I love and respect myself as I am.
The Universe (or God) provides me with enough money to satisfy all my needs.
I am happy and radiate happiness.
I radiate and attract love.
I am strong and healthy.
I am health conscious and love exercising.
I radiate and attract love.
I radiate and attract love.
I radiate and attract love.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Grats
I am grateful:
1. EJ’s comment. Even though I felt ridiculous, it did help me some.
2. Feel like shit, yes, but not quite as bad as yesterday, which was not quite as bad as the day before.
3. God.
4. Some things from the book, “My Stroke of Insight.” Including: P. 10 “It is perhaps of interest that our human genetic code is constructed by the exact same four nucleotides (complex molecules) as every other form of life on the planet. At the level of our DNA, we are related to the birds, reptiles, amphibians, other mammals, and even the plant life. From a purely biological perspective, we human beings are our own species-specific mutation of earth’s genetic possibility.” I hope this helps more people be humane to the non-human animals.
5. And “Most of he different types of cells in our body die and are replaced every few weeks or months.” (not neurons though). Such hope.
6. And P. 116 “…the knowledge that deep internal peace is accessible to anyone at any time.
7. And same page, like Thich Nhat Hahn. She begins, “My stroke of insight would be:” and then the part like TNH: “Peace is only a thought away, and all we have to do to access it is silence the voice of our dominating left mind.”
8. And “…in the case of vision, if you put a patch over one eye, blocking visual stimulation coming into the cells of the visual cortex, then those cells will reach out to ward a new function. I needed the people around me to believe in the plasticity of my brain and its ability to grow, learn, and recover.” Maybe I’ll try this yet again.
9. And I think this is good life advice: p. 126: “I made my decisions based upon how things felt inside. There were certain emotions like anger, frustration, or fear that felt uncomfortable when they surged through my body. So I told my brain that I didn’t like that felling and didn’t want to hook into those neural loops. I learned that I could use my left mind, through language, to talk directly to my brain and tell it what I wanted and what I didn’t want.
10. …I had much more say about how I felt and for how long, and I was adamantly opposed to reactivating old painful emotional circuits.
11. Also 127: “Nothing external to me has the power to take away my peace of heart and mind. That was completely up to me. I may not be in total control of what happens to my life, but I certainly am in charge of how I choose to perceive my experience.”
12. P. 146: “My right hemisphere is all about right here, right now. It bounces around with unbridled enthusiasm and does not have a care in the world. It smiles a lot and is extremely friendly.” Like doggie : )
13. P. 147: “I feel safe in the world and walk the earth as though it is my backyard.” I like that sentence. Imagine that. Maybe I could have that someday. I will try to have it even soon.
14. I think this is good life advice: “I learned that I need to be very wary of my storyteller’s potential for stirring up drama and trauma.”
15. And, I loved this. P. 154: “There has been nothing more empowering than the realization that I don’t have to think thoughts that bring me pain.” …can consciously, but then: “I have the ability to choose a peaceful and loving mind (my right mind), whatever my physical or mental circumstances, by deciding to step to the right and bring my thoughts back to the present moment.”
16. P. 155: (about the driving ticket). “This little voice of negativity kept trying to raise its ugly head and bum me out.” …”Thanks to my stroke, I have learned that I can own my power and stop thinking about events that have occurred in the past by consciously realigning myself with the present.”
17. And later of the page, like that Plato quote, where she says, “For me, it’s really easy to be kind to others when I remember that none of us came into this world with a manual about how to get it all right.”
18. P. 156: “Feeling deep inner peace and sharing kindness is always a choice for either of us.”…”Seeing this moment as a perfect moment is always a choice.”
19. P. 158: “When I take responsibility for the circumstances of my life, I put myself in the driver’s seat and own my power. In an attempt to maintain my sanity (peaceful heart) in a world that often feels like it spins dangerously fast, I continue to work very hard to maintain a healthy relationship between what is going on in my right and left minds. I love knowing that I am simultaneously (depending on which hemisphere you ask) as big as the universe and yet merely a heap of star dust.”
20. And …”…the more aware I am about how I am influencing the energies around me, the more say I have in what comes my way.”
21. P. 159: “…Learning to listen to your brain from the position of a nonjudgmental witness may take some practice and patience, but once you master this awareness, you become free to step beyond the worrisome drama and trauma of your storyteller.”
22. P. 159 – 160: “When my brain runs loops that feel harshly judgmental, counterproductive, or out of control, I wait ninety seconds for the emotional/physiological response to dissipate and then…’I appreciate your ability to think thoughts and feed emotions, but I am really not interested in thinking these thoughts or feeling these emotions anymore. Please stop bringing this stuff up.”
23. P. 162: “…be willing to make the decision a thousand times a day.” And the 3 things: 1. I remember something I find fascinating that I would like to ponder more deeply 2. I think about something that brings me terrific joy, or 3. I think about something I would like to do. When I am desperate to change m mind, I use such tools.
24. P. 163: “…vial to our health that we pay very close attention to how much time we spend hooked into the circuitry of anger, or the depths of despair.”
25. More that’s like Mindfulness and THN on p. 164 too
26. P. 165: “I am so grateful that they [fifty trillion molecular geniuses making up my body] that they are alive and working together in perfect harmony that I implicitly trust them to bring me health.” “I unconditionally love my cells with an open heart and grateful mind. Spontaneously throughout the day, I acknowledge their existence and enthusiastically cheer them on. I am a wonderful living being capable of beaming my energy into m world, only because of them.” And 2 more TNH’s.
27. P. 168: “This stroke of insight has given me the priceless gift of knowing that deep inner peace is just a thought/feeling away. To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.”
28. And “The feeling of peace is something that happens in the present moment. It’s not something that we bring with us from the past or project into the future. Step one to experiencing inner peace is the willingness to be present in the right here, right now.”
29. And 169: “Enlightenment is not a process of learning, it is a process of unlearning.”
30. And later: “My left mind thinks of me as a fragile individual capable of losing my life. My right mind realized that the essence of my being has eternal life.”
31. And then about the breathing.
32. And sort of like walking meditation, breathing mediation, eating meditation…
33. P. 172 about how different foods make her feel: I have the SAME things.
34. P. 177 made me think of positive visualization.
35. And on 178, about reiki and prayer. And science has proven the power of prayer – could be electronic – does not have to have to do with a God. Could be the electrical charges of so many people thinking about someone.
36. And 179 tai chi, walking in nature, singing, (piano)
37. P. 179: “in this moment I reclaim my JOY, or In this moment I am perfect, whole, and beautiful, or I am an innocent and peaceful child of the universe, I shift back into the consciousness of my right mind.
38. p. 180: I am always in quest of being open to what the universe will bring me.”
39. P. 181: “How I wish you could lose your emotional baggage, just like I did, and shift back into your natural state of joy!”
40. And “if it’s a choice, then why would anyone choose anything other than happiness? I can only speculate, but my guess is that many of us simply do not realize that we have a choice and therefore don’t exercise our ability to choose.”
41. P. 182: “No one told me that it only took ninety seconds for my biochemistry to capture, and then release me. What an enormous difference this awareness has made in how I live my life.”
42. And “It is just as easy for me to habitually run the happiness circuit as it is for me to run the anger circuit. In fact, from a biological prspectie, happiness is the natural state of being for my right mind. As such, this circuitry is constantly running and is always available for me to tap into.” …”anger circuit…As soon as the physiological response has passed out of my bloodstream, I can resume my joy.”
43. And “I, personally, feel allergic to how fear and/or anxiety feel in my body. When these emotions surge through me, I feel so uncomfortable that I want to crawl out of my skin. Because I don’t like the way these emotions feel physiologically, I’m not inclined to hook into that circuitry on a regular basis.”
44. And “…remember that all of my thoughts are merely fleeting physiology, I feel less moved when my storyteller goes haywire and my circuitry is triggered.”
45. “I take responsibility for what circuitry I purposely exercise and stimulate.”
46. “Since I like being joyful, I hang out with people who value my joy.”
47. “Please be very careful what circuits you stimulate when you visit someone who is not well. Death is a natural process we all must experience. Just realize that deep inside your right mind (deep within your heart’s consciousness) rests eternal peace. The easiest way I have found to humble myself back into a state of peaceful grace is through the act of gratitude. When I am simply grateful, life is simply great.” Even typing this sentence out gives me such hope!
48. And, it makes me think: It is all day and night – not just when writing the hundred in the morning.
49. She says on p. 185, “I have learned so much from this experience with stroke that I actually feel fortunate to have taken this journey…” Will I maybe feel that way someday about this current hardship? Oh, hope.
50. And “I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.”
51. P. 186: “…capable of choosing who and how we want to be in the world. Fortunately, how we choose to be today is not predetermined by how we were yesterday.”
52. And “Although it is easier for me to nip a weed when it is just a sprouting bud, with determination and perseverance, even the gnarliest of vines, when deprived of fuel, will eventually lose its strength and fall to the side.”
53. P. 187: “…Gandhi…’We must be the change want to see in the world.’”
54. And “Your body is the life force power of some fifty trillion molecular geniuses. You and you alone choose moment by moment who and how you want to be in the world. I encourage you to pay attention to what is going on in your brain. Own your power and show up for your life. Beam bright!”
55. “And when your life force wanes, I hope you will give the gift of hope and donate your beautiful brain to Harvard.” Wow. Okay. And I hope others who read this will too. And me.
56. Today’s For Today: “People who are brought to the brink of destruction and then one day awake to find themselves restored to perfect health do not believe in coincidence. We are held breathless, awestricken by personal stories in which recovery – indeed, life itself – hinged on blind ‘chance,’ on a series of events so incredible they would be dismissed in other circumstance.”...So “For today: The powerful force that brought me to OA is ready to lead me to the promises of this program.”
57. That I’ve acknowledged my kinesthetic self. Even as a pre-schooler, I used to love doing those lace-up things, and the Little Red Spinning Wheel. And learning to knit. As a pres-schooler. And this typing in the mornings helps me. Yes, helps put my mind in better place due to content, but the physical helps too!
58. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Through prayer and meditation we align ourselves with a higher spiritual power which gives us everything we need to live to our fullest potential.” OA 12 & 12 p. 98.
59. It says, “I rise in the forelight, before dawn, to align myself with the power behind the rising sun.
60. “Through a combination of prayer, meditation, reading, and writing, I put people, places, and things on the horizon.
61. “Then I sit quietly, absorbing the procession of colors from dark to dawn as the light feeds my soul and soothes my emotions.
62. “I marvel as the day offers greater fulfillment of potential in every area of my life.
63. “Simple prayers of ‘Thy will be done’ and ‘Thank you, God’ help me maintain my morning mood all day and night.
64. “such spiritual food I have only discovered through continuous abstinence from compulsive overeating.
65. “My greatest potential goes beyond my own life; it exists in service to others.”
66. And that last year I had put a question mark there, but now I get it!
67. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I play.
68. “…inner child…run, jump, and dance…give my inner child the unconditional love and validation it needs…open to spontaneity and allowing my creativity to flow through.
69. “I have fun while still being responsible for myself, not irresponsible and childish.
70. “I am curious and adventuresome. I am grateful for this chance to live freely.
71. “I am open to life.
72. “I am open to joy.”
73. Today’s Language of Letting Go: About a gerbil that escaped and was running through the house. For weeks. And they were lunging and couldn’t catch it. Then the grown-up gave up. “I’m all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I’m going to let it. I’m don worrying about it…”
74. Then became comfortable with own new reaction, and once didn’t chase/lunge. Gerbil stopped, looked at her, she started to lunge, and it ran.
75. “’Fine,’I said, ‘Do what you want.’ And I meant it. One hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently pickedit up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever since. The moral of the story? Don’t lunge at the gerbil. He’s already frightened, and chasing him jut scares him more and makes us crazy. Detachment works.” Hmmmmm.
76. People who make it home from wars, intact physically and emotionally.
77. Water
78. My legs
79. My car
80. My eyesight!
81. My hearing
82. My piano-ability
83. My voice
84. My breath
85. My stove
86. My new microwave that will come.
87. Dr. coming today
88. My oak tree leaves, golden, blowing right now. Pretty.
89. That MA pointed out the sky the evening before last. And I looked.
90. Hope.
91. People who read this.
92. That it might even help someone.
93. Meditating with the kids.
94. Centers today. Good.
95. That the next book we’re reading shouldn’t be a painful one.
96. Time
97. That Ja seemed so happy with our gift, even before she’d opened it all!
98. I go to M’s tomorrow after work.
99. And then maybe meeting.
100. My mother.
1. EJ’s comment. Even though I felt ridiculous, it did help me some.
2. Feel like shit, yes, but not quite as bad as yesterday, which was not quite as bad as the day before.
3. God.
4. Some things from the book, “My Stroke of Insight.” Including: P. 10 “It is perhaps of interest that our human genetic code is constructed by the exact same four nucleotides (complex molecules) as every other form of life on the planet. At the level of our DNA, we are related to the birds, reptiles, amphibians, other mammals, and even the plant life. From a purely biological perspective, we human beings are our own species-specific mutation of earth’s genetic possibility.” I hope this helps more people be humane to the non-human animals.
5. And “Most of he different types of cells in our body die and are replaced every few weeks or months.” (not neurons though). Such hope.
6. And P. 116 “…the knowledge that deep internal peace is accessible to anyone at any time.
7. And same page, like Thich Nhat Hahn. She begins, “My stroke of insight would be:” and then the part like TNH: “Peace is only a thought away, and all we have to do to access it is silence the voice of our dominating left mind.”
8. And “…in the case of vision, if you put a patch over one eye, blocking visual stimulation coming into the cells of the visual cortex, then those cells will reach out to ward a new function. I needed the people around me to believe in the plasticity of my brain and its ability to grow, learn, and recover.” Maybe I’ll try this yet again.
9. And I think this is good life advice: p. 126: “I made my decisions based upon how things felt inside. There were certain emotions like anger, frustration, or fear that felt uncomfortable when they surged through my body. So I told my brain that I didn’t like that felling and didn’t want to hook into those neural loops. I learned that I could use my left mind, through language, to talk directly to my brain and tell it what I wanted and what I didn’t want.
10. …I had much more say about how I felt and for how long, and I was adamantly opposed to reactivating old painful emotional circuits.
11. Also 127: “Nothing external to me has the power to take away my peace of heart and mind. That was completely up to me. I may not be in total control of what happens to my life, but I certainly am in charge of how I choose to perceive my experience.”
12. P. 146: “My right hemisphere is all about right here, right now. It bounces around with unbridled enthusiasm and does not have a care in the world. It smiles a lot and is extremely friendly.” Like doggie : )
13. P. 147: “I feel safe in the world and walk the earth as though it is my backyard.” I like that sentence. Imagine that. Maybe I could have that someday. I will try to have it even soon.
14. I think this is good life advice: “I learned that I need to be very wary of my storyteller’s potential for stirring up drama and trauma.”
15. And, I loved this. P. 154: “There has been nothing more empowering than the realization that I don’t have to think thoughts that bring me pain.” …can consciously, but then: “I have the ability to choose a peaceful and loving mind (my right mind), whatever my physical or mental circumstances, by deciding to step to the right and bring my thoughts back to the present moment.”
16. P. 155: (about the driving ticket). “This little voice of negativity kept trying to raise its ugly head and bum me out.” …”Thanks to my stroke, I have learned that I can own my power and stop thinking about events that have occurred in the past by consciously realigning myself with the present.”
17. And later of the page, like that Plato quote, where she says, “For me, it’s really easy to be kind to others when I remember that none of us came into this world with a manual about how to get it all right.”
18. P. 156: “Feeling deep inner peace and sharing kindness is always a choice for either of us.”…”Seeing this moment as a perfect moment is always a choice.”
19. P. 158: “When I take responsibility for the circumstances of my life, I put myself in the driver’s seat and own my power. In an attempt to maintain my sanity (peaceful heart) in a world that often feels like it spins dangerously fast, I continue to work very hard to maintain a healthy relationship between what is going on in my right and left minds. I love knowing that I am simultaneously (depending on which hemisphere you ask) as big as the universe and yet merely a heap of star dust.”
20. And …”…the more aware I am about how I am influencing the energies around me, the more say I have in what comes my way.”
21. P. 159: “…Learning to listen to your brain from the position of a nonjudgmental witness may take some practice and patience, but once you master this awareness, you become free to step beyond the worrisome drama and trauma of your storyteller.”
22. P. 159 – 160: “When my brain runs loops that feel harshly judgmental, counterproductive, or out of control, I wait ninety seconds for the emotional/physiological response to dissipate and then…’I appreciate your ability to think thoughts and feed emotions, but I am really not interested in thinking these thoughts or feeling these emotions anymore. Please stop bringing this stuff up.”
23. P. 162: “…be willing to make the decision a thousand times a day.” And the 3 things: 1. I remember something I find fascinating that I would like to ponder more deeply 2. I think about something that brings me terrific joy, or 3. I think about something I would like to do. When I am desperate to change m mind, I use such tools.
24. P. 163: “…vial to our health that we pay very close attention to how much time we spend hooked into the circuitry of anger, or the depths of despair.”
25. More that’s like Mindfulness and THN on p. 164 too
26. P. 165: “I am so grateful that they [fifty trillion molecular geniuses making up my body] that they are alive and working together in perfect harmony that I implicitly trust them to bring me health.” “I unconditionally love my cells with an open heart and grateful mind. Spontaneously throughout the day, I acknowledge their existence and enthusiastically cheer them on. I am a wonderful living being capable of beaming my energy into m world, only because of them.” And 2 more TNH’s.
27. P. 168: “This stroke of insight has given me the priceless gift of knowing that deep inner peace is just a thought/feeling away. To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.”
28. And “The feeling of peace is something that happens in the present moment. It’s not something that we bring with us from the past or project into the future. Step one to experiencing inner peace is the willingness to be present in the right here, right now.”
29. And 169: “Enlightenment is not a process of learning, it is a process of unlearning.”
30. And later: “My left mind thinks of me as a fragile individual capable of losing my life. My right mind realized that the essence of my being has eternal life.”
31. And then about the breathing.
32. And sort of like walking meditation, breathing mediation, eating meditation…
33. P. 172 about how different foods make her feel: I have the SAME things.
34. P. 177 made me think of positive visualization.
35. And on 178, about reiki and prayer. And science has proven the power of prayer – could be electronic – does not have to have to do with a God. Could be the electrical charges of so many people thinking about someone.
36. And 179 tai chi, walking in nature, singing, (piano)
37. P. 179: “in this moment I reclaim my JOY, or In this moment I am perfect, whole, and beautiful, or I am an innocent and peaceful child of the universe, I shift back into the consciousness of my right mind.
38. p. 180: I am always in quest of being open to what the universe will bring me.”
39. P. 181: “How I wish you could lose your emotional baggage, just like I did, and shift back into your natural state of joy!”
40. And “if it’s a choice, then why would anyone choose anything other than happiness? I can only speculate, but my guess is that many of us simply do not realize that we have a choice and therefore don’t exercise our ability to choose.”
41. P. 182: “No one told me that it only took ninety seconds for my biochemistry to capture, and then release me. What an enormous difference this awareness has made in how I live my life.”
42. And “It is just as easy for me to habitually run the happiness circuit as it is for me to run the anger circuit. In fact, from a biological prspectie, happiness is the natural state of being for my right mind. As such, this circuitry is constantly running and is always available for me to tap into.” …”anger circuit…As soon as the physiological response has passed out of my bloodstream, I can resume my joy.”
43. And “I, personally, feel allergic to how fear and/or anxiety feel in my body. When these emotions surge through me, I feel so uncomfortable that I want to crawl out of my skin. Because I don’t like the way these emotions feel physiologically, I’m not inclined to hook into that circuitry on a regular basis.”
44. And “…remember that all of my thoughts are merely fleeting physiology, I feel less moved when my storyteller goes haywire and my circuitry is triggered.”
45. “I take responsibility for what circuitry I purposely exercise and stimulate.”
46. “Since I like being joyful, I hang out with people who value my joy.”
47. “Please be very careful what circuits you stimulate when you visit someone who is not well. Death is a natural process we all must experience. Just realize that deep inside your right mind (deep within your heart’s consciousness) rests eternal peace. The easiest way I have found to humble myself back into a state of peaceful grace is through the act of gratitude. When I am simply grateful, life is simply great.” Even typing this sentence out gives me such hope!
48. And, it makes me think: It is all day and night – not just when writing the hundred in the morning.
49. She says on p. 185, “I have learned so much from this experience with stroke that I actually feel fortunate to have taken this journey…” Will I maybe feel that way someday about this current hardship? Oh, hope.
50. And “I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.”
51. P. 186: “…capable of choosing who and how we want to be in the world. Fortunately, how we choose to be today is not predetermined by how we were yesterday.”
52. And “Although it is easier for me to nip a weed when it is just a sprouting bud, with determination and perseverance, even the gnarliest of vines, when deprived of fuel, will eventually lose its strength and fall to the side.”
