I am recovering.
I value my life.
I have fun.
I take care of myself.
I am on vacation.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
We are healing individually and together.
We will be happily married soon.
I am recovering.
I value my life.
I have fun.
I take care of myself.
I am on vacation.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
We are healing individually and together.
We will be happily married soon.
I am recovering.
I value my life.
I have fun.
I take care of myself.
I am on vacation.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
We are healing individually and together.
We will be happily married soon.
I am recovering.
I value my life.
I have fun.
I take care of myself.
I am on vacation.
God loves me.
J. loves me.
We are healing individually and together.
We will be happily married soon.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today
I am grateful (starting these on the 28th because already got 100 for the 28th, so starting early ! Good!):
1. I am glad that I have no obligations today.
2. I am actually enjoying my house, that I paid for and worked so hard for, and being in it alone today.
3. And that I have practiced a lot of piano already today! Chopin: )
4. And that right now I am sitting with a pot of blooming-tea and watching Dr. Oz. Because I can.
5. I am sorry that my friend didn’t come, and it was *strange * that her *boyfriend * - ick – called here because he “saw a missed message” and she’s “still sleeping.” I don’t trust him. And I’m not sure she’s not doing something she shouldn’t be doing for her own behalf. But – I am grateful that I am here for her. And I will stay for her.
6. And I am grateful for all that I learn about piano from my piano teacher.
7. And I am grateful that if my friend and I don’t go to the gym together today, I shall go alone tomorrow. Morning.
8. And to a meeting today too.
9. People are nice to me: ) (Just had phone call with pharmacy).
10. I’m starting to think – that – all is as it should be
11. Wed. morning: I am grateful for this thought: DON’T LOSE THE SUMMER BECAUSE YOU’LL GET SUCH A GREAT SCHEDULE AND CAN’T KEEP IT UP IN SEPT WITH WORK – ENJOY IT NOW!!!
12. This one is huge too. HUGE: I was in bed – last night or this morning, I don’t even remember which – and I thought: “I value my life. I’m glad I didn’t kill myself. I want to take care of my body so that I don’t suffer, and so that I can have fun and a good life.” WOW I ALMOST CAN’T BELIEVE I FELT THAT!
13. And I love these flowers. I think (gift)they’re from a florist and they’re expensive and something in the way they’re preserved or something makes me not allergic to them. But they bring me real cheer and I am going to find a way financially to have this kind of thing in my life.
14. I am glad I am going to extend myself for my friend.
15. And that today I shall go to the gym!
16. And my dr. should come later. And if he has to switch, which he said he might, then I’ll go to meeting.
17. And tomorrow is CoDA meeting.
18. And I’ll go *and * I’ll offer service by going far out of my way to bring this elderly person who wants to come but is afraid about finding it her first time. And I’m grateful that I’ll do that.
19. And doggie is here and I shall take a nice walk or two with her today. And if the park isn’t too wet I’ll take her there.
20. And I’m glad that I’ll get to practice piano.
21. And I really don’t have any obligations today except to myself. And that’s good for a change.
22. And maybe tomorrow I’ll take doggie and go to classroom and do some typing of books. Maybe.
23. And I’m very grateful for the people who’ve e-mailed me. Very grateful.
24. I’m grateful that I’m finding myself more extroverted than I thought I was. Like, I look forward to online communications, phone calls, and face-to-face friend time. Even my daily readings, which take me out of my own head and into someone else’s ideas. And I have to get out every day and be among people. Either I was wrong about how I thought I was, or I’ve changed, but I’m happy about it either way.
25. Today’s For Today talks of “fat serenity.” “That may be the price of holding onto self-will, to the need to control through food and fat.” Wow.
26. And it says, “In OA, ‘winners’ go to meetings, work the steps, have sponsors, make telephone calls, and practice abstinence. Have I been hoping for an easier way? There is none.”
27. And “I am not exempt from the cause-and-effect principles that govern the lives of all people.”
28. And “For today: God help me to see the truth about myself – to ask for the help I need and then use it.”
29. It said in a horoscope of mine today: “You may feel motivated today and experience a new level of determination when it comes to your activities. This motivated mind-set could also inspire you to make repairs or do some cleanup around your home. You might want to give some thought to the areas you want to improve and gain a clear idea of what you want to accomplish, as this will give form to your actions and eliminate wasted energy” And I happen to be going to the gym, and trying to set up my sunroom without spending – today!
30. Today’s Daily OM says, “People you feel drawn to reflect your inner self back at you, and you act as a mirror for them as well.” That’s very interesting.
31. And it goes on to say, “When you see beauty, divinity, sweetness, or light in the soul of another, you are seeing the goodness that resides in your soul. When you see traits in others that evoke feelings of anger, annoyance, or hatred, you may be seeing reflected back at you those parts of yourself that you have disowned or do not like.”
32. And” Often, the habits, attitudes, and behaviors of others are closely linked to our unconscious and unresolved issues.”
33. And “When you come into contact with someone you admire, search your soul for similarly admirable traits.”
34. And “Likewise, when you meet someone exhibiting traits that you dislike, accept that you are looking at your reflection. Looking at yourself through your perception of others can be a humbling and eye-opening experience.”
35. And “You can also cultivate in you the traits and behaviors that you do like.” Yay.
36. And this: “Be loving and respectful to all people, and you will attract individuals that will love and respect you back. Nurture compassion and empathy and let the goodness you see in others be your mirror.”
37. I get to see M. tomorrow: )
38. Something I just read online just now: “You might consider taking a few minutes to create an inner vision of yourself as capable, confident, and empowered.”
39. And “ visualize a barrier of positive energy encasing you and know that nothing negative can cross this boundary unless you allow it to.”
40. And “Rather than striking out at perceived threats in an effort to defend ourselves, we can understand that our sense of safety and protection comes from within.”
41. And this: “As we learn to build up our confidence and inner strength, we develop the ability to detach from negativity and we no longer feel so vulnerable. We then benefit from a sense of safety and inner balance and the ability to handle any situation with a cool, calm, and contained attitude.”
42. And my favorite, this: “By setting strong emotional boundaries today, you are affirming your ability to take care of yourself in any situation.”
43. My piano practice is going well this morning, especially the left hand.
44. I Daily OM this one: “Tears are as natural to us as breathing and there is beauty in allowing yourself to be open to the pain of tears.”
45. And it goes on to say this: “How wonderful it feels to give in and let tears flow when we are overwhelmed with emotions, whether we are happy or sad. Tears come from the soul, from our well of feelings rising from deep down. When we give in to the prickling behind our eyes and the lump in our throat to let teardrops fall from our eyes, we allow our feelings to surface so they can be set free.”
46. And among other things: “Tears born from heartache can flow like they’ll never cease,”
47. And this: “Shedding tears can sometimes make us feel better, although it can feel like the tears will never end once the floodgates are open. There is no shame in letting tears flow freely and frequently. Tears are as natural to us as is breathing. There is beauty in allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to shed tears. Open up, release your tears, and let your feelings flow.”
48. I am grateful that I took my shower and washed my hair and did the dishes. I almost didn’t.
49. I spoke with my mom. I’m grateful for that.
50. And that she’s okay today.
51. And that she had such a nice visit with her friend yesterday.
52. And that J. still does her pills weekly.
53. He was on his way over, she said, when I spoke to her. And I panicked that he might stop here and say he wants a divorce. This was ridiculous on my part. First of all because he can do that any time. And secondly because I can’t stop him. And third because I have to work on *me. * But although I felt panic, I did the things I have to do and I’m grateful for that.
54. I’m also grateful he didn’t do that.
55. And that my friend finally answered and I know she is okay.
56. And I’m going there for tea.
57. And I’m in my gym clothes and straight from there I’m going to the gym with or without her.
58. I just had a message from J and am glad it wasn’t anything about “us,” it was just could I take my mother for her routine dr test…
59. And I’m grateful for the dog
60. And for my compassion for her
61. Because the reason I missed that call was when the Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door, she was *so happy * to see them and wanted to play…and I thought, “Oh, this dog needs the park.”
62. So I took her to the park. And I’m grateful for her that I did.
63. And I’m grateful for me that I did.
64. I walked for 30 minutes.
65. I sat by a stream while she drank and lay in it and walked across the rocks and explored for about 5 minutes.
66. And when we were walking a beautiful creature – a butterfly or moth type creature white almost blue came by and hovered and then met up with another one and they flew off together and it was so beautiful.
67. The weather is gorgeous and the park was gorgeous and I’m grateful for that.
68. And that I can walk right to it. That’s so lucky. I want to use it every day this that I can this summer. And especially with her.
69. And that this year I didn’t wait until July to get out there.
70. And that there *is * hope for our marriage, as I become a live-er.
71. And that that’s not why I’m doing it, but because God and my parents gave me life and I should get to have it and do good with it and enjoy it.
72. I’ve been putting off really beginning Step Eight, and in today’s Voices of Recovery it says: “…our purpose in doing Step Eight is not to judge others, but to learn attitudes of mercy and forgiveness.” And that’s fortuitous seeing that today.
73. I am so glad that I went to O’s and had lunch together.
74. And that I overcame my fear and went to the gym. They made an appointment for me for tomorrow for a trainer to show me what to do, so I didn’t exercise there today. And I’m so glad I went
75. And tomorrow I get to go there and exercise – with help.
76. And I had a healthy lunch.
77. Today’s Recovery Meditation says “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Catherine Ponder. Great!
78. And it says: “I have learned that I can be accountable for my
choices and actions.”
79. And “I no longer have to allow myself to be bound by an emotional link to a painful situation.”
80. And this: I will ask my Higher Power to help me to learn to forgive and forget. With the help of my Higher Power, I will let go of unnecessary baggage that causes resentment.”
81. My dr. seems to agree that there is hope. For me.
82. And – *feels * that J will not be asking for a divorce – not out of love, but out of, why bother at this point. Hey, I’ll take that for now.
83. That my friend is alive.
84. That he didn’t hurt her.
85. That he didn’t threaten her.
86. That he didn’t try to get her to take drugs.
87. That she wants to be through with him.
88. Also, I don’t even want drugs in my life and I’m grateful for that.
89. That the windows and doors are open and breeze is coming through (it is morning now).
90. And Ph and I woke up.
91. And I thanked God.
92. And spoke with Sponsor.
93. That I am *able * to drive to take mother to her appointments. So that
94. I have legs
95. And arms
96. And a car
97. And a valid driver’s license
98. And time
99. And gas money
100. And my mother.
1. I am glad that I have no obligations today.
2. I am actually enjoying my house, that I paid for and worked so hard for, and being in it alone today.
3. And that I have practiced a lot of piano already today! Chopin: )
4. And that right now I am sitting with a pot of blooming-tea and watching Dr. Oz. Because I can.
5. I am sorry that my friend didn’t come, and it was *strange * that her *boyfriend * - ick – called here because he “saw a missed message” and she’s “still sleeping.” I don’t trust him. And I’m not sure she’s not doing something she shouldn’t be doing for her own behalf. But – I am grateful that I am here for her. And I will stay for her.
6. And I am grateful for all that I learn about piano from my piano teacher.
7. And I am grateful that if my friend and I don’t go to the gym together today, I shall go alone tomorrow. Morning.
8. And to a meeting today too.
9. People are nice to me: ) (Just had phone call with pharmacy).
10. I’m starting to think – that – all is as it should be
11. Wed. morning: I am grateful for this thought: DON’T LOSE THE SUMMER BECAUSE YOU’LL GET SUCH A GREAT SCHEDULE AND CAN’T KEEP IT UP IN SEPT WITH WORK – ENJOY IT NOW!!!
