good reminder, and I’m thankful for it.
13. Just flipped to March 13, which I had highlighted, in Voices of Recovery, and saw: “When faced with new hurts, I remember that this pain had a beginning, and it will have an end.” Thank you, God, for that.
14. I am grateful that I just read Step Five in the OA 12 & 12.
15. 1:13pm. Sitting at hospital. Won’t make it to J’s family’s. But – the great news, for which I’m very grateful, is that we’ve spoken with the cardiologist and he says medication will be just as good (long story short) as cath. So my mother does not need the cath.
16. And, can go home now. As soon as the nurse gets the med. papers straightened out, we’ll leave with her.
17. And I was able to do a really nice thing, which is offer to J that I would take care of the my mother stuff and he could go down to his sister’s. Boy, I didn’t want to do that, and am very glad he said no even though I offered more than once (which maybe I shouldn’t have). But I’m grateful that I was able to honestly offer.
18. And that I just took a valium, because my stomach is a jittery wreck.
19. And although it’s very very painful knowing that maybe the way I’m feeling now with jitter horrible stomach because of J’s feelings, is the way he might have been feeling all that time and *I * was making it worse. But – I’m grateful for the lesson. Wish wish all heart could have been sooner, but grateful for it.
20. Plus, it’s not too late. I *am * having this time with him now.
21. And if I wind up home and miserable, I’ll try St : ) Oh well. Just tried and she’s not in. but I *could * read my Codependents Anonymous book, too…
22. My friend’s daughter’s bone scan is CLEAR!!!!!
23. My mother is home. Yay.
24. 2 days earlier than we’d thought.
25. And with no procedure.
26. And J and I both did the right thing, even though we didn’t get to his sister’s.
27. And I was good to him.
28. And I’ve brought my mother her pocket book and a nice piece of spanikopita.
29. And I’ve given J 2 pieces to take too
30. And I’ve had broccoli with garlic sauce (a bit ) *and * spanikopita. What wealth!
31. And M. called me this morning.
32. And I am home in the clean house.
33. And J told me more hints about cleaning the floors.
34. And I just called my mother. Her friend is not going to visit, but they talked on the phone: )
35. And my mother *loved * the spanikopita.
36. And I’m going to bring her another piece tomorrow. (I couldn’t leave two with her because she would eat them both, and it is much too rich).
37. And she sounds healthy and happy and so alive. So relieved. Yay. Thank God.
38. I was able to pray the Rosary again today, when I was so scared and nervous. (Getting ready for J to come). And once again, I was offering a “bouquet” to Mary, but it helped *me. * it helped me. Thank you, God, and Mary.
39. Tomorrow I’ll be at work, and I’ll be able to use all those expressions I love, that the kids love too: )
40. And I have plenty of work to do during the days when J is away and that’s good.
41. And Ph will be here, and I’ll make sure to walk her a lot, which means I’ll walk too.
42. And *maybe * I’ll clean the den floor with the cleaning stuff, and put down the rug. Then Ph and I can play on it and sit on it and cuddle on it, and like watch tv in the eves.
43. And I’ll cancel some things and make sure to be here enough for her to be okay and happy.
44. I am grateful that I was abstinent yesterday.
45. And that I *am * growing as a person and a woman. I have a lot more work to do. But better now than never.
46. It says in ea online, “Part of our serenity comes from being able to live at peace with unsolved problems.” Hm. I’m grateful for reading that and kind of registering it just now.
47. And today’s Daily Recovery Meditation e-mail starts with:
“Feeling our loneliness magnifies it.
Understanding our loneliness can open
doors into our self-awareness, which we
long for and need.”
Anthony Robbins
