I am grateful:
1. I am so enormously grateful for my breath! MY BREATHING HAS BEEN NORMAL ALL DAY – for the first time in over 2 months! And almost all of yesterday too. And a few breaths on Saturday.
2. But today – was like – you know the expression, “I never knew he was drunk until he came home sober.” Well it’s like that. I never knew QUITE how bad I was WHEN AT WORK, until today – when I wasn’t. I had gotten USED TO DREADING having to speak at all, even a little sentence, or walk at all, or – anything. But today – I was – I AM – a FUNCTIONAL person. I don’t feel like it’s hard to stay awake at 4:47 pm! I could still DO something if I choose. Omg: I’d forgotten what it was like to be – normal – functiona – healthy. And I am SO GRATEFUL to have that back!
3. The birds are chirping so happily and playing all over the place.
4. I just opened the cage door and sat on sofa.
5. IMMEDIATELY, Jewel started using the little post (like his landing, or his mini front porch). I’m so happy!
6. I have enough food in this house to live for months. Many of us probably do. I’m not talking about great meals and enjoyment, but to live. Yes.
7. And although I like filtered water and even (sorry) bottled water, my city has good tap water
8. And I have that stirrer thing.
9. I always have in the house toilet tissue.
10. Tues 6:25 pm. I am so grateful that the birds are playing so much with their new toys.
11. And that I visited with my mother!
12. And brought her the groceries.
13. And that the good great aide is there!
14. And that my mother, bless her courageous goodness, SPOKE UP FOR HERSELF when that other one verbally abused her. Really it was elder abuse.
15. And got rid of her
16. And this good great one is all over it too.
17. And has already found a new one to replace the bad one for weekend days. Oh. Thank God.
18. They fixed my piano keys that weren’t working, at work! In my classroom!
19. And it turns out, after all these years, all I had to do, was ask.
20. That I HAVE a piano in my classroom!
21. Fireworks
22. I got groceries for ME.
23. I offered to pay for a little old man in front of me. Long story, doesn’t matter, and it wound up not having to happen anyway. But it felt GREAT!
24. AND – the cashier – looked – affected by that. And I’m glad. Maybe she’ll pass something along too…
25. Safe rides
26. The aide bought 2 pair of pants for my mother!
27. One time, I was in Radio Shack with J. That’s a gratitude in itself
28. and i wanted to buy a keyboard for my classroom asthere was no piano for me. And I was willing to spend my own money for this.
29. but they were kind of expensive. they had one cheap one. Itried it. it was soooo bad! I’m grateful that I tried
30. So I said to j, "I can't even justify spending like 89.00 on this. it's SO bad.". And I’m glad I didn’t push it. To spend more than we could really. So he said, I understand.
31. So this STRANGER - this guy who'd been watching said,
to the girl working there, "She needs this one." And points to the expensive one. and says, "And a _____ and a _______ for it" (I forget what - cord ...and she starts taking them down! I'm about to say something ike, What do you think you're doing. and J who is street wise not naive like me, touches my arm like shhhhh, and kind of steps back
32. and just then the guy goes, “and put it on my credit card."
33. I started to cry! So did the girl!
34. J was just smiling!
35. I said to him, How can I thank you?" He said please don't.
36. I said, Why would you do this? he said, My elementary school teachers did so much for me.
37. I said PLEASE. Give me your card. Just let me have the pleasure of sending a proper thank you.
38. He said fine. But tell no one my name..
39. So I took the card.
40. We went home. And J went straight online.
41. Ooohhhhhh! Major guy. Front page NYTIMEs kind of guy
42. and he had said to me before I left: Promise me one thing, If you ever need anything for those kids, you call on me. That's the condition under which i give you my card.
43. Computers, electronics, anything.”
44. I told principal. Who was delighted. But did say – You cannot take more though. Public school…
45. I am grateful that I feed and give water and things to the birds every morning
46. First thing
47. And fresh organic greens
48. And that almost every evening, they come onto my hands and have a treat.
49. I have been hearing from some people from online dating sites.
50. My students. They are special. Sweet. I adore them
51. And they LOVE learning!
52. And ask questions
53. And great questions.
54. And I’ve been GREAT with them this week since better
55. J. All my years with J.
56. The security I do have
57. The great cage I have for the birdies.
58. And that the door has been opened this whole like hour now.
59. M.
60. I can breathe. It is harder at like 5pm after working all day.. And I cough a little in the evening. But I CAN BREATHE! FINALLY!
61. Broccoli today
62. Brown rice
63. Water
64. Coffee
65. My hands
66. Tweets
67. Tomorrow is May!
68. The way the librarian was with my class today
69. That I keep confidences (including one that came up just yesterday)
70. The pocketbook M gave me!
71. Hummus
72. Organic grape tomatoes.
73. My piano
74. My playing
75. My practicing
76. My Kandinski calendar
77. Getting away from people who shouldn’t be in my life.
78. That I can speak
79. That I can walk
80. My forsythia
81. My rhododendrom
82. My azalea
83. My tulips that J planted
84. Freedom
85. I have never been raped
86. Or mutilated
87. That my mother can afford her groceries
88. And that if she couldn’t, I would for her
89. That I am PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, AND EMOTIONALLY ABLE to work.
90. That I did not send the ugly email to L.
91. That I have never been stabbed
92. That I have never been shot
93. Or bombed
94. That I have compassion
95. That I have honesty.
96. Shoes
97. Socks
98. Underwear
99. Baths
100. Showers
101. Washing machine in my home
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
I Am So Grateful
that I am breathing well today and tonight too!
For the first time in over 2 months!
SO glad! SO grateful!!!!!
For the first time in over 2 months!
SO glad! SO grateful!!!!!
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. The most wonderful lesson, that time, when J and I were avoiding doctors because of his scary diagnosis. We were letting time go by… and that parent of one of my students, who is a nurse and whose husband (now ex) an anesthesiologist), said. See Dr ____ ____. That’s who I would see if it were my DAUGHTER! … … She said, “See him. And move on with your life.” And I realized that was the difference – we were not people who moved on with our lives. We were waiters. I have still been in many ways for may years beyond that. But not so much now! Thank God! So grateful for her. That she said said. That I heard it. That J. did too (even though it added I’m sure to the things that helped him to move on right away from me). That I remembered. That I am positively practicing it now.
2. I got to practice piano today. It went pretty well! And I had much more stamina than in a very very long time!
3. And – I’m also grateful that I didn’t overdo!
4. I’m grateful that I am getting things that NEED – REALLY NEED NEED NEED – doing, done around here.
5. And that I’m doing them a bit thoroughly.
6. But not TOO thoroughly (energy, healing, and time)
7. And that I’m taking my time, taking breaks, have tv on throughout
8. And can hear the dear ones chirping.
9. This____
10. I am happy that the act of smiling creates chemical changes that help one to FEEL more like smiling
11. And that smiling boost your immune system
12. And lowers your blood pressure
13. And reduces the intensity of the stress response
14. And is “contagious’
15. And is a natural pain healer
16. And can help you live longer
17. The sounds of the flapping of the birds’ wings. I just LOVE that sound!
18. And I wheeled S & J into l.r and played for them. Then left them there hil I clean out the den – “their den” lol – and aired it out.
19. Then I worked on training to come “Up” for millet. It seems to be beginning to work. Otherwise Ill have to hav their wings clppped. For THER safety. So that I can get them into the box for transporting out of house in an emergency. (I had an earthquake eonce years ago, and grabbed bird cage and dog by collar and got out! But I couldn’t grab this cage. Plus, in case they need to go to the vet…
20. That’s ok. If there is the woman who come here –I’ve heard there is, I will just do that, that’s all. It is for THEM.
21. Although I’m still trying to do without it…
22. I am SO GRATEFUL that I cleaned the den today
23. And the bathroom.
24. And will finish the kitchen, I think too. Good.
25. And that the sunroom is heaven right now. So warm and comfy. I think I shall wheel them in later and read in there with them there. So good. It feels heavenly! I think they’ll love it!
26. Both ate from my hands tonight.
27. Spoke with L briefly before. He I sa thte concert now. I’m glad I’d already said I couldn’t go. Because it turns out I’m not up to it anyway.
28. I AM, I think, up to doing my mother’s shopping tomorrow! Yay! And I shall use my debit card,. And get some cash out for her. This way, whether her aide takes her to the bank or NOT Monday, she’ll be good.
29. I am grateful that A called me today. That is rare. RARE!
30. And I think it helped him to chat from the hospital.
31. He had guests yesterday: a couple (friends of mine too) and a single friend (who is in a relationship but he couldn’t go). And his wife before she left for going away on business. Good.
32. And today, his brother.Good.
33. I am going to give him good Reiki from afar later. Good. Fro the healing, as he is in such pain.
34. And a female friend (platonic, and whom he wife approves of) has offered for him to go there for days while he’s healing, so he won’t be alone. I think that’s GREAT!
35. Sleep last night
36. The way the phone call went last night with an ex-bf
37. And that I didn’t give away too much
38. Jewel outside cage right now.
39. And, as I’ve read, he loves being right at AT the door – like front perch almost! ON the door, and on the LEDGE.
40. That I switched out their toys. (Although I think they’re a bit traumatized by it – maybe from now on just switch pone per week)
41. I am LITERALLY. ENJOYING. BREATHING.
42. Today – I was outside in the sunshine a little. OH! It is SO beautiful out!
43. And – my breaths today – are normal. NORMAL. So far this morning. For the first time in like 2 months!
44. Summer(!) playing with new toy! And Jewel did first too, of course. They’re in fact, kind of – ahem – negotiating about it right now lol
45. Jewel has had a flyabout this am
46. THIS is the kind of weather that is PERFECT imo! Not need heat; not need a/c. Perfect
47. And my sunroom. Feels like paradise in the Bahamas or something. Like a real solarium. Ahh
48. I’m gonna start green drinks of some sort this week: ) Yay. I used to love them
49. Both types (mine and hfs)
50. I am GOING to get someone who keeps the outdoors clean CORRECTLY
51. AND does the snow! I AM!
52. And someone to at least clean window!
53. And maybe ONCE whole house
54. Or twice a month
55. I WILL get to do my other’s shopping today.
56. She actually didn’t want me to – because she doesn’t have money in the house! I’m like, “Mom!!! *I’ll * go shopping for you! Don’t be ridiculous! Should you not have FOOD because you didn’t get to the BANK???????
57. She still refused to give me her list (although I could manage anyway). BUT – I thought of TWO good solutions. So she agreed happily. Phew. : )
58. It is nice to have such a nice mommy. And so loving too!
59. It is good to be loved, period
60. And even, gasp – from more than one source
61. I have made a decision regarding an uncomfortable-for-me b’day party far away. I am NOT going.
62. And I’m proud of myself for that.
63. Making some progress cleaning
64. The tulips. Oh. The yellow and red ones. And on the side, the red ones. That J. had planted. They bring me cheer.
65. And the forsythia is in. And when I step outside I see all that color. It is so good for me.
66. The den is dark like denim almost (but richer) blue. With white trim and a dark wood floor. The bird cage is black. The COLORFUL toys in there are such a pleasure – to ME!
67. I have washed that ones I took out in the current toy-exchange for they mental stimulation and interest.
68. “When accompanied by a pleasant, active demeanor, a little tail shake indicates a healthy, happy little bird going about her daily routine.” “…usually a good sign. This quick, side-to-side shake is often called wagging. “God. ‘Cause both of mine are wagging their little tails now.
69. Decent conversation with L. this am on phone. Decent. Not good. Certainly not great. But a friend…
70. The den is pleasant now. Gave it such a thorough clean yetereday! Cage too. In little while will do the floor under cage – which needs it EVERY day – oy : )
71. The saying, “Men use talking to get the sex. Women use sex to get the talking.” I hate it, but it might be true! Lol
72. Pictures of nature – might help people care
73. Sorry to repeat. But am UBER GRATEFUL for my BREATH!
74. And the towel to cover the birds
75. And my drive to the neatby little store this am
76. Broccoli!
77. Giving healing vibes for A.
78. And my best advice. Even though a bit uncomfortable for me at times.
79. Music
80. Art
81. Coffee and tea both this am
82. Hot. Hot hot hot is good for me always in liquids. Except once in a while when I want sort of only-warm soup : )
83. I am grateful for my tv
84. And my remote. (Although it was healthier to have fewer channels and to get up to change them, I’m sure lol
85. Will practice a little piano today. Yes.
86. O had a big car accident yesterday! And now has no car! BUT – I’m SO grateful because SHE is FINE!
87. Smiles
88. Happy people
89. The Dali Lama. Although I’m not in his “sect” or whatever you call it, he is so wise.
90. And of course, Thich Nhat Hanh (I AM a member of the community of Interbeing).
91. Each of the Five Mindfulness Trainings. For some reason, today, especially the 2nd. But all.
92. The First Mindfulness Training: Reverence For Life
Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I am committed to cultivating the insight of interbeing and compassion and learning ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to support any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, or in my way of life. Seeing that harmful actions arise from anger, fear, greed, and intolerance, which in turn come from dualistic and discriminative thinking, I will cultivate openness, non-discrimination, and non-attachment to views in order to transform violence, fanaticism, and dogmatism in myself and in the world.
93. The Second Mindfulness Training:
True Happiness
Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing, and oppression, I am committed to practicing generosity in my thinking, speaking, and acting. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others; and I will share my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need. I will practice looking deeply to see that the happiness and suffering of others are not separate from my own happiness and suffering; that true happiness is not possible without understanding and compassion; and that running after wealth, fame, power and sensual pleasures can bring much suffering and despair. I am aware that happiness depends on my mental attitude and not on external conditions, and that I can live happily in the present moment simply by remembering that I already have more than enough conditions to be happy. I am committed to practicing Right Livelihood so that I can help reduce the suffering of living beings on Earth and reverse the process of global warming.
94. The Third Mindfulness Training: True Love
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are one, I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness – which are the four basic elements of true love – for my greater happiness and the greater happiness of others. Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future.