12. This one is huge too. HUGE: I was in bed – last night or this morning, I don’t even remember which – and I thought: “I value my life. I’m glad I didn’t kill myself. I want to take care of my body so that I don’t suffer, and so that I can have fun and a good life.” WOW I ALMOST CAN’T BELIEVE I FELT THAT!
13. And I love these flowers. I think (gift)they’re from a florist and they’re expensive and something in the way they’re preserved or something makes me not allergic to them. But they bring me real cheer and I am going to find a way financially to have this kind of thing in my life.
14. I am glad I am going to extend myself for my friend.
15. And that today I shall go to the gym!
16. And my dr. should come later. And if he has to switch, which he said he might, then I’ll go to meeting.
17. And tomorrow is CoDA meeting.
18. And I’ll go *and * I’ll offer service by going far out of my way to bring this elderly person who wants to come but is afraid about finding it her first time. And I’m grateful that I’ll do that.
19. And doggie is here and I shall take a nice walk or two with her today. And if the park isn’t too wet I’ll take her there.
20. And I’m glad that I’ll get to practice piano.
21. And I really don’t have any obligations today except to myself. And that’s good for a change.
22. And maybe tomorrow I’ll take doggie and go to classroom and do some typing of books. Maybe.
23. And I’m very grateful for the people who’ve e-mailed me. Very grateful.
24. I’m grateful that I’m finding myself more extroverted than I thought I was. Like, I look forward to online communications, phone calls, and face-to-face friend time. Even my daily readings, which take me out of my own head and into someone else’s ideas. And I have to get out every day and be among people. Either I was wrong about how I thought I was, or I’ve changed, but I’m happy about it either way.
25. Today’s For Today talks of “fat serenity.” “That may be the price of holding onto self-will, to the need to control through food and fat.” Wow.
26. And it says, “In OA, ‘winners’ go to meetings, work the steps, have sponsors, make telephone calls, and practice abstinence. Have I been hoping for an easier way? There is none.”
27. And “I am not exempt from the cause-and-effect principles that govern the lives of all people.”
28. And “For today: God help me to see the truth about myself – to ask for the help I need and then use it.”
29. It said in a horoscope of mine today: “You may feel motivated today and experience a new level of determination when it comes to your activities. This motivated mind-set could also inspire you to make repairs or do some cleanup around your home. You might want to give some thought to the areas you want to improve and gain a clear idea of what you want to accomplish, as this will give form to your actions and eliminate wasted energy” And I happen to be going to the gym, and trying to set up my sunroom without spending – today!
30. Today’s Daily OM says, “People you feel drawn to reflect your inner self back at you, and you act as a mirror for them as well.” That’s very interesting.
31. And it goes on to say, “When you see beauty, divinity, sweetness, or light in the soul of another, you are seeing the goodness that resides in your soul. When you see traits in others that evoke feelings of anger, annoyance, or hatred, you may be seeing reflected back at you those parts of yourself that you have disowned or do not like.”
32. And” Often, the habits, attitudes, and behaviors of others are closely linked to our unconscious and unresolved issues.”
33. And “When you come into contact with someone you admire, search your soul for similarly admirable traits.”
34. And “Likewise, when you meet someone exhibiting traits that you dislike, accept that you are looking at your reflection. Looking at yourself through your perception of others can be a humbling and eye-opening experience.”
35. And “You can also cultivate in you the traits and behaviors that you do like.” Yay.
36. And this: “Be loving and respectful to all people, and you will attract individuals that will love and respect you back. Nurture compassion and empathy and let the goodness you see in others be your mirror.”
37. I get to see M. tomorrow: )
38. Something I just read online just now: “You might consider taking a few minutes to create an inner vision of yourself as capable, confident, and empowered.”
39. And “ visualize a barrier of positive energy encasing you and know that nothing negative can cross this boundary unless you allow it to.”
40. And “Rather than striking out at perceived threats in an effort to defend ourselves, we can understand that our sense of safety and protection comes from within.”
41. And this: “As we learn to build up our confidence and inner strength, we develop the ability to detach from negativity and we no longer feel so vulnerable. We then benefit from a sense of safety and inner balance and the ability to handle any situation with a cool, calm, and contained attitude.”
42. And my favorite, this: “By setting strong emotional boundaries today, you are affirming your ability to take care of yourself in any situation.”
43. My piano practice is going well this morning, especially the left hand.
44. I Daily OM this one: “Tears are as natural to us as breathing and there is beauty in allowing yourself to be open to the pain of tears.”
45. And it goes on to say this: “How wonderful it feels to give in and let tears flow when we are overwhelmed with emotions, whether we are happy or sad. Tears come from the soul, from our well of feelings rising from deep down. When we give in to the prickling behind our eyes and the lump in our throat to let teardrops fall from our eyes, we allow our feelings to surface so they can be set free.”
46. And among other things: “Tears born from heartache can flow like they’ll never cease,”
47. And this: “Shedding tears can sometimes make us feel better, although it can feel like the tears will never end once the floodgates are open. There is no shame in letting tears flow freely and frequently. Tears are as natural to us as is breathing. There is beauty in allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to shed tears. Open up, release your tears, and let your feelings flow.”
48. I am grateful that I took my shower and washed my hair and did the dishes. I almost didn’t.
49. I spoke with my mom. I’m grateful for that.
50. And that she’s okay today.
51. And that she had such a nice visit with her friend yesterday.
52. And that J. still does her pills weekly.
53. He was on his way over, she said, when I spoke to her. And I panicked that he might stop here and say he wants a divorce. This was ridiculous on my part. First of all because he can do that any time. And secondly because I can’t stop him. And third because I have to work on *me. * But although I felt panic, I did the things I have to do and I’m grateful for that.
54. I’m also grateful he didn’t do that.
55. And that my friend finally answered and I know she is okay.
56. And I’m going there for tea.
57. And I’m in my gym clothes and straight from there I’m going to the gym with or without her.
58. I just had a message from J and am glad it wasn’t anything about “us,” it was just could I take my mother for her routine dr test…
59. And I’m grateful for the dog
60. And for my compassion for her
61. Because the reason I missed that call was when the Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door, she was *so happy * to see them and wanted to play…and I thought, “Oh, this dog needs the park.”
62. So I took her to the park. And I’m grateful for her that I did.
63. And I’m grateful for me that I did.
64. I walked for 30 minutes.
65. I sat by a stream while she drank and lay in it and walked across the rocks and explored for about 5 minutes.
66. And when we were walking a beautiful creature – a butterfly or moth type creature white almost blue came by and hovered and then met up with another one and they flew off together and it was so beautiful.
67. The weather is gorgeous and the park was gorgeous and I’m grateful for that.
68. And that I can walk right to it. That’s so lucky. I want to use it every day this that I can this summer. And especially with her.
69. And that this year I didn’t wait until July to get out there.
70. And that there *is * hope for our marriage, as I become a live-er.
71. And that that’s not why I’m doing it, but because God and my parents gave me life and I should get to have it and do good with it and enjoy it.
72. I’ve been putting off really beginning Step Eight, and in today’s Voices of Recovery it says: “…our purpose in doing Step Eight is not to judge others, but to learn attitudes of mercy and forgiveness.” And that’s fortuitous seeing that today.
73. I am so glad that I went to O’s and had lunch together.
74. And that I overcame my fear and went to the gym. They made an appointment for me for tomorrow for a trainer to show me what to do, so I didn’t exercise there today. And I’m so glad I went
75. And tomorrow I get to go there and exercise – with help.
76. And I had a healthy lunch.
77. Today’s Recovery Meditation says “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Catherine Ponder. Great!
78. And it says: “I have learned that I can be accountable for my
choices and actions.”
79. And “I no longer have to allow myself to be bound by an emotional link to a painful situation.”
80. And this: I will ask my Higher Power to help me to learn to forgive and forget. With the help of my Higher Power, I will let go of unnecessary baggage that causes resentment.”
81. My dr. seems to agree that there is hope. For me.
82. And – *feels * that J will not be asking for a divorce – not out of love, but out of, why bother at this point. Hey, I’ll take that for now.
83. That my friend is alive.
84. That he didn’t hurt her.
85. That he didn’t threaten her.
86. That he didn’t try to get her to take drugs.
87. That she wants to be through with him.
88. Also, I don’t even want drugs in my life and I’m grateful for that.
89. That the windows and doors are open and breeze is coming through (it is morning now).
90. And Ph and I woke up.
91. And I thanked God.
92. And spoke with Sponsor.
93. That I am *able * to drive to take mother to her appointments. So that
94. I have legs
95. And arms
96. And a car
97. And a valid driver’s license
98. And time
99. And gas money
100. And my mother.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
My Affirmations Today
God loves me.
I am okay.
I can take care of myself.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is getting healed.
God loves me.
I am okay.
I can take care of myself.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is getting healed.
God loves me.
I am okay.
I can take care of myself.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is getting healed.
God loves me.
I am okay.
I can take care of myself.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is getting healed.
I am a whole person.
I am a whole woman.
I am taking care of myself.
I am a creature of lightness and joy.
I am a whole person.
I am a whole woman.
I am taking care of myself.
I am a creature of lightness and joy.
I am okay.
I can take care of myself.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is getting healed.
God loves me.
I am okay.
I can take care of myself.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is getting healed.
God loves me.
I am okay.
I can take care of myself.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is getting healed.
God loves me.
I am okay.
I can take care of myself.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is getting healed.
I am a whole person.
I am a whole woman.
I am taking care of myself.
I am a creature of lightness and joy.
I am a whole person.
I am a whole woman.
I am taking care of myself.
I am a creature of lightness and joy.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
My Hundred Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. Tues – and O. will come and we will do flowers.
2. I will at least try to continue practicing (piano) through the 11th when I see the hand doc.
3. That I have never harmed anyone violently. With all my emotions, at least no one is harmed due to me.
4. That I am a wonderful teacher and have helped hundreds of kids.
5. That I live a peaceful life now.
6. I have never had a surgery that’s gone bad.
7. I have hair.
8. And eyelashes.
9. And eyebrows. (I know people who don’t).
10. I have never been seriously burned.
11. I have my glorious old oak tree – 200 years old?
12. And I love to look at it.
13. And I love that it now, after my e-mail from D., can teach me lessons too.
14. And it gives me shade.
15. I see it’s gorgeous leaves moving right now in the breeze.
16. I am grateful that there are seals on the earth.
17. That even with my trigger thumb, I can still use my hands.
18. That I had protein and a tangerine for dinner.
19. That although he died so young, I had my father for all the years I had him (23).
20. That Ji came running the day it happened.
21. That I am wearing a skirt today.
22. That right at this moment I don’t feel *at all * like binging.
23. That I went to the meeting.
24. That Ma drove.
25. And I gave her money.
26. And it was such a positive meeting.
27. And Ma. looks great and is an inspiration to me.
28. And I heard a lot of good things about abstinence.
29. And I am home for just over an hour and still not eating, and won’t.
30. And tomorrow O. comes. And maybe I can take my mother for tea or something in the early evening. Or maybe Mar will call me back.
31. MA has invited me for fireworks on the 4th. Maybe I’ll go.
32. I go to the gym tomorrow.
33. I had moments of feeling okay tonight. And hopeful.
34. I saw J. He got here before I left. And he kissed me on the mouth, hello. (Outside, goodbye, he kissed me on the cheek).