53. P. 187: “…Gandhi…’We must be the change want to see in the world.’”
54. And “Your body is the life force power of some fifty trillion molecular geniuses. You and you alone choose moment by moment who and how you want to be in the world. I encourage you to pay attention to what is going on in your brain. Own your power and show up for your life. Beam bright!”
55. “And when your life force wanes, I hope you will give the gift of hope and donate your beautiful brain to Harvard.” Wow. Okay. And I hope others who read this will too. And me.
56. Today’s For Today: “People who are brought to the brink of destruction and then one day awake to find themselves restored to perfect health do not believe in coincidence. We are held breathless, awestricken by personal stories in which recovery – indeed, life itself – hinged on blind ‘chance,’ on a series of events so incredible they would be dismissed in other circumstance.”...So “For today: The powerful force that brought me to OA is ready to lead me to the promises of this program.”
57. That I’ve acknowledged my kinesthetic self. Even as a pre-schooler, I used to love doing those lace-up things, and the Little Red Spinning Wheel. And learning to knit. As a pres-schooler. And this typing in the mornings helps me. Yes, helps put my mind in better place due to content, but the physical helps too!
58. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Through prayer and meditation we align ourselves with a higher spiritual power which gives us everything we need to live to our fullest potential.” OA 12 & 12 p. 98.
59. It says, “I rise in the forelight, before dawn, to align myself with the power behind the rising sun.
60. “Through a combination of prayer, meditation, reading, and writing, I put people, places, and things on the horizon.
61. “Then I sit quietly, absorbing the procession of colors from dark to dawn as the light feeds my soul and soothes my emotions.
62. “I marvel as the day offers greater fulfillment of potential in every area of my life.
63. “Simple prayers of ‘Thy will be done’ and ‘Thank you, God’ help me maintain my morning mood all day and night.
64. “such spiritual food I have only discovered through continuous abstinence from compulsive overeating.
65. “My greatest potential goes beyond my own life; it exists in service to others.”
66. And that last year I had put a question mark there, but now I get it!
67. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I play.
68. “…inner child…run, jump, and dance…give my inner child the unconditional love and validation it needs…open to spontaneity and allowing my creativity to flow through.
69. “I have fun while still being responsible for myself, not irresponsible and childish.
70. “I am curious and adventuresome. I am grateful for this chance to live freely.
71. “I am open to life.
72. “I am open to joy.”
73. Today’s Language of Letting Go: About a gerbil that escaped and was running through the house. For weeks. And they were lunging and couldn’t catch it. Then the grown-up gave up. “I’m all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I’m going to let it. I’m don worrying about it…”
74. Then became comfortable with own new reaction, and once didn’t chase/lunge. Gerbil stopped, looked at her, she started to lunge, and it ran.
75. “’Fine,’I said, ‘Do what you want.’ And I meant it. One hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently pickedit up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever since. The moral of the story? Don’t lunge at the gerbil. He’s already frightened, and chasing him jut scares him more and makes us crazy. Detachment works.” Hmmmmm.
76. People who make it home from wars, intact physically and emotionally.
77. Water
78. My legs
79. My car
80. My eyesight!
81. My hearing
82. My piano-ability
83. My voice
84. My breath
85. My stove
86. My new microwave that will come.
87. Dr. coming today
88. My oak tree leaves, golden, blowing right now. Pretty.
89. That MA pointed out the sky the evening before last. And I looked.
90. Hope.
91. People who read this.
92. That it might even help someone.
93. Meditating with the kids.
94. Centers today. Good.
95. That the next book we’re reading shouldn’t be a painful one.
96. Time
97. That Ja seemed so happy with our gift, even before she’d opened it all!
98. I go to M’s tomorrow after work.
99. And then maybe meeting.
100. My mother.
CoDA Work This Morning
I'll say what I'm supposed to, and kind of mean it today.
Thank you God, for this day.
I woke up and I feel:
Overwhelmed, Regretful, Unhappy, Sad, Rotten, Frightened, Lonely, Ill, Depressed, Envious, disturbed, Encumbered, Inept, Stuck, Disturbed, Encumbered, Inept, Stuck, Rejected, Numb, Bothered, Neglected, Hindered, Dreadful, Vulnerable, Unloved, Entangled, Jilted, Betrayed, Dejected, Blue, Ridiculous, Bewildered
AND
Defeated, Willing, Powerless,
AND
Grateful, Sacred, Blessed
I think it is because:
I can't help what I feel. I miss J. I don't have the energy to fight this all yet. I wake up with a pit in my stomach and NO desire to go through the day. Every day I want to stay home and lie down, but I don't want to do that to the kids plus the adults will be mad at me and mainly I'm afraid of how depressed I'd be at home all day anyway. I have funky dreams. I come home from work depressed.
I do what I can. I shower and look as good as I can, I smile throughout the work day and am cheerful and kind to all, work hard, socialize...I do good deeds for others, I make the classroom as fun as possible for us all, I meditate now, I read, I practice piano almost every day, I see friends, I talk on the phone and laugh with friends, I even eat well now. I put lights on in the house, I try to notice the sky, the trees, the birds (there are still some around even though it's end Nov.), the childrens' smiles. I go to meetings, usually 2 a week. I keep my mind busy learning new things. I read positive things. I do Affirmations. I try to not put negatives into my head - like I refuse to listen to all the hateful stuff about teachers and all we might lose...unless the union tells me there is something I should do, I just don't listen - same with horrible news stories. I pray. I huggle doggie and walk her when she's here. I talk to my sponsor every day. I read the daily meditations and some Big Book.
Sponsor says this just takes a lot of time. I don't know what dr. will say. He comes today.
But I cannot - I am not able to - get over the J. stuff. I am not able at this time. First of all, I feel like there is still a tiny degree of hope. Secondly, when it feels like there might not be, it overwhelms me. And work is so hard. We are all feeling it. The demands are beyond what one person can do, and getting harder all the time. Literally. Even administration admits it. So it's overwhelming. There is no energy left when I get home. None. Not even for J if he were interested. *That's* telling.
I don't know what else to do.
And yesterday's book group disappointed me a lot. I felt bad about the "mean girl" people, making fun of those of us who got something out of the book My Stroke of Insight. And of the pretense of voting on the next book, when I was sitting where I could see and here that it was all planned and the "leader" was prodding the others when to say what...and make it happen.
I had hoped this would be a good-for-us-all talk. but some people have no capacity/desire to grow. So shallow. And it's not that they're happy, or I would say Wow, let me learn from them. So that disappointed me. No biggy in the longrun; I just think it added to my feelings.
The Defeated, willing, powerless stuff is about food. I know I can't do it alone. And I ask for God's help and get through one day. Sometimes perfectly sometimes not, but always better than before, even recently.
And I *am* still grateful. Because I know the problems I could have and don't. Like schizophrenia, dread physical diseases, amputations, violent crimes against me, ... Many things I wont' even mention, that would make me wish for these problems back.
But somehow the gratitude and the misery co-exist. I don't understand it but they do. Sponsor understands it as was through the same thing. That helps some as sponsor has gotten past it and lives a good life now.
God help me, I swear I am trying.
God help me, I believe you will.
God help me, I know you can.
Thank you God, for this day.
I woke up and I feel:
Overwhelmed, Regretful, Unhappy, Sad, Rotten, Frightened, Lonely, Ill, Depressed, Envious, disturbed, Encumbered, Inept, Stuck, Disturbed, Encumbered, Inept, Stuck, Rejected, Numb, Bothered, Neglected, Hindered, Dreadful, Vulnerable, Unloved, Entangled, Jilted, Betrayed, Dejected, Blue, Ridiculous, Bewildered
AND
Defeated, Willing, Powerless,
AND
Grateful, Sacred, Blessed
I think it is because:
I can't help what I feel. I miss J. I don't have the energy to fight this all yet. I wake up with a pit in my stomach and NO desire to go through the day. Every day I want to stay home and lie down, but I don't want to do that to the kids plus the adults will be mad at me and mainly I'm afraid of how depressed I'd be at home all day anyway. I have funky dreams. I come home from work depressed.
I do what I can. I shower and look as good as I can, I smile throughout the work day and am cheerful and kind to all, work hard, socialize...I do good deeds for others, I make the classroom as fun as possible for us all, I meditate now, I read, I practice piano almost every day, I see friends, I talk on the phone and laugh with friends, I even eat well now. I put lights on in the house, I try to notice the sky, the trees, the birds (there are still some around even though it's end Nov.), the childrens' smiles. I go to meetings, usually 2 a week. I keep my mind busy learning new things. I read positive things. I do Affirmations. I try to not put negatives into my head - like I refuse to listen to all the hateful stuff about teachers and all we might lose...unless the union tells me there is something I should do, I just don't listen - same with horrible news stories. I pray. I huggle doggie and walk her when she's here. I talk to my sponsor every day. I read the daily meditations and some Big Book.
Sponsor says this just takes a lot of time. I don't know what dr. will say. He comes today.
But I cannot - I am not able to - get over the J. stuff. I am not able at this time. First of all, I feel like there is still a tiny degree of hope. Secondly, when it feels like there might not be, it overwhelms me. And work is so hard. We are all feeling it. The demands are beyond what one person can do, and getting harder all the time. Literally. Even administration admits it. So it's overwhelming. There is no energy left when I get home. None. Not even for J if he were interested. *That's* telling.
I don't know what else to do.
And yesterday's book group disappointed me a lot. I felt bad about the "mean girl" people, making fun of those of us who got something out of the book My Stroke of Insight. And of the pretense of voting on the next book, when I was sitting where I could see and here that it was all planned and the "leader" was prodding the others when to say what...and make it happen.
I had hoped this would be a good-for-us-all talk. but some people have no capacity/desire to grow. So shallow. And it's not that they're happy, or I would say Wow, let me learn from them. So that disappointed me. No biggy in the longrun; I just think it added to my feelings.
The Defeated, willing, powerless stuff is about food. I know I can't do it alone. And I ask for God's help and get through one day. Sometimes perfectly sometimes not, but always better than before, even recently.
And I *am* still grateful. Because I know the problems I could have and don't. Like schizophrenia, dread physical diseases, amputations, violent crimes against me, ... Many things I wont' even mention, that would make me wish for these problems back.
But somehow the gratitude and the misery co-exist. I don't understand it but they do. Sponsor understands it as was through the same thing. That helps some as sponsor has gotten past it and lives a good life now.
God help me, I swear I am trying.
God help me, I believe you will.
God help me, I know you can.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Affirmations
I know I make a difference and I try my best to help others.
I know my worth. I deserve success and I get it.
Life is beautiful. Life is fulfilling. I love life.
I have the power to achieve any goal I desire.
I accomplish everything I set out to do.
Everything is working out for me now.
All resistance to taking the appropriate goal-achieving actions has vanished.
I let go of all pessimism and doubt that I will achieve my goals.
All blocks to setting and achieving my goals have dissolved now.
On the soul level, I release all fear of failure.
God made me.
I am whole.
I am happy.
Life is good.
Life is beautiful.
The universe provides all I need and could ever want.
I know my worth. I deserve success and I get it.
Life is beautiful. Life is fulfilling. I love life.
I have the power to achieve any goal I desire.
I accomplish everything I set out to do.
Everything is working out for me now.
All resistance to taking the appropriate goal-achieving actions has vanished.
I let go of all pessimism and doubt that I will achieve my goals.
All blocks to setting and achieving my goals have dissolved now.
On the soul level, I release all fear of failure.
God made me.
I am whole.
I am happy.
Life is good.
Life is beautiful.
The universe provides all I need and could ever want.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. That I haven’t killed myself.
2. That I shower or bathe daily.
3. That I can see.
4. That I did the breathing game with the kids yesterday.
5. That they had such a great morning.
6. That principal walked in while doing breathing game and joined for a couple of minutes.
7. Working with M’s class
8. Working with a friend (M)
9. My sponsor yesterday
10. That I am free
11. Freedom of religion
12. Freedom of speech
13. Freedom of place – like live wherever, not prison or …
14. My conscience
15. Eyedrops
16. Refresh eyedrops too
17. That MA and I bought the stuff to make a nice care-basket for Ja, who’s scared of her upcoming heart surgery
18. That I will put it together and give it to her today.
19. That I don’t feel even worse.
20. Today’s For Today: …”Human history shows that, individually and collectively, those who are overly impressed with their knowledge may have closed their minds to anything new.
21. “The assumptions of knowledge is incompatible with humility, which is the state of being teachable.
22. ‘We know only a little,’ states the Big Book; and ‘more will be revealed to us.’
23. “In this program, it is suggested that we put aside our knowledge and keep an open mind.”
24. And I’m sure, in CoDA too.
25. “For today: I may know what I think I know, but I can put it aside for what I have yet to learn.”
26. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “…immature love tries to possess and control.” Overeaters Anonymous p. 245
27. “How many times have I become a controlling person?
28. “My life revolved around demanding that everyone do things my way
29. “and becoming obsessed with the ‘right’ way.
30. “Then when that didn’t work, I would become so submissive…”
31. “I was led into many intolerable events just to please someone else.
32. “This program of recovery helps me to discover myself.” Please.
33. “As I have learned my own real needs, I have been able to enter into true, sharing relationships.” Oh may it be true.
34. “By developing a mature love with my Higher Power and becoming a friend to myself, I can distinguish the boundaries between my will and God’s will.” Really? Is that possible? I hope so.
35. “Now choices are more blended into the question of ‘How important is it to my recovery?’” I guess that makes sense.
36. “The action of the program principles keeps me focused one what is vital for each moment.”
37. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I take care of myself.
38. “I stand up for myself.
39. “I speak my truth.
40. “Saying ‘no’ allows me greater freedom to say ‘yes’ to what is important to me.
41. “I do what I say I will do.
42. “I set appropriate boundaries.
43. “I follow through.
44. “I accept responsibility for myself and meet my intrinsic needs.
45. “I am committed to my program
46. “and myself.”
47. That I’m still trying. Miserable, terrified, but still trying.
48. Today’s Language of Letting Go:
49. “The Twelfth Step says that having hsad a spiritual awakening, we try to carry this message to others.
50. “Our message is one of hope, love, comfort, health –
51. “a better way of life,
52. “one that works.
53. “How do we carry it? Not by rescuing.
54. “Not by controlling.
55. “not by obsessing.
56. “Not by becoming evangelists for the recovery cause.
57. “we carry the message in many small, subtle, but powerful ways.
58. “We do our own recovery work and become a living demonstration of hope,
59. “self-love,
60. “comfort,
61. “and health.
62. “These quiet behaviors can be a powerful message.
63. “inviting (not ordering or demanding) someone to go to a meeting is a powerful way to carry the message.
64. “Going to our meetings and sharing how recovery works for us is a powerful way to carry the message.
65. “Being who we are and allowing our Higher Power to guide our actions are powerful ways to carry the message.
66. “often, we find ourselves carrying the message more effectively than we do when we set out to reform, convince, or coerce someone into recovery.
67. “Caretaking and controlling are not ways to carry the message. All those behaviors carry is codependency.
68. “Still, the most powerful form of helping others comes down to helping ourselves.
69. “When we do our own work and are honest and open about it, we impact others more than by our most well-intentioned ‘helping’ gesture.
70. “We cannot change others,
71. “but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world.
72. “Today, I will strive to carry the message in ways that work.
73. “I will let go of my need to ‘help’ people.
74. “instead, I will concentrate on helping and changing myself.
75. “If an opportunity comes up to share my recovery with someone, I will do so quietly.
76. “God, help me show others comfort, empowerment, and hope.
77. “I can be a channel to help others when I am ready.
78. “I do not have to force this; it will happen naturally.”
79. Thank God when I’m busy working on something, it keeps me a little sane.
80. I feel good about looking forward to doing the stuff for Ja. Today.
81. I’ll get to call my sponsor in a few minutes.
82. My mother is still alive and well in the day.
83. Hope.
84. Affirmations
85. Some people read this.
86. Maybe it will help someone.
87. Water
88. Food
89. Vegetables
90. Eating better still
91. Ji and all that he did for me, years ago.
92. Breathing
93. Not coughing anymore.
94. The happy morning * I* gave the kids yesterday.
95. My lower arms are pretty.
96. That I learned to type in high school. The only “business” course I took.
97. That the kids are starting to get the math.
98. Kisses. All the kissed I’ve had with J.
99. My teeth. That I have them.
100. My tongue. That it is healthy.
1. That I haven’t killed myself.
2. That I shower or bathe daily.
3. That I can see.
4. That I did the breathing game with the kids yesterday.
5. That they had such a great morning.
6. That principal walked in while doing breathing game and joined for a couple of minutes.
7. Working with M’s class
8. Working with a friend (M)
9. My sponsor yesterday
10. That I am free
11. Freedom of religion
12. Freedom of speech
13. Freedom of place – like live wherever, not prison or …
14. My conscience
15. Eyedrops
16. Refresh eyedrops too
17. That MA and I bought the stuff to make a nice care-basket for Ja, who’s scared of her upcoming heart surgery
18. That I will put it together and give it to her today.
19. That I don’t feel even worse.
20. Today’s For Today: …”Human history shows that, individually and collectively, those who are overly impressed with their knowledge may have closed their minds to anything new.
21. “The assumptions of knowledge is incompatible with humility, which is the state of being teachable.
22. ‘We know only a little,’ states the Big Book; and ‘more will be revealed to us.’
23. “In this program, it is suggested that we put aside our knowledge and keep an open mind.”
24. And I’m sure, in CoDA too.
25. “For today: I may know what I think I know, but I can put it aside for what I have yet to learn.”
26. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “…immature love tries to possess and control.” Overeaters Anonymous p. 245
27. “How many times have I become a controlling person?
28. “My life revolved around demanding that everyone do things my way
29. “and becoming obsessed with the ‘right’ way.
30. “Then when that didn’t work, I would become so submissive…”
31. “I was led into many intolerable events just to please someone else.
32. “This program of recovery helps me to discover myself.” Please.
33. “As I have learned my own real needs, I have been able to enter into true, sharing relationships.” Oh may it be true.
34. “By developing a mature love with my Higher Power and becoming a friend to myself, I can distinguish the boundaries between my will and God’s will.” Really? Is that possible? I hope so.
35. “Now choices are more blended into the question of ‘How important is it to my recovery?’” I guess that makes sense.
36. “The action of the program principles keeps me focused one what is vital for each moment.”
37. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I take care of myself.
38. “I stand up for myself.
39. “I speak my truth.
40. “Saying ‘no’ allows me greater freedom to say ‘yes’ to what is important to me.
41. “I do what I say I will do.
42. “I set appropriate boundaries.
43. “I follow through.
44. “I accept responsibility for myself and meet my intrinsic needs.
45. “I am committed to my program
46. “and myself.”
47. That I’m still trying. Miserable, terrified, but still trying.
48. Today’s Language of Letting Go:
49. “The Twelfth Step says that having hsad a spiritual awakening, we try to carry this message to others.
50. “Our message is one of hope, love, comfort, health –
51. “a better way of life,
52. “one that works.
53. “How do we carry it? Not by rescuing.
54. “Not by controlling.
55. “not by obsessing.
56. “Not by becoming evangelists for the recovery cause.
57. “we carry the message in many small, subtle, but powerful ways.
58. “We do our own recovery work and become a living demonstration of hope,
59. “self-love,
60. “comfort,
61. “and health.
62. “These quiet behaviors can be a powerful message.
63. “inviting (not ordering or demanding) someone to go to a meeting is a powerful way to carry the message.
64. “Going to our meetings and sharing how recovery works for us is a powerful way to carry the message.
65. “Being who we are and allowing our Higher Power to guide our actions are powerful ways to carry the message.
66. “often, we find ourselves carrying the message more effectively than we do when we set out to reform, convince, or coerce someone into recovery.
67. “Caretaking and controlling are not ways to carry the message. All those behaviors carry is codependency.
68. “Still, the most powerful form of helping others comes down to helping ourselves.
69. “When we do our own work and are honest and open about it, we impact others more than by our most well-intentioned ‘helping’ gesture.
70. “We cannot change others,
71. “but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world.
72. “Today, I will strive to carry the message in ways that work.
73. “I will let go of my need to ‘help’ people.
74. “instead, I will concentrate on helping and changing myself.
75. “If an opportunity comes up to share my recovery with someone, I will do so quietly.
76. “God, help me show others comfort, empowerment, and hope.
77. “I can be a channel to help others when I am ready.
78. “I do not have to force this; it will happen naturally.”