48. And it says, “I've learned to turn things
over to my Higher Power and to let them
go.”
49. I love petunias. And we bought a beautiful hanging basket for J’s sister. But since we didn’t go, he gave it to me and it is hanging out front.
50. And I have beautiful red and yellow, and on the side red tulips outside. And at first they were making me sad because J planted them for me a different year. But 1) he still did plant them for me and I 8could * be happy about that. 2( he probably already was ambivalent then anyway. Just as he is now 3) they are beautiful and I should enjoy them 4) they make the whole house look better
51. I can see buds out my l.r. window right now while sititng in the den. Beautiful!
52. Called M. She will call back. Either she’ll want to go to that meeting tomorrow or she won’t. If yes, I’ll go. Then see Ph. If no, I’ll get Ph earlier and stay home with her. Either way, I’ll be grateful.
53. I am not happy; I am not fulfilled. But I am kind of okay. I am working on growing as a person and a woman and I am making progress. Thank you, God, for that.
54. That my mother is back on those good pills.
55. That J did her pills for the week today.
56. That we have a yard.
57. And it’s fenced.
58. Grape juice
59. My breathing is a nice healthy slow right now.
60. I won’t crawl into the bed in that disgusting way I have been, tonight, now that the room is clean.
61. I will get through the next few days. I will.
62. And maybe J will miss me.
63. That J did the CGC Ph thing. For me. I wish I could go back to that time. But I’m thankful that he did it.
64. I was afraid that if I cleaned, the emptiness would feel worse. Like, there wouldn’t be as much hanging over my head and then what? I’d be stuck here with and inside myself. But it actually feels better. Neater. Less cluttered. Less brain cluttered. And more self-care.
65. Anyway, back to no. 63, I can’t go back but I can go forward. There is hope for us to heal together, with growth, and have fun.
66. That I can probably get my car fixed this week.
67. That I have water for the fridge at work for me and M. I just need to remember to bring it in tomorrow lol.
68. That more people are coming on the meditation thread.
69. That I’ve never actually had a dread disease.
70. And I’m not as phobic as I used to be.
71. Even told J could do GW lower or under… today.
72. And he was grateful to hear that.
73. That I’m enjoying the royal wedding stuff. On my own.
74. And that I will be able to see some hours of it Fri morning, due to my thumb follow-up visit so I won’t be at work.
75. I just smiled. Sitting here alone watching a royal wedding show. Smiled. Yay.
76. That I think I really will continue to lose weight this time.
77. I think Kate will someday make a well-loved queen.
78. I’m glad I’ve had teaching experiences with children of different ages.
79. And that I’m becoming more and more upstanding in life.
80. S is J.
81. Memories. Of the magic. As I watch these videos from Charles and Diana’s wedding. Nice.
82. For the days when I used to watch Dallas, at 10pm on Fridasy, with C.
83. And the fact that I’ve lived in 4 places as an adult. Lucky me.
84. Wood. And plenty of it in my house.
85. The clean tv stand.
86. Strawberry.
87. Dark chocolate tofu.
88. Vegan butterscotch. I haven’t used it yet, but I’m gad it exists.
89. Sand
90. Dirt
91. Soil
92. Shiny glittery rocks
93. J might come around, please God. And, well, he might.
94. And meanwhile I am growing.
95. The song, “Jerusalem.”
96. The song, “Be Not Afraid.”
97. The song, “Peace I Leave with You.”
98. The Buddhist chant j and I both love so much.
99. Teaching my kids the states song. And how they love it.
100. Celebratory, happy days. For all people.
101. That my makeup looked pretty nice today.
102. Pomp. It’s true. Sometimes I am grateful for pomp.
103. The smart cardiologist today
104. That I am sitting here getting chills watching that wedding.

