Friday, September 28, 2012

Affirmations

I am a child of God. I have one life, and I really LIVE it. I am happy I am healthy I am well I am a child of God. I have one life, and I really LIVE it. I am happy I am healthy I am well I am a child of God. I have one life, and I really LIVE it. I am happy I am healthy I am well. God loves me. I love me. I am good enough. I can and will and do enjoy this day.

Feeings Work

I feel: Better. I think it is because: It is Week 4 and the 3-week fatigue is starting to pass J. time. Morning spiritual work yesterday. And today. Friday. Eating greens yesterday. Next time: Keep it all up! 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I help my mother 2. I try to make fun days for the kids. Which is hard for me because I am not such a naturally fun person. But I try to use my resources and make up for my lacks 3. I keep confidences 4. I don't eat animals 5. I have compassion. I would like even more, but I do have it.

Gratitudes - My Hundred Today

I am grateful: 1. That L did call last night 2. Nice dream about J 3. And about Ji too? 4. Friends I’ve met through L. Particularly S and Jo 5. That yesterday I felt emotionally somewhat better by day’s end. Maybe because did all morning work? If not, grateful anyway. If so, very quick response! 6. News. Like CBS morning news. 7. I am grateful that I got my car inspected yesterday. 8. And the oil changed. 9. And that M gave me that idea of, “One thing a day. Do one of the many things a day. In 7 days, that will be 7 things.) 10. That today, when I was hoping to clean out the car, as my “one thing,” it is raining BUT I can cook the chili and freeze it. That can be my one thing. 11. And tomorrow’s will be bank for new checks and pay my bills and my mother’s. 12. That L is coming here this weekend. 13. That maybe we will have lunch with MA and ML 14. That my students are so good. They are amazing. This may well be the best class I’ve EVER had. Wow. 15. That I have lots of good things planned for them today and next week. 16. That next Tuesday I have professional development. 17. And I have already made sub plans. 18. And that I have already called for he sub 19. And requested that particular good one too. 20. That little 4-year-old girl who called 911 for her mother. The tape is on the news right now. Awesome: ) 21. My Nook! I love it! 22. MUCH more comfortable reading in bed now! 23. That I’m in a better mood again today. 24. That J called last night. I love talking with him now. 25. That my mother is giving in on the help at home. Phew. 26. That J approved of my recent tactic. 27. That L helped. 28. That I slept. 29. That I am praying that M sleeps tonight 30. This laptop. 31. And not having to bring home my school one every day now. Although I should bring it home for the weekend. So both L and I will have one to use. 32. I am grateful that I can walk 33. And talk 34. And breathe on my own 35. And see! 36. And hear 37. And type 38. And play piano 39. And that I have a piano 40. And that it is beautiful. It is an instrument, not a piece of furniture, so the beauty is just a bonus: ) 41. And that it is SO COMFORTABLE for me to play! 42. And that J helped SO MUCH in my getting it. 43. That for today, I have enough money to live. 44. I do not struggle for drinking water. So fortunate. 45. I do not struggle for nutrients. So lucky. 46. L and I MAY see MA and ML tomorrow – but otherwise, we MAY see S and J. 47. And either will be nice. 48. That I did my four readings today. 49. And that I shared them here for you. 50. That I got the garbage out. Well, some of it. 51. That it is Friday lol. 52. That I am not as afraid as a day and a half ago. 53. That I got to 7-11 for coffee this am. 54. That maybe I’ll remember to buy coffee to make! : ) 55. That the car inspection and oil change cost less than I’d thought it would. 56. That I ran into that colleague there. 57. And that made me feel less phobic. 58. My doctor cannot make it here this coming Wednesday or the one after. BUT he can come on the 12th Friday. And he can hopefully meet L that day! I would like that. 59. Innocence. 60. Innocence in my students. 61. And in L. 62. And in me. 63. And in Je 64. And in Ji 65. And even in J 66. That my principal was nice to me yesterday. 67. That she IS my principal. Not the last one, who scared me (and many others). 68. That I can read 69. And write 70. And even buy some books. 71. That I got to the beach this summer. 72. And even into the water. Although I think I will NOT go into the ocean again! It was too unsafe for me. The sound, yes. Not the ocean. 73. Grateful I lived through it! 74. Grateful for the vegan restaurants in NYC! 75. And wine. 76. And that L has introduced me to the pleasures of complex red wines with long finish. 77. And that I don’t NEED it. Like, haven’t had a sip since last Sat and don’t care… 78. I am grateful for the whole grain flourless bread I have in the house right now. 79. And the grapes. Seedless green grapes 80. And that I’m loving them. 81. I am grateful that I have shoes. Yep. 82. And socks 83. And boots 84. And sweaters 85. And pants 86. And tops 87. And undies 88. And bras 89. And I will have a coat this winter 90. And I already have a hat 91. And I am grateful that I have a pocketbook. 92. And even another new one I haven’t even used yet! 93. I am grateful that my mother is temporarily in the nursing home for rehab. At least that means I don’t have to worry about her safety right now. 94. I am grateful that I keep trying to do “the next right thing.” 95. And OA< through which I learned that. 96. My Nook cover! It’s so pretty! And it’s vegan! (Of course). 97. I am grateful that I have a bed 98. And covers 99. And heat 100. And windows. 101. And for my gorgeous oak tree. Thank you, God.

Today's Readings - The Language of Letting of Letting Go

Prayer Here are some of my favorite prayers: Help. Please. Don't. Show me. Guide me. Change me. Are you there? Why'd you do that? Oh. Thank you. Today, I will tell God what I want to tell God, and listen for God's answer. I will remember that I can trust God. We cannot afford to allow our focus in life to be money. That will not lead us into the abundance we're seeking. Usually, it will not even lead to financial stability. Money is important. WE deserve to be paid what we're worth. We will be paid what we're worth when we believe we deserve to be. But often our plans fall when our primary consideration is money. What do we really want to do? What do we feel led to do? What are our instincts telling us? What do we feel guided to do? What are we excited about doing? Seek to find a way to do that, without worrying about the money. Consider the financial aspects. Set boundaries about what you need to be paid. Be reasonable. Expect to start at the bottom, and work up. But if you feel led toward a job, go for it. Is there something we truly don't want to do, something that goes against our grain, but we are trying to force ourselves into it "for the money"? Usually, that's a behavior that backfires. It doesn't work. We make ourselves miserable, and the money usually goes wrong too. I have learned that when I am true to myself about work and what I need to be doing, the money will follow. Sometimes it's not as much as I want; sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised, and it's more. But I'm content, and I have enough. Money is a consideration, but it cannot be our primary consideration if we are seeking spiritual security and peace of mine. "Today, I will make money a consideration,but I will not allow it to become my primary consideration. God, help me be true to myself and trust that the money follow."

Today's Readings - In This Moment

In This Moment, I have fun. I've discovered the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional' through service work on a CoDA committee. Discussing ideas is creative, challenging, and fun. While I'm having fun, I continue to learn to honor group conscience decisions, to take constructive criticism without getting upset, to set boundaries, to express my opinions without malice, to be flexible - even it it means working until midnight. While I'm learning, I'm still having fun: exchanging stories, laughing, acting silly, sharing fabulous desserts. I feel a part of this group, I laugh a lot. I have fun.

Today's Readings - Voices of Recovery

"Abstinence is the beginning." For Today p. 167 I could not work the Steps and grow spiritually without being abstinent. Putting the excess food down cleared my body and my mind so that I could be open to examine the defects of character in me that blocked me from my Higher Power. Freedom from my substance opens my mind and my heart to the changes that are necessary for me to become all that my Higher Power created me to be. When I remain in the food, the channel to my Higher Power is closed. Remaining abstinent is a priority I must have in my life if I am going to grow and change through the Twelve Steps.