79. Thank God when I’m busy working on something, it keeps me a little sane.
80. I feel good about looking forward to doing the stuff for Ja. Today.
81. I’ll get to call my sponsor in a few minutes.
82. My mother is still alive and well in the day.
83. Hope.
84. Affirmations
85. Some people read this.
86. Maybe it will help someone.
87. Water
88. Food
89. Vegetables
90. Eating better still
91. Ji and all that he did for me, years ago.
92. Breathing
93. Not coughing anymore.
94. The happy morning * I* gave the kids yesterday.
95. My lower arms are pretty.
96. That I learned to type in high school. The only “business” course I took.
97. That the kids are starting to get the math.
98. Kisses. All the kissed I’ve had with J.
99. My teeth. That I have them.
100. My tongue. That it is healthy.
Dear God
Dear God,
I'm up to number 36 on my gratitudes list this morning. But I had to stop and come here and pray to you.
I am *SO * scared, God.
Something is wrong with me.
Maybe I'm just a genetic mistake.
Or maybe my upbringing.
I am hot and breathless with fear and misery.
Yet I have so much to be grateful for.
But, with really only seeing from one eye, and having glaucoma in both, maybe the poke in the good eye I did last night and the pain from it this morning is terrifying me.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Should I just be at the opthamologists? Or should I be going into work. I don't even know. I WANT to go into work. I CAN see... But god help me, may it not be a dreadful mistake!
Oh how I wish J. were here to help me. And so we'd have fun. And so I could love him. And so I'd get hugged. And we'd laugh. And he'd take me to the doctor. And I'd cook for him. And all the zillion things.
God, I can barely breathe.
I am so scared. Please help me.
I know there are people with leprosy, people in prisons, people who have accidentally killed someone with their car, people whose whole families are sick - like that family where I work, people who have been in concentration camps, people who are starving, dying of thirst, and on and on.
I am so lucky.
Yet I suffer and am miserable.
Please help me, God.
What is wrong with me?
Please! Help me!
Amen.
I will go back to gratitudes now.
I'm up to number 36 on my gratitudes list this morning. But I had to stop and come here and pray to you.
I am *SO * scared, God.
Something is wrong with me.
Maybe I'm just a genetic mistake.
Or maybe my upbringing.
I am hot and breathless with fear and misery.
Yet I have so much to be grateful for.
But, with really only seeing from one eye, and having glaucoma in both, maybe the poke in the good eye I did last night and the pain from it this morning is terrifying me.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Should I just be at the opthamologists? Or should I be going into work. I don't even know. I WANT to go into work. I CAN see... But god help me, may it not be a dreadful mistake!
Oh how I wish J. were here to help me. And so we'd have fun. And so I could love him. And so I'd get hugged. And we'd laugh. And he'd take me to the doctor. And I'd cook for him. And all the zillion things.
God, I can barely breathe.
I am so scared. Please help me.
I know there are people with leprosy, people in prisons, people who have accidentally killed someone with their car, people whose whole families are sick - like that family where I work, people who have been in concentration camps, people who are starving, dying of thirst, and on and on.
I am so lucky.
Yet I suffer and am miserable.
Please help me, God.
What is wrong with me?
Please! Help me!
Amen.
I will go back to gratitudes now.
CoDA
I'll say what I'm supposed to:
Thank you God, for the is day.
I woke up and I feel:
Overwhelmed, Regretful, defective, unhappy, rotten, Frightened, Broken, lonely, Ill, Depressed, envious, disturbed, sad, isolated, Inept, DESPAIRING, desolate, encumbered, overlooked, Scared, hindered, Numb, bothered, Rejected, Vulnerable, Anxious, Dreadful, Imprisoned, neglected, disconnected, bruised
AND
Defeated, willing, powerless
And
Grateful, Sacred, blessed, healthy
I think it is because:
First stuff. J. Oh God, I'm so sorry for it all. Whether it's what I've done to be unlovable, not giving enough, taking him for granted, not seeing what HE was going through, not putting the most of my energy into my marriage, but having him be backup while my energy went elsewhere...
The defeated stuff: food. And it's good because it's keeping me honest
The last stuff because I still do have a LOT to be grateful for. And because although I feel HORRIBLE this morning, it's not as bad as yesterday morning, and that is God.
I acted out codependently:
I don't know. I don't know what I did yesterday that was codependent.
So I don't know what I'd do differently next time.
I did pray, and do some Big Book study, and read some of the inspirational book, and rested when was so tired...
Thank you God, for the is day.
I woke up and I feel:
Overwhelmed, Regretful, defective, unhappy, rotten, Frightened, Broken, lonely, Ill, Depressed, envious, disturbed, sad, isolated, Inept, DESPAIRING, desolate, encumbered, overlooked, Scared, hindered, Numb, bothered, Rejected, Vulnerable, Anxious, Dreadful, Imprisoned, neglected, disconnected, bruised
AND
Defeated, willing, powerless
And
Grateful, Sacred, blessed, healthy
I think it is because:
First stuff. J. Oh God, I'm so sorry for it all. Whether it's what I've done to be unlovable, not giving enough, taking him for granted, not seeing what HE was going through, not putting the most of my energy into my marriage, but having him be backup while my energy went elsewhere...
The defeated stuff: food. And it's good because it's keeping me honest
The last stuff because I still do have a LOT to be grateful for. And because although I feel HORRIBLE this morning, it's not as bad as yesterday morning, and that is God.
I acted out codependently:
I don't know. I don't know what I did yesterday that was codependent.
So I don't know what I'd do differently next time.
I did pray, and do some Big Book study, and read some of the inspirational book, and rested when was so tired...
Monday, November 28, 2011
Affirmations
The doors of opportunity are always open for me and I take advantage of the same without fail.
I am full of energy and hope and live my life to the fullest.
My goal itself is my motivation. I see only the goal till the time I reach it.
I know my worth. I deserve success and I get it.
Life is beautiful. Life is fulfilling. I love life.
I am full of energy and hope and live my life to the fullest.
My goal itself is my motivation. I see only the goal till the time I reach it.
I know my worth. I deserve success and I get it.
Life is beautiful. Life is fulfilling. I love life.
Journal
I'm so sad. I'm so sad I'm so sad.
How far down can I go?
Will I have a nervous breakdown?
I don't know what to do.
How far down can I go?
Will I have a nervous breakdown?
I don't know what to do.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. I am alive.
2. They say where there is life there’s hope.
3. OA yesterday
4. CoDA yesterday
5. Although I feel so horrible today, I wasn’t quite as bad last night.
6. This exhaustion can serve as a reminder of how important getting enough sleep is – and has always been – to me.
7. Hope.
8. Program
9. God.
10. Br, the new member in our CoDA group.
11. Today’s For Today: “Hope is the risk that must be run.” Georges Bernanos
12. “Have I tried and failed?” Yup.
13. “Try again.” True.
14. “The Big book says, ‘If you have decided you want what we have and are wiling to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to take certain steps.’
15. “Going to ny length means taking twelve specific steps,
16. “one day at a time,
17. “and never being finished.” Okay.
18. “In the process, sanity will be restored” Oh please be true!
19. “and abstinence will become a reality.”
20. “Hope and willingness are the springboards to recovery.” Well I have those. But I want more than physical recovery. I want the sanity! From both programs. Well, they do promise…
21. “the hope of being healed of my illness is a risk I’m willing to run today and every day.” Yes.
22. “For today: I have hope, or I wouldn’t be in OA. Do I have the willingness to take that leap into the steps: into abstinence?” Yes. But please God, give me the sanity. The okayness.
23. Today’s Voices of Recovery: …”If I am too busy to pray, I’m busier than God intended me to be.
24. “When fear enters in, I remind myself that God did not give me the spirit of fear.
25. “In my quiet time I hear, ‘Fear not!’
26. “In the quietness of my mind, God gives me courage and peace.” May that please be true, because I’m so afraid of the quiet of my mind.
27. Maybe today I’ll meditate with the kids for a few minutes.
28. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I take calculated risks.” Whatever that means. Let’s see. I mean it makes sense enough that I am grateful for the sentence. Let’s look ahead.
29. It goes on to say, “In my past, I was afraid to take risks.
30. …”I now realize that playing it safe has greatly limited my choices in life.” Yes. So true.
31. “Goind from one extreme to another is not the solution.” True.
32. “I take the middle path. I don’t have to be foolhardy and dive into a pool without first checking to see if it contains water. I take small steps, small risks, and learn what works for me now.
33. “When I spend time thinking aobut the pros and cons of a problem, I am able to determine what solution is best for me and then act on it.”
34. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Go back to the Steps. Go back to a Step.
35. “When we don’t know what to do next, when we feel confused, upset, distraught, at the end of our rope, overwhelmed, full of self-will, rage, or despair, go back to the Steps.
36. “No matter what situation we are facing, working a Step will help. Focus on one, trust your instincts, and work it.
37. “What does it mean to work a Step? Think about it. Meditate on it. Instead of focusing on the confusion, the problems, or the situation causing our despair or rage, focus on the Step.
38. “Think about how that Step might apply.
39. “Hold onto to it.
40. “Hang on as tightly as we hang on to our confusion or the problem.” This is good. Helpful even.
41. “The Steps are a solution.
42. “They work.
43. “We can trust them to work.
44. “We can trust where the Steps will lead us.
45. “When we don’t know what step to take next, take one of the Twelve.
46. “Today, I will concentrate on using the Twelve Steps to solve problems and keep me in balance and harmony.
47. “I will work a Step to the best of my ability.
48. “I will learn to trust the Steps, and rely on them instead of on my protective, codependent behaviors.”
49. This sounds good. For today, since I feel as if I’m about to have a nervous breakdown or something, maybe I can’t quite work on step 8. But I can do/remember/workon the shortcut of the first three: I can’t; God can; let God. Yes. That’s what I’ll do.
50. Bic Wide Body pens. They are easier for my neck and hands.
51. My talk with K last night and how we’re doing more book stuff at the meetings (CoDA) like step, she’s now open to tradition, and we’re looking into big book.
52. My eyelashes. I don’t think I’ve ever thought of that before. But they help keep foreign objects from getting in my eyes.
53. The brilliant design of the human body altogether.
54. Spelling and other safe, easy-ish, fun, simple, comforting things my kids might get to do today. For me.
55. I am grateful that I can see.
56. I am grateful that I am eating better.
57. I am grateful that I have the furnace and heat now.
58. I am grateful that I have clothes for work.
59. And that they are clean.
60. And that garbage pick-up comes tomorrow.
61. And that, being *so * tired, I *can * come home and lie down today.
62. And that my dr. will come this Wed.
63. And that maybe J. will change his mind.
64. And that although I feel like death right now, in some little ways I have been becoming stronger.
65. Sleep when I get it.
66. That I *can * sleep.
67. Sofas
68. Nails. Finger and toes. They’re protective.
69. Bras
70. Spinach
71. Carrots
72. Hummus
73. That I’m free, as in, never been in jail or prison or war or anything like that.
74. Stores.
75. Small business Saturday.
76. Cyber-shopping Monday. I won’t use it, I’m sure, but I’m glad it exists.
77. J. helping with the microwave.
78. Need more gratitudes. Need more graitudes. Um. A working tv.
79. That I’m not overly materialistic (like I don’t need multiple tv’s, or flat-screen tv’s…)
80. Good friends.
81. Support when I ‘m desperate.
82. Laughter.
83. My hands and all they can do, including this typing.
84. Healthy food for today.
85. Voice. I remember when I couldn’t speak for the better part of 8 months.
86. Maybe God will help me.
87. People who pray for me.
88. That I pray for others.
89. Lovely airplane flights I’ve taken. Long ago.
90. That before, when J. didn’t think he wanted to be with me, he changed his mind. And I was so surprised that day I found out. And it lasted for decades.
91. Maybe that will happen again.
92. That, despite my depression, and I don’t understand why, but K and O and others find me “delightful” to be around.
93. I have to get to a hundred. I have to. Okay. Elephants
94. Monkeys
95. Koko the gorilla.
96. A car that works.
97. Buddha
98. Thich Naht Hahn
99. The little bit of zen training I’ve gotten
100. When J and I used to take tai chi together.
1. I am alive.
2. They say where there is life there’s hope.
3. OA yesterday
4. CoDA yesterday
5. Although I feel so horrible today, I wasn’t quite as bad last night.
6. This exhaustion can serve as a reminder of how important getting enough sleep is – and has always been – to me.
7. Hope.
8. Program
9. God.
10. Br, the new member in our CoDA group.
11. Today’s For Today: “Hope is the risk that must be run.” Georges Bernanos
12. “Have I tried and failed?” Yup.
13. “Try again.” True.
14. “The Big book says, ‘If you have decided you want what we have and are wiling to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to take certain steps.’
15. “Going to ny length means taking twelve specific steps,
16. “one day at a time,
17. “and never being finished.” Okay.
18. “In the process, sanity will be restored” Oh please be true!
19. “and abstinence will become a reality.”
20. “Hope and willingness are the springboards to recovery.” Well I have those. But I want more than physical recovery. I want the sanity! From both programs. Well, they do promise…
21. “the hope of being healed of my illness is a risk I’m willing to run today and every day.” Yes.
22. “For today: I have hope, or I wouldn’t be in OA. Do I have the willingness to take that leap into the steps: into abstinence?” Yes. But please God, give me the sanity. The okayness.
23. Today’s Voices of Recovery: …”If I am too busy to pray, I’m busier than God intended me to be.
24. “When fear enters in, I remind myself that God did not give me the spirit of fear.
25. “In my quiet time I hear, ‘Fear not!’
26. “In the quietness of my mind, God gives me courage and peace.” May that please be true, because I’m so afraid of the quiet of my mind.
27. Maybe today I’ll meditate with the kids for a few minutes.
28. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I take calculated risks.” Whatever that means. Let’s see. I mean it makes sense enough that I am grateful for the sentence. Let’s look ahead.
29. It goes on to say, “In my past, I was afraid to take risks.
30. …”I now realize that playing it safe has greatly limited my choices in life.” Yes. So true.
31. “Goind from one extreme to another is not the solution.” True.
32. “I take the middle path. I don’t have to be foolhardy and dive into a pool without first checking to see if it contains water. I take small steps, small risks, and learn what works for me now.
33. “When I spend time thinking aobut the pros and cons of a problem, I am able to determine what solution is best for me and then act on it.”
34. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Go back to the Steps. Go back to a Step.
35. “When we don’t know what to do next, when we feel confused, upset, distraught, at the end of our rope, overwhelmed, full of self-will, rage, or despair, go back to the Steps.
36. “No matter what situation we are facing, working a Step will help. Focus on one, trust your instincts, and work it.
37. “What does it mean to work a Step? Think about it. Meditate on it. Instead of focusing on the confusion, the problems, or the situation causing our despair or rage, focus on the Step.
38. “Think about how that Step might apply.
39. “Hold onto to it.
40. “Hang on as tightly as we hang on to our confusion or the problem.” This is good. Helpful even.
41. “The Steps are a solution.
42. “They work.
43. “We can trust them to work.
44. “We can trust where the Steps will lead us.
45. “When we don’t know what step to take next, take one of the Twelve.
46. “Today, I will concentrate on using the Twelve Steps to solve problems and keep me in balance and harmony.
47. “I will work a Step to the best of my ability.
48. “I will learn to trust the Steps, and rely on them instead of on my protective, codependent behaviors.”
49. This sounds good. For today, since I feel as if I’m about to have a nervous breakdown or something, maybe I can’t quite work on step 8. But I can do/remember/workon the shortcut of the first three: I can’t; God can; let God. Yes. That’s what I’ll do.
50. Bic Wide Body pens. They are easier for my neck and hands.
51. My talk with K last night and how we’re doing more book stuff at the meetings (CoDA) like step, she’s now open to tradition, and we’re looking into big book.
52. My eyelashes. I don’t think I’ve ever thought of that before. But they help keep foreign objects from getting in my eyes.
53. The brilliant design of the human body altogether.
54. Spelling and other safe, easy-ish, fun, simple, comforting things my kids might get to do today. For me.
55. I am grateful that I can see.
56. I am grateful that I am eating better.
57. I am grateful that I have the furnace and heat now.
58. I am grateful that I have clothes for work.
59. And that they are clean.
60. And that garbage pick-up comes tomorrow.
61. And that, being *so * tired, I *can * come home and lie down today.
62. And that my dr. will come this Wed.
63. And that maybe J. will change his mind.
64. And that although I feel like death right now, in some little ways I have been becoming stronger.
65. Sleep when I get it.
66. That I *can * sleep.
67. Sofas
68. Nails. Finger and toes. They’re protective.
69. Bras
70. Spinach
71. Carrots
72. Hummus
73. That I’m free, as in, never been in jail or prison or war or anything like that.
74. Stores.
75. Small business Saturday.
76. Cyber-shopping Monday. I won’t use it, I’m sure, but I’m glad it exists.
77. J. helping with the microwave.
78. Need more gratitudes. Need more graitudes. Um. A working tv.
79. That I’m not overly materialistic (like I don’t need multiple tv’s, or flat-screen tv’s…)
80. Good friends.
81. Support when I ‘m desperate.
82. Laughter.
83. My hands and all they can do, including this typing.
84. Healthy food for today.
85. Voice. I remember when I couldn’t speak for the better part of 8 months.
86. Maybe God will help me.
87. People who pray for me.
88. That I pray for others.
89. Lovely airplane flights I’ve taken. Long ago.
90. That before, when J. didn’t think he wanted to be with me, he changed his mind. And I was so surprised that day I found out. And it lasted for decades.
91. Maybe that will happen again.
92. That, despite my depression, and I don’t understand why, but K and O and others find me “delightful” to be around.
93. I have to get to a hundred. I have to. Okay. Elephants
94. Monkeys
95. Koko the gorilla.
96. A car that works.
97. Buddha
98. Thich Naht Hahn
99. The little bit of zen training I’ve gotten
100. When J and I used to take tai chi together.
Dear God
I'm scared, God.
More scared than grateful.
Sponsor says prayer is about telling you how I feel, not asking for and getting whatever I ask for.
I don't know.
I'm confused about it all.
But I'm so scared of how low I feel.
So so so so so scared.
How physiologically affected.
Please help me, God.
Please help me.
Amen.
More scared than grateful.
Sponsor says prayer is about telling you how I feel, not asking for and getting whatever I ask for.
I don't know.
I'm confused about it all.
But I'm so scared of how low I feel.
So so so so so scared.
How physiologically affected.
Please help me, God.
Please help me.
Amen.
CoDA
Miserable miserable miserable.
Supposed to say it so I will:
Thank you God, for this day.
I woke up and I feel:
Vulnerable, regretful, overwhelmed, frightened, regretful, lousy, fearful, unhappy, dreadful, dejected, rotten, blue, ostracized, hindered, jilted, burdened, morose, despairing, lost, depressed, lonely, disturbed, upset, deflated, angry, desolate, isolated, scared, battered, stuck, deflated, encumbered, downtrodden, scared, rejected, undervalued, shaky, imprisoned, disconnected, alone, exhausted, shaky, numb, panicky
AND
Defeated, willing, powerless
AND
Acknowledged, grateful, sacred, blessed, healthy, alive
I think it is because:
First category: The emergency-must-get-by is passing and the horrible current and possible reality sinking in.
I want my life back!
I know better now!
AND
Food: I've waved the white flag. I'm eating well now, for tofay.
AND
MA + God + CoDA last night
I acted out codependently:
Yesterday, when had to pull off the road and was crying and called J.
I'm afraid I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.
God please help me.
Anyway,
Next time I think I'll do differently:
Try prayer
Try calling anyone else.
Oh, God help me please. Before it's too late.
Supposed to say it so I will:
Thank you God, for this day.
I woke up and I feel:
Vulnerable, regretful, overwhelmed, frightened, regretful, lousy, fearful, unhappy, dreadful, dejected, rotten, blue, ostracized, hindered, jilted, burdened, morose, despairing, lost, depressed, lonely, disturbed, upset, deflated, angry, desolate, isolated, scared, battered, stuck, deflated, encumbered, downtrodden, scared, rejected, undervalued, shaky, imprisoned, disconnected, alone, exhausted, shaky, numb, panicky
AND
Defeated, willing, powerless
AND
Acknowledged, grateful, sacred, blessed, healthy, alive
I think it is because:
First category: The emergency-must-get-by is passing and the horrible current and possible reality sinking in.
I want my life back!
I know better now!
AND
Food: I've waved the white flag. I'm eating well now, for tofay.
AND
MA + God + CoDA last night
I acted out codependently:
Yesterday, when had to pull off the road and was crying and called J.
I'm afraid I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.
God please help me.
Anyway,
Next time I think I'll do differently:
Try prayer
Try calling anyone else.
Oh, God help me please. Before it's too late.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Affirmations
God made me.
God loves me.
God is here for me.
God does not abandon me.
All I have to do is believe.
God loves me.
God is here for me.
God does not abandon me.
All I have to do is believe.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. It is still the 26th. And I’m still on slow mode. But must do some gratitudes. Friend posted this on facebook: “No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are-it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.” ~Esther & Jerry Hicks
And now it’s today. Must do gratitudes. Must. Um.
