Sunday, July 31, 2011

Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

I am grateful:

1. July 29 Language of Letting Go: “today, I will et myself have some fun with life. I will loosen up a bit, knowing I won’t crack and break. God, help me let go of my need to be so inhibited, proper, and repressed. Help me inject a big dose of life into myself by letting myself be fully alive and human.
2. I am grateful that I’ve gotten through this lonely day so far.
3. Oh, and now I just opened this and it’s a really good time for me to see it. July 29 For Today: “Putting my faith in this program means letting go what I have in the expectation of something better.
4. “I must be prepared for moments of confusion and upheaval, feelings of uncertainty and, yes, even fear. However useless or destructive the old may be, it is given up with difficulty.
5. “…everything I turn over to my higher Power is taken care of far better than I could have imagined.
6. And this: “For today: What I need most to turn over to God is already clear to me.”
7. And today’s For Today: “I can experience resentment as a feeling, rather than have it consume me.
8. “It is all right. I am not acting it out – running, escaping, whirling into insanity.”
9. And may I remember this part: “I reach for the telephone,
10. the Big Book,
11. come face to face with a friend.
12. “I am not alone, nor am I frightened.
13. “Resentment is a feeling, not a deed.
14. “I can experience much without wreaking havoc.
15. “I can speak my thoughts, show my ‘bad side,’ and God – and my fellow OAs – accept me without reservation.
16. “For today: Thank God for the healing power of this program.”
17. Voices of Recovery July 29 “…we are free at last.” OA 12 & 12 p. 51
18. And it goes on to say: “On my bike ride I see the tower of the state prison far in the distance. I am reminded of the freedom I have from the prison of compulsive overeating.
19. And “I am grateful that I have recovery but am mindful that the disease is always there, on the horizon.’
20. And that “OA is a spiritual program. It means living a spiritual life.”
21. And “Recovery comes and remains by being faithful to surrender,
22. prayer,
23. and meditation on a daily basis.
24. And that “Each day I need to renew my commitment to abstinence,
25. live the Twelve Steps,
26. and follow my food plan. Only by doing this can I be confident that compulsive overeating will remain in the far distance.
27. I’m grateful for this realization: Since it is vacation, if there’s a day where I do nothing, but don’t get depressed *and * don’t eat badly, that’s good! And good enough.
28. I’m grateful that I was able to enjoy a bit of royal tv stuff today, while doing other things.
29. I’m grateful for yesterday’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I forgive.”
30. And this! “I forgive myself.
31. “I forgive myself for hurting others.
32. “I forgive others for hurting me.
33. “Forgiveness does not mean that I sanction the abuse or pain. It just means that I give the situation over to my Higher Power, so that I may be free from the resentments
34. anger,
35. and pain that keep me from fully experiencing my present.
36. “I may or may not choose to tell someone that I have forgiven them,
37. or do anything about it.
38. “If I am holding on to guilt because of something I did, I make appropriate amends.
39. And this! “I no longer feel shame for who I am.
40. “I am whole.
41. “I am lovable.”
42. And I’m grateful for today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I’m changing my behavior.” Thank God!
43. And it says, “When I make amends, not only do I apologize for the harms I’ve caused in the past, but I also commit to change my behavior in the future.
44. And it reminds me, “Although the other person may benefit, it’s not about the other person; it’s about my own peace of mind and spirit.
45. And that “Walking through a difficult amends cleanses my soul.
46. “Making amends, I become spiritually whole.”
47. And I think I’m ready now to find out for real how to continue on and “finish” my step 8 so I can move on to step 9.
48. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Accepting Powerlessness.” Important.
49. “Since I’ve been a child, I’ve been in an antagonistic relationship with an important emotional part of myself: my feelings.” Me too!
50. “I have consistently tried to either ignore, repress, or force my feelings away.
51. And “I have tried to create unnatural feelings or force away feelings that were present.” These are all so true of me! So I’m grateful to see them here.
52. And – I’m grateful that I’m not doing them so much anymore!
53. It goes on to say: “I’ve denied I was angry, when in fact I was furious.
54. “I have told myself there must be something wrong with me for feeling angry, when anger was a reasonable and logical response to the situation.” Wow. That’s healing to read.
55. And “I have told myself things didn’t hurt, when they hurt very much. I have told myself stories such as ‘That person didn’t mean to hurt me’ . . . ‘He or she doesn’t know any better’ . . . ‘I need to be more understanding.’ The problem was that I had already been too understanding of the other person and not understanding and compassionate enough with myself.” Well, to some degree. Not fully about the other though, I think.
56. It then says: “It has not just been the large feelings I have been at war with; I have been battling the whole emotional aspect of myself. I have tried to use spiritual energy, mental energy, and even physical exertion to not feel what I need to feel to be healthy and alive.” Gulp. Yeah.
57. “I didn’t succeed at my attempts to control emotions.
58. “Emotional control has been a survival behavior for me. I can thank that behavior for helping me get through many years and situations where I didn’t have any better options. But I hae learned a healthier behavior – accepting my feelings.
59. “We are meant to feel.
60. “Part of our dysfunction is trying to deny or change that.
61. “Part of our recovery means learning to go with the flow of what we’re feeling
62. and what our feelings are trying to tell us.
63. “We are responsible for our behaviors, but we do not have to control our feelings. We can let them happen.
64. And even: “We can learn to embrace, enjoy, and experience – feel – the emotional part of ourselves.
65. “Today, I will stop trying to force and control my emotions. Instead, I will give power and freedom to the emotional part of myself.”
66. But – I know that does NOT mean let my ACTIONS run wild.
67. Next morning – I am so grateful that there are comments on my blog today! Sweet beautiful comments!
68. Birdie called me dear one.
69. JJ is there.
70. Birdie is eating well, yay.
71. I am grateful that MA called last night.
72. And was willing to go out, but I was too tired. But I’m glad she asked.
73. And we *might * get together today – with or without others.
74. And that Ma called.
75. And is driving me to church with her today. I’m nervous about it but grateful.
76. And that although I’ll miss her so much, doggie is going back today. She won’t be alone while I’m in my course.
77. And that I have been able to feel her against me these past few nights.
78. And that I had some pleasantish dreams last night, not like the nightmares of the night before.
79. And that I think I’m finally ready to commit to my OA program. Maybe have finally learned my lesson.
80. I am grateful for Today’s For Today: “For today: Prayer is not logical, and yet it works. Where rational intelligence fails, I place my faith in a source of help that is beyond my understanding and know that I will receive what I need.” Wow. May that be true!
81. Summer. I’m just grateful for summer. I dreaded it, but I need this time.
82. Today’s Voices of Recovery really speaks to me. It says, “Relapse is not inevitable.” A Plan of Eating, page 9
83. It goes on to say this: “I had such a history of relapse that my sponsor said, ‘If nothing changes, nothing changes.’ That meant drastic change in every area of my life – one day at a time.
84. “My life was permeated by bad habits.” As mine has been.
85. “Breaking bad habits can require lots of prayer and willingness.” Okay, that means with those it *can * be done.
86. “At first, just driving past the restaurant or grocery store and heading for a safe place took every ounce of willingness I could muster.” Yes, that’s me too.
87. But it says “But every time I do that, it gets easier the next time.” Good
88. And “Just for today, I can do this.
89. “All of the power of the universe is behind every prayer, every attempt to do things a little bit better today than I did yesterday.
90. “It really is a new day.
91. “I now know what works and what doesn’t.
92. “I can, for today, be kind to myself and to my body.
93. “I can be my own best friend.” Wow.
94. “Even if I am taking baby steps in the direction of my dreams, I will get there.” Hope.
95. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I feel my feelings.” I know this is important and am glad my “feelings box” came and I can return K’s to her.
96. Then it says: “My feelings do not define me.” That’s a new thought for me!
97. “They are neither good nor bad – they just are.” I am able to teach this to my students, but need to learn it myself.
98. And “How long I hold onto my feelings, especially resentments, is my choice.” Wow. I think my worst resentments are the ones against myself.
99. “If I feel overwhelmed by my feelings, I take a time out. I respect the place where I am. I acknowledge my feelings.
100. “They won’t go away simply because I ignore or deny them.
101. “I need to share them with someone I trust.” (Dr? Friend? Blog?)

Affirmations Today

God made me.
God is there - here - for me.
Some people are helping me find Him.
I am a good person.
I am becoming more feminine again.
I can change and grow.
I am doing so.
I have friends.
I have piano.
I have flowers.
I have doggie about half-time, and love her full-time.
J. will be back. Our marriage is being healed as we grow and change.
I am okay.
I will be okay.

Special Thank You to Commenters

I am so grateful to *you.*
I am so lonely in the mornings, waking up depressed, some days moreso than others.

Then you pop up, and I am not alone in cyberspace.

Thank you so much for being there.

I believe I am a child of God, as are you. We have our talents, our gifts, our strengths, our lives. I believe we are meant to use, share, and enjoy them. Doing this work is helping me do so. *You* are so dear to me. So important. You are on my daily prayer list, truly. (I don't put it here because I keep it private on Microsoft Word).

May you have health, fulfillment, and fun!

Thank you!

And Birdie - eating well since you moved - I am so happy for you!

Thank you each who reads, each who sometimes comments. You are friends in my heart. And you are helping someone who helps others (students). So there is a perduring quality to your goodness.

