More Views Yesterday than Ever Before - Journal

I am so glad I am not alone in Cyber-space. So grateful to YOU.

Affirmations

I slowly and deeply breathe in and out and find my body relaxing and my mind calming. I release all resistance to money. My talents are in demand, and my unique gifts are appreciated by those around me. Life supports me and I support myself. I let others take responsibility for themselves knowing that this assists their own growth and confidence.

Feelings Work

I feel: Hopeful. Despite nervous and lonely and scared and loser-like. I am okay inside - and that gives me great hope! I think it is because: So many people viewed my blog yesterday! And friends! And this spiritual work! Next time I'll do differently: Add exercise! Stay honest (like not hiding things from my dear mother) 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am brave! In MANY ways! 2. I have saved 2 lives. Yes, really. 3. I can play piano 4. I can knit 5. I am able to relax

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. This line, from today’s Each Day a New Beginning: “I will take charge of my life today.” Must. Must do that. Will. 2. Oh! And this! Oh! “We'll find all the day's activities, interactions, and plans decidedly more exciting when we exercise control over our responses. We don't have to feel or respond except in the way that pleases us. We have total control and we'll find this realization exhilarating.” 3. This, from Food for Thought: “By Your grace, may I survive the hard times.” This, that I wrote to L. this morning (we did talk yesterday).: “I don’t want to hurt you! I am so confused and so hurting. Maybe, as frightening as this is to me, we should gulp not talk for a few days? See how each feels? You would not (I assume) be in touch with S or Jo or Jon or me. Maybe you would do your music, or walk alone…? I would not talk about you and us with my friends. I would practice piano, maybe see a movie alone, read, CLEAN THIS PLACE UP(!), do for my mother… And miss you terribly terribly much I saw your facebook posts of last night. I am said that you are going through that. (I could not comment because I'm not allowed on the site.) Honey, I say this out of care. Yes, apparently they did break your confidences. I didn’t even realize that at first. But remember – these were betrayals of me. So they betrayed you for betraying me. It is no worse, what they did to you, their loved friend, than what you did to my, your loved girlfriend. Maybe you should forgive. And have your friends back. What you were doing was wrong Dear. They THOUGHT what they were doing was right. You KNEW what you were doing was deceitful to me. Maybe you don’t want to lose your friends right now... (Now I WILL tell you that S has said something of which I do not approve at all: That he will never speak to you again unless you go to therapy and HE is allowed to tell YOUR therapist YOUR problems! *I * find this MAJOR CONTROL-FREAK STUFF! *I * personally would never agree to it. I WOULD agree to someone I love who loves me talking to my therapist privately. But not this kind of control-freak stuff. However, you might – it’s up to you.) I say this NOT in a nasty way. If you could hear my voice, you would hear that it is very soft and caring. Maybe you could think about ---WHY you needed to take walks with Li And tell friends And keep it from me AND never even tell me that she exists even as a friend or anything. There MUST be some reason. WHY? ---WHY You needed to accompany P. C. to the doctor and dinner or whatever And tell friends but keep it from me WHY? ---WHY You needed to not tell me about that little party thing. WHAT did you have to lose by telling me? Even knowing that they would all know you did this to me. ---WHY You had to list the people and leave one out – one I believe means NOTHING. What would be the reason for that? I never even asked you who was there. I never asked any other time either. ---WHY You broke my confidence about J. I opened up to you in vulnerability and trusted you, my boyfriend. Why would you need to break that trust and tell Jo and tell S (those are the two that I know of). If you felt it important for them to know, on my behalf, or for your own reasons, couldn’t you have told me you’d like to gently mention it to a friend or two whom you trust and who will never meet John, and get my permission? Rather than betray my trust? Honey, you are willing to lose “lifelong friends” over the fact that they betrayed your trust. But Dear, in these ways listed above, you betrayed my trust. How would this reconcile? I can’t for the life of me imagine how. You are so hurt that they betrayed you. Can’t you see that it’s the same thing you did to me? Were these things between us? Is that what was missing in your eyes? Did you know you’re getting closer closer to me yet staying further through these betrayals? Was there guilt? Or anger at me somehow? Or fear of closeness? I cannot think of reasons for these things. (Except maybe the party because maybe you were afraid I’d want to come or be insulted by you for not wanting me to because of the hassles of the next day and all?). Perhaps you just need to keep a lot of things private? I can't figure out any of it. :( Love, Lynn 4. And I’m grateful for this, also from today’s Food for Thought. I needed this: “There are times when all we can manage is to hang on, to survive. We know in our heads that these times will eventually pass. Practicing Step Eleven convinces us in our hearts that God is in charge, no matter how far away He may seem to be.” 5. In fact, that whole passage. Worth rereading! 6. That I am going to take care of my RESPONSIBILITES before collapsing today. 7. And be good to those children. 8. And my conference parent. 9. That yesterday’s conferences went very very well. 10. That these children have such nice parents. I am so happy for them. 11. That they are in this class together. If *I * had a child, THIS is the class in which I’d want him to be! So sweet. So innocent. 12. Today’s Language of Letting Go – wow. Wow. 13. I am grateful fort the Today Show this morning. 14. And that apparently nice people won the lottery. 15. And for that policeman who bought boots for that homeless man. 16. And that that photo went viral. That means something nice about people. 17. And for my white lamp in the dark blue den. 18. And for electricity. 19. And my honestly with L. All of it that I’ve had. 20. And the wonderful fun hot loving sex we did have. 21. And that I am not the person I was in my twenties. Not as scared. 22. Not as hypochondriacal 23. Not as negative about myself. 24. Not as vain 25. Not quite as crazy 26. Not quite as desperate 27. Not quite as negative in general 28. Not as phobic 29. Not as scared of working 30. Not as bad at piano 31. Not as shy 32. Not as “paranoid” about others 33. Not AS crazed about what others think of ME 34. Not as shallow 35. Not as physically sick as frequently 36. Not as accident prone 37. Not as fearful of being with my mother 38. Not as feeling-like-a-victim 39. Not as looking-for-an-answer-out-there 40. Not as selfish 41. Not as self-centered 42. Much better at gift-selecting 43. And giving 44. More relaxed 45. More able to ENJOY – not always SERIOUS! 46. Wow. So happy for all of these! And still not wrinkled : ) 47. Coffee this morning 48. Which I’d made yesterday 49. Today’ sunrise. I feel better more easily when it’s lighter out 50. That I’ve been in Los Angeles 51. And Barbados 52. And Bermuda 53. And Montreal 54. And Washington, D.D. 55. And Maryland 56. And Virginia 57. And Iowa 58. And Jersey 59. And Staten Island 60. And Connecticut 61. And Massachusetts 62. And LONDON!!! 63. That I have sat with Thich Nhat Hanh! What a life! Wow! 64. That I do not have a dread disease right now. 65. Or a paralyzing injury ( I have had) 66. My voice. I remember when I didn’t have it for the better part of 8 months 67. My mother’s good days right now 68. M is doing much better emotionally! 69. I might get to go WITH O to her concert! 70. AND – she has said that sometime I could be there while she practices! Wow! 71. M’s girls are apparently doing well right now. 72. L and I had a nice e-exchange this am. I do NOT think I will be going out with him ever again! OR staying friends! BUT – I’m happier that we’re being nice for today, before the never-talk-again. 73. I’ve been invited to a party with his friends. Without him. I will NOT go. But I’m glad they took to me so much. (I actually though, need to be away from this whole group). 74. That I cleaned up at school yesterday. 75. Chili 76. Fresh homemade soup. I think I shall make some this weekend: ) 77. And/or my mother’s stew! Maybe even bring some to her? ! 78. J. 79. Pedicures. Haven’t had one in MONTHS. Might get one this Sunday: ) 80. My eyedrops 81. That coffee helps my mood 82. That somehow, somehow, I do have enough energy to GET THROUGH enough of the day each day. Phew. 83. Broccoli in garlic sauce for lunch today. 84. And a fresh organic orange. Wow! 85. That more people are catching on that the Van Wyck Expressway is supposed to be pronounced ‘VAN WIKE.” 86. Peace everywhere there is peace. 87. Email 88. Books 89. My Nook 90. That I have good books to read this weekend. Schubert 91. Mendelssohn 92. Nicholas and Alexandra 93. The new one for the book club 94. And more ( I am reading 8 – 9 books) 95. And time to read. Finally. 96. Don’t know what I’ll do with the yarn I bought for Louis’ sweater. I WANT to ENJOY making it! And have already PAID FOR the yarn! BUT – I don’t know how to do some of it, and the place that can help is over an hour away! Wait – I know two people in person who can help. I’ll ask one of them! Good. 97. I’m glad I just thought this through. Now, what to DO WITH the sweater, I don’t know. Donate it to something for charity. Yes. Good 98. Glad I thought that through too. 99. And maybe I’ll find another one of those charities that accepts little squares of knitting, and puts them together into blankets for people who need. 100. OR – do it myself as I enjoy knitting little squares AND enjoy sewing them together – and give them to hospitals or something. Good 101. That I have 100 gratitudes. Again. : )

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Detachment One day, my son brought a gerbil home to live with us. We put it in a cage. Some time later, the gerbil escaped. For the next six months, the animal ran frightened and wild through the house. So did we - chasing it. "There it is. Get it!" we'd scream, each time someone spotted the gerbil. I, or my son, would throw down whatever we were working on, race across the house, and lunge at the animal hoping to catch it. I worried about it, even when we didn't see it. This isn't right," I'd think. I can't have a gerbil running loose in the house. We've got to catch it. We've got to do something." A small animal, the size of a mouse had the entire household in a tizzy. One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. In frenzy, I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then i stopped myself. No, I said, I'm all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I'm going to let it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done chasing it. It's an irregular circumstance, but that's just the way it's going to have to be. I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction - not reacting - but I stuck to it anyway. I got more comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil. One afternoon, only weeks after i started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed. "Fine," I said. "Do what you want." And I meant it. One hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever since. The moral of the story? Don't lunge at the gerbil. He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy. Detachment works. Today, I will be comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. I will feel at peace.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Survival We will never make it if we feel we are responsible for solving everyone else's problems. It is tempting to our ego to feel that we can exercise control over the lives of those around us, but it is counter to reality. We cannot protect those we love from sadness, sickness, or pain. Making martyrs of ourselves only prepares the ground for future retaliation. Our primary task is to remember our dependence on our Higher Power and by His grace to maintain our abstinence. The problems, which we face, are best deal with if our spiritual condition is strong. Without abstinence from compulsive overeating, we are not much help to anyone, least of all ourselves. There are times when all we can manage is to hang on, to survive. We know in our heads that these times will eventually pass. Practicing Step Eleven convinces us in our hearts that God is in charge, no matter how far away He may seem to be. By Your grace, may I survive the hard times.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"Doubt indulged soon becomes doubt realized." Frances Ridley Havergal We are powerless over our addictions, whether liquor, pills, people, food. We are powerless over the outcome of all events involving us. And we are powerless over the lives of our friends and family members. We are not powerless, however, over our own attitudes, our own behavior, our own self-image, our own determination, our own commitment to life and this simple program. Power aplenty we have, but we must exercise it in order to understand its breadth. We'll find all the day's activities, interactions, and plans decidedly more exciting when we exercise control over our responses. We don't have to feel or respond except in the way that pleases us. We have total control and we'll find this realization exhilarating. Our recovery is strengthened each time we determine the proper behavior, choose an action that feels right, and take responsibility where it is clearly ours to take. The benefits will startle us and bring us joy. I will take charge of my life today.