95. The Fourth Mindfulness Training: Loving Speech and Deep Listening
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and to promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger. I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will practice Right Diligence to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, joy, and inclusiveness, and gradually transform anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness
96. The Fifth Mindfulness Training: Nourishment and Healing
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I am committed to cultivating good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming. I will practice looking deeply into how I consume the Four Kinds of Nutriments, namely edible foods, sense impressions, volition, and consciousness. I am determined not to gamble, or to use alcohol, drugs, or any other products which contain toxins, such as certain websites, electronic games, TV programs, films, magazines, books, and conversations. I will practice coming back to the present moment to be in touch with the refreshing, healing and nourishing elements in me and around me, not letting regrets and sorrow drag me back into the past nor letting anxieties, fear, or craving pull me out of the present moment. I am determined not to try to cover up loneliness, anxiety, or other suffering by losing myself in consumption. I will contemplate interbeing and consume in a way that preserves peace, joy, and well-being in my body and consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness of my family, my society and the Earth.
97. That I just called L and asked him if he could read them aloud with me on the phone.
98. And that he did!
99. And that I got so much out of it!
100. And so did he get something out of it! Wow!
101. And that they are NOT rules. They are suggestions for one to look at deeply, and make own decision. As for THOUSANDS OF YEARS have help so many have inner peace and happiness.
(FYI) These are the Five Mindfulness Trainings, which are written up by different people but always mean the same things – written up by Thich Nhat Hanh and a group. Can be found here on plumvillage.org site: http://www.plumvillage.org/mindfulness-trainings/3-the-five-mindfulness-trainings.html
1. The most wonderful lesson, that time, when J and I were avoiding doctors because of his scary diagnosis. We were letting time go by… and that parent of one of my students, who is a nurse and whose husband (now ex) an anesthesiologist), said. See Dr ____ ____. That’s who I would see if it were my DAUGHTER! … … She said, “See him. And move on with your life.” And I realized that was the difference – we were not people who moved on with our lives. We were waiters. I have still been in many ways for may years beyond that. But not so much now! Thank God! So grateful for her. That she said said. That I heard it. That J. did too (even though it added I’m sure to the things that helped him to move on right away from me). That I remembered. That I am positively practicing it now.
2. I got to practice piano today. It went pretty well! And I had much more stamina than in a very very long time!
3. And – I’m also grateful that I didn’t overdo!
4. I’m grateful that I am getting things that NEED – REALLY NEED NEED NEED – doing, done around here.
5. And that I’m doing them a bit thoroughly.
6. But not TOO thoroughly (energy, healing, and time)
7. And that I’m taking my time, taking breaks, have tv on throughout
8. And can hear the dear ones chirping.
9. This____
10. I am happy that the act of smiling creates chemical changes that help one to FEEL more like smiling
11. And that smiling boost your immune system
12. And lowers your blood pressure
13. And reduces the intensity of the stress response
14. And is “contagious’
15. And is a natural pain healer
16. And can help you live longer
17. The sounds of the flapping of the birds’ wings. I just LOVE that sound!
18. And I wheeled S & J into l.r and played for them. Then left them there hil I clean out the den – “their den” lol – and aired it out.
19. Then I worked on training to come “Up” for millet. It seems to be beginning to work. Otherwise Ill have to hav their wings clppped. For THER safety. So that I can get them into the box for transporting out of house in an emergency. (I had an earthquake eonce years ago, and grabbed bird cage and dog by collar and got out! But I couldn’t grab this cage. Plus, in case they need to go to the vet…
20. That’s ok. If there is the woman who come here –I’ve heard there is, I will just do that, that’s all. It is for THEM.
21. Although I’m still trying to do without it…
22. I am SO GRATEFUL that I cleaned the den today
23. And the bathroom.
24. And will finish the kitchen, I think too. Good.
25. And that the sunroom is heaven right now. So warm and comfy. I think I shall wheel them in later and read in there with them there. So good. It feels heavenly! I think they’ll love it!
26. Both ate from my hands tonight.
27. Spoke with L briefly before. He I sa thte concert now. I’m glad I’d already said I couldn’t go. Because it turns out I’m not up to it anyway.
28. I AM, I think, up to doing my mother’s shopping tomorrow! Yay! And I shall use my debit card,. And get some cash out for her. This way, whether her aide takes her to the bank or NOT Monday, she’ll be good.
29. I am grateful that A called me today. That is rare. RARE!
30. And I think it helped him to chat from the hospital.
31. He had guests yesterday: a couple (friends of mine too) and a single friend (who is in a relationship but he couldn’t go). And his wife before she left for going away on business. Good.
32. And today, his brother.Good.
33. I am going to give him good Reiki from afar later. Good. Fro the healing, as he is in such pain.
34. And a female friend (platonic, and whom he wife approves of) has offered for him to go there for days while he’s healing, so he won’t be alone. I think that’s GREAT!
35. Sleep last night
36. The way the phone call went last night with an ex-bf
37. And that I didn’t give away too much
38. Jewel outside cage right now.
39. And, as I’ve read, he loves being right at AT the door – like front perch almost! ON the door, and on the LEDGE.
40. That I switched out their toys. (Although I think they’re a bit traumatized by it – maybe from now on just switch pone per week)
41. I am LITERALLY. ENJOYING. BREATHING.
42. Today – I was outside in the sunshine a little. OH! It is SO beautiful out!
43. And – my breaths today – are normal. NORMAL. So far this morning. For the first time in like 2 months!
44. Summer(!) playing with new toy! And Jewel did first too, of course. They’re in fact, kind of – ahem – negotiating about it right now lol
45. Jewel has had a flyabout this am
46. THIS is the kind of weather that is PERFECT imo! Not need heat; not need a/c. Perfect
47. And my sunroom. Feels like paradise in the Bahamas or something. Like a real solarium. Ahh
48. I’m gonna start green drinks of some sort this week: ) Yay. I used to love them
49. Both types (mine and hfs)
50. I am GOING to get someone who keeps the outdoors clean CORRECTLY
51. AND does the snow! I AM!
52. And someone to at least clean window!
53. And maybe ONCE whole house
54. Or twice a month
55. I WILL get to do my other’s shopping today.
56. She actually didn’t want me to – because she doesn’t have money in the house! I’m like, “Mom!!! *I’ll * go shopping for you! Don’t be ridiculous! Should you not have FOOD because you didn’t get to the BANK???????
57. She still refused to give me her list (although I could manage anyway). BUT – I thought of TWO good solutions. So she agreed happily. Phew. : )
58. It is nice to have such a nice mommy. And so loving too!
59. It is good to be loved, period
60. And even, gasp – from more than one source
61. I have made a decision regarding an uncomfortable-for-me b’day party far away. I am NOT going.
62. And I’m proud of myself for that.
63. Making some progress cleaning
64. The tulips. Oh. The yellow and red ones. And on the side, the red ones. That J. had planted. They bring me cheer.
65. And the forsythia is in. And when I step outside I see all that color. It is so good for me.
66. The den is dark like denim almost (but richer) blue. With white trim and a dark wood floor. The bird cage is black. The COLORFUL toys in there are such a pleasure – to ME!
67. I have washed that ones I took out in the current toy-exchange for they mental stimulation and interest.
68. “When accompanied by a pleasant, active demeanor, a little tail shake indicates a healthy, happy little bird going about her daily routine.” “…usually a good sign. This quick, side-to-side shake is often called wagging. “God. ‘Cause both of mine are wagging their little tails now.
69. Decent conversation with L. this am on phone. Decent. Not good. Certainly not great. But a friend…
70. The den is pleasant now. Gave it such a thorough clean yetereday! Cage too. In little while will do the floor under cage – which needs it EVERY day – oy : )
71. The saying, “Men use talking to get the sex. Women use sex to get the talking.” I hate it, but it might be true! Lol
72. Pictures of nature – might help people care
73. Sorry to repeat. But am UBER GRATEFUL for my BREATH!
74. And the towel to cover the birds
75. And my drive to the neatby little store this am
76. Broccoli!
77. Giving healing vibes for A.
78. And my best advice. Even though a bit uncomfortable for me at times.
79. Music
80. Art
81. Coffee and tea both this am
82. Hot. Hot hot hot is good for me always in liquids. Except once in a while when I want sort of only-warm soup : )
83. I am grateful for my tv
84. And my remote. (Although it was healthier to have fewer channels and to get up to change them, I’m sure lol
85. Will practice a little piano today. Yes.
86. O had a big car accident yesterday! And now has no car! BUT – I’m SO grateful because SHE is FINE!
87. Smiles
88. Happy people
89. The Dali Lama. Although I’m not in his “sect” or whatever you call it, he is so wise.
90. And of course, Thich Nhat Hanh (I AM a member of the community of Interbeing).
91. Each of the Five Mindfulness Trainings. For some reason, today, especially the 2nd. But all.
92. The First Mindfulness Training: Reverence For Life
Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I am committed to cultivating the insight of interbeing and compassion and learning ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to support any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, or in my way of life. Seeing that harmful actions arise from anger, fear, greed, and intolerance, which in turn come from dualistic and discriminative thinking, I will cultivate openness, non-discrimination, and non-attachment to views in order to transform violence, fanaticism, and dogmatism in myself and in the world.
93. The Second Mindfulness Training:
True Happiness
Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing, and oppression, I am committed to practicing generosity in my thinking, speaking, and acting. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others; and I will share my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need. I will practice looking deeply to see that the happiness and suffering of others are not separate from my own happiness and suffering; that true happiness is not possible without understanding and compassion; and that running after wealth, fame, power and sensual pleasures can bring much suffering and despair. I am aware that happiness depends on my mental attitude and not on external conditions, and that I can live happily in the present moment simply by remembering that I already have more than enough conditions to be happy. I am committed to practicing Right Livelihood so that I can help reduce the suffering of living beings on Earth and reverse the process of global warming.
94. The Third Mindfulness Training: True Love
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are one, I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness – which are the four basic elements of true love – for my greater happiness and the greater happiness of others. Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future.
95. The Fourth Mindfulness Training: Loving Speech and Deep Listening
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and to promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger. I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will practice Right Diligence to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, joy, and inclusiveness, and gradually transform anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness
96. The Fifth Mindfulness Training: Nourishment and Healing
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I am committed to cultivating good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming. I will practice looking deeply into how I consume the Four Kinds of Nutriments, namely edible foods, sense impressions, volition, and consciousness. I am determined not to gamble, or to use alcohol, drugs, or any other products which contain toxins, such as certain websites, electronic games, TV programs, films, magazines, books, and conversations. I will practice coming back to the present moment to be in touch with the refreshing, healing and nourishing elements in me and around me, not letting regrets and sorrow drag me back into the past nor letting anxieties, fear, or craving pull me out of the present moment. I am determined not to try to cover up loneliness, anxiety, or other suffering by losing myself in consumption. I will contemplate interbeing and consume in a way that preserves peace, joy, and well-being in my body and consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness of my family, my society and the Earth.
97. That I just called L and asked him if he could read them aloud with me on the phone.
98. And that he did!
99. And that I got so much out of it!
100. And so did he get something out of it! Wow!
101. And that they are NOT rules. They are suggestions for one to look at deeply, and make own decision. As for THOUSANDS OF YEARS have help so many have inner peace and happiness.
(FYI) These are the Five Mindfulness Trainings, which are written up by different people but always mean the same things – written up by Thich Nhat Hanh and a group. Can be found here on plumvillage.org site: http://www.plumvillage.org/mindfulness-trainings/3-the-five-mindfulness-trainings.html
Saturday, April 27, 2013
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. Paul Klee - https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1315&bih=620&q=paul+klee&oq=paul+klee&gs_l=img.3..0l10.926.2398.0.2574.9.6.0.3.3.0.59.282.6.6.0...0.0...1ac.1.11.img.H7T9wRC6s3I
2. That I do not have a dread disease.
3. The feeling of the birds’ little feet on me!
4. And Fri eve, I got to very lightly pet Jewel’s front 3 little x. It was wonderful!
5. I have ALWAYS loved being around other species.
6. This morning, I awakened late, by the phone ringing. Very late. And walked to bathroom and saw mirror – oh dear! I looked like a still asleep rodent! Wanted to go right back to bed! But – realized the birds…. It is a bit late…. So changed their water and freshened their seed and pellet cup and gave new greens. Glad I did this for them.
7. And by then, *I * was awake and in a decently good place myself! Once again, so grateful to my birdy boys: )
8. On second cup of coffee
9. Resisting temptation to eat badly. This is my body. And I do want to live. I shall take good care : )
10. Beautiful paintings
11. Just in this one morning, there are SO MANY things to be grateful for! In this morning alone, in this short hour or 2 I’ve been up, I have been breathing on my own
12. And walking about the house
13. I HAVE a house
14. Used running water in bathroom
15. HAVE a bathroom
16. Used running water in kitchen
17. I HAVE a kitchen
18. Gave food and water to the birds
19. I HAVE the birds
20. And I HAVE the food and water!
21. I have made coffee
22. And I HAVE the coffee
23. And put organic soy milk in it
24. I have the cups
25. I am typing
26. I CAN type
27. I HAVE fingers
28. I HAVE a laptop computer
29. I have been communicating with A, who is recovering in hospital from surgery
30. I CAN communicate
31. I HAVE cell phone
32. With texting
33. I HAVE that friend
34. I have had two phone calls from L
35. I CAN talk
36. I HAVE a phone
37. I HAVE that friend
38. And one with M
39. I HAVE that dear dear friend
40. And house phone
41. And one with my mother
42. I HAVE my mother
43. And she is well right now, in the day.
44. I can see the LEAVES on the beautiful oak and other trees outside my window. So grateful for that!
45. That I was a Girl Scout for a short time when little
46. And my parents bought me all that Girl Scout stuff
47. And I would read from that thick green book in my bed with the built-in bookshelves and light at night
48. I love that book. I loved what it said. I loved the FEELING it gave me. I even loved the smell
49. And the Trees book my father bought me
50. And the Birds book too.
51. And J. bought me a Trees book just like it, a few short years ago
52. And some of the Girl Scout books too.
53. That was SO sweet. But I’m also grateful that I don’t NEED that kind of thing anymore.
54. That although his leaving, was THE most incredibly almost-unbearably painful thing I could even imagine, and I literally begged God to let me die, some good has come from it!