Love to you, dear ones!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

I am grateful:

1. I bought the makeup yesterday. It was time. Haven’t bought ANY in a year; some, longer than that. Plus should NOT use old makeup for sure.
2. That while there, saw the major shoe sale. Not too expensive to begin with, they were all on those racks 50% off, and many had a 20% coupon as well. I finally have enough shoes to look and feel good at work.
3. That for winter, when I need shoes again, I will be careful with prices *and * not overbuy. Then *after * season, will try to do sale like this one for winter shoes. Because I am good with shoes and don’t need to have many plus keep them for years and years, I feel good about this: )
4. That O got her makeup done and felt and looked great.
5. And that she had a sort of date last night, which I expect went well.
6. That M was so grateful that I did the paper and got it to her in time.
7. And I’m so happy to have been able to do something for her!
8. And that I did *not * give in to the sticker books for kids impulse buy. Which would have been 28 dollars! Ay that I didn’t do it!
9. That I did make it to my piano lesson yesterday. I was really nervous because of how long it takes me to accomplish so little and was concerned about “playing” in front of my teacher.
10. But she made me feel safe. I’m grateful.
11. And – she was impressed with how I’d done the Bach.
12. And – she was able to show me what to do with it next.
13. And she gave me some great hints about the Chopin.
14. Plus played it for me again.
15. And I do love it.
16. In fact, I love them both.
17. And I’m proud of myself for being so careful in selecting them so that I’d not tire of them before I could play them!
18. And I’m proud of myself for the practicing I’ve done.
19. And – I’m grateful that I enjoyed it too.
20. And that I practiced today.
21. And it was more meaningful practice
22. Because teacher showed me more about the *composition * of the pieces.
23. And when I play the Bach the best I can as chords, it really sounds like an organ in a church.
24. And when I play it as written, it puts me in mind of sort of a harpsichord.
25. And I’m grateful for the great book I’ve found.
26. And that I’ve read so much of it.
27. And learned from it.
28. And that there is still hope for my marriage with J.
29. And that I accept him and whatever he feels. Finally. And calmly.
30. And that he is open to listening to an idea. I am very grateful for that.
31. And that I haven’t eaten any real junk today.
32. I’m grateful that I’m *doing * this work today. Because I’ve sunk in it a bit these few days. And I know I need to be back so I’m glad I am.
33. Like in Language of Letting Go July 25, it says: “Keep practicing our recovery behaviors, even when they feel awkward, even when they haven’t quite taken yet, even if you don’t get it yet.” I know this is a repeat, so I’ll add at end. But it is important.
34. And it says, “We need to work at recovery behaviors with the diligence, effort, and repeated practice we applied to codependent behaviors.” Wow.
35. And “We need to force ourselves to do things even when they don’t feel natural.
36. “We need to tell ourselves we care about ourselves and can take care of ourselves even when we don’t believe what we’re saying.
37. “We need to do it, and do it, and do it – day after day, year after year.
38. “We may have to ‘act as if’ for months, years, before recovery behaviors become ingrained and natural.”
39. And – I don’t think I’ll be among the slowest, but rather among the quickest. I’m already changing!
40. And it says, “Keep on taking care of yourself, no matter what
41. And “Keep on plugging away at recovery behaviors, one day at a time.
42. “Keep on loving yourself, even when it doesn’t feel natural.
43. “Act as if for as long as necessary, even if that time period feels longer than necessary.
44. And it says, “Today, I will plug away at my recovery behaviors, even if they don’t feel natural. I will force myself to go through the motions even if that feels awkward. I will work at loving myself until I really do.”
45. Then on July 26 it says, “Don’t you see? We do not have to be so victimized by life, by people, by situations, by work, by our friends, by our love relationships, by our family, by ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts, our circumstances.
46. And “We are not victims. WE do not have to be victims. That is the whole point!
47. “Yes, admitting and accepting powerlessness is important. But that is a first step, an introduction to this business of recovery. Later, comes owning our power.
48. “Changing what we can. This is as important as admitting and accepting powerlessness. And there is so much we can change.
49. “We can own our power, wherever we are, wherever we go, whoever we are with.
50. “We do not have to stand there with our hands tied, groveling helplessly, submitting to whatever comes along.
51. “There are things we can do. We can speak up.
52. “Solve the problem.
53. “Use the problem to do something good for ourselves.
54. “We can make ourselves feel good.
55. “We can walk away.
56. “We can come back on our terms.
57. “We can stand up for ourselves.
58. “We can refuse to let others control and manipulate us.
59. “We can do what we need to do to take care of ourselves.”
60. And I have started to do that!
61. “We can do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. That is the beauty, the reward, the crown of victory we are given in this process called recovery. It is what it is all about!
62. And it says this: “If we can’t do anything about the circumstance, we can change our attitude.
63. “We can do the work within: courageously face *our * issues so we are not victimized.
64. “We have been given a miraculous key to life. We are victims no more unless we want to be.
65. “Freedom and joy are ours for the taking, for the feeling, for the hard work we have done.
66. And it says: “Today, I will remind myself as often as necessary that I am not a victim, and I do not need to be victimized by whatever comes my way. I will work hard to remove myself as a victim, whether that means setting and enforcing a boundary, walking away, dealing with my feelings, or giving myself what I need. God, help me let go of my need to feel victimized.”
67. On the 27th it says: “Stop trying so hard to control things. It is not our job to control people, outcomes, circumstances, life. Maybe in the past we couldn’t trust and let things happen. But we can now. The way life is unfolding is good. Let it unfold.
68. “Stop trying so hard to do better, be better, be more. Who we are and the way we do things is good enough for today.
69. And even this: “Who we were and the way we did things yesterday was good enough for that day.
70. “Ease up on ourselves. Let go. Stop trying so hard.
71. “Today, I will let go. I will stop trying to control everything. I will stop trying to make myself be and do better, and I will let myself be.” I think I’ve seen these and gratituded them, so I’ll do a lot extra at end today.
72. July 28: On fear. “Don’t panic.”
73. “Problems were made to be solved.
74. “Life was made to be lived.
75. “Although sometimes we may be in over our heads – yes, we may even go under for a few moments and gulp a few mouthfuls of water, we won’t drown.
76. “We’re wearing – and always have been wearing – a life jacket. That support jacket is called ‘God.’
77. “Today, I will remember to take care of myself. When I get in over my head, God is there supporting me – even when my fears try to make me forget.”
78. And on the 29th: “Have some fun. Loosen up a bit. Enjoy life!
79. “We do not have to be so somber and serious. We do not have to be so reflective, so critical, so bound up within ourselves and the rigid parameters others, and often ourselves, have placed around us.
80. And this! “This is life, not a funeral service. Have some fun with it.
81. “Enter into it.
82. “Participate.
83. “Experiment.
84. “Take a risk.
85. “Be spontaneous.
86. “Do not always be so concerned about doing it right, doing the *appropriate * thing.
87. “Do not always be so concerned about what others will think or say. What they think and say are their issues not ours.
88. “Do not be so afraid of making a mistake.
89. “Do not be so fearful and proper.
90. “do not inhibit yourself so much.
91. “God did not intend us to be so inhibited, so restricted, so controlled.
92. “These repressive parameters are what other people have imposed on us, what we have allowed to be done to us.
93. “We were created fully human.”
94. Wait a minute. That means *I * was created fully human. Fully.
95. “We were given emotions, desires, hopes, dreams, feelings.
96. “There is an alive, excited, fun-loving child in us somewhere!
97. “Let it come out!
98. “Let it come alive!
99. “Let it have some fun – not just for two hours on Saturday evening.
100. “Bring it with us, let it help us enjoy this gift of being alive, being fully human, and being who we are!”
101. Being who I am? Wow.
102. And it goes on to say: “So many rules. So much shame we’ve lived with. It simple isn’t necessary. We have been brainwashed. It is time now to free ourselves, let ourselves go, and enter fully human into a full life.
103. “Don’t worry. WE will learn our lessons when necessary.
104. “We have learned discipline. We will not go awry.
105. “What will happen is that we will begin enjoying life.
106. “We will begin enjoying and experiencing our whole self.”
107. This is a beautiful promise!
108. “We can trust ourselves.”
109. I – can trust myself. Wow.
110. “We have boundaries now.” True.
111. “We have our program for a foundation.” True.
112. “…and our Higher Power.”
113. “We are being guided, but a frozen, inanimate object cannot be guided. It cannot even be moved.
114. “Have some fun. Loosen up a bit. Break a few rules. We won’t be punished by God.
115. “We do not have to allow people to punish us.
116. “And we can stop punishing ourselves.
117. “As long as we’re here and alive, let’s begin to live."

Affirmations

I am wonderful.
I am healthy.
I eat well.
I exercise.
I am womanly.
I am competent.
I am independent.
I am loving.
I am feminine.
I am fun.
I am smart.
I am - a child of God.
I am in a fabulous marriage with J.

Here's Where It All Is

I must clarify for myself where it "all" is.

1. God is in my life.
Yay.

2. I am becoming more whole.
Yay.

3. I am *working on* myself.
Yay.

4. I am also having some fun.
Yay. This is important too.

5. Although notoriously cheap about clothes, for many years, and always for years and years, asking J. to take me shopping ! :(
I have bought some clothes (major sales), shoes (major sales), bras and makeup. Like a woman does for herself.
Yay.
And it feels good.
Yay.

6. I am finding my womanhood for real forever.
Yay.

6. If there's one biggest mistake I've made, it's been fearing the worst. Which is akin to visualizing the worst. And which attracts what I fear.
I refuse to do that now.
I will not live that way.
First of all, I am getting better for *me.*
Secondly, J isn't feeling it, but -
he is willing to listen if I have an idea. I respect him very much for that.
So, while finding the idea, which I'm doing, I am staying positive. That besides doing for *myself,* our marriage just may be saved after all. And it is even more likely
*because*
I believe in that.
I am keeping positive, keeping my prayers positive, and asking those who care about me to keep their thoughts and wishes and prayers positive too.

Believe me,
I am fully prepared to be a wonderful wife in every way. Not like praying in the dark, but real 6 months of change so far and continuing and I do know what I know.