Today's Readings - For Today

"You cannot create experience. You must undergo it." Albert Camus I tried to fabricate my own experience, to make my life a never-never land of no pain. Instead, I brought compulsion on myself, stifling all growth, blocking out joy along with pain, the good feelings along with the bad. Today, though I naturally want to avoid painful experiences, I much prefer to own my feelings in all their intensity, to feel alive and struggling through whatever there is before me, to freedom. I am willing to go through all that I escaped from, experience each moment as if it were the first, like a child learning about the world. For today: I no longer evade experience or try to create it out of fantasy. I willingly undergo what life puts before me.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Affirmations

I am good enough. I am a wonderful person. I am safe. I am healthy. I am happy. All is right in my world. God and the universe are taking perfect care of me. I am good enough. I am a wonderful person. I am safe. I am healthy. I am happy. All is right in my world. God and the universe are taking perfect care of me. I am good enough. I am a wonderful person. I am safe. I am healthy. I am happy. All is right in my world. God and the universe are taking perfect care of me.

Daily Readings - The Language of Letting Go

Temporary Setbacks Sometimes, after we begin recovery, things in our life seem to get worse for a time. Our finances, our relationships, or our health may seem to deteriorate. This is temporary; this is a normal part of recovery and healing. It may be the way things will be for a time, but not for long. Keep working at recovery, and the trend will reverse. Before too long, things, and us, will be better than they were before. This time, the foundation will be solid. God, help me trust You and recovery, even when I have setbacks. Help me rememeber that the problems are temporary, and when they are solved, I will be on more solid ground.

Daily Readings - In This Moment

In This Moment, I focus on me. My focus used to be on others. I was a talented people-pleaser. I thought I knew what everyone else wanted, needed, and felt. Now, in CoDA, I am looking at myself, my behaviors, my feelings, my issues. I am learning to love and take care of myself. I no longer do the same things over and over and expect different results. CoDA has shown me a path out of insanity. The Fifth Promise has come true: "I feel genuinely lovable, loving, and loved."

Daily Readings - Voices of Recovery

"I need to be willing to give up that which attracts me in the first place." For Today, p. 132 I realized that I had to do something about my character defects if I wanted to grow spiritually. It was not a matter of choice, even if I loved my defects and could not see how I could let them go. I decided to ask my Higher Power for the willingness, and I 'acted as if' until I got the willingness. I force fed my defects with prayer until somehow my Higher Power set me free even if it took years to accomplish. I loved my defects so much, but I knew they had to go. Amazingly, god did for me what I could not do for myself. I was to ask, using Steps Nine, Ten, Eleven, and Twelve, on a daily basis. Thank You, Go.

Daily Readings - For Today

Clever people seem not to feel the natural pleasure of bewilderments, and are always answering questions when the chief relish of life is to go on asking them." Frank Moore Colby It has been said that children are the true explorers. Filled with wonder and curiosity, they set forth each day on a journey of discovery, completely open to the new, asking questions without fear of looking stupid. In the world of grownups, not knowing is too often regarded as lacking intelligence. Luckily, one of the first lessons I absorbed in OA was a gut-level understanding that it was OK not to know how to manage my eating, my weight and my life. Everyone there freely admitted they didn't know either. Since that time I have been freed of many old hangups, among them the idea that I should have a fund of information that enables me to answer any and all questions about any and all subjects. How delightful it is to have a child's willingness to question, to approach the new without regard for appearances. For today: I want to be free of old patterns that stifle growth. I treat myself to the pleasure of admitting ignorance and the fun of asking questions.

Feelings Work

I feel: Calm in a way. Worried too. Like a failure. Scared. I think it is because: I need to keep up with things. Have not had enough time. And energy. Next time I will do differently: Um. Put my health first? 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I try to look at myself fearlessly in therapy 2. I try to give my students a really good day every day 3. I try to be honest 4. And to not break confidences. 5. I do not eat animals .
I am grateful: 1. Food 2. Water 3. Tart cherry juice 4. Low salt tomato juice 5. Fresh lemon 6. Socks. New ones. Gifts. 7. Slippers. Must find mine. 8. M. 9. MA 10. St 11. L 12. Jo 13. S 14. J 15. The years I had with J 16. Strong people. Like A, with all she’s going through 17. Enough energy (after coffee! : ) to do the things I have to do 18. Off tomorrow. Need that. 19. Now it’s Thursday. I’ve been having a VERY hard time. Like with my mother. I am grateful for L’ help with my mother 20. And with L. I’m grateful for my doctor’s help with L. 21. And with forgetting repeatedly to buy coffee. I’m grateful for 7-11 at the corner 22. My knee feels a good deal better than it did 23. Even though she wound up driving me fucking crazy, and I didn’t want to(!) I’m grateful that I did the right thing and did that errand for my mother who is temporarily in the nursing home. 24. I am grateful for support from everyone who gives it. 25. I am grateful that this year’s class is not last year’s class! 26. I am grateful that I read on my new Nook last night. 27. And that I loved it. 28. That I just had a talk with M, at 5 am 29. That my doctor helped me yesterday 30. That because my mother is so good with money although I am not, I was out of checks but had cash to pay him! 31. That he, after his current divorce, is finally able to get his own place to live, in the town closer to where he works. I’m happy for him. 32. That although he can’t come here next Wednesday or the Wednesday after, he will come on Friday the 12th. 33. That maybe I can have L here that day, and he can meet him. 34. I’m grateful that M has days with her children now, as she didn’t for the last few days 35. And the weight-loss example of C. 36. And the getting-things-done example of M 37. And that I AM in that book group after all. 38. I’m grateful that I can see 39. And that I can bring my car for its way-overdue inspection 40. And that I can do so today 41. And that it’s so near school I can walk 42. And that the guy there noticed how desperately it needs it 43. That I have a credit card 44. That I will get an oil change today too. Phew. Thank God. 45. I am grateful that I have been safe up until now 46. And that even with all my fatigue, I’ve been safe driving 47. I’m grateful that I don’t have a meeting after school today. Finally. 48. And for J 49. All he does for my mother, still. 50. And the things he said to me yesterday. 51. I wish I felt more for L and he for me, but I’m grateful that we have nice times together. 52. I’m grateful for this laptop 53. And every chair I have 54. And lights 55. And my book light. Because I do still read regular print books, not JUST the Nook books. 56. That my legs are smooth 57. That the skin on my hands is soft 58. That I havre a hoe 59. That I have been safe here 60. Plants (indoor) 61. Trees 62. Rhodadendron 63. Lilac 64. Roses 65. Forsythia 66. Simon and Garfunkel 67. Andy Williams 68. Michael Legrande 69. Piano. I haven’t been able to touch it lately but I’m so grateful for it. 70. Salad. So grateful that I bought some yesterday, and will have it for lunch today. 71. That I DID go to that meeting the other day. It wasn’t mandatory, but they needed me there. And it may help not only the teacher, but more importantly the student as well. 72. Scrabble. 73. My wallet 74. My pretty pocketbook 75. Showers 76. Makeup. I don’t wear a lot but I am grateful for it 77. Earrings 78. Waves in my hair when I have them. 79. That I WILL get to the bank on Saturday 80. Reiki 81. Mindfulness med 82. That when I had that HORRIBLE ride to L’s last Sat, I didn’t ask for a hot toddy, but for 10 minutes to meditate: ) 83. And that it helped me 84. And always does 85. So quickly 86. My stove 87. Vegans, every one. 88. Every time they don’t kill wolf packs 89. People who care about other people 90. And non-human animals 91. And the earth 92. And put their actions where their mouth is 93. And their money. 94. Intelligent discourse 95. Scientists 96. That I do love teaching math after all 97. Math games for the kids. 98. Heat 99. Newspapers 100. Magazines