35. And Ph is here! Yay! And cuddly with me. And I shall get to sleep with this darling little dog tonight.
36. And she’ll see O. tomorrow and be happy too. Plus we’ll walk, Ph and I!
37. And I *did * have some food for her. And I’ll bu more tomorrow.
38. I felt pretty sure J. is not finished with me.
39. (I started last night, so now its’ the 28th). I took my garbage out this morning. Almost didn’t. That’s still an issue for me. But I woke up in time. And I did it first thing (after praying). And it felt good to do.
40. And – they just took it. I watched. I love that they take my garbage. Still feel unworthy or too stupid somehow. But they take it and I’m grateful.
41. God has renewed me.
42. And MA and O have helped.
43. And program has helped.
44. And Ma has helped.
45. And Mar has helped.
46. And even I have helped.
47. There is hope and I am grateful.
48. I do not feel lonely at this moment. Yay.
49. And it’s partly because of dear Ph my sweet doggie who is here and next to whom I slept last night.
50. I am actually smiling right now.
51. And it’s also partly due to MA, O, Ma, and the cheerful meeting last night.
52. And hearing from EJ.
53. And the person who reached out to me in e-mail from the online thing.
54. And God.
55. And I might be planting flowers today. With my own hands. And O’s – O – a world-class and renowned pianist, planting my flowers with her hands. I guess I never know what’s coming next.
56. I’m grateful that I didn’t kill myself, and stuck around for the next great thing.
57. And the next little thing too.
58. And I’m excited about piano practice.
59. And I’m excited about the gym!
60. And that I watched a show I felt like watching last night. It didn’t matter what time or who else might have thought it was stupid…
61. And I’m grateful that I started today by giving over myself, my troubles, and all my defects to God.
62. And right now I give Him my goodnesses and happinesses too, in gratefulness.
63. My breath is coming in deeply this morning and for that I’m very grateful.
64. In doing my morning CoDA work just now, I picked, among many other feelings words, Hopeful, ***and it had nothing one way or the other to do with J!
65. Sponsor today when I told felt more accepting yesterday, about the fact that J. feels what he feels and I can’t do anything about that, I can do something about *me *said, “Ah you’re becoming free.”
66. And Sp then said, “Somebody once said, ‘Freedom is not free.’ We have to work for it. Army people, us, everybody. It costs. But it’s worth it.”
67. And I feel it’s worth it. Because it is – I am – SO MISERABLE being not free. And God made me free. Newborn babies are not encumbered by psychological bull crap. It is learned. God made me free. I want that back. And I’m willing to work for it. Because the truth is, I have it; I just don’t acknowledge it.
68. Wow. Today’s For Today is amazing. It starts with this quote: Courage does not always march to airs blown by a bugle; is not always wrought out of fabric ostentaion wears.” Frances Rodman. And I’ve been thinking a lot yesterday and today about how desperate I was to have a normal life or SEEM LIKE I did. I remember riding down a major city road with J., looking for a couch I could afford, and seeing people from like projects-type apartments outside on the divider grass having picnics. And being so jealous because my yard was like 3 feet high and I was SO MAD that he wasn’t doing anything about it. And we weren’t even married! And I was SO JEALOUS of those people who HAD a place to go outside. And I think I was even saying it, sarcastically, like, “It must be nice to live here and get to be outdoors.” What a little shit. But I know it was because I was desperate to “have what appeared to be to look normal like other people.” When in truth, I had a house and these people were sharing a divider in the middle of like a 6 lane road! How twisted! Instead of realizing “I’m with the person I love and *that’s * what mattered. I’ve been jealous MANY times over what others seemed to have – couples friends, etc. So the gratitude is to read a quote about ostentation and that I think I’ve FINALLY learned this lesson. And to read the quote when these are the exact two days I’ve been realizing it.
69. For Today goes on about courage: “Courage can be a silent act, a quiet word, a refusal – or an acceptance. Courage hs no guarantees, or certain outcomes. It is a risk taken on an unknown path. “ That’s important for me to acknowledge.
70. And it says: “Courage brings about change.” Ya.
71. And “Growth is dependent on courage.”
72. And “Today I can risk, because I am not afraid to make a mistake. I am ready for change.”
73. And “I can make choices, not out of fear or recklessness, but out of a new willingness to resolve old problems, to rid myself of old ideas.”
74. And “For today: I procrastinate out of fear of failure. Have I enough courage to examine that fear?” I must.
75. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “When someone asked exactly what I had control over in my life, I was stumped. I certainly didn’t control what went on at my job, what broke down at my house, or how others treated me.”
76. “I suddenly found it difficult to find anything I really controlled. After this realization, I was able to turn my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power.”
77. “Now my life is much less stressful and chaotic. The little things don’t worry me as much. “
78. “Accepting that I am not in control is a very freeing experience.” Wow. And after I was *just * talking with Sp about that!
79. “Today I admit I am not Superwoman, and I can’t do it alone. I can rust that my Higher Power is taking care of me.” I know I felt that trust 2 days ago, on Sunday, and hope to today too. I am grateful for reading it and typing it here.
80. I am grateful for the peanut butter and fried peppers on thin whole grain bread that I am eating for breakfast.
81. Today’s “In This Moment:” “In This Moment, I choose not to absorb negativity.”
82. And “I used to feel like a psychic sponge, just soaking up whatever feelings were around me – a codependent chameleon. Through working my program, I am solidifying my boundaries. I know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior for me. No one has the authority to determine this for me, but me.”
83. “In this moment, I simply observe, not absorb, someone else’s feelings. I monitor my thoughts and gently shift them away when negativity arises.”
84. “I do not engage in gossip. I focus on me.”
85. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Frequently, when faced with a problem, we may attempt to solve it in a particular way. When that way doesn’t work, we may continue trying to solve the problem in that same way. We may get frustrated, try harder, get more frustrated, and then exert more energy and influence into forcing the same solution that we have already tried and that didn’t work. That approach makes us crazy. It tends to get us stuck and trapped. It is the stuff that unmanageability is made of.”
86. “We can get caught in this same difficult pattern in relationships, in tasks, in any area of our life. We initiate something, it doesn’t work, doesn’t flow, we feel badly, then try the same approach harder, even though it’s not working and flowing. Sometimes, it’s appropriate not to give up and to try harder. Sometimes, it’s more appropriate to let go, detach, and stop trying so hard.”
87. “If it doesn’t work, if it doesn’t flow, maybe life is trying to tell us something. Life is a gentle teacher. She doesn’t always send neon road signs to guide us. Sometimes, the signs are more subtle. Something not working may be a sign!”
88. And this: “Let go. If we have become frustrated by repeated efforts that aren’t producing desired results, we may be trying to force ourselves down the wrong path. Sometimes, a different solution is appropriate. Sometimes, a different path opens up. Often, the answer will emerge more clearly in the quietness of letting go than it will in the urgency, frustration, and desperation of pushing harder. Learn to recognize when something isn’t working or isn’t flowing. Step back and wait for clear guidance.”
89. And this goes with what the doctor’s been saying too.
90. And it says, “Today, I will not make myself crazy by repeatedly trying solutions that have proven themselves unsuccessful. If something isn’t working, I will step back and wait for guidance.”
91. I almost can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m grateful for the trigger thumb. Because I just did 15 minutes of really good piano practice – left hand (trigger thumb on right hand). My left hand will become stronger at piano in the next two weeks, anyway: )
92. The realization I just had that it is okay for me to just want to watch TV sometimes. Especially things I learn from, and things I enjoy (so, from Dr. Oz to 2 ½ Men). And that I can pay for that with the gym and walks, so I don’t stiffen up…
93. People want to be around positive people who are living a productive and fulfilling, happy life. Self-sufficient (to a reasonable extent) and confident. *I * want to be one of those. For *myself *. And for others to want to be around me. And I am grateful for that thought.
94. That I just did some CoDA Resentment work.
95. I meditated!
96. And it was beautiful from the moment I set the timer before even beginning! What a beautiful practice.
97. And I posted.
98. And in another place online, I was reminded that “The will of God will not lead me where the Grace of God will not keep me.” I need that and am glad I read it.
99. That it is early and I’m already at 99 gratitudes!
100. That I like and am comfortable in my nesty living room the way I have it now.
101. Koko the Gorilla, and the lessons she has taught so many of us.
1. Tues – and O. will come and we will do flowers.
2. I will at least try to continue practicing (piano) through the 11th when I see the hand doc.
3. That I have never harmed anyone violently. With all my emotions, at least no one is harmed due to me.
4. That I am a wonderful teacher and have helped hundreds of kids.
5. That I live a peaceful life now.
6. I have never had a surgery that’s gone bad.
7. I have hair.
8. And eyelashes.
9. And eyebrows. (I know people who don’t).
10. I have never been seriously burned.
11. I have my glorious old oak tree – 200 years old?
12. And I love to look at it.
13. And I love that it now, after my e-mail from D., can teach me lessons too.
14. And it gives me shade.
15. I see it’s gorgeous leaves moving right now in the breeze.
16. I am grateful that there are seals on the earth.
17. That even with my trigger thumb, I can still use my hands.
18. That I had protein and a tangerine for dinner.
19. That although he died so young, I had my father for all the years I had him (23).
20. That Ji came running the day it happened.
21. That I am wearing a skirt today.
22. That right at this moment I don’t feel *at all * like binging.
23. That I went to the meeting.
24. That Ma drove.
25. And I gave her money.
26. And it was such a positive meeting.
27. And Ma. looks great and is an inspiration to me.
28. And I heard a lot of good things about abstinence.
29. And I am home for just over an hour and still not eating, and won’t.
30. And tomorrow O. comes. And maybe I can take my mother for tea or something in the early evening. Or maybe Mar will call me back.
31. MA has invited me for fireworks on the 4th. Maybe I’ll go.
32. I go to the gym tomorrow.
33. I had moments of feeling okay tonight. And hopeful.
34. I saw J. He got here before I left. And he kissed me on the mouth, hello. (Outside, goodbye, he kissed me on the cheek).
35. And Ph is here! Yay! And cuddly with me. And I shall get to sleep with this darling little dog tonight.
36. And she’ll see O. tomorrow and be happy too. Plus we’ll walk, Ph and I!
37. And I *did * have some food for her. And I’ll bu more tomorrow.
38. I felt pretty sure J. is not finished with me.
39. (I started last night, so now its’ the 28th). I took my garbage out this morning. Almost didn’t. That’s still an issue for me. But I woke up in time. And I did it first thing (after praying). And it felt good to do.
40. And – they just took it. I watched. I love that they take my garbage. Still feel unworthy or too stupid somehow. But they take it and I’m grateful.
41. God has renewed me.
42. And MA and O have helped.
43. And program has helped.
44. And Ma has helped.
45. And Mar has helped.
46. And even I have helped.
47. There is hope and I am grateful.
48. I do not feel lonely at this moment. Yay.
49. And it’s partly because of dear Ph my sweet doggie who is here and next to whom I slept last night.
50. I am actually smiling right now.
51. And it’s also partly due to MA, O, Ma, and the cheerful meeting last night.
52. And hearing from EJ.
53. And the person who reached out to me in e-mail from the online thing.
54. And God.
55. And I might be planting flowers today. With my own hands. And O’s – O – a world-class and renowned pianist, planting my flowers with her hands. I guess I never know what’s coming next.