There.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Today's 100 Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. July 26 In This Moment: “In This Moment, I know a new freedom.”
2. This is cool: “I shared about my sister at a meeting recently and realized if I didn’t let go of that issue, God couldn’t take it. Deep inside, I had been feeling responsible for my sister, thinking I was the one to ‘fix’ her. I’ve come to understand the arrogance of that belief. My Higher Power wants me to let go of things that aren’t mine. When I remember this, I feel lighter. One of the CodA Promises has come true. . . ‘I know a new freedom.’”
3. And July 27 In This Moment: “In This Moment, I see the good part of my character.”
4. And: “It’s so easy to find fault with myself.
5. “…I did it to myself for years. I’m changing.”
6. “My Fourth Step helped me to stop making ‘all or nothing’ judgments of my character. I’m not perfect, but I’m not all bad either.
7. “I look for, and acknowledge, my good qualities which I honor in my moral inventory. It helps to balance the scale and create a more realistic picture of myself.”
8. I’m grateful that I took my mom and her friend to lunch yesterday!
9. And I think we had all had a nice time.
10. And O. came too.
11. And I think she had a nice time too.
12. And I’m grateful that my mother happened to *just * call, and said they had a great time.
13. And that she (they) loved the food. I’m happy when my mother is happy.
14. I am grateful that I just e-mailed J. and was able to express that indeed I *am * looking for ideas, lest he think, having called here twice this week and us not mentioning it, that I am not.
15. And I am grateful for doggie being with me right now.
16. That when my dr. just called, it was not to cancel, but to say could he come early. Phew.
17. Next day now. I am grateful that my dr. and I seem to think the same about the only hope for what to offer J.
18. And that dr. was able to bring it a little further for me.
19. And that I’m doing my daily spiritual work here today.
20. And that I explained to piano teacher what it is like for me when I practice. Just getting through the notes even.
21. And she understood.
22. And she said that could be the lesson – her helping me with that too.
23. And that O and I walked doggie in park for long long time today.
24. And we all three had a great time.
25. And exercise.
26. And met other doggies and people. Nice.
27. And the weather is beautiful today.
28. And I practiced piano.
29. And I didn’t get any scary e-mails from J.
30. And my feelings thing from online came and I opened it and it is the right one. Hard to find because out of print so grateful it came.
31. And that I have read some of that book about what to do about my co-dependency and about J. this morning.
32. And will do more today.
33. I am grateful for feeling doggie breathing against me at night these last two nights
34. And for her feeling me, too.
35. And although I wish they were on different nights, I’m really grateful to have a choice between CoDA and churchy thing once a week.
36. Dr. Phil today.
37. Dr. Oz today.
38. M’s call.
39. That I finished that paper.
40. And e-mailed it to her.
41. That O and I will go buy our respective makeup tomorrow.
42. That K called today
43. And MA
44. And Mau yesterday
45. And E today
46. And N today – not lonely today!: )
47. That I had a healthy lunch today.
48. And am doing just 3 meals nothing in between for this day today.
49. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Genuine humility brings an end to the feelings of inadequacy, the self-absorption, and the status-seeking. Humility, as we encounter it in our OA Fellowship, places us exactly where we belong, on an equal footing wit our fellow human beings and in harmony with God.” OA 12 & 12 p. 60
50. “In my compulsive eating days, I rarely experienced humility.
51. “I compared myself to others and felt that I didn’t measure up, that I wasn’t good enough.
52. “I even confused this low opinion of myself with humility. These feeling led me straight to the food.”
53. “Working this program, I am learning to accept myself for who I am.
54. “I strive daily to let go of comparisons and have become more accepting of myself and others.
55. “I find comfort in the belief that my Higher Power’s will for me each day includes being the best person that I can be.
56. “Best of all, the more truly and deeply I believe that I am okay, the more happy and serene I feel.”
57. Interesting – humble comes up in today’s In This Moment as well. “In This Moment, I’m humble.
58. “Before I make amends, I check with my higher Power in prayer.
59. “If I have confusion or doubt – which is most of the time – I check with my sponsor, who shares experience, strength, and hope.
60. “It’s humbling to acknowledge that I’m not perfect, that I have erred.
61. “It takes me out of my self-centeredness to recognize that my actions may have hurt another.”
62. “Making amends isn’t about the outcome or how the other person reacts.
63. “It’s about changing my behavior.
64. “Change is tough, but it’s necessary to my recovery.”
65. Dr. Oz just said, “The first step for anyone who wants to do anything for their help, is starting to take control of their help. It’s gotta start there. Not dependent on others.” I’m grateful I heard this.
66. I don’t know if any of these are repeats. If they are, I certainly need to see/write them again and am grateful for them whether they are or not, as they *feel * brand-new to me! Language of Letting Go, July 23: “Stop trying so hard to make it happen.
67. “Stop doing so much, if doing so much is wearing you out or not achieving the desired results.
68. “Stop thinking so much and so hard about it.
69. “Stop worrying so about it.
70. “Stop trying to force, to manipulate, to coerce, or to make it happen.
71. “Making things happen is controlling. We can take positive action to help things happen. We can do our part. But many of us do much more than our part. We overstep the boundaries from caring and doing our part into controlling, caretaking, and coercing.”
72. These remind me of the word “hostage,” which I heard at CoDA. May I *never * even unconsciously, try to hold someone emotionally hostage. Never again. Grateful to know that painful truth so I can choose otherwise and pray for help with it.
73. “Controlling is self-defeating. It doesn’t work. By overextending ourselves to make something happen, we may actually be stopping it from happening.” Wow.
74. “Do your part in relaxed, peaceful harmony.
75. “Then let it go. Just let it go.
76. “Force yourself to let it go, if necessary. ‘Act as if.’
77. This is important: “Put as much energy into letting go as you have into trying to control.
78. “You’ll get much better results.
79. Ick but yes: “It may not happen. It may not happen the way we wanted it to and hoped it would. But our controlling wouldn’t have made it happen either.
80. “Learn to let things happen because that’s what they’ll do anyway.
81. “And while we’re waiting to see what happens, we’ll be happier and so will those around us.
82. “Today, I will stop forcing things to happen.
83. “Instead, I will allow things to happen naturally.
84. “If I catch myself trying to force events or control people, I will stop and figure out a way to detach.
85. Language of Letting Go July 24, about denial: “Do not be too hard on yourself. While one part of you was busy creating a fantasy-reality, the other part went to work on accepting the truth.
86. “Now it is time to find courage. Face the truth. Let it sink gently in.” And I feel like I’m doing that. What a timing in finding God.
87. “When we can do that, we will be moved forward. God, give me the courage and strength to see clearly.
88. Language of Letting Go July 25, and I really need to hear this: “Keep practicing your recovery behaviors, even when they feel awkward, even when they haven’t quite taken yet, even if you don’t get it yet.
89. “Sometimes it takes years for a recovery concept to move from our mind into our heart and soul. We need to work at recovery behaviors with the diligence, effort, and repeated practice we applied to codependent behaviors.
90. “We need to force ourselves to do things even when they don’t feel natural.
91. “We need to tell ourselves we care about ourselves and can take care of ourselves even when we don’t believe what we’re saying.
92. “we need to do it, and do it, and do it – day after day, year after year.
93. “It is unreasonable to expect this new way of life to sink in overnight. We ma have to ‘act as if’ for months, years, before recovery behaviors become ingrained and natural.
94. “Even after years, we may find ourselves, in times of stress or duress, reverting to old ways of thinking feeling, and behaving.
95. “We may have layers of feelings we aren’t ready to acknowledge until years into our recovery. That’s okay! When it’s time, we will.
96. “Do not give up! It takes time to get self-love into the core of us. It takes repeated practice. Time and experience. Lessons, lessons, and more lessons.
97. “Then, just when we think we’re arrived, we find we have more to learn. That’s the joy of recovery. We get to keep learning and growing all of our life!
98. “Keep on taking care of yourself, no matter what. Keep on plugging away at recovery behaviors, one day at a time.
99. “Keep on loving yourself, even when it doesn’t feel natural.
100. “Act as if for as long as necessary, even if that time period feels longer than necessary.
101. “One day, it will happen. You will wake up, and find that what you’ve been struggling with and working so hard at and forcing yourself to do, finally feels comfortable. It has hit your soul.
102. “Then, you go on to learn something new and better.
103. “Today, I will plug away at my recovery behaviors, even if they don’t feel natural. I will force myself to go through the motions even if that feels awkward I will work at loving myself until I really do.
104. I am grateful that I did all of these.

My Affirmations Today

I am a child of God.
God loves me.
I am enough.
I am able to do the footwork *and* turn over the result.
J. and I heal our marriage.

I am a child of God.
God loves me.
I am enough.
I am able to do the footwork *and* turn over the result.
J. and I heal our marriage.

I am a child of God.
God loves me.
I am enough.
I am able to do the footwork *and* turn over the result.
J. and I heal our marriage.