55. That I am more grown up than years ago.
56. Anyway, back to this morning. And I put on my slippers.
57. So that means I HAVE slippers
58. And my robe.
59. So that means I HAVE a robe.
60. and could find them both. House messy as been so sick again: (
61. Walked on red oak floors. Lucky too.
62. Am about to turn on the humidifier.
63. Have good list of what need to do. And it is realistic and not overbearing. Taking it easy but getting done.
64. Bookcases. J. got them. Used. I would never have done that. But he was right. And they are good.
65. The feel of the birds’ feet on me. I have ALWAYS wanted to share my life with other species.
66. Their “birdsong”
67. My feet
68. My vision. MY vision. EXACTLY as it is!
69. My new Stitch ‘n Zip kit.
70. My lilac yarn J bought me
71. And that I’ve been enjoying doing both. Calmly. Slowly. Gently.
72. That I CHOOSE to not live like an invalid old lady anymore!
73. Email
74. IMing
75. Earrings
76. My hair.
77. That I even HAVE hair.
78. Humor
79. That I – gulp – wrote to 3 guys from dating site last night. Omg.
80. And that it felt good
81. And – that I don’t care if nothing at all comes of it!
82. This
83. “Don’t let what you can not do interfere with what you can do.” John Wooden
84. Streams
85. Woods
86. Nature
87. Rocks
88. BIRDS!
89. That I do believe, after ALL my research and experience, that I have truly found the perfect “pets” for me! I can give them enough. And enjoy them. And bring them happiness. I am so grateful!
90. That I can function physically.
91. My liver
92. Kidneys
93. Heart
94. Lungs
95. Good blood pressure
96. Just read great article about “The seven compelling habits of really healthy people:” quality rest, nutrient- dense diet, massage, yoga, acupressure , old baths , positive attitude http://wakeup-world.com/2013/03/05/discover-the-seven-habits-of-exceedingly-healthy-people/
97. This
98. Oh. And this this this!
99. And this too
100. And – that I am about to CLEAN THE DEN! So grateful that am ABLE to. And so grateful that am WILLING to.
1. Paul Klee - https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1315&bih=620&q=paul+klee&oq=paul+klee&gs_l=img.3..0l10.926.2398.0.2574.9.6.0.3.3.0.59.282.6.6.0...0.0...1ac.1.11.img.H7T9wRC6s3I
2. That I do not have a dread disease.
3. The feeling of the birds’ little feet on me!
4. And Fri eve, I got to very lightly pet Jewel’s front 3 little x. It was wonderful!
5. I have ALWAYS loved being around other species.
6. This morning, I awakened late, by the phone ringing. Very late. And walked to bathroom and saw mirror – oh dear! I looked like a still asleep rodent! Wanted to go right back to bed! But – realized the birds…. It is a bit late…. So changed their water and freshened their seed and pellet cup and gave new greens. Glad I did this for them.
7. And by then, *I * was awake and in a decently good place myself! Once again, so grateful to my birdy boys: )
8. On second cup of coffee
9. Resisting temptation to eat badly. This is my body. And I do want to live. I shall take good care : )
10. Beautiful paintings
11. Just in this one morning, there are SO MANY things to be grateful for! In this morning alone, in this short hour or 2 I’ve been up, I have been breathing on my own
12. And walking about the house
13. I HAVE a house
14. Used running water in bathroom
15. HAVE a bathroom
16. Used running water in kitchen
17. I HAVE a kitchen
18. Gave food and water to the birds
19. I HAVE the birds
20. And I HAVE the food and water!
21. I have made coffee
22. And I HAVE the coffee
23. And put organic soy milk in it
24. I have the cups
25. I am typing
26. I CAN type
27. I HAVE fingers
28. I HAVE a laptop computer
29. I have been communicating with A, who is recovering in hospital from surgery
30. I CAN communicate
31. I HAVE cell phone
32. With texting
33. I HAVE that friend
34. I have had two phone calls from L
35. I CAN talk
36. I HAVE a phone
37. I HAVE that friend
38. And one with M
39. I HAVE that dear dear friend
40. And house phone
41. And one with my mother
42. I HAVE my mother
43. And she is well right now, in the day.
44. I can see the LEAVES on the beautiful oak and other trees outside my window. So grateful for that!
45. That I was a Girl Scout for a short time when little
46. And my parents bought me all that Girl Scout stuff
47. And I would read from that thick green book in my bed with the built-in bookshelves and light at night
48. I love that book. I loved what it said. I loved the FEELING it gave me. I even loved the smell
49. And the Trees book my father bought me
50. And the Birds book too.
51. And J. bought me a Trees book just like it, a few short years ago
52. And some of the Girl Scout books too.
53. That was SO sweet. But I’m also grateful that I don’t NEED that kind of thing anymore.
54. That although his leaving, was THE most incredibly almost-unbearably painful thing I could even imagine, and I literally begged God to let me die, some good has come from it!
55. That I am more grown up than years ago.
56. Anyway, back to this morning. And I put on my slippers.
57. So that means I HAVE slippers
58. And my robe.
59. So that means I HAVE a robe.
60. and could find them both. House messy as been so sick again: (
61. Walked on red oak floors. Lucky too.
62. Am about to turn on the humidifier.
63. Have good list of what need to do. And it is realistic and not overbearing. Taking it easy but getting done.
64. Bookcases. J. got them. Used. I would never have done that. But he was right. And they are good.
65. The feel of the birds’ feet on me. I have ALWAYS wanted to share my life with other species.
66. Their “birdsong”
67. My feet
68. My vision. MY vision. EXACTLY as it is!
69. My new Stitch ‘n Zip kit.
70. My lilac yarn J bought me
71. And that I’ve been enjoying doing both. Calmly. Slowly. Gently.
72. That I CHOOSE to not live like an invalid old lady anymore!
73. Email
74. IMing
75. Earrings
76. My hair.
77. That I even HAVE hair.
78. Humor
79. That I – gulp – wrote to 3 guys from dating site last night. Omg.
80. And that it felt good
81. And – that I don’t care if nothing at all comes of it!
82. This
83. “Don’t let what you can not do interfere with what you can do.” John Wooden
84. Streams
85. Woods
86. Nature
87. Rocks
88. BIRDS!
89. That I do believe, after ALL my research and experience, that I have truly found the perfect “pets” for me! I can give them enough. And enjoy them. And bring them happiness. I am so grateful!
90. That I can function physically.
91. My liver
92. Kidneys
93. Heart
94. Lungs
95. Good blood pressure
96. Just read great article about “The seven compelling habits of really healthy people:” quality rest, nutrient- dense diet, massage, yoga, acupressure , old baths , positive attitude http://wakeup-world.com/2013/03/05/discover-the-seven-habits-of-exceedingly-healthy-people/
97. This
98. Oh. And this this this!
99. And this too
100. And – that I am about to CLEAN THE DEN! So grateful that am ABLE to. And so grateful that am WILLING to.
Today's - more as day goes on
___________
I am realizing. That:
It is never too late!
Where there is breath, there is life. And
Where there is life there is hope.
I am realizing. That:
It is never too late!
Where there is breath, there is life. And
Where there is life there is hope.
Friday, April 26, 2013
SECOND 100 Gratitudes Today!
I am grateful:
1. 12:45 on April 26: I an breathe!!!!!! Finally starting to have a number of regular breaths. Oh thank God!
2. 2 coffees and one tea, hot, this morning.
3. Broccoli
4. I have another chance at life! (Since Aprl 23 insights that evening!)
5. Birds are playing SO MUCH and apparently so happily right now! 30 ninutes afer Jewel’s half hour fly-about and walk about outside of the cage.
6. I am happy here today.
7. A is fine after surgery
8. I am not obsessed about the clean-up people screwing up and even not staying to do today! I can always find another company.
9. KNOWING that!!
10. Breathing changes my mental attitude!
11. I am so happy with my birds. And they are with me.
12. That I write in Bird Journal sometimes: )
13. Ji and how kind-hearted hand understanding he always was for me
14. I let the birds out for THEM. (Only Jewel has been out so far) But it is so good for ME!!
15. Texing.
16. Cell phones
17. Sleep
18. Prescription cough syrup helping me sleep at night now
19. This was the first day Jewel came to my hand without millet in it!
20. MAYBE I won’t have to clip their wings after all. (MUST be able to get them to safety in an emergency, though. And to a vet as needed, including wellness checks).
21. Am working on that
22. Nice chat with mother today. A bit longer than lately due to the breathing issues
23. Eggplant last night
24. My legs that work.
25. My not wanting to ever rage again.
26. But not wanting to give in to poor treatment either
27. Jewel was playing a moment with the NEW toy today! Yay!
28. I am smiling. First time in a long time just a contentedsmile. What a difference berathing makes!
29. The stream with the walking rockes acroos it in my nearby park
30. The walks with J, and with dog off-leash. We had so many. I loved EVERY one!
31. And – I might get to have another soon. That will be nice. I think we might.
32. I can exercise and lose eight (Must get totally better first though)
33. Personalities. Including in birds. At pet store, it seemed like Summer was MORE active and lively and Jewel was more quiet and sweet. It turns out, ALTHOUGH THEY ARE BOTHA LL OF THOSE THINGS, Jewel is the adventurer and Summer is more timid a bit.
34. I put the extra perch in there, JUST to get them used to it so I could use it for pressing up against their underbellies to teach them “Up,” but now the get on both of those too and just face each other. The two are so close to each other almost on top of each other
35. The fresh organic greens thy are eating every day now. I am so glad they love foods good for them
36. And I think they’re eating some of the pellets too.
37. I KNOW they love millet
38. And seed
39. I usually have to clean their water dishes and change their waters 2x a day dnow, but I am grateful to. That only means they get MORE fresh water.
40. Jewel is right now on climby toy playing with swing with his beak.
41. A’s turtles. One said (it is really A writing, of course) they don’t tend to remember things from a year ago. They live today. I said, And what does that mean? What do you DO? And “he” answered, “Swim, eat, hang with my ladies; ) [There is one male and 4 females]
42. And what do Summer and Jewel do: Play, fly, eat, chat, sing, look around, solve puzzle, perch on me, enjoy a treat.
43. These are good lessons. As is doggie: She TOTALLY lives IN THE MOMENT. Enjoying EVERY SINGLE THING SHE CAN!
44. I actually – and this is one of the most embarrassing things I have EVER admitted in my life – to myself or anyone. First time, I in fact. I actually remember watching the Golden Girls show – episode about Rose’s blind sister – one of the first episodes. And at one point, she asked Rose to get her a glass of water (they were in l.r. and kitchen is next room right there). Rose answered that she could herself. She replied that Rose had said would help her, take care of her. And Rose replied, “but Lily. If you can’t get your own water, then that makes you totally dependent. And that scares me.” Something like that. And I felt a deep deep pang. Because that’s how *I * was oat the time. THAT dependent almost, on J.
45. So there was a gratitude in admitting that finally. And a great big sigh of relief
46. And there is a gratitude that I am not like that anymore.
47. It cost SO MUCH. TEARS. AGONY. LOSS ALMOST BEYOND ABILITY TO BEAR – REALLY – But – it was – gulp – worth it. I am not like that anymore.
48. Louise Hay on asthma “Unresolved guilt. Smother love. Inability to breathe for one’s self. Feeling stifled. Suppressed crying.” That is a GREAT insight about ME!
49. And her sort of affirmation to go with it: “It is safe now for me to take charge of my own life. I choose to be free.”
50. And on breathing problems: “Fear of refusal to take in life fully. Not feeling the right to take up space or even to exist at times.” Huge. I remember that woman at the all-woman’s retreat I went to. Within such a very short time, She said to me “Lynn! You don’t have to apologize for taking up space!” Wowie.
51. With THIS: “It is my birthright to live life fully and freely. I am worth loving. I now choose to live life fully.”
52. And on broncites: “Inflamed family environment. Arguments and yelling. Sometimes silent. The third in a row, exactly. (This, growing up)
53. And to go with: “I declare peace and harmony within me and around me. All is well.”
54. And on glaucoma: “Stony unforgiveness. Pressure form long standing hurts. Overwhelmed by it all.”
55. And with it: “I see with love and tenderness.”
56. And that I no longer have stony unforgiveness – although I used to! Yay!
57. And I no longer have the pressure from long standing hurts. Although I used to. Yay! – I DO still feel “overwhelmed by it all.”
58. But 1) The other two changed, so this one can too
59. ! And 2) it has already started to!
60. About fat: “Represents protection. Over-sensitivity.” Yup.
61. And: “I am protected by Divine love. I am always safe and secure.”
62. Oh boy – biggy – Fatigue: “Resistance, boredom. Lack of love for what one does.”
63. And “I am enthusiastic about life and filled with energy and enthusiasm”
64. Oh boy – Fibroids “Nursing a hurt from a partner. A blow to the feminine ego.”
65. And “I release the pattern in me that attracted this experience. I create only good in my life.”
66. Hay fever: “Emotional congestion. Fear of the calendar. A belief in persecution. Guilt.”
67. And “I am one with ALL OF LIFE. I am safe.”
68. Influenza “Response to mass negativity and beliefs. Fear. Belief in statistics.”
69. And “I am beyond groups beliefs or the calendar. I am free from all congestion and influence.”
70. And Motion Sickness: “Fear. Fear of not being in control
71. With “I am always in control of my thoughts. I am safe. I love and approve of myself.”
72. Overweight: “Fear, need for protection. Running away from feelings. Insecurity, self-rejection. Seeking fulfillment.”
73. And “I am at peace with my own feelings. I am safe where I am. I create my own security. I love and approve of myself.”
74. Respiratory Ailments “Fear of taking in life fully.”
75. With “I am safe. I love my life.”
76. Throat. Remember when I couldn’t speak for the better part of 8 months. SO GLAD I am not such a VICTIM now!!!!!
77. Throat: “Avenue of expression. Channel of creativity.”
78. Throat Problems ( I had the 4 that prevented me from being able to speak): “The inability to speak up for oneself. Swallowed anger. Stifled creativity. Refusal to change.”