56. I’m grateful that I didn’t kill myself, and stuck around for the next great thing.
57. And the next little thing too.
58. And I’m excited about piano practice.
59. And I’m excited about the gym!
60. And that I watched a show I felt like watching last night. It didn’t matter what time or who else might have thought it was stupid…
61. And I’m grateful that I started today by giving over myself, my troubles, and all my defects to God.
62. And right now I give Him my goodnesses and happinesses too, in gratefulness.
63. My breath is coming in deeply this morning and for that I’m very grateful.
64. In doing my morning CoDA work just now, I picked, among many other feelings words, Hopeful, ***and it had nothing one way or the other to do with J!
65. Sponsor today when I told felt more accepting yesterday, about the fact that J. feels what he feels and I can’t do anything about that, I can do something about *me *said, “Ah you’re becoming free.”
66. And Sp then said, “Somebody once said, ‘Freedom is not free.’ We have to work for it. Army people, us, everybody. It costs. But it’s worth it.”
67. And I feel it’s worth it. Because it is – I am – SO MISERABLE being not free. And God made me free. Newborn babies are not encumbered by psychological bull crap. It is learned. God made me free. I want that back. And I’m willing to work for it. Because the truth is, I have it; I just don’t acknowledge it.
68. Wow. Today’s For Today is amazing. It starts with this quote: Courage does not always march to airs blown by a bugle; is not always wrought out of fabric ostentaion wears.” Frances Rodman. And I’ve been thinking a lot yesterday and today about how desperate I was to have a normal life or SEEM LIKE I did. I remember riding down a major city road with J., looking for a couch I could afford, and seeing people from like projects-type apartments outside on the divider grass having picnics. And being so jealous because my yard was like 3 feet high and I was SO MAD that he wasn’t doing anything about it. And we weren’t even married! And I was SO JEALOUS of those people who HAD a place to go outside. And I think I was even saying it, sarcastically, like, “It must be nice to live here and get to be outdoors.” What a little shit. But I know it was because I was desperate to “have what appeared to be to look normal like other people.” When in truth, I had a house and these people were sharing a divider in the middle of like a 6 lane road! How twisted! Instead of realizing “I’m with the person I love and *that’s * what mattered. I’ve been jealous MANY times over what others seemed to have – couples friends, etc. So the gratitude is to read a quote about ostentation and that I think I’ve FINALLY learned this lesson. And to read the quote when these are the exact two days I’ve been realizing it.
69. For Today goes on about courage: “Courage can be a silent act, a quiet word, a refusal – or an acceptance. Courage hs no guarantees, or certain outcomes. It is a risk taken on an unknown path. “ That’s important for me to acknowledge.
70. And it says: “Courage brings about change.” Ya.
71. And “Growth is dependent on courage.”
72. And “Today I can risk, because I am not afraid to make a mistake. I am ready for change.”
73. And “I can make choices, not out of fear or recklessness, but out of a new willingness to resolve old problems, to rid myself of old ideas.”
74. And “For today: I procrastinate out of fear of failure. Have I enough courage to examine that fear?” I must.
75. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “When someone asked exactly what I had control over in my life, I was stumped. I certainly didn’t control what went on at my job, what broke down at my house, or how others treated me.”
76. “I suddenly found it difficult to find anything I really controlled. After this realization, I was able to turn my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power.”
77. “Now my life is much less stressful and chaotic. The little things don’t worry me as much. “
78. “Accepting that I am not in control is a very freeing experience.” Wow. And after I was *just * talking with Sp about that!
79. “Today I admit I am not Superwoman, and I can’t do it alone. I can rust that my Higher Power is taking care of me.” I know I felt that trust 2 days ago, on Sunday, and hope to today too. I am grateful for reading it and typing it here.
80. I am grateful for the peanut butter and fried peppers on thin whole grain bread that I am eating for breakfast.
81. Today’s “In This Moment:” “In This Moment, I choose not to absorb negativity.”
82. And “I used to feel like a psychic sponge, just soaking up whatever feelings were around me – a codependent chameleon. Through working my program, I am solidifying my boundaries. I know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior for me. No one has the authority to determine this for me, but me.”
83. “In this moment, I simply observe, not absorb, someone else’s feelings. I monitor my thoughts and gently shift them away when negativity arises.”
84. “I do not engage in gossip. I focus on me.”
85. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Frequently, when faced with a problem, we may attempt to solve it in a particular way. When that way doesn’t work, we may continue trying to solve the problem in that same way. We may get frustrated, try harder, get more frustrated, and then exert more energy and influence into forcing the same solution that we have already tried and that didn’t work. That approach makes us crazy. It tends to get us stuck and trapped. It is the stuff that unmanageability is made of.”
86. “We can get caught in this same difficult pattern in relationships, in tasks, in any area of our life. We initiate something, it doesn’t work, doesn’t flow, we feel badly, then try the same approach harder, even though it’s not working and flowing. Sometimes, it’s appropriate not to give up and to try harder. Sometimes, it’s more appropriate to let go, detach, and stop trying so hard.”
87. “If it doesn’t work, if it doesn’t flow, maybe life is trying to tell us something. Life is a gentle teacher. She doesn’t always send neon road signs to guide us. Sometimes, the signs are more subtle. Something not working may be a sign!”
88. And this: “Let go. If we have become frustrated by repeated efforts that aren’t producing desired results, we may be trying to force ourselves down the wrong path. Sometimes, a different solution is appropriate. Sometimes, a different path opens up. Often, the answer will emerge more clearly in the quietness of letting go than it will in the urgency, frustration, and desperation of pushing harder. Learn to recognize when something isn’t working or isn’t flowing. Step back and wait for clear guidance.”
89. And this goes with what the doctor’s been saying too.
90. And it says, “Today, I will not make myself crazy by repeatedly trying solutions that have proven themselves unsuccessful. If something isn’t working, I will step back and wait for guidance.”
91. I almost can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m grateful for the trigger thumb. Because I just did 15 minutes of really good piano practice – left hand (trigger thumb on right hand). My left hand will become stronger at piano in the next two weeks, anyway: )
92. The realization I just had that it is okay for me to just want to watch TV sometimes. Especially things I learn from, and things I enjoy (so, from Dr. Oz to 2 ½ Men). And that I can pay for that with the gym and walks, so I don’t stiffen up…
93. People want to be around positive people who are living a productive and fulfilling, happy life. Self-sufficient (to a reasonable extent) and confident. *I * want to be one of those. For *myself *. And for others to want to be around me. And I am grateful for that thought.
94. That I just did some CoDA Resentment work.
95. I meditated!
96. And it was beautiful from the moment I set the timer before even beginning! What a beautiful practice.
97. And I posted.
98. And in another place online, I was reminded that “The will of God will not lead me where the Grace of God will not keep me.” I need that and am glad I read it.
99. That it is early and I’m already at 99 gratitudes!
100. That I like and am comfortable in my nesty living room the way I have it now.
101. Koko the Gorilla, and the lessons she has taught so many of us.
Paying for Sitting Time :)
I realize that *it is okay * if I like to sit and relax with TV a bit. It's okay!
I'm on vacation!
And for my health and weight and fitness and flexibility, I can pay for that by
using the gym
and
taking walks.
In that sense, I *can * have it all!
I'm on vacation!
And for my health and weight and fitness and flexibility, I can pay for that by
using the gym
and
taking walks.
In that sense, I *can * have it all!
My Affirmations Today
I am a creation of God.
I am strong.
I am not alone.
I am talented and funny and smart and cute and nice.
I can have a great day today!
I am a creation of God.
I am strong.
I am not alone.
I am talented and funny and smart and cute and nice.
I can have a great day today!
I am a creation of God.
I am strong.
I am not alone.
I am talented and funny and smart and cute and nice.
I can have a great day today!
I am a creation of God.
I am strong.
I am not alone.
I am talented and funny and smart and cute and nice.
I can have a great day today!
I am a creation of God.
I am strong.
I am not alone.
I am talented and funny and smart and cute and nice.
I can have a great day today!
I am strong.
I am not alone.
I am talented and funny and smart and cute and nice.
I can have a great day today!
I am a creation of God.
I am strong.
I am not alone.
I am talented and funny and smart and cute and nice.
I can have a great day today!
I am a creation of God.
I am strong.
I am not alone.
I am talented and funny and smart and cute and nice.
I can have a great day today!
I am a creation of God.
I am strong.
I am not alone.
I am talented and funny and smart and cute and nice.
I can have a great day today!
I am a creation of God.
I am strong.
I am not alone.
I am talented and funny and smart and cute and nice.
I can have a great day today!
Monday, June 27, 2011
My Hundred Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. That I did my CoDA work this morning.
2. And last night.
3. That they say, “It works if you work it.” They really say that. A lot.
4. Today’s For Today: “I pray for the willingness to do what it is possible to do.”
5. In today’s In This Moment it says, “I’m not perfect, but I’m not all bad either. I look for, and acknowledge, my good qualities which I honor in my moral inventory. It helps to balance the scale and create a more realistic picture of myself.”
6. So interesting. Especially in light of my recent piano practicing. In today’s Language of Letting Go: “When a pianist learns a new piece of music, he or she does not sit down and instantly play it perfectly. A pianist often needs to practice each hand’s work separately to learn the feel, to learn the sound. One hand picks out a part until there is a rhythm and ease in playing what is difficult. Then, the musician practices with the other hand, picking through the notes, one by one, until that hand learns its tasks. When each hand has learned its part – the sound, the feel, the rhythm, the tones – then both hands can play together.
7. “During the time of practice, the music may not sound like much. It may sound disconnected, not particularly beautiful. But when both hands are ready to play together, music is created – a whole piece comes together in harmony and beauty.”
8. I’m liking this reading as much for piano almost, as for life!
9. Then it goes on to say, “When we begin recovery, it may feel like we spend months, even years, practicing individual, seemingly disconnected behaviors in the separate parts of our life.” Good. This is important for me to hear.
10. We take our new skills into our work, our career, and begin to apply them slowly, making our work relationships healthier for us. We take our skills into our relationships, sometimes one relationship at a time. We struggle through our new behaviors in our love relationships. One part at a time, we practice our new music note by note.”
11. “We work on our relationship with our Higher Power – our spirituality.”
12. “ We work at loving ourselves.”
13. “We work at believing we deserve the best.”
14. “We work on our finances.”
15. “On our recreation.”
16. “Sometimes on our appearance.”
17. “Sometimes on our home.”
18. “We work on feelings.”
19. “On beliefs.”
20. “On behaviors. Letting go of the old, acquiring the new.”
21. “We work and work and work. We practice. We struggle through. We go from one extreme to the other, and sometimes back through the course again. We make a little progress, go backward, and then go forward again.”
22. “It may all seem disconnected. It may not sound like a harmonious, beautiful piece of music – just isolated notes. Then one day, something happens. We become ready to play with both hands, to put the music together.”
23. “What we have been working toward, note by note, becomes a song. That song is a whole life, a complete life, a life in harmony.”
24. And this, which I see as a promise: “The music will come together in our life if we keep practicing the parts.”
25. And this: “Today, I will practice my recovery behaviors through the individual parts of my life. I trust that, one day, things will come together in a full, complete song.”
26. Sponsor: “As they come.” (When I’ve been worried about how to get through the upcoming thumb days).
27. And Sp also said: “Live life as it comes. You don’t have to plan ahead. You just face it you’re competent you don’t have to do that.”
28. “You have to be able to observe things.”
29. And “Be *in * the moment. The beautiful bushes and the grass that’s growing.”
30. My tiger lilies outside.
31. And Sp said “I think that’s marvelous how God renews everything.” (talking about grass growing in between wooden steps.)