I am a child of God.
God loves me.
I am enough.
I am able to do the footwork *and* turn over the result.
J. and I heal our marriage.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

My 100 Daily Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Today, I will affirm that I can learn to trust appropriately. I can trust myself, my Higher Power, and recovery. I can learn to appropriately trust others too.”
2. Since I’ll be religiously busy and not seeing book next 2 days, I am looking ahead. Tomorrow’s For Today says, “If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on earth.” Abraham Lincoln
3. “If Lincoln could achieve all that he did feeling such depression, can I not bear feeling down in the dumps occasionally without being driven to the insanity of compulsive overeating?”
4. And it says that, “With the support of the OA program, it is possible to feel a full range of human emotions and remain abstinent.”
5. “Feelings have no power.”
6. “They cannot dictate my actions.”
7. “At times I have stood still and hurt, and at other times I applied for relief by contacting and OA friend or going to a meeting. Both ways work.”
8. “Feeling bad is part of being human. I don’t try to escape it any more than I try to escape feeling good.”
9. C’s psychiatrist who does the blood work and found the serotonin etc. stuff missing in him. Maybe I should have that.
10. I am grateful for my desire now to *live * life rather than *just * PREPARE for it.
11. And my desire to almost go with the flow. It’s a kind of relief. [***Although I *am * afraid that some of the okay feelings today *could be * that I had a *fix * of J last night. I hope not.]
12. Wow. And right after writing about the desire to go with the flow instead of not, I see this in Sunday’s For Today: “the most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious.” Albert Einstein. Wow.
13. Wow wow wow. It goes on to say: “I will probably never understand exactly what happened to me when I came to Overeaters Anonymous. I have no frame of reference for surrender, or spiritual awakening. These events, which happened simultaneously, constitute by far the most beautiful experience of my life.”
14. And: “The gifts placed before me in the wake of this experience are equally mysterious: I am unshakably abstinent; I go through all the ups and downs of my life without having to eat over anything. “
15. “That in itself is miracle enough, but there is more. Each one of the promises of the big Book is coming true.
16. “God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
17. “It is all an incomparably beautiful mystery.
18. “For today: I celebrate the miracle of my new life in OA.”
19. This honest talk with J yesterday is freeing in a way. And I think that’s healthy that I feel that. So maybe I’m not defective after all. Like they say, “God doesn’t make junk.”
20. Huge – tomorrow’s Voices of Recovery: “for many of us, this freedom came when we took Step Three and turned the entire problem over to our Higher Power.” OA 12 & 12 p. 20
21. It says the entire problem. And I think that can refer to all problems.
22. And it says: “… the word freedom appears so many times in all of our literature. I began to think about the freedoms from my disease I gained by working each of the Steps of Overeaters Anonymous: 1) Freedom from the obsession with food
23. 2) Freedom from insanity and hopelessness
24. 3) Freedom from the bondage of self
25. 4) Freedom from dishonesty
26. 5) Freedom from isolation
27. 6) Freedom from running the show
28. 7) Freedom from self-reliance
29. 8) Freedom from blame
30. 9) Freedom from fear of people
31. 10) Freedom from complacency
32. 11) Freedom from loneliness
33. 12) Freedom from lack of purpose
34. Sunday’s Voices of Recovery: “It is important to bear in mind that knowledge about ourselves and our nutritional needs is useless without the kind of help we find in OA, because we remain powerless to apply it.” OA 12 & 12 p. 23
35. And it says: “I have to remind myself of this every day.”
36. I don’ know. But there’s *something * in this. Tomorrow’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I savor my senses. My feelings are real. They are the result of all that my senses report to my brain, based not just n the moment, but also on my history. In the past, I could see and hear, but did not appreciate the way my brain brought al the inputs together. My feelings and reactions build upon all of the information that my senses report. I am aware of my senses and have learned to value them. It is through them that I identify my feelings. I like this journey of self-discovery.
37. Thank you, God, for my senses.
38. And Sunday’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I am a recovering codependent.”
39. And: “I clearly see how I learned to be codependent in my childhood. I was shamed, neglected, invalidated, and forced to take on responsibilities too heavy for my age. Sometimes, people praised and complimented me for my codependent behavior! They couldn’t see that my ‘unselfish’ behavior was damaging.” I am grateful to read that because I can relate to it.
40. And it says: “Now, I am learning healthy new behaviors, communication skills, and ways to respond. I practice my skills by interacting with other recovering codependents. I get support and encouragement from the Fellowship.”
41. Wow – tomorrow’s Language of Letting Go:


Okay. That’s all I got to that day. And now I’m back from the retreat and I will do gratitudes:

I am grateful for these:

1. That I had a real serenity – peace – for *hours * yesterday morning.
2. That I have some peace right now, the next afternoon.
3. That I spent time with Mar this morning.
4. That we started our day together alone in a chapel with the Blessed Sacrament.
5. That I went to the retreat. Even though up until about 10 minutes before I left, packed and everything, I was seriously considering backing out.
6. That it was air conditioned, which I didn’t know for sure in advance…
7. That I made my own food, because I knew theirs wouldn’t be vegan.
8. That I remembered to bring it!
9. That they made room in their packed fridge for it.
10. That they had more than enough fresh cold water for us all at all times.
11. That they had 3 meals a day planned in.
12. And snack time. I didn’t snack, but these were like breaks and time to gather and chat or rest a bit or have some iced tea…
13. And they did *not * do the sleep deprivation thing some retreats have done! Not these people, and I’m grateful for that.
14. That I did this, even without J.
15. That I’ve grown because if I’d been there a year ago, with J., I’d have been dependent on him in my actions, thoughts, my every move, all weekend.
16. That although I was nervous about sharing a room with stranger(s), I let go and just went with it.
17. And there were of us and it was fine.
18. And the bed was comfortable. That was a pleasant surprise.
19. That I had a nice little nap on Sat. afternoon.
20. That I remembered to call my mother two times each day and she was fine.
21. And that I took her to the bank and shopping today.
22. That I ran into V. there.
23. That he was also happy to see me, having not seen each other in about 30 years! Since he was virtually a kid!
24. That he is a spiritual man.
25. And I think, at least he says, he is happy.
26. That Ch came for lunch one day
27. And for a Mass
28. Although I think he felt forced and did not have enough patience about being there, I was glad to see him and I think he was glad to see me, and I believe Mar was glad to see him at least.
29. That Mar. seems to have come to a place where she believes, out of love for Ch, that she *must * try something *different. *
30. That I believe she *is * strong enough to do so.
31. That maybe Ch will start to really get help now, or soon, or soon enough.
32. Maybe even the Amy Winehouse tragedy will help me. Of course I’m sad for her, but since that tragedy has already happened, I’m just saying that I’m grateful that I think *since * it has happened, maybe Ch or others like him might wind up getting help.
33. That I have just heard from friend Jo.
34. That J wrote an e-mail about doggie and it had a nicer tone, and he even asked how the retreat was.
35. And I wrote back.
36. To both.
37. And now, it is Wednesday and I am back to finishing my 100 gratitudes a day. And I am grateful even for that!
38. I am very grateful that I’m just not feeling as hopeless as I was.
39. And that J. said he will “listen” if I have an idea. (Now I need to come up with and idea!)
40. And that inside me, I’m beginning to heal a bit.
41. And that I have felt some peace.
42. And that yesterday I got to hear my piano teacher play the piece I’m working on, and hear how it should sound.
43. And that it’s so beautiful.
44. July 25’s For Today: “The fairest harmony springs from discord.” Aristotle
45. And it says: “It took the twelve-step program to teach me to simply endure, to go straight through a difficult, discordant time without yielding to the urge to escape into the food or to yell for somebody to ‘fix’ it.” Wow. That’s encouraging.
46. And: “My rewards are many: new strengths and capabilities, the peace that comes with acceptance of what is and the joy of knowing I am free.”
47. And “For today: As I practice acceptance of life’s discords, life turns around and gives me harmony.”
48. And this beautiful thing. July 26 For Today: “That is the happiest conversation where there is no competition, no vanity, but a calm, quiet interchange of sentiments.” Samuel Johnson. And that’s like what J. and I had Thursday.
49. And it says, “Even the most competitive people eventually find that there is no need to impress anyone, to prove that they are better than anyone else.” And that is what I want to take over me and J. and I would have *no more * sibling-like competitiveness, please God.
50. “Even the most competitive people eventually find that there is no need to impress anyone, to prove that they are better than anyone else.” Oops – that is the 28th. Oh well. I’ll keep going anyway. I must have turned two pages.
51. Ah. The 26th. I need this too! “The comforts of material possessions do not make up for emotional and spiritual impoverishment. Being a product of this society, I tell myself that if I had this and that, I would feel better. So I get this and that, and I find that my purchasing power does indeed seem to reduce anxiety, but not for long. No matter what I do, it is nonly a distraction and I return again and again to myself.” Very big lesson here. All those times I felt like J. and I: If only we could do the ____room, or finish the ___room…
52. And it goes on to say: “When I am close to my Higher Power and the people I love, I am not aware of the car I drive
53. “the house I live in.
54. “I am not fighting temptation, nor am I wanting and wishing.
55. I am neither afraid nor overconfident.:
56. And “For today: When I am busy cultivating loving relationships, I can easily do without a surprising number of things.” I’m so saddened that I didn’t really know that internally sooner. But grateful to know it now.
57. And the 27th: “He who is being carried does not realize how far the town is.” Nigerian proverb “Dependency is soft and cushy and makes it unnecessary for me to know how far the town is. So, what’s the catch? The catch is that I can never grow past that stage of childhood in which I am an extension of my parents…
58. “I do not choose to stay on that treadmill today.
59. “The OA program of recovery is leading me out of the gilded cage of dependency toward the freedom of thinking for myself.”
60. July 24th voices of Recovery: “It is important to bear in mind that knowledge about ourselves and our nutritional needs is useless without the kind of help we find in OA, because we remain powerless to apply it.” OA 12 & 12 p. 23
61. “I have to remind myself of this every day. It is easy to see OA as another way of losing weight, a means of learning some more tricks.”
62. And now that I’m sponsoring someone, it is extremely important to read this too: “When sponsoring people, I also need to find a balance: a focus on what they have learned that day about themselves, food, and nutrition, and a focus on how a power greater than themselves is helping them get well. It’s about reminding myself that this is a three-fold program – physical, emotional, and spiritual.”
63. This is so important, and I need the help that it gives. July 25th Voices of Recovery: “We have what we need any time we are willing to let go of self-will and humbly ask for help.” OA 127 & 12 p. 27
64. “This seems to be the key to the program and to life: being able to let go of self-will and to reach out to a power greater than myself for help.”
65. “Self-will always seemed such a source of energy. Yet I couldn’t see that this type of energy resulted in a lot of restlessness. There is much more peace in doing the things my Higher Power wants me to do.”
66. “And, to my surprise, this doesn’t mean things don’t get done. I still do the laundry, have a job, cook a healthy meal. It’s just my frame of mind that has changed.”
67. Wow. This is huge. And was at first hard to accept. But I see it now and am grateful for that. Here it comes:
68. Voices of Recover July 26: “your commitment to abstinence from compulsive overeating is the most important thing in your life without exception!” From –Before You Take That First Compulsive Bite, Remember…
69. It says: “I read the first paragraph of this pamphlet every morning to remind myself of my priorities. Abstinence is more important than anything else. I apply it in all areas. Abstinence is a higher priority than my family. Without it, I’m no good to my family anyway.” This is so true. I am in a fog, a daze, a state of “need” and of anger and of disappointment and of restlessness and of emotional lability when I am not abstinent. And lack of control over my emotions and how I react to them. Terrible. I do *NOT * want that back!
70. And it goes on to say, “Abstinence is a higher priority than my work. If I’m not abstinent, then my work isn’t going to go as well.
71. “I can make all the money I want, but if I don’t have abstinence, I’m never going to enjoy it.” So true. Not that I’ve made so much money, but even without having to worry about say, putting food on the table, I’ve always still worried when not abstinent.
72. “Abstinence helps me stay in the present.” And this is *very * important!
73. I am better able to develop that relationship with my Higher Power, and that’s what OA is all about.
74. I am grateful that I did write a thank-you to the people who did the retreat for us.
75. And July 27th Voices of Recovery: “We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.” Step One. Good reminder! Especially after last night.
76. And it says: “As I was preparing my food one day, struggling to ‘get it right,’ ‘figure it out,’ and ‘control it,’ I recognized that ‘control is not one of the promises.’
77. I am, and always will be, powerless over my food,
78. my thinking,
79. and my life.
80. *”All my attempts at control have brought me to the same place over and over again – loss of control.” ! *
81. “That’s what all my days of dieting had been about. I was OA”s equivalent to a dry drunk.”
82. “There is a power, whom I choose to call God, that can restore me to sanity, sobriety, and abstinence.
83. “I cannot do that myself, any more than I can remove my character defects.
84. “Working the Twelve Steps is about learning to accept the gifts of willingness, surrender, sanity, serenity, and humility from my Higher Power.
85. “God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself so that I can carry that message to those still suffering.
86. “I can’t keep my program unless I give it away; I can’t give it away unless I accept it.” Wow.
87. That I just wrote to Mar about the Blessed Sacrament and when we can pray there.
88. June 24 In This Moment, but I turned to it by accident, thinking it was July 24, and I did really need to see it today. It is about self-care. “…CoDA has led me to understand that I need to focus on myself first. This does not mean that others, whom I love, will suffer. They’ll still love me. It means that I am better able to look after myself. Only then can I interact with my family with energy and enthusiasm.”
89. In This Moment July 21: “In This Moment, I’m in the right place. On a hot, steamy day in July, I walked to my first CoDA meeting. I was lonely and feeling a lot of pain. After getting a wrong address and walking six extra blocks, I finally found the building. The sign outside read, ‘This is the place.’ And it was the place where I found acceptance, safety, healthy behavior, friends, recovery, and hope.”
90. July 22 In This Moment: “In This Moment, I seek interdependence.’
91. “I’ve had my share of broken relationships. Not until I began attending CoDA was I able to see my part in the breakups.” I think I’ve read this one already, but I needed to see it again today anyway and am grateful I did.
92. July 24 In This Moment: “In This Moment, I am a recovering codependent.”
93. “I clearly see how I learned to be codependent in my childhood. I was shamed, neglected, invalidated, and forced to take on responsibilities too heavy for my age. Sometimes, people praised and complimented me for my codependent behavior! They couldn’t see that my ‘unselfish’ behavior was damaging.” This one too, I feel like I’ve read but I’m glad to be reading it again.
94. And it goes on to say: “Now, I am learning healthy new behaviors, communication skills, and ways to respond.
95. “I practice my skills by interacting with other recovering codependents. I get support and encouragement from the Fellowship.” Okay. And may that continue to be true for me.
96. July 25 In This Moment: “IN This Moment, I feel safe.” Wow. Nice.
97. And I have actually put “safe” on my feelings board for 2 or 3 days now, since the retreat. Wow. I am grateful for that!
98. “As a youngster, I was not allowed to cry, speak, or scream. I carried the burden of my parents’ truth. My childhood was not happy; it wasn’t a safe place to be.
99. “I was alone. I didn’t question. For years I kept the family secrets. I looked just fine on the outside, but inside I was a mess.
100. “Many years later, I found a safe place in CoDA meetings.
101. “I discovered people I could trust. . .