2. I’m grateful that I did my morning CoDA work.
3. I’m grateful for the feeling of hope.
4. I’m grateful for the fact of hope, if there is any.
5. I’m grateful I can walk.
6. And breathe.
7. And talk.
8. And see!
9. And hear.
10. And taste
11. And smell
12. And lose weight.
13. And grow hair.
14. And drive.
15. And work (because I have to).
16. And contribute to the world
17. And practice piano.
18. And that I have friends.
19. And the oak tree out front.
20. I’m grateful I can shop.
21. And cook.
22. And did some of both this weekend.
23. I’m grateful for all the minutes I’ve had with J.
24. I’m grateful people read my blog.
25. I’m grateful for when people e-mail me.
26. I’m grateful that I ate only good foods yesterday and the day before.
27. I’m grateful for my time with Thich Nhat Hahn
28. Although I feel like my stomach is falling out of my body, I know it could be worse and I’m grateful it isn’t.
29. Today’s For Today: “People wish to be settled; only as far as they are unsettled is there any hope for them.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
30. “Unsettledness may be said to be a state of becoming
31. “Which is what we in Overeaters Anonymous are doing
32. Just as growth is a process that is never finished, so is recovery an ongoing process:
33. “I am recovering, not recovered.
34. “Being settled is never forever.
35. “I can say, ‘When this is over, I’ll be all right.’ But then something else arises, and the process begins again.
36. “That is the natural pattern of growth – one step after another.
37. “If there is no pain, what is there to work through, to learn from and to grow beyond?”
38. “For today: I rejoice that the feeling of being unsettled – having many problems to deal with, much adjusting to do – sends me to my Higher Power instead of the refrigerator.” Okay. True. And all very important too. So me. The “After this is over, I’ll be fine,” bullcrap.
39. Today’s Voices of Recovery is about getting through a holiday without overeating. Celebrations. These have never been my problem. But this part is still good: “I start my day asking the God of my understanding for help.
40. “I’ve learned to pick up the phone, and kind words receive me on the other end.
41. “They gently remind me of the pain I thought would grip me forever and of the most important thing I will do today: keep my abstinence.
42. “Gratefulness envelops me, I say a quiet thank-you, and go through my day.
43. “When I lay my head down, gratitude lulls me to sleep.” Could that be a kind of a promise?
44. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I accept where I am.”
45. Oy. Okay. That means someone else has needed to hear this too. Okay.
46. “I respect the journey that I am on.
47. “I do not compare the pace or rate of my growth to others. I am on my own path.
48. “I am exactly where I need to be.” Oh, I do SO want to believe that. But really? Okay maybe. For growth.
49. “I avoid taking other people’s inventory and instead look at myself.
50. “I focus on the lessons that I need to learn and remember that each person and situation can be my teacher, if I allow them to be.
51. “I am open to growth.”
52. I must call B. She loved N. and he died. And she is okay, years later. She gets through each day, stays abstinent,… Death is so much worse, because the person no longer has a life. And you love the person and want him to. Also because it is permanent no matter what. But on the other hand, this is worse in a way because it is a rejection, not an act of God. And because it leaves tears in between hope/no hope…and the possibility of seeing the person with someone else one day…And you can’t chalk it up to the fates, but to one’s own lacks. Shit. Anyway, I am grateful for B.
53. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “We Can Trust Ourselves.
54. “For many of us, the issue is not whether we can trust another person again; it’s whether we can trust our own judgment again.
55. ‘The last mistake I made almost cost me my sanity,’ said one recovering woman who married a sex addict. ‘I can’t afford to make another mistake like that.’ Many of us have trusted people who went on to deceive, abuse, manipulate, or otherwise exploit us because we trusted them. We may have found these people charming
56. I am now drawing a bath.
57. And have walked through the house and stretched my legs. Good.
58. And I just heard the birds outside! Oh, thank God for the birds! May I get to/continue to, hear things like that WITHOUT thinking of the destruction we’re doing…
59. I will bathe and then take my mother shopping.
60. And pick up the few things for self.
61. And then go to OA. I will.
62. And then go buy baby gifts for little B, with MA>
63. And then read with her.
64. Thank God for plans.
65. And later IF I’M UP TO IT I will cook something. But only if I want to. Because I have plenty of healthy good stuff already in fridge and freezer. Maybe just one bake. Or maybe tomorrow after work.
66. And maybe each day this week I’ll do a LITTLE about cleaning up a room, little by little, through the rooms.
67. Now, back to Lang. of Letg. Go: “We may have found these people charming, kind, decent. There may have been a small voice that said, ‘No – something’s wrong.’
68. “Or we may have been comfortable with trusting that person and shocked when we found our instincts were wrong.
69. Okay. It’s later now. I’ll have to get back to Lang. of Letg. Go later. I managed to take a nice bath.
70. The bubble bath I bought yesterday.
71. And a good price.
72. And at the supermarket.
73. And I managed to get dressed. Good enough.
74. And put a little makeup on.
75. And make my (dirty) hair look kind of cute.
76. And drive.
77. And get my mother shopping.
78. And pick up more things for myself that I didn’t get yesterday.
79. And that the next time I go, because I just yesterday found out from the manager, will be on a Tuesday - because of the reduced rates!
80. And so that will be a week from Tuesday.
81. And that I am at OA now. And 5 other people are here too. So I guess I should stop. But I’ll do a few more. I am grateful that my sponsor just brought me a jigsaw puzzle.
82. MA says she has some idea(s) for me today, how to get through (J related)
83. My own ideas about it too.
84. Maybe I can buy a microwave today or tomorrow or at least soon.
85. CoDA meeting is tonight.
86. Scared, but happy that did go to email and mention party last night.
87. And got two responses. One positive; one can’t.
88. It’s later now. It was a good meeting.
89. And I found a “perfect” toy for little B.
90. And it wasn’t a bad price.
91. And MA got something for him too.
92. And she’s quite pleased with it.
93. And we had a good visit.
94. Spoke with J about microwave after I didn’t find one. Good thing I did. He reminded me we’d moved the counter…so it’s very shallow and only fits a size one buys online.
95. Then he went on and ordered it for me.
96. And said when it comes he’ll, “come here and set it up.” I assume that’s something I’m perfectly capable of doing, but that’s nice.
97. Very rough talk yesterday, and I was literally pulled over off the road in a sort of little panic attack today. And talking to him was like a salve/balm, which is bad CoDA-wise, but frankly, I’ll take any relief I got, at this point. I am afraid of how far down I can go, after I saw what happened to me yesterday. So, grateful for the little relief.
98. Just spoke with O too. So good to hear her voice (she is away).
99. I *will * manage after all, to do my work well for the children tomorrow.
100. There is a God. There is. He will help me. He does.
1. It is still the 26th. And I’m still on slow mode. But must do some gratitudes. Friend posted this on facebook: “No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are-it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.” ~Esther & Jerry Hicks
And now it’s today. Must do gratitudes. Must. Um.
2. I’m grateful that I did my morning CoDA work.
3. I’m grateful for the feeling of hope.
4. I’m grateful for the fact of hope, if there is any.
5. I’m grateful I can walk.
6. And breathe.
7. And talk.
8. And see!
9. And hear.
10. And taste
11. And smell
12. And lose weight.
13. And grow hair.
14. And drive.
15. And work (because I have to).
16. And contribute to the world
17. And practice piano.
18. And that I have friends.
19. And the oak tree out front.
20. I’m grateful I can shop.
21. And cook.
22. And did some of both this weekend.
23. I’m grateful for all the minutes I’ve had with J.
24. I’m grateful people read my blog.
25. I’m grateful for when people e-mail me.
26. I’m grateful that I ate only good foods yesterday and the day before.
27. I’m grateful for my time with Thich Nhat Hahn
28. Although I feel like my stomach is falling out of my body, I know it could be worse and I’m grateful it isn’t.
29. Today’s For Today: “People wish to be settled; only as far as they are unsettled is there any hope for them.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
30. “Unsettledness may be said to be a state of becoming
31. “Which is what we in Overeaters Anonymous are doing
32. Just as growth is a process that is never finished, so is recovery an ongoing process:
33. “I am recovering, not recovered.
34. “Being settled is never forever.
35. “I can say, ‘When this is over, I’ll be all right.’ But then something else arises, and the process begins again.
36. “That is the natural pattern of growth – one step after another.
37. “If there is no pain, what is there to work through, to learn from and to grow beyond?”
38. “For today: I rejoice that the feeling of being unsettled – having many problems to deal with, much adjusting to do – sends me to my Higher Power instead of the refrigerator.” Okay. True. And all very important too. So me. The “After this is over, I’ll be fine,” bullcrap.
39. Today’s Voices of Recovery is about getting through a holiday without overeating. Celebrations. These have never been my problem. But this part is still good: “I start my day asking the God of my understanding for help.
40. “I’ve learned to pick up the phone, and kind words receive me on the other end.
41. “They gently remind me of the pain I thought would grip me forever and of the most important thing I will do today: keep my abstinence.
42. “Gratefulness envelops me, I say a quiet thank-you, and go through my day.
43. “When I lay my head down, gratitude lulls me to sleep.” Could that be a kind of a promise?
44. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I accept where I am.”
45. Oy. Okay. That means someone else has needed to hear this too. Okay.
46. “I respect the journey that I am on.
47. “I do not compare the pace or rate of my growth to others. I am on my own path.
48. “I am exactly where I need to be.” Oh, I do SO want to believe that. But really? Okay maybe. For growth.
49. “I avoid taking other people’s inventory and instead look at myself.
50. “I focus on the lessons that I need to learn and remember that each person and situation can be my teacher, if I allow them to be.
51. “I am open to growth.”
52. I must call B. She loved N. and he died. And she is okay, years later. She gets through each day, stays abstinent,… Death is so much worse, because the person no longer has a life. And you love the person and want him to. Also because it is permanent no matter what. But on the other hand, this is worse in a way because it is a rejection, not an act of God. And because it leaves tears in between hope/no hope…and the possibility of seeing the person with someone else one day…And you can’t chalk it up to the fates, but to one’s own lacks. Shit. Anyway, I am grateful for B.
53. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “We Can Trust Ourselves.
54. “For many of us, the issue is not whether we can trust another person again; it’s whether we can trust our own judgment again.
55. ‘The last mistake I made almost cost me my sanity,’ said one recovering woman who married a sex addict. ‘I can’t afford to make another mistake like that.’ Many of us have trusted people who went on to deceive, abuse, manipulate, or otherwise exploit us because we trusted them. We may have found these people charming
56. I am now drawing a bath.
57. And have walked through the house and stretched my legs. Good.
58. And I just heard the birds outside! Oh, thank God for the birds! May I get to/continue to, hear things like that WITHOUT thinking of the destruction we’re doing…
59. I will bathe and then take my mother shopping.
60. And pick up the few things for self.
61. And then go to OA. I will.
62. And then go buy baby gifts for little B, with MA>
63. And then read with her.
64. Thank God for plans.
65. And later IF I’M UP TO IT I will cook something. But only if I want to. Because I have plenty of healthy good stuff already in fridge and freezer. Maybe just one bake. Or maybe tomorrow after work.
66. And maybe each day this week I’ll do a LITTLE about cleaning up a room, little by little, through the rooms.
67. Now, back to Lang. of Letg. Go: “We may have found these people charming, kind, decent. There may have been a small voice that said, ‘No – something’s wrong.’
68. “Or we may have been comfortable with trusting that person and shocked when we found our instincts were wrong.
69. Okay. It’s later now. I’ll have to get back to Lang. of Letg. Go later. I managed to take a nice bath.
70. The bubble bath I bought yesterday.
71. And a good price.
72. And at the supermarket.
73. And I managed to get dressed. Good enough.
74. And put a little makeup on.
75. And make my (dirty) hair look kind of cute.
76. And drive.
77. And get my mother shopping.
78. And pick up more things for myself that I didn’t get yesterday.
79. And that the next time I go, because I just yesterday found out from the manager, will be on a Tuesday - because of the reduced rates!
80. And so that will be a week from Tuesday.
81. And that I am at OA now. And 5 other people are here too. So I guess I should stop. But I’ll do a few more. I am grateful that my sponsor just brought me a jigsaw puzzle.
82. MA says she has some idea(s) for me today, how to get through (J related)
83. My own ideas about it too.
84. Maybe I can buy a microwave today or tomorrow or at least soon.
85. CoDA meeting is tonight.
86. Scared, but happy that did go to email and mention party last night.
87. And got two responses. One positive; one can’t.
88. It’s later now. It was a good meeting.
89. And I found a “perfect” toy for little B.
90. And it wasn’t a bad price.
91. And MA got something for him too.
92. And she’s quite pleased with it.
93. And we had a good visit.
94. Spoke with J about microwave after I didn’t find one. Good thing I did. He reminded me we’d moved the counter…so it’s very shallow and only fits a size one buys online.
95. Then he went on and ordered it for me.
96. And said when it comes he’ll, “come here and set it up.” I assume that’s something I’m perfectly capable of doing, but that’s nice.
97. Very rough talk yesterday, and I was literally pulled over off the road in a sort of little panic attack today. And talking to him was like a salve/balm, which is bad CoDA-wise, but frankly, I’ll take any relief I got, at this point. I am afraid of how far down I can go, after I saw what happened to me yesterday. So, grateful for the little relief.
98. Just spoke with O too. So good to hear her voice (she is away).
99. I *will * manage after all, to do my work well for the children tomorrow.
100. There is a God. There is. He will help me. He does.
2 days, as of Nov 27
For 2 days I have eaten only really good foods.
Cooking and portioning has helped.
I am grateful for the 2 days.
Cooking and portioning has helped.
I am grateful for the 2 days.
Journal
I'm ok in this moment.
I'm ok in this moment.
I'm ok in this moment.
I'm ok in this moment.
I'm ok in this moment.
Stopped in the middle of CoDA Morning Work to say this. It is true.
Sitting on sofa with funny tv, and fresh coffee I made, and breathing, I am ok in this moment.
Now back to CoDA work.
I'm ok in this moment.
I'm ok in this moment.
I'm ok in this moment.
I'm ok in this moment.
Stopped in the middle of CoDA Morning Work to say this. It is true.
Sitting on sofa with funny tv, and fresh coffee I made, and breathing, I am ok in this moment.
Now back to CoDA work.
CoDA Morning Work Today
Wow.
Okay. I'm supposed to say it so I will:
Thank you, God, for this day.
I woke up (made coffee, practiced a line of piano, put tv on, am drinking coffee) and I feel:
Vulnerable, regretful, unhappy, neglected, lonely, disturbed, desolate, ridiculous, rejected, shaky, rotten, betrayed, upset, isolated, downtrodden, undervalued, scared, bruised, unloved, defective, imprisoned, inept, intimidated, frustrated, wounded, dejected, brittle, disconnected, and needy
AND
Defeated, willing, powerless
AND
Grateful, sacred, blessed, healthy
It is because (why don't I want to say "I think it is because?"):
First four lines:
What J. said yesterday about telling my mother.
Sometimes it seems it's not sure at all. And then it seems he is.
Maybe he's ambivalent. Or maybe he's sure but trying to not be cruel to me.
I called back, crying and I was so so miserable. And he never called back. I went to sleep 7 hours later. Does he not care? Is he too selfish? Does he not want to "lead me on?" who knows.
But it takes one break of the string of hope to feel like the veins are being pulled from my body. I don't know how else to describe it. That's what it feels like.
I feel like: we made a commitment. Why didn't you at least try SOMETHING and talk to me about what was going on.
I feel like: I can't do all this alone.
I feel like: I have nothing to live for.
I feel unable to change any of it, so imprisoned.
I also feel like I would feel a LOT worse this morning if I'd eaten badly last night.
So, the second portion, defeated, willing and powerless, is about food. And OA program.
And the third part is God. God and Universe and friends and my mother still alive and program and breathing. And it would be so much worse if I were seriously ill.
I acted out co-dependently:
Calling him
Next time I will do differently:
I don't know.
Maybe supposed to not call.
Or
Maybe okay that once I let him know how I felt.
I'm debating asking him to help me.
Oy I'm a mess.
Okay. I'm supposed to say it so I will:
Thank you, God, for this day.
I woke up (made coffee, practiced a line of piano, put tv on, am drinking coffee) and I feel:
Vulnerable, regretful, unhappy, neglected, lonely, disturbed, desolate, ridiculous, rejected, shaky, rotten, betrayed, upset, isolated, downtrodden, undervalued, scared, bruised, unloved, defective, imprisoned, inept, intimidated, frustrated, wounded, dejected, brittle, disconnected, and needy
AND
Defeated, willing, powerless
AND
Grateful, sacred, blessed, healthy
It is because (why don't I want to say "I think it is because?"):
First four lines:
What J. said yesterday about telling my mother.
Sometimes it seems it's not sure at all. And then it seems he is.
Maybe he's ambivalent. Or maybe he's sure but trying to not be cruel to me.
I called back, crying and I was so so miserable. And he never called back. I went to sleep 7 hours later. Does he not care? Is he too selfish? Does he not want to "lead me on?" who knows.
But it takes one break of the string of hope to feel like the veins are being pulled from my body. I don't know how else to describe it. That's what it feels like.
I feel like: we made a commitment. Why didn't you at least try SOMETHING and talk to me about what was going on.
I feel like: I can't do all this alone.
I feel like: I have nothing to live for.
I feel unable to change any of it, so imprisoned.
I also feel like I would feel a LOT worse this morning if I'd eaten badly last night.
So, the second portion, defeated, willing and powerless, is about food. And OA program.
And the third part is God. God and Universe and friends and my mother still alive and program and breathing. And it would be so much worse if I were seriously ill.
I acted out co-dependently:
Calling him
Next time I will do differently:
I don't know.
Maybe supposed to not call.
Or
Maybe okay that once I let him know how I felt.
I'm debating asking him to help me.
Oy I'm a mess.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
I Am
okay in this moment.
5 hours later.
Must keep up:
Don't judge it just do it.
And don't lose hope.
Praise God.
Please keep helping me.
Amen.
5 hours later.
Must keep up:
Don't judge it just do it.
And don't lose hope.
Praise God.
Please keep helping me.
Amen.
I Have..
Called MA. Bless her heart.
I have put on a pan of my mother's pasta fagioli. That is not about J., and is good for me and is comforting to do, it turns out.
For the first ten minutes, bring it to a boil, I practiced Bach.
It is not as bad as it has been for almost 3 hours.
Now I shall go write my friends about the get-together possibility.
And watch tv.
And finish the cooking and put it away.
And play some online boggle (at wordsplay). And not give a shit how I do at it.
And search for a few more of the "musts" in the Big Book.
And accept.
And keep praying.
I have put on a pan of my mother's pasta fagioli. That is not about J., and is good for me and is comforting to do, it turns out.
For the first ten minutes, bring it to a boil, I practiced Bach.
It is not as bad as it has been for almost 3 hours.
Now I shall go write my friends about the get-together possibility.
And watch tv.
And finish the cooking and put it away.
And play some online boggle (at wordsplay). And not give a shit how I do at it.
And search for a few more of the "musts" in the Big Book.
And accept.
And keep praying.
Notes to Self
You are suffering now.
You are not always suffering every second.
Maybe he'll realize, change, grow, and come back and you'll move on together.
Maybe one day you'll be with someone else who will really love you and be less complicated.
Maybe you won't always suffer so.
You are not always suffering every second.
Maybe he'll realize, change, grow, and come back and you'll move on together.
Maybe one day you'll be with someone else who will really love you and be less complicated.
Maybe you won't always suffer so.
On. Slow. Motion. Mode.
Still sick.
Getting much better though.
J. called. Bad sentence. Plus.
Falling apart.
Such power.
Crying.
Had to take panic pill and valium.
Now on slow mode.
God help me.
Must find a way.
Going to do some program work now.
And have phone and numbers right here.
If you see this, please pray for me. Thank you.
Getting much better though.
J. called. Bad sentence. Plus.
Falling apart.
Such power.
Crying.
Had to take panic pill and valium.
Now on slow mode.
God help me.
Must find a way.
Going to do some program work now.
And have phone and numbers right here.
If you see this, please pray for me. Thank you.
Affirmations
I can, I can, I can. I can do it.
When my intentions are clear, the Universe cooperates with me and I can accomplish anything.
I think of only positive things and positive things happen in my life.
I am a go getter and will not stop at anything to achieve my goals.
I am always successful. Success is in my blood.
When my intentions are clear, the Universe cooperates with me and I can accomplish anything.
I think of only positive things and positive things happen in my life.
I am a go getter and will not stop at anything to achieve my goals.
I am always successful. Success is in my blood.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. Got through yesterday. Not quite as good as day before, but got through.