32. And said, “No matter how black something looks, He’s gonna plant grass again.”
33. And “I’m an optimist. It’s hard to get me depressed. I try to see what is. Being in the is.”
34. “So you don’t have to plan things. ‘Cause you’re not gonna get crazy or whatever.”
35. That my 5 followers still show up. I hated being alone in cyber-space. I’m so glad they’re there and that I even hear from them in comments or e-mails. Thank you, God. Thank you, people.
36. That I’m thinking of ways to let go of the dreadful ring from Ka, with so much bad history. I must do this.
37. I’m grateful that C. prayers for me.
38. And for my marriage.
39. And that I have a meeting later.
40. And someone to go to it with.
41. That Le wishes me to feel better (online)
42. MA : What needs to be in (fill) that hole is not J. It is you. And she said all of this through # 60.
43. And “J needs to go out and find the end of his own rope. And if you keep putting your hand on the rope that slows his progress down. He needs to have enough solitude and enough separation to do that. He will never find himself is what I think he feels, if he is too caught up in your aura. And he is too weak a person and he may get angry or run away or whatever he does in rebellion but basically you are a much stronger person and you’ve provided a lot of leadership and he needs the space of his own emptiness to find himself. And if he somehow agreed to come back, I think it would be a real disappointment to you shortly. Because J. needs to find J. And your personality is stronger than his. And it sounds to me like he’s been fairly passive all of his life. And if he is going to be able to live with himself and he’s not fit to live with another person until he is, he’s got to explore his own inner holes because he doesn’t have enough inner muscle to not go with that magnetic force (me). Dr. is right. If you care about J for his sake, he’s go tot find himself. And who knows what he’s gonna find.
44. She says I would really like a positive outcome from staying in contact with him but she agrees with my dr that it is counterproductive and J. feels entrapped or harassed and has this very weak little personal start he’s made and he feels it’s threatened and it might make him try to distance himself some more.
45. So my contact would make J. run farther.
46. As for my dr saying J needs to see me differently, she says the overriding thing is J seeing J and trying to overcome his own inactivity and inertia.
47. He didn’t have to wait and find out what his feelings were he could just go along with me and my strong emotional reactions.
48. He needs to self-differentiate and won’t be good for anybody especially himself until does.
49. Forcing him to be aware of himself and strengthen that very weak inner J.
50. And that my hope is that I can become more even or more rewarded for the way I face life in and of myself because I’m working on that.
51. And that the only person that can really give me a good day is me. And the only person who can give J a good day is J
52. Now let’s say that both of you do some growing in a year apart, and I think it’s gonna take J a while and I think he will be able to go back and re-visit the closeness that he had with you and he might see that you are the best option for that that warmth and that emotion that he is not particularly good at providing for himself in his life partly if you have a better grip on yours.
53. And his never did love me, is like a 7 year saying I hate you mommy.
54. “I don’t think it’s true at all that he doesn’t love you. I’ve been with you!”
55. He needs some space from you pursuing him so that he can find out what those little baby seeds of his own feelings with be.
56. He’ll also get a little older, and fell loneliness…
57. He is no good to you until he finds out. Who he is.
58. Core will be same. It’s how he acts and reacts that will be the difference. And is aware of his take on things. And he did an awful lot of avoiding and it was easier just to go along.
59. J. is a dilitante. Somebody who dallies in a whole lot of different things and just moves on. And what camp is next. He’s smart as a whip. Can search – NA, tai chi… and get positive reinforcement for me for doing it so that was part of what he could offer to the partnership. Didn’t help him face what he thought about those things.
60. He’s got to want to be good to J. Has spent lifetime avoiding. It’s very hard to come to grips and take a look and deal.
61. And MA also said: “You are a very strong person.
62. “And when you put your mind to something, and you focus on it and you do it, for others or yourself, you are very very good at it.
63. And “I am so impressed with the numbers of groups and things that you have found that are rewarding for you.
64. And “And you just remember what Aunt Sarah would say (like at 87 in the kitchen cooking and doing so much in life and this 12 years after losing her beloved great-partner husband), ‘You keep on keepin’ on.’”
65. O said yes to lunch.
66. We ate together.
67. Indian food and they had the okra.
68. And I had protein too (chick peas)
69. We had such a nice time together.
70. And – I got up my courage and took a shower – I was having a really hard time to do that today, but having a lunch date to look forward to helped!
71. And – I got up my courage and called C about the flowers he’s supposed to put in.
72. And he called back. With bs as always. But I don’t care because:
73. He called while we were having lunch. And O said do not let him. It will cost way too much. And *she * is coming over tomorrow to do it with me!
74. And – we are going to start going to the gym *together *!
75. And I did get my mother to the bank and shopping.
76. And I thank God that I saw her.
77. And I thank God that she seemed to feel well.
78. And can afford groceries.
79. And I got a few things too.
80. And tomorrow, early, I shall make some curried creamed vegan broccoli soup so I can offer it to O after we do the plant stuff.
81. And MA said she’ll come some time this summer soon and help figure out where to put perennials and give me more plantings.
82. And I am going to drive up and down that main street soon and find rattan chairs – IF I don’t just decide to use something from the basement.
83. And that beautiful D. e-mailed me and shared things and helped me. That was so nice.
84. And someone else went into the room and said she’d pray for me.
85. And I heard from Jo today.
86. And Ph will come soon. Tonight or the next day or so.
87. And tomorrow I shall do some laundry.
88. And take out the garbage.
89. And I thank God that I am able to. That I have the arms and legs to.
90. And I finally called the hand dr. And although he can’t see me until July 11, I’m so glad I will get this taken care or.
91. And Ma is going to drive to the meeting.
92. And M. called me here.
93. And I left a message for Mar about the churchy thing Sat and about possibly walking tom after work together.
94. And July 11 Mon pm K is coming over
95. And I am not all alone.
96. And I am not in a collapsed mine.
97. And I am not in a place of relentless sun with no trees.
98. And I am not in one of the floods, and have never been.
99. And I no longer feel so much like a victim as I used to.
100. And I am beginning to recover.
Thank you so much, God, for all of this.
PS And for the knowledge, as of today, that I must get out in the morning, among others, every morning!
So - I will do it by going to the gym. And O. might come too. And I am very grateful for all these ideas.
1. That I did my CoDA work this morning.
2. And last night.
3. That they say, “It works if you work it.” They really say that. A lot.
4. Today’s For Today: “I pray for the willingness to do what it is possible to do.”
5. In today’s In This Moment it says, “I’m not perfect, but I’m not all bad either. I look for, and acknowledge, my good qualities which I honor in my moral inventory. It helps to balance the scale and create a more realistic picture of myself.”
6. So interesting. Especially in light of my recent piano practicing. In today’s Language of Letting Go: “When a pianist learns a new piece of music, he or she does not sit down and instantly play it perfectly. A pianist often needs to practice each hand’s work separately to learn the feel, to learn the sound. One hand picks out a part until there is a rhythm and ease in playing what is difficult. Then, the musician practices with the other hand, picking through the notes, one by one, until that hand learns its tasks. When each hand has learned its part – the sound, the feel, the rhythm, the tones – then both hands can play together.
7. “During the time of practice, the music may not sound like much. It may sound disconnected, not particularly beautiful. But when both hands are ready to play together, music is created – a whole piece comes together in harmony and beauty.”
8. I’m liking this reading as much for piano almost, as for life!
9. Then it goes on to say, “When we begin recovery, it may feel like we spend months, even years, practicing individual, seemingly disconnected behaviors in the separate parts of our life.” Good. This is important for me to hear.
10. We take our new skills into our work, our career, and begin to apply them slowly, making our work relationships healthier for us. We take our skills into our relationships, sometimes one relationship at a time. We struggle through our new behaviors in our love relationships. One part at a time, we practice our new music note by note.”
11. “We work on our relationship with our Higher Power – our spirituality.”
12. “ We work at loving ourselves.”
13. “We work at believing we deserve the best.”
14. “We work on our finances.”
15. “On our recreation.”
16. “Sometimes on our appearance.”
17. “Sometimes on our home.”
18. “We work on feelings.”
19. “On beliefs.”
20. “On behaviors. Letting go of the old, acquiring the new.”
21. “We work and work and work. We practice. We struggle through. We go from one extreme to the other, and sometimes back through the course again. We make a little progress, go backward, and then go forward again.”
22. “It may all seem disconnected. It may not sound like a harmonious, beautiful piece of music – just isolated notes. Then one day, something happens. We become ready to play with both hands, to put the music together.”
23. “What we have been working toward, note by note, becomes a song. That song is a whole life, a complete life, a life in harmony.”
24. And this, which I see as a promise: “The music will come together in our life if we keep practicing the parts.”
25. And this: “Today, I will practice my recovery behaviors through the individual parts of my life. I trust that, one day, things will come together in a full, complete song.”
26. Sponsor: “As they come.” (When I’ve been worried about how to get through the upcoming thumb days).
27. And Sp also said: “Live life as it comes. You don’t have to plan ahead. You just face it you’re competent you don’t have to do that.”
28. “You have to be able to observe things.”
29. And “Be *in * the moment. The beautiful bushes and the grass that’s growing.”
30. My tiger lilies outside.
31. And Sp said “I think that’s marvelous how God renews everything.” (talking about grass growing in between wooden steps.)
32. And said, “No matter how black something looks, He’s gonna plant grass again.”
33. And “I’m an optimist. It’s hard to get me depressed. I try to see what is. Being in the is.”
34. “So you don’t have to plan things. ‘Cause you’re not gonna get crazy or whatever.”
35. That my 5 followers still show up. I hated being alone in cyber-space. I’m so glad they’re there and that I even hear from them in comments or e-mails. Thank you, God. Thank you, people.
36. That I’m thinking of ways to let go of the dreadful ring from Ka, with so much bad history. I must do this.
37. I’m grateful that C. prayers for me.
38. And for my marriage.
39. And that I have a meeting later.
40. And someone to go to it with.
41. That Le wishes me to feel better (online)
42. MA : What needs to be in (fill) that hole is not J. It is you. And she said all of this through # 60.
43. And “J needs to go out and find the end of his own rope. And if you keep putting your hand on the rope that slows his progress down. He needs to have enough solitude and enough separation to do that. He will never find himself is what I think he feels, if he is too caught up in your aura. And he is too weak a person and he may get angry or run away or whatever he does in rebellion but basically you are a much stronger person and you’ve provided a lot of leadership and he needs the space of his own emptiness to find himself. And if he somehow agreed to come back, I think it would be a real disappointment to you shortly. Because J. needs to find J. And your personality is stronger than his. And it sounds to me like he’s been fairly passive all of his life. And if he is going to be able to live with himself and he’s not fit to live with another person until he is, he’s got to explore his own inner holes because he doesn’t have enough inner muscle to not go with that magnetic force (me). Dr. is right. If you care about J for his sake, he’s go tot find himself. And who knows what he’s gonna find.
44. She says I would really like a positive outcome from staying in contact with him but she agrees with my dr that it is counterproductive and J. feels entrapped or harassed and has this very weak little personal start he’s made and he feels it’s threatened and it might make him try to distance himself some more.
45. So my contact would make J. run farther.
46. As for my dr saying J needs to see me differently, she says the overriding thing is J seeing J and trying to overcome his own inactivity and inertia.
47. He didn’t have to wait and find out what his feelings were he could just go along with me and my strong emotional reactions.
48. He needs to self-differentiate and won’t be good for anybody especially himself until does.
49. Forcing him to be aware of himself and strengthen that very weak inner J.
50. And that my hope is that I can become more even or more rewarded for the way I face life in and of myself because I’m working on that.