Affirmations

I am greeted by love wherever I go. My Future is Glorious - I now live in limitless love, light and .joy. All is well in my world. Today I choose to experience abundance. I slowly and deeply breathe in and out and find my body relaxing and my mind calming. I feel good expressing myself in all sorts of creative ways. I release all fears and doubts - I accept myself and create peace in my mind and heart. I now choose to free myself from all destructive fears and doubts. I am loved and I am safe.

Feelings Work

I feel and I think it is because: Excited about piano because it turns out to be such a fun thing, a release, so mindful, and all mine. So hurt about L because he turned out to be not at all whom I thought he was. So very very grateful because I am not on the ocean floor! I am okay! Nervous about conferences, because - well I don't know why but all of us always are. Need more trust in Higher Power? Oh - and more daily ongoing emotional stability so I do my job as totally as possible in such a way as to not have anything to worry about ever. Tired because of about 2 weeks of stress and a couple of night of real lost sleep, and others of just not enough sleep. Disappointed that I know L cannot see the truth. Because people who can't see truth are so scary to me. Because of the way I grew up. Truth is SO important to me. Next time I think I'll do differently: Make SURE I'm not desperate to be close to somebody. Try to not believe in something that seems too good to be true - WITHOUT givin up my belief in life and beauty and miracles. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I AM funny! 2. I am so much better at taking deep breath than i used to be 3. I am empathetic 4. I can make music (piano and singing) 5. I have taught a number of people (like 85!)

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. From today’s Touchstone: :In our daily lives we often take a very short perspective. We see what is worrisome today, what is pressing hardest, or what is most frightening or confusing. Eventually, we may look back and have a totally different idea about what was truly important on this day.” 2. And, “Let us take a moment now to remember what does endure, what we value most, what counts in the long run.” 3. And this, “For a brief quiet time we can let go of all the anxieties of this moment.” 4. And, “During these few quiet moments, we will identify our tensions and then place them totally into the hands of our Higher Power. This is our time to let go of our worries and be refreshed. It will provide a background of serenity for our day.” 5. And this, “Today, help me remember this corner of serenity as I meet the tasks and activities on my path.” 6. I am grateful that my bowels work. 7. And my bladder 8. And my stomach 9. And my liver 10. And my kidneys 11. And my lungs 12. And my heart, my precious heart 13. And my hands 14. And my eyes 15. And my ears 16. And my larynyx 17. And my immune system 18. And my brain 19. Email 20. This laptop 21. My Nook 22. My book group 23. I’m about to get back around 200 dollars in the mail in a check. (Long, work-related story). 24. My mother’s days now. So good. 25. My honesty. 26. My humor. I saw it yesterday! I saw what it is that people refer to! 27. Doggie gonna be spending weekends here soon! 28. That I’m not speaking to him anymore. I’m very sad that this all happened. But I didn’t do it. And I’m glad I have finally made that break. His actions have “forced” me to, if I’m to have any self-respect at all. 29. That I went to England. 30. And loved it. 31. And went by myself. 32. And traveled on the tube. 33. And was fine. 34. That since last March, I have been in tunnels 35. And on bridges. So glad got past those phobias enough to do those things. 36. And on subways (though not alone). 37. That the 3 friends and more, of L’s seem to know who I am 38. And love me 39. And that I’m not going to keep in touch with them either. There is too much craziness in that group. 40. That my dr. agrees 41. That my dr. did come for session yesterday 42. That I am beginning to accept that I can’t ever get it through to L. oh well 43. I will probably go out with someone(s) else again. I feel like I can never trust again. But then, last year I felt like I could never kiss again. So who knows? 44. That I have a washing machine 45. And a dryer 46. And a tv 47. And electricity 48. And a fridge 49. And a humidifier 50. That I can play piano 51. My friends. Including of course MA 52. And O 53. And M 54. And St 55. That I gave my mother such a great Thanksgiving 56. And that I gave myself that too 57. *I * gave it! 58. That I enjoy singing. 59. That I’m not a bigot 60. That I’m not violent 61. That I help children 62. That I am smart (enough) 63. That I am employed 64. That I do a good job 65. The father I had. So good. So good. 66. All the care my dr has given me 67. J. All the times with J. 68. That I HAVE lived through such sadnesses. I have lived. 69. Honest people. 70. The magical way I felt about myself last spring. 71. And that there’s no reason I can’t feel that way again, maybe. 72. That I type so well and so quickly 73. And that people t work know it 74. That I do get sleep. I know many people struggle, unable to sleep. And I used to. So I am grateful that I do get sleep now 75. That I have shelter 76. And clothes. Not enough and not nice enough but I have clothing. 77. That my sleep number bed seems to finally be working again. No horrible dip in the middle 78. And I actually have a heated mattress pad 79. That I have the name and phone number of MA’s handyman 80. I am grateful for my breath. That I can breathe on my own 81. And for access to fresh, clean water 82. And vegetables 83. And fruits 84. And grains 85. And protein 86. That I filled my car yesterday. And afterwards I found out that station is closed today. So extra glad. 87. We’ll see what happens, but I don’t expect any big problems at conferences today. 88. The smiles of my students 89. And that I cause so many of them 90. That with all this stress right now, at least I have such a good class. 91. Even that I have a job. 92. And a checkbook 93. And a credit card 94. That I took a bath yesterday morning. It was a nice hot bath and I liked it. 95. That M loves me as she does. 96. The big deep breath I just had. 97. That my kids are LOVING the book, Be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days 98. Broccoli in garlic sauce. (Thai) 99. Potatoes and peppers and onion in peanut curry sauce (Thai) 100. YOU. Thank you.

Today's Reading - Touchstone (which is actually supposed to be a reading for men)

"As with expeditions into the wilds when we have endured storms and rapids, cold and sleet, and sometimes lack of food, it is ultimately the good things we remember, not the bad." Sigurd F. Olson In our daily lives we often take a very short perspective. We see what is worrisome today, what is pressing hardest, or what is most frightening or confusing. Eventually, we may look back and have a totally different idea about what was truly important on this day. Let us take a moment now to remember what does endure, what we value most, what counts in the long run. For a brief quiet time we can let go of all the anxieties of this moment. During these few quiet moments, we will identify our tensions and then place them totally into the hands of our Higher Power. This is our time to let go of our worries and be refreshed. It will provide a background of serenity for our day. Today, help me remember this corner of serenity as I meet the tasks and activities on my path.

Today's Reading - Today's Gift

"When written in Chinese, the word crisis is composed of two character -- one represents danger and the other represents opportunity." John F. Kennedy Family crises are unavoidable. At times, things are going to break down. This is no reason to give up and abandon ship. These breakdowns are the things, which will strengthen our lives together if we do not lose faith. The Einstein family had a crisis of sorts when their little boy, Albert, did not talk until he was four years old. But what looked like a problem at first did not end up that way in the long run. We can expect downhill slides once in a while, and we may even start to feel full of self-pity. With faith that these setbacks are meant to help us grow stronger, we won't waste them and end up having to face them again and again until we do recognize their true purpose. What setback can I use to grow stronger today?

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Step Twelve The Twelfth Step says that having had a spiritual awakening, we try to carry this message to others. Our message is one of hope, love, comfort, health - a better way of life, one that works. How do we carry it? Not by rescuing. Not by controlling. Not by obsessing. Not by becoming evangelists for the recovery cause. We carry the message in many small, subtle, but powerful ways. We do our own recovery work and become a living demonstration of hope, self-love, comfort, and health. These quiet behaviors can be a powerful message. Inviting (not ordering or demanding) someone to go to a meeting is a powerful way to carry the message. Going to our meetings and sharing how recovery works for us is a powerful way to carry the message. Being who we are and allowing our Higher Power to guide our actions are powerful ways to carry the message. Often, we find ourselves carrying the message more effectively than we do when we set out to reform, convince, or coerce someone into recovery. Caretaking and controlling are not ways to carry the message. All those behaviors carry is codependency.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Flexibility If we examine our behavior patterns when we were eating compulsively, we usually find that they were quite rigid. Our mental obsession and physical addiction kept us bound in repetitious behavior, which permitted very little spontaneity. With so much time and energy tied up in eating, we had very little flexibility. Most of our free time was used to support our addiction in one way or another. As we recover, we may find ourselves threatened by unstructured time or by impromptu changes in schedule. An unexpected holiday can bring on feelings of emptiness or boredom. Changed plans can leave us feeling confused and unsettled. Without a firm routine, we may become uneasy. Remembering that abstinence is the most important thing in our life without exception can provide an anchor when we are required to be flexible. As long as we remain abstinent, we are free to alter schedules and plans according to preference and convenience. Flexibility and spontaneity are possible when abstinence is firm. Show me how to be flexible.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"Faith is like the air in a balloon. If you've got it you're filled. If you don't, you're empty." —Peggy Cahn Being faith-filled takes effort, not unlike becoming a good writer, tennis player, or pianist. Faith grows within our hearts, but we must devote time to foster this growth. Daily discussions with God are required, frequent quiet times to hear God's messages to us - just as practice on the court, hitting balls or sitting for extended periods at the typewriter or a piano are necessary to attainment of these goals. Life's difficulties are eased when we have faith. The most frightening situation, a job interview, an evaluation with our boss, a showdown with a friend, can be handled confidently when we let our faith work for us. But, we must first work for it, work to attain it and work to keep it. Like any skill, it gets rusty with lack of use. I will make sure to add to my reserves today. We never know when we may need to let our faith direct our every action. I will make a friend of my higher power, and that partnership will carry me over any troubled time.

I Will Never Speak to Him Again

If I were to have a chance to say it to him once, without being screamed at in "defense," this would be the Why: THE BIG POINT: 1. You left “lifelong friends” because they “betrayed your trust.” Well, you betrayed mine too: • The birthday week-long lie in all its forms. • Never mentioning Li although all counseled you that you’d better. • Never letting me know you’d dated P. C. although all counseled you that you’d better. • Continuing to see both as friends, but not ever tell me. • Not telling me there was a party. • Specifically lying to me about what you did that evening. • Then lying even about who was there. And yes, of course I have to wonder what else. 2. Your anger at Jo, I finally found out Wednesday night Nov 28, was because she “broke your confidence.” A very confidence that was YOUR break of MINE!