2. Cooked and containered the soup.
3. Cooked and containered the veggie protein bake.
4. Cooked and containered tha pasta/veggies/protein dish.
5. Make shopping list for today.
6. Ate well yesterday! Yay.
7. Did two loads of laundry and two of dishes. Yay.
8. Cleaned up kitchen counters
9. And stovetop a little
10. Cough going away
11. Maybe will see MA today.
12. Will at least talk with her.
13. If can’t see her, maybe can make reading date with St? Want reading date.
14. Will take little walk if weather okay.
15. Will get to take mother to bank and shopping. Will improve veggie bake – less fake meat and maybe add some cashews
16. Will make today.
17. Microwave broke : ( But – will get new one. That’s all.
18. Also gave me opportunity to heat coffee on stovetop, which is supposedly better for you than nuking it.
19. Today’s For Today: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” George Santayana
20. “The diet-and-binge syndrome experienced by many compulsive overeaters is a classic example of ‘forgetfulness.’
21. …”Thank God I am in a program that does not talk about dieting and losing weight, but rather tells me what I can do to like who I am right now.
22. “For today: To keep it fresh in my mind, I share my experience with other compulsive overeaters.”
23. I’m so grateful to have *this * sponsor. So much better for me than R or even B were.
24. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Tradition Seven seems obvious at first glance: the group will pay its own way in terms of finances and service. However, a closer look reveals a more personal aspect to Tradition Seven. This Tradition shows me how to ‘pay’ my own way in my personal life.”
25. Wow.
26. “Specifically, this means that I can’t expect others to carry my burdens, perform my responsibilities, or take credit for my failures or successes.
27. “Nor am I to do those things for others.”
28. And it says, “What a freeing idea this has been!”
29. This piece, in an OA book, hits my co-dependent personality hard. So I’m grateful for CoDA.
30. It goes on to say: “Tradition Seven seems to parallel Step Seven. Humility is the common factor.
31. “in Step seven, we ask, in full knowledge of who we are in the sight of our Higher Power, that our shortcomings be removed:
32. “in tradition Seven, true humility motivates us to take responsibility for ourselves in our personal lives and in the Fellowship.
33. “once more I marvel at the wisdom and the intricacy of the Twelve-Step way of life.”
34. Today’s In this Moment: “In This Moment, I can.
35. “When I first came in to the CoDA program and heard, ‘Fake it ‘til you make it,’ I thought it seemed such a dishonest phrase.
36. “In recovery, I was trying to discover my true self and not be phony.
37. “In time, I realized this slogan helps me walk through my fear of change.”
38. Ooh. That’ s important for me.
39. “When my self-talk is negative and fear overwhelm me, I now focus on the positive aspects of the situation.
40. “by acting as if I’m already capable of handling things, little by little, I find that indeed I am.
41. “It’s one of the mysterious rewards I’ve received in recovery!”
42. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Look how far we’ve come!
43. “It’s good to focus on the task ahead, on what remains to be done. It’s important to stop and feel pleased about what we’ve accomplished too.
44. “Yes, it may seem that the change has been slow. At times change is grueling.” Oh good then, it’s not only me.
45. “Yes, we’ve taken steps backward. But we’re right where we’re supposed to be.” That’s comforting.
46. “We’re right where we need to be.”
47. “And we have come so far.”
48. I am thankful for the friendship of my CoDA sponsor, K.
49. And it goes on to say: “Sometimes by leaps, sometimes with tiny steps, sometimes kicking and screaming all the while, sometimes with sleeves rolled up and white knuckles,
50. “we’ve learned.
51. “Grown.
52. “Changed.
53. “Look how far we’ve come.
54. “Today, I will appreciate my progress.
55. “I will let myself feel good about what has been accomplished.”
56. All those times J and I spent the mindfulness day at the sangha. How I cherish those now. Sad. Miss. But grateful had.
57. Sharing book Koko’s Kitten with my class.
58. And with M’s class.
59. And the dvd Conversation with Koko too.
60. This day of life.
61. I just had breakfast. Because I’d put a bit too much bulgur into the stewp, I thinned it out a bit. 1 cup soup + ½ cup water, and because microwave broke yesterday, I heated it on the stovetop. A little hot and spicy, a little Caribbean and mellow and smooth, a delicious, satisfying, healthy breakfast. Yay.
62. I just made my shopping list. Good.
63. Watching reruns of The Nanny. It makes me feel cheerful.
64. Not judging myself so much for that.
65. The idea of the possible party/get-together
66. O and MA possibly needing piano tuner too, so he’ll come over the bridge for us
67. My piano
68. My Big Book
69. Hands. Hand that work and do so much.
70. Laughter.
71. Growing.
72. Water.
73. Heat. Furnace.
74. Oak tree.
75. Time to do this every day.
76. Prayers. Of mine. And of others. For selves, me, and each other.
77. Everyone who is helping our planet for us and future generations.
78. Scientists.
79. Honest people.
80. Service.
81. And my finally starting to *really * understand it.
82. Yellow. I love that cheerful color.
83. Hope to get this place in order.
84. Hope about J.
85. Hope about self.
86. God. God in my life.
87. Universal goodness and power
88. The law of attraction, may I use it better.
89. Reiki
90. Gonna buy a coat soon (or fix old one).
91. My car. I love my used car.
92. Recycling pick-up.
93. Garbage pick-up.
94. Girlfriends.
95. Kind people.
96. Generous people.
97. Fun.
98. Jigsaw puzzles.
99. Good books.
100. Magazines.
101. Beaches.
1. Got through yesterday. Not quite as good as day before, but got through.
2. Cooked and containered the soup.
3. Cooked and containered the veggie protein bake.
4. Cooked and containered tha pasta/veggies/protein dish.
5. Make shopping list for today.
6. Ate well yesterday! Yay.
7. Did two loads of laundry and two of dishes. Yay.
8. Cleaned up kitchen counters
9. And stovetop a little
10. Cough going away
11. Maybe will see MA today.
12. Will at least talk with her.
13. If can’t see her, maybe can make reading date with St? Want reading date.
14. Will take little walk if weather okay.
15. Will get to take mother to bank and shopping. Will improve veggie bake – less fake meat and maybe add some cashews
16. Will make today.
17. Microwave broke : ( But – will get new one. That’s all.
18. Also gave me opportunity to heat coffee on stovetop, which is supposedly better for you than nuking it.
19. Today’s For Today: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” George Santayana
20. “The diet-and-binge syndrome experienced by many compulsive overeaters is a classic example of ‘forgetfulness.’
21. …”Thank God I am in a program that does not talk about dieting and losing weight, but rather tells me what I can do to like who I am right now.
22. “For today: To keep it fresh in my mind, I share my experience with other compulsive overeaters.”
23. I’m so grateful to have *this * sponsor. So much better for me than R or even B were.
24. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Tradition Seven seems obvious at first glance: the group will pay its own way in terms of finances and service. However, a closer look reveals a more personal aspect to Tradition Seven. This Tradition shows me how to ‘pay’ my own way in my personal life.”
25. Wow.
26. “Specifically, this means that I can’t expect others to carry my burdens, perform my responsibilities, or take credit for my failures or successes.
27. “Nor am I to do those things for others.”
28. And it says, “What a freeing idea this has been!”
29. This piece, in an OA book, hits my co-dependent personality hard. So I’m grateful for CoDA.
30. It goes on to say: “Tradition Seven seems to parallel Step Seven. Humility is the common factor.
31. “in Step seven, we ask, in full knowledge of who we are in the sight of our Higher Power, that our shortcomings be removed:
32. “in tradition Seven, true humility motivates us to take responsibility for ourselves in our personal lives and in the Fellowship.
33. “once more I marvel at the wisdom and the intricacy of the Twelve-Step way of life.”
34. Today’s In this Moment: “In This Moment, I can.
35. “When I first came in to the CoDA program and heard, ‘Fake it ‘til you make it,’ I thought it seemed such a dishonest phrase.
36. “In recovery, I was trying to discover my true self and not be phony.
37. “In time, I realized this slogan helps me walk through my fear of change.”
38. Ooh. That’ s important for me.
39. “When my self-talk is negative and fear overwhelm me, I now focus on the positive aspects of the situation.
40. “by acting as if I’m already capable of handling things, little by little, I find that indeed I am.
41. “It’s one of the mysterious rewards I’ve received in recovery!”
42. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Look how far we’ve come!
43. “It’s good to focus on the task ahead, on what remains to be done. It’s important to stop and feel pleased about what we’ve accomplished too.
44. “Yes, it may seem that the change has been slow. At times change is grueling.” Oh good then, it’s not only me.
45. “Yes, we’ve taken steps backward. But we’re right where we’re supposed to be.” That’s comforting.
46. “We’re right where we need to be.”
47. “And we have come so far.”
48. I am thankful for the friendship of my CoDA sponsor, K.
49. And it goes on to say: “Sometimes by leaps, sometimes with tiny steps, sometimes kicking and screaming all the while, sometimes with sleeves rolled up and white knuckles,
50. “we’ve learned.
51. “Grown.
52. “Changed.
53. “Look how far we’ve come.
54. “Today, I will appreciate my progress.
55. “I will let myself feel good about what has been accomplished.”
56. All those times J and I spent the mindfulness day at the sangha. How I cherish those now. Sad. Miss. But grateful had.
57. Sharing book Koko’s Kitten with my class.
58. And with M’s class.
59. And the dvd Conversation with Koko too.
60. This day of life.
61. I just had breakfast. Because I’d put a bit too much bulgur into the stewp, I thinned it out a bit. 1 cup soup + ½ cup water, and because microwave broke yesterday, I heated it on the stovetop. A little hot and spicy, a little Caribbean and mellow and smooth, a delicious, satisfying, healthy breakfast. Yay.
62. I just made my shopping list. Good.
63. Watching reruns of The Nanny. It makes me feel cheerful.
64. Not judging myself so much for that.
65. The idea of the possible party/get-together
66. O and MA possibly needing piano tuner too, so he’ll come over the bridge for us
67. My piano
68. My Big Book
69. Hands. Hand that work and do so much.
70. Laughter.
71. Growing.
72. Water.
73. Heat. Furnace.
74. Oak tree.
75. Time to do this every day.
76. Prayers. Of mine. And of others. For selves, me, and each other.
77. Everyone who is helping our planet for us and future generations.
78. Scientists.
79. Honest people.
80. Service.
81. And my finally starting to *really * understand it.
82. Yellow. I love that cheerful color.
83. Hope to get this place in order.
84. Hope about J.
85. Hope about self.
86. God. God in my life.
87. Universal goodness and power
88. The law of attraction, may I use it better.
89. Reiki
90. Gonna buy a coat soon (or fix old one).
91. My car. I love my used car.
92. Recycling pick-up.
93. Garbage pick-up.
94. Girlfriends.
95. Kind people.
96. Generous people.
97. Fun.
98. Jigsaw puzzles.
99. Good books.
100. Magazines.
101. Beaches.
CoDA Morning Work Today
I don't feel like doing it
But I shall.
Just have to call sponsor first.
Really don't feel like doing it.
Shall because: it is the daily doing that builds up to a healthier life. And I know that. And I don't want to suffer the way I was.
Will be back and do.
--
Okay.
Thank you, God, for this day.
I feel:
Disconnected, vulnerable, sad, regretful, unhappy, neglected, lonely, estranged
AND
Defeated, willing, powerless
AND
Grateful, sacred, blessed, recharged, healthy, whole, loving
ALSO:
Vital
I think it is because:
First line: J. Miss J. So angry at self for own lacks, fatigues, etc.
Second: Food. OA.
Third: I know I am very fortunate. And having eaten so well yesterday and cooked good stuff and containered, makes me feel so much better. And my cough is disappearing. and it's a weekend and I can be active or rest.
Vital, because feel like doing something fun. Of course with J. But adventurous anyway.
I acted out codependently:
Letting self get run down and sick?
Staying in for two whole days? Maybe should have taken little short walk yesterday?
Next time I'll do differently:
Get out every day, unless really sick?
But I shall.
Just have to call sponsor first.
Really don't feel like doing it.
Shall because: it is the daily doing that builds up to a healthier life. And I know that. And I don't want to suffer the way I was.
Will be back and do.
--
Okay.
Thank you, God, for this day.
I feel:
Disconnected, vulnerable, sad, regretful, unhappy, neglected, lonely, estranged
AND
Defeated, willing, powerless
AND
Grateful, sacred, blessed, recharged, healthy, whole, loving
ALSO:
Vital
I think it is because:
First line: J. Miss J. So angry at self for own lacks, fatigues, etc.
Second: Food. OA.
Third: I know I am very fortunate. And having eaten so well yesterday and cooked good stuff and containered, makes me feel so much better. And my cough is disappearing. and it's a weekend and I can be active or rest.
Vital, because feel like doing something fun. Of course with J. But adventurous anyway.
I acted out codependently:
Letting self get run down and sick?
Staying in for two whole days? Maybe should have taken little short walk yesterday?
Next time I'll do differently:
Get out every day, unless really sick?
Friday, November 25, 2011
Caribbean Tasting Stewp
So delicious!
Very filling!
Too stewy to call a soup. But too liquidy to call a stew. Definitely will repeat this one!
Ingredients:
2 yellow onions
2 cloves garlic
Tablespoon or 2 of peanut oil
1 Knorr veggie boullion cube
Frozen spinach (2 handfuls?)
1 can and fire roasted tomatoes with green chilis
1 can chick peas
1 can white beans
1 can cut green beans
salt
pepper
garlic powder
hot pepper
oregano
thyme
about 2 T tahini
little less than 2 T Ghiardhelli unsweetened cocoa
a little cinaommon (1/2 teaspoon?)
Bulgur - optional
1 can coconut milk - optional
Directions:
Soften the onions and garlic in the peanut oil
Then remove lid and continue cooking until golden
In the meantime, half-fill soup pot with water and add the bouillion cube
Throw in the spinach
Add the can of diced tomatoes
salt
pepper
Then add the onions/garlic
And the chick peas, white beans, and cut green beans
Now add the garlic powder, hot pepper, oregano, thyme, tahini, cocoa, and cinammom
Bring to a full boil
Then lower to simmer.
Simmer, lid askew, for 1 hour and 45 minutes, stirring every 15 minutes.
Last, IF DESIRED (it's good before this too!):
Add the bulgur (two handfuls?)
And the can of coconut milk
Stir
Continue cooking on simmer with lid askew for 20 minutes.
Very filling!
Too stewy to call a soup. But too liquidy to call a stew. Definitely will repeat this one!
Ingredients:
2 yellow onions
2 cloves garlic
Tablespoon or 2 of peanut oil
1 Knorr veggie boullion cube
Frozen spinach (2 handfuls?)
1 can and fire roasted tomatoes with green chilis
1 can chick peas
1 can white beans
1 can cut green beans
salt
pepper
garlic powder
hot pepper
oregano
thyme
about 2 T tahini
little less than 2 T Ghiardhelli unsweetened cocoa
a little cinaommon (1/2 teaspoon?)
Bulgur - optional
1 can coconut milk - optional
Directions:
Soften the onions and garlic in the peanut oil
Then remove lid and continue cooking until golden
In the meantime, half-fill soup pot with water and add the bouillion cube
Throw in the spinach
Add the can of diced tomatoes
salt
pepper
Then add the onions/garlic
And the chick peas, white beans, and cut green beans
Now add the garlic powder, hot pepper, oregano, thyme, tahini, cocoa, and cinammom
Bring to a full boil
Then lower to simmer.
Simmer, lid askew, for 1 hour and 45 minutes, stirring every 15 minutes.
Last, IF DESIRED (it's good before this too!):
Add the bulgur (two handfuls?)
And the can of coconut milk
Stir
Continue cooking on simmer with lid askew for 20 minutes.
Daily Affirmations Today
I have all I need.
I am all I need, with my Higher Power.
I am competent.
I am whole.
I am full.
I am okay.
All the happiness of the universe is available and comes to me.
I am all I need, with my Higher Power.
I am competent.
I am whole.
I am full.
I am okay.
All the happiness of the universe is available and comes to me.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. I got through yesterday.
2. And wasn’t even miserable.
3. Relaxed
4. Practiced some piano
5. Did a bit of jigsaw puzzle
6. Enjoyed some tv (too much, but still)]
7. Some word puzzles/word games
8. Looked up iPad 2. Thought think won’t spend the money.
9. Started searching out the work “must” in the Big Book. And enjoyed doing that.
10. Will continue.
11. Did not pressure self
12. Had nice little chat with J when he called (although I talk too much.)
13. Have begun to look at something: Do I talk too much? Or too much for him? Is this part of who I am and I should not try to change it? Or is it nervousness and I’d rather change it…Glad to be thinking of that.
14. EJ’s lovely comment on my possible-party post.
15. My mother saw her friend yesterday and they went to their favorite place. Yay.
16. Soon I’ll get to meet M’s new puppy. Yay.
17. Possibly see MA today?
18. Will do laundry today.
19. And cook two things.
20. And straighten kitchen. And that’s all good.
21. No terrorists have gotten me.
22. I healed from that horrible year-long injury. Although I think it cost a LOT in our marriage. But at least I did heal.
23. My online spiritual community
24. My jigsaw puzzle which is nice, and pretty easy but hard enough
25. And which I will break into fourths when finished and share with the kiddies, who will love it.
26. Today’s For Today: “All who joy would win. Must share it. Happiness was born a twin.” Lord Byron
27. That goes with the first two “musts” in the Big Book. Which are both about sharing it. Giving it away. Service.
28. “From my first day of abstinence, I discovered the truth of the saying, ‘I can’t keep what I have unless I give it away.’
29. “What joy there is in telling an OA newcomer or friend or sponsor of the miracles that have come about in my life thanks to OA. I never get tired of sharing ‘what I was like, what happened and what I’m like now.’” And I want to be there someday. Soon.
30. “Even when I have something troubling me that I intend to discuss, I am aware of the gratitude in my heart and I want to express it.
31. “Remembering the joy this program has brought me is enough to lift my spirits;
32. “sharing that with someone brings the joy back to me.
33. For today: here’s a good OA pick-me-up: Call some OAs, including at least one newcomer and one person I have never called before;
34. “give them a nutshell version of why I am so thankful to be in OA,
35. “and then tell all o them how glad I am to have them as fellow members.”
36. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “We give up fear and indecision, knowing that if we are sincere our Higher Power will give us the knowledge of our best course in life,
37. “along with the willingness and ability to follow that course,
38. “even when it seems difficult and uncomfortable.” OA 12 & 12 p. 24
39. “My recovery depends on releasing fear
40. “and trusting god.
41. “Intellect and self-will demand attention if I let them.
42. “I feel incredible serenity when I turn to God instead.
43. “Decisions are made.
44. “Clarity and wisdom flow through me.
45. These things only happen as I practice Steps Three and Eleven in my life.
46. “Only then can I keep my precious abstinence.”
47. Last year I wrote on that page, “I hope its’ true.” Now, I believe that it is. I’m grateful for that belief.
48. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I detach.
“I chose to walk away from my family of origin. Not an easy choice. At first, I felt guilty and disloyal.
49. …”But as uncomfortable as I felt…I knew it was necessary. Living by my own values and integrity is the best way to protect my children and myself
50. “Detachment is a necessary and loving thing to do.”
51. And this helps me understand what J. did with his family of origin for those years.
52. And even what he’s done with me, albeit for different reasons.
53. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Awareness
54. “When we first become aware of a problem, a situation, or a feeling, we may react with anxiety or fear. There is no need to fear awareness. No need.”
55. That’s important. And it goes on to say, “Awareness is the first step toward positive change and growth. It’s the first step toward solving the problem, or getting the need met,
56. “the first step toward the future. It’s how we focus on the next lesson.
57. “Awareness is how life, the Universe, and our Higher Power get our attention and prepare us for change.
58. “The process of BECOMING CHANGED begins with awareness.
59. “Awareness, acceptance, and change – that’s the cycle.
60. “We can accept the temporary discomfort from awareness because that’s how we’re moved to a better place
61. “We can accept the temporary discomfort because we can trust God, and ourselves.
62. “today, I will be grateful for any awareness I encounter. I will display gratitude, peace, and dignity when life gets my attention.
63. “I will remember that it’s okay to accept the temporary discomfort from awareness because I can trust that it’s my Higher Power moving me forward.”
