The amount of dependence I'd grown to is just staggering.
I'm so sorry.
And glad to at least have my eyes opened now.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thank You, God - Important to Thank You
I am so grateful for today, My Dear God. Especially the last part of it so far.
I needed you. I prayed to you for willingness and guidance and help.
I called an OA to see about possibly getting a ride to a meeting, just to break this - funk - somehow for the day. She answered the phone, said how nice it was to hear my voice, and was I possibly going to the meeting in a little while because she could use a ride! So *I* took *her!*
And it wasn't cold as I've found this meeting to be in the past.
I drove her home, was able to say no to coffee, because was determined to keep my commitment to my mother, and made it to my mother on time. Got her to bank and shopping. Did a bit of shopping for self and not too much overage. Even changed that address problem so the bank will no longer be sending her our statement and she won't be nervous about that.
Then the biggy. On the way to get my mother, I thought I'd call John positively and just see if he had any interest in a walk together, the 3 of us (us and Phoebe) after I finished with my mother. He did! I thanked you right then. So we went! Walked about a mile and a half, he thinks, to and around Tibbetts and back.
Sad = how I wish we'd always used it! Me especially, all the times he *did.*
Very sad = he did not have his wedding ring on. First time ever.
Maybe, just maybe, John is just trying to grow up, to grow up into independence and not be tied to anything/anyone (let alone a very dependent meperson).
Anyway, we had a nice walk, I think, and he said so too. Brisk, comfy, Norman Rockwell sleddy families on hill on far side of Tibbetts,...happy happy Phoebe!...
And then he came in and insisted on checking the mattress pad heaty thing,
and
chatted about his - very interesting I might add - baseball book.
God, please bless John.
God, please bless my John.
God, thank you so very much for the gift of time with my John today.
God, please help me to
grow indpendent as a person
and
be happily married together with John (who of course will be happy with it too).
God, please show me the way.
And thank you so much for today.
I don't know if Oxana will or will not be getting back to me about dinner later, but oh Dear God thank you so much for today.
I needed you. I prayed to you for willingness and guidance and help.
I called an OA to see about possibly getting a ride to a meeting, just to break this - funk - somehow for the day. She answered the phone, said how nice it was to hear my voice, and was I possibly going to the meeting in a little while because she could use a ride! So *I* took *her!*
And it wasn't cold as I've found this meeting to be in the past.
I drove her home, was able to say no to coffee, because was determined to keep my commitment to my mother, and made it to my mother on time. Got her to bank and shopping. Did a bit of shopping for self and not too much overage. Even changed that address problem so the bank will no longer be sending her our statement and she won't be nervous about that.
Then the biggy. On the way to get my mother, I thought I'd call John positively and just see if he had any interest in a walk together, the 3 of us (us and Phoebe) after I finished with my mother. He did! I thanked you right then. So we went! Walked about a mile and a half, he thinks, to and around Tibbetts and back.
Sad = how I wish we'd always used it! Me especially, all the times he *did.*
Very sad = he did not have his wedding ring on. First time ever.
Maybe, just maybe, John is just trying to grow up, to grow up into independence and not be tied to anything/anyone (let alone a very dependent meperson).
Anyway, we had a nice walk, I think, and he said so too. Brisk, comfy, Norman Rockwell sleddy families on hill on far side of Tibbetts,...happy happy Phoebe!...
And then he came in and insisted on checking the mattress pad heaty thing,
and
chatted about his - very interesting I might add - baseball book.
God, please bless John.
God, please bless my John.
God, thank you so very much for the gift of time with my John today.
God, please help me to
grow indpendent as a person
and
be happily married together with John (who of course will be happy with it too).
God, please show me the way.
And thank you so much for today.
I don't know if Oxana will or will not be getting back to me about dinner later, but oh Dear God thank you so much for today.
God Help Me
God, I ask you for your help.
I have been unable to face my demons, and have lost the love of
the love of my life.
And have lost myself.
I am unable.
Without help I am unable.
I feel at bottom.
God, you are all powerful.
Please help me.
I open myself to your help.
Please give me complete willingness to do the legwork, and give me guidance and strength.
Please help John.
Please help me.
Please help us together.
Amen.
I have been unable to face my demons, and have lost the love of
the love of my life.
And have lost myself.
I am unable.
Without help I am unable.
I feel at bottom.
God, you are all powerful.
Please help me.
I open myself to your help.
Please give me complete willingness to do the legwork, and give me guidance and strength.
Please help John.
Please help me.
Please help us together.
Amen.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Last night I went to coDA (codependents anonymous).
It was *so* for me.
Learned that every time I've been hysterical, it's been a reaction to something current that is REALLY A REACTION TO SOMETHING IN THE WAY PAST AND WHAT THAT "MEANS TO ME" INSIDE.
If only I'd known that before losing my beloved husband's love.
If only.
Two days ago, while leaving school (work), there was a ton of snow. A guy was about to back up. He could not see me. I thought, "Just lie down. Just lie down." And felt so calm about it. Like, "Yeah. Easy. Yes. Good."