My Affirmations Today

God made me.
God loves me.
I am lovable.
J loves me.
I love me.
I love others.
I am enough.
I am good enough.
I have enough.
I have all the conditions for happiness.
J and I have a strong marriage.

I am enough.
J and I have a strong marriage.
We are happy together.

I am enough.
J and I have a strong marriage.
We are happy together.

I am enough.
J and I have a strong marriage.
We are happy together.

I am enough.
J and I have a strong marriage.
We are happy together.

I am enough.
J and I have a strong marriage.
We are happy together.

I am enough.
J and I have a strong marriage.
We are happy together.

I am enough.
I have enough.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am in a strong and happy marriage with J.
All is well.

I am enough.
I have enough.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am in a strong and happy marriage with J.
All is well.

I am enough
I have enough.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am in a strong and happy marriage with J.
All is well.

I am enough.
I have enough.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am in a strong and happy marriage with J.
All is well.

I am enough.
I have enough.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am in a strong and happy marriage with J.
All is well.

I am enough.
I have enough.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am in a strong and happy marriage with J.
All is well.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Today's One Hundred Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. That during the night, I sensed when the dog was sitting up, and after trying just petting her, was able to get her outside.
2. That I had some not terrible dreams.
3. That Sp said today Life is hard. A blade of grass has to push up through the ground. But we have nothing better.
4. And said Life is full of good and bad. I concentrate on the good.
That felt helpful to me.
5. That I was able to get the prescriptions yesterday.
6. And remembered to put the eyedrops right into the fridge.
7. That I am able to see. There was a time in my 20’s, when it seemed *to me * from something the eye dr said that I might lose my sight in my 40’s. Thank God I am able to see.
8. Today’s For Today:” Grief drives men into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding and softens the heart.” John Adams. Wow. It’s a wonderful statement. Plus I never would have pictured him saying something like that. There’s a lesson in that too.
9. And it says, “If I allow it to pass through my life without without trying to change it or escape from it, grief will leave me a more finished person.”
10. And it says, “The problem is non-acceptance. My compulsive overeating mind says, ‘No! No! I can’t bear it! Change it! Fix it! Make it better!’” Yes, that is me. I’m grateful to see it there because that means others have been through it and come out the other side.
11. Like L when he’s talked about his wife dying at 58, and him walking around the house crying for 3- 4 months or he’s not sure how long. And going to meetings and crying about all the things he didn’t do, like buy her flowers. And then all the men would go out and buy their wives flowers.
12. It goes on to say, “Accepting whatever comes – the sorrow as well as the joy – without letting it divert me from doing God’s will as I understand it, is what this program is all about. It is recovery.”
13. When my mother was so sick years ago (like 8 years), I promised God to not care about the stupid things. Or I promised myself. Or I just saw them as stupid. It was like, “Who cares if a parent at work won’t like me; that doesn’t matter. This does.” But I think I understand better now. 1) I shouldn’t have cared less, just cared less sickly. 2) I still wound up obsessing and moaning every morning again, a few years later, and I shouldn’t have. I’m grateful to “get that” now.
14. And it says, and this is hard, but I am grateful that it says it: “For today: I can learn much that is of value from grief by not running away into the food.”
15. Walking through the fire – gems of wisdom to be found in the ashes. Something about that in today’s, In This Moment. And I think that’s important.
16. In today’s Voices of Recovery it says: “…God loves us in our totality and is willing and able to help us in everything we do…God will help us with every decision, even food choices and amounts.” OA 12 & 12 p. 15.
Willing and able to help us.
In everything we do.
God will help us with every decision, even food choices and amounts.
17. I’m also grateful that I just e-mailed Jo and shared that with her.
18. It goes on to say, “Asking our Higher Power to feel us is one of those simple, yet powerful tools that never fails us if we reach for it. I know that God would never hand me anything that would harm me or poison my life.”
19. And “Only the disease does that. Only the disease tells me that poison is a treat.”
20. “If I pause and ask before I make a decision about food and amounts, there will be a loving peaceful space created in my day, and I will intuitively know what and how God would feed me if invited to do so.”
21. “And when I listen and follow through with this sure guidance, that loving, peaceful feeling follows me throughout my day, and I know that I am loved, guided, and guarded always.” Wow. May that be so! Grateful to have read that. And typed it. May I believe it and may it be so.
22. I just saw the Daily Om today’s horoscope in my e-mail and opened it. It said,