64. My Higher Power.
65. The old sitcom, “Good Times.”
66. I just put a load of laundry in.
67. I just found that I have all the ingredients I need for the Such Yummy Soup. Yay
68. And I know I have all the ingreds. for the Complete Meal Veggie Bake.
69. And for the vegan “chicken” cacciatore too.
70. I will cook today.
71. I am eating a healthy breakfast right now.
72. I will get to take my mother to the bank and shopping tomorrow.
73. And then maybe I’ll even cook some more.
74. I shall be abstinent today, with God’s help.
75. Nice talk with sponsor this morning.
76. And M. too.
77. Talking with MA right now.
78. MA says it’s beautiful out.
79. Sitcom Will & Grace
80. Gonna see MA later. First will do more laundry and cook 2 – 3 things. Good.
81. Will shower and dress nicely and fix hair and a little makeup. Good.
82. Breathing well. Good.
83. Didn’t give in to the temptation/offer to go to MA’s right now. Will do the things I must first.
84. And even enjoy.
85. That so many people looked at my blog yesterday. That made me feel so good. I hope it helped someone(s)!
86. Affirmations
87. That I’m doing the gratitudes daily.
88. That I *think * I will call J. about picking up doggie today. Okay.
89. And that would mean I *have * to walk a bit this weekend too. Okay. Good.
90. I am about to take my Claritan and vitamins.
91. That I have both.
92. That my pharmacy delivers.
93. And keeps my credit card on file there.
94. J’s envelope thing. When I was jealous, decades ago. And he gave me an envelope with pink trim. And said if I’m jealous of someone else’s life, to remember that if I were able to trade with their life, I would have to trade with their *whole * life. And you never know what *else * is inside that envelope. This memory makes me miss him very much, and wish I’d shown more appreciation consistently every day throughout the years and really learned and internalized that lesson, but it’s also still good for jealousies.
95. Too much coffee this morning. So too jittery. BUT using it to get stuff done.
96. AND maybe learned lesson about it for future.
97. The party we had with the hot cider in the crockpot.
98. And doggie’s special party bow.
99. Maybe more parties in future.
100. My new earrings.
1. I got through yesterday.
2. And wasn’t even miserable.
3. Relaxed
4. Practiced some piano
5. Did a bit of jigsaw puzzle
6. Enjoyed some tv (too much, but still)]
7. Some word puzzles/word games
8. Looked up iPad 2. Thought think won’t spend the money.
9. Started searching out the work “must” in the Big Book. And enjoyed doing that.
10. Will continue.
11. Did not pressure self
12. Had nice little chat with J when he called (although I talk too much.)
13. Have begun to look at something: Do I talk too much? Or too much for him? Is this part of who I am and I should not try to change it? Or is it nervousness and I’d rather change it…Glad to be thinking of that.
14. EJ’s lovely comment on my possible-party post.
15. My mother saw her friend yesterday and they went to their favorite place. Yay.
16. Soon I’ll get to meet M’s new puppy. Yay.
17. Possibly see MA today?
18. Will do laundry today.
19. And cook two things.
20. And straighten kitchen. And that’s all good.
21. No terrorists have gotten me.
22. I healed from that horrible year-long injury. Although I think it cost a LOT in our marriage. But at least I did heal.
23. My online spiritual community
24. My jigsaw puzzle which is nice, and pretty easy but hard enough
25. And which I will break into fourths when finished and share with the kiddies, who will love it.
26. Today’s For Today: “All who joy would win. Must share it. Happiness was born a twin.” Lord Byron
27. That goes with the first two “musts” in the Big Book. Which are both about sharing it. Giving it away. Service.
28. “From my first day of abstinence, I discovered the truth of the saying, ‘I can’t keep what I have unless I give it away.’
29. “What joy there is in telling an OA newcomer or friend or sponsor of the miracles that have come about in my life thanks to OA. I never get tired of sharing ‘what I was like, what happened and what I’m like now.’” And I want to be there someday. Soon.
30. “Even when I have something troubling me that I intend to discuss, I am aware of the gratitude in my heart and I want to express it.
31. “Remembering the joy this program has brought me is enough to lift my spirits;
32. “sharing that with someone brings the joy back to me.
33. For today: here’s a good OA pick-me-up: Call some OAs, including at least one newcomer and one person I have never called before;
34. “give them a nutshell version of why I am so thankful to be in OA,
35. “and then tell all o them how glad I am to have them as fellow members.”
36. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “We give up fear and indecision, knowing that if we are sincere our Higher Power will give us the knowledge of our best course in life,
37. “along with the willingness and ability to follow that course,
38. “even when it seems difficult and uncomfortable.” OA 12 & 12 p. 24
39. “My recovery depends on releasing fear
40. “and trusting god.
41. “Intellect and self-will demand attention if I let them.
42. “I feel incredible serenity when I turn to God instead.
43. “Decisions are made.
44. “Clarity and wisdom flow through me.
45. These things only happen as I practice Steps Three and Eleven in my life.
46. “Only then can I keep my precious abstinence.”
47. Last year I wrote on that page, “I hope its’ true.” Now, I believe that it is. I’m grateful for that belief.
48. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I detach.
“I chose to walk away from my family of origin. Not an easy choice. At first, I felt guilty and disloyal.
49. …”But as uncomfortable as I felt…I knew it was necessary. Living by my own values and integrity is the best way to protect my children and myself
50. “Detachment is a necessary and loving thing to do.”
51. And this helps me understand what J. did with his family of origin for those years.
52. And even what he’s done with me, albeit for different reasons.
53. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Awareness
54. “When we first become aware of a problem, a situation, or a feeling, we may react with anxiety or fear. There is no need to fear awareness. No need.”
55. That’s important. And it goes on to say, “Awareness is the first step toward positive change and growth. It’s the first step toward solving the problem, or getting the need met,
56. “the first step toward the future. It’s how we focus on the next lesson.
57. “Awareness is how life, the Universe, and our Higher Power get our attention and prepare us for change.
58. “The process of BECOMING CHANGED begins with awareness.
59. “Awareness, acceptance, and change – that’s the cycle.
60. “We can accept the temporary discomfort from awareness because that’s how we’re moved to a better place
61. “We can accept the temporary discomfort because we can trust God, and ourselves.
62. “today, I will be grateful for any awareness I encounter. I will display gratitude, peace, and dignity when life gets my attention.
63. “I will remember that it’s okay to accept the temporary discomfort from awareness because I can trust that it’s my Higher Power moving me forward.”
64. My Higher Power.
65. The old sitcom, “Good Times.”
66. I just put a load of laundry in.
67. I just found that I have all the ingredients I need for the Such Yummy Soup. Yay
68. And I know I have all the ingreds. for the Complete Meal Veggie Bake.
69. And for the vegan “chicken” cacciatore too.
70. I will cook today.
71. I am eating a healthy breakfast right now.
72. I will get to take my mother to the bank and shopping tomorrow.
73. And then maybe I’ll even cook some more.
74. I shall be abstinent today, with God’s help.
75. Nice talk with sponsor this morning.
76. And M. too.
77. Talking with MA right now.
78. MA says it’s beautiful out.
79. Sitcom Will & Grace
80. Gonna see MA later. First will do more laundry and cook 2 – 3 things. Good.
81. Will shower and dress nicely and fix hair and a little makeup. Good.
82. Breathing well. Good.
83. Didn’t give in to the temptation/offer to go to MA’s right now. Will do the things I must first.
84. And even enjoy.
85. That so many people looked at my blog yesterday. That made me feel so good. I hope it helped someone(s)!
86. Affirmations
87. That I’m doing the gratitudes daily.
88. That I *think * I will call J. about picking up doggie today. Okay.
89. And that would mean I *have * to walk a bit this weekend too. Okay. Good.
90. I am about to take my Claritan and vitamins.
91. That I have both.
92. That my pharmacy delivers.
93. And keeps my credit card on file there.
94. J’s envelope thing. When I was jealous, decades ago. And he gave me an envelope with pink trim. And said if I’m jealous of someone else’s life, to remember that if I were able to trade with their life, I would have to trade with their *whole * life. And you never know what *else * is inside that envelope. This memory makes me miss him very much, and wish I’d shown more appreciation consistently every day throughout the years and really learned and internalized that lesson, but it’s also still good for jealousies.
95. Too much coffee this morning. So too jittery. BUT using it to get stuff done.
96. AND maybe learned lesson about it for future.
97. The party we had with the hot cider in the crockpot.
98. And doggie’s special party bow.
99. Maybe more parties in future.
100. My new earrings.
CoDA Morning Work Today
I woke up,
had coffee,
M. called,
I called my sponsor,
and I feel:
Disconnected, Isolated, Blue, Vulnerable, Disassociated a little from feelings
AND
Defeated, Willing
AND
Grateful, Sacred, Secure Blessed, Open, a little Glorious, a bit Activated and even a bit Recharged
I think it is because:
First line, because miss J. and not want to do the laundry and kitchen cleaning and some cooking today and a bit afraid of loneliness today plus doggie - miss her, dreamt about her, but she's probably filthy and allergy-causing to me right now and not sure if getting her for weekend.
Second line, about food.
Third line,because of God. Because of p. 98 in the Big Book. Because of Thich Nhat Hahn in my life. Because I got through yesterday. And because I do have the time to do some stuff today. And because of a bit of piano practice and a little jigsaw puzzling, good books, potential to see MA today, etc. ***Living in the moment. "Life is only really available in the present moment." TNH
I acted out co-dependently:
Eating fucking crackers last night.
Next time I will do differently:
Not buy them!
had coffee,
M. called,
I called my sponsor,
and I feel:
Disconnected, Isolated, Blue, Vulnerable, Disassociated a little from feelings
AND
Defeated, Willing
AND
Grateful, Sacred, Secure Blessed, Open, a little Glorious, a bit Activated and even a bit Recharged
I think it is because:
First line, because miss J. and not want to do the laundry and kitchen cleaning and some cooking today and a bit afraid of loneliness today plus doggie - miss her, dreamt about her, but she's probably filthy and allergy-causing to me right now and not sure if getting her for weekend.
Second line, about food.
Third line,because of God. Because of p. 98 in the Big Book. Because of Thich Nhat Hahn in my life. Because I got through yesterday. And because I do have the time to do some stuff today. And because of a bit of piano practice and a little jigsaw puzzling, good books, potential to see MA today, etc. ***Living in the moment. "Life is only really available in the present moment." TNH
I acted out co-dependently:
Eating fucking crackers last night.
Next time I will do differently:
Not buy them!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Dear God
Dear God Thank you.
Thank You so much that I am not suffering today.
What a gift.
I am so grateful to You for that.
Thank you.
All praise and glory to You.
Amen.
Thank You so much that I am not suffering today.
What a gift.
I am so grateful to You for that.
Thank you.
All praise and glory to You.
Amen.
Affirmations
I am lovable.
I am loved.
I am okay.
I am alive.
I am here.
I am healthy.
I can have some fun this very day.
I am loved.
I am okay.
I am alive.
I am here.
I am healthy.
I can have some fun this very day.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. This is the chance to find out who I am.
2. And to be it.
3. And then we can see who would *really * want me.
4. Worry is a monumental waste of energy and time.
5. Sponsor just reminded me of Alfred (E?) Newman? “What, me worry?”
6. That sponsor was able to speak to me today, even though I called an hour and a half late!
7. That I *enjoy * my morning coffee.
8. *This * can be the first day of the rest of my life. In fact, it *is. * Whether I want to believe/face that or not.
9. Sponsor’s sharing about surgeries and near-deaths and appreciation of life.
10. I have a lovely jigsaw puzzle.
11. I bought it for myself.
12. After I finish it, I might just put sections of it into baggies, and bring it to school for my class to get to do it and put it all together. And then we can glue it and hang it up!
13. The child who shared that idea with me; that her father would do that.
14. That my sponsor’s infection in shin, is practically done.
15. “The spirituality that people don’t talk about, but we talk about it in the rooms.” My sponsor this morning
16. That I now *want * to live.
17. P. 98 in the Big Book. That my sponsor’s been trying to get me to read for several days. And finally, we just did together.
18. And that it says, in the middle (4th edition): “It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give.
19. “That often makes the difference between failure and success.
20. “The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for.
21. And the next word. “Nonsense.” A very important word here.
22. “Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth:
23. “Job or no job – wife or no wife – we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God
24. “Burn into the consciousness” Burn
25. “Burn into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone.
26. “The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.”
27. The “only” condition.
28. God, I now put my trust in you. And I will clean house. Step Eight. I will start tomorrow morning, 10 – 20 minutes a day, every day, just like I did with Step Four.
29. I WILL eat well today. I CAN and I will.
30. And I thank God that I have the tools too.
31. The food.
32. The money.
33. The stove.
34. The hands.
35. The pots.
36. The dishes.
37. May this be the first day of my LIFE OF THANKSGIVING.
38. Anything is possible. At least almost anything.
39. I’m going to try to crochet today.
40. The Law of Attraction IS really at work. I mean, all my life, I pretty much never really liked the Thanksgiving “obligations.” And here I am alone on this day. Of course I would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather be WITH. But after all, I got what I unconsciously and deeply wished for, due to my own shyness etc. Right? Hmmm.
41. My sponsor’s understanding of the Big Book, and constant study of it.
42. I’m going to ask if we can go back to studying it daily. So carefully. Word by word and sentence by sentence.
43. D’s peace.
44. Thich Nhat Hahn’s peace.
45. That I’ve gotten to be near both.
46. That this blog, these gratitudes, these shares from the books, might be helping somebody somewhere.
47. My mother just called back and she *does * have plans with her friend after all. Yay.
48. Later in the morning: I am grateful that I just had breakfast.
49. Roseanne sort of marathon today.
50. I’ve already practiced piano a little bit today, and can see/feel hear the little difference already.
51. My only job today, is to get through this one day. And to try to enjoy. As it is the first Thanksgiving in almost 30 years that I am without J., I will not burden myself. I will probably wait tomorrow to clean or straighten. It’s enough holding on. And not overeating. And that’s fine and good.
52. Today’s For Today: “The absurd man is he who never changes.” Auguste Barthelemy
53. J. just called.
54. I am grateful that he called
55. And wished me a happy Thanksgiving.
56. And asked me what I’m doing.
57. And he’s just hanging around.
58. And I’m grateful that I didn’t call him.
59. And that when he called, I didn’t invite him to do anything. He needs to be free. To feel free and to truly be free.
60. I want that for him. AND for me too.
61. That I just talked to MA too.
62. Okay. So For Today goes on to say: “The compulsive overeater in me never changes, but the recovering member of Overeaters Anonymous does.
63. And “I am aware that my thinking has changed in many ways.
64. “Where once I dieted for a specific length of time, only to break loose on holidays and other occasions, I am now thankfully abstinent every day.” I see that as a promise.
65. “It is an incomparable pleasure to use the power this program gives me to eat moderately even on days when excess is the norm.
66. “For today: I thank God and Overeaters Anonymous for my abstinence and for the new life it has given me.
67. “I wouldn’t trade it for any food on earth.”
68. Today’s Voices of Recovery: ”Think gratefully how fortunate you are to have a disease that can be arrested,
69. “one day at a time,
70. “simply by not taking that first compulsive bite.” From “Before you Take That First Compulsive Bite, Remember…”
71. “When the mental obsession and cravings hit, I have many thoughts and actions that help me avoid that first compulsive bite.
72. “I remember the tools and the guilt and remorse I feel after a slip or a binge.
73. “Why compound the uncomfortable feelings o food thoughts and cravings with remorse, guilt, and self-condemnation?
74. “Why not live through the food thoughts and relish the knowledge that this too shall pass if I’m willing to turn my attention to prayer, phone calls, OA service, literature, housework, or anything else until it’s time for my next abstinent meal?
75. “Often I tally the number of obsessive food thought I overcome during the day with my Higher Power’s help.
76. “It’s amazing how many times I’ve received the miracle of recovery in just one day!
77. “Try it; you’ll like it.
78. Okay. And I shall.
79. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I give thanks.”
80. “I heard the doctor say there was a spot on my Ct scan which needed follow-up with an MRI. I felt fear and anxiety. I imagined all the dark possibilities of what the test might reveal. I had survived cancer fourteen years ago. Recovery teachers me to stay in the moment, to focus on one day (or one minute) at a time.
81. “But I was obsessing, I concentrated on breathing and asked my Higher Power for guidance.
82. “It was all I could do.
83. “Twenty-four achingly long hours after the test, I heard my doctor’s voice on the phone. ‘Benign,’ he said. I wished the doctor a Happy Thanksgiving, hung up the phone, and dropped to the floor to thank God.”
84. I am also grateful that that person got the good news.
85. Maybe if I become truly independent, J. will want me again. Maybe that will work out. And maybe I won’t NEED it. That’s the point. And maybe I won’t even want it. Or maybe I will. Or maybe I’ll be happy alone. Or with someone else.
86. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Surrender.”
87. “Surrender means saying, ‘Okay, God. I’ll do whatever You want.’
88. “Faith in the god of our recovery means we trust that, eventually, we’ll like doing that.
89. “Today, I will surrender to my Higher Power.
90. “I’ll trust that God’s plan for me will be good, even if it is different than I hoped for or expected.”
91. Relief. I a grateful for every moment of relief.
92. And hope.
93. And water.
94. And my 3 meals planned for today, including greens.
95. I am grateful that doggie will be with J. today. For her AND for him.
96. I am grateful for the woman who gave me the idea of 100 gratitudes a day, a few years ago.
97. And that I do it now.
98. I am grateful for having become open to so many different kinds of people: religions, sexual orientations, political beliefs, financial situations, families and those alone,…
99. I am grateful that I am *so * much less judgmental than I used to be. Even though I’ve had to go through hard times to get to it.
100. I am grateful for my free tech sessions once every 12 days.
101. A whole day to myself.
102. And I'm actually enjoying it.
103. And without overeating.
Thank you, God.
1. This is the chance to find out who I am.
2. And to be it.
3. And then we can see who would *really * want me.
4. Worry is a monumental waste of energy and time.
5. Sponsor just reminded me of Alfred (E?) Newman? “What, me worry?”
6. That sponsor was able to speak to me today, even though I called an hour and a half late!
7. That I *enjoy * my morning coffee.
8. *This * can be the first day of the rest of my life. In fact, it *is. * Whether I want to believe/face that or not.
9. Sponsor’s sharing about surgeries and near-deaths and appreciation of life.
10. I have a lovely jigsaw puzzle.
11. I bought it for myself.
12. After I finish it, I might just put sections of it into baggies, and bring it to school for my class to get to do it and put it all together. And then we can glue it and hang it up!
13. The child who shared that idea with me; that her father would do that.
14. That my sponsor’s infection in shin, is practically done.
15. “The spirituality that people don’t talk about, but we talk about it in the rooms.” My sponsor this morning
16. That I now *want * to live.
17. P. 98 in the Big Book. That my sponsor’s been trying to get me to read for several days. And finally, we just did together.
18. And that it says, in the middle (4th edition): “It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give.
19. “That often makes the difference between failure and success.
20. “The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for.
21. And the next word. “Nonsense.” A very important word here.
22. “Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth:
23. “Job or no job – wife or no wife – we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God
24. “Burn into the consciousness” Burn
25. “Burn into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone.
26. “The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.”
27. The “only” condition.
28. God, I now put my trust in you. And I will clean house. Step Eight. I will start tomorrow morning, 10 – 20 minutes a day, every day, just like I did with Step Four.
29. I WILL eat well today. I CAN and I will.
30. And I thank God that I have the tools too.
31. The food.
32. The money.
33. The stove.
34. The hands.
35. The pots.
36. The dishes.
37. May this be the first day of my LIFE OF THANKSGIVING.
38. Anything is possible. At least almost anything.
39. I’m going to try to crochet today.
40. The Law of Attraction IS really at work. I mean, all my life, I pretty much never really liked the Thanksgiving “obligations.” And here I am alone on this day. Of course I would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather be WITH. But after all, I got what I unconsciously and deeply wished for, due to my own shyness etc. Right? Hmmm.
41. My sponsor’s understanding of the Big Book, and constant study of it.
42. I’m going to ask if we can go back to studying it daily. So carefully. Word by word and sentence by sentence.
43. D’s peace.
44. Thich Nhat Hahn’s peace.
45. That I’ve gotten to be near both.
46. That this blog, these gratitudes, these shares from the books, might be helping somebody somewhere.
47. My mother just called back and she *does * have plans with her friend after all. Yay.
48. Later in the morning: I am grateful that I just had breakfast.
49. Roseanne sort of marathon today.
50. I’ve already practiced piano a little bit today, and can see/feel hear the little difference already.
51. My only job today, is to get through this one day. And to try to enjoy. As it is the first Thanksgiving in almost 30 years that I am without J., I will not burden myself. I will probably wait tomorrow to clean or straighten. It’s enough holding on. And not overeating. And that’s fine and good.
52. Today’s For Today: “The absurd man is he who never changes.” Auguste Barthelemy
53. J. just called.
54. I am grateful that he called
55. And wished me a happy Thanksgiving.
56. And asked me what I’m doing.
57. And he’s just hanging around.
58. And I’m grateful that I didn’t call him.
59. And that when he called, I didn’t invite him to do anything. He needs to be free. To feel free and to truly be free.
60. I want that for him. AND for me too.
61. That I just talked to MA too.
62. Okay. So For Today goes on to say: “The compulsive overeater in me never changes, but the recovering member of Overeaters Anonymous does.
63. And “I am aware that my thinking has changed in many ways.
64. “Where once I dieted for a specific length of time, only to break loose on holidays and other occasions, I am now thankfully abstinent every day.” I see that as a promise.