Monday, September 24, 2012

Grats

I am grateful: 1. L has been SO affectionate all day yesterday, and last night and this morning. Kisses, hugs, hand-holds, caresses. I am so grateful for this 2. I had such a nice time yesterday. In the city with L and friends. 3. I enjoyed the boat ride 4. And the walking. Lots of city walking 5. Lots of downtown, Greenwich Village etc. 6. And Pier 17 7. And Heartland Brewery 8. And the apple cider with raspberry liqueur in there that I had there. Nice. 9. And the lovely mixed greens salad I had there. 10. And that friend B paid for all of us – 8 people! 11. And the time at the Strand bookstore. 12. And the book I got: Nicholas and Alexandra. I have read “Alexandra” by Carol Erickson, but never this one. 13. And the other book I got, “Beloved” by Toni Morrison. The one, I believe, based on which Oprah did that movie. I didn’t see it, but the book looks great. 14. That L and I are about to have a reading date together after we finish at our computers this morning. 15. I am grateful for our time at Apple – the restaurant on Waverly (Street?). It was not a vegan place, but vegan friendly. And I ate so little anyway. 16. And yay that I ate so little 17. I am grateful that it is time to do a food shopping, and I can. 18. And keep it cheap. 19. I think this week I shall have salad with protein every day for lunch. Yay. 20. And chili or one other thing every night for dinner. 21. My father. I really hit the history-of-the-world-great-father-lottery. I had the best father ever. 22. He was loving. 23. And funny. 24. And very intelligent. 25. And he “got” each of us. He UNDERSTOOD – everyone. 26. And appreciated everyone. 27. Everyone felt good around him. 28. For example, my sister was a risk-taker and I was not. Physically. But my father would make me feel fine. Whoever you are is okay. He would say, for example, “Lynn likes to have both feet on the ground.” Smile smile. Nice. 29. I might buy a Nook! The cheapest one. Like asap. 30. I am grateful that my knee held out yesterday! 31. It is Monday. I am so SO grateful for the visit I had with my mother yesterday. I was very tired. Very. And I said to myself, “Do the next right thing. You’re on the parkway. Don’t get off at home. Just keep going!” 32. SO glad I did. First of all, she called when I was near, wanting to know where I was and when I was coming there 33. Secondly, it was good for her, that visit! 34. Third, it was so heartening for ME to see her that way. She looked about 20 years younger than she looked last Sunday. 35. And she was bright-eyed and cheerful and – happy. 36. She is eating, and putting on (needed) weight. 37. She has friends there. Cheerful ones. 38. They had a carnival yesterday. 39. She loved it. 40. I have made an important decision: try to persuade her to stay. She is SO MUCH HAPPIER AND HEALTHIER when she is there. 41. It is clean. 42. The people are so nice to her. 43. Everything is done for her. 44. They do nice activities that she likes. 45. I can walk in at any time unannounced. 46. It is remodeled and lovely. 47. There is place to sit outside too. 48. It is not isolated. She can go to places. (With someone. Like me). 49. And it will cost me my inheritance, so I’m really grateful that I’m willing to encourage her despite that : ) 50. Also, in case she refused, J has received 5 phone calls from home helper people. Thank God. 51. And the social worker said to me, “No. YOU don’t have to do it. WE do it…” What a relief. 52. Thank God there will be something in place for my mother by the time she leaves this rehab. 53. I am grateful for the coffee this morning. I am drinking hazelnut coffee with vanilla almond milk. What luxury! 54. I went to 7-11 for it. 55. And it was good for me to step outside. 56. And I also got blueberry. 57. And the second I opened the front door, I though of meditation. And how good it is for me. 58. I meditated as soon as I got to L’s Saturday! Needed to unwind. Very tough trip. Vision problems. Scary. J tears too. But instead of asking for like, a hot toddy (!), I said, “I need 10 minutes to meditate.” So glad did. 59. SO tired. Wow, so tired. Actually was worried about driving home. But made it safely. So grateful for that. 60. And for the safe trip out there too. 61. I got a Nook! Yesterday! So exciting! 62. And a cool cover. 63. And that protective thing for the screen. 64. And because the man had trouble putting it on, he had to open a second package. 65. So I gave L the other one. 66. And both microfiber cloths! 67. I am grateful that I’ve made the decision to no join the book club. Even though I’ll miss it, I don’t want the obligation. 68. I am grateful that my mother got a kick out of the Nook. 69. I am grateful for this talk with M this morning, right now. 70. I am grateful that I was able to help her the other day, and last night. Emotionally. On the phone. 71. I’m grateful that MA surprised me at work on Friday. 72. As I need some right now, I’m grateful for Claritan! 73. And my eyedrops!! 74. I’m grateful that M’s girls are doing well right now. 75. And for art. 76. I’m grateful for the energy to do the things I have to do. 77. I’m grateful for my students. They are innocents. 78. I’m grateful for enough gas in the car to get to work today. Phew. (So tired). 79. I’m grateful that I had such a nice time with L this weekend. 80. Vegetables 81. I am so grateful for my sponsor in my life. 82. And for Book of the Month at school. 83. I am grateful for books. 84. I am grateful for dresses 85. And skirts 86. And shoes 87. And telephones 88. This laptop 89. My iPhone 90. Lavender 91. Pink 92. Purple 93. Classical music 94. Books about composers 95. My Chopin book 96. My fireplace 97. That I WILL get this heat done. Somehow. I will. 98. That L just called. Cheerful. Nice morning phone call. Short but on BOTH ends, because we’re both getting ready for work. 99. God 100. Thich Nhat Hanh

EJ!

Hi! Sending love back, Dear!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Affirmations

God made me. God loves me. The universe takes perfect care of me. All is well. I am happy. God made me. God loves me. The universe takes perfect care of me. All is well. I am happy. God made me. God loves me. The universe takes perfect care of me. All is well. I am happy.