79. With “It’s okay to make noise. I express myself freely and joyously. I speak up for myself awith ease. I express my creativity. I am willing to change.”
80. These birdie are so able to speak out. To each other. A little to me I think (jewel) They have no problems making noise. They do not squawk – I think because theya re happy. But they chirp and talk and sing. Every since those first peeps after they were her a few hours.
81. Last year end of March into April I had London.
82. This year same time period I have birdies.
83. Louise Hay: “I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing.”
84. And “Every thought we think is creating our future.”
85. And “You have the power to heal your life, and you need to know that. We think so often that we are helpless, but we’re not. We always have the power of our minds…Claim and consciously use your power.
86. And “I have never understood the importance of having children memorize battle dates. It seems like such a waste of mental energy. Instead, we could teach them important subjects such as How the Mind Works, How to Handle Finances, How to Invest Money for Financial Security, How to be a Parent, How to Create Good Relationships, and How to Create and Maintain Self-Esteem and Self-Worth. Can you imagine what a whole generation of adults would be like if they had been taught these subjects in school along with their regular curriculum?”
87. And “Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.”
88. And “I am willing to release the need to be unworthy. I am worthy of the very best in life, and I now lovingly allow myself to accept it”
89. And “I will not be distracted by noise, chatter, or setbacks. Patience, commitment, grace, and purpose will guide me.”
90. “When we expand our thinking and beliefs our love flows freely. When we contract we shut ourselves off. Can you remember the last time when you were in love? Your heart went ahhh!! It was such a wonderful feeling. It is the same with loving yourself except that you will never leave once you have your love for yourself.Its with you for the rest of your life, so you want to make it the best relationship that you can have.”
91. “The point of power is always in the present moment.”
92. And “No matter where we live on the planet or how difficult our situation seems to be, we have the ability to overcome and transcend our circumstances.
93. AND THIS BIGGY BIGGY BIGGY! “You are the only person who thinks in your mind! You are the power and authority in your world.”
94. And “I have noticed that the Universe loves Gratitude. The more Grateful you are, the more goodies you get.” *I * have not done gratitudes for this. I had never heard of this. But I wonder – it might actually be happening for me now!
95. And this: “In the infinity of life where I am,
All is perfect, whole and complete,
I no longer choose to believe in old limitations and lack, I now choose to begin to see myself
As the Universe sees me --- perfect, whole, and complete.”
96. And this: “I say “Out” to every negative thought that comes to my mind. No person, place, or thing has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind. I create my own reality and everyone in it.”
97. And this! “Your unique creative talents and abilities are flowing through you and are being expressed in deeply satisfying ways. Your creativity is always in demand.”
98. That day when my multi-gemstone cross got delivered here RIGHT ON Good Friday. And I put it on on our way out, J. taking me to the field where I sat in the sun and reflected while he took a walk and also sat with me some.
99. This Stitch n Zip cosmetic sized purse, which just came
100. And this one, which I have ordered
1. 12:45 on April 26: I an breathe!!!!!! Finally starting to have a number of regular breaths. Oh thank God!
2. 2 coffees and one tea, hot, this morning.
3. Broccoli
4. I have another chance at life! (Since Aprl 23 insights that evening!)
5. Birds are playing SO MUCH and apparently so happily right now! 30 ninutes afer Jewel’s half hour fly-about and walk about outside of the cage.
6. I am happy here today.
7. A is fine after surgery
8. I am not obsessed about the clean-up people screwing up and even not staying to do today! I can always find another company.
9. KNOWING that!!
10. Breathing changes my mental attitude!
11. I am so happy with my birds. And they are with me.
12. That I write in Bird Journal sometimes: )
13. Ji and how kind-hearted hand understanding he always was for me
14. I let the birds out for THEM. (Only Jewel has been out so far) But it is so good for ME!!
15. Texing.
16. Cell phones
17. Sleep
18. Prescription cough syrup helping me sleep at night now
19. This was the first day Jewel came to my hand without millet in it!
20. MAYBE I won’t have to clip their wings after all. (MUST be able to get them to safety in an emergency, though. And to a vet as needed, including wellness checks).
21. Am working on that
22. Nice chat with mother today. A bit longer than lately due to the breathing issues
23. Eggplant last night
24. My legs that work.
25. My not wanting to ever rage again.
26. But not wanting to give in to poor treatment either
27. Jewel was playing a moment with the NEW toy today! Yay!
28. I am smiling. First time in a long time just a contentedsmile. What a difference berathing makes!
29. The stream with the walking rockes acroos it in my nearby park
30. The walks with J, and with dog off-leash. We had so many. I loved EVERY one!
31. And – I might get to have another soon. That will be nice. I think we might.
32. I can exercise and lose eight (Must get totally better first though)
33. Personalities. Including in birds. At pet store, it seemed like Summer was MORE active and lively and Jewel was more quiet and sweet. It turns out, ALTHOUGH THEY ARE BOTHA LL OF THOSE THINGS, Jewel is the adventurer and Summer is more timid a bit.
34. I put the extra perch in there, JUST to get them used to it so I could use it for pressing up against their underbellies to teach them “Up,” but now the get on both of those too and just face each other. The two are so close to each other almost on top of each other
35. The fresh organic greens thy are eating every day now. I am so glad they love foods good for them
36. And I think they’re eating some of the pellets too.
37. I KNOW they love millet
38. And seed
39. I usually have to clean their water dishes and change their waters 2x a day dnow, but I am grateful to. That only means they get MORE fresh water.
40. Jewel is right now on climby toy playing with swing with his beak.
41. A’s turtles. One said (it is really A writing, of course) they don’t tend to remember things from a year ago. They live today. I said, And what does that mean? What do you DO? And “he” answered, “Swim, eat, hang with my ladies; ) [There is one male and 4 females]
42. And what do Summer and Jewel do: Play, fly, eat, chat, sing, look around, solve puzzle, perch on me, enjoy a treat.
43. These are good lessons. As is doggie: She TOTALLY lives IN THE MOMENT. Enjoying EVERY SINGLE THING SHE CAN!
44. I actually – and this is one of the most embarrassing things I have EVER admitted in my life – to myself or anyone. First time, I in fact. I actually remember watching the Golden Girls show – episode about Rose’s blind sister – one of the first episodes. And at one point, she asked Rose to get her a glass of water (they were in l.r. and kitchen is next room right there). Rose answered that she could herself. She replied that Rose had said would help her, take care of her. And Rose replied, “but Lily. If you can’t get your own water, then that makes you totally dependent. And that scares me.” Something like that. And I felt a deep deep pang. Because that’s how *I * was oat the time. THAT dependent almost, on J.
45. So there was a gratitude in admitting that finally. And a great big sigh of relief
46. And there is a gratitude that I am not like that anymore.
47. It cost SO MUCH. TEARS. AGONY. LOSS ALMOST BEYOND ABILITY TO BEAR – REALLY – But – it was – gulp – worth it. I am not like that anymore.
48. Louise Hay on asthma “Unresolved guilt. Smother love. Inability to breathe for one’s self. Feeling stifled. Suppressed crying.” That is a GREAT insight about ME!
49. And her sort of affirmation to go with it: “It is safe now for me to take charge of my own life. I choose to be free.”
50. And on breathing problems: “Fear of refusal to take in life fully. Not feeling the right to take up space or even to exist at times.” Huge. I remember that woman at the all-woman’s retreat I went to. Within such a very short time, She said to me “Lynn! You don’t have to apologize for taking up space!” Wowie.
51. With THIS: “It is my birthright to live life fully and freely. I am worth loving. I now choose to live life fully.”
52. And on broncites: “Inflamed family environment. Arguments and yelling. Sometimes silent. The third in a row, exactly. (This, growing up)
53. And to go with: “I declare peace and harmony within me and around me. All is well.”
54. And on glaucoma: “Stony unforgiveness. Pressure form long standing hurts. Overwhelmed by it all.”
55. And with it: “I see with love and tenderness.”
56. And that I no longer have stony unforgiveness – although I used to! Yay!
57. And I no longer have the pressure from long standing hurts. Although I used to. Yay! – I DO still feel “overwhelmed by it all.”
58. But 1) The other two changed, so this one can too
59. ! And 2) it has already started to!
60. About fat: “Represents protection. Over-sensitivity.” Yup.
61. And: “I am protected by Divine love. I am always safe and secure.”
62. Oh boy – biggy – Fatigue: “Resistance, boredom. Lack of love for what one does.”
63. And “I am enthusiastic about life and filled with energy and enthusiasm”
64. Oh boy – Fibroids “Nursing a hurt from a partner. A blow to the feminine ego.”
65. And “I release the pattern in me that attracted this experience. I create only good in my life.”
66. Hay fever: “Emotional congestion. Fear of the calendar. A belief in persecution. Guilt.”
67. And “I am one with ALL OF LIFE. I am safe.”
68. Influenza “Response to mass negativity and beliefs. Fear. Belief in statistics.”
69. And “I am beyond groups beliefs or the calendar. I am free from all congestion and influence.”
70. And Motion Sickness: “Fear. Fear of not being in control
71. With “I am always in control of my thoughts. I am safe. I love and approve of myself.”
72. Overweight: “Fear, need for protection. Running away from feelings. Insecurity, self-rejection. Seeking fulfillment.”
73. And “I am at peace with my own feelings. I am safe where I am. I create my own security. I love and approve of myself.”
74. Respiratory Ailments “Fear of taking in life fully.”
75. With “I am safe. I love my life.”
76. Throat. Remember when I couldn’t speak for the better part of 8 months. SO GLAD I am not such a VICTIM now!!!!!
77. Throat: “Avenue of expression. Channel of creativity.”
78. Throat Problems ( I had the 4 that prevented me from being able to speak): “The inability to speak up for oneself. Swallowed anger. Stifled creativity. Refusal to change.”
79. With “It’s okay to make noise. I express myself freely and joyously. I speak up for myself awith ease. I express my creativity. I am willing to change.”
80. These birdie are so able to speak out. To each other. A little to me I think (jewel) They have no problems making noise. They do not squawk – I think because theya re happy. But they chirp and talk and sing. Every since those first peeps after they were her a few hours.
81. Last year end of March into April I had London.
82. This year same time period I have birdies.
83. Louise Hay: “I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing.”
84. And “Every thought we think is creating our future.”
85. And “You have the power to heal your life, and you need to know that. We think so often that we are helpless, but we’re not. We always have the power of our minds…Claim and consciously use your power.
86. And “I have never understood the importance of having children memorize battle dates. It seems like such a waste of mental energy. Instead, we could teach them important subjects such as How the Mind Works, How to Handle Finances, How to Invest Money for Financial Security, How to be a Parent, How to Create Good Relationships, and How to Create and Maintain Self-Esteem and Self-Worth. Can you imagine what a whole generation of adults would be like if they had been taught these subjects in school along with their regular curriculum?”
87. And “Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.”
88. And “I am willing to release the need to be unworthy. I am worthy of the very best in life, and I now lovingly allow myself to accept it”
89. And “I will not be distracted by noise, chatter, or setbacks. Patience, commitment, grace, and purpose will guide me.”
90. “When we expand our thinking and beliefs our love flows freely. When we contract we shut ourselves off. Can you remember the last time when you were in love? Your heart went ahhh!! It was such a wonderful feeling. It is the same with loving yourself except that you will never leave once you have your love for yourself.Its with you for the rest of your life, so you want to make it the best relationship that you can have.”
91. “The point of power is always in the present moment.”
92. And “No matter where we live on the planet or how difficult our situation seems to be, we have the ability to overcome and transcend our circumstances.
93. AND THIS BIGGY BIGGY BIGGY! “You are the only person who thinks in your mind! You are the power and authority in your world.”
94. And “I have noticed that the Universe loves Gratitude. The more Grateful you are, the more goodies you get.” *I * have not done gratitudes for this. I had never heard of this. But I wonder – it might actually be happening for me now!
95. And this: “In the infinity of life where I am,
All is perfect, whole and complete,
I no longer choose to believe in old limitations and lack, I now choose to begin to see myself
As the Universe sees me --- perfect, whole, and complete.”
96. And this: “I say “Out” to every negative thought that comes to my mind. No person, place, or thing has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind. I create my own reality and everyone in it.”
97. And this! “Your unique creative talents and abilities are flowing through you and are being expressed in deeply satisfying ways. Your creativity is always in demand.”
98. That day when my multi-gemstone cross got delivered here RIGHT ON Good Friday. And I put it on on our way out, J. taking me to the field where I sat in the sun and reflected while he took a walk and also sat with me some.
99. This Stitch n Zip cosmetic sized purse, which just came
100. And this one, which I have ordered
My Birdie Babes
They have both been on me more.
AND - I find that if I spend a FEW sessions each day, rather than just one, we get closer more quickly. (Duh! :)
The other night i was able to move my finger around with Jewel on it and even to outside of cage
Last night he was outside the cage for a long time perched on me. Granted, I still need millet for this, but still.
Summer has not come out yet. Is a bit more timid than Jewel. (But takes more of the millet lol)
Jewel is more of the leader.
The door is open right now (cage - not room!) for the past 20 minutes. And when I was changing the food cup, Jewel cam and perched on it in my hand! So I started calling him to my finger. Summer has just watching. Eventually, Jewel took off. ( I had had the cage wide open on purpose; I don't if I'm just changing food and need to get to work or something).
Jewel has seemed to like being on the bamboo window shade (first time), and the top of the bookcase (where he's been before). And loves walking all over the outside of the large cage.
Summer has been communicating with him from inside it. Even hanging upside down to do so!
I hope he will be freer soon. Or at least is happy as is!
These pics are photographically terrible, but are the best I could get. Trying to help them be comfy, not scare them lol!
_____________
_____________
--
***I just got to pet Jewel's front 3 x. Lightly, gently, very short touches. But that was the first time ever and it was beautiful!
AND - I find that if I spend a FEW sessions each day, rather than just one, we get closer more quickly. (Duh! :)
The other night i was able to move my finger around with Jewel on it and even to outside of cage
Last night he was outside the cage for a long time perched on me. Granted, I still need millet for this, but still.