51. And that the only person that can really give me a good day is me. And the only person who can give J a good day is J
52. Now let’s say that both of you do some growing in a year apart, and I think it’s gonna take J a while and I think he will be able to go back and re-visit the closeness that he had with you and he might see that you are the best option for that that warmth and that emotion that he is not particularly good at providing for himself in his life partly if you have a better grip on yours.
53. And his never did love me, is like a 7 year saying I hate you mommy.
54. “I don’t think it’s true at all that he doesn’t love you. I’ve been with you!”
55. He needs some space from you pursuing him so that he can find out what those little baby seeds of his own feelings with be.
56. He’ll also get a little older, and fell loneliness…
57. He is no good to you until he finds out. Who he is.
58. Core will be same. It’s how he acts and reacts that will be the difference. And is aware of his take on things. And he did an awful lot of avoiding and it was easier just to go along.
59. J. is a dilitante. Somebody who dallies in a whole lot of different things and just moves on. And what camp is next. He’s smart as a whip. Can search – NA, tai chi… and get positive reinforcement for me for doing it so that was part of what he could offer to the partnership. Didn’t help him face what he thought about those things.
60. He’s got to want to be good to J. Has spent lifetime avoiding. It’s very hard to come to grips and take a look and deal.
61. And MA also said: “You are a very strong person.
62. “And when you put your mind to something, and you focus on it and you do it, for others or yourself, you are very very good at it.
63. And “I am so impressed with the numbers of groups and things that you have found that are rewarding for you.
64. And “And you just remember what Aunt Sarah would say (like at 87 in the kitchen cooking and doing so much in life and this 12 years after losing her beloved great-partner husband), ‘You keep on keepin’ on.’”
65. O said yes to lunch.
66. We ate together.
67. Indian food and they had the okra.
68. And I had protein too (chick peas)
69. We had such a nice time together.
70. And – I got up my courage and took a shower – I was having a really hard time to do that today, but having a lunch date to look forward to helped!
71. And – I got up my courage and called C about the flowers he’s supposed to put in.
72. And he called back. With bs as always. But I don’t care because:
73. He called while we were having lunch. And O said do not let him. It will cost way too much. And *she * is coming over tomorrow to do it with me!
74. And – we are going to start going to the gym *together *!
75. And I did get my mother to the bank and shopping.
76. And I thank God that I saw her.
77. And I thank God that she seemed to feel well.
78. And can afford groceries.
79. And I got a few things too.
80. And tomorrow, early, I shall make some curried creamed vegan broccoli soup so I can offer it to O after we do the plant stuff.
81. And MA said she’ll come some time this summer soon and help figure out where to put perennials and give me more plantings.
82. And I am going to drive up and down that main street soon and find rattan chairs – IF I don’t just decide to use something from the basement.
83. And that beautiful D. e-mailed me and shared things and helped me. That was so nice.
84. And someone else went into the room and said she’d pray for me.
85. And I heard from Jo today.
86. And Ph will come soon. Tonight or the next day or so.
87. And tomorrow I shall do some laundry.
88. And take out the garbage.
89. And I thank God that I am able to. That I have the arms and legs to.
90. And I finally called the hand dr. And although he can’t see me until July 11, I’m so glad I will get this taken care or.
91. And Ma is going to drive to the meeting.
92. And M. called me here.
93. And I left a message for Mar about the churchy thing Sat and about possibly walking tom after work together.
94. And July 11 Mon pm K is coming over
95. And I am not all alone.
96. And I am not in a collapsed mine.
97. And I am not in a place of relentless sun with no trees.
98. And I am not in one of the floods, and have never been.
99. And I no longer feel so much like a victim as I used to.
100. And I am beginning to recover.
Thank you so much, God, for all of this.
PS And for the knowledge, as of today, that I must get out in the morning, among others, every morning!
So - I will do it by going to the gym. And O. might come too. And I am very grateful for all these ideas.
Dear God
Dear God,
I've fucked up this life you have given me.
I am powerless and I am almost hopeless.
Please help me.
My inner loneliness is threatening to consume me.
What have I done to my life?
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
I've fucked up this life you have given me.
I am powerless and I am almost hopeless.
Please help me.
My inner loneliness is threatening to consume me.
What have I done to my life?
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
My Daily Affirmations Today
God is here for me.
I can do what I have to do.
I am desirable and becoming moreso daily.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is healed.
God is here for me.
I can do what I have to do.
I am desirable and becoming moreso dail.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is healed.
I put God first, not J.
I am whole on my own.
I put God first, not J.
I am whole on my own.
And this is what will help *me* - and help our marriage.
God is blessing us.
I can do what I have to do.
I am desirable and becoming moreso daily.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is healed.
God is here for me.
I can do what I have to do.
I am desirable and becoming moreso dail.
J. loves me.
Our marriage is healed.
I put God first, not J.
I am whole on my own.
I put God first, not J.
I am whole on my own.
And this is what will help *me* - and help our marriage.
God is blessing us.
Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today
I am grateful:
1. That St. wrote back. Even though she’s away, she wrote.
2. And she did say she’ll have lots and lots of time when gets back.
3. And that I’m about to leave for the meeting after all.
4. That I did go to the meeting.
5. That my mother is feeling better – the leg pain she had this morning is gone.
6. That someone I liked at the meeting said a couple of times that she just loves me.
7. That I do *not * have the pit in my stomach thing so far today! I *think * it is because I truly and literally really turned it all over to God first thing. Turned myself over to God.
8. That that woman at the meeting (after checking that I was open to hearing what she had to say, and would I be insulted…) said to me that she believes: Whoever you put in the place of God, will be removed.
That was HUGE to me. Huge!
9. That we talked about mindfulness, the present, and meditation.
10. That a few people liked my shares.
11. That 5 of us went out for lunch.
12. And I ate so healthily.
13. And I am going to have protein, wh wh toast with a little vegan buttery stuff, and a pear for dinner.
14. That I have practice piano today.
15. And will some more.
16. That I made that Sample Daily Plan for summer for every day of the week.
17. That I have an idea to check the basement for possibly FREE furniture for the sunroom!
18. That I did meditate just now for today: )
19. Today’s For Today: “It’s only when I’m tired of stumbling around in the dark that I stop muttering about ‘the way tings are’ and turn on the light that will lead me to new freedom.” I needed to hear that (we read it at the meeting as well as me reading it here just now).
20. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “If we open our minds and hearts, we can begin the healing process that will bring us the peace and serenity we all deserve.”
21. Today’s In This Moment says “In This Moment, I am taking a test. …My goal now is to draw a line between being too compliant and making unnecessary trouble.”
22. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Don’t you see? We do not have to be so victimized by life, by people, by situations, by work, by our friends, by our love relationships, by our family, by ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts, our circumstances. We are not victims. We do not have to be victims. That is the whole point!”
23. And it says: “Yes, admitting and accepting powerlessness is important. But that is a first step, an introduction to this business of recovery. Later, comes owning our power. Changing what we can. This is as important as admitting and accepting powerlessness.”
24. “And there is so much we can change.”
25. And “We can own our power, wherever we are, wherever we go, whoever we are with.”
And “We do not have to stand there with our hands tied, groveling helplessly, submitting to whatever comes along. There are things we an do. We can speak up. Solve the problem.”
26. “Use the problem to motivate ourselves to do something good for ourselves.”
27. And “We can make ourselves feel good. “
28. And “We can do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. That is the beauty, the reward, the crown of victory we are given in this process called recovery. It is what it is all about!”
29. And “If we can’t do anything about the circumstance, we can change our attitude. We can do the work within: courageously face our issues so we are not victimized. We have been given a miraculous key to life.”
30. And this: “Freedom and joy are ours for the taking, for the feeling, for the hard work we have done.”
31. And finally: “Today, I will remind myself as often as necessary that I am not a victim, and I do not need to be victimized by whatever comes my way. I will work hard to remove myself as a victim, whether that means setting and enforcing a boundary, walking away, dealing with my fellings, or giving myself what I need. God, help me let go of my need to feel victimized.”
32. That I did my CoDA PM work today too.
33. That M. called. Bless her.
34. That I’ll watch the first episode of Dr. Drew this season tonight. I don’t know why I’m grateful for that but I am. Something about dealing with issues, and knowing I’m not the only person with them.
35. That I’m watching The Unsellables and it’s about “unbrowning” a house. Good ideas!
36. That I do believe tomorrow I’ll move the table and 2 chairs outside
37. And clean the floor and put down the rug in the sunroom
38. And at least one chair and table or footrest thing
39. That reading yesterday at MA’s has made me less afraid of the book. I think I’ll go read some of it now.
40. I am grateful for this which I found online “Robert Burney, whoever that is): “We are transcendent Spiritual Beings who are part of the ONENESS that is the God-force. We always have been and always will be. We are perfect in our Spiritual Essence. We are perfectly where we are supposed to be on our Spiritual Path. And from a human perspective we will never be able to do ‘human’ perfectly – which is perfect.”
41. And this: “"In that last line from this quote - "A dysfunctional civilization which teaches us to look outside for our self worth, also teaches us to look outside for a villain." - lies the crux of the problem in so many romantic relationships. When we look to a romantic relationship to give us worth, we give another person the power to make us feel good about ourselves, to feel worthy and lovable. The person who we have given that power to, usually becomes the person to blame when we do not feel good.”
And this: “As long as we did not know we had a choice we did not have one.”
42. And this: “We were powerless to do anything any different than we did it. We were doing the best we knew how with the tools that we had. None of us had the power to write a different script for our lives.”
43. And I’m grateful that I do daily gratitudes. Because Melody Beattie says: “"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."
44. And I like that she says: "...the plan will happen in spite of us, not because of us."
And "We decided that sooner or later you had to learn to live without almost everybody, at least for a while. Even people you didn't think you could live without."
45. And this: “love always found itself again."
46. And this one: "Furthermore, worrying about people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems, it doesn't help other people, and it doesn't help us. It is wasted energy."
47. And this – whoa! "Like it or not, i was already learning that in the worst and darkest time, I would find specks of light, moments of joy. What I didn't want to learn was the other, harsher lesson - that in life's brightest moments there would also be unbearable pain.”
48. And I think this is cool too: "A man went to Istanbul, his first visit there. On his way to a business meeting, this man lost his way. He began raging at himself for getting lost, until a realization allowed him to transcend his ire. "How can I be lost? I've never been here before?"
49. And this one seems important: "I trust so much in the power of the heart and the soul; I know that the answer to what we need to do next is in our own hearts. All we have to do is listen, then take that one step further and trust what we hear. We will be taught what we need to learn."
50. And this: "He talks about God, and loving God. he says that when we open to loving a person, whether that person is a spouse, friend, or child, we open our hearts to loving God. He says when we let someone love us, we're opening our hearts to god's love. he says the acts are the same. p 19
I decide loving isn't for the fain. Its for the courageous.
51. And "other people may be there to help us, teach us, guide us along our path, But the lesson to be learned is always ours"
52. And learning about the superfoods.
53. So I’m especially grateful for kiwi
54. And cherries (my favorites)
55. And guavas
56. And beans
57. And watercress
58. And spinach
59. And onions
60. And carrots
61. And cabbage
62. And broccoli
63. And that I now love broccoli – I didn’t like it for so long
64. And kale, which I do love
65. And dandelion, which I need to taste! Don’t know if I ever have
66. And that Lo. appreciated knowing it so I am so glad I shared it. Because I just love her.
67. That I just tried an OA online meeting. I didn’t make it in, but at least I tried.
68. That I’ve made it through this day.
69. And chances are I will make it through tomorrow.
70. Next day – that I did get up and turn myself over to God right away. Gave myself to Him. (I hope it was good enough).