Feelings Work

I feel: More positive. Healthier. Looking forward to the day. Still somewhat anxious, but only a little. Not depressed, yay! I think it is because: I "did the next right thing" all day yesterday. Coffee lol Decision to be cheerful What I will do: Keep it up. 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I try 2. I am good to children 3. I am intelligent 4. I am funny, people tell me 5. I have compassion
I am grateful: 1. I am grateful for M’s example on eating better and losing weight. 2. I am so grateful that MA surprised me at school yesterday 3. And for Jo giving me a whole hour on her day off, at my lunchtime, on the phone yesterday. To help me about L 4. And S did the night before too 5. And MA came with me to the nursing home yesterday 6. And visited with my mother 7. And I had a great talk with the social worker. Great. 8. And MA and my mother had a GREAT visit. They both loved it. 9. My mother looked about 20 years younger than she looked last Sunday. 10. And she was bright-eyed 11. And able to eat 12. And making conversation 13. And even irreverent jokes 14. I am so glad we had this visit 15. And the people there treat her so well 16. And really now her 17. And it is even convenient to get to. I am so grateful 18. I will see L today 19. We are doing well 20. We will be in the city 21. With others 22. And it should be fun 23. And I will do him the favor tomorrow of going to that memorial service with him and I’m happy about that 24. I am so happy that I did laundry yesterday morning. Phew. 25. And gave my students a wonderful day yesterday! Yay. 26. I am grateful that MA looked so well yesterday. 27. I am so grateful for my breathing 28. And my lungs 29. And my heart 30. And my meditation 31. And that I am doing gratitudes right now 32. And that today I am not so upset about J 33. I am grateful that L is a nice, sweet, good person 34. And learning 35. I’m grateful for my shower 36. And makeup 37. And hair 38. And pedicured toes 39. And piano 40. And music 41. I’m grateful for my kitchen 42. Cabinets 43. Fridge 44. Stove 45. I’m grateful that I’ll be off from work next Wednesday 46. So grateful for health insurance 47. That with this espresso, I am waking up this morning 48. I am grateful for God 49. And for typing. I love it so much 50. I am grateful for every time J helped me with shopping. 51. And that I don’t need him to anymore. 52. I am grateful for the online game scrabble blast at wired arcade 53. I am grateful that I can talk. I couldn’t for the better part of 8 months a few years ago, because of 4 physical conditions, and that was so hard. I appreciate the ability to speak 54. I am grateful that I can drive 55. That I am starting to get a little energy this morning. And that I can sleep at night 56. I am so grateful for nice dreams when I have them. I had two the night before last. 57. And I FEEL LIKE I had them last night 58. I am so grateful that I had the strength to sign the DNR for my mother 59. And the DNI. At her request. 60. I am grateful for good doctors. 61. And kind doctors. 62. God nurses. 63. And kind nurses. 64. Windows 65. Doors 66. Sunroom 67. Red oak floors 68. Paint 69. Art 70. Kandinski 71. Lee Krasner 72. Museums 73. Movies 74. Goats. Yes. And the little one, about 4 months old, who slep on my lap that afternoon. Oh what a miracle 75. Monarch butterflies. And the miracle of the migration to Mexico and return of the butterflies a few generations later, every year. 76. Science 77. Math 78. Reading 79. Books 80. My book club course 81. Good psychologists 82. My doctor 83. That I am ok for today 84. That the Sunday people still haven’t forgotten me 85. I am grateful for laughter 86. And humor 87. And that I can walk 88. And that I can see! 89. I am grateful for healthy food 90. And access to plenty of fresh, clean water 91. And that I am free 92. And not afraid of the bridge(s) anymore 93. Or even the underpasses 94. And so far not the tunnels either, thank God 95. And hospital elevators 96. And that I work in such a beautiful building 97. I am grateful for my oak tree!! 98. And my backyard 99. And my outdoor furniture. How lucky I am! 100. And for friends 101. And for you. That I am not alone in cyberspace.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Affirmations

I am good enough. I can do all I need to do. I do do all I need to do. I am good enough. I can do all I need to do. I do do all I need to do. I am good enough. I can do all I need to do. I do do all I need to do.

Feelings Work

I feel: Better. Nervous, scared, phobic about things I have to do. Worried also about "being alone." But better than yesterday! I think it is because: I got some sleep. I've had some strong(!) coffee. I am "just doing the next right thing." And as M said this morning that she is trying to do for herself, I am now TRYING to take it easier on myself. Next time I will do differently: HAVE DARK LEAFY GREENS AND/OR BROCCOLI EVERY SINGLE DAY! Those help me so much. Eat less. I have eaten too much the last few night. Not gone out and gotten junk, and that's an improvement. But too much food. 5 Good Things about Me: Uh oh. 1. I was so nice to the kids yesterday. 2. I think and work and try and continue to improve. 3. I have never given up. 4. I am grateful. I see that I am very lucky despite my problems. 5. I am loved so I must be lovable. Oy.

Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. I am worried about no heat in the sunroom. But I am grateful that I have the sunroom, even for summers. 2. And that if I just make a phone call, and spend the money, I will have the heat 3. I am worried about the bills that I have to pay for self, and mother. And my fatigue. But I am grateful that I must get myself to just do it. And I shall. I shall. 4. I am grateful for this idea, about which I read, to take the things that feel bad, and find the gratefulness in them. 5. I am grateful that I feel well in so many ways today. Like my head, inside. No headache. 6. And my stomach. Much better than yesterday. 7. I am grateful for Jo’s friendship. 8. And the book she recommended in the email I saw this morning: When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron 9. And the respect some people have for me regarding the way I handle problems. 10. I am grateful that M loves me 11. And that we talked this morning 12. I am grateful, so grateful, for my eyesight 13. And my iPhone 4. Not 5. Not 4S. Don’t care. Love it! 14. And this sleek new laptop! 15. I am grateful for daily meditation gifts 16. A pig saved a goat. I don’t know if he was trained, some kind of stunt,… but it’s a nice thought. http://www.kfvs.com/story/19599416/pig-saves-baby-goat 17. That I’m not alone here in cyberspace 18. That I’ve never been stabbed. I have the news on, and terrible things do happen 19. I am grateful that I have a tv 20. And a radio 21. And an iPod 22. And a car 23. And a refrigerator 24. I have no energy to do laundry today. But I am grateful that I have a washer. 25. I’m so grateful that I just stopped this and went and did put in one load of laundry 26. Including L’s 2 shirts for him: ) 27. I am grateful that I slept last night. 28. And that I had a pleasant dream! 29. And that I woke up 30. And am, in the big picture, ok. 31. I am grateful for everyone who loves me. Including MA 32. And M 33. And L 34. And Jo 35. And ML 36. I am grateful for all that J does for my mother 37. And still for me 38. And for coffee in the morning! 39. I am grateful that Li still speaks to me. 40. And helps me so much 41. And for a graet session with my therapist this past Wednesday 42. I am grateful that we had off on Rosh Hashana this year. 43. Both days 44. And will be off for Yom Kippur 45. I am grateful that there is a little assembly today 46. And that it is, “Fun Friday 47. I am so grateful for this class. They are so dear 48. And so good 49. And quite naturally so quiet 50. I am grateful that I get to work with M! 51. And that I’m polite and professional to all at work 52. I am grateful for my college education. 53. And that my parents paid for it 54. And my 2 undergraduate degrees 55. And my Masters degree 56. I am grateful that I get lunch breaks. 57. I am grateful for orgasms. 58. And that L gives me such amazingly great ones 59. And that I am doing gratitudes today 60. I am grateful that I have a shower 61. And bathtub (same) 62. Indoor plumbing in general! 63. And a roof 64. I am grateful for the desk 65. And the treadmill 66. And the Tibetan bell 67. I am so grateful for Mindfulness Meditation 68. And that I have sat with Thich Naht Hanh! 69. Four times! Four week-long retreats! So fortunate! 70. And that I taught my class and M’s to do this, yesterday 71. I am grateful that I did it as a favor, but *I * got so much out of it 72. And that it was good for M too. 73. I am grateful that the principal “gets” me. 74. And seems to appreciate me. 75. I am grateful for email. So many modern conveniences 76. And my sunglasses. Especially today, when I left them at school and don’t have them, I am reminded how important they are lol 77. I am grateful that the new bracelet was only 8 dollars, since I lost it 2nd day! 78. I am grateful for everyone who is compassionate 79. I am grateful for everyone who is helpful 80. I am so so grateful that I don’t eat animals. I don’t eat ANY animals. Cows, chickens, pigs, fish, …none. 81. And that I don’t ingest milk or eggs either. I don’t want to be part of the torture. 82. I am grateful for people who are fair. 83. I am grateful for everyplace there is peace 84. And that I know how to speak relatively correctly 85. And write relatively correctly too 86. And that I can teach elementary math 87. I am grateful that I can “think on my feet” 88. I am so grateful for my job. I never wanted one. But it gives me so much. Including a salary 89. And health benefits 90. And eyeglass money 91. And even a little dental (temporarily). I work VERY hard for all these things. But I am so grateful to have them. 92. And it gives me some sense of pride, to be at the top of my profession. 93. And it gives me something to think about other than myself 94. And a place to go each day 95. And the opportunity to help others 96. And to look and behave professionally 97. And it has taught me so much 98. I am so grateful that I went to London! 99. And that I managed to do that alone! 100. And that I loved it so much! I see my life now as divided into two parts: before London and since London. Amen.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

5 Good Things about Me. Um,

Um, I am smart I am hard-working I do get everything that NEEDS to be done, done. I do have some compassion I do work on being a better person

Affirmations

God made me. God loves me. I am enough. I am good enough. I have enough. I have all the conditions for happiness.