Abstinence

Lord, may I be abstinent today. This one day.
May I eat.
Eat real foods.
In healthy amounts.
Thank you.
Amen.

Journal - Huge

Voices of Recovery July 25:

“This seems to be the key to the program and to life: being able to let go of self-will and to reach out to a power greater than myself for help.”

May I remember that
winning
being ahead
winning an argument
being on top
being in charge, myself

are all illusions
stupid
and useless
and counter-productive to a happy life/relationship for me.

Affirmations Today (and I'm Glad I'm Back on!)

God made all of us.
He made me.
God made me.
I am good enough.
I know better now than I knew before.
I am lovable.

God made all of us.
He made me.
God made me.
I am good enough.
I know better now than I knew before.
I am lovable.

I live a good life.
J. loves me.
Our marriage works out for the rest of our long lives.

I live a good life.
J. loves me.
Our marriage works out for the rest of our long lives.

I am happy.
J. is happy.
I am fulfilled.
J. is fulfilled.
We are together.
We are happy together.
We are fulfilled together.

Friday, July 22, 2011

I Will Be Away from Blog

tomorrow and Sunday.
Back Monday.
Religious thing.
Will have to use notebook.

In case anyone is there and reads this.

Be back later today.

Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

I am grateful:

1. Sponsor said good things this morning.
2. Trying to remember them now through my pain: that I’m looking left when I should be looking right. Like looking at what I don’t have instead of at what I do
3. That thinking/feeling I need J for breath is crazy.
4. To keep doing the other things. Like fill myself with good things until full again
5. That it is hard. That life is hard. That when Sp’s spouse died…and how you go through the tunnel and when you come out the other side it’s better.
6. Again, like steel in the fire then stronger, then back in then stronger.
7. And how do you *get * through it? You feel it. And what is that like? It hurts. You hurt. You cry. But you get through it.
8. St. Jude
9. Daily OM today: Learning to find fulfillment in yourself and your life as it is in the present could help you fill any sense of emptiness you may have.
10. And “Perhaps today you can look within and ask yourself what it is that you feel you need more of in your life—love, hope, or confidence. You might then imagine that you have a box filled with what you need and take whatever it is out of the box. Knowing that once you hold your desire in your hand it is yours, you can remind yourself that there is nothing you currently lack for everything is at your fingertips.”
11. And “Understanding that only we can satisfy ourselves gives us the power to fulfill our own needs. When we search for gratification outside of ourselves it usually means that we are not giving our spirit what it needs to feel fulfilled
12. “which makes it easier for us to focus on ourselves and more rewarding ways to feed our deepest yearnings.
13. “Once we realize that we hold the key to our happiness, we will stop searching for things outside of ourselves. Bring your focus within today, and you will find that you already have everything you need to be happy.”
From article someone sent, Are You Broken Yet http://www.suite101.com/content/are-you-broken-yet-a375992 it says ,“The person who is trying to fix things may feel that they are at their wits’ end and broken. The truth is they are only broken when they are able to give up trying to “fix” things. Once they give up, religious individuals are able to turn to God for the answers, rather than continuing to move forward alone.
14. Being broken means hitting that rock bottom place where there is nowhere else to turn but to God. By doing this, there can be great relief in just turning the situation over and allowing the miracles to work,
15. Step back, give up and give in to the Universe, God or whatever Higher Power a person believes in.
16. Wait for the answers and relax.
17. You cannot “fix” things; accept that and sink into the fact that you are broken. For a religious individual, only this higher power can “fix” things for you.
18. Once broken, the person has nowhere to go but up. An answer will come, and time will pass.
19. By allowing oneself to stop trying to “fix” things, that person acknowledges their humanness and frailty. It is okay to turn problems over to the personal higher power. Stop, look and listen for the answers; they will come to you.
20. Everything happens for a reason; it is not up to us to try to figure out or wonder why. One must accept that something did happen that hurt and the individual must acknowledge that this event cannot be erased.
21. Think beyond the problem and start living positively again, knowing that in time that problem will be fixed, just not by you.
22. If you need an example, consider the crucifixion of Christ. It was an ominous and sad day, but three days later, the Light of the World arose from death and the grave
23. This is one simple thing to keep in mind when things go bad and you feel yourself plummeting downward into despair. Being shattered is not good, but you will not pass beyond shattered until you accept that you are broken.
24. Attaining happiness may not be the end-all goal that the higher power has in mind for a person. Perhaps discipline and being holy is the goal, and the roadblocks actually are road signs or detours along the way to that end. Accept the fact that whatever happened was allowed to happen; religious individuals can find it helpful to turn it over to God, the Universe or that Higher Power to fix. Stop worrying and begin to live again.
25. PM I am grateful J came for dinner
26. And loved the salad
27. And loved the soup
28. And we had a nice time chatting
29. And then of course came the part in the living room, about his feelings, which while kind and gentle are not so marriage-with-me-minded at this point. But I am grateful that he was able to express it.
30. And I am grateful that I was able to hear him.
31. With love.
32. And we were nice to each other.
33. And calm.
34. And he did ask how *I * feel.
35. And I did tell him.
36. And one of the things I feel is that we should try *something. *
37. And he did say if I think of something he will “listen.” Which was nice.
38. And he talked about how I’ve been his best friend his whole adult life so it’s hard. And that was meaningful.
39. I’m so happy for J. that he is finding himself, and acknowledging his feelings, and expressing his voice.
40. And I’m grateful that I am truly able to want what’s best for *him. *
41. And – I’m grateful for the growth I’m making.
42. And – I’m grateful that there is still some hope.
43. And I’m grateful for MA
44. And O
45. And Dr., who did call here but I missed his call.
46. And that *I * could be there for O too, after all she’s been through yesterday and today.
47. And that she seems okay tonight.
48. And even dug and planted grass…
49. And is going to the gym tomorrow.
50. And maybe I will too.
51. And that I intend to look good every day now.
52. And that I feel something has opened up between me and J now. An openness. Even as friends. Because I’ve missed him and I believe he’s missed me that way too.
53. I’m grateful that M invited me to the movie in the afternoon.
54. And that MA convinced me to go.
55. And that I went.
56. And we enjoyed it.
57. And that there’s a message from her here too tonight.
58. I’m grateful that I’m not hysterical.
59. And – I’m grateful that my big opthamologist appointment went so well.
60. And that I take care of my eyes every day.
61. And that the CoDA thing came in the mail today, so I can give K back hers.
62. That I meditated today, at doctor’s office
63. Sp: A lot of positives came out of that. And the way I behaved.
64. Eye pressure was very good
65. Optic nerve was very good
66. Visual field was awesome
67. Camera computer pictures good eye lost a few points but could be the sensitivity of the camera if I moved even a little, which I think I did. He’s not worried.
68. Everything would be a *whole * lot worse if that exam hadn’t gone well.
69. I’m glad that I’m becoming the person I’m becoming. The one who was able to behave so well last night.
70. That I know that the less dependent, not only the better for me, but the more desirable as well.
71. I’m grateful that K said over and over how she loves me and how proud she is of me and how great I did
72. And that G lived through the overdose
73. And maybe will get to rehab
74. I’m grateful for God
75. And for hope.
76. And for program.
77. And for piano
78. And for a/c
79. And that although I didn’t take the garbage out, I did water the plants
80. And move the jade, which it turns out was MUCH too hot and dry in that place. It will probably make it after all.
81. I’m grateful that I’m so determined to look “my best” every day now.
82. Yesterday’s For Today: “Extreme remedied are very appropriate for extreme diseases.” Hippocrates
83. “For today: I have taken the first step. God help me to stay on this new path toward physical, mental and spiritual recovery.”
84. Today’s For Today: “ what I know is this: I have a cunning, baffling and powerful disease that can and does throw every trick in the book at me.
85. “Yes, I need to be at meetings. Yes, I need to hear newcomers. And yes, I need to keep on working the program over and over again. I have read the Big Book and the Twelve and Twelve a hundred times, and each time the same words give me a different meaning, a new insight.
86. “For today: Thank God I’m here; pray God to keep me here.”
87. Today’s voices of Recovery which mentions “…what the pamphlet says: ‘The simple ability to eat and sleep normally and wake up glad you are alive,…” I am grateful that they say that, and that means there is hope to wake up grateful that I am alive one day.
88. I am so grateful that I am not falling apart today. Sad. Sad sad sad. But not falling apart.
89. And it’s like things are aired out more and that’s good.
90. And I like that it says: “I see that abstinence is the foundation underlying imy ability to appreciate all that is good in my life. Today I choose to abstain from compulsive eating.
91. Yesterday’s In This Moment speaks of the person having found the right place, CoDA, and “…and trust that I would find help in recovery.”
92. Yesterday’s Language of Letting go: “We are not always clear about what we are experiencing, or why. In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing, or discipline – it’s difficult to have perspective. That’s because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of clarity has not yet arrived.
93. “If we are confused, that is what we are supposed to be. The confusion is temporary.”
94. “Today, … I will trust that being is sufficient…”
95. “Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Some of us were taught that life couldn’t be trusted, that we had to control and manipulate our way through.”
96. “Most of us were taught, inappropriately, that we couldn’t trust ourselves.”
97. “We can learn to appropriately trust our Higher Power – not to make people do what we want them to, but to help us take care of ourselves, and to bring about the best possible circumstances, at the best possible times, in our life.”
98. “We can trust the process – of life and recovery.”
99. “We do not have to control, obsess, or become hypervigilant.”
100. “We may not always understand where we are going, or what’s being worked out in us, but we can trust that something good is happening.”