Affirmations

I allow prosperity to enter my life on a higher level than ever before. I delight in the financial security that is a constant in my life. There is plenty of time for everything I need and want to do. I express my needs and feelings. Divine wisdom guides me. I am guided throughout this day in making the right choices. Divine intelligence continuously guides me in the realization of my goals. I am safe.

Feelings Work

I feel: Confused Tired Not as desperate Very grateful I think it is because: Some sanity is creeping in! Next time I'll do differently: More for ME. EVERY day! 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am so incredibly self-honest 2. I keep going 3. I am healthy 4. I am smart 5. I am kind-hearted

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: Hard. But I AM~ 1. MA 2. Her handyman, whom I will call soon 3. My floors 4. The love I’ve had in my life Every word of today’s Language of Letting Go. Here they are again: "for most this amazing day . . . . . . for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes." e.e. cummings Let us be thankful today for all simple obvious things: for the sun's rising this morning without our having to awaken it; for another good turn the earth makes today without expecting anything in return; for our ability to know right and wrong by heart. Let us give thanks for all small things that mean the world to us; for bread and cheese and clean running water; for our ability to call our enemies our friends, to forgive even ourselves; for our own bodies, however sagging and worn, which insist on continuing for at least another day. How much ordinary daily good do I take for granted? 5. My breath. So grateful for my breath 6. And that my piano practicing has been going better. 7. I just bought myself 24 dollar earrings (online) for Christmas present to self! 8. The opportunity to eat so many vegetables and fruits; may I take it. 9. Toast 10. Water 11. Coffee 12. GMO free soy milk 13. Spinach 14. Collards 15. Broccoli 16. Artichokes! 17. Honest people 18. Children 19. This particular class of sweeties 20. My side of my Sleep Number Select Comfort bed last night worked! Yay! After so long! So comfortable! 21. Heat 22. Electricity 23. Water. Water to drink. Water for washing self. Water for washing dishes. Water for washing clothes. Water even for swimming. 24. My dr. should (finally) come today! : ) *I * had to cancel LAST week. 25. ***I might get doggie in a wee and a half, for the whole weekend! Yay! L shouldn’t be here and I shouldn’t be there, so I should have enough time at home to have her here! 26. I am SO EXCITED that I can BE so excited about something that is NOT a man!!!! 27. That I own my piano 28. That I have a new book to read (for the class). It is not necessarily one I would pick (!) (The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh), it will (hopefully) keep my mind busy. 29. Onions 30. My ability to walk 31. That I can see 32. That I can speak 33. My oak tree 34. Lessons I’ve learned from indigenous people 35. And from eastern thought 36. And western too 37. That I was in England!!!!! 38. K.D. I like her very much and am so glad she got the job. 39. I have had two or three fires in my fireplace this year. Haven’t done that in Years! Well, did now! 40. O said, “You loved J with your whole heart for 28 years. You got over HIM – you’ll get over THIS!” Good 41. That I do like teaching math. Years aggo I thought I wouldn’t. 42. Salad 43. Blankets 44. Sheets 45. Pillows 46. Pillow cases 47. Mattress 48. Dressers 49. Closet (TINY, but I do love it). 50. That I can write 51. And read 52. My Nook 53. Hard copy print books too 54. That I gave my kiddies nice Centers yesterday. 55. I have some nice things planned for them today too. 56. Birds. Their look. Their song. Their flight. 57. My eyeglasses. That I have them. 58. That wine does not give me a headache. 59. And – that I do not need it! Yay. 60. My mother 61. M and her love for me 62. The plans I have for this weekend. 63. And that neither involve L. 64. Photos 65. My iPhone’s camera 66. Legos. For the kiddies 67. Beautiful whimsical jigsaw puzzles. For me. 68. Exercise. Walking. Malls. May I do more! : ) 69. No storm today 70. Exercise bands 71. And exercise DVDs 72. Comedies 73. Bookshelves 74. Painted walls 75. Walls at all 76. My beautiful beautiful school. 77. And that I can see so much nature as I sit and walk about it 78. That I do not have pneumonia. I have had it – it’s not fun. 79. That I don’t (any longer) smoke. 80. That I am DOING these gratitudes! 81. That I have so many. 82. My new friendship with Jo. 83. My lamp that I picked out, paid for, and bought for myself by myself. The one with the stones in it. Like river stones. 84. Thich Nhat Hanh 85. My ability to meditate (I should do it more!) 86. This blog 87. Everyone who reads it. 88. Dresses 89. Skirts 90. Pants 91. Undies 92. Socks 93. Stockings 94. Shoes 95. My little jacket – now I need a winter coat : ) 96. Boots 97. Slacks 98. Tops 99. My hair 100. A little makeup

Today's Reading - Today's Gift

"for most this amazing day . . . . . . for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes." e.e. cummings Let us be thankful today for all simple obvious things: for the sun's rising this morning without our having to awaken it; for another good turn the earth makes today without expecting anything in return; for our ability to know right and wrong by heart. Let us give thanks for all small things that mean the world to us; for bread and cheese and clean running water; for our ability to call our enemies our friends, to forgive even ourselves; for our own bodies, however sagging and worn, which insist on continuing for at least another day. How much ordinary daily good do I take for granted?

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Back to the Steps Go back to the Steps. Go back to a Step. When we don't know what to do next, when we feel confused, upset, distraught, at the end of our rope, overwhelmed, full of self will, rage, of despair, go back to the Steps. No matter what situation we are facing, working a Step will help. Focus on one, trust your instincts, and work it. What does it mean to work a Step? Think about it. Meditate on it. Instead of focusing on the confusion, the problems, or the situation causing our despair or rage, focus on the Step. Think about how that Step might apply. Hold on to it. Hang on as tightly as we hang on to our confusion or the problem. The Steps are a solution. They work. We can trust them to work. We can trust where the Steps will lead us. When we don't know what step to take next, take on the the Twelve. Today, I will concentrate on using the Twelve Steps to solve problems and keep me in balance and harmony. I will work a Step to the best of my ability. I will learn to trust the Steps, and rely on them instead of on my protective, codependent behaviors.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

A Strong Father Many of us understand God in terms of a father, one on whom we can rely no matter what the situation. Our biological father may have been a tyrant or a pal, remote or accessible, firm or weak. However much we loved him and depended on him, he was only a person and not infallible. For recovery from compulsive overeating, we need a source of strength to which we may turn in any emergency. We require a Power to lean on through the minor ups and downs of every day. Though our families and friends support us, their assistance is not enough. They can provide neither the control nor the sustenance, which we need in order to recover from our illness. The firm, unfailing guidance which we require comes from our Higher Power. If we are willing to again become as children and cast ourselves on God without reservation, we shall receive His support. It is His Power that frees us from our false dependency on food. Be for us a strong Father, we pray.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"The idea of God is different in every person. The joy of my recovery was to find God within me." Angela L. Wozniak The program promises peace. Day by day, step-by-step, we move closer to it. Each time we clearly are touched by someone else, and each time we touch another, carries us closer to a realization of God's presence, in others, in ourselves, in all experiences. The search for God is over, just as soon as we realize the Spirit is as close as our thoughts, our breath. Coming to believe in a greater power brings such relief to us in our daily struggles. And on occasion we still fight for control to be all-powerful ourselves only to realize that the barriers we confront are of our own making. We are on easy street, just as soon as we choose to let God be our guide in all decisions, large and small. The program's greatest gift to us is relief from anxiety, the anxiety that so often turned us to booze, or pills, or candy. Relief is felt every time we let go of the problem that's entrapped us and wait for the comfort and guidance God guarantees. God's help is mine just as quickly as I fully avail myself of it. I will let go of today's problems.

I have to

do my regular things. I HAVE been practicing piano. But my house is messy and I have not been completing my spiritual work. I need these things now. Will do! Must do!

Affirmation

The law of attraction brings only good into my life.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

Um – Okay - I am grateful: 1. L’s honesty last night. 2. And that at least I understand things better now. 3. These things are mostly not about me at all. They are his problems. 4. My ability to see MY part in it. 5. My commitment to change my flaws (jealousy; care about what others’ think; need to be so number 1 to someone else). 6. I am here 7. Alive 8. And well 9. And breathing 10. And thinking 11. And feeling. I existed and still do through all of it. Helping a girlfriend this morning, brought ME memories I did all this! : I was the biggest victim ever! I mean, it was real - I had, all during the same time: • 4 car accidents (I wasn't driving) • lyme disease • double pneumonia • I had to spend over a year out of three in bed • no money • no car • no refrigerator • no bathroom electricity • rats in my yard - rats! (and I have an actual rats phobia) • my dog died • my bird died • my mother's crazies were back • while I was going through a divorce - as a Catholic - and sure I would burn in hell for all eternity for it • I was miserable and felt like there's just something defective about me and I am not able to have a good life and there is no hope DURING all this, I had to and did • get a job - and do it well and do a LOT of extra (run the school choir...) • get a second job and work them both and do really really well at them • then get a better main job • a Master's degree to keep the job- classes to which I had to walk 3 miles on pills in a neck brace, but I got a 4.0 • got the divorce • and bought a house - having never written a check in my life And doesn’t that all tell me that I AM a survivor! 12. That I was super-teacher yesterday. The truth is that I was concerned that if I let myself operate at even 99.5 %, I would continue to go down and collapse into exhaustion. So I stayed at 100%! Which means the, the innocent children, got the best of me! Good! 13. And that they are SO good – so dear – such wonderful children. 14. I am grateful that they are, for them! 15. And grateful that they are, for me. *I * get to spend my days with them! 16. We are working on Little Red Riding Hood. That is so fun. 17. Today is book course. That’s nice. 18. My hands. I have them both and they both work 19. I had GREAT piano practice yesterday. Finally! Running so late. So tired, got up so late. Will get back to these!

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"Limited expectations yield only limited results." Susan Laurson Willig Schoolchildren perform according to the expectations their teachers have of them. likewise, what we women achieve depends greatly on what we believe about ourselves, and too many of us have too little belief in ourselves. Perhaps we grew up in a negative household or had a non-supportive marriage. But we contributed, too, in our negative self-assessment. The good news is that it no longer needs to control it. We can boost our own performance by lifting our own expectations, even in the absence of support from others. It may not be easy, but each of us is capable of changing a negative self-image to a positive one. It takes commitment to the program, a serious relationship with our higher power, and the development of positive, healthy relationships with others. It's true; we can't control other people in our lives. And we can't absolutely control the outcome of any particular situation. But we can control our own attitudes. Interestingly, when we've begun tagging ourselves competent and capable, instead of inadequate, we find that other people and other situations become more to our liking, too. I will be fair with myself. I can do what i need to do wherever i am today. only I can hold myself down.