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. I am grateful that I am alive 2. And that my mother is doing well 3. I am grateful that L cares for me. I don’t know if I can stay with him much longer, but I am grateful that he cares for me 4. And that we have had so many nice times 5. I am grateful that I am sitting here doing my gratitudes 6. And for my good new book 7. And my piano practice 8. And that I WILL get some things fixed here. Somehow. I have gotten over other phobias, and I can get over this too. 9. I am grateful for M’s friendship. 10. And MA’s 11. And O’s 12. And Li’s 13. And S and Jo’s 14. I am so grateful that I have a job, and enough money to pay my bills 15. And access to fresh, organic vegetation food 16. And to fresh, clean water 17. That I am now able to go over the George Washington Bridge 18. That M gets up early too, and we have a phone chat almost every single morning of our lives 19. That MA was able to really enjoy her big trip 20. That I am able to be grateful on behalf of OTHERS sometimes 21. That I can type. I love the feeling so much. 22. I am grateful that although it is expensive, and I don’t use it much at all – like I’ve literally bought things there twice – that there is a Whole Foods near me 23. And my hfs 24. And a Trader Joe’s 25. And supermarkets 26. I’m grateful that after that blackout yesterday, my power did come back on 27. And that it was such a short blackout 28. I’m grateful for my health! 29. And that I have all 4 limbs 30. And 10 fingers and 10 toes 31. I am grateful that I can see 32. I am so very grateful, especially after my guilty feelings the other day, that my mother thanked me over and over yesterday for “all I do for her” and said she appreciates me…and loves me so much… And it was all real. And it felt so good. 33. I’m grateful that, as L is too busy and rushed to call me this morning, that at least I’m on the phone with M, so I’m not alone. 34. I’m feeling lonely and scared and vulnerable – um – I’m grateful um – for the ability to feel 35. And to know what I feel 36. And to be able to say it out loud, like to a friend 37. I am grateful for my iPhone 38. And my landline 39. And my little home even though it needs work 40. Vitamins 41. Eye drops 42. That I have hair. I saw a woman yesterday who didn’t. 43. Lists. I like lists. I like making them. 44. Nice people. I am so grateful for nice people. 45. That I can get my car inspected today. 46. And walk right back. 47. Comedies 48. The lovely color of the blue sky. And that I can see it. 49. The happy moments I’ve had 50. Movies 51. DVDs 52. Salad 53. Woods 54. Beaches 55. The park 2 blocks from my house 56. Culture. All the cultural events I’ve attended. Like plays 57. Concerts 58. And ballet 59. And opera. 60. Enjoyable train rides I’ve had 61. Hope 62. Breathing on my own 63. That I have a speaking voice. I remember when I didn’t – for the better part of 8 months! 64. Buddhism 65. That I have a piano in my classroom 66. I do not have a dread disease 67. I am funny. People say that, and like that about me 68. I am a good teacher. My students are very happy. And of course, learning. 69. That I like teaching math. I never knew I would. 70. That I can do needlepoint 71. And crewel work 72. And crochet 73. And knit 74. And that I have always enjoyed stamped cross-stitch so much. 75. Women with blonde hair. I like looking at them. 76. That I have this teaching day all planned in advance. 77. And I should have tomorrow’s too. 78. Language 79. Paintings 80. Museums 81. That I’ve been to them. 82. Including in London! 83. That I WENT to London! 84. By myself!!!!! 85. And enjoyed it so much! Yay oh yay oh yay. 86. Everyone who has ever been compassionate to me 87. The strength I DO have 88. That I have a tv 89. And electricity 90. And a desk 91. And it’s pretty 92. Papyrus cards 93. That I have a fireplace 94. And 2 little closets 95. My little sunroom 96. That I have a functional kitchen 97. And can walk 98. And can drive 99. And can hear 100. And can communicate

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Letting the Good Stuff Happen "Before recovery, my relationships were lousy. I didn't do very well on y job. I was enmeshed in my dysfunctional family. But at least I knew what to expect!" Anonymous I want the second half of my life to be as good as the first half was miserable. Sometimes, I'm afraid it won't be. Sometimes, I'm frightened it MIGHT be. The good stuff can scare us. Change, even good change, can be frightening. In some ways, good changes can be more frightening than the hard times. The past, particularly before recovery, may have become comfortable familiar. We knew what to expect in our relationships. They were predictable. They were repeats of the same pattern - the same behaviors, the same pain. over and over again. They may not have been what we wanted, but we knew what was going to happen. This is not so when we change patterns and begin recovering. We may have been fairly good at predicting events in most areas of our life. Relationships would be painful. We'd be deprived. Each year would be almost a repeat of the last. Sometimes it got a little worse, sometimes a little better, but the change wasn't drastic. Not until the moment when we began recovery. Then things changed. And the further we progress in this miraculous program, the more we and our circumstances change. WE begin to explore uncharted territory. Things get good. They do get better all the time. We begin to become successful in love, in work, in life. One day at a time, the good stuff begins to happen and the misery dissipates. We no longer want to me a victim of life. We've learned to avoid unnecessary crisis and trauma. Life gets good. "how do I handle the good stuff?" asked one woman. "It's harder and more foreign than the pain and tragedy." "The same way we handled the difficult and the painful experiences,' I replied. "One day at a time." Today, God, help me let go of my need to be in pain and crisis. Help me move as swiftly as possible through sad feelings and problems. Help me find my base and balance in peace, joy, and gratitude. Help me work as hard at accepting what's god as I have worked in the past at accepting the painful and the difficult.

Today's Reading - In This Moment

In This Moment, I take my time. When I hurry to get things done, I often make mistakes which take extra time to correct. This frustrated me and puts me further behind. Before recovery, I wasn't aware of the negative cycle I created. Nor did I take responsibility for the attitude I adopted. Now, when I'm feeling rushed, I remind myself, 'the hurrier I go, the behinder I get.' That simple phrase changes my mood, slows me down, and causes me to smile. I'm more likely to do things in a timely manner and, as a result, feel a whole lot better about myself.

Today's Reading - Voices of Recovery

"I became more receptive to being grateful." Lifeline Sampler, p. 141 I went to the bank, and I didn't notice friendly tellers. I didn't even appreciate that I had enough money to need a bank! I stewed over standing in line and complained if the computer was slow. At a concert I focused on rattling coughdrop wrappers or the mothball scent of the coat in the next chair. in summing up my imperfect life, I focused on 'poor me' and what I was missing. No wonder I was unhappy. What a difference OA has made, I'm learning to look for the positive in everything. A broken dryer? Thank goodness for a close laundromat. Flat tire? I'm lucky it didn't happen while I was driving. Expensive prescription? I'm grateful to live in the day of antibiotics. Now when I look up, I see that there are far more ceiling tiles that aren't stained. Thank you, higher Power, for my new attitude of gratitude.