Summer has not come out yet. Is a bit more timid than Jewel. (But takes more of the millet lol)
Jewel is more of the leader.
The door is open right now (cage - not room!) for the past 20 minutes. And when I was changing the food cup, Jewel cam and perched on it in my hand! So I started calling him to my finger. Summer has just watching. Eventually, Jewel took off. ( I had had the cage wide open on purpose; I don't if I'm just changing food and need to get to work or something).
Jewel has seemed to like being on the bamboo window shade (first time), and the top of the bookcase (where he's been before). And loves walking all over the outside of the large cage.
Summer has been communicating with him from inside it. Even hanging upside down to do so!
I hope he will be freer soon. Or at least is happy as is!
These pics are photographically terrible, but are the best I could get. Trying to help them be comfy, not scare them lol!
_____________
_____________--
***I just got to pet Jewel's front 3 x. Lightly, gently, very short touches. But that was the first time ever and it was beautiful!
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:1. I have been taking for granted a lot, that I have enough money. Now, being scared about my job, I’ve come to appreciate it even more!
2. The ability to support myself. That I have had up until now. And expect to continue having.
3. Taking better care of myself.
4. That A DID go to the hospital. I know he didn’t want to. And it turned out he needed emergency surgery. So I’m glad he did go!
5. Texted me – is fine. Good.
6. My Stitch-n-Zip kit came today.
7. Vitamin C
8. My breathing is noticeably better this morning than in many weeks. Oh thank you God. I do so look forward to regular normal breathing today
9. Today’s weather
10. I am so grateful for my birds
11. And the great time we had together last night.
12. Jewel on my finger outside of cage, so close to my face.
13. This kind of thing still happens only with milliet. But I’m okay with that!
14. Maybe one day it will happen without!
15. And if not, that’s ok too!
16. I left the cage door open for them a bit too.
17. They mostly stayed in, but Jewel came out and sat on the door for a bit.
18. This is just like the sites say – they tend to like a front porch type of place…
19. And lots of sites are very hopeful for them being trained…
20. That I am not as worried as I used to be.
21. Our planet’s oceans
22. I am so much better of than I ould be.
23. I am free
24. I am not a slave
25. I am not in a concentration camp
26. I am not in hospice
27. I am not unemployed
28. I do not have flesh-eating disease
29. I was not in any bomb attack
30. I have hair
31. I have 10 toes
32. And 10 fingers
33. I have a liver
34. My blood pressure is good
35. I do not have leukemia
36. I am smart. Not retarded. Not even Down’s Syndrome
37. I can write
38. I can read
39. I can walk
40. I can talk
41. I can see
42. I am looking at that oak tree through the window, and it makes my breathing great just to even look at it!
43. The sunshine on me
44. Spring is here
45. Summer is coming
46. That I have had 4 retreats with Thich Nhat Hanh
47. I am not in love with someone who is dying
48. J. lived, when had that serious diagnosis at age 36.
49. When I first started this job, and really truly internally felt that no one could really take from me. What could they take? My job? Not my dignity. (And I want to feel that way again)
50. That also though, I am more practical than I used to be. There are certain needs. . .There are certain things that must be done…
51. That we DO have the ability to manifest what we want in our life
52. People who are compassionate
53. People who care about each other
54. People who help each other
55. Birdsong. I have always been so grateful for it.
56. And now I have it in my house!
57. I got a REALLY cool email from a dear online friend. She asked for my address and said she is sending me a little surprise!
58. “It is you who must make the effort; the sages can only teach.” The Dharmapada
59. Art sites. I love a number of them.
60. L and I are talking as friends
61. Organic greens and baby greens for my birdy dears.
62. Newspaper sheets for the bird cage bottom
63. Great for this day: _____
64. Nature
65. Parks
66. Trees
67. Evergreen areas
68. With that scent on the ground
69. And the soft walking
70. Artistic projects
71. And creativity
72. That special, wonderful student of mine, who has a craft room next to her room!
73. The amount of class that I do have
74. Piano yesterday. I got to play a bit. It needs a lot of technical improvement, but the zest was there! : )
75. This __________
76. That I have a car
77. That runs
78. And strong legs
79. This great saying I just read: “I am a reader. Not because I don’t have a life. But because I choose to have many.” I have mixed feelings about reading, so I liked seeing this.
80. I am grateful for the non-fiction books. I have always loved those.
81. The times I spent as a young teen and younger kid, in my house growing up, reading
82. The embroidery I’ve done
83. The good reputation I MOSTLY enjoy everywhere
84. Leo Buscaglia
85. And this quote of his: “Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.”
86. Fb page Birds Around The World
87. This: ______
88. “It is not enough to understand the natural world; the point is to defend and preserve it.” Edward Abbey
89. I am grateful for my mother’s love
90. And for sitcoms
91. And the bird playpen outside of the cage. I think they shall use it soon
92. And for moving them into l.r. and playing piano for them yesterday
93. And that I can teach
94. Including math
95. That I am a college graduate
96. And that my parents paid for it
97. And were at my graduation
98. That I graduated with honors
99. That I have a Masters degree as well
100. And paid for and took J’s family out to celebrate it
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Heavy Amissions - and then, now, It Is Time to LIVE -
I have lived like an old old woman.
In fact, may old old women have LIVED more than I in the day!
+(9).jpg)
My God, at one point in my 20's, I felt so overwhelmed, that I actually looked at husband's grandmother and WISHED to live like she.
So sick!
She was CRIPPLED.
I'm not saying I wanted to be crippled - no!
BUT -
she spent her days, living in her daughter's home (my mother-in-law). Stitching WHILE SHE STILL COULD. Watching tv. Game shows.
I envied her lack of responsibility.
She was paid for (her life).
She sat around watching tv.
She cooked.
She was loved.
She had family.
She did not have to work.
---But omg - the TRUTH is: she was crippled in an accident in which her husband was killed! She was old. She was in pain. The active part of her life was gone...
Yes she was cared for...
But I was in my TWENTIES! THIS is what I envied? Aspired to?
When I was in the hospital for 10 days with pneumonia, I watched tv and crocheted and waited.
I do not want to live that way anymore.
I finally WANT to live.
I'm not pretending that I'm all better now, since my kind of epiphany the night before last. But I AM better somewhat!
I WANT to live.
And the TRUTH is - that in order to do so,
I'll HAVE TO
have more energy
and
do the daily things as needed and take the time off on the legitimate time off. Weekends, vacations,...
More later. Hard to keep the thoughts.
But good.
Also, too much typing (so fast - can't help it) ratchets up my breathing...
--
Also, as one who has always felt invisible,
I have to admit
that I see now
that
I have felt like NO IMPACT.
If I am in work or not in work, who would care... who would even notice
I ca "start over" at any time and since I am invisible, I have no history with anyone.
Omg! This has cost!
Well, I cannot punish myself for those feelings and what they have cost me. Right up until today.
I can only be very very grateful - and I am - very very - for this insight NOW!
More later as it comes.
Thank God.
--
And it's high time I finally realize that
I OWE it to WORK to be healthy too.
It is good for ME also.
MUCH less to worry about.
And the joy of HELPING OTHERS.
And the nice feelings of BEING A WORKER AMONG WORKERS.
And gives me SOMETHING TO DO
And a PURPOSE
And the ability to SUPPORT MYSELF
And HELP PLAN FOR MY OWN FUTURE.
And they do PAY ME AND COUNT ON ME.
I DO exist. People DO notice. I DO matter. I CAN cause discomfort as much as comfort. And must choose the latter.
Wow. Formerly I would ONLY have put this sort of thing in a private notebook.
Here I am putting it on a blog on the worldwide web. Wow.
In order to build my energy:
Eat carefully. Like when I chose broccoli over Dunkin' Donuts this am.
Exercise as soon as am better enough to. Even walking and resistance bands. Both of which I love. DAILY. "Worry" about - well not worry but deal with - dark cold when is dark and cold. Have 6 months before then! Half a YEAR!
More later...
--
I have also been kind of hypochondriacal in earlier days.
And then I tried to overcome that tendency but went too far, I think, kind of always assuming it is all psychological.
Followed by realizing that wasn't right either,
which I fear has led me to listen to the over-worriers as well.
NOW - I FINALLY realize - just take care of self. And when not well, see a doctor. Yes co-pay is expensive, but you can afford! If have to, you give up magazines or something for goodness sake! So, NOTE TO SELF: DON'T FOLLOW OWN JUDGMENT ABOUT ILL! IT IS NOT GOOD!
*******I admit all these things, not just to purge, which I could do in a Microsoft Word document, but HERE, so that MAYBE SOMEONE will be helped by it.
I am a good person. I am not a failure. But I am old to be just learning these things. 58 years old! But better late than never is true for sure! And maybe YOU are reading this now, and are younger (or not), and it will give you hope.
Because I am here to tell you, just a couple of years ago, I wanted to die. Prayed to God to please let me die.
And I am NOWHERE NEAR THERE now.
I did sink twice this year, but for only part of a day, and not nearly so deeply.
Things DO change.
WE DO change.
MY LIFE is NOT "where I want it." In that I am not in a loving male-female partnership like marriage; not part of that kind of a family, in-laws etc., not fit or thin enough (talking health not bikini here); house tiny as it needs need some serious work (structural not talking about curtains here); money issues; mother so ill; wish were doing MORE for her; not enough energy; have fallen behind in all; ... ... ... AND YET *I* FEEL GREAT!
Hopeful!
Happy to be alive THIS DAY!
ENJOYING my birds, a hot cup of tea, art on computer (looking at it), grateful for friendships...
So there is DEFINITELY hope for YOU!!!!!!!
more later, mabye, probably
--
I am getting some nice feedback from principal and parents now. While I am DEEPLY GRATEFUL that I was proactive and didn't hide this time (for once),
I realize how much it means to me. And it's GOOD that I am so easy to be made to feel better. But it is BAD that I care so much what others think of me...
to be cont...
--
--
I have always looked as OTHERS as okay.
I'm only realizing TODAY how much this costs me!
Like A.
Yes, he has some good IDEAS. And in THAT way, I can learn some ideas things fro mhim.
But is HE so okay?
I mean, he is married but they live separately 5 days most weeks; now and then more. They have sex once a week. If something social comes up or a death or something, they will go together. M - F. she doesn't even return his texts or calls. On weekends, when together, he sits alone in one room, with tv and fb, while she is in another room on computer working.
he brings her meals to her there.
He is on fb early am, all day including at work, and until middle of night, between 11;50 pm and 2:30 am depending.
he is politically pushy.
Sex-OBSESSED. Really. And not a yong man.
Lonely.
Determined to stay married for life.
Would love a lover.
THIS is so healthy? NO!
Why do i always ASSUME the OTHER person - lover, friend, co-worker, neighbor.... is FINE and living the RIGHT life,and *I'M* a loser who should be more like them???? Well, I think I KNOW the WHY. (mother's illness/ upbringing). But it's time to STOP that.
Period.
Wow.
more later i think
--
I must help others WITHOUT giving up my down time. I am a needer OF DOWN TIME! WITHOUT IT, MY BODY FINDS IT FOR ME! BY GETTING SICK! !!!!!!
In fact, may old old women have LIVED more than I in the day!
+(9).jpg)
My God, at one point in my 20's, I felt so overwhelmed, that I actually looked at husband's grandmother and WISHED to live like she.
So sick!
She was CRIPPLED.
I'm not saying I wanted to be crippled - no!
BUT -
she spent her days, living in her daughter's home (my mother-in-law). Stitching WHILE SHE STILL COULD. Watching tv. Game shows.
I envied her lack of responsibility.
She was paid for (her life).
She sat around watching tv.
She cooked.
She was loved.
She had family.
She did not have to work.
---But omg - the TRUTH is: she was crippled in an accident in which her husband was killed! She was old. She was in pain. The active part of her life was gone...
Yes she was cared for...
But I was in my TWENTIES! THIS is what I envied? Aspired to?
When I was in the hospital for 10 days with pneumonia, I watched tv and crocheted and waited.
I do not want to live that way anymore.
I finally WANT to live.
I'm not pretending that I'm all better now, since my kind of epiphany the night before last. But I AM better somewhat!
I WANT to live.
And the TRUTH is - that in order to do so,
I'll HAVE TO
have more energy
and
do the daily things as needed and take the time off on the legitimate time off. Weekends, vacations,...
More later. Hard to keep the thoughts.
But good.
Also, too much typing (so fast - can't help it) ratchets up my breathing...
--
Also, as one who has always felt invisible,
I have to admit
that I see now
that
I have felt like NO IMPACT.
If I am in work or not in work, who would care... who would even notice
I ca "start over" at any time and since I am invisible, I have no history with anyone.
Omg! This has cost!
Well, I cannot punish myself for those feelings and what they have cost me. Right up until today.
I can only be very very grateful - and I am - very very - for this insight NOW!
More later as it comes.
Thank God.
--
And it's high time I finally realize that
I OWE it to WORK to be healthy too.
It is good for ME also.
MUCH less to worry about.
And the joy of HELPING OTHERS.
And the nice feelings of BEING A WORKER AMONG WORKERS.
And gives me SOMETHING TO DO
And a PURPOSE
And the ability to SUPPORT MYSELF
And HELP PLAN FOR MY OWN FUTURE.
And they do PAY ME AND COUNT ON ME.
I DO exist. People DO notice. I DO matter. I CAN cause discomfort as much as comfort. And must choose the latter.
Wow. Formerly I would ONLY have put this sort of thing in a private notebook.
Here I am putting it on a blog on the worldwide web. Wow.
In order to build my energy:
Eat carefully. Like when I chose broccoli over Dunkin' Donuts this am.
Exercise as soon as am better enough to. Even walking and resistance bands. Both of which I love. DAILY. "Worry" about - well not worry but deal with - dark cold when is dark and cold. Have 6 months before then! Half a YEAR!
More later...
--
I have also been kind of hypochondriacal in earlier days.
And then I tried to overcome that tendency but went too far, I think, kind of always assuming it is all psychological.
Followed by realizing that wasn't right either,
which I fear has led me to listen to the over-worriers as well.