Affirmations

I know I am worth loving. I know I am worth loving. I know I am worth loving. I know I am worth loving. I know I am worth loving.

Feelings Work

There must be a God, I swear. I feel: Okay. Exhausted. Sad. But okay. I think it is because: Virtually no sleep. Breaking up with L. Next time I'll do differently: I have no idea. Trying. Um. Listen to self. Skip over the vitriolic stage. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am being kind now 2. And not crude or curse-y 3. I have a degree 4. And a graduate degree 5. I think AND I feel

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today (and yesterday - oops:)

I am grateful: Uh oh. Grats. Must do grats. Hard hard hard. There are many things for which I am grateful. Must tell self: don’t’ JUDGE them, just DO them I am grateful: 1. I have both my hands 2. I can see 3. I have a couch I’m on right now 4. I have tv 5. I have electricity 6. I have talked with MA, 7. M, 8. O, and 9. Jn today. 10. And texted with S. That’s all different than alone. 11. I have had nice times with L. 12. Texting 13. Cell pones 14. St 15. Making list of friends right now. And on it I have: Close = MA, M, O, St. 16. Light: ML, S, K, Ma? 17. Maybe temporary: S, Jo, J, my mother (because age and illness) 18. That I can speak 19. That I can breathe 20. That I have the eye drops I need 21. I even have some wine here; that’s a luxury for me. 22. That I am every trying to be a better and better person. 23. That I keep trying to do the next right thing. Including yesterday. Including today. 24. That I am able to have orgasms. 25. That I REMEMBER being sure I could never kiss again as the very thought of it was vomitous. But I could and I did and I loved it! 26. So maybe although I feel I can never trust 27. That now, at 10:43 pm, I have told him in an email that I shall never speak to him again. And I shan’t. I have found out still more. 28. That O loves me and M does too and J used to and I should be ok 29. God made me 30. God loves me 31. I am alive 32. Where there is life, there is hope. Right? Right? 33. Monday now. I am grateful that I am not angry anymore. 34. Nor devastated. 35. Grateful for the readings 36. And that I can see straight after only 3 hours of lying down with eyes closed – some of it sleeping – on sofa in den with tv on, not even in the bed 37. I shall eat green veggies at dinner, in a soupy thing with protein too 38. I shall sleep from very early tonight 39. That although I must stay broken up with L, I have become calm and kind about it. 40. And so has he. 41. Phew. The TWO strong breaths that came to me while writing those last two. 42. No after-school meeting today. Phew. 43. My heated mattress pad. 44. The kisses of L’s I’ve enjoyed! 45. That I don’t say that with a touch of sadness, and I don’t know why I don’t, but I’m glad for it! 46. That I can knit 47. That I have a car 48. And gas in it for today’s trip to work and back (and beyond). 49. That I have been loved by men, in my life ( I think lol). 50. My body. It works for me. 51. AND is pretty. 52. Music 53. Walking. 54. My hair 55. My skin 56. Electricity 57. No snow today. (Must find car scrapy thing for tomorrow!). 58. That I’m okay. SO grateful that I’m okay. 59. JJ 60. Vegan restaurants 61. And that I’ve been to some. 62. That I shall even send L the two little gifts I’ve already bought him for Christmas. 63. Or – wait – maybe I shouldn’t! Okay, that I’ll make the right decision, either way 64. That I am doing the right thing and going to the thing where M is being honored next week 65. And made the big (required) donation to that good cause 66. Kandinsky 67. Lee Krasner 68. Good movies 69. Smiles 70. Laughter 71. My mother yesterday. Kind and not pushy about L. 72. Her love 73. Everyone’s love that I have. 74. And have ever had 75. The wonderful orgasms I’ve had in my life 76. And I’ll have more : ) 77. And maybe I will lie with a man in closeness and intimacy someday again. 78. Birds 79. Trees 80. Snowflakes 81. Breezes 82. Golden leaves 83. My brain 84. That I can breathe 85. That I don’t smoke (anymore) 86. That I haven’t, in so many years (decades). 87. Centers (for the kids) 88. Spelling – I don’t know why – I just like teaching it 89. That I am usually not crude. 90. Pictures and paintings of people dancing, those figures like Hopi or something 91. Valerie 92. Thich Nhat Hanh 93. Strength 94. Humor 95. My stomach works for me 96. And my kidneys 97. Showers 98. Stockings 99. Bras 100. Little Miss-Matched socks

Today's Reading - Today's Gift

"Giving up is not giving in, nor is it failing. It is no longer needling to be right." Anonymous "... ... ... Giving up may mean many different things in different situations, but it does not mean doing nothing. It means doing what seems right for us and giving up the expectation that what happens will be exactly what we want. What can I gain by giving up something that is harmful today?

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Letting Go of Self-Criticism Look how far we've come! It's good to focus on the task ahead, on what remains to be done. It's important to stop and feel pleased about what we've accomplished too. Yes, it may seem that the change has been slow. At times, change is grueling. yes, we've taken steps backward. But we're right where we're supposed to be. We're right where we need to be. And we have come so far. Sometimes by leaps, sometimes with tiny steps, sometimes kicking and screaming all the while, sometimes with sleeves rolled up and white knuckles, we've learned. Grown. Changed. Look how far we've come. Today, I will appreciate my progress. I will let myself feel good about what has been accomplished.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

What Am I Avoiding Now? If I am becoming preoccupied with thought of food and eating, I am probably avoiding something in the present, which troubles me. We compulsive overeaters have a long history of using food to avoid facing whatever is bothering us. Abstaining may not solve the problem, but at least we do not eat ourselves into a worse situation. Sometimes we are aware of a difficult task that needs to be done, and we think we require extra food to fortify ourselves in order to accomplish the task. Remembering that excess food incapacitates rather than strengthens is essential to our recovery. A short-term euphoria is not worth the long-term anguish, which inevitably follows loss of control. We are learning to turn to a Power greater-than-ourselves when we have problems that we formerly avoided or tried to solve by eating. Whatever our perplexity, God has the answer, if we will surrender our wills and listen for His guidance. Teach me to trust You completely.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"We are all held in place by the pressure of the crowd around us. We must all lean upon others. Let us see that we lean gracefully and freely and acknowledge their support." Margaret Collier Graham We did not come into this world alone. And our voyage through this life is in concert with many others: some who directly aid us, while others seem to hinder our paths. We don't have full knowledge, however. We can't determine the many ways we are being helped to take the right steps, even by those who block our way for the moment. Likewise, our presence is helping to pave the way for both the friends and the strangers we will encounter today, at work, on the street, at the meeting perhaps. We have all been charged, in this life, with a similar responsibility -- to help one another fulfill our destinies. Our impatience with one another, our wavering love and acceptance of each other, at times our disavowal of our brothers and sisters comes because we fail to understand the necessary part we each play in the drama of one another's life. In my personal drama, I am sharing the stage with everyone else I encounter today. I need a supporting cast. And I need applause. I will give it freely today.

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Awareness When we first become aware of a problem, a situation, or a feeling, we may react with anxiety or fear. There is no need to fear awareness. No need. Awareness is the first step toward positive change and growth. It's the first step toward solving the problem, or getting the need met, the first step toward the future. It's how we focus on the next lesson. Awareness is how life, the Universe, and our Higher Power get our attention and prepare us for change. The process of becoming changed begins with awareness. Awareness, acceptance, and change - that's the cycle. We can accept the temporary discomfort from awareness because that's how we're moved to a better place. We can accept the temporary discomfort because we can trust God, and ourselves. Today, I will be grateful for any awareness I encounter. I will display gratitude, peace, an dignity when life gets my attention. I will remember that it's okay to accept the temporary discomfort from awareness because I can trust that it's my Higher Power moving me forward.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Regaining Control Temporary loss of control resulting in a slip does not need to send us off on a protracted binge. We have tools, which we may use to regain control and reestablish firm abstinence. If we find ourselves deviating from our food plan, however slightly, we need to make contact with our sponsor or another OA member. honestly admitting that we are having trouble prevents us from losing touch with reality and slipping back into our old habits. If we pretend that all is well when it is not, we cut ourselves off from the help and support we need. When we are tempted, it is a good idea to remove ourselves from the source of temptation and get involved in another activity. Reading the literature or going to a meeting can renew our OA commitment. In the last analysis, it is our Higher Power who provides the control, which we lack. To turn over our lack of control is to open ourselves to the Power that keeps us abstinent. Control my life, Lord.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"Change occurs when one becomes what she is, not when she tries to become what she is not." Ruth P. Freedman Learning self-acceptance, and then loving the selves we are, present perhaps our two biggest hurdles to the attainment of emotional and spiritual health. Fortunately, they are not insurmountable hurdles. The program offers ready assistance. Women everywhere are making great strides in self-love and self-acceptance. We are learning self-love. And we are changing. The support we can give our sisters, and the support we receive, multiplies many times the healthy energy created - healthy energy that touches us all. Emotional and spiritual health are gifts promised by the program, when we work it. We must move beyond our perfectionism and relish our humanness. And the Steps are the way. We must learn humility and develop faith, and the Steps are the way. learning to love all our parts, the qualities we like and the traits that discouragingly hang on, offers a new freedom. A freedom that invites change. A freedom that safeguards the emotional and spiritual well-being that we strive for. Confidence will come with my healthy self-acceptance.

I want

to not raise my voice today.

Affirmations

I turn every experience into an opportunity Each problem has a solution. All experiences are opportunities for me to learn and grow. I am safe. I am deeply fulfilled by all that I do Each moment of the day is special to me as I follow my higher instincts and listen to my heart. I am at peace with my world and affairs Every word I speak and thought I have is an affirmation. Negative thoughts bring negative experiences. Today I choose positive thoughts and words for my good.

Feelings Work

I feel/I think it is because: 1. Okay. Believe it or not. I don't like what has happened with L. AND I would have MUCH preferred to just stay in the relationship even with its imperfections, rather than be alone or start over. We had plenty of good. I was coming to terms with that. But it turns out, he really IS disturbed. And that is NOT my fault. And there is nothing I can do about it. 2. Very grateful for friends. Including M, and S and Jo. 3. Sad. 4. But I know that's normal. 5. Hopeful a little bit, for a future. 6. Determined to LIVE. TODAY! Next time I will do differently: Heed the early warning signs. Follow my own gut. Keep doing my spiritual work every day. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am strong 2. I am brave 3. I am self-aware and self-honest! 4. People like me 5. I am loyal.