65. “It is an incomparable pleasure to use the power this program gives me to eat moderately even on days when excess is the norm.
66. “For today: I thank God and Overeaters Anonymous for my abstinence and for the new life it has given me.
67. “I wouldn’t trade it for any food on earth.”
68. Today’s Voices of Recovery: ”Think gratefully how fortunate you are to have a disease that can be arrested,
69. “one day at a time,
70. “simply by not taking that first compulsive bite.” From “Before you Take That First Compulsive Bite, Remember…”
71. “When the mental obsession and cravings hit, I have many thoughts and actions that help me avoid that first compulsive bite.
72. “I remember the tools and the guilt and remorse I feel after a slip or a binge.
73. “Why compound the uncomfortable feelings o food thoughts and cravings with remorse, guilt, and self-condemnation?
74. “Why not live through the food thoughts and relish the knowledge that this too shall pass if I’m willing to turn my attention to prayer, phone calls, OA service, literature, housework, or anything else until it’s time for my next abstinent meal?
75. “Often I tally the number of obsessive food thought I overcome during the day with my Higher Power’s help.
76. “It’s amazing how many times I’ve received the miracle of recovery in just one day!
77. “Try it; you’ll like it.
78. Okay. And I shall.
79. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I give thanks.”
80. “I heard the doctor say there was a spot on my Ct scan which needed follow-up with an MRI. I felt fear and anxiety. I imagined all the dark possibilities of what the test might reveal. I had survived cancer fourteen years ago. Recovery teachers me to stay in the moment, to focus on one day (or one minute) at a time.
81. “But I was obsessing, I concentrated on breathing and asked my Higher Power for guidance.
82. “It was all I could do.
83. “Twenty-four achingly long hours after the test, I heard my doctor’s voice on the phone. ‘Benign,’ he said. I wished the doctor a Happy Thanksgiving, hung up the phone, and dropped to the floor to thank God.”
84. I am also grateful that that person got the good news.
85. Maybe if I become truly independent, J. will want me again. Maybe that will work out. And maybe I won’t NEED it. That’s the point. And maybe I won’t even want it. Or maybe I will. Or maybe I’ll be happy alone. Or with someone else.
86. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Surrender.”
87. “Surrender means saying, ‘Okay, God. I’ll do whatever You want.’
88. “Faith in the god of our recovery means we trust that, eventually, we’ll like doing that.
89. “Today, I will surrender to my Higher Power.
90. “I’ll trust that God’s plan for me will be good, even if it is different than I hoped for or expected.”
91. Relief. I a grateful for every moment of relief.
92. And hope.
93. And water.
94. And my 3 meals planned for today, including greens.
95. I am grateful that doggie will be with J. today. For her AND for him.
96. I am grateful for the woman who gave me the idea of 100 gratitudes a day, a few years ago.
97. And that I do it now.
98. I am grateful for having become open to so many different kinds of people: religions, sexual orientations, political beliefs, financial situations, families and those alone,…
99. I am grateful that I am *so * much less judgmental than I used to be. Even though I’ve had to go through hard times to get to it.
100. I am grateful for my free tech sessions once every 12 days.
101. A whole day to myself.
102. And I'm actually enjoying it.
103. And without overeating.
Thank you, God.
Okay, So Here's Today's Eating
For breakfast I have had:
1 cup of coffee with a little bit of plain soymilk
2 slices of Ezekial 4:9 bread, toasted (dry)
1 cup of Lady Grey tea (black)
And I mostly ate slowly and kind of mindfully.
And enjoyed it.
Healthy. Not too much. crunchy. Tasty. Good start.
(And someday I will probably have one slice).
--
And for lunch,
I had a nice bowl of the "Such Yummy Soup"
and 12 whole grain Ritz crackers
and water
and vitamins and Claritin before it.
--
One pot of flower tea, black
And for dinner,
1 piece of the enchilada pie
and one kale salad sandwich on 2 Ezekial toast
And I am satisfied and I also have memories of how often, when I was young and thin, I ended a meal with a salad sandwich.
And I will have water with my nighttime pill (or without it, as I'm allowed to skip)
1 cup of coffee with a little bit of plain soymilk
2 slices of Ezekial 4:9 bread, toasted (dry)
1 cup of Lady Grey tea (black)
And I mostly ate slowly and kind of mindfully.
And enjoyed it.
Healthy. Not too much. crunchy. Tasty. Good start.
(And someday I will probably have one slice).
--
And for lunch,
I had a nice bowl of the "Such Yummy Soup"
and 12 whole grain Ritz crackers
and water
and vitamins and Claritin before it.
--
One pot of flower tea, black
And for dinner,
1 piece of the enchilada pie
and one kale salad sandwich on 2 Ezekial toast
And I am satisfied and I also have memories of how often, when I was young and thin, I ended a meal with a salad sandwich.
And I will have water with my nighttime pill (or without it, as I'm allowed to skip)
If I Were to Have a Little Holiday Party, Whom Could I Invite
MA
M
O
St
ML (if she'll come out in evening)
S
Mart
J. A.
K
Ka?
+ me is 11
And doggie can be here too.
And I can serve good stuff.
and have a tree.
And even jigsaw puzzle in a room, for people to go to.
And maybe even some piano singing.
M
O
St
ML (if she'll come out in evening)
S
Mart
J. A.
K
Ka?
+ me is 11
And doggie can be here too.
And I can serve good stuff.
and have a tree.
And even jigsaw puzzle in a room, for people to go to.
And maybe even some piano singing.
CoDA Morning Work Today
Thank you, God, for this day.
I woke up and I feel:
Stomach sinking.
Numb.
Don't want to face feelings.
But know must do the magnet feelings box work.
But have to call sponsor in five minutes.
Maybe just will do this after that call, just this once.
Okay. Have talked to sponsor and even done some gratitudes.
Now I can do this today.
I feel:
Lonely, Regretful, Estranged, Lonesome
AND
Grateful, Sacred, Healthy, Affirmed, Fantastic, Unencumbered, Secure, Blessed, Optimistic
I think it is because:
Lonely without J and without family and without Thanksgiving plans. First time in almost 30 years.
Regretful for not seeing this coming and preventing it in my marriage.
Estranged from J and his family. I hate that feeling.
Lonesome. Well, obvious
Grateful because of all I have that I am aware of. Like things to do. NOT in an iron lung...
Sacred because I am God's.
Healthy and grateful for it. breath coming better. All that rest must have helped.
Affirmed because M. called first thing and great talk with sponsor. Will probably also talk with MA. and with mother. And all of that means, my whole life, feeling, everything, is NOT ALL about ONLY J.
Fantastic. Hard to believe, right? But not worrying about my mother (although in the middle of this we just spoke, and she does NOT have plans after all, but will still probably see her best friend and feels absolutely fine. Plus - I don't want to make her sick with my throat and coughing stuff so okay. So, fantastic, in a way, because really okay. And free to do whatever the fuck I want.
Unencumbered. Because it's like, the feeling of being encumbered, is bullshit. With what am I encumbered? I have a brain, and an education, and my senses, and a home, and food and water and shelter and a car. And talents. I'm not really so encumbered am I?
Secure. Because I have God. And some good people too. And life is only really available in the present moment. And in the present moment I'm fine. So, secure. The future doesn't exist. And in this moment I'm secure and fine. This moment.
Blessed. With so much. Including this bit of relief.
Optimistic. Because I will learn to be okay on my own.
And then, IF I WANT, I can be okay WITH someone. But okay.
So I don't know what the future holds, but there's no reason to not assume it's good, and then forget about it.
Thank you God, for this Thanksgiving Day.
I always do NOT relate when they talk in CoDA about caring more for others than self. Yet I *do * do that too. And I'm glad. Because in one way, it makes me feel better about myself, even though I need to stop,
and in another way, it means there's really nothing to which i can't relate in this program.
The thing with my mother this week has made me realize this.
And maybe today, I'm feeling like, I can really just care for myself.
Good.
I woke up and I feel:
Stomach sinking.
Numb.
Don't want to face feelings.
But know must do the magnet feelings box work.
But have to call sponsor in five minutes.
Maybe just will do this after that call, just this once.
Okay. Have talked to sponsor and even done some gratitudes.
Now I can do this today.
I feel:
Lonely, Regretful, Estranged, Lonesome
AND
Grateful, Sacred, Healthy, Affirmed, Fantastic, Unencumbered, Secure, Blessed, Optimistic
I think it is because:
Lonely without J and without family and without Thanksgiving plans. First time in almost 30 years.
Regretful for not seeing this coming and preventing it in my marriage.
Estranged from J and his family. I hate that feeling.
Lonesome. Well, obvious
Grateful because of all I have that I am aware of. Like things to do. NOT in an iron lung...
Sacred because I am God's.
Healthy and grateful for it. breath coming better. All that rest must have helped.
Affirmed because M. called first thing and great talk with sponsor. Will probably also talk with MA. and with mother. And all of that means, my whole life, feeling, everything, is NOT ALL about ONLY J.
Fantastic. Hard to believe, right? But not worrying about my mother (although in the middle of this we just spoke, and she does NOT have plans after all, but will still probably see her best friend and feels absolutely fine. Plus - I don't want to make her sick with my throat and coughing stuff so okay. So, fantastic, in a way, because really okay. And free to do whatever the fuck I want.
Unencumbered. Because it's like, the feeling of being encumbered, is bullshit. With what am I encumbered? I have a brain, and an education, and my senses, and a home, and food and water and shelter and a car. And talents. I'm not really so encumbered am I?
Secure. Because I have God. And some good people too. And life is only really available in the present moment. And in the present moment I'm fine. So, secure. The future doesn't exist. And in this moment I'm secure and fine. This moment.
Blessed. With so much. Including this bit of relief.
Optimistic. Because I will learn to be okay on my own.
And then, IF I WANT, I can be okay WITH someone. But okay.
So I don't know what the future holds, but there's no reason to not assume it's good, and then forget about it.
Thank you God, for this Thanksgiving Day.
I always do NOT relate when they talk in CoDA about caring more for others than self. Yet I *do * do that too. And I'm glad. Because in one way, it makes me feel better about myself, even though I need to stop,
and in another way, it means there's really nothing to which i can't relate in this program.
The thing with my mother this week has made me realize this.
And maybe today, I'm feeling like, I can really just care for myself.
Good.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Affirmations
I am a child of God.
I have interests.
I have assets.
I have intelligence.
I have capabilities.
I have beliefs.
The universe supports me.
God supplies me with all I need.
I am enough.
I am happy.
My life is fulfilled and safe and healthy and joyous and happy and wonderful.
I have interests.
I have assets.
I have intelligence.
I have capabilities.
I have beliefs.
The universe supports me.
God supplies me with all I need.
I am enough.
I am happy.
My life is fulfilled and safe and healthy and joyous and happy and wonderful.
Grats
All I have time for now.
Will add more later.
I am grateful:
1. Hope
2. The breath that I do have.
3. Can call sponsor soon.
4. This day will pass.
5. I typed up all those recipes, like 30 pages, for Me. I hope I’m allowed to get them to her, and that she makes use of and enjoys them.
6. God
7. Help from any/every source.
8. That I can walk
9. Talk
10. Work
11. See
12. Hear
13. Toda’s For Today: “You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might pray also in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance.” Kahlil Gibran. Oh, God, I promise.
14. …“When practiced daily prayer and meditation become a channel through which consciousness of the presence of God in my life is heightened.
15. “This consciousness not only comforts me in times of stress and trouble,
16. “but it gives new dimensions of peace and contentment to the joy and freedom of recovery.
17. “For today: Prayer can be only ‘Thank you’ – which is as appropriate in my need and distress as it is in my abundance and joy.”
18. I’m grateful for gratitudes.
19. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Service is its own reward.”
20. And last year I’d written: “How – Why-“ but now I get it.
21. “When I came into OA, I thought that service givers were an elite class of people, and I had to earn my place among them. I also thought service was about giving.” And I’d written “me too.” But now I get that too.
22. “Our tools tell us to ‘give what we have so generously been given.’
23. “I’ve discovered that service is for everyone, and everyone has something to contribute.
24. “Those who give service stay in OA longer than those who don’t,
25. “and relative newcomers who take on even a small service come back to meetings.”
26. Like me being treasurer at that one meeting. I came so close to not taking it, or to giving it up, like 3 times. And I’m glad now, that I have that commitment.
27. “My experience tells me that when I give service, I receive more than I could ever give.” And I’d put a ? there. But now I get it.
28. “When I share my experience, strength, and hope with someone, I often say just what I needed to hear.
29. “I have learned skills I would not have today if I had not given service above the group level. I learned to work in a team and to look for what is best for the whole. I learned to speak in front of people and found that I was good at it. I learned to give workshops and facilitate meetings. Through these new skills, I embarked on a new career. Service has taught me more and given me more than I could ever have given.” Okay.
30. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I celebrate.”
31. “In recover, I learn the power of truth.
32. “Denial is no longer in charge of my life.
33. “Instead of running from fear, I learn to fact it, using the tools of the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous.
34. “I learn it doesn’t happen overnight.
35. “I take delight in feeling cared for and respected in my CoDA family.
36. “I am elated by the presence of a Higher Power in my life.
37. “I have more energy.
38. “I celebrate, as I feel the excitement of a full and positive life.”
Okay. Now the rest.
39. ****Today’s Daily OM:” Maybe you are using a desire you can’t fulfill to distract you from truly engaging the blessings you already have.” I am actually doing this during the rest of the Conversation with Koko movie. It’s better than the tears that were starting to come from my eyes right at my classroom desk! Gratitudes gratitudes gratitudes.**
40. And it goes on to say: “When it comes to the things we want, there always seems to be an endless list.
41. “No matter how many times we get something off that list, we add new things to replace it.
42. “In life, this drama of wanting and getting and wanting is all part of the dance.
43. “The things we want motivate us to get up and get them.
44. And it goes on further to say: “And yet, at the same time, we can torment ourselves with our wanting, especially when we want something we can't have or can't find.
45. “It is in cases like these that it might be fruitful to entertain the idea that maybe what you really want is right in front of you.” Big. Big big big.
46. Now the kids have left and I’ll continue at home. Okay. I’ve been home for a long while. I’m grateful that M. invited me for dinner tonight. Even though she had to cancel because went to dr. not feeling well.
47. And I’m kind of grateful she canceled. I would have been better off going, but I’ll just chill. And it’ll be fine too.
48. Okay. That thing goes on to say: “Maybe you are using this desire you can't fulfill to distract you from truly engaging the blessings you already have.
49. “It may seem like that doesn't make sense, yet we do it all the time. It may be easier to see in other people than to see it in ourselves. We have all heard our friends wishing they were more this or less that, and looking at them we see clearly that they are everything they are wishing they were.
50. “We know people who have wonderful partners and yet envy you yours. We wish we could give these people a look at their situations from our perspective so that they could see that what they want really is right in front of them. It's not too far-fetched to consider that we might be victims of the same folly.
51. “It can be scary to have what we want.
52. “We get caught up in the chase and forget to enjoy the beauty right in front of us—like a child who never wants the toy she has in her hand but always the one just out of her reach.
53. “Take a moment today to consider the many things you are holding in the palm of your hand
54. “Take a moment today to consider the many things you are holding in the palm of your hand.
55. “and how you might best play with them.”
56. Today’s Language of Letting Go:…”Our sexual energy may be blocked. Or for some of us, sex may be the only way we learned to connect with people. Our sexuality may not be connected to the rest of us; sex may not be connected to love – for ourselves or others.
57. …”some of us may have gotten involved in sexual codependeny: not paying attention to what we wanted, or didn’t want, sexually; allowing ourselves to et involved sexually because it was what the other person watned; shutting off our sexuality along with our other feelings; denying ourselves healthy enjoyment of ourselves as sexual beings.
58. “Our sexuality is a part of ourselves that deserves healing attention and energy.
59. “It is a part of us that we can allow to become connected ot the whole of us;
60. “it is a part of us that we can stop being ashamed of.
61. “It is okay and healthy to allow our sexual energy to open up and become healed.
62. “It is connected to our creativity and to our heart.
63. “We do not have to allow our sexual energy to control us or our relationships.
64. “We can establish and maintain healthy, appropriate boundaries around our sexuality.
65. “We can discover what that means in our life.
66. “We can enjoy the gift of being human beings who have been given the gift of sexual energy, without abusing or discounting that gift.
67. Today, I will begin to integrate my sexuality into the rest of my personality.
68. “God, help me let go of my fears and shame around my sexuality.
69. “Show me the issues I need to face concerning my sexuality.
70. “Help me open myself to healing in that area of my life.”
71. That books exist that discuss everything about humans and problems and needs…
72. Magazines
73. A really great talk with my sponsor yesterday morning.
74. And today too.
75. The idea to look for the 60-something “musts” in the big book.
76. And I got a different colored highlighter to highlight them.
77. The adorable second grader who said, “We got our turkey two days ago. So it’s already a chicken.”
78. And the other 3 who didn’t respond at all as if they made no sense.
79. The adorableness of their developmental reality.
80. The amazing relief – so strong – that because I’ve been under the weather and coughing a lot all week, my mother will go with her best friend tomorrow, and I won’t have to worry about her being alone, or about what to do about her not knowing…BIG relief.
81. Maybe I’ll clean this weekend?
82. Or at least straighten?
83. I know I’ll cook some.
84. And do some laundry.
85. Rest tonight.
86. And even computer games.
87. And even tv.
88. It’s fine. And I just practiced piano. Yay.
89. Bach. I love it.
90. Caring that much about my mother and her no suffering, is a sign that J. is NOT *all * I care about.
91. There is hope for *my * future.
92. My feet. They’re comfy and they work and they’re even pretty.
93. Saving a little bit of money.
94. The furnace. Yes, I’m still grateful for the furnace.
95. And as always, for water.
96. And for Birdie and her comment yesterday.
97. I’m so grateful that I can type.
98. And so quickly.
99. And that I’ve loved it since high school when I took it and shined so.
100. And that people in offices have always made such a scene over my typing.
101. And in schools too.
Will add more later.
I am grateful:
1. Hope
2. The breath that I do have.
3. Can call sponsor soon.
4. This day will pass.
5. I typed up all those recipes, like 30 pages, for Me. I hope I’m allowed to get them to her, and that she makes use of and enjoys them.
6. God
7. Help from any/every source.
8. That I can walk
9. Talk
10. Work
11. See
12. Hear
13. Toda’s For Today: “You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might pray also in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance.” Kahlil Gibran. Oh, God, I promise.
14. …“When practiced daily prayer and meditation become a channel through which consciousness of the presence of God in my life is heightened.
15. “This consciousness not only comforts me in times of stress and trouble,
16. “but it gives new dimensions of peace and contentment to the joy and freedom of recovery.
17. “For today: Prayer can be only ‘Thank you’ – which is as appropriate in my need and distress as it is in my abundance and joy.”
18. I’m grateful for gratitudes.
19. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Service is its own reward.”
20. And last year I’d written: “How – Why-“ but now I get it.
21. “When I came into OA, I thought that service givers were an elite class of people, and I had to earn my place among them. I also thought service was about giving.” And I’d written “me too.” But now I get that too.
22. “Our tools tell us to ‘give what we have so generously been given.’
23. “I’ve discovered that service is for everyone, and everyone has something to contribute.
24. “Those who give service stay in OA longer than those who don’t,
25. “and relative newcomers who take on even a small service come back to meetings.”
26. Like me being treasurer at that one meeting. I came so close to not taking it, or to giving it up, like 3 times. And I’m glad now, that I have that commitment.
27. “My experience tells me that when I give service, I receive more than I could ever give.” And I’d put a ? there. But now I get it.
28. “When I share my experience, strength, and hope with someone, I often say just what I needed to hear.
29. “I have learned skills I would not have today if I had not given service above the group level. I learned to work in a team and to look for what is best for the whole. I learned to speak in front of people and found that I was good at it. I learned to give workshops and facilitate meetings. Through these new skills, I embarked on a new career. Service has taught me more and given me more than I could ever have given.” Okay.
30. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I celebrate.”
31. “In recover, I learn the power of truth.
32. “Denial is no longer in charge of my life.
33. “Instead of running from fear, I learn to fact it, using the tools of the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous.
34. “I learn it doesn’t happen overnight.
35. “I take delight in feeling cared for and respected in my CoDA family.
36. “I am elated by the presence of a Higher Power in my life.
37. “I have more energy.
38. “I celebrate, as I feel the excitement of a full and positive life.”
Okay. Now the rest.
39. ****Today’s Daily OM:” Maybe you are using a desire you can’t fulfill to distract you from truly engaging the blessings you already have.” I am actually doing this during the rest of the Conversation with Koko movie. It’s better than the tears that were starting to come from my eyes right at my classroom desk! Gratitudes gratitudes gratitudes.**
40. And it goes on to say: “When it comes to the things we want, there always seems to be an endless list.
41. “No matter how many times we get something off that list, we add new things to replace it.