NOW - I FINALLY realize - just take care of self. And when not well, see a doctor. Yes co-pay is expensive, but you can afford! If have to, you give up magazines or something for goodness sake! So, NOTE TO SELF: DON'T FOLLOW OWN JUDGMENT ABOUT ILL! IT IS NOT GOOD!
*******I admit all these things, not just to purge, which I could do in a Microsoft Word document, but HERE, so that MAYBE SOMEONE will be helped by it.
I am a good person. I am not a failure. But I am old to be just learning these things. 58 years old! But better late than never is true for sure! And maybe YOU are reading this now, and are younger (or not), and it will give you hope.
Because I am here to tell you, just a couple of years ago, I wanted to die. Prayed to God to please let me die.
And I am NOWHERE NEAR THERE now.
I did sink twice this year, but for only part of a day, and not nearly so deeply.
Things DO change.
WE DO change.
MY LIFE is NOT "where I want it." In that I am not in a loving male-female partnership like marriage; not part of that kind of a family, in-laws etc., not fit or thin enough (talking health not bikini here); house tiny as it needs need some serious work (structural not talking about curtains here); money issues; mother so ill; wish were doing MORE for her; not enough energy; have fallen behind in all; ... ... ... AND YET *I* FEEL GREAT!
Hopeful!
Happy to be alive THIS DAY!
ENJOYING my birds, a hot cup of tea, art on computer (looking at it), grateful for friendships...
So there is DEFINITELY hope for YOU!!!!!!!
more later, mabye, probably
--
I am getting some nice feedback from principal and parents now. While I am DEEPLY GRATEFUL that I was proactive and didn't hide this time (for once),
I realize how much it means to me. And it's GOOD that I am so easy to be made to feel better. But it is BAD that I care so much what others think of me...
to be cont...
--
--
I have always looked as OTHERS as okay.
I'm only realizing TODAY how much this costs me!
Like A.
Yes, he has some good IDEAS. And in THAT way, I can learn some ideas things fro mhim.
But is HE so okay?
I mean, he is married but they live separately 5 days most weeks; now and then more. They have sex once a week. If something social comes up or a death or something, they will go together. M - F. she doesn't even return his texts or calls. On weekends, when together, he sits alone in one room, with tv and fb, while she is in another room on computer working.
he brings her meals to her there.
He is on fb early am, all day including at work, and until middle of night, between 11;50 pm and 2:30 am depending.
he is politically pushy.
Sex-OBSESSED. Really. And not a yong man.
Lonely.
Determined to stay married for life.
Would love a lover.
THIS is so healthy? NO!
Why do i always ASSUME the OTHER person - lover, friend, co-worker, neighbor.... is FINE and living the RIGHT life,and *I'M* a loser who should be more like them???? Well, I think I KNOW the WHY. (mother's illness/ upbringing). But it's time to STOP that.
Period.
Wow.
more later i think
--
I must help others WITHOUT giving up my down time. I am a needer OF DOWN TIME! WITHOUT IT, MY BODY FINDS IT FOR ME! BY GETTING SICK! !!!!!!
Today's Nicies - Will Add As Day Goes on
________
"We are always pregnant with a truer version of ourselves." Marianne Williamson
"We are always pregnant with a truer version of ourselves." Marianne Williamson
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. I am so grateful for this yarn J bought for me and brought over
2. And that I managed to make sub plans today
3. And good ones
4. That I have these 4 days to get better
5. That I have some job security since have been so sick so much
6. The leaves – finally green leaves! – outside my window right now!
7. That I can see
8. I am grateful fo the sunshine
9. And for everything every one is doing to help our planet and therefore all of us
10. My sweet beautiful birds
11. And how they were all over me last night again
12. And how I sing to them
13. How well they get along; each with own personality. I love them so much. They bring me such joy. And I hope to bring them such joy too!
14. My friend A.
15. Some things we’ve said lately
16. Great doctor visit yesterday
17. This cough syrup
18. This antibiotic
19. My eye drops
20. Hope for fun and lightness
21. And the birds even help with that.
22. So grateful that I took them into my home and my life, as my birthday present to myself.
23. Hope for the future
24. And for this day too
25. The sort of epiphany the night before last
26. Coffee. Really
27. The student’s babysitter who taught me to crochet
28. That I may be able to spend a little time with J soon. Really.
29. Blog
30. Fb posts of nspiration
31. And of art
32. Broccoli
33. Spinach
34. Kale
35. That my birdies love leafy green veggies!
36. People who help. Period.
37. Books
38. Coloring pages for adults – patterns, modern art, nature…
39. Shrinks who are smart. Irl and online and in book
40. Jewel’s tail sticking straight up as he leans down and eats his greens right now
41. Pretty things
42. Gold
43. Jewelry
44. Chrystals
45. Fireplace
46. Desk
47. Sitcoms
48. Pianos
49. The acting in plays I used to do
50. Crayons
51. And colored pencils. Really.
52. And markers
53. All the help healing J gave me. Emotionally
54. And physically too
55. The times swimming together
56. The great sex
57. This day
58. And my finally caring for myself
59. My hands
60. Vitamin c
61. That I am a vegan, but not perfect. Yes really.
62. When I had a family
63. That I can manage
64. When I look pretty
65. The park so nearby
66. Nature
67. Doggie. I shall see her soon, I think
68. Diets. I mean that. like not diets diets but ways of eating well
69. Baths
70. That lovely bath yesterday
71. Honest people
72. Water
73. Trees
74. All birds
75. And elephants
76. And giraffes
77. Toys for the birds
78. Exercise. I can’t wait to do it again
79. Artists who are authentic
80. My titanium pan
81. Not using Teflon (birds – AND self lol)
82. That I have a place to live. A home. Very little. Needs work. But I am not homeless
83. That I can drive. (I remember when I couldn’t)
84. That I can speak (I remember when I couldn’t)
85. Buds. Leaf buds
86. And flower buds
87. The swing for my birds. That’s the best!
88. Ducks
89. Swans
90. Geese
91. Chipmunks
92. Squirrels
93. That I have them right at my home (squirrels)
94. And even did in one apartment
95. Hot tea
96. Hot soup
97. Sleep
98. The Tate Museum. I was shocked at the horrible neighborhood and way I had to get there but LOVED the art work, so much of it!
99. That I am not a very bad speller
100. The gift of my life
101. and my health.
102. Today.
1. I am so grateful for this yarn J bought for me and brought over
2. And that I managed to make sub plans today
3. And good ones
4. That I have these 4 days to get better
5. That I have some job security since have been so sick so much
6. The leaves – finally green leaves! – outside my window right now!
7. That I can see
8. I am grateful fo the sunshine
9. And for everything every one is doing to help our planet and therefore all of us
10. My sweet beautiful birds
11. And how they were all over me last night again
12. And how I sing to them
13. How well they get along; each with own personality. I love them so much. They bring me such joy. And I hope to bring them such joy too!
14. My friend A.
15. Some things we’ve said lately
16. Great doctor visit yesterday
17. This cough syrup
18. This antibiotic
19. My eye drops
20. Hope for fun and lightness
21. And the birds even help with that.
22. So grateful that I took them into my home and my life, as my birthday present to myself.
23. Hope for the future
24. And for this day too
25. The sort of epiphany the night before last
26. Coffee. Really
27. The student’s babysitter who taught me to crochet
28. That I may be able to spend a little time with J soon. Really.
29. Blog
30. Fb posts of nspiration
31. And of art
32. Broccoli
33. Spinach
34. Kale
35. That my birdies love leafy green veggies!
36. People who help. Period.
37. Books
38. Coloring pages for adults – patterns, modern art, nature…
39. Shrinks who are smart. Irl and online and in book
40. Jewel’s tail sticking straight up as he leans down and eats his greens right now
41. Pretty things
42. Gold
43. Jewelry
44. Chrystals
45. Fireplace
46. Desk
47. Sitcoms
48. Pianos
49. The acting in plays I used to do
50. Crayons
51. And colored pencils. Really.
52. And markers
53. All the help healing J gave me. Emotionally
54. And physically too
55. The times swimming together
56. The great sex
57. This day
58. And my finally caring for myself
59. My hands
60. Vitamin c
61. That I am a vegan, but not perfect. Yes really.
62. When I had a family
63. That I can manage
64. When I look pretty
65. The park so nearby
66. Nature
67. Doggie. I shall see her soon, I think
68. Diets. I mean that. like not diets diets but ways of eating well
69. Baths
70. That lovely bath yesterday
71. Honest people
72. Water
73. Trees
74. All birds
75. And elephants
76. And giraffes
77. Toys for the birds
78. Exercise. I can’t wait to do it again
79. Artists who are authentic
80. My titanium pan
81. Not using Teflon (birds – AND self lol)
82. That I have a place to live. A home. Very little. Needs work. But I am not homeless
83. That I can drive. (I remember when I couldn’t)
84. That I can speak (I remember when I couldn’t)
85. Buds. Leaf buds
86. And flower buds
87. The swing for my birds. That’s the best!
88. Ducks
89. Swans
90. Geese
91. Chipmunks
92. Squirrels
93. That I have them right at my home (squirrels)
94. And even did in one apartment
95. Hot tea
96. Hot soup
97. Sleep
98. The Tate Museum. I was shocked at the horrible neighborhood and way I had to get there but LOVED the art work, so much of it!
99. That I am not a very bad speller
100. The gift of my life
101. and my health.
102. Today.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Today's Today's Gift
"I shall tell you a great secret, my friend. Do not wait for the last judgment. It takes place every day." Albert Camus
We live our program in one-day portions - and our actions today have immediate consequences. For instance, if we listen to a brother or a sister in the program, we may be enriched and the other person strengthened for today's challenge. We don't have to confront every temptation of life on this day - only the portion we can handle. Our old insanity would have us predict the entire story of our future from today's limited viewpoint. But our spiritual orientation guides us to restrain ourselves. We simply live in this moment.
The rewards of recovery are granted every day. We begin with the gift of a new day and new possibilities. We now have relationship that sustain us through difficulty and give us reason to celebrate. We have a new feeling of self-respect and hope.
I am grateful for the rewards of each day in my spiritual awakening.
--
Wow I love this!
We live our program in one-day portions - and our actions today have immediate consequences. For instance, if we listen to a brother or a sister in the program, we may be enriched and the other person strengthened for today's challenge. We don't have to confront every temptation of life on this day - only the portion we can handle. Our old insanity would have us predict the entire story of our future from today's limited viewpoint. But our spiritual orientation guides us to restrain ourselves. We simply live in this moment.
The rewards of recovery are granted every day. We begin with the gift of a new day and new possibilities. We now have relationship that sustain us through difficulty and give us reason to celebrate. We have a new feeling of self-respect and hope.
I am grateful for the rewards of each day in my spiritual awakening.
--
Wow I love this!
Today's The Language of Letting Go
Lessons on the Job
Often, the spiritual and recovery lessons we're learning at work reflect the lessons we're learning in other areas of our life.
Often, the systems we're attracted to in our working life are similar to the systems in which we find ourselves living and loving. Those are the systems that reflect our issues and can help us learn our lessons.
Are we slowly learning to trust ourselves at work? How about at home? Are we slowly learning to take care of ourselves at work? How about at home? Are we slowly learning boundaries and self-esteem, overcoming fear, and dealing with feelings?
If we search back over our work history, we will probably see that it is a mirror of our issues, our growth. It most likely is now too.
For today, we can believe that we are right where we need to be - at home and at work.
Today, I will accept my present circumstances on the job. I will reflect on how what I am learning in my life applies to what I'm learning at work. If I don't know, I will surrender to the experience until that becomes clear. God, help me accept the work I have been given to do today. Help me be open to and learn what I need to be learning. Help me trust that it can and will be good.
Often, the spiritual and recovery lessons we're learning at work reflect the lessons we're learning in other areas of our life.
Often, the systems we're attracted to in our working life are similar to the systems in which we find ourselves living and loving. Those are the systems that reflect our issues and can help us learn our lessons.
Are we slowly learning to trust ourselves at work? How about at home? Are we slowly learning to take care of ourselves at work? How about at home? Are we slowly learning boundaries and self-esteem, overcoming fear, and dealing with feelings?
If we search back over our work history, we will probably see that it is a mirror of our issues, our growth. It most likely is now too.
For today, we can believe that we are right where we need to be - at home and at work.
Today, I will accept my present circumstances on the job. I will reflect on how what I am learning in my life applies to what I'm learning at work. If I don't know, I will surrender to the experience until that becomes clear. God, help me accept the work I have been given to do today. Help me be open to and learn what I need to be learning. Help me trust that it can and will be good.
Today's Food for Thought
Hungry or Bored?
When we ate compulsively, we often interpreted boredom to be hunger. When there seemed to be nothing else to do, we could always eat! Unstructured time may have made us anxious; we thought we could fill up with food and allay our anxieties.
To be egotistical and self-centered is to be bored. If we are always the center of our awareness, we will soon tire of ourselves, since none of us is all that fascinating. In order to escape boredom, we need to turn our attention outward and focus on something besides self.
When we give our lives to our Higher Power, we are making a commitment of service. We are asking that His will be done and that He use us as He sees fit. By relieving us of our obsession, God frees us from slavery to our appetites. If we are to remain free, we need to serve Him instead of ourselves. Day by day, He shows us our tasks and as we become absorbed in them, we lose our boredom along with our falst hunger.
May I now the true nourishment of doing Your will.
--
And note to self:
Food cannot allay my anxieties. It can only help me to escape then, and ALL of living for those minutes. Hours. Years.
Food can solve emotional problems as well as dishes in the gas tank can make a car run! Different items - different abilities!
When we ate compulsively, we often interpreted boredom to be hunger. When there seemed to be nothing else to do, we could always eat! Unstructured time may have made us anxious; we thought we could fill up with food and allay our anxieties.
To be egotistical and self-centered is to be bored. If we are always the center of our awareness, we will soon tire of ourselves, since none of us is all that fascinating. In order to escape boredom, we need to turn our attention outward and focus on something besides self.