Today's Reading - Twenty Four Hours a Day

Thought for the Day Instead of pretending to be perfectionists, in [program] we are content if we are making progress. The main thing is to be growing. We realize that perfectionism is only a result of false pride and an excuse to save our faces. In [program] we are willing to make mistakes and to stumble, provided we are always stumbling forward. We are not so interested in what we are as in what we are becoming. We are on the way, not at the goal. And we will be on the way as long as we live. No [program person] has ever "arrived." But we are getting better. Am I making progress? Meditation for the Day Each new day brings an opportunity to do some little thing that will help to make a better world that will bring God's kingdom a little nearer to being realized on earth. Take each day's happenings as opportunities for something you can do for God. In that spirit, a blessing will attend all that you do. Offering this day's service to God, you are sharing in His work. You do not have to do great things. Prayer for the Day I pray that today I may do the next thing, the unselfish thing, the loving thing. I pray that I may be content with doing small things as long as they are right.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. That I am off from work today. 2. That I have a tv. I want the cable wires fixed, but at least I have one! : ) 3. That I enjoyed my breakfast. There are people who are starving, and here I’ve had not only sustenance, but I enjoyed my meal. Wow. 4. That I can read. 5. That I have already (6:42 am) practiced Schubert on the piano today. Badly! Because of emotions, but I HAVE that! 6. That L. did send me a loving and honest answer email. I’m afraid it’s what I feared. But I appreciate that he sent it. 7. I am grateful that I can breathe on my own. 8. And just made hazelnut coffee. Fresh. Gonna go get a cup now. 9. AND NOW IT IS SATURDAY. Wow. So much has changed. But I am grateful! For today’s readings. Which are so right for me right now! 10. I am grateful that I gave my mother such a wonderful Thanksgiving! 11. And that she is SO MUCH better since coming home this time. 12. And that she let me know how she loved Thanksgiving with me. 13. And that L was NOT here. With all that has happened, and that I have really broken up with him, I’m glad he was not an interference in our Thanksgiving. That we had that special day together, my mother and me. And did NOT share it with HIM! 14. Grateful that S and Jo have invited me to dinner tonight. 15. And that M has invited me to breakfast. I don’t know that I’ll go to either, but I’m grateful for both invitations! 16. Grateful for Schubert 17. And Mendelssohn 18. And my piano 19. And O, who has taught me so much. About playing, but also about how it helps LIFE! 20. For my parents paying for all those lessons. 21. And encouraging me so. 22. This sentence, from today’s Touchstones: “First our behavior change, then our self-esteem improved.” May I treat myself with great self-respect, starting today! 23. Really think now – what am I grateful for today: My breath. That I can breathe on my own 24. And that I can see! 25. Good doctors 26. My hands 27. That I type so well 28. And so quickly 29. And enjoy it so much 30. And play piano 31. This blog 32. Everyone who reads it. Ever 33. The Internet 34. Phones 35. Cell phones 36. My Nook 37. My piano 38. My little house 39. Every minute of happiness I’ve ever had. 40. That despite my sadness, my breath is going much more deeply now. 41. Sitcoms 42. Books 43. Chopin 44. Bach 45. Scarlatti 46. My successes in piano 47. My successes as a student 48. My successes as a teacher 49. People who respect me 50. People who are honest 51. There is no war on my street 52. I have water. Plenty of water 53. And vegan food 54. And organic foods, even! 55. Celery 56. Wood floors 57. Electricity. Remember those right-after-storm days. I have electricity today 58. And even a heated mattress pad! 59. That I did not waste money on an iPad too. I almost did. But I really don’t need one! 60. So I’m even grateful that they didn’t have it that day! Or I might have bought it! 61. My sofas, one in l.r. and one in den. 62. And my loveseat 63. And my wing chair. That I can actually remember from when I was 3 years old! Because it was my mother’s. 64. My fireplace. 65. That I am honest. 66. And self-honest. 67. And keep confidences 68. God 69. Thich Nhat Hanh 70. Li 71. MA 72. ML 73. S 74. St 75. O 76. M 77. JJ 78. EJ 79. Birdie 80. That I am in contact with people in other countries 81. That I went to England! 82. By myself! 83. And LOVED it! 84. And I may go to Russia next summer with O! 85. And I’m considering going to France by myself too. 86. That I can write 87. And read 88. And speak. I remember those 8 months when I had no voice. 89. That I am a vegan 90. And a Buddhist 91. That Buddhism has no rules 92. That I am open-minded. About race, religion, politics, eating, … 93. “My” oak tree 94. Sweetheart little doggie. She is with J now, but oh, I do love her! 95. Oooh –oooh – and now that I’m not seeing shit-boy, I can take her here for weekends!!!!! Yaaaaay! 96. Beaches 97. The park right near me. I can walk to it! 98. “Swimming.” I stink at it but I love it! 99. That conversation autistic little Ji had with me. 100. And that I have the drawing she gave me at that time. 101. And a frame in which to put it! 102. That I DID get to (over) 100 today! Yay!

Today's Reading - Touchstones (which is really for men)

"Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself." Abraham Heschel Most of us have struggled with our self-esteem. We believed if we felt better about ourselves we could change some of our behavior. In recovery we found the reverse to be true. First our behavior change, then our self-esteem improved. Only after we stop doing things we don't respect can we hear and accept the goodwill of others around us. Then we see our value as men because we are upholding strong self-images by our actions. This is not easy to do. As we learn, we continue to say no to weak behaviors, and we are released to feel greater dignity. Saying no to my negative behavior today will improve my self-respect.

Today's Reading - Today's Gift

"I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible day." Judith Viorst Some days, for all our good intentions, seem to go sour from the start. Maybe we're tired or feeling ill or preoccupied with a problem that seems insurmountable. Maybe we just got up on the wrong side of the bed. Living one day at a time means getting the most we can out of today. It also means we know today does not have to doom or dictate tomorrow. If we have a bad day today, that's all it is - a bad day. It does not mean we're bad or that the world is against us or that we might as well give in to our worst attitudes and behaviors since nothing is going right anyway. And it does not mean tomorrow will be a bad day, too. When we have a bad day - and everyone does - there are a few things we can do while we wait it out. We can slow down. We can be quiet. We can pray. And we can let go. How else will we be able to recognize a wonderful day? Am I living today - good or bad - and not tomorrow or yesterday?

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Surrender Surrender means saying, "Okay, God. I'll do whatever You want." Faith in the God of our recovery means we trust that, eventually, we'll like doing that. Today, I will surrender to my Higher Power. I'll trust that God's plan for me will be good, even if it is different than I hoped for or expected.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Principles before Personalities One of the strengths of our fellowship lies in the fact that we place principles before personalities. OA is not a social club. We form meaningful and lasting friendships, but personal friendship is always subordinate to the program itself. Putting principles before personalities means that we may expect help and consideration from any other member. Conversely, we are expected to give our attention and assistance to anyone who asks, regardless of how well we like that individual personally. The Twelve Steps and principles of OA unity are more important than the personal relationships of any members in our group. Because we are committed to abstinence from compulsive overeating and to working the program, we respond honestly and say what we believe to be in the best interest of those we sponsor and those we talk with. We do no one a favor if we dilute our program in order to make it more palatable to someone we personally like. May I remember to place principles before personalities.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"'If onlys' are lonely." Morgan Jennings The circumstances of our lives seldom live up to our expectations or desires. However, in each circumstance we are offered an opportunity for growth or change, a chance for greater understanding of life's heights and pitfalls. Each time we choose to lament what isn't, we close the door on the invitation to a better existence. We simply don't know just what's best for us. Our vision is limited. Less so today than yesterday, but limited still. The experiences we are offered will fail to satisfy our expectations because we expect so much less than God has planned for us in the days ahead. We get what we need, in the way of relationships, adventures, joys and sorrows, today and every day. Celebrating what we get and knowing there is good in it eases whatever trial we are undergoing. We are cared for, right now. We nee not lament what we think we need. We do have what we need. We will always get what we need, when we need it. I will breathe deeply and relax. At this moment my every need is being attended to. My life is unfolding exactly as it should.

I have broken up with him for good. And here's why.

Here's how. Yesterday I got out of lawyer early. Could have met him downtown. He was already in his selfish mode getting ready to see the friends. Didn't even pick up on what I said. Then said to me, after refusing to come here for Thanksgiving and I have found out that he said to his friends, that it would be too boring with my mother! He, who took his mother EVERYWHERE these people went, for YEARS! To me, he denies saying it. I know he did. His friend yelled at him for it. He said to me, "THIS will be my THANKSGIVING CELEBRATION!' I said, "Ouch." Because he'd told ME he doesn't care about or DO anything about Thanksgiving. So he changed his tone, got really mad, and said, "Oh! You don't WANT me to have fun?!" I went home and wrote him a break-up letter. And I meant it. He didn't answer. 6 hours went by. I spoke with 3 people who are his friends, but now mine too. I found out that he used to always want to take walks with another woman, since me, and did once and didn't tell me. AND that LAST WEEK there was a party and he went to it, did not invite me, and lied to me about where he was! With their permission, I called him. He was like an insane person. "I did that to protect you!" Me: From what? You've gone to other parties I couldn't attend because I was an hour away and go to bed early and work the next day. I was never hurt. I always said have fun! And you'd send me pictures! Him: I didn't want you hurt because you weren't invited. Me: I WAS invited by them. Just not by you. Him: I didn't want you hurt. Me: Why would I be hurt? I never was before! Him: But what if you would have been this time? I was protected you. Me: No. You lied because this time I was off the next day, and you were afraid I'd want to come. Him: What an interpretation. Who are these people who are your enemies and mine? Me: I have only one enemy. You. The liar./ He went from saying it's all fictitious. To saying they are our enemies - over and over. To saying I'm interpreting. To saying he was protecting me. I swear, he sounded crazy./ I asked why he didn't respond to the fact that I broke up with him. He said because he was out with his friends. I said but you're out with your friends now, and now that YOUR feelings are involved, I have hung up on you and you have called back TEN times! So I wrote this: "You had NO compassion for how I was suffering and broke up with you today. (You also had no compassion to answer me this morning although I pleaded with you for an answer). I suffered for hours and hours and hours. But you were out with your friends and so I was inconvenient and unimportant.But the minute YOU felt insulted, you called over and over and over again. Suddenly, I was not too inconvenient. Because it was about YOU.L, either you are the worst liar ever, or you are insane. You are STILL deflecting - that it's fictitious ... on and on. Oh, L. You have hurt me SO MUCH. But I'm still luckier than you. At least I can live with myself. Without delusions and denial and lies. You do not have ONE clean honest relationship that I know of. Wow." He wrote back, "Dear..... Pleasr let us discuss this later. I feel terrible about your hurt. I am hurt too. Let us not do tbis to each other. I am very.sorry.for what happened. Love, L So I answered, and I'm proud of it: "Of course, Dear! Not now - while you are out with your friends, and have something else to do - but later, when you are lonely - THAT'S when you pick up the throwaway girl. No!" Later I sent him this, and this is the last time I intend to communicate with him EVER.Rod Stewart - Reason To Believe - 45 RPM Play video Original Mercury Records #73224 Debut 7/17/1971 Peaked at #62 on the Billboard Hot 100 Chart. This was the original "A-Side" that was meant to be the bigger hit. The flip side is "Maggie… 00:04:43 Added on 6/21/10 36,158 views L, please. Please. I have loved you for a good long time now. I am hurting so much. Please, L. Listen to this. And then maybe you will be kind enough to let me work on healing. Thank you. Lynn http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSsO3DDRrxc He wrote back a couple of times: " I couldn't call you. It's too hard on the road." (Except he DID - TEN times when it suited HIM). And "I'm sorry this happened." And "I love you just the same." And "I'm home now. Call if you're up." I have not answered and am not. I'm finished. I am sad because there were many nice components to this relationship. And because I trusted him. And because I don't want to be alone and I also don't want to start over. But I swear, and I didn't put this in one of my earlier emails to him: that he is either the biggest liar ever, or he is insane. I think now, that he is just crazy. Sweet and means well but much childhood damage, which he has repressed and does not face at all. I am sad for him. I care for him. But I WILL NOT see him again. And although I am sad, which I think is normal, I feel cleaner somehow too. Like a dark cloud is lifting away.