Shit.
It was so real.
Only reason I didn't do it was because I got afraid that he would run me over and I would experience excruciating inconceivable pain and yet not die and be alive that way for decades in some horrible nursing home or iron lung or something, without John's love anyway, and in desperate pain. So I didn't do it.
But there was not even a thought about the poor guy who would have hit me, or whomever would have found me, or *anyone.*
That's scary.
The whole thing is scary.
Well last night I went to coDA and it is my hope and my only hope. If only I'd been there sooner.
God please help me and John to make it together. I will spend the rest of my life serving you. I beg you, my creator, with all my heart.
Thank you.
PS I wish someone else were reading this.
It was *so* for me.
Learned that every time I've been hysterical, it's been a reaction to something current that is REALLY A REACTION TO SOMETHING IN THE WAY PAST AND WHAT THAT "MEANS TO ME" INSIDE.
If only I'd known that before losing my beloved husband's love.
If only.
Two days ago, while leaving school (work), there was a ton of snow. A guy was about to back up. He could not see me. I thought, "Just lie down. Just lie down." And felt so calm about it. Like, "Yeah. Easy. Yes. Good."
Shit.
It was so real.
Only reason I didn't do it was because I got afraid that he would run me over and I would experience excruciating inconceivable pain and yet not die and be alive that way for decades in some horrible nursing home or iron lung or something, without John's love anyway, and in desperate pain. So I didn't do it.
But there was not even a thought about the poor guy who would have hit me, or whomever would have found me, or *anyone.*
That's scary.
The whole thing is scary.
Well last night I went to coDA and it is my hope and my only hope. If only I'd been there sooner.
God please help me and John to make it together. I will spend the rest of my life serving you. I beg you, my creator, with all my heart.
Thank you.
PS I wish someone else were reading this.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I'm Scared
I realize, among other things:
I am dependent/co-dependent
I did the worst possible thing in terms of healing a relationship - I did nothing. That kept the downward momentum going.
My fear is what disabled me from moving.
I have pathology that makes me co-dependent.
But I also love J, which is not pathological.
I have fucked it all up.
I don't know what the fuck to do.
I wish someone could help me.
And I wish someone were reading this.
I put myself in God's hands.
Every morning.
Please God help me.
Shit.
I am dependent/co-dependent
I did the worst possible thing in terms of healing a relationship - I did nothing. That kept the downward momentum going.
My fear is what disabled me from moving.
I have pathology that makes me co-dependent.
But I also love J, which is not pathological.
I have fucked it all up.
I don't know what the fuck to do.
I wish someone could help me.
And I wish someone were reading this.
I put myself in God's hands.
Every morning.
Please God help me.
Shit.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Individuation
I'm beginning to see now how impossible it is to have a healthy relationship because I am not whole. I have depended on him for my identity. I have sucked down into a person who does nothing but waits. For what? For him to fill me? For him to love me enough? For him to lead me?
Fuck it I don't *want* to have to do the work. But I *have to* do it. Or I don't exist.
I have to exist.
So does John.
Maybe then we can be together.
I don't know.
But there's no use breathing if I don't exist. And I want what's best for him too.
Oh God I want to be with him.
But I *must* work on my own co-dependency. Even *I* wouldn't want to be with me this way.
And he really has been quite miserable in himself too.
If only I'd *seen* - registered the signs. I was so ill myself, hiding and denying and binging and trying to escape and letting time pass.
But I cannot accomplish anything with if onlys.
God help me this day to do the right thing.
Thank you.
Fuck it I don't *want* to have to do the work. But I *have to* do it. Or I don't exist.
I have to exist.
So does John.
Maybe then we can be together.
I don't know.
But there's no use breathing if I don't exist. And I want what's best for him too.
Oh God I want to be with him.
But I *must* work on my own co-dependency. Even *I* wouldn't want to be with me this way.
And he really has been quite miserable in himself too.
If only I'd *seen* - registered the signs. I was so ill myself, hiding and denying and binging and trying to escape and letting time pass.
But I cannot accomplish anything with if onlys.
God help me this day to do the right thing.
Thank you.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Day 3 though many days later
Thurs I found out my mother was very seriously ill
My mommy. I love her so.
Fri my husband moved out
My J. I love him so.
I am heartbroken.
But 3 dear friends have circled their wagons around me.
And I have reached out to oa and to vb.
And to my shrink, who helped me so much on the phone Fri night.
And I know that although this is one of the worst things that could ever happen to me, that because John feels like he feels, it is the way it must be. I must accept it.
And the big point is that I *must* do the very hard work of becoming a complete person.
Damn fuck it.
But at least I won't then have to spend the rest of my life as the desperate partial person, always in desperate fear.
Maybe, just maybe, later it will work out for John and me to have a normal life together too.
God bless us.
God help us.
And I must admit, I do kind of wish someone were reading this:)
Oh well, I'm glad I have the opportunity to write it, anyway.