When we give our lives to our Higher Power, we are making a commitment of service. We are asking that His will be done and that He use us as He sees fit. By relieving us of our obsession, God frees us from slavery to our appetites. If we are to remain free, we need to serve Him instead of ourselves. Day by day, He shows us our tasks and as we become absorbed in them, we lose our boredom along with our falst hunger.
May I now the true nourishment of doing Your will.
--
And note to self:
Food cannot allay my anxieties. It can only help me to escape then, and ALL of living for those minutes. Hours. Years.
Food can solve emotional problems as well as dishes in the gas tank can make a car run! Different items - different abilities!
Today's Each Day a New Beginning
"She knows omnipotence has heard her prayer and cries, 'It shall be done -- sometimes, somewhere.'" Ophelia Guyon Browning
Patience is a quality that frequently eludes us. we want what we want when we want it. Fortunately, we don't get it until the time is right, but the waiting convinces us our prayers aren't heard. We must believe that the answer always comes in its own special time and place. The frustration is that our timetable is seldom like God's.
When we look back over the past few weeks, months, or even years, we can recall past prayers. Had they all been answered at the time of request, how different our lives would be. We are each on a path unique to us, offering special lessons to be learned. Just as a child must crawl before walking, so must we move slowly, taking the steps in our growth in sequence.
Our prayers will be answered, sometime, somewhere. Of that we can be sure. They will be answered for our greater good. And they will be answered at the right time, the right place, in the right way.
I am participating in a much bigger picture than the one in my individual prayers. And the big picture is being carefully orchestrated. I will trust the part I have been chosen to play. and I can be patient.
--
This is HUGE to me! I hope it helps someone(s) else too!
Patience is a quality that frequently eludes us. we want what we want when we want it. Fortunately, we don't get it until the time is right, but the waiting convinces us our prayers aren't heard. We must believe that the answer always comes in its own special time and place. The frustration is that our timetable is seldom like God's.
When we look back over the past few weeks, months, or even years, we can recall past prayers. Had they all been answered at the time of request, how different our lives would be. We are each on a path unique to us, offering special lessons to be learned. Just as a child must crawl before walking, so must we move slowly, taking the steps in our growth in sequence.
Our prayers will be answered, sometime, somewhere. Of that we can be sure. They will be answered for our greater good. And they will be answered at the right time, the right place, in the right way.
I am participating in a much bigger picture than the one in my individual prayers. And the big picture is being carefully orchestrated. I will trust the part I have been chosen to play. and I can be patient.
--
This is HUGE to me! I hope it helps someone(s) else too!
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful: 
1. bath this am
2. and hot
3. and bubbly
4. and soap
5. and warm towel
6. grateful that ave birds fresh water
7. and fresh foods
8. and found their dispenser food and water givers last night
9. VERY VERY GRATEFUL that it turns out I DO want to live
10. And that I can breathe at all (Because this has been bad)
11. I was a very sick person in some ways. When I THINK now – of how DEPENDENT I was on J! How SCARY everything was to me. I mean, not only tunnels. And bridges. But – stamp machines – Panera’s. My book group in that woman’s house. All the things to which he drove me. I couldn’t do dry cleaners anymore. I was a phobic! I have finally finally at this late age/stage finally realized – omg – stores are just stores. Doctors are just here to help, doing their jobs. London helped. Airport people, hotel people, al the arrangements on the phone… I am NOT a defective scared
12. That I called the principal. Previously I would have avoided out of fear. This was relieving. I am grateful for that change in my that gave some relief rather than hiding.
13. The dr. I saw today.
14. The prescriptions. When one needs them, one needs them.
15. J. he actually went to the yarn store for me today and called me FROM there to talk about colors. And dropped off the pretty yarn for me. And paid for it.
16. That I thanked him so much and told him how much joy the tulips were bringing me.
17. And he said how he’d noticed them too. And, “You’re welcome.” Here they are. (There are a few more on other side, fewer, too).
18. That I am a person who is able to drive myself to the dr.
19. That I did not have a long wait.
20. That it is in a convenient-to-me place
21. That A is out tonight. That will be good for me to have a night without (online communication with him)
22. That someone I love and respect from online (female) just IMed and asked for my address
23. That the birds seem so happy and well and fie and well-adjusted.
24. That they have never squawked once.
25. Or seemed lethargic or anything like that at all.
26. I just this minute got invited to a b’day party.
27. It is out at a place, and inconvenient for me to get to. BUT is a Saturday, so there is a chance. I am grateful to have gotten invited.
28. Also, A. might be there. And it would be very good for me to not give a flying you-know-what what he thinks of me. Or my fat…
29. Every minutes I am not worried and fearful. I am so often, that I am grateful for every one when I am not!
30. And less now than before. (more minutes not)
31. They fears are not always as big or as long-lasting.
32. To be honest, I do have some little work worries right now. And some little house and money worries. BUT I am so very very grateful that they are less and that I DO believe they will become lesser still!
33. That in the night, coughing and dizzy and throwing up a little and very afraid, with friend online warning me about how serious this could be…, I actually wrote – I have it here right in front of me right now – “God help me. I want to live. Please let me live.” I am so glad that I wrote that.
34. And of course that I felt it!
35. And I also wrote (and felt): “If I live through this, I will value my life! Eat well. Lose the weight. Live EACH day. Not obsess about A or any man.” Omg!
36. And “APPRECIATE the days, the years.
37. Piano
38. Birds
39. House
40. Job
41. Car
42. FRIENDS
43. mother
44. J
45. All loved ones”
46. And this too! “Wow. I really DO appreciate my life.”
47. And that when so scared, I did write something for J in case I like, died, or something. But that it wasn’t an “I love you forever” note, which I thought would be selfish and make him think of ME. It was more REALLY a note to help HIM. I THINK I was smart about it!
48. And – I got things ready for the birds. Just in case.
49. And asked to take to somewhere safe. Phew.
50. And – that I am now making contingency plans for them.
51. Although I EXPECT to live for a long long time.
52. And WANT to too.
53. And then, and this is embarrassing to share, but so is much of what I write here … I wrote this. I see it now: “Dear Self, If you DO make it: My life IS worth living! Just as it is even! Yay! There IS something in each day to be cherished! Oh, thank you, God! And may I never ever forget! Amen
54. And I wrote under it: “It’s like an epiphany. I’m not angry at myself anymore. I want to massage my own skin. Stretch my muscles. Love and cherish my body!”
55. And this morning I had written (before falling back asleep, like middle of night I think – all of these were in bed) – “when you’re worried aobut your healthy, this other stuff doesn’t matter so much. Not even J. wow. HUGE lesson. HUGE.”
56. That I actually came to the point, although I love him very much and do wish and hope we can get back one day, I actually came to feel that my own breath is more important to me than J. IT’S ABOUT TIME!
57. And that I wrote to M
58. And she did plans for me
59. And I asked her to remind me if I ever get depressed again, that I realized I DO appreciate my life! I REALIZED that last night! I FELT it maybe for the first time!!______
60. And that I KIND OF don’t care that I am a dorky little wuss and anyone who reads this can know it. I am who I am! Thank God for that feeling.
61. I am grateful that I am grateful that I woke up today.
62. People who plant trees
63. Frogs
64. Beees
65. The sun and how it felt on me in car while driving to the dr today
66. The warmer weather. So much better for me.
67. And J. mentioning that if over 60 (in his works) I should sit in the backyard… so nice
68. That I take good care of my birds
69. I’m watching them eat together right now.
70. That I can see
71. That I can breathe.
72. That I can hear
73. That I have vegetables in this hose right now. Even organic ones.
74. And might even have great broccoli in garlic sauce for dinner
75. TV. For now. It helps me.
76. That I will send something to Jo for her upcoming b’day.
77. Cell phone
78. Computer (laptop)
79. Bird Talk magazine. All of which I brought to the dr’s office
80. Allergist appointment coming up.
81. Putting my own health first. Finally. May I continue to so it doesn’t have to get to these points again. : )
82. Summer is even coming.
83. And in summer, I can walk in the aquaduct
84. Or at least the park down the street
85. Or the one to which I drive
86. And at the little beach by that park too.
87. And swim in the sound, oh thank God.
88. I am going to meditate. 2 x a day for 5 minutes each time starting today.
89. I will build up time afterward.
90. I am grateful that I’ve seen Broadway shows
91. And the works of art at the Tate Museum of Modern Art in London.
92. And that when I had first come home last year, I’d shared with L my notes from there and he’d sat at his computer and we went through some of them. And discussed. That was so nice.
93. That I know Mindfulness Meditation
94. And Reiki
95. That I DO have the tools to eat well and healthfully and lose weight. I have a refrigerator
96. And a stove
97. And an oven
98. And a microwave
99. And a freezer
100. And pots
101. And pans
102. And dishes
103. And forks
104. And knives
105. And spoons
106. And spatulas
107. And baking pans
108. And a Chinese delivery place right at the corner
109. And two convenient health food stores
110. And a supermarket with not bad prices, right nearby!
111. And prayer
112. And OA available
113. And ww today
114. And enough money for all of the above
Thank you, God
1. bath this am
2. and hot
3. and bubbly
4. and soap
5. and warm towel
6. grateful that ave birds fresh water
7. and fresh foods
8. and found their dispenser food and water givers last night
9. VERY VERY GRATEFUL that it turns out I DO want to live
10. And that I can breathe at all (Because this has been bad)
11. I was a very sick person in some ways. When I THINK now – of how DEPENDENT I was on J! How SCARY everything was to me. I mean, not only tunnels. And bridges. But – stamp machines – Panera’s. My book group in that woman’s house. All the things to which he drove me. I couldn’t do dry cleaners anymore. I was a phobic! I have finally finally at this late age/stage finally realized – omg – stores are just stores. Doctors are just here to help, doing their jobs. London helped. Airport people, hotel people, al the arrangements on the phone… I am NOT a defective scared
12. That I called the principal. Previously I would have avoided out of fear. This was relieving. I am grateful for that change in my that gave some relief rather than hiding.
13. The dr. I saw today.
14. The prescriptions. When one needs them, one needs them.
15. J. he actually went to the yarn store for me today and called me FROM there to talk about colors. And dropped off the pretty yarn for me. And paid for it.
16. That I thanked him so much and told him how much joy the tulips were bringing me.
17. And he said how he’d noticed them too. And, “You’re welcome.” Here they are. (There are a few more on other side, fewer, too).
18. That I am a person who is able to drive myself to the dr.
19. That I did not have a long wait.
20. That it is in a convenient-to-me place
21. That A is out tonight. That will be good for me to have a night without (online communication with him)
22. That someone I love and respect from online (female) just IMed and asked for my address
23. That the birds seem so happy and well and fie and well-adjusted.
24. That they have never squawked once.
25. Or seemed lethargic or anything like that at all.
26. I just this minute got invited to a b’day party.
27. It is out at a place, and inconvenient for me to get to. BUT is a Saturday, so there is a chance. I am grateful to have gotten invited.
28. Also, A. might be there. And it would be very good for me to not give a flying you-know-what what he thinks of me. Or my fat…
29. Every minutes I am not worried and fearful. I am so often, that I am grateful for every one when I am not!
30. And less now than before. (more minutes not)
31. They fears are not always as big or as long-lasting.
32. To be honest, I do have some little work worries right now. And some little house and money worries. BUT I am so very very grateful that they are less and that I DO believe they will become lesser still!
33. That in the night, coughing and dizzy and throwing up a little and very afraid, with friend online warning me about how serious this could be…, I actually wrote – I have it here right in front of me right now – “God help me. I want to live. Please let me live.” I am so glad that I wrote that.
34. And of course that I felt it!
35. And I also wrote (and felt): “If I live through this, I will value my life! Eat well. Lose the weight. Live EACH day. Not obsess about A or any man.” Omg!
36. And “APPRECIATE the days, the years.
37. Piano
38. Birds
39. House
40. Job
41. Car
42. FRIENDS
43. mother
44. J
45. All loved ones”
46. And this too! “Wow. I really DO appreciate my life.”
47. And that when so scared, I did write something for J in case I like, died, or something. But that it wasn’t an “I love you forever” note, which I thought would be selfish and make him think of ME. It was more REALLY a note to help HIM. I THINK I was smart about it!
48. And – I got things ready for the birds. Just in case.
49. And asked to take to somewhere safe. Phew.
50. And – that I am now making contingency plans for them.
51. Although I EXPECT to live for a long long time.
52. And WANT to too.
53. And then, and this is embarrassing to share, but so is much of what I write here … I wrote this. I see it now: “Dear Self, If you DO make it: My life IS worth living! Just as it is even! Yay! There IS something in each day to be cherished! Oh, thank you, God! And may I never ever forget! Amen
54. And I wrote under it: “It’s like an epiphany. I’m not angry at myself anymore. I want to massage my own skin. Stretch my muscles. Love and cherish my body!”
55. And this morning I had written (before falling back asleep, like middle of night I think – all of these were in bed) – “when you’re worried aobut your healthy, this other stuff doesn’t matter so much. Not even J. wow. HUGE lesson. HUGE.”
56. That I actually came to the point, although I love him very much and do wish and hope we can get back one day, I actually came to feel that my own breath is more important to me than J. IT’S ABOUT TIME!
57. And that I wrote to M
58. And she did plans for me
59. And I asked her to remind me if I ever get depressed again, that I realized I DO appreciate my life! I REALIZED that last night! I FELT it maybe for the first time!!______
60. And that I KIND OF don’t care that I am a dorky little wuss and anyone who reads this can know it. I am who I am! Thank God for that feeling.