Thursday, July 21, 2011

More Journal What Must Do

It is my job right now to take care of myself.
Gently.
I have just put mixed good greens in a bowl with peps and walnuts. I will eat it.
Then I will straighten a bit and shower.
IF I CAN GENTLY make it on time, I will meet M for that movie.
If not, it's okay.
I felt a little better just putting the greens in the bowl.

Please God, grant me acceptance.
Please Father, heal me.
Amen

So maybe

So maybe he's not so sure.
I saw him two days ago at a gas station. He certainly didn't seem like he had any desire to be with me. But - he also seemed like someone who's trying but not there.
Maybe he thinks he's sure, but what he really needs is to just grow, himself.
Maybe one day there will be room and desire for me again.
My dr. and MA and some others think that may be the case.
In the meantime I *must * continue working on self.

Lately I have started to improve my looks.
When I was hysterical the other morning after he e-mailed that we should get together and talk a bit, O happened to call while I was hysterical and she said Do not call him! Hang on for 30 minutes and I'll be there.
And when she got there, and I love her for this honesty, she said, "This is what I was afraid of. You CANNOT let him see you looking like this. You cannot." And I said, "No. I know. I need to look better than this." And she said, "No. Not better than this. Good."
And the next day we went and I bought some clothes. I don't know why I so often deny myself having clothes and wear such old, misfitting, decrepit crap.
And I got my hair cut and colored, finally, about 6 weeks overdue.
And yesterday I got a bra fitting and brought bras that fit. First time ever.

So I've started to try and improve my looks.
I've started to exercise, although the last few days I haven't done:(
I do my spiritual program work stuff every day.
But I must get to more meetings and must read the Big Book. And must meditate daily.
I practice a little piano; I water my flowers. I try to get out of here. I try to be good to others.
I am really trying.
Really.

And if there is any hope for me, which I feel like there isn't, I think it has to be through this kind of daily footwork and at the same time turning it over to God and having faith and letting go.

God help me.
Please Father, help me.
Amen.

More Affirmations

I have friends who love me. MA, ML, S, St, M, Mar, K, and O.
I have God.
I have program.
I am meant for more than this.
I have faith that my life is worthwhile and I am worthwhile and I will very soon feel better.

My Affirmations Today

I am enough.
I will be ok.
I am ok.
I am healing.
God can heal me.
God is healing me.
I am lovable.

I am enough.
I will be ok.
I am ok.
I am healing.
God can heal me.
God is healing me.
I am lovable.

I am enough.
I will be ok.
I am ok.
I am healing.
God can heal me.
I am lovable.

I am enough.
I will be ok.
I am ok.
I am healing.
God can heal me.
I am lovable.

Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

I am grateful

. I am grateful for all the time I’ve had with J.
2. That I woke up today
3. That I watered my flowers
4. That I had a nice talk with Sponsor
5. That I will see O today
6. That she changed her work schedule to spend time with me today on my anniversary which is so sad for me
7. That my dr. comes later
8. Wow. Today’s For Today wow. “Nature is no spendthrift, but takes the shortest way to her ends.” Ralph Waldo Emerson. I don’t seem to understand that. But I understand what follows! :
9. “Growth is a phenomenon of nature. I cannot push it, shape it, make it happen. I can only do the footwork, endure the pain and know that the results are not up to me. There is struggle in the growth process; pride, ego and minused will stand in the way and must be overcome gradually, with understanding and compassion.
10. “Pain is always the teacher, but with each period of growth it becomes less acute.
11. “Growth is the opposite of control.
12. “Another term for it is learning to let go and let God.
13. “And that is a subject I can only expect to get better at, not master.
14. “For today: Do I really need to be in control - which is wasted motion, really – or can I trust in my Higher Power?
15. I will let today be a wonderful surprise.”
16. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “…and the ill will which poisoned our hearts for years is washed away.” OA 12 & 12 p. 75
17. “Today, with the help of OA and the Twelve Steps, I live in reality and truly avoid making situations larger than they really are.”
18. OMG this is me. Today’s In This Moment says “In This Moment, feelings are my guide”, which I need. And the part that is me is:
19. “For years, I denied my feelings and pretended that things were OK.”
20. And it says this: “I allowed others to treat me in inappropriate ways
21. “Then I arrived at a point in recovery where my feelings became too strong to ignore. I finally blew.” Yup. That’s me. “I was surprised by the depth of emotion that had been buried for so many years.
22. “In CoDA, I’m working on my issues and feelings are my guide along the path of recovery. “ Wow.
23. “I don’t have to act on them.” I do wish I’d known that sooner. But better late than never.
24. “As I surrender to them, I learn from the wisdom they offer.”
25. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “There is importance in today – not so much in what happens to us, but in how we respond.”
26. “Let today happen. We learn our lessons, we work things out, we change in a simple fashion: by living our life fully today.
27. “Do not worry about tomorrow’s feelings, problems, or gifts.
28. ***”Do not worry about tomorrow’s feelings, problems, or gifts.
29. ***”Do not worry about whether we can trust ourselves, life, or our Higher Power tomorrow.”
30. ***”Everything we need today shall be given to us. That is a promise – from God, from the Universe.”
31. I’m grateful that I am doing this work to become more and more serene. It will work. Inside me. For me.
32. Meanwhile, it goes on to say: “Feel today’s feelings.” This is what my Sponsor was saying this morning too.
33. “Solve today’s problems.
34. “Enjoy today’s gifts.
35. ***“Trust yourself, life and your Higher Power today. ***
36. “Acquire the art of living fully today.
37. “Absorb the lessons,
38. the healing,
39. the beauty
40. the love available to us today
41. “do not be in such a rush to move on.
42. “There is no hurry.
43. “We cannot escape; we only postpone.” Oh, and don’t I know that! I was just saying that to Sp this morning! I know for sure that escape does not work for me. I have tried it for 35 years. It comes back and bites me harder. I must try it the other way now, and am.
44. “Let the feelings go;
45. breathe in peace and healing.”
46. That this is so much like Thich Nhat Hahn.
47. I am so grateful to have found him.
48. And that we looked each other straight in the eye, from close up, sitting outside in the middle of walking meditation. Calmly and not rushed looking in each other’s eyes. So good.
49. And Language of Letting Go then says: “Today, I will not run from myself, my circumstances, or my feelings.
50. “I will be open to myself, others, my Higher Power, and life.
51. “I will trust that by facing today to the best of my ability, I will acquire the skills I need to face tomorrow.”
52. I’m grateful that there was a message from M yesterday.
53. I’m grateful for K.
54. And for Mar.
55. Yesterday’s Recovery Meditation: “And how shall you punish those whose remorse is already greater than their misdeeds?” Kahlil Gibran
56. “We are not bad people trying to become good; rather, we are sick people trying to get well.
57. “It takes a long time for some of us to believe this truth. We have been programmed to believe the worst about ourselves . . . or ironically, to believe ourselves to be much better than others. This appears to be a common denominator in our disease.
58. “We despise the person we perceive ourselves to be.
59. “Virtually every event in our lives drives us deeper into the abyss of remorse, self-abuse, self-hate, and self-serving.
60. “We must stop believing lies about ourselves.
61. “The fact that we are here on Earth is proof that we belong and that we have the right - - even the obligation – to be what we can be.
62. “ONE DAY AT A TIME . . . I will honor and respect myself.
63. Although I want to be independent, at least for now, transferring my desperation like I’m not alive without J, to O and MA and Dr. and program and piano and flowers is better because at least even though I’m not fully okay inside, I’m not 100% dependent on him. Maybe.
64. MA saying every gesture towards J feels like a noose around his neck. Don’t tighten it. And therefore don’t *give * the I’m grateful for the time card.
65. Wow. Daily OM today: “Freedom comes from within
66. “Your feelings of lack could make you feel unsettled and might increase your need for control today.
67. “It might be that you are experiencing a temporary shortage of the things that you feel make your life more comfortable and might give you freedom.
68. “Recognizing that true freedom comes from within may help you find a greater sense of stability and centeredness today.
69. “Perhaps you can use the energy of your third chakra, the energy center for your sense of self, to give you the steadfastness you need to remain more grounded. As you breathe in, you might imagine that you are breathing energy from the earth through your feet and up your legs to your abdomen.’
70. “By using this visualization you can picture that with each breath you strengthen the energy in the third chakra and also your connection with the earth.
71. “Doing this can help you find the constancy you desire.
72. “Being grounded and in touch with the healing power that surrounds us gives us a greater feeling of solidity, strength, and confidence in ourselves.
73. *****“When we feel that we don’t have enough, it often means that we are looking to things that are external to us instead of finding our own might from within.
74. “If you picture yourself as being connected to and supported by the unlimited healing energy from the earth today, you will fill your being with the things that will truly make you free to your connection to your higher self and your spirit.
75. Maybe getting through this anniversary without “tightening a noose around J’s neck” will empower us for together later on.
76. Time today (20th) with the two little girls with O. Sweet time with them.
77. And I think I helped the little one feel better too: )
78. O coming tonight
79. Had my therapist appointment. He says it’s looking bad as far as J, but I’m glad I had the appointment
80. And I’m glad that he commented on my looks by saying: “When he does come tomorrow night, make sure you look like you do tonight.”
81. And that O helped me shop yesterday
82. and took me today for a bra fitting and I bought better bras than I’ve had in years
83. And in those senses, is helping me feel like I’m able to become a woman again.
84. I’m so sad. It’s hard to continue. But I must. Um. I’m grateful that M called twice.
85. And that MA was willing to try and see me if I was to be alone for hours today, which was likely at one point to happen.
86. And that O bought me a banana while we were out and she was having coffee
87. And that I ate it
88. And that we’re going out tonight.
89. I can’t believe J didn’t even leave a message or e-mail or anything. But “they say” I’m not alone. I have God.
90. That my dr. was still here for me and able to be honest and try to help me, even though I inconvenienced him by being so late.
91. That some people on Sp Sp prayed for me yesterday. And on 2 threads.
92. As dreadfully painful a lesson it is/has been, I guess I’m grateful that I’m learning that I do, in fact, have an impact.
93. That I’ve started to lose weight again
94. That although G overdosed, he didn’t die. That family has so much going on right now
95. That maybe God will help me.
96. That maybe my eye doctor appointment will go well today
97. That I don’t do drugs
98. That I don’t drink
99. That I don’t think J does either
100. That I can nap if I need to today.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

7/18 Starting tomorrow’s early because didn’t do enough from yesterday. Besides, doing readings in attempt to keep self sane while waiting for friend to show up