My mommy. I love her so.
Fri my husband moved out
My J. I love him so.
I am heartbroken.
But 3 dear friends have circled their wagons around me.
And I have reached out to oa and to vb.
And to my shrink, who helped me so much on the phone Fri night.
And I know that although this is one of the worst things that could ever happen to me, that because John feels like he feels, it is the way it must be. I must accept it.
And the big point is that I *must* do the very hard work of becoming a complete person.
Damn fuck it.
But at least I won't then have to spend the rest of my life as the desperate partial person, always in desperate fear.
Maybe, just maybe, later it will work out for John and me to have a normal life together too.
God bless us.
God help us.
And I must admit, I do kind of wish someone were reading this:)
Oh well, I'm glad I have the opportunity to write it, anyway.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Day 2
Hello Friends,
Today I:
did my oa morning work
went to an oa meeting
returned book to friend/sponsor (something I've traditionally been bad about)
visiting my mother in the hospital
cooked (vegan, as everything I eat is vegan) spanikopita and made a big salad for us
tracked (weight watchers) everything I ate all day
am relaxing with dear husband and tv right now
did not shower, but I *think* it's ok for this one day
and
I tried not to panic, when dear husband was cranky and off-putting
Tonight:
I will floss
Day by day, one little step at a time, I hope/pray for improvement in myself and my life
Good night
Today I:
did my oa morning work
went to an oa meeting
returned book to friend/sponsor (something I've traditionally been bad about)
visiting my mother in the hospital
cooked (vegan, as everything I eat is vegan) spanikopita and made a big salad for us
tracked (weight watchers) everything I ate all day
am relaxing with dear husband and tv right now
did not shower, but I *think* it's ok for this one day
and
I tried not to panic, when dear husband was cranky and off-putting
Tonight:
I will floss
Day by day, one little step at a time, I hope/pray for improvement in myself and my life
Good night
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Making My Life Better Now
So, it's 1/8/11, and my life is - hmm - how do I say it - well, I've made a mess of things.
But - today I did some things. So, as compared with that day in May, that day in July, a moment in November, and New Year's Eve morning, when I thought about ending it all, doing something to create hope is better.
Therefore, my little changes are all, each and every one, better than that. Right? And it is my hope that blogging will help me to continue to grow, change, and have hope. Maybe even someday a better, or dare I hope good, life. And It is also my hope that *you* might find hope here as well. Here goes!
The first changes I made were that today I
showered
cleaned kitchen
ate within my weight watchers pointsplus points
did oa work, including making 2 phone calls
visited mother in hospital
made and served us dinner
These may seem so very small to you. But I intend to continue. One year from today, I should - I *will* - have a better life!
Tomorrow, I
shower
do oa work (prayer from p. 215 big book edition 4 and the 3rd step prayer, read For Today and Voices of Recovery for 1/9, read one story from Experience Strength and Hope, write gratitudes, call sponsor, go to a meeting
brush teeth 2 x
floss teeth 1 x
visit mom in hospital
plan week's food and make sure I have what I need - get to store as needed tomorrow
cook and serve us dinner
My current problems:
marriage - husband doesn't love me anymore and is not sure if he is staying
body - very overweight and need to lose it for health as well as looks
energy - low
hope - sometimes very low
My current fortune, although too much to list here:
life
husband still here
mother still alive
darling little dog
shelter
car
job
food and water
therapist
oa program
friends
Well, I'm off 'til tomorrow.
Hope someone reads this, eventually at least.
:)
But - today I did some things. So, as compared with that day in May, that day in July, a moment in November, and New Year's Eve morning, when I thought about ending it all, doing something to create hope is better.
Therefore, my little changes are all, each and every one, better than that. Right? And it is my hope that blogging will help me to continue to grow, change, and have hope. Maybe even someday a better, or dare I hope good, life. And It is also my hope that *you* might find hope here as well. Here goes!
The first changes I made were that today I
showered
cleaned kitchen
ate within my weight watchers pointsplus points
did oa work, including making 2 phone calls
visited mother in hospital
made and served us dinner
These may seem so very small to you. But I intend to continue. One year from today, I should - I *will* - have a better life!
Tomorrow, I
shower
do oa work (prayer from p. 215 big book edition 4 and the 3rd step prayer, read For Today and Voices of Recovery for 1/9, read one story from Experience Strength and Hope, write gratitudes, call sponsor, go to a meeting
brush teeth 2 x
floss teeth 1 x
visit mom in hospital
plan week's food and make sure I have what I need - get to store as needed tomorrow
cook and serve us dinner
My current problems:
marriage - husband doesn't love me anymore and is not sure if he is staying
body - very overweight and need to lose it for health as well as looks
energy - low
hope - sometimes very low
My current fortune, although too much to list here:
life
husband still here
mother still alive
darling little dog
shelter
car
job
food and water
therapist
oa program
friends
Well, I'm off 'til tomorrow.
Hope someone reads this, eventually at least.
:)
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