Today's Readings - For Today

"No poison so effectively robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear." Edmund Burke Fear wears many masks. It is what often lies behind my facade of silent scorn, passive refusal, a half-dead state of fear around me and say No. No. I will not go. No, I have nothing to say. No, I can't do it. I can remain locked away, or I can reach out, take action. Action can change my outlook, break through the fear. As I do the footwork, I regain contact with my Higher Power and, with God's help, come back to life. Yes, I will share at the meeting. Yes, I will go to the children's school party. Yes, I will give thanks to God for my release fro the bondage of fear. For today: The courage to reach past my fear is within me, but in this Fellowship, I do not have to make the trip alone.
I am grateful: 1. That I have this job 2. And that it DOES take concentration, time, and energy. That helps keep me from focusing on my own self constantly. 3. And gives me an easy opportunity to give to others. 4. Thurs afternoon. At home waiting to go back for Open House presentation. I am grateful that I got home safely on the parkways. 5. And that L. liked my picto-letter to him. 6. It is Tuesday. So much has happened. Eye, knee, head, mother big, friends, L, J, so much. I am grateful that I’ve gotten through it all. 7. And AM getting through it all. 8. I am so grateful that L AND S AND J were here when that last emergency phone call about my mother came this time. 9. And that they came with me to her house 10. And that they took over various things, according to strengths… 11. And that they came with me to the emergency room 12. And stayed for HOURS! 13. And that I did treat the to dinner, even though it was expensive and they didn’t even say thank you 14. I am so grateful for M in my life 15. And that we were on the phone right now 16. I am like, desperately behind in laundry. I am so grateful that I HAVE a washing machine here. 17. That L thanked me for the dinner. The others didn’t, and I’m so glad that L did 18. I am so grateful that MA is my good friend. 19. And back from Iceland 20. And that we talked today. 21. I’m glad for all the times that L, despite his sort of asberger kind of ways, IS “there” for and with me. 22. And that we had lovely great wonderful amazing sex Saturday morning. 23. I’m grateful that I MAY get to read with MA later; a reading date 24. And that I CAN read – am literate 25. And that I got a small raise. Gross anyway; I don’t know yet about net 26. I’m grateful that sometimes lately, piano practice sort of saves me. 27. I am grateful for people who know who I am 28. And who know who I am and accept me. 29. And that the vast majority of doctors and nurses at the hospital with my mother are not critical of me. 30. TJ Max 31. Good non-leather pocketbook buys 32. That I have a home 33. That I am watching the gorgeous oak tree leaves blow in the wind right now 34. That I did return Jo’s call today. 35. I am grateful for this silly show in reruns: The New Adventures of Old Christine. It is cheerful for me. 36. I am grateful that someday my fucking credit card will be paid off. I have not owed credit card money in like over 30 years, so I do not like being in this position, but grateful that it WILL happen. 37. Humor 38. Laughter 39. Li 40. That I did return Jo’s and S’s phone call this am 41. That I can think straight 42. That I can see 43. Movies 44. Computers 45. My laptop 46. My hands, and how well they work for me, typing etc. 47. That I can dress myself 48. And walk 49. That I am free 50. That I am employed 51. That I might see Thich Nhat Hanh this winter. Might. 52. That I slept last night. I needed it. 53. And let myself sleep late this morning. 54. I am grateful for the daily readings opportunities 55. And that my mother did have the endoscopy this morning 56. I am grateful that I have danced 57. And will again 58. And that the book I am currently reading for school is well-written 59. I am so grateful for this day off. 60. I am SO grateful for everyone who sees this 61. And for kisses. Good kisses 62. And caresses 63. And fabulous orgasms 64. I am grateful for my feet. They hold me up and walk for me. 65. I am grateful for clean vegan sweet soap 66. And salad 67. And that I just have one for lunch 68. I am so grateful that I had beans and greens for dinner the other night. 69. And grateful that I want that more. 70. I am grateful for every article of cute clothing I hsave 71. And that I have a car 72. And will get it oil-changed and inspected tomorrow 73. And that I can walk right over from that place to work and back tomorrow. That it is so close. 74. I am grateful that although I have my problems, I am not crazy. 75. And that my mother is sane right now too. 76. An doing well in the hospital right now. 77. I am grateful for everyone who supports me, e 78. veryone whom I support, 79. and everyone who supports each other. 80. I am grateful for music that is uplifting to me 81. And for my piano teacher 82. I am grateful that I am eating better. And about to continue eating even better still 83. I am grateful that I have a fireplace 84. And can and will be using it soon. 85. And for holds, hugs, L. ones 86. I am grateful, so grateful, for this class. They are adorable and I love them. 87. And for their wonderful and lovely parents too! 88. I am grateful for my extremely comfortable (and vegan) sneakers. Wow 89. And that they were on a wonderful sale 90. And the same with the same brand of thongs that I have now. 91. I m grateful that I did not totally give in to my crazies last weekend or this 92. And that I AM working on them! 93. And that I feel so much better today. Phew 94. I am grateful for all the J is doing for my mother! SO grateful. 95. And that, despite the bad circumstances, L finally got to meet my mother. 96. I am grateful for the doggie 97. And that she is happy 98. And that I might see her soon 99. And for good wine 100. And that I am not an alcoholic, so I can enjoy some of it. 101. I am grateful that they are working on fixing my school laptop.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Affirmations

I am surrounded by love. My mind is calm. I am successful in whatever I do. I radiate love and happiness. Everything is getting better every day. I am surrounded by love. My mind is calm. I am successful in whatever I do. I radiate love and happiness. Everything is getting better every day. All is well and right and perfect in my life RIGHT NOW! All is well and right and perfect in my life RIGHT NOW!

Feelings Work

I feel: Better. Less miserable, depressed, and insecure. Nervous. About J, the divorce, money, L, the amount of love I need, energy, work, health, my mother. I think it is because: I have let go my daily spiritual work And - with my knee problem, I've been unable to exercise. Next time I will do differently: DO my daily spiritual work! Call my sponsor daily. Exercise. If need doctor for knee (which seems better now), go. 5 Good Things about Me: Uh oh. Um. Try. 1. I do not eat animals 2. I do not wear animals 3. I try to be ever kind to the children 4. I really try to do what's right by my mother 5. I keep trying to improve myself

Today's Readings - The Language of Letting Go

Times of Reprogramming Recovery is not all tiresome, unrewarded work. There are times of joy and rest, times when we comfortably practice what we have learned. There are times of change, times when we struggle to learn something new or overcome a particular problem. These are the times when what we've been practicing in recovery begins to show in our life. These times of change are intense, but purposeful. There are also times when, at a deep level, we are being "reprogrammed." We start letting go of beliefs and behaviors. We may feel frightened or confused during these times. Our old behaviors or patterns may not have worked for us, but they were comfortable and familiar. During these times we may feel vulnerable, lonely, and needy - like we are on a journey without a road map or a flashlight, and we feel as if no one has traveled this ground before. We may not understand what is being worked out in us. We may not know where or if we are being led. We are being led. We are not alone. Our Higher Power is working. his finest adn best to bring true change in us. Others have traveled this road too. We will be led to someone who can help us, someone who can provide the markers we need. We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold. Recovery is a healing process. We can trust it, even when we don't understand it. We are right where we need to be in this process; we're going through exactly what we need to experience. And where we're going is better than any place we've been. Today, God, help me believe that the changes I'm going through are for the good. Help me believe that the road I'm traveling will lead to a place of light, love, and joy.

Today's Readings - In This Moment

In This Moment, I let bo of my need for approval. There are occasions in my life when I think I need the love and approval of another person to feel good about myself. Any form of rejection only verifies my feeling of low self-worth, and starts me on a spiral of negativity and depression. My Step Four inventory opens my eyes to this harmful cycle. My situation will not change until I change. With the help of my Higher Power, who loves and cares for me, I am learning to love and value myself: including my feelings, thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. Gradually, outside approval becomes less important, and I begin to see myself as valuable and strong. Today, I work on loving and valuing myself. As my need for approval from others decreases, my level of happiness increases. I view myself as a whole, lovable person.