“Your hopes will likely be awakened by the beautiful visions of the future you see in your mind's eye today. Instead of dismissing these thoughts as mere fantasy, consider carefully what you can do right now to make them a reality. You may find that your optimism provides you with just the level of encouragement you need to stick with your goals when your life becomes challenging. Maintaining the good feelings you experience today in the long term can be as easy as regularly picturing all you aspire to achieve in your imagination. As you mull over the life you plan someday to enjoy, your confidence in yourself can grow immeasurably.” This is very helpful to me.
23. And then it said,
“We tend to think and act more confidently when we assume that there is goodness in store for us in the near future. This is because we do not regard failure as a possibility and are thus far more ready to take risks than we might otherwise be. There is nothing to stop us from extending ourselves beyond our usual comfort zones, and we can see the benefits of doing so quite clearly. The hope we hold in our hearts sustain us when our progress seems to have slowed or even stopped. We are willing to explore numerous avenues while pursuing our goals because the encouragement we feel prompts us to do all we can to move closer and closer to the fulfillment of our aims, even when we must exhibit great courage to do so. Your optimism will help you meet your goals today by encouraging you to whatever is necessary to ensure your success.” I am grateful to have read this.
24. And grateful that M. showed me about these so I could be getting them.
25. I feel strong enough to act on it, thank God. Will start now!
26. And that the next daily om today was about affirmations and I learned something more about how to do them and did it.
27. I am so grateful that I did all my morning things today. That means: my ACTS prayer on my knees, my two Step-Three prayers, this many of my gratitudes so far, my 3 daily readings, my prayer to God and to the Blessed Virgin, my prayers for the people on my prayer list, my 20 minutes of Step-Four work (to re-read and add as needed), my affirmations on my blog, my 15-minute call with my sponsor, and my 10-minute meditation.
28. I am grateful to God that I asked for help with abstinence, had already done some smart shopping, and just had for breakfast (after 2 coffees with chocolate soymilk – probably won’t buy the chocolate again will just use up what I have -) 1 pkg. weight control maple brown sugar oatmeal with some pomegranate juice infused craisins and a little slivered almonds and drinking water
29. And that it actually tasted too sweet too!
30. And that I took my vitamins and Claritan yesterday and today.
31. And I’m grateful that I organized all the plastic recycling and all the paper recycling from the kitchen, even though I had to literally pray out loud the whole time.
32. May I remember EJs words from the other day:
“Love to you - and remember: Find your joy and peace outside of and independent of any other people. Once you do that, you may find that your needs and desires are different than you thought.” I need to remember that I must find my joy and peace outside of and independent of any other people. That is what I must do no matter what it means and no matter what comes of it, and I am grateful to hear it.
33. My phone call with J went better than it could have, thank you, God.
34. And my mother called and I spoke to her for a couple of minutes. She sounds well.
35. And we will (J and I ) will meet at the hospital later to visit her for a bit.
36. I am grateful that there is, right now, *no * clutter in the kitchen! For the first time in many months! I have officially de-cluttered the kitchen.
37. And was just about to Swiffer the floor, but went to assemble the new Swiffer, which made me very nervous and I *sort of * wished I’d asked J to (!) but I did it. Just fine. It was even very easy.
38. And I went to Swiffer the floor, but saw after assembling, that it said must charge for 12 – 18 hours! First = : ( But then realized, oh well, doing that would have been easier than de-cluttering the next room. Now I’m kind of forced to de-clutter the next room! So : )
39. I have gone to the jfs and bought vegan organic phyllo dough. I am grateful that I was able to do that and did that.
40. And that I could afford it.
41. And that it felt good going in to the kitchen now that it is neat and uncluttered.
42. I am grateful that although it’s late, as of now I *am * supposed to go to the hospital with J.
43. St said Swiffer is *not * electrical. Just like a 10.00 dry mop thingy. I’ll have to return this one. But that’s okay, and for that I’m grateful. She says Target or CVS will have it
44. That the one who started it originally (in my time) came back to the meditation thread.
45. That people there were so supportive of me today.
46. That one said she sees me as – something positive, I don’t remember, but it felt good.
47. And now, tonight, I am so grateful that I got to see my mother today and spend time with her.
48. And that I went on my own, because J was running so late.
49. And that he *did * come, shortly after.
50. And we visited and she seemed well.
51. And maybe between the dr. and the 2 of us, she might be convinced to do the cathetarization.
52. And that when I spoke to her tonight she was in such great spirits, and literally just about to eat her dinner.
53. And Ma was going to be visiting her tonight.