42. “In life, this drama of wanting and getting and wanting is all part of the dance.
43. “The things we want motivate us to get up and get them.
44. And it goes on further to say: “And yet, at the same time, we can torment ourselves with our wanting, especially when we want something we can't have or can't find.
45. “It is in cases like these that it might be fruitful to entertain the idea that maybe what you really want is right in front of you.” Big. Big big big.
46. Now the kids have left and I’ll continue at home. Okay. I’ve been home for a long while. I’m grateful that M. invited me for dinner tonight. Even though she had to cancel because went to dr. not feeling well.
47. And I’m kind of grateful she canceled. I would have been better off going, but I’ll just chill. And it’ll be fine too.
48. Okay. That thing goes on to say: “Maybe you are using this desire you can't fulfill to distract you from truly engaging the blessings you already have.
49. “It may seem like that doesn't make sense, yet we do it all the time. It may be easier to see in other people than to see it in ourselves. We have all heard our friends wishing they were more this or less that, and looking at them we see clearly that they are everything they are wishing they were.
50. “We know people who have wonderful partners and yet envy you yours. We wish we could give these people a look at their situations from our perspective so that they could see that what they want really is right in front of them. It's not too far-fetched to consider that we might be victims of the same folly.
51. “It can be scary to have what we want.
52. “We get caught up in the chase and forget to enjoy the beauty right in front of us—like a child who never wants the toy she has in her hand but always the one just out of her reach.
53. “Take a moment today to consider the many things you are holding in the palm of your hand
54. “Take a moment today to consider the many things you are holding in the palm of your hand.
55. “and how you might best play with them.”
56. Today’s Language of Letting Go:…”Our sexual energy may be blocked. Or for some of us, sex may be the only way we learned to connect with people. Our sexuality may not be connected to the rest of us; sex may not be connected to love – for ourselves or others.
57. …”some of us may have gotten involved in sexual codependeny: not paying attention to what we wanted, or didn’t want, sexually; allowing ourselves to et involved sexually because it was what the other person watned; shutting off our sexuality along with our other feelings; denying ourselves healthy enjoyment of ourselves as sexual beings.
58. “Our sexuality is a part of ourselves that deserves healing attention and energy.
59. “It is a part of us that we can allow to become connected ot the whole of us;
60. “it is a part of us that we can stop being ashamed of.
61. “It is okay and healthy to allow our sexual energy to open up and become healed.
62. “It is connected to our creativity and to our heart.
63. “We do not have to allow our sexual energy to control us or our relationships.
64. “We can establish and maintain healthy, appropriate boundaries around our sexuality.
65. “We can discover what that means in our life.
66. “We can enjoy the gift of being human beings who have been given the gift of sexual energy, without abusing or discounting that gift.
67. Today, I will begin to integrate my sexuality into the rest of my personality.
68. “God, help me let go of my fears and shame around my sexuality.
69. “Show me the issues I need to face concerning my sexuality.
70. “Help me open myself to healing in that area of my life.”
71. That books exist that discuss everything about humans and problems and needs…
72. Magazines
73. A really great talk with my sponsor yesterday morning.
74. And today too.
75. The idea to look for the 60-something “musts” in the big book.
76. And I got a different colored highlighter to highlight them.
77. The adorable second grader who said, “We got our turkey two days ago. So it’s already a chicken.”
78. And the other 3 who didn’t respond at all as if they made no sense.
79. The adorableness of their developmental reality.
80. The amazing relief – so strong – that because I’ve been under the weather and coughing a lot all week, my mother will go with her best friend tomorrow, and I won’t have to worry about her being alone, or about what to do about her not knowing…BIG relief.
81. Maybe I’ll clean this weekend?
82. Or at least straighten?
83. I know I’ll cook some.
84. And do some laundry.
85. Rest tonight.
86. And even computer games.
87. And even tv.
88. It’s fine. And I just practiced piano. Yay.
89. Bach. I love it.
90. Caring that much about my mother and her no suffering, is a sign that J. is NOT *all * I care about.
91. There is hope for *my * future.
92. My feet. They’re comfy and they work and they’re even pretty.
93. Saving a little bit of money.
94. The furnace. Yes, I’m still grateful for the furnace.
95. And as always, for water.
96. And for Birdie and her comment yesterday.
97. I’m so grateful that I can type.
98. And so quickly.
99. And that I’ve loved it since high school when I took it and shined so.
100. And that people in offices have always made such a scene over my typing.
101. And in schools too.
Dear God
Dear God,
You know the thoughts I've been having.
Please help me.
This is very hard right now.
I value my life. I value the gift of life you've given me.
Please, give me breath. And give me the will and strength and courage to live this live you've given me.
Please help me.
Please help J to see why he loved me so much for over 20 years and come out of this mid-life crisis thing.
Going to do some gratitudes right now...
You know the thoughts I've been having.
Please help me.
This is very hard right now.
I value my life. I value the gift of life you've given me.
Please, give me breath. And give me the will and strength and courage to live this live you've given me.
Please help me.
Please help J to see why he loved me so much for over 20 years and come out of this mid-life crisis thing.
Going to do some gratitudes right now...
CoDA Work This Morning
Thank you, God, for this day.
I woke up and I feel:
Horrible.
I'm breathless.
I feel like I can't even do the feelings magnets.
But I'll try.
I feel kind of more numb than anything.
Which isn't good, CoDA-wise. Supposed to get in touch with feelings.
Okay. So.
I woke up an I feel:
1. Lonely, hindered, sad, regretful, left out, frightened, broken, desolate, encumbered, bypassed, disconnected, estranged, inept
AND
2. Defeated
AND
3. Blessed, grateful, sacred
AND
4. Hand issues
AND
5. Healthy
AND
6. Loving, in a way
I think it is because:
1. J.
J waning to be without me.
Thanksgiving.
All those years we couldn't see his family, because of him. And now he does. And *I* want to!
When he starts feeling better about himself, he dumps me.
I have to not see my mother on Thanksgiving, in order for her to not know about us, which makes me feel literally sick. Literally.
All these people - I just - lost.
2. Foodwise
3. I know I have a million things to be grateful for, and how much worse it could be.
4. Don't know why. Salt?
5. Chest getting better?
Healthy overall. And very grateful for that.
6. Loving, in a way. But toward J. So not good.
I acted out codependently:
Ate too much last night.
Still haven't fixed bed.
I know. I know.
I'm sorry and embarrassed enough.
Doing all I can to get through.
Next time I'll do differently:
Pray for help more.
I woke up and I feel:
Horrible.
I'm breathless.
I feel like I can't even do the feelings magnets.
But I'll try.
I feel kind of more numb than anything.
Which isn't good, CoDA-wise. Supposed to get in touch with feelings.
Okay. So.
I woke up an I feel:
1. Lonely, hindered, sad, regretful, left out, frightened, broken, desolate, encumbered, bypassed, disconnected, estranged, inept
AND
2. Defeated
AND
3. Blessed, grateful, sacred
AND
4. Hand issues
AND
5. Healthy
AND
6. Loving, in a way
I think it is because:
1. J.
J waning to be without me.
Thanksgiving.
All those years we couldn't see his family, because of him. And now he does. And *I* want to!
When he starts feeling better about himself, he dumps me.
I have to not see my mother on Thanksgiving, in order for her to not know about us, which makes me feel literally sick. Literally.
All these people - I just - lost.
2. Foodwise
3. I know I have a million things to be grateful for, and how much worse it could be.
4. Don't know why. Salt?
5. Chest getting better?
Healthy overall. And very grateful for that.
6. Loving, in a way. But toward J. So not good.
I acted out codependently:
Ate too much last night.
Still haven't fixed bed.
I know. I know.
I'm sorry and embarrassed enough.
Doing all I can to get through.
Next time I'll do differently:
Pray for help more.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
As Long As I
stay in the moment,
I'm okay.
As soon as I worry about the future, even the near future like a day or two away,
I get into trouble.
For example, right now:
I feel relaxed in this moment.
Healthy foods all day. Nice with kiddies. Relaxing right now. Warm and cozy in little house...
As soon as I worry about J and Thanksgiving and my mother and Thanksgiving, and where will J be in a month or 6 or 12 - trouble.
So - mindfulness.
THIS moment is all that exists.
As I have personally in person heard Thich Nhat Hahn say, myself:
"Life is only available in the present moment."
Amen.
I'm okay.
As soon as I worry about the future, even the near future like a day or two away,
I get into trouble.
For example, right now:
I feel relaxed in this moment.
Healthy foods all day. Nice with kiddies. Relaxing right now. Warm and cozy in little house...
As soon as I worry about J and Thanksgiving and my mother and Thanksgiving, and where will J be in a month or 6 or 12 - trouble.
So - mindfulness.
THIS moment is all that exists.
As I have personally in person heard Thich Nhat Hahn say, myself:
"Life is only available in the present moment."
Amen.
CoDA Practice Right Now
So, instead of obsessing about J right this minute,
I need to say to self:
Stop. No.
*Right now* I am watching Koko's Kitten with 44 second graders.
And we are *all* loving it.
And I am typing this. For me.
This minute is about me. Not him.
Okay...
I need to say to self:
Stop. No.
*Right now* I am watching Koko's Kitten with 44 second graders.
And we are *all* loving it.
And I am typing this. For me.
This minute is about me. Not him.
Okay...
Affirmations
I encounter love in all my relationships and I love these encounters.
I deserve love and I get it in abundance.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I love myself and everybody else and in return everybody loves me.
Everywhere I go, I find love. Life is joyous.
My partner and I are perfect match for each other and the love between us is divine.
I give out love and it is returned to me multiplied.
I deserve love and I get it in abundance.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I have attracted the most loving person in my life and life is now full of joy.
I love myself and everybody else and in return everybody loves me.
Everywhere I go, I find love. Life is joyous.
My partner and I are perfect match for each other and the love between us is divine.
I give out love and it is returned to me multiplied.
Dear God
Dear God,
I need you.
I have waved the white flag.
I give up.
Help me, please.
And please get us back together in your time.
Amen.
I need you.
I have waved the white flag.
I give up.
Help me, please.
And please get us back together in your time.
Amen.
Grats
I am grateful:
1. Kale yesterday
2. And more for today
3. Healthy breakfast soon this morning
4. Some sleep last night
5. Not coughing when lying down
6. Heat in the house
7. New furnace
8. Although I have a cough, I can breathe on my own and am so very grateful for that.
9. The concepts in the book The Secret
10. That J. called last night.
11. And was nice.
12. I think he has some ambivalence. I could be wrong. But I’m grateful if he does.
13. My time with M’s class yesterday.
14. That I gave her the present for her daughters.
15. That I am not sitting here listening to the old furnace making all those noises, and wondering how long it might last.
16. Lifeline with AutoAlert. Maybe I’ll switch to that one for my mother.
17. Soup
18. My eyesight
19. Being more in a state of gratitude lately.
20. Today’s For Today: “It is impossible to live pleasurably without living wisely, well and justly, and impossible to live wisely, well and justly without living pleasurably.” Epicurus
21. “Living pleasurably meant giving myself all the food I wanted when I wanted it.” I am grateful to recognize myself in this line.
22. “Unlike normal people, who partake of the pleasure of eating with moderation, I was hooked on food.” And here too.
23. “Soon, what once seemed pleasurable began exacting a price that drained all my resources – physical, emotional and spiritual.” Yes. And it’s a gift that that happens.
24. “I learned what all addicts eventually come to know: it is impossible to use any substance or activity to excess – be it food, alcohol, drugs or gambling – and live either wisely or pleasurably.” I’m glad to be hearing this and finally figuring it out.
25. “For today: I ask the help of a Power greater tan myself to moderate my eating and give myself the pleasure of living wisely, well and justly.”
26. And this is true with tv also. I’m glad that last night I did a little piano during tv time.
27. I’m glad that I don’t eat palm oil anymore, because of the unbearably things I saw that they do to the orangutans.
28. And that Earth Balance does not do that, according to their long explanatory statement that Mad showed me
29. Oh wow. This is deep. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “I used to want things to be clearly black or white, so the rules were known and static. That way when I emerged from a time lost to bingeing, nothing would have changed.” Yes. I recognize that. A lot.
30. “I don’t want that anymore.
31. “This is stagnation and a slow, agonizing death at the hands of my disease of compulsive overeating.” Yes. Wow.
32. “Today I know that change is constant.
33. “I can choose to judge that as a negative, victimizing problem, or as a dynamic evolution toward a healthy, happy, and hopeful reality filled with wonder and awe.
34. “I choose the wonder and awe when I ‘assume a posture of humility,’
35. “give thanks for my life to my Higher Power
36. “and ask for another day of abstinence
37. “and the opportunity to do service for others.”
38. Today’s In This Moment: “I was brought up with the ‘food will solve everything’ mentality. Fall down? Have a cookie. Relationship problems? Ice cream to the rescue. Bad day at work? Donuts in the break room.
39. “I now realize that when I’m craving chocolate there’s usually something going on internally; an issue needs to be dealt with.
40. “…but I also need to take some action: call a friend, go to a meeting, connect with my sponsor, or write in my journal.
41. “Food doesn’t solve my problems.”
42. And that is in the CoDA book, not the OA book. Guess I needed to see that too.
43. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Gratitude and acceptance are two magic tricks available to us in recovery.
44. “No matter who we are, where we are, or what we have, gratitude and acceptance work.
45. “We may eventually become so happy that we realize our present circumstances are good.” Oh yay!
46. “Or we master our present circumstances and then move forward into the next set of circumstances.” Ok too.
47. “If we become stuck, miserable, feeling trapped and hopeless, try gratitude and acceptance.
48. “If we have tried unsuccessfully to alter our present circumstances and have begun to feel like we’re beating our head against a brick wall, try gratitude and acceptance.
49. “If we feel like all is dark and the night will never end, try gratitude and acceptance.
50. “If we feel scared and uncertain, try gratitude and acceptance.
51. “If we’ve tried everything else and nothing seems to work, try gratitude and acceptance.
52. “If we’ve been fighting something, try gratitude and acceptance.
53. “When all else fails, go back to the basics.
54. “Gratitude and acceptance work.
55. “Today, God, help me let go of my resistance.
56. “Help me know that pain of a circumstance will stop hurting so much if I accept it.” Oh I hope so.
57. “I will practice the basics of gratitude and acceptance in my life, and for all my present circumstance.” Okay. Must do that. Yes.
58. That I can swallow.
59. That my heart works
60. And my lungs
61. And I do not have any dread disease (except compulsive overeating).
62. That I have been to Disneyland
63. I am grateful that J loved me for as long as he did, and that he may still.
64. I am grateful for warm clothes.
65. And that I will buy a coat soon, I think.
66. And even makeup.
67. And a little perfume.
68. And the shopping fun I’ve had with O.
69. And reading with MA.
70. Water
71. Word Mines – Dell
72. Spellathon
73. Figgerits
74. Quotation Puzzles
75. Baths
76. Showers
77. Phone calls
78. Hot lunch for today
79. Greens for today
80. Hot tea
81. When not talking, not coughing.
82. Used a couple minutes to practice piano last night.
83. Traffic reports
84. Weather reports
85. That I’ve never been in a really serious accident with long-term bodily damage.
86. That I healed from that accident that cost me a year.
87. Hope.
88. Good books.
89. Boggle
90. That I’m not quite as shy and scared as I used to be.
91. God in my life
92. Eating better
93. My hands
94. And all they can do. Typing.
95. Piano
96. Writing
97. Sewing
98. Embroidery
99. Crochet
100. Knitting
1. Kale yesterday
2. And more for today
3. Healthy breakfast soon this morning
4. Some sleep last night
5. Not coughing when lying down
6. Heat in the house
7. New furnace
8. Although I have a cough, I can breathe on my own and am so very grateful for that.
9. The concepts in the book The Secret
10. That J. called last night.
11. And was nice.
12. I think he has some ambivalence. I could be wrong. But I’m grateful if he does.
13. My time with M’s class yesterday.
14. That I gave her the present for her daughters.
15. That I am not sitting here listening to the old furnace making all those noises, and wondering how long it might last.
16. Lifeline with AutoAlert. Maybe I’ll switch to that one for my mother.
17. Soup
18. My eyesight
19. Being more in a state of gratitude lately.
20. Today’s For Today: “It is impossible to live pleasurably without living wisely, well and justly, and impossible to live wisely, well and justly without living pleasurably.” Epicurus
21. “Living pleasurably meant giving myself all the food I wanted when I wanted it.” I am grateful to recognize myself in this line.
22. “Unlike normal people, who partake of the pleasure of eating with moderation, I was hooked on food.” And here too.
23. “Soon, what once seemed pleasurable began exacting a price that drained all my resources – physical, emotional and spiritual.” Yes. And it’s a gift that that happens.
24. “I learned what all addicts eventually come to know: it is impossible to use any substance or activity to excess – be it food, alcohol, drugs or gambling – and live either wisely or pleasurably.” I’m glad to be hearing this and finally figuring it out.
25. “For today: I ask the help of a Power greater tan myself to moderate my eating and give myself the pleasure of living wisely, well and justly.”
26. And this is true with tv also. I’m glad that last night I did a little piano during tv time.
27. I’m glad that I don’t eat palm oil anymore, because of the unbearably things I saw that they do to the orangutans.
28. And that Earth Balance does not do that, according to their long explanatory statement that Mad showed me
29. Oh wow. This is deep. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “I used to want things to be clearly black or white, so the rules were known and static. That way when I emerged from a time lost to bingeing, nothing would have changed.” Yes. I recognize that. A lot.
30. “I don’t want that anymore.
31. “This is stagnation and a slow, agonizing death at the hands of my disease of compulsive overeating.” Yes. Wow.
32. “Today I know that change is constant.
33. “I can choose to judge that as a negative, victimizing problem, or as a dynamic evolution toward a healthy, happy, and hopeful reality filled with wonder and awe.
34. “I choose the wonder and awe when I ‘assume a posture of humility,’
35. “give thanks for my life to my Higher Power
36. “and ask for another day of abstinence
37. “and the opportunity to do service for others.”
38. Today’s In This Moment: “I was brought up with the ‘food will solve everything’ mentality. Fall down? Have a cookie. Relationship problems? Ice cream to the rescue. Bad day at work? Donuts in the break room.
39. “I now realize that when I’m craving chocolate there’s usually something going on internally; an issue needs to be dealt with.
40. “…but I also need to take some action: call a friend, go to a meeting, connect with my sponsor, or write in my journal.
41. “Food doesn’t solve my problems.”
42. And that is in the CoDA book, not the OA book. Guess I needed to see that too.
43. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Gratitude and acceptance are two magic tricks available to us in recovery.
44. “No matter who we are, where we are, or what we have, gratitude and acceptance work.
45. “We may eventually become so happy that we realize our present circumstances are good.” Oh yay!
46. “Or we master our present circumstances and then move forward into the next set of circumstances.” Ok too.
47. “If we become stuck, miserable, feeling trapped and hopeless, try gratitude and acceptance.
48. “If we have tried unsuccessfully to alter our present circumstances and have begun to feel like we’re beating our head against a brick wall, try gratitude and acceptance.
49. “If we feel like all is dark and the night will never end, try gratitude and acceptance.
50. “If we feel scared and uncertain, try gratitude and acceptance.
51. “If we’ve tried everything else and nothing seems to work, try gratitude and acceptance.
52. “If we’ve been fighting something, try gratitude and acceptance.
53. “When all else fails, go back to the basics.
54. “Gratitude and acceptance work.
55. “Today, God, help me let go of my resistance.
56. “Help me know that pain of a circumstance will stop hurting so much if I accept it.” Oh I hope so.
57. “I will practice the basics of gratitude and acceptance in my life, and for all my present circumstance.” Okay. Must do that. Yes.
58. That I can swallow.
59. That my heart works
60. And my lungs
61. And I do not have any dread disease (except compulsive overeating).
62. That I have been to Disneyland
63. I am grateful that J loved me for as long as he did, and that he may still.
64. I am grateful for warm clothes.
65. And that I will buy a coat soon, I think.
66. And even makeup.
67. And a little perfume.
68. And the shopping fun I’ve had with O.
69. And reading with MA.
70. Water
71. Word Mines – Dell
72. Spellathon
73. Figgerits
74. Quotation Puzzles
75. Baths
76. Showers
77. Phone calls
78. Hot lunch for today
79. Greens for today
80. Hot tea
81. When not talking, not coughing.
82. Used a couple minutes to practice piano last night.
83. Traffic reports
84. Weather reports
85. That I’ve never been in a really serious accident with long-term bodily damage.
86. That I healed from that accident that cost me a year.
87. Hope.
88. Good books.
89. Boggle
90. That I’m not quite as shy and scared as I used to be.
91. God in my life
92. Eating better
93. My hands
94. And all they can do. Typing.
95. Piano
96. Writing
97. Sewing
98. Embroidery
99. Crochet
100. Knitting
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