61. I am grateful that I am grateful that I woke up today.
62. People who plant trees
63. Frogs
64. Beees
65. The sun and how it felt on me in car while driving to the dr today
66. The warmer weather. So much better for me.
67. And J. mentioning that if over 60 (in his works) I should sit in the backyard… so nice
68. That I take good care of my birds
69. I’m watching them eat together right now.
70. That I can see
71. That I can breathe.
72. That I can hear
73. That I have vegetables in this hose right now. Even organic ones.
74. And might even have great broccoli in garlic sauce for dinner
75. TV. For now. It helps me.
76. That I will send something to Jo for her upcoming b’day.
77. Cell phone
78. Computer (laptop)
79. Bird Talk magazine. All of which I brought to the dr’s office
80. Allergist appointment coming up.
81. Putting my own health first. Finally. May I continue to so it doesn’t have to get to these points again. : )
82. Summer is even coming.
83. And in summer, I can walk in the aquaduct
84. Or at least the park down the street
85. Or the one to which I drive
86. And at the little beach by that park too.
87. And swim in the sound, oh thank God.
88. I am going to meditate. 2 x a day for 5 minutes each time starting today.
89. I will build up time afterward.
90. I am grateful that I’ve seen Broadway shows
91. And the works of art at the Tate Museum of Modern Art in London.
92. And that when I had first come home last year, I’d shared with L my notes from there and he’d sat at his computer and we went through some of them. And discussed. That was so nice.
93. That I know Mindfulness Meditation
94. And Reiki
95. That I DO have the tools to eat well and healthfully and lose weight. I have a refrigerator
96. And a stove
97. And an oven
98. And a microwave
99. And a freezer
100. And pots
101. And pans
102. And dishes
103. And forks
104. And knives
105. And spoons
106. And spatulas
107. And baking pans
108. And a Chinese delivery place right at the corner
109. And two convenient health food stores
110. And a supermarket with not bad prices, right nearby!
111. And prayer
112. And OA available
113. And ww today
114. And enough money for all of the above
Thank you, God
And Some Nicies for Today Too - will add as day and eve progress
__________
______________
When you own your breath, nobody can steal your peace.
~Author Unknown
Artist: Margherita Arkaura.
____________
______________
When you own your breath, nobody can steal your peace.
~Author Unknown
Artist: Margherita Arkaura.
____________
Back from Doctor
It is NOT pneumonia. Yay!
Deep-seated and well-rooted bronchitis on top of flu
3 prescriptions and home til Monday
Just want to get better.
And SO grateful that WANT to live, unlike when didn't!
Lots more.
Doing grats and list.
Deep-seated and well-rooted bronchitis on top of flu
3 prescriptions and home til Monday
Just want to get better.
And SO grateful that WANT to live, unlike when didn't!
Lots more.
Doing grats and list.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
I'm Scared
mayoclinic lists MY symptoms and says then:
When to see a doctor
Because pneumonia can be serious, see your doctor as soon as possible if you have a persistent cough, shortness of breath, chest pain, and fever — especially a lasting fever of 102 F (39 C) or higher with chills and sweating. Also contact your doctor if you suddenly feel worse after a cold or the flu.
Be especially prompt about seeking medical care if you're an older adult or you smoke, drink excessively, have an injury, are undergoing chemotherapy or taking medication, such as prednisone, that suppresses your immune system. For some older adults and people with heart failure or lung ailments, pneumonia can quickly become a life-threatening condition.
i'm going tomorrow morning
i'm scared now:(
the great news is
i can honestly say i DON"T want to die
When to see a doctor
Because pneumonia can be serious, see your doctor as soon as possible if you have a persistent cough, shortness of breath, chest pain, and fever — especially a lasting fever of 102 F (39 C) or higher with chills and sweating. Also contact your doctor if you suddenly feel worse after a cold or the flu.
Be especially prompt about seeking medical care if you're an older adult or you smoke, drink excessively, have an injury, are undergoing chemotherapy or taking medication, such as prednisone, that suppresses your immune system. For some older adults and people with heart failure or lung ailments, pneumonia can quickly become a life-threatening condition.
i'm going tomorrow morning
i'm scared now:(
the great news is
i can honestly say i DON"T want to die
Goodies - More As Eve Progresses
Things will change when you are desperate for a change.
Trust in your gut. It's often quite wiseAre you on the border line and deep in trouble ?
Start praying, take a breathe breath and then act.
___________
Dream big. Never allow your logical mind to talk you out of pursuing your dreams. Your dreams are made for you. Trying is the only way to know if they are possible to achieve.
__________________________
"On my journey of healing I got other people's advice. I went to a counselor. I attended support groups. Yet no matter who or what I brought in to help, no matter how good the advice, I did not achieve the healing I wanted. Until I realized I am the only one capable of taking action. So I took full responsibility for changing my behavior, for ending my fears, for quieting my judgmental and egotistical mind. By assuming complete responsibility for me I learned to love and respect myself. Self-love and respect are what allowed me, to heal me." - Blessings, Regina of Romancing Your Soul
Monday, April 22, 2013
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. Sunday. Left at about 4. Got home before 6. SO MUCH involved in that one trip, for which to be – and I am – grateful. Took lovely ride up our main road.
2. Felt the sun on me in the car
3. Stopped to fill car with gas.
4. Now don’t have to tomorrow
5. And – it was full serve! Yay. (More places in NY are not than are!)
6. Safe trip up.
7. Pleasant
8. Went in and spoke with the young woman, about someone coming here possibly to clip wings.
9. She remembered me from the phone.
10. She said call back Tues after 2 and the “girl” who does that will be in.
11. She gave me her own name and told me to ask for her.
12. The owner – who is always kind of snotty – was nice to me!
13. I bought some toys! For my dear birdies. For rotation purposes.
14. And as J. always was careful about on my behalf when I would buy treat things for, it makes ME happy to do : )
15. I am actually grateful for many things I’ve learned from J.
16. Including that if you look in phone book or online, or drive around, or look in book store, you will see MANY people with help for whatever ails YOU psychologically. And those are not all there in case YOU would sometime need it. You are not alone!
17. Anyway, got the bird seed I went for.
18. And it seems they are eating the pellets I put in with it. Yay.
19. And I’m grateful that they love greens!
20. Then I stopped at hfs which I love.
21. And got some vegan salami
22. And vegan cheese
23. And organic spinach
24. And organic green beans
25. And gardein vegan chicken
26. And gardein vegan ribs
27. And gardein vegan sliders
28. And Amy’s vegan pizza with rice crust
29. And organic vegan soy ravioli
30. And Mediterranean hummus. And I am very grateful.
31. And I got home and the birdies seemed pretty happy to see me.
32. They spent much of the day in the l.r. today! With me nearby, and some piano time for them, and a new toy in their cage.
33. They are singing (chirping really) beautifully now.
34. I came home and made this for dinner: Organic spinach, a whole box, with 2 t Earth Balance mixed in, a LOT of garlic powder, 5 slices vegan salami and ¼ cup Daiya vegan mozzarella on top. It was yummy and filling and good.
35. The tulips J. planted for me when he loved me are blooming. I’d forgotten that they are red and yellow. So beautiful. A surprise for me. My favorites. In a very prominent place, and where they would get enough sun.
36. My forsythia is in bloom.
37. My lilac is in leaf
38. It comes from a cutting from MA’s over 75 year old lilac
39. It had to be transplanted, moved. But I Reikied it that night. And it has done beautifully.
40. I had hope even about getting the house fixed when I got home and saw the pretty flowers and the yellow trim on white.
41. I am now going to spend a little time with the birds. Thank you God, for everything.
42. That I was there to help a friend in need last night
43. That I awakened this morning (1 – 41 I wrote on Sun eve)
44. That the birds are fine and well this morning
45. That I slept last night.
46. That I’m coming right home to sleep today
47. And going for medical tests on weekend.
48. This: BE HAPPY
Because You Are ALIVE
EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
— Thich Nhat Hanh
49. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IIn3-KlLeU
50. and that the friend with whom I shared it has shared it too.
51. I’m grateful that I did that laundry yesterday
52. And that M just called
53. And although I didn’t feel like talking, I answered. It was good for us both
54. Happy birds this morning!
55. Grateful that I didn’t use that detergent-smelling towel for covering them! Yuck.
56. And that tells ME something about more natural detergents
57. That I have been to Disneyland
58. And know enough that I would enjoy it more naturally now.
59. That the whole world is not such a mystery to me. My eyes are more open now.
60. Friends
61. That I have a nice job to go to.
62. And a job at all
63. That the 3 things I FELT would be best for the birds, they DO seem to like the best. The swing with beads and mayve uh oh leather
64. The ring toy that seems to give them not only a lot of fun but a lot of exercise and flexibility as well
65. And the expensive wooden climby toy. And they chew it too.
66. And of course the cuttle bone
67. That besides loving them and being good for them, this is sort of like a hobby too. (I don’t mean to take away anything from their aliveness by saying that!)
68. That it is a flight cage. They are stretching their wings.
69. That I will DECIDE about wing clipping or not. Am reading a lot and trying things with them
70. That they were all over my arm last night! : )
71. Mindfulness
72. That I can breathe
73. Meditate with class
74. That I have them writing more
75. And loving math
76. And reading too
77. Bob Marley’s Don’t Worry Be Happy – I love his original version
78. Song
79. Birdsong
80. Kale
81. And it’s organic too
82. J. buying it for me yesterday
83. That I saw Summer use the ladder finally
84. Bells
85. Buddhism
86. Thich Naht Hanh
87. Lighthearted people
88. Good mothers
89. Good fathers
90. Every time I don’t overeat
91. Thought for the day Hazelden site
92. Beautiful facebook posts
93. My cousin Jo
94. Ma’s healthy baby yay
95. Peacemakers
96. Earth Day
97. That father who brought in the Ming dynasty vase go show! Omg!
98. Museums
99. People who donate to them
100. My life. Really. Wow.
1. Sunday. Left at about 4. Got home before 6. SO MUCH involved in that one trip, for which to be – and I am – grateful. Took lovely ride up our main road.
2. Felt the sun on me in the car
3. Stopped to fill car with gas.
4. Now don’t have to tomorrow
5. And – it was full serve! Yay. (More places in NY are not than are!)
6. Safe trip up.
7. Pleasant
8. Went in and spoke with the young woman, about someone coming here possibly to clip wings.
9. She remembered me from the phone.
10. She said call back Tues after 2 and the “girl” who does that will be in.
11. She gave me her own name and told me to ask for her.
12. The owner – who is always kind of snotty – was nice to me!
13. I bought some toys! For my dear birdies. For rotation purposes.
14. And as J. always was careful about on my behalf when I would buy treat things for, it makes ME happy to do : )
15. I am actually grateful for many things I’ve learned from J.
16. Including that if you look in phone book or online, or drive around, or look in book store, you will see MANY people with help for whatever ails YOU psychologically. And those are not all there in case YOU would sometime need it. You are not alone!
17. Anyway, got the bird seed I went for.
18. And it seems they are eating the pellets I put in with it. Yay.
19. And I’m grateful that they love greens!
20. Then I stopped at hfs which I love.
21. And got some vegan salami
22. And vegan cheese
23. And organic spinach
24. And organic green beans
25. And gardein vegan chicken
26. And gardein vegan ribs
27. And gardein vegan sliders
28. And Amy’s vegan pizza with rice crust
29. And organic vegan soy ravioli
30. And Mediterranean hummus. And I am very grateful.
31. And I got home and the birdies seemed pretty happy to see me.
32. They spent much of the day in the l.r. today! With me nearby, and some piano time for them, and a new toy in their cage.
33. They are singing (chirping really) beautifully now.
34. I came home and made this for dinner: Organic spinach, a whole box, with 2 t Earth Balance mixed in, a LOT of garlic powder, 5 slices vegan salami and ¼ cup Daiya vegan mozzarella on top. It was yummy and filling and good.
35. The tulips J. planted for me when he loved me are blooming. I’d forgotten that they are red and yellow. So beautiful. A surprise for me. My favorites. In a very prominent place, and where they would get enough sun.
36. My forsythia is in bloom.
37. My lilac is in leaf
38. It comes from a cutting from MA’s over 75 year old lilac
39. It had to be transplanted, moved. But I Reikied it that night. And it has done beautifully.
40. I had hope even about getting the house fixed when I got home and saw the pretty flowers and the yellow trim on white.
41. I am now going to spend a little time with the birds. Thank you God, for everything.
42. That I was there to help a friend in need last night
43. That I awakened this morning (1 – 41 I wrote on Sun eve)
44. That the birds are fine and well this morning
45. That I slept last night.
46. That I’m coming right home to sleep today
47. And going for medical tests on weekend.
48. This: BE HAPPY
Because You Are ALIVE
EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
— Thich Nhat Hanh
49. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IIn3-KlLeU
50. and that the friend with whom I shared it has shared it too.
51. I’m grateful that I did that laundry yesterday
52. And that M just called
53. And although I didn’t feel like talking, I answered. It was good for us both
54. Happy birds this morning!
55. Grateful that I didn’t use that detergent-smelling towel for covering them! Yuck.
56. And that tells ME something about more natural detergents
57. That I have been to Disneyland
58. And know enough that I would enjoy it more naturally now.
59. That the whole world is not such a mystery to me. My eyes are more open now.
60. Friends
61. That I have a nice job to go to.
62. And a job at all
63. That the 3 things I FELT would be best for the birds, they DO seem to like the best. The swing with beads and mayve uh oh leather
64. The ring toy that seems to give them not only a lot of fun but a lot of exercise and flexibility as well
65. And the expensive wooden climby toy. And they chew it too.
66. And of course the cuttle bone
67. That besides loving them and being good for them, this is sort of like a hobby too. (I don’t mean to take away anything from their aliveness by saying that!)
68. That it is a flight cage. They are stretching their wings.
69. That I will DECIDE about wing clipping or not. Am reading a lot and trying things with them
70. That they were all over my arm last night! : )
71. Mindfulness
72. That I can breathe
73. Meditate with class
74. That I have them writing more
75. And loving math
76. And reading too
77. Bob Marley’s Don’t Worry Be Happy – I love his original version
78. Song
79. Birdsong
80. Kale
81. And it’s organic too
82. J. buying it for me yesterday
83. That I saw Summer use the ladder finally
84. Bells
85. Buddhism
86. Thich Naht Hanh
87. Lighthearted people
88. Good mothers
89. Good fathers
90. Every time I don’t overeat
91. Thought for the day Hazelden site
92. Beautiful facebook posts
93. My cousin Jo
94. Ma’s healthy baby yay
95. Peacemakers
96. Earth Day
97. That father who brought in the Ming dynasty vase go show! Omg!
98. Museums
99. People who donate to them
100. My life. Really. Wow.
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