Today's Reading - Today's Gift

"Happiness is not a place to travel to. It's a way of getting there." Anonymous Those of us who climb mountains find joy in reaching the top. However, the climb would not make much sense if there were not things to enjoy on the way up. If we groan and complain, it will be hard to feel joy at the summit. However, if we are able to enjoy each day's journey, it makes all the difference in the world. In the midst of each chore, we can notice the sunset or the unique and beautiful surroundings of each day. Each of our days is different. Happiness is not a goal we are struggling to reach some time in the future. It is a gift we can give ourselves today. If we enjoy some parts of each day of our hike, we will also feel joy at the summit. What form will my gift of happiness take today?

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Healthy Sexuality Many areas of our life need healing. One important part of our life is our sexuality. Our feelings and beliefs about our sexuality, our ability to nurture, cherish, and enjoy our sexuality, our ability to respect ourselves sexually, our ability to let go of sexual shame and confusion, may all be impaired or confused by our codependency. Our sexual energy may be blocked. Or for some of us, sex may be the only way we learned to connect with people. Our sexuality may not be connected to the rest of us; sex may not be connected to love - for others or ourselves. Some of us were sexually abused as children. Some of us may have gotten involved in sexuality addictive behaviors - compulsive sexual behaviors that got out of control and produced shame. Some of us may have gotten involved in sexual codependency: not paying attention to what we wanted, or didn't want, sexually; allowing ourselves to get involved sexually because it was what the other person wanted; shutting off our sexuality along with our other feelings; denying ourselves healthy enjoyment of ourselves as sexual beings. Our sexuality is a part of ourselves that deserves healing attention and energy. It is a part of us that we can allow to become connected to the whole of us; it is a part of us that we can stop being ashamed of. It is okay and healthy to allow our sexual energy to open up and become healed. It is connected to our creativity and to our heart. We do not have to allow our sexual energy to control our relationships or us. We can establish and maintain healthy, appropriate boundaries around our sexuality. We can discover what that means in our life. We can enjoy the gift of being human beings who have been given the gift of sexual energy, without abusing or discounting that gift. Today, I will begin to integrate my sexuality into the rest of my personality. God, help me let go of my fears and shame around my sexuality. Show me the issues I need to face concerning my sexuality. Help me open myself to healing in that area of my life.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Turning On Before OA, many of us were in a self-centered rut. We had little enthusiasm for anything except food, and food proved to be a false friend. When we come to OA and admit that we are powerless over food, we can turn on to a Power greater than ourselves. Just as we do not need o understand the complexities of electricity in order to benefit from it, we do not need to understand everything about God in order to receive His power. Taking the Twelve Steps turns us on to a new way of life, motivated by faith in a Higher Power. Turning on to this Power means that we are no longer alone. We do not have to try to run our lives by ourselves. God can and will relieve us of our obsessions with food and our obsessions with self. He gives us strength and enthusiasm for the living of our daily lives. Through surrender, we become recipients of the Power of the universe. Take away the blindness that prevents us from turning on to Your power.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"When you send out real love, real love will return to you." Florence Scovel Shinn Real love is selfless love. It expects nothing in return. It is not conditional. it doesn't keep score It is too seldom given. many of us came into the program hurting, feeling unloved, looking desperately for love, unable to love selflessly. But we are learning. We are climbing the same mountain, all of us. Our particular paths will cross the paths of many others before reaching the top where we will find full enlightenment. And any path we cross has a special contribution to make to our own progress. We can be grateful for all intersecting paths, no matter how adverse they seem at the time. We can offer all our fellow travelers real love, and our own trip will benefit many fold. We need not be ashamed of our desire for love. Nor need we feel shame that we've bargained for it. But we do need to understand that the kind of love we seek can only be gained when we quit searching for it and simply offer it to all the people in our midst. I will look into the hearts of all the people I encounter today adn offer them love. I'll receive that which I give.

So Sad. So sad.

L. loves me. But he has libido problems, and what we all think is severe childhood abuse which he's repressed. So he backs up when things don't change from the past. He has written me back. A loving and honest letter. And I love him for it. Including this: "Upon reflection, however, I can report that this is not the first time this situation has arisen, or rather has been reported to me, in a relationship in which I was involved. I am beginning to wonder whether this is an inherent flaw in my character. Or perhaps in my problematic and episodic libido. And perhaps the underlying cause of my chronic relationship failures in the past. Maybe I’m just getting too old for this sort of thing." And this, "I do love you very much, and care for you very much, and would never want to do anything that would hurt you. But evidently I have. And I feel awful about that. What can I do?" And this, " I write this with much hesitation and sadness. What do you suggest? Love, L" I'm so sad. So sad. I will do gratitudes etc. Just so sad right this minute:(

Extra Gratitudes - PM

I am so grateful! 1. My poor mother had such trouble that I didn’t think I could get her down the stairs tonight! She’d have had to stay over! But I prayed to God for help and we got her to the car through the back way! Safely! Oh, thank God! 2. She was here for almost EIGHT HOURS! I’m so grateful! 3. And she ate and enjoyed all the food! 4. And we played Scrabble! 5. And we baked brownies together! Like two 12-year-olds on a sleepover play date – timer on, and smelling the air, and waiting for the brownies to be ready! 6. I’m smiling so big right now just thinking of that! 7. Then we counted the Scrabble tiles because we were getting such bad “hands,” that we were convinced some were missing! (But none were!) What fun! 8. We both had SO MUCH FUN! Just the two of us! Yay! I’m so grateful for this day! 9. And we visited in the l.r. 10. And we watched some tv in the den and I knitted a bit. 11. And she loves what I am making (a scarf for a girlfriend whose son died and I care very much about her) 12. And my mother threw hew arms around me and thanked me so much 13. And I thanked her too 14. And later she said, “I love you so much.” 15. And I said, “I love YOU so much.” 16. And she said, “I love you more than you could possibly know.” 17. And I said, “I love you more than YOU could possibly know, believe it or not!” 18. Tomorrow I will pay her bills 19. And mine 20. And get to that lawyer for her. 21. And relax some 22. And practice piano 23. And read 24. And knit some more 25. Yay, a day off! 26. JJ – Thank you! 27. L is having a LOT of trouble answering my questions, but is trying. 28. I am not accepting less. No. Not this time. No more. 29. Two and a Half Men is on. I hate that show. But I love that house.

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

The Magic of Gratitude and Acceptance Gratitude and acceptance are two magic tricks available to us in recovery. No matter who we are, where we are, or what we have, gratitude and acceptance work. We may eventually become so happy that we realize our present circumstances are good. or we master our present circumstances and then move forward into the next set of circumstance. If we become stuck, miserable, feeling trapped and hopeless, try gratitude and acceptance. If we have tried unsuccessfully to alter our present circumstances and have begun to feel like we're beating our head against a brick wall, try gratitude and acceptance. If we feel like all is dark and the night will never end, try gratitude and acceptance. If we feel scared and uncertain, try gratitude and acceptance. If we've tried everything else and nothing seems to work, try gratitude and acceptance. If we've been fighting something, try gratitude and acceptance. When all else fails, go back to the basics. Gratitude and acceptance work. Today, God, help me let go of my resistance. Help me know the pain of a circumstance will stop hurting so much if I accept it. I will practice the basics of gratitude adn acceptance in my life, and for all my present circumstances.

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Depression All of us go through times of depression. When we were overeating, we may have felt depressed almost continually. We find that abstinence and the OA program lift us out of depression. The outward circumstances of life may not change radically, but by means of our program we experience more inner joy and contentment and less gloom and despair. When we do feel depressed, we can take positive action. WE can work on a specific step. We can make a phone call. We can offer to help someone else. Focusing our attention on someone or something outside of ourselves is an effective means of combating depression. Maintaining abstinence does not ensure that we will never again feel depressed. In general, however, our spirits do not sink as low as they did before and they do not stay down as long. As we improve our contact with our Higher Power, we find ourselves less and less despondent. We have new hope, faith, and love - all-powerful antidotes to depression. Thank You for lifting me out of depression.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"All of the fantasies in your life will never match those I once tried to attain. Now older, it's more important reaching the more realistic goals, and having them come true." Deidra Sarault Simply knowing that we are important creatures of the universe offers too little security for most of us. Using them in a well-planned manner will benefit us emotionally and spiritually. Others will profit from our talents as well. Fantasies have their place in our lives, too. They often tempt us to even greater heights. We can't always collar our fantasies, but we can take the necessary steps to realize the goals that our fantasies have birthed. Recovery is freeing us to achieve those goals we'd only dreamed of or perhaps feared tackling in the past. The defects that we hid behind before are, with patience, giving way to positive behavior. We can accomplish our heart's pure desires. We need not let the fear of failure trap us again as it did so many of us for so long. I will set my sights high and trust the program to coach my progress. My goals are attainable. It only takes one small step at at ime.

Affirmations

What I give out returns to me. I am in the process of positive change. I am unfolding in fulfilling ways. Only good can come to me. I now express health, happiness, prosperity, and peace of mind. I am a miracle. I choose to love myself for the unique individual I am.

Feelings Work

I feel, because: Disappointed, afraid, regarding L and his changes in behavior toward me. Nervous about today alone here with my mother for Thanksgiving. Sad that I'm not with J. Sad that I'm not with a group. Okay and hopeful. Better in myself. Next time I will do differently: Plan sooner, and be careful to make a definite commitment to the plan! 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am able to keep separate issues separate 2. I am compassionate 3. I am grateful 4. I try 5. I can enjoy something every day 6. I am kind (6!)