1. Yesterday’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I am patient with my own recovery.
2. “I am unique, with my own history, feelings, and life experiences. I must build a strong foundation with myself first and that takes time. I take one step at a time, working my recovery completely and thoroughly.”
3. “Otherwise it would be as if I were painting the walls on a house whose foundation is collapsing.”
And it says: “There is no need to rush. I am on God’s time and schedule. Everything is unfolding as it should and the pattern will be beautiful.” Okay.
4. E-mail thing today: “Yet it was the desperation we felt before coming to OA that compelled us to accept the First Step. We were fresh out of ideas, and so became open to new ones. “
5. “Our insanity had finally risen higher than our wall of denial, forcing us to get honest…”
6. “forcing us to get honest about our compulsivity around food and our behaviors with food!”
7. “Our best efforts at control had only worn us out; hence, we became willing to surrender.”
8. “We had received the gift of desperation and, as a result, were able to accept the spiritual principles that make it possible for us to recover.”
9. “Desperation is what finally drives many of us to ask for help. Once we’ve reached this state, we can turn around and start anew.”
10. “Just for today: The gift of desperation has helped me become honest, open-minded, and willing. I am grateful for this gift because it has made my recovery possible.”
11. “Just for today: The gift of desperation has helped me become honest, open-minded, and willing. I am grateful for this gift because it has made my recovery possible.”
12. Rec. Med: “I became a compulsive overeater in recovery. I was on a fantastic journey towards a new, healthy and brighter life. I was a compulsive overeater with a future, although I did not -- and still do not know what that future is. Most importantly, I was a compulsive overeater who realized it's okay to not know what lies ahead. In fact, there is no choice in the matter; it was out of my control. I never had control in the first place. It was all an illusion. When I realized that many things are simply out of my control, I surrendered my useless struggling and accepted the help offered by my new program family and my Higher Power.
13. July 17’s Language of Letting Go: “…We may have had a mother or father who said, ‘I love you’ to us, and then abandoned or neglected us, giving us confused ideas about love. Thus that pattern feels like love – the only love we knew.”
14. “We may learn to love others or ourselves the way we have been loved, or we may let others love us the way we have been loved, whether or not that feels good. It’s time to let our needs be met in ways that actually work.”
15. “Unhealthy love may meet some surface needs, but not our need to be loved.”
16. Today’s for Today: “No, I don’t always know which course to take, where to go, what to do. But OA says, in effect, ‘don’t sweat it. Ask your Higher Power for an answer and then relax. Inspiration will come, sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly.’”
17. And “whether I have to act quickly or have some time to think, the answer will come freely, from God, if I ask for it.”
18. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Cultivate humble gratitude that you were fortunate enough to find out what was wrong with you before it was too late.” From - Before you Take That First Compulsive Bite, Remember… [and may it be true for me that it is not too late]
19. And it talks about gratefulness for “Learning more about the various symptoms of food compulsion prepares me to take action to manage it through the Twelve Steps and OA’s tools of recovery. The mental obsession, the cravings, the self-centeredness, the isolation, and the feelings of grandiosity make sense in the context of the disease.”
20. And then it says: “Now when I feel angry, rejected, or depressed, I can look for perspective in the AA and OA literature. I identify with the thousands of recovering people who have suffered the same ills and who have found happiness and freedom from the bondage of compulsive eating.”
21. And it talks about the joy of having choices about future, one day at a time.
22. And today’s In This Moment says: “in This Moment, I put myself first. Whenever I put myself on hold, my life goes haywire. Putting myself first doesn’t mean that I neglect those I care about. It means that I don’t neglect myself. If I neglect myself, I’m not helping anyone.”
23. “When I put myself first in my own life, when I take responsibility for meeting my own needs, then I can be available for those I care about in a healthy way. It doesn’t come naturally yet. I have to make a conscious effort. Today, I choose to put myself first when I make decisions.”
24. Today’s Language of Letting Go July 18: “We may simply be afraid of our anger and the potency of it. We may not know we have a right, even a responsibility – to ourselves – to allow ourselves to feel and learn from our anger.”
25. And “God, help my hidden or repressed angry feelings to surface. Help me have the courage to face them. Help me understand how I need to take care of myself with the people I feel anger toward, Help me stop telling myself something is wrong with me when people victimize me and I feel angry about the victimization. I can trust my feelings to signal problems that need my attention.”
26. Dr Ellen Kriedman, who I see online has answered a question for someone else, and ended her answer with this:
I want my husband back
Dear Dr. Ellen: Please tell me how I make myself more and more desirable to win my husband back. He has to give me the chance to prove to him that I have changed. We've not been husband and wife now for almost eight months and separated a total of almost 3 years. I love him more than he can ever imagine. I know he will want me again if he will only open his heart. How do I do that? I know I can. I've made so many wonderful changes in myself and continue to do so! But this loneliness without him gets worse and worse. No one else will, or can ever take his place or even be close to what he is. So, even if I was with someone else, the loneliness and missing him and everything about him would make no difference. - Sally
Dear Sally: Unfortunately, you have been separated and not lived as husband and wife for a long time. It is easy to live in the past and be in love with the memories you have had together. It is even easier to live in the future and picture your life as it used to be when you were happy together. The problem is that the PRESENT, which hasn't existed for quite some time, doesn't exist. While you are thinking and dreaming about him, your husband has probably gone on to make a new life for himself. Here is the impossible to answer question I always get asked. How can I make someone love me again if he won't talk to me or see me? The answer is, of course, that it is impossible to show him the changes you have made if he will not talk to you or see you. I am going to assume that you have tried and he hasn't responded. There is no way to force someone's heart to open. I am a great believer that if a relationship is "meant to be" then in time the two of you will get back together. The problem for you is, "How do you fill your time until he comes to the realization that you are the love of his life?" You can't speed up the time for him to realize that you are the best thing that ever happened to him. He may have to experience life without you for the next two, five or even ten years before that happens. In the meantime, continue working on yourself. Keep growing, changing and becoming the best woman you can be, not to get him back, but for your own personal fulfillment. Continue learning from your past mistakes and make wiser decisions and choices in the future.
I always find it amazing that so many couples who are unable to have children finally adopt and then miraculously get pregnant. Once they relax and put their energy and focus into other areas, they wind up with what they couldn't have. I find it is exactly the same for women/men who finally stop waiting for a boyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife to come back into their lives. As soon as they fall in love again or pursue a career and stop thinking about the past and are very involved in their current life, the phone rings and there he/she is again. The boyfriend/girlfriend who left, or husband/wife who had an affair, wants to start over again. It seems that when you are busy doing other things and involved in living your life, the very thing that you kept hoping for, magically occurs. Anyone waiting for a phone call knows that as soon as they leave for a second, the phone rings. When you just sit and wait for that phone to ring it never does. So my advice is to get on with your life as if he is never coming back. If he doesn't come back, at least you haven't wasted your life waiting for him. If he does come back, you will have gained valuable life experiences during that time that should help you in the future. - Dr. Ellen
27. And on another site: although you should absolutely look your personal best when you interact with your husband). What's most important is that you're able to return the positive, loving, and empathetic feelings that made your husband want to marry you in the first place. This will make getting him back so much easier.
28. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1393725Followed by this: The truth is, you're probably closer to getting your husband back than you think. Why? Because you've already made him fall in love with you once. Therefore, you intuitively know what you have to do to make your husband fall in love with you again.
29. I’m grateful that O came over here so I wouldn’t call J and say come over and talk now, looking as I did
30. And that tomorrow I can get my hair colored and buy and outfit or two
31. And that I’ll see him later in the week
32. And that O drove me and my other to my mother’s dr appointment
33. And that online everything I’m reading is saying there’s hope in getting back a marriage if you believe in yourself and grow as a person and believe you are worthwhile and it can work. Hmmmm.
34. And that MA helped me on the phone and said J needs more time.
35. And that Dr and O aren’t sure it’ll be a very bad talk anyway.
36. And that I prayed to God with full heart.
37. And 4 other people did too.
38. And 2 regularly do.
39. Now it’s the 19th - Today’s For Today: “One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” Andre Gide
40. Wow: “OA is a new way of life. Nothing in this program has much relationship to anything I have known before. There are steps to take and meetings to attend. Recovery means going to any lengths to stay abstinent. It means being willing to give up, for today, any or all of the comfortable and familiar old ways that may interfere with abstinence, including cooking, restaurants, friends, meals for my family, flag and country. I found it wasn’t necessary to give up these things, but I had to be willing: willingness is the key. Without abstinence I have nothing except a killing, progressive disease.”
41. “For today: I am willing to put abstinence first. That means talking to anyone who is able to help me, asking questions even thought they may make me appear foolish, making phone calls even though I may bother someone.”
42. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “If something has repeatedly worked well for us or for someone else in a similar situation, we may assume it will work in our present situation, ultimately bringing good to us and to others, which is God’s will.” OA 12 & 12 p. 24
43. “I owe much of my recovery to the experiences voiced by others. I did not always believe that what worked for others would work for me. But loving OA members shared with me an approach they used with great success: their experience with ‘acting as if.’” I think I really needed to hear this today.
44. “By using this concept, I was able to develop trust in a Higher Power that was all accepting, loving, and understanding. I ‘acted as if’ until one day God actually was all these things to me.
45. “This approach also allowed me to achieve feelings of love and compassion toward my mother, where I once felt only emptiness. Me too.
46. “I pray that I will always be teachable and open to the experience of others. Likewise, may God allow me to be a vehicle for His good works by sharing my own experience with another compulsive overeater.”
47. Today’s In This Moment. “In This Moment I’m glad I have a sponsor.” Yes. I am. In both OA and CoDA
48. Today’s Language of Letting Go. Wow. “I spent months trying to prove to a man I was dating how responsible and healthy I was. Then I realized what I was doing. He didn’t need to realize how responsible and healthy I was. I did.” Anonymous
49. “Trying to prove how good we are, trying to prove we’re good enough, trying to show someone how much he or she has hurt us, trying to show someone we’re understanding, are warning signs that we may be into our self-defeating behaviors.”
50. “They can be an indication that we are trying to control someone.
51. “they can be an indication that we are not believing how good we are, that we’re good enough, that someone is hurting us.
52. “They can be a warning that we’ve allowed ourselves to get hooked into a dysfunctional system.
53. “They may indicate that we’re stuck in that cloudy fog of denial or doing something that is not good for us.
54. “Trying excessively to make a point with another may mean that we have not yet made that point with ourselves. Once we make that point with ourselves, once we understand, we will know what to do.
55. “The issue is not about others understanding and taking us seriously. The issue is not about others believing we’re good and good enough. The issue is not about others seeing and believing how responsible or loving or competent we are. The issue is not about whether others realize how deeply we are feeling a particular feeling. We are the ones that need to see the light.”
56. “Today, God, help me let go of my need to control outcomes by influencing the beliefs of others. I will concentrate on accepting myself, rather that trying to prove something about myself. If I catch myself in the codependent trap of trying to emphasize something about myself to another, I will ask myself if I need to convince myself of that point.”
57. Next day now, the 20th, my 20th wedding anniversary and so sad but still so much to be grateful for. O has been practically baby-sitting me lol. Spending so much time with me
58. We went shopping yesterday. She dropped me off, went and taught, and came back for me.
59. And even helped a bit. I bought some much-needed clothes and on great sales.
60. I didn’t overeat for 2 days now. Underate, which is also unhealthy, but for now I’d take that over overeating.
61. Saw J. yesterday. Hurt how polite and formal he is, but also was my fix. I know that’s not healthy but I’m grateful for it anyway.
62. Sponsor said this morning Acceptance is the answer. And I’m *beginning * to get that now.
63. And Sp said you have to sit with the feelings. Let them wash over you. And when you don’t die, it helps you be stronger next time.
64. And said you don’t dive in or it’ll choke you. You put a foot in. Try it out a little. Then take it out. Etc.
65. And that’s exactly what Dr. Drew said on his show the other day. Different wording but same meaning.
66. Last night I watched a movie here, for five dollars on demand, with O.
67. We enjoyed it.
68. She seemed comfortable.
69. And I gave her red cherries, which she loves.
70. And during that movie, or maybe after, when I was watching something else, a girl said something about wanting to be dead or something, and I actually thought: “Oh how sad. *I * don’t want that!” Phew. That’s a *much * better feeling than the one I’ve been having for the better part of two weeks, that I do want to be. I’m so grateful for that.
71. And even though today I wish we were together and celebrating and I’m so sad that it’s not that way, this morning I still do not wish to be dead. Thank God!
72. I’m grateful that I’ve never lost a limb.
73. And that K called and asked to get together last night. I already had plans, so that means I had two plans!
74. And that Mar called about the upcoming retreat. Good.
75. And that I have good healthy food in the fridge and freezer right now.
76. And that I am starting a careful new budget. Now. Have to. But can and will.
77. A/c
78. More flowers are doing better out here now
79. My new happy pink carnations
80. First pedicure in a year yesterday.
81. That I *want * to practice piano.
82. My program books.
83. Prayer
84. That I gave O, who loves Starbucks and I don’t, that Starbucks gift card I’d gotten.
85. That it had 25 dollars on it!
86. That I’m just gonna try to eat today. Not overeat, but eat. 3 little meals, nutritious.
87. I’m grateful for my eyesight and my eyedrops
88. And that there is still hope
89. And that I am not alone because I have friends and I have God
90. And that there are people who see this blog and I am not all alone in cyberspace.
91. And that I can type
92. And that I have programs. I know some of these are repeats, but I am truly grateful for them. And it *is * a very hard day.
93. And that I still have my mother
94. And that her appointment went so well the other day, thank you God
95. And that I’m living through it. Sometimes barely, but I am.
96. And that I did a load of laundry finally this morning.
97. And got my recycling out, and in time I’m pretty sure.
98. And that the people in the two stores treated me so well even thought they’re not exclusive stores or anything. That was nice.
99. I’m grateful for my feet being useful.
100. And that although sometimes it’s not comfortable getting up, that I can still kneel.
101. And that I have a job.
102. And that I’m off from it right now lol.

My Affirmations Today

I am here.
I am put here by God.
I can be happy.
J. will love me again.

I am here.
I am put here by God.
I can be happy.
J. will love me again.

I am here.
I am put here by God.
I can be happy.
J. will love me again.

I am here.
I am put here by God.
I can be happy.
J. will love me again.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Must Do Affirmations

God made me.
There is a reason.
I can do the things it takes to live.
Life is worthwhile.
I am fine.

God made me.
There is a reason.
I can do the things it takes to live.
Life is worthwhile.
I am fine.

God made me.
There is a reason.
I can do the things it takes to live.
Life is worthwhile.
I am fine.

God made me.
There is a reason.
I can do the things it takes to live.
Life is worthwhile.
I am fine.

Please God

Please God,
I am not threatening to hurt myself, and I won't. But I don't want to live.
I feel like I cannot do this.
Even with all my gratitudes - with the birds singing and my music, and my flowers, with the tremendous gift of health...I just don't want to live.
I feel like I don't have what it takes.
I don't want to suffer and die, but I feel that I don't have what it takes to live.
Nothing to look forward to. Not the strength to do what I need to do each day.
A little touch of relief talking to Sponsor just now and talking to You when I first woke up and again now here.
But it feels like it's not worth it. Like I didn't ask to be born and I wish I hadn't been.
Please help me, God. If it's true that you created me, there must be some reason.
Amen