54. And tomorrow we will visit her.
55. And so will Ma, I think.
56. And I am so happy and grateful to be able to love someone else so much. Someone not me. And someone not J.
57. Then, I was able to talk to the manager at the store and be sure he’ll take back the electric Swiffer thing, even though I don’t have receipt and can’t take it apart!
58. And I bought OCedar thingies. And the clothy parts and washable rather than disposable, which I like better too.
59. And then – I “swiffered” (with the new thing from OCedar) the kitchen floor. And so my kitchen is really good and clean now and uncluttered too.
60. And then I finished declutterring the l.r. and d.r. and “swiffered” those floor too! Nice!
61. I am sitting in the den now and can see the neat l.r. with the clean floor and the lamp and elephant statue and bit of one of the pillows, all of which I picked and bought, and it feels so good!
62. I just ate dinner, involving veggie, whole grain, protein, and a little oil, just like last night (broccoli with garlic sauce, brown rice, and one vegan burger).
63. And I was down a bit on the scale this morning.
64. And now I’m about to do the den and bedroom. Then the phyllo will probably be thawed and I can make the spanikopita. If there is time before that, I will also do the bathroom (with Clorox wipes).
65. And I tried on my dress today and it is fine. I look fat because I am fat, but it is fine and I will wear it tomorrow.
66. And – well, j is difficult. I don’t want him to be. I don’t want to have made him feel the way he’s making me feel now – unheard, unworthy of being heard, shushed. But I know I did. And I’m so very sorry for that. AND for what it’s doing to me now too. But I’m grateful that I didn’t feel quite – not 100% quite – as desperate for a few minutes today.
67. I’m grateful that I was abstinent yesterday.
68. And today.
69. And will get more food while spanikopita is cooking. And still be abstinent.
70. And that maybe I can crochet in the car.
71. And that I took the elevator each time at the hospital, with J and alone, these two days.
72. I will be with J’s family tomorrow. (May I not cry or anything).
73. My face and hair looked pretty today, I think.
74. There are more minutes when I have peace than there were a short time ago.
75. I can bring my laptop tomorrow and do some in the car, then recharge it there. I think I did that once before.
76. I cleaned *even though * the vacuum was acting all funky and I had to get down on my hands and knees and use the hose
77. I think I’ve decided to have someone come here and do a more thorough job, or even with me, once. Like mover the rugs…
78. Little Ph is probably happy tonight, there, with J and H (other dog)
79. I am watching house, and will continue to while I clean. I like it.
80. I watch less tv now, though. And none in bedroom or d.r. Maybe I’ll leave it that way.
81. Cleaning is exercise, too.
82. Although M will now be going away in July with I, so I won’t get to go with her, I will find something else. Maybe TNH, or the other thing in Colorado if I can remember what it was, or the place related to the Indian thing I went to, or a zen sort of spa. Or not.
83. M says she would take dance with me at gym. That doesn’t mean she will, or will continue to, but it’s nice anyway.
84. I might not pay to, and might put that money aside, and do it here? Or go. Either of those two would be good for me.
85. It’s nice to feel tired from moving!
86. And now I’ve done the den. !
87. And I am grateful that I have now made the spanikopita.
88. And cleaned the bathroom. Wow. Only thing left is the bedroom. Which is ton. But I might just put stuff in a ginormous bag in the basement, and clean up enough for it to look clear and not have dust on the floor.
89. And I know, now that the spanikopita is baking, that I’ll have healthy food I can eat tomorrow.
90. And other people like it too.
91. I don’t know how J could be so - well, the way he is. Like cold and selfish…right now. So closed off to me, whom he married. But I’m feeling more accepting. I think self-care must be very much a piece of the key. I plan to start exercising next week. Anyway, I’m grateful for the self-care today/tonight.
92. That the incredible amount of prayer I said today, with all my heart. Seems to really have helped me get through, stay okay, do what I had to do for my mother, enjoy the time with her, clean, and cook. Some of this was very scary for me! But I got through it! And I think that’s because of the prayers.
93. I have done it. I have now done the bedroom too. Not perfectly, none of it perfectly, and partly because of the a/cs and table J has in the dr. that I can’t move : ( But also because it’s a *first *. And it’s good enough that *I * feel good – well, a lot better – and that I would let someone come in now.
94. And although originally it was all about J, and not seeing him during the week but making sure that when I’d see him at week’s end, like now, he’d see how I’ve grown. But I couldn’t get myself to do it. And I think that’s because it wasn’t real. Today, I did more for *me *.
95. And I can have the Easter new start I wanted.
96. And I can go back to work feeling better too.
97. And I got rid of foods gone bad, so the spanikopita wil fit in the fridge and in a couple of minutes I’ll put it in. I am grateful for all of this.
98. And for the furnace not having broken yesterday when I thought it had.
99. And for friends.
100. And that I am now about to have a healthy, planned snack, and go to bed.