My Email to L after our morning phone call this morning

Subject line: L, I'm miserable and I need you to show you care. Body of email: I am very sad at the thought of our troubles and deeply disturbed at the thought of maybe us not being together : ( but I will NOT go ONE MORE DAY without some resolution. I think that having gone so long already is a sign of weakness on my part; I owe myself more than that. Here’s the thing. I don’t even think you really did start working on an answer. I’m not sure I believe you. Because I asked you to PLEASE drop me an email and let me know when you did, as I’m suffering and this means so much to me. It’s as if you cannot hear me and my pain and my needs. So I assume you don’t care anymore. But Louis, I’m not asking for any more than it used to be. I’m just asking for it to be not-less! And most importantly, to know what is going on, what you want, and WHY the change! If you want it to feel like it used to feel, then you have to treat me the way you used to treat me. If you no longer feel that way for me, or no longer want to “bother,” then you need to find someone who either: you DO feel that way about, or who is so detached as to not care If you want to still be with me, either *I * have to back up - a lot, so I don’t live in a state of hurt, (what that would look like is – if I can’t feel good about myself with you, I must fill MYSELF – with less time with you and time to do more of the things I love alone, and perhaps with seeing other people too). OR you have to change the way you treat me – more like you used to – and you have to WANT TO. That is a HUGE element of it for me. The DESIRING. Okay. I love you. I want to be with you. But I cannot go on this way. I know this is uncomfortable for you. But I have had pain for months. Why doesn't THAT matter to you as much as your discomfort in answering? - - - - I can’t continue doing this to myself. Please. Answer my questions. Or if you don’t care enough to, then let me know that. I am hurt and I am done, Louis. Do NOT call me until you know what you want to do, and are doing it. Really. Please respect my wishes here. Finally.

My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. This thought, from yesterday’s Food for Thought: When we are committed to abstinence, we have a rock like foundation for our eating habits, which no shifting mood can destroy. 2. That I sent L an email. I’ll post it here. It was time I stick up for myself. 3. That my mother is alive 4. And coming here today 5. And I have some nice things for us! Including crackers with veg pepperoni and veg cheese 6. And celery 7. And healthy chips (she loves) 8. And veg dip (she loves) 9. And apple cider (she doesn’t drink wine) 10. And wine for me : ) 11. And butternut squash soup (I bought it, not made it) 12. And fresh parsley to garnish 13. And beautiful salad 14. And organic garlic bread 15. And vegan lasagna that tastes like pesto – yum and healthy 16. And I made it! 17. And vegan ice cream 18. And fruits – including seedless grapes, which she loves! 19. And chestnuts! 20. And a great decaf drink 21. And teas 22. And coffee 23. MAYBE we’ll make brownies together! 24. Or spanakopita (not for today – just for fun) 25. And maybe I’ll serve all that food as TWO meals, like a lunch and a dinner 26. And most of it is organic 27. I’m grateful that I’ve been enjoying my jigsaw puzzle 28. And that I will get to knit and watch tv later (after I bring her home) 29. And that tomorrow morning I will pay all our bills 30. And for my new idea of a system for paying all her people – oy 31. And I have that lawyer appointment tomorrow. Hopefully that moves along quickly as this whole aides situation is making us poor! 32. I am grateful that I sent a loving card to Ma about her son who passed away 33. And that I HAVE met some nice people through L 34. And that M told me yester day that it would probably hurt L if S and Jo came here today 35. And that I therefore cancelled them. 36. And based on his reaction, I was right! 37. And that I DO have this strength of keeping issues separate. (So my disappointment in the way he is treating me lately is SEPARATE and DIFFERENT from my desire to not hurt him) 38. And that people have commented on my ability to separate issues. I like this quality in me. 39. Comedies 40. That I’m slowly but surely losing weight 41. Hope 42. Not in absolute misery and abject desperation 43. My fireplace 44. Scrabble 45. Keeping my house in better order 46. Those wonderful students of mine 47. The ones (and so many!) who are happily working on high level math! 48. That I will help them become MUCH better writers 49. The professional development I receive : ) 50. That I do keep improving, even though I am a great teacher to begin with 51. That I play piano 52. That I am making a PROMISE to myself to MAKE THE TIME to do the things for myself that I need to do! 53. That although I will be VERY SAD if L and I break up, I am WILLING, in order to be in a GOOD relationship (someday). 54. And to take care of MYSELF. 55. I am grateful that I could afford all this food for Thanksgiving today 56. And that I don’t feel terribly pressured about it 57. And that I am “doing the next right thing,” by my mother 58. That I can type 59. And so quickly 60. And enjoy it so much! 61. My piano. 62. And that I paid for it myself 63. And still love it 64. My humidifier 65. And that it helps my piano! 66. MA 67. ML 68. S 69. St 70. O 71. M 72. L 73. Li 74. S 75. Jo 76. J 77. Doggie 78. All doggies 79. Sanctuaries! 80. People who save innocent suffering animals! 81. People who don’t hurt animals! 82. That I am a vegan. 83. And that I do not try to force my beliefs onto anyone else 84. My little cheap but good enough stereo 85. EJ 86. JJ 87. Birdie 88. Mrs. T 89. My principal 90. My darling little dog from years ago 91. Every dog with whom I’ve ever shared my life 92. Therapy 93. Eyedrops 94. Depression/anxiety medication, the little that I take 95. And that it really does help me. 96. Good books 97. My Nook 98. Myers-Briggs 99. Exercise opportunities 100. My red oak floors.

Happy Thanksgiving to YOU

There are things in my life, and maybe all of our lives, that we don't like. Hard things. Challenges. Hurts. Lonely times, financial strains, family problems, illnesses. But my daily gratitudes are so good at reminding me how lucky I am. Do YOU breathe right now, with or without help, as you read this? Then be grateful! You are alive! There is a day to enjoy! Or at least enjoy part of! : ) And a future - long or short - enjoy!

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Moods We used to allow our moods to determine what and how much we ate. If we were feeling good, charged up with enthusiasm, we were usually able to focus our energy on some activity other than eating. Perhaps being in a particularly good mood made it possible for us to stick to some kind of diet for a few days. When the bad moods struck, we invariably turned to excess food for consolation, and we attempted to make the bad moods go away by eating to excess. Any sort of psychic distress became a signal for food. Then, too, some of us found ourselves overeating in times of elation, because we had no other way to express our joy. When we are committed to abstinence, we have a rock like foundation for our eating habits, which no shifting mood can destroy. No matter how we may feel at a given moment, we abstain from eating compulsively. Moods change and pass away, but abstinence remains. Make firm my commitment to abstinence.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"...as awareness increases, the need for personal secrecy almost proportionately decreases." Charlotte Painter We hang onto secrets when we're unsure of ourselves and the role we're asked to play - secrets about our inner thoughts, our dreams and aspirations, our feared inadequacies. Because we strive for perfection, assume it's achievable, and settle for no less in all our activities, we are haunted by our secret fears of not measuring up. The more committed we become to this program; the greater is our understanding of the fallacy of this way of thinking. And as our awareness increases, the more accepting we become of our human frailty, and the less need we have to cover it up. Our mental health is measurable by the openness we offer to the world. Secrets belie good health and heighten the barriers to it. The program's Fourth and Fifth Steps are the antidotes to being stuck in an unhealthy state of mind. They push us to let go of our secrets, freeing us from the power they wield. Practicing the principles of the program offers the remedy we need for the happiness we deserve. I will share a secret today and be free of its power over my life.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: I am miserable today. And I think that it is even all the MORE important to look at some I have, to be grateful for. 1. I have friends 2. I have people who love me. 3. I am able to face the tough issues. 4. I can breathe on my own. 5. My heart beats 6. I can swallow 7. I can walk 8. My liver is healthy 9. My kidneys are healthy 10. My blood is good 11. I can see 12. I can hear 13. I can taste 14. I can smell 15. I can feel 16. I can speak. I remember when I had those 4 physical conditions, and I couldn’t 17. I can drive. Wow. So many things I can do. 18. I can read 19. I can write 20. I can think 21. I can type 22. I can carry groceries 23. I HAVE groceries 24. I can exercise 25. I have malls near me 26. Outdoor AND indoor 27. And parks. Nature 28. And beaches. Wow. 29. I have dirt roads near me 30. And highways and parkways 31. I have a house 32. I have a driveway 33. I have outdoor furniture for summer 34. I have a fireplace 35. I can teach 36. I have a job. With a salary 37. I have a kitchen 38. Indoor plumbing 39. A bathroom 40. I have not only a living room, but a den 41. And a bedroom, with a bed 42. And dressers 43. And a jewelry armoir. My God, really, how much does a person need? 44. My car runs fine 45. I have gas in it 46. I am comfortable here 47. I have jigsaw puzzles 48. And Scrabble 49. And Boggle 50. And Pyramid 51. I have the ingredients for a great vegan spanakopita 52. And a vegan lasagna already made 53. The Dali Lama 54. Thich Nhat Hanh 55. I have a desk 56. And one at work too 57. All the help J ever gave me 58. I have eyelashes (Yes, I’m really grateful – they protect my eyes) 59. And fingernails and toenails (same kind of reason) 60. I have lamps 61. And electricity 62. I don’t eat animals 63. I have skin that is healthy (I’m not talking about looks, but health) 64. I have this blog. Thank God. 65. And YOU. 66. JJ 67. EJ 68. Birdie 69. Mrs. T 70. Communication with people in other countries. 71. Doing these in a row today, instead of back and forth, really feels like it is helping me more. 72. I have the greatest class ever. Honestly. 73. I have had sex in my life. 74. Great sex. 75. Loving sex. 76. Hand cream 77. Vegan soap 78. Medicines when I need them 79. My eyedrops. They are so expensive. I am so grateful that I have them. 80. I have enough muscle to carry me around. 81. Our school is on beautiful grounds. Not a square piece of blacktop surrounded by fence, and kids trying to play on the little space on the other side of the cars, like some places I’ve worked 82. I have trees. Right here on my property 83. And bamboo! 84. And my sweet calm little sunroom 85. With plants in it. 86. My “Christmas cactus” plants are blooming 87. MA has hooked me up with a handyman she’s trusted for year. Phew. Big phew. 88. I am strong enough, physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually, to do my job. 89. I am so happy that 3 people are coming here tomorrow! My first Thanksgiving. Or at least my first one in decades. And certainly my first one I’m doing ALONE. 90. That every time I step outside of my comfort zone, my comfort zone expands. 91. The day I heard that phrase at the Indian event. 92. That there will be more of those. 93. I have nice hair 94. And warm, expressive eyes 95. And a pretty smile 96. And good feet 97. And pretty skin (now I am talking about looks not health: ) 98. Beautiful photographs of nature 99. And of children 100. All the times I have walked in the woods with J, and with doggie off-leash

Today's Reading - Food for Thought

Eating for Mother As babies and children, we made Mother happy by eating what she gave us. Since our emotions were closely tied to hers, when she was happy, we were also happy. We may have developed the mistaken notion that the more we ate, the happier Mother would be and,therefore, the happier we would be. This illusion may be persisting into our adult life. on some level, we may not yet realize that no amount of food we can eat will make Mother permanently happy, anymore than it will make us happy. We may have eaten many times in the past in order to please Mother, rather than because we really wanted food. Subconsciously, we may still think we could please her by consuming more food than we need. Working the OA program often brings to light other things we are doing in order to please someone else. Since each individual is responsible for his or her own happiness, there is nothing we can do to ensure the happiness of another individual. Realizing this on a gut level is a powerful tool for maintaining abstinence. May I realize the futility of eating to please someone else.