Today's Readings - Voices of Recovery

"We pray about these things, not so we can get our way, but so we can bring our will regarding them into alignment with God's will." OA 12 & 12 p. 94-95 So this is where I"m supposed to be. I may want something, but I no longer need to translate it into a false need. I do my best, and then I let go. If I can't be doing exactly what I want, I do what is right in front of me, accepting my Higher Power's will.

Today's Readings - For Today

"To err is human; to forgive divine." Alexander Pope If I am unable to accept the fact that people make mistakes, am I not rejecitng them as human beings? Even more to the point: does my inability to accept my own failings cause me to see myself as not measuring up? For my own peace of mind, I nee to forgive even the most damaging transgressions; but forgiveness of others can only come when I have learned to forgive myself. For today: I pray for a forgiving heart and the willingness to let go bitterness.

Dear God

Good Morning, Dear God Thank you for the morning. Thank you for everything for which I am grateful, and everything I'm not even smart enough to be grateful for. I offer this day for Your glory. Amen

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. I did well yesterday, the first day of school 2. My kids are adorable 3. They seemed happy 4. They seemed to like me 5. I got there safely 6. I got home safely 7. I have gotten to and from L’s, 1 – 2 hours away usually closer to 1, safely every time 8. M bought cute erasers to give out 9. I raffled lots of good stuff too 10. Ma came in as my aide. 11. It was great! She took some initiative, and we got a lot done. She may not get to stay, but I was sure glad she was there yesterday! 12. Reruns of Friends sitcom 13. L’s interest in dinosaurs 14. Little kids believing in Santa 15. The skirt I wore yesterday 16. That I’ll get to my mother’s this morning before work and get this freakin’ bill stuff done 17. And J will come this weekend to go over some money stuff with me. It means I won’t get to go to L’s but I really need this 18. Laughter 19. Innocence 20. And innocents. Like my students 21. The beautiful amazing poem L wrote for me the other day 22. And the one he wrote last March too. 23. Next day – I am grateful that I have such sweet kids (class) 24. Innocents 25. And that I am so nice to them 26. And for their adorable little papers they wrote, about wht they want their teacher to know about them 27. And for our new computer teacher 28. And that he will help me to do Garage Band with them in a couple months 29. And that he set up my computers 30. And set up my SMARTBoard 31. And put the printers on my computers 32. Well, it’s Fri morning now, and I’m feeling wiped out. Exhausted. And knee very bad – long story – BUT – I DO remember yesterday, thinking, “I like my life.” And that was a BIG deal. And I’m VERY grateful for that. 33. I got my hair cut and colored yesterday. That is a luxury. 34. L. is coming HERE this weekend. I have been going THERE since mid-July! I’m grateful that I don’t have the drive. Nervous about what the heck to do, with all this exhaustion and the rain – but glad he’s doing the driving this time. 35. Plus SO glad he WANTS to see me! 36. And now it’s a long time later. September 13. Schedule has been insane and I’ve been so fatigued. But I am grateful that I’m still alive 37. And I haven’t had an accident 38. I filled the car with gas yesterday 39. And am getting it inspected it today. 40. I’m grateful that L and I had a talk the other night and things seem good 41. And that my doctor helped me with my insecurities last night 42. And that I am working on a schedule; must do MY things to keep up Myself and security and wholeness 43. And that I’m doing this this morning 44. I’m grateful for the daily meditation books. 45. I’m grateful that this class is so adorable 46. And that I’ve been sleeping every night, through the night 47. I am so grateful for M’s friendship 48. And that I did take my old and very sick mother out for her birthday 49. So very grateful that J is helping so much with her! 50. I am grateful that he saw the new 9/11 memorial near my house 51. And that maybe soon I might see doggie. 52. Grateful also, I think, that she’s not here full-time 53. So grateful that within a few short breaths, the mindfulness brings me such peace. What a gift! 54. I’m grateful for pedicures 55. And for this beautiful wonderful laptop 56. And that since my school one broke, and Open House is tonight, the computer person is getting me a loaner today 57. I’m grateful that M and I work together! Especially with these pain in the ass other two with whom I have to work. I don’t want to be this way but it’s how it feels 58. Grateful that L said, and I quote, “I love you Cheryl.” 59. And, “You are very special to me.” 60. And, “I cherish this relationship.” 61. Grateful that with him and S and J coming Saturday into Sunday, and me taking my mother for medical test Tuesday, that I’m just plain old off on Monday! : ) 62. I’m grateful that I sent that check out for my mother yesterday! 63. And those bills of mine 64. And that my kids did the fun science 65. And the fun math 66. I am grateful that I’ve fit in time for the 100 grats again starting today. Very important. 67. I’m so grateful that I don’t eat animals 68. And that many people don’t now, or do so less 69. I’m grateful for beaches 70. And parks 71. And my yard 72. I’m grateful for my air conditioners 73. And that L has his biomat he loves so much. Such luxuries 74. I’m grateful that I can read 75. And that I’m in the book course again 76. And have the book 77. And have started it 78. And that my sponsor is still speaking to me 79. I’m grateful that I did FINALLY manage to practice a little piano yesterday 80. And should be able to again today. 81. And that my classroom is not a mess. Yet? 82. I’m grateful that I saw a baby squirrel right here on my property. So cute 83. And that that ginormous rat was only a dream! 84. I’m grateful that I have a washer 85. And dryer. 86. And don’t have to go even outside the house to use them, like in one house I saw 87. And I’m literally grateful that I have a kitchen sink 88. And a small class 89. I’m grateful, so grateful, for God 90. And Buddha 91. And Thich Nhat Hanh 92. And that I’ve sat with him on four retreats. Wow. 93. And that I was part of the sit-in for peace in Trafalgar Square! Oh my gosh 94. I am grateful that I can enjoy a little wine And am not an alcoholic 95. I am grateful for every good, nutritious, light meal I have 96. And that L had a totally vegetarian, almost totally raw dinner last night 97. And that I don’t have to cook for S and J this weekend! 98. I am grateful for the skirt I wore yesterday. Really. 99. And that I have something nice to wear today/tonight as well 100. And for comfortable, cute shoes.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Affirmations

God made me I am good enough I did the best I could with what I had and what I knew then. God made me I am good enough I did the best I could with what I had and what I knew then. God made me I am good enough I did the best I could with what I had and what I knew then.

Feelings Work

I feel: Depressed but not overwhelmingly Grateful that M called Sad Anxious in a good way, about the beginning of school Nervous about the emotional output of all these new relationships, uh oh. I think it is because: I haven't been doing my spiritual work. It is realistic and normal to feel "anniversaryish" about going back without J in my life to such an extent. I haven't had enough vegetables. Next time I will do differently. Take care of myself for this 24 hours! 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I have never fully given up 2. I am able to laugh and enjoy with people 3. I was patient and didn't confront L when I felt upset the other day. And that worked out GREAT! 4. I am affectionate 5. I am sexual