71. I guess I’m grateful that I woke up. Not really, because I don’t want to be here. But in the sense that where there’s life there’s hope.
72. That Wed. my dr. comes.
73. That I love the way the flowers and the new pillow arrangement look in the l.r.
74. That I’m listening to the birds.
75. And although it feels like it’s going to be really hot out, with cross air right now, it is summer-lovely.
76. That all I have to do today is take care of myself. (And take my mother to the bank and shopping).
77. That if I stop putting it off already, this thumb thing is only going to cost me like two days. And I can read and even have visitors during those days and even watch a little tv or a movie.
78. God is there.
79. God is here.
80. God is helping me.
81. And all of us, if we just let Him in.
82. I am not alone in cyberspace.
83. I meditated yesterday.
84. And will today.
85. I have plenty of access to fresh, clean water.
86. Maybe Ph will come tonight.
87. I will call the thumb dr. today.
88. J. hasn’t totally given up yet. I ask you, God, let me know which way to go.
89. I can start *doing * Step Eight today. Ouch. But I need to.
90. I am not all alone.
91. My lungs work.
92. My heart works.
93. That OAer at lunch yesterday, Ja, said she saw the same Dr. Oz that I saw with the 12 pounds of fat. And while I was so surprised that *all * that fat was only 12 pounds, and thought, Oh my God how many of those do I have on me, *she * thought, ooh, as soon as I lose 12 pounds, I’ll have lost all of that.
94. That I will take R this Thursday to the CoDA meeting. Out of service. Even though the meeting is only 60 minutes, and I will spend 80 taking her back and forth.
95. As I think of it, it will help me get there too.
96. And get me out of the house earlier. Which is easier for me
97. Plus then maybe she’ll get herself there some time. And I’ll have another person there.
98. And besides, I just found out yesterday how old she is – almost 75!
99. I want to do this just to be nice. But I’m beginning to see why they say in OA, service is slimming.
100. I don’t feel as desolate as when I woke up.
1. That St. wrote back. Even though she’s away, she wrote.
2. And she did say she’ll have lots and lots of time when gets back.
3. And that I’m about to leave for the meeting after all.
4. That I did go to the meeting.
5. That my mother is feeling better – the leg pain she had this morning is gone.
6. That someone I liked at the meeting said a couple of times that she just loves me.
7. That I do *not * have the pit in my stomach thing so far today! I *think * it is because I truly and literally really turned it all over to God first thing. Turned myself over to God.
8. That that woman at the meeting (after checking that I was open to hearing what she had to say, and would I be insulted…) said to me that she believes: Whoever you put in the place of God, will be removed.
That was HUGE to me. Huge!
9. That we talked about mindfulness, the present, and meditation.
10. That a few people liked my shares.
11. That 5 of us went out for lunch.
12. And I ate so healthily.
13. And I am going to have protein, wh wh toast with a little vegan buttery stuff, and a pear for dinner.
14. That I have practice piano today.
15. And will some more.
16. That I made that Sample Daily Plan for summer for every day of the week.
17. That I have an idea to check the basement for possibly FREE furniture for the sunroom!
18. That I did meditate just now for today: )
19. Today’s For Today: “It’s only when I’m tired of stumbling around in the dark that I stop muttering about ‘the way tings are’ and turn on the light that will lead me to new freedom.” I needed to hear that (we read it at the meeting as well as me reading it here just now).
20. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “If we open our minds and hearts, we can begin the healing process that will bring us the peace and serenity we all deserve.”
21. Today’s In This Moment says “In This Moment, I am taking a test. …My goal now is to draw a line between being too compliant and making unnecessary trouble.”
22. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Don’t you see? We do not have to be so victimized by life, by people, by situations, by work, by our friends, by our love relationships, by our family, by ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts, our circumstances. We are not victims. We do not have to be victims. That is the whole point!”
23. And it says: “Yes, admitting and accepting powerlessness is important. But that is a first step, an introduction to this business of recovery. Later, comes owning our power. Changing what we can. This is as important as admitting and accepting powerlessness.”
24. “And there is so much we can change.”
25. And “We can own our power, wherever we are, wherever we go, whoever we are with.”
And “We do not have to stand there with our hands tied, groveling helplessly, submitting to whatever comes along. There are things we an do. We can speak up. Solve the problem.”
26. “Use the problem to motivate ourselves to do something good for ourselves.”
27. And “We can make ourselves feel good. “
28. And “We can do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. That is the beauty, the reward, the crown of victory we are given in this process called recovery. It is what it is all about!”
29. And “If we can’t do anything about the circumstance, we can change our attitude. We can do the work within: courageously face our issues so we are not victimized. We have been given a miraculous key to life.”
30. And this: “Freedom and joy are ours for the taking, for the feeling, for the hard work we have done.”
31. And finally: “Today, I will remind myself as often as necessary that I am not a victim, and I do not need to be victimized by whatever comes my way. I will work hard to remove myself as a victim, whether that means setting and enforcing a boundary, walking away, dealing with my fellings, or giving myself what I need. God, help me let go of my need to feel victimized.”
32. That I did my CoDA PM work today too.
33. That M. called. Bless her.
34. That I’ll watch the first episode of Dr. Drew this season tonight. I don’t know why I’m grateful for that but I am. Something about dealing with issues, and knowing I’m not the only person with them.
35. That I’m watching The Unsellables and it’s about “unbrowning” a house. Good ideas!
36. That I do believe tomorrow I’ll move the table and 2 chairs outside
37. And clean the floor and put down the rug in the sunroom
38. And at least one chair and table or footrest thing
39. That reading yesterday at MA’s has made me less afraid of the book. I think I’ll go read some of it now.
40. I am grateful for this which I found online “Robert Burney, whoever that is): “We are transcendent Spiritual Beings who are part of the ONENESS that is the God-force. We always have been and always will be. We are perfect in our Spiritual Essence. We are perfectly where we are supposed to be on our Spiritual Path. And from a human perspective we will never be able to do ‘human’ perfectly – which is perfect.”
41. And this: “"In that last line from this quote - "A dysfunctional civilization which teaches us to look outside for our self worth, also teaches us to look outside for a villain." - lies the crux of the problem in so many romantic relationships. When we look to a romantic relationship to give us worth, we give another person the power to make us feel good about ourselves, to feel worthy and lovable. The person who we have given that power to, usually becomes the person to blame when we do not feel good.”
And this: “As long as we did not know we had a choice we did not have one.”
42. And this: “We were powerless to do anything any different than we did it. We were doing the best we knew how with the tools that we had. None of us had the power to write a different script for our lives.”
43. And I’m grateful that I do daily gratitudes. Because Melody Beattie says: “"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."
44. And I like that she says: "...the plan will happen in spite of us, not because of us."
And "We decided that sooner or later you had to learn to live without almost everybody, at least for a while. Even people you didn't think you could live without."
45. And this: “love always found itself again."
46. And this one: "Furthermore, worrying about people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems, it doesn't help other people, and it doesn't help us. It is wasted energy."
47. And this – whoa! "Like it or not, i was already learning that in the worst and darkest time, I would find specks of light, moments of joy. What I didn't want to learn was the other, harsher lesson - that in life's brightest moments there would also be unbearable pain.”
48. And I think this is cool too: "A man went to Istanbul, his first visit there. On his way to a business meeting, this man lost his way. He began raging at himself for getting lost, until a realization allowed him to transcend his ire. "How can I be lost? I've never been here before?"
49. And this one seems important: "I trust so much in the power of the heart and the soul; I know that the answer to what we need to do next is in our own hearts. All we have to do is listen, then take that one step further and trust what we hear. We will be taught what we need to learn."
50. And this: "He talks about God, and loving God. he says that when we open to loving a person, whether that person is a spouse, friend, or child, we open our hearts to loving God. He says when we let someone love us, we're opening our hearts to god's love. he says the acts are the same. p 19
I decide loving isn't for the fain. Its for the courageous.
51. And "other people may be there to help us, teach us, guide us along our path, But the lesson to be learned is always ours"
52. And learning about the superfoods.
53. So I’m especially grateful for kiwi
54. And cherries (my favorites)
55. And guavas
56. And beans
57. And watercress
58. And spinach
59. And onions
60. And carrots
61. And cabbage
62. And broccoli
63. And that I now love broccoli – I didn’t like it for so long
64. And kale, which I do love
65. And dandelion, which I need to taste! Don’t know if I ever have
66. And that Lo. appreciated knowing it so I am so glad I shared it. Because I just love her.
67. That I just tried an OA online meeting. I didn’t make it in, but at least I tried.
68. That I’ve made it through this day.
69. And chances are I will make it through tomorrow.
70. Next day – that I did get up and turn myself over to God right away. Gave myself to Him. (I hope it was good enough).
71. I guess I’m grateful that I woke up. Not really, because I don’t want to be here. But in the sense that where there’s life there’s hope.
72. That Wed. my dr. comes.
73. That I love the way the flowers and the new pillow arrangement look in the l.r.
74. That I’m listening to the birds.
75. And although it feels like it’s going to be really hot out, with cross air right now, it is summer-lovely.
76. That all I have to do today is take care of myself. (And take my mother to the bank and shopping).
77. That if I stop putting it off already, this thumb thing is only going to cost me like two days. And I can read and even have visitors during those days and even watch a little tv or a movie.
78. God is there.
79. God is here.
80. God is helping me.
81. And all of us, if we just let Him in.
82. I am not alone in cyberspace.
83. I meditated yesterday.
84. And will today.
85. I have plenty of access to fresh, clean water.
86. Maybe Ph will come tonight.
87. I will call the thumb dr. today.
88. J. hasn’t totally given up yet. I ask you, God, let me know which way to go.
89. I can start *doing * Step Eight today. Ouch. But I need to.
90. I am not all alone.
91. My lungs work.
92. My heart works.
93. That OAer at lunch yesterday, Ja, said she saw the same Dr. Oz that I saw with the 12 pounds of fat. And while I was so surprised that *all * that fat was only 12 pounds, and thought, Oh my God how many of those do I have on me, *she * thought, ooh, as soon as I lose 12 pounds, I’ll have lost all of that.
94. That I will take R this Thursday to the CoDA meeting. Out of service. Even though the meeting is only 60 minutes, and I will spend 80 taking her back and forth.
95. As I think of it, it will help me get there too.
96. And get me out of the house earlier. Which is easier for me
97. Plus then maybe she’ll get herself there some time. And I’ll have another person there.
98. And besides, I just found out yesterday how old she is – almost 75!
99. I want to do this just to be nice. But I’m beginning to see why they say in OA, service is slimming.
100. I don’t feel as desolate as when I woke up.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Today's Daily Affirmations
I am good enough.
Loneliness won't kill me.
I have time off to work on me.
And have fun.
J. does love me.
He just needs time to build himself.
As do I.
We will have a happy marriage for life soon.
I am good enough.
Loneliness won't kill me.
I have time off to work on me.
And have fun.
J. does love me.
He just needs time to build himself.
As do I.
We will have a happy marriage for life soon.
I am good enough.
Loneliness won't kill me.
I have time off to work on me.
And have fun.
J. does love me.
He just needs time to build himself.
As do I.
We will have a happy marriage for life soon.
I am good enough.