Today's Abstinence

B
2 coffees with chocolate soymilk
1 package weight control maple brown sugar oatmeal with some pomegranate juice infused craisins and slivered almonds
7?

L
broccoli with garlic sauce and brown rice
decaf coffee with chocolate soymilk
9?

D
broccoli with garlic sauve and brown rice and 1 vegan burger
10?

Sn will be:
4 little piece wh wh bread,toasted, 2 with pb and 2 with Earth Balance or Smart Balance
total 35?

Some Thoughts So Far Today

Again, I keep thinking of what EJ said: “Love to you - and remember: Find your joy and peace outside of and independent of any other people. Once you do that, you may find that your needs and desires are different than you thought.”

I am so nervous, Lord, that my mother won't be able to come with us tomorrow. (Pretty sure she'll still be in hospital). And while I *should * be concentrating only on that being lousy for *her, * I'm concentrating on the long drive out and back, during which we'll probably be alone. And I pray to you, Dear Lord,
that J finds it delightful to be with me
and does not say anything that hurts me devestating-feeling-wise
and that it *helps * us to get back and be happy together soon.

For this, I pray with full heart. Thank you. Amen.

And I also pray with full heart for my mother's day tomorrow. May she be and feel well and good.

And for all the people on my prayer list to have a good day tomorrow.

Now, I'd better go back to de-cluttering.


HOURS LATER:
I am supposed to feel good in the moment. All I have to do is feel good in this moment. Long-term will take care of itself if I do what I am supposed to do to take care of myself and be good to others and do what I needd to to feel okay.
Note to self: Just be okay as self, in self, with self, in this moment.

My Affirmations Today

I am made by God.
God is with me.
I can ask God for help and He gives it.
I am okay.
I am strong.
My marriage is strong.
I can do the things I need to do today.
I can enjoy this day also.

I am good.
I am strong.
It is not too late.

God loves me.
I am lovable.
I am enough.
I am growing.

My life is good.
My marriage is good.
All is well.

And now, having just read about affirmations in the daily om, I say:

I am loved.
I am strong.
i am able.
I am in a great marriage with J.
All is well.

I am loved.
I am strong.
i am able.
I am in a great marriage with J.
All is well.

I am loved.
I am strong.
i am able.
I am in a great marriage with J.
All is well.

I am loved.
I am strong.
I am able.
I am in a great marriage with J.
All is well.

I am loved.
I am strong.
i am able.
I am in a great marriage with J.
All is well.

I am loved.
I am strong.
I am able.
I am in a great marriage with J.
All is well.

I am loved.
I am strong.
i am able.
i am in a great marriage with J.
All is well.

I am loved.
I am strong.
i am able.
I am in a great marriage with J.
All is well.

I am loved.
I am strong.
I am able.
I am in a great marriage with J.
All is well.

I am loved.
I am strong.
i am able.
I am in a great marriage with J.
All is well.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Today's Abstinence

I broke my abstinence last night. Had candy.
But today is a new day.
I tried to go with the "Trust God but buy broccoli" philosophy.

Plus I was at the hospital with my mother for much of the day.