Gratitudes

I am grateful for all this and more: 1. That I can walk through my house 2. That L is so affectionate with me lately 3. And with his words to me not just his touches 4. Sitcoms. I wish I didn’t need them, but I do 5. That I am alive. It is the first school year I’ve ever started since 1986, without J. I mean, last year, he wasn’t living here, but it wasn’t until December that he said divorce is inevitable. I wouldn’t have thought I could live until now. And almost didn’t. 6. That I woke up in time. Early even. Too early lol, but better that than late. 7. That Jo and I are becoming friends 8. M 9. MA 10. ML 11. St 12. That my mother is home from the hospital. 13. That I came home from my weekend away to get her there. That I did the right thing. 14. I don’t think I’ll swim in the ocean again. It was probably stupid. Considering those waves, and the fact that I can’t really swim. But – so many(!) gratitudes from my time in the water. Like, that I got to do that with L. 15. And experience those smooth bumpy waves. 16. And live through the tricky problems from the big ones. Oh boy. 17. And the feeling of jumping them with L. 18. And him showing me how. 19. And me feeling so happy. 20. Both those two days. 21. And reading my book on the chair. 22. And that he even BRINGS a chair for me. 23. And managing to change clothes on the beach 24. That S and Jo held the blanket up for me 25. And the time before, when L did 26. The powder-like sand 27. Little H helping me too 28. That those people alerted the lifeguard when I was in trouble 29. That I have been sending cards to Ma, who lost her son tragically this summer 30. I am grateful for hope. Any amount, whenever I have it. Even this morning. 31. I am grateful for my job. 32. I am grateful for email. 33. I am grateful for telephones. 34. And that I have AND my friends/family have too. 35. I am grateful for J. Yup, really. 36. I am grateful for Scrabble. 37. I am grateful for prayer. 38. The amazing, beautiful poem L. wrote for me and sent me yesterday. 39. Texting 40. And that I do NOT do it while driving! 41. That there was no 1-hour delay the last TWO times I drove to L. 42. Relief from depression, every time I have it. 43. Daily meditation readings 44. Reiki. 45. That I gave it to L Sunday morning, at his request because of his pain and fear 46. That he felt things being lifted, again. 47. And that it gave ME such peace! What a lovely and unexpected reward! 48. That M is settled in her house. I’m so happy for her. 49. And that her daughters love it so much. 50. Broadway 51. Movies 52. Concerts 53. That I have seen/heard Yo Yo Ma in person 54. And touched the hand of Nana Mouskouri 55. And chatted with Peter, Paul and Mary 56. I am scared. And I am grateful for prayer to help me through. Now I am going to stop writing grats and go pay those bills! 57. That I just did some of the bill paying. I am out of money and have A LOT more to pay; that has never happened to me before. But I am grateful that I did what I could, and will make calls today for the rest. 58. That I have done all I can about it for this morning. 59. That I realized the other day, that I MUST put all my faith, hope, life, in God; not L, not J, not any relationship, not any other man. 60. That I am doing the readings today. Thank God 61. That I prayed this morning 62. That my sponsor shared with me about praying when having trouble doing something, like bills. 63. That I exercised for ½ hour yesterday! 64. The DVD I used 65. Mindfulness 66. Mindfulness meditation 67. That I wrote to J about money. 68. That I have hope about money. 69. That I can save as soon as I get all this shit in order. Oh God. Oh well. At least I can. 70. That I have food 71. And a roof. 72. And a sponsor, if is still talking to me. 73. L. last night in bed on the phone, playing the guess-the-theme-song-from-the-tv-shows-from-our-childhood game with me: ) 74. I am grateful, so grateful, that I do not have a dread disease. 75. For the friendship I used to have with C 76. That my mother gave me nice words about my teaching ability yesterday 77. That I will treat these new students today, as the innocents they are. 78. Laughter. 79. That my legs work. Especially with this hurt and swollen knee, I am reminded of how fortunate I am that my legs do work. 80. That I can see. 81. That I am not dying right now 82. That I have water. Especially since I bought water that appears to have been tampered with, I am so grateful for all the access to fresh, clean water that I DO have. 83. The sweetie little student I got to meet last week. What a doll! 84. That it seems she will be happy with me in class this year 85. My brain 86. My voice. I remember when I couldn’t physically speak for the better part of 8 months. So grateful that I can now. 87. And that J was such a great help and support and loving presence to me then. 88. And that because of that “problem,” I wound up meeting K. 89. And receiving Reiki. 90. And becoming Level I myself. 91. And later, Level II. 92. Every night I ever got to spend with John. 93. I am very, very sad this morning. Very sad. But I am grateful for all the moments of my life when I have not been sad. All the moments when I am not sad. 94. And that this sadness is not all-consuming depression. Not incapacitating. 95. That it will most probably lift, at least somewhat, when I get going to work today. 96. The example so many people have been to me. 97. That MA is probably having a nice time on her vacation right now. 98. That M just called 99. That I am on the phone with her now. 100. That she called Mi and asked him about his feelings yesterday. 101. And that I supported her in that 102. And even L. agreed too.

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Step Ten "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." Step Ten of Al-Anon Once we have worked our way to this Step, we can maintain and increase our self-esteem by regularly working Step Ten. This step incorporates the process we have gone through in Steps Four through Nine. We do not work this Step to punish ourselves or to hold ourselves under a constantly critical and demeaning microscope. We do it to maintain self-esteem and harmony in our relationship with ourselves and others. We do it to stay on track. When an issue or problem emerges and needs our attention, identify it and openly discuss it with at least one safe person and God. Accept it. Become willing to let go of it. Ask God to take it from us. Have a change of heart by the willingness to make whatever amend is called for - to do what is necessary to take care of ourselves. Take an appropriate action to resolve the matter. Then let go of the guilt and shame. This is a simple formula for taking care of ourselves. This is how we change. This is how we become changed. This is the process for healing and health. This is the process for achieving self-responsibility and self-esteem. The next time we do something that bothers us, the next time we feel off track or off course, we con't have to waste our time or energy feeling ashamed. We can take a Tenth Step. Let the process happen. And move on with our life. God, help me make this Step and other STeps a habitual way of responding to life and my issues. Help me know that I am free to live, to allow myself to fully experiment with and experience life. If I get off course, or if an issue arises that demands my attention, help me deal with it by using the Tenth Step.

Today's Reading - In This Moment

In This Moment, I'm entirely ready. I ask God to remove my self-righteousness. Even though I may be right much of the time, it's amazing how little my 'rightness' is appreciated by others. In many instances, I need to ask myself, "Would I rather be right or would I rather be happy?" More often that not, I can't have it both ways. Recently, after an aggravating situation at work, I prayed about Step Six. I was surprised to find the bitterness gone from my heart within a short time. i reviewed the situation - would the feelings return? When they didn't materialize, I expressed gratitude to my Higher Power. Why had I waited so long? It's so simple.

Today's Reading - Voices of Recovery

"Our Higher Power is the only source of help that is always available to us, always strong enough to lift us up and set our feet on the path of life." OA 12 & 12 p. 98 Bingeing, turning to others for comfort, and addictive behaviors were my ways of coping with life before OA. Now I'm reassured by trusting that twenty-four hours a day, in every situation, God is within me to lovingly guide and direct my life. The ability to maintain abstinence through the struggle of homelessness, the pain of emotional relapse, and the fear of financial insecurity are evidence to me of a power greater than myself. Daily practice of prayer and meditation allows direct conscious contact with this source of healing and strength. When self-will runs riot, or character defects flare up, I trust my Higher Power to lead me back to a path of sane living. In recovery I enjoy an intimate relationship with God; spiritual friends; family; OA fellowship; and a safe, secure home. I am grateful to be beyond food obsession and harmful behaviors. A joy I could only imagine in the past is mine today, with my Higher Power guiding my life.

Today's Reading - For Today

"The present time has one advantage over every other - it is our own." Charles Caleb Colton I have all the wealth in the world right now, in this moment, when I can live free of anxiety about the future and the pain of the past. There is power in the present moment. It has the strength and substance of reality, not the will-o'-the-wisp of illusion. When I live in the world as it is, one minute, one hour, one day at a time, I lose all thoughts of plans and blueprints. The present is mine today, and I claim it without hesitation. i open my mind, take leave of worry and free myself of all that keeps me from enjoying the beauty of the world. For today: Nothing that happened yesterday or that may happen tomorrow is more important than NOW.