Today's Reading - Each Day a New Beginning

"Continuous effort -- not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential." Liane Cordes Perseverance may well be our greatest asset. As we forge ahead on a project, it loses its power over us. Our confidence and abilities grow in concert with our progress on the project, preparing us to tackle the next one too. We have something special, uniquely our own to offer in this life. And we also have the potential to offer it successfully. However, we don't always realize our potential. Many of us stifled our development with fears of failure, low self-worth, assumed inadequacies. The past need plague us no longer. Help is readily available for us to discover our capacities for success. Abilities stand ready to be tapped; goals and projects await our recognition. Any commitment we make to a task that draws our interest will be reinforced by God's commitment to our efforts. We have a partner. Our efforts are always doubled when we make them - truly make them. I will not back away from a project today. I will persevere and find completion. I'll feel completed.

Beginning of Today's 100 Grats (SO busy!)

I am grateful: 1. I just finished the DRA’s. Phew (Work deadline). 2. Knowing my Myers-Briggs Type letters 3. That I DID confront D just now about her egregious behavior 4. That after being defensive, she did back down and apologize. 5. And then I did too 6. And that although Ls interfered and having heard the first tip of the story, said, “I don’t see how this affects Lynn!” (Like why was I upset?) I was VERY TEMPTED to answer – as I had a perfect defense! But – I didn’t – BECAUSE – she is a selfish, lying, sniveling little thing – I had thought she was a firend and she wasn’t – she is not a friend to ANYOMNWE and EVERYONE knows that – I still wish 7. That Thanksgiving has FINALLY been settled! My mother, and S and are coming. 8. L is not, because he is not about holidays and REALLY stresses over traffic. I am FINE with that! I only care about Thanksgiving on my mother’s behalf! 9. I am happy she is coming. 10. I am fine that S and J have been like, pushing to come. It is a little bit of a hassle, but worth it! 11. I am glad that although I have SO MUCH to do(!) I CAN make it to the 2 stores and the lawyer today after school. Phew. 12. And then tonight I will defrost the phyloo dough in the fridge 13. And tomorrow afternoon I will finish the cooking 14. And then see the financial person – oy – so much 15. Thursday, I will serve the dinner 16. Friday maybe I won’t GO into the city with L. Maybe I’ll just stay home and veg 17. I am very sad about the situations with L that I find untenable (nothing mean, just problems of his and I know he wants a long-term relationship and even talks of living with me but I don’t know that I could do it). But I am grateful that I am forceful about facing it now. And we will and are. 18. What is, is. And I THINK I’ll be able to face it. 19. That at least he does love me. 20. And do know that. 21. And that is further evidence that I am lovable. 22. Duraflame logs 23. That I made a little fire on Sunday. 24. My class. Oh, they are such a joy! This is a once-in-a-lifetime group of kids! 25. The happiness they just brought the music teacher. 26. The very high level, difficult math on which some of them are voluntarily working! And excited! 27. That I DID met my report card deadline. Phew. 28. I can knit. 29. And that I love to. 30. My marbles reward system. 31. And that we can never lose one@ 32. 4 days off soon. Yay. Phew. 33. Down time. Even though I never have been getting any good down time these months, I do love it and am grateful for it. 34. And will get some soon. 35. Because – I’m starting to honor my OWN needs!

Sorry- Will be back

Affirmation

GOD made me. I am a child of GOD. Not of L, not of this world, but of GOD Himself! Therefore I am good enough. And therefore, all is right in my world! Amen.

Feelings Work

I feel, because: Okay, bec. all the spiritual work, I think. And always trying to do the next right thing. Angry, bec. L was so different in the spring than now, and I feel ripped off. GRATEFUL to be okay at all! Next time: Go slowly - follow what *I* know I need! 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I am strong 2. I am compassionate 3. I am so funny that my close people laugh all the time and appreciate that (believe it or not:) 4. I can be a fast thinker, when needed and pure - like with the kids 5. I am pure (M always says so, and she is right).

Grats

I am grateful: 1. This morning/afternoon, lying on the l.r. floor with L, listening to music. 2. And caressing. 3. And that it was mostly him caressing me. 4. That he said, this weekend, “I love you very much.” 5. And, “My love.” 6. And, “Darling.” Like two or three times. 7. That I was able to bring up the big issues. 8. Letter and all. 9. And that he was so sweet and responsive. 10. It is not all settled. May or may not be able to be. But I faced it, he faced it as well as he could, and he responded so dearly. 11. The Myers-Briggs course. 12. And that we took it together. 13. And that he loved it. 14. And would even take the next one with me too! 15. That I was able to finish my paper while still there. Phew. 16. And all my paper work too. Phew. 17. That the teacher let us do that. 18. That everyone is doing the best we can, and trying to not torture ourselves. I am NOT talking about cutting corners like where the kids are concerned, but just making it livable. Because we are people too. 19. That L talked about specific details of how we would live together one day. I know it won’t happen – because I believe *I * won’t be able to do this with him. But it was so nice to hear. 20. M sharing with me that she would LOVE to have a guy who is affectionate and kissy and caressy but not sexual. She doesn’t think I am this way, and I’m probably not(!) but maybe someday I will be? I don’t know… 21. That I was able to help Jo a little bit with her depression. 22. That Ma just let me put the check in her mailbox, rather than having to drive over there with it!:) Phew, what a relief! (I feel like it shouldn’t be such a big relief, but it is!:) 23. That I did it (check) 24. That I spoke with my mother a few times today. 25. And she sounds good. 26. I will see her after school Tuesday, please God: ) 27. That I am relatively relaxed – especially considering this report card deadline looming! 28. I am so grateful for “the faith that overcomes panic!” 29. And that I am really okay inside. Right now! 30. That L and I just (each from our own house) ordered a copy of the Myers-Briggs book. And maybe will become like a little book club together. 31. That, after all the drama about who wants to come here, who doesn’t, and who needs to or thinks they need to, I am just about ready for Thanksgiving no matter WHO comes! 32. Sitcoms. 33. That I must and will get my tv connecting cable wire thing fixed for the other side of the house (I have one, old, 27 inch tv in the little teeny den in the back). 34. This blog 35. That M just called. 36. Again. 37. And we laughed so much! 38. Again! 39. And that I can really APPRECIATE laughter. I remember when I was so serious that I thought it a wasteful frivolity! 40. MA 41. And – all the lessons I’ve learned from her 42. ML 43. And 44. And – all the lessons I’ve learned from her 45. That I AM, slowly but surely, making progress through the report cards. 46. This, from today’s Language of Letting Go: “Let yourself be nurtured and loved.” 47. That I just don’t care. About a lot of the crap. Like whether someone doesn’t “like” some of my report cards. Who is coming here for Thanksgiving or not. Deadlines. For right now, I just can’t care. 48. And this: “What are our needs? What would feel good? What kinds of ways would we like others to nurture and support us? The clearer we can be about our needs, the greater the possibility they will be met.” Oh, I love this! 49. And “Today, I will open to recognizing my needs for nurturing.” 50. And “I will be open to the needs of those around me too.” 51. And “I can begin taking a nurturing, loving attitude toward myself and by taking responsibility for my needs in relationships.” 52. This, from today’s Today’s Gift: “We learn, first, to be ourselves, to make independent choices.” And this is what I did with London! 53. And, “We dare to do things on our own.” Yay! 54. And, “Things as simple as going for a walk by ourselves and smelling the scents of nature.” Oh. Yes. Good. And that’s how it started! 55. This one scares me, but it’s good! “Being ourselves means bringing our own world to meet the world of our loved ones, rather than depending on them to make our world.” Wow. 56. And this is good too: “Am I making my own happiness so I may share it with others?” 57. Oh! I love this! "I always entertain great hopes." Robert Frost 58. “What can they do to me? Then can take my job, sure. But they can’t take my dignity.” *I * am the person who said that! And MEANT it! When I was new and untenured and it looked like they had to cut – which would mean me. And I really MEANT it! 59. That I am not depressed like I was. Oh, *thank You, God! * 60. That “the open, generous smile of a small child reaches into the soft part of us all.” 61. My liver 62. My lungs 63. My brain 64. My kidneys 65. Peppers 66. That I have a lasagna (vegan of course) that I made and froze 67. And am ready for my mother to visit on Thanksgiving 68. That after not liking the way L was on the phone tonight, I sent him an email. No rewording it, couching it, changing it for a week. I have tried to talk to him about these things. I mentioned every night this week that there was a serious issue and it HAD to be addressed. Shared it last night. After reworking it for a WEEK! He chose to not even take the letter WITH him. No resolution. And a decision to not look at it this week, right? He is doing all he can. He loves me; I know that. But I think he is just too damaged. And I cannot go on this way. So I’m glad I sent it. I deserve more. 69. I’m glad I know I deserve more. 70. And that I helped Jo again tonight. 71. And S too. 72. I am grateful for my legs 73. And feet 74. And hands 75. And nails 76. And for eyesight. 77. And for my courage! 78. And that I sleep during the nights. 79. And for my earrings that I bought in London. 80. I am grateful for the readings. 81. And this blog 82. And everyone who looks at it. 83. And that I have never had to worry about starving to death 84. Or dying of thirst 85. Or war on my street 86. And that I have a voice 87. And my heart is good 88. And my blood 89. And my healthy skin. I am so lucky for all these things. 90. And I know how to meditate. 91. I am grateful for O 92. And of course BIG-TIME for M. 93. And that I’m still kind of okay. 94. And for pills. Like my Paxil, and Valium, neither of which I take a lot. 95. And red wine – and that I don’t overdo it or have any kind of drinking problem 96. And that I’m doing better with my eating problem. 97. And orgasms. Maybe with the next guy, I’ll get to have them again. 98. My strength 99. That I didn’t give up and just post fewer grats today. No matter HOW late it is. 100. All the help Li has given me 101. All the help my dr has given me