I had:
B 2 coffee with ch soymilk (2?)
chow mein (1/3) with brown rice (1/6) 6? 8?

plain Earl Gray tea

L--

D broccoli with garlic sauce (1/3) and brown rice(1/6) and 1 vegan burger 7? 8?

Water

Might now have toast and pb and marg (8?) Did have. Maybe more like 12?

My Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. I just found that I have 3 comments on my blog site! Between beginning of March, and 7 days ago! Yay!
2. I did get up this morning and kneel at foot of bed and pray
3. Then made coffee, came in here (l.r.) and prayed 1st “3rd step prayer.” Then the “real one.
4. Then finished yesterday’s hundred. And started today’s.
5. Gave doggie treat, and cuddled with her a little
6. Am honoring Good Friday, but trying to do so without getting morose.
7. And planning to do my work, but not overwhelmingly so maybe. Maybe will go to BG with J? Will ask.
8. Should visit my mother today at hospital, where she’s been since last night. Will offer that up too.
9. Feel sacred inside, and am glad for that.
10. I am grateful that I did my 2 3rd step prayers this morning.
11. And that I meditated and in the middle, M. called.
12. And that I spoke with her.
13. And then went back and did 10 more minutes of meditation.
14. And that I did my prayer to God and my prayer to the Blessed Virgin Mary.
15. And that I prayed for the people on my prayer list.
16. And that at 8:24 am I already have 16 gratitudes.
17. I am grateful that I have a voice, a physical voice. Because I remember when I didn’t, for the better part of 8 months, including 2 weeks without making a sound. And for the fear before the ent said it wasn’t cancer or anything. Thank you, God.
18. And I’m grateful that Sp said I *can * work the other program too.
19. And that M wants us to go together to the meeting next week. oa.
20. Today’s For Today is so good, and so important, that I am grateful for it and am going to type the whole thing here:
“Every situation – nay, every moment – is of infinite worth; for it is the representative of a whole eternity.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“NOW never counted for much in my life of compulsive overeating. I rejected the idea that the present moment represented eternity, or that the way I live – anesthetizing myself with food – would never change unless I understood that Now was all I had or ever would have.
The twelve-step program of recovery is the most now-oriented set of ideas I have ever encountered. What I did yesterday – how good or how bad I was, how successful or unsuccessful, how fat o how thin – has no reality today except in my mind. Following the directions of the steps, I clear my mind of the debris of the past, leaving myself free to give all my attention, energy and love to the present moment – which represents eternity.
For Today: The ‘time of my life’ is NOW.”
21. And now I have done my three readings, and everything on my morning list, and especially as I didn’t do all yesterday, I am grateful for that.
22. I got to meet J downstairs at the hospital, and go in together
23. My mother was alive and aware and alert and actually, her face looked good!
24. I spent the day with her.
25. She shared some thoughts with me. (Money, saving…)
26. And she thought it was a “beautiful” sentence that I said about quality of life, not more and more years, but quality of life.
27. I was able to be grown up enough to let J go about his business and I stayed
28. Eventually we (she and I) found out that indeed her heart was involved : ( but it was not a heart *attack * : )
29. I got her to a room
30. I made sure they knew about *all * her meds – because they’d forgotten some –
31. J called me a couple or few times
32. I was very very worried when I couldn’t reach him, but eventually we connected again. Thank God he was all right.
33. So someone needed to get to her apartment (it was a touch after 6pm) and get her pills and bring them back to the hospital. I said I would. I *felt * a bit nervous but I did say it.
34. Then he said, “If I have to come down and bring them there (he was like in Wh Pl or something), I will.” That was nice of him.
35. And I was able to answer, and I quote exactly. “I wouldn’t do that to you. – But thank you.”
36. And I did it.
37. I also used the elevator over and over.
38. At my mother’s apartment, I made sure I had all the necessary pills, and double checked by matching the S. one with the bottle so they looked the same too.
39. Once outside her apartment, with the correct pills, he happened to call and said she had now had them (he’d checked by phone) so I went and returned them to her table.