Loneliness won't kill me.
I have time off to work on me.
And have fun.
J. does love me.
He just needs time to build himself.
As do I.
We will have a happy marriage for life soon.
I am ready to live.
Loneliness won't kill me.
I have time off to work on me.
And have fun.
J. does love me.
He just needs time to build himself.
As do I.
We will have a happy marriage for life soon.
I am good enough.
Loneliness won't kill me.
I have time off to work on me.
And have fun.
J. does love me.
He just needs time to build himself.
As do I.
We will have a happy marriage for life soon.
I am good enough.
Loneliness won't kill me.
I have time off to work on me.
And have fun.
J. does love me.
He just needs time to build himself.
As do I.
We will have a happy marriage for life soon.
I am good enough.
Loneliness won't kill me.
I have time off to work on me.
And have fun.
J. does love me.
He just needs time to build himself.
As do I.
We will have a happy marriage for life soon.
I am ready to live.
Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today
I am grateful:
1. I am grateful that I am sitting here with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. A gift from a parent. So large. Much taller than my vase but with strong stems so won’t fall over. 3 hydrangeas and a few roses of different gorgeous colors including coral and some yellow daisies and big pink somethings and 2 carnations and the foliage is gorgeous and one sticking up. It is lush and cheerful and gorgeous and so far is not making me allergic.
2. I am grateful for piano.
3. I am grateful that I’m alive today and haven’t hurt or killed myself.
4. I am grateful for friends.
5. In today’s For Today it says: People to whom nothing has ever happened cannot understand the unimportance of events.” T.S. Eliot. I think that’s huge.
6. Then it goes on to say: “Events are on the outside, and problems are on the inside.”
7. And “Possessing objects or engaging in activities that attract attention can be distractions that keep one from dealing with feelings of insecurity, frustration, anger or low self-esteem. Such problems cannot be eradicated from the outside. It’s an inside job.”
8. And this, which I see as a promise: “For today: Recovery holds out the promise of a better life than I ever dreamed possible.”
9. And “The most important thing I can do today is the footwork that is bringing it about.” Okay.
10. Wow. And after I was just thinking about this this minute! In today’s Voices of Recovery it says: “A person doesn’t have to be abstinent to be welcome at OA meetings . . . In fact, many of us have kept coming back to OA despite problems with abstinence and have found this to be the key to our recovery.”
11. Sp: “It just happens. You gotta pray and meditate and all that stuff… and it just happens.” (p. 86)
12. Sp: “Reading every word front to back, maybe 4th or 5th time with one guy, over 20 years, keep reading stories that neither of us heard before – though read it tog. 5 x and I’ve read it with others many times.”
13. The Big Book Treasure Hunt an OAer made and it’s been approved (in our area at least) to use.
14. And I just got # 50 (‘cause my copy only had 49) and it is on p. 368 is the quote. “And the most important person to be honest with is yourself.”
15. Sp called me bath with that quote. And I’m grateful for that.
16. It also says in Voices of Recovery today: “sometimes I could only show up at a meeting and contribute tot eh Seventh Tradition. I cried, nodded, and tried to act as if everything was okay, even though I was falling apart emotionally.” This gives me hope for me.
17. And this: “By the grace of my God and my courage not to leave the rooms, something miraculous happened over time.”
18. And “I heard the message of those long-time abstaining members.”
19. And “It didn’t happen that one day I did everything OA suggests, but slowly I started to ask the right people profound questions.”
20. And it says this, and this reminds me of how I found my wonderful bless-ed Sponsor: “This eventually led me to the one person who was willing and strong enough to overcome every obstacle I put up to resist recovery.”
21. And this, which is so important for me to hear: “It works, no matter what.”
22. Today’s In This Moment says: “In This Moment, I feel safe.”
23. And “As a youngster, I was not allowed to cry, speak, or scream. I carried the burden of my parents’ truth. My childhood was not happy ;it wasn’t a safe place to be. I was alone. I didn’t question. For years I kept the family secrets. I looked just fine on the outside, but inside I was a mess.” And “Many years later, I found a safe place in CoDA meetings.”
24. And “I discovered people I could trust.”
25. And “I saw my parents’ characteristics in others and their truth helped set me free. I found brothers and sisters at every meeting. In CoDA, I found my true family and my authentic self.”
26. Today’s Language of Letting Go “Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we close ourselves off from a person we’re in a relationship with. Our body may be present, but we’re not. We’re not available to participate in the relationship. We shut down.” Shit. That’s what I did in my marriage. But I’m glad to learn about it now.
27. And then it says while sometime this is legitimate, needing some time out, “Sometimes it is self-defeating to close ourselves off in a relationship.”
28. Yesterday’s Daily OM: “Warning Signs – Paying Attention to Red Flags – Red flags often come in the form of feelings urging us to pause for a moment, listen to our intuition, and reconsider.”
29. And “Just as the universe wants to provide for our needs, it also seeks to protect us from dangerous situations, destructive relationships, and even minor inconveniences. Frequently in our lives, perhaps everyday, we encounter psychic red flags warning us of potential problems or accidents. We may not always recognize the signs. However, more often than not, we may choose to ignore our intuition when it tells us that “something just isn’t right.”
30. And “We may even experience a “bad” feeling in our bellies. This is a red flag letting us know that there may be a problem. We may not even know what the red flag is about. All we know is that the universe is trying to wave us in a different direction. We just have to pay attention and go another way.”
31. And “…it is always in our best interest to pay attention to them.”
32. And this, which reminds me of A from OA: “For example, we may meet someone who outwardly seems perfect. They are intelligent, attractive, and charming.”
33. And this: “Red flags are intended with our best interests at heart. No harm can ever come from stopping long enough to heed a red flag. Pay attention to any red flags that pop up. The universe is always looking out for you.”
34. And today’s Daily OM says this: “Your mind may be alive with fun ideas for things to do today, but there may be work to be done before you can make time for enjoying yourself.” And so maybe it’s more than a day too. Like, I have to do the work on myself before I can reap the benefits of my relationship.
35. And this: “If so, you might consider focusing your attention on the tasks that are in front of you today. You might think about portioning out your time, perhaps in intervals of two-hour blocks, when you can focus entirely on your work.”
36. And this one: “Concentrating the sum of your energy on your tasks and responsibilities may help you get things done more quickly. You can then schedule breaks in between projects and make phone calls, come up with social plans, or simply anticipate how good you may feel once your work is complete.”
37. And this one (and may it be true): “See to your work today by managing your time and attention, and you'll be able to enjoy yourself later on when your time is free for fun.”
38. Bill W’s Book (As Bill Sees It) p. 61: “Fear somehow touched about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which b rought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve. But did not we often set the ball rolling ourselves?”
39. And “The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and the grace to deal constructively with whatever fears remain.” Okay. Ouch, scary. But therein lies the hope.
40. I am grateful that I heard from Ma last night.
41. And *grateful * that I just made all those trips from the car to the yard, stairs and all, to get the plants from the classroom out there.
42. And that I believe I will make myself report them and clean them up soon.
43. And that my jade is still alive.
44. And that I just spoke to MA.
45. And that she will call me back and perhaps we can read together sometime today.
46. I think fear and hiding ruined both my relationships. Fear, hiding, and the desire to just not be that way somewhere, and of course to have others think I wasn’t that way. I am grateful to know that now. And not to want it anymore. And to be taking steps to change it.
47. The show “Sell This House.”
48. All the shows that show dark rich floors, especially with dark furniture and still looking great. They give me good ideas.
49. That I did my prayers for everyone on my list today.
50. Including me.
51. I am grateful, so grateful, that I am not alone out in cyberspace. It was so lonely and I’m so grateful that it no longer is.
52. I’m grateful that I will not be taking my mother shopping and to the bank today.
53. And that I *will * be taking her Monday: )
54. I’m grateful that I have spent so much time at the piano today.
55. And gotten further with the Bach.
56. And cleanly.
57. And a little it better with the Chopin.
58. And that I felt relief when praying the St. Jude prayer.
59. That every day I continue to grow. For me. And that is so good for me.
60. And that it is *also * good for my long-term chances with J.
61. That I can sit here and watch a cheesy Lifetime movie for a change. Why not? : )
62. That I can make a list today, and plan what I am going to eat all week. And eat that. And only that. Things have always been best for my health and weight when I did that.
63. And that I can have a cup of cherries for a nighttime snack etc. (I’ll see that list).
64. Next morning: I just felt it – really felt it – God is more important than J.
65. And – I awoke and *immediately * said the thank you for the morning prayer, the knees prayer, and the prostate prayer, and while prostrate, I gave myself to God, all of me good and bad (and it was like the 7th step prayer but I didn’t have all the words to that memorized). And felt some relief. Wow.
66. MA let me go there yesterday.
67. And we did talk, but I got a chapter read in my book.
68. And K. said I could keep the book.
69. So I was able to mark it up with highlighter etc.
70. And wow. What a chapter.
71. MA is thinking of extending the house and staying there while gives to daughter and her family. I hope she does, because she’ll be in an area she loves, on grounds she loves, with all her perennials, not a HUGE adjustment, in her own bedroom (but bigger!:) and if ever she’s sick, she won’t be alone. I’m grateful that she’s thinking and researching that way.
72. That I just e-mailed some friends so maybe we can get together soon
73. That I just made a sample schedule for summer week that includes musts and funs
74. Yesterday’s Recovery Meditation: “One must really have suffered oneself to help others.” Mother Teresa. (I should be a big help then lol. No really. Schizophrenic mother, father died young and suddenly, relationship stuff, abuse I had, financial real hardships I had, and now this, with J.) And I *do * think it makes me a better teacher that I know suffering.
75. And it goes on to talk about past as people pleaser which would ultimately backfire because would feel used and resentful and land up in the food as way of compensating. Yes, I’ve done that too!
76. And then it says, “Since coming into the program I have changed the way I help others. Instead of doing for others so they would like me - - or so I would get a pat on the back - - [or, self, for insurance] I share my experience, strength and hope with other compulsive overeaters. I have been where they have been, and I can share with them my struggles and how I’ve overcome them.”
77. And it says, “Not only do I help others in the program with what I have learned, but, as they say, I can only keep what I have if I give it away.”
78. It even says, “I get as much - - if not more - - from sharing with another in the program.”
79. And “How different this is from the way it was before I began the program, and I’m so grateful for that!”
80. The weather was nice yesterday.
81. In today’s Recovery Meditation it says: “We shall neither fail nor falter; we shall not weaken or tire. . . give us the tools and we will finish the job.” Winston Churchill
82. And it says this and I need it: “The tools we use to help us throughout each day include: Step Work, Sponsorship, Meetings, Prayer, Meditation, Writing, Literature, Meal Plan, service and Abstinence.”
83. And it says, and I see this as a promise: ”These tools assist us in keeping our days balanced and they allow for a meaningful, productive day, each day of our recovery.
84. It even says this, and may it be true, and I *am * grateful because I *do * see it as sort of a promise: “We hold strong to our recovery with the assistance of these tools, building our endurance each day. Like soldiers marching across the field, we are on the frontline day-to-day. By using these tools and keeping them close to us, we are ready to take on anything that might come our way.”
85. And the sort of prayer is: “ONE DAY AT A TIME Give us the tools, and I will keep them close to me.” And I like that.
86. Today’s other thing says: Discipline and patience today could go a long way toward helping you manifest what you want in your life.
87. And “Discipline gives you the focus and motivation, while patience gives you the time that you need for manifestation.”
88. And this: “Remember that our goals are