40. And both times in, I loved being in her apartment.
41. And I loved getting her keys out of her pocket book. So uncomplicated. Neat. Orderly. Organized. Sweet.
42. I love my mommy. And am very grateful for her in my life and as my mommy.
43. And I got home safely.
44. And I’d stopped at drugstore on way to her house to drop off my two prescriptions.
45. And they *were * the right date to be able to be filled today, thank God (by one day! : )
46. And on the way back, I was able to pick them both up, and my eye drops.
47. And not get a ticket.
48. And Ph was fine when I got here. Yay.
49. And I had a healthy dinner of broccoli with garlic sauce and brown rice (about a third of the container of broccoli and about a sixth of the quart of rice), and a vegan burger too. So whole grains, oil, protein, veggies.
50. And I’d had chow mein (3rd) with brown rice (6th) and 2 coffees with chocolate soy milk for breakfast.
51. I had a nice long talk with M this morning.
52. J was able to go back out there after having to lie down for a half hour or an hour.
53. And I don’t think the neck pain is about me!
54. Or the sleep difficulties he’s having again, which he’s had really all his life.
55. I was able to offer up the discomfort, inconvenience, fear, and pain of the day, to God for EJ’s daughter.
56. And partly for my marriage with J to be healed as well.
57. And in the morning, Sp said how calm I sounded even with everything going on. Not hysterical, not crying…He said that is recovery. And I am grateful to hear that.
58. And I’m sitting here safe and sound and J is alive and my mother is alive and I’m in my jammies with tv and little Ph is fine.
59. And I called and spoke with my mother for a minute too. Especially to see if I should go by there tonight or if she was just going to rest. And to tell her I love her. And to relax.
60. I am so grateful that I tell my mother I love her.
61. And I am so grateful that she tells me she loves me.
62. And she said the _____amount CD is in my name and it is up to me to split it. And I’m grateful that although nobody else knows that, of course I will.
63. And I’m grateful that more step 4 kind of things are coming to me.
64. I love my mother very much. And am so grateful for the day we had together, the times we had together, the years we've had together. There were years when I was sure I could never feel that way. And it is such a gift that I've had now for more years. God bless her.
65. I heard from EJ.
66. And from Co.
67. And I wrote back to each.
68. I am so glad that I pray every day. For myself and for others and for the world.
69. Tonight, I felt in the car like I’m really not alone. Like God is really with me.
70. And standing in the kitchen, I felt okay for a minute.
71. I am grateful that I’ve never had a stroke.
72. Or diabetes.
73. Or chrohn’s
74. Or lupus
75. Or aids
76. Or herpes
77. Or dvt
78. Or broken arms or legs
79. Or lung cancer
80. Or enlarged heart
81. And that the nurses and doctors were nice to me today.
82. And I got some questions answered about my mother.
83. And she finally got her meds.
84. And soon I can go to sleep and maybe have okay dreams again.
85. And I’m about to enjoy a cup of decaf coffee, I think.
86. Maybe my e-mail to Jo was able to support and help her a bit, I hope.
87. I have all the medication I need (that I can take).
88. Tomorrow I can shop and cook for Sunday, make sure I have something to wear, and straighten a bit here too.
89. Sunday I will get to go with J. Maybe my mother will be able to come?.
90. I will probably find the Rosary I am missing from my pocket book right now.
91. I am becoming neater.
92. I have had all my *real needs * met today.
93. I am on a program on recovery.
94. My Sp said it is ok to work the other (CoDA) program too. That it won’t hurt. And that maybe she (one who offered to sponsor me there) had a reason for saying to start with step 4.
95. I know I am still working on step 1, and that’s ok too. I’m grateful for it all.
96. There is still hope for me and J. There is and I am so so so so grateful for that.
97. I have put Ma’s phone number into my phone.
98. I’m grateful that Mau showed me how last summer, and now I know.
99. And that I kissed my mother.
100. And rubbed her arm.
101. And she is still here with us.
102. And for all those amazing things J has done for her.
103. And that I’ve begun to really see the error of my ways, my character defects, my faults… and to work on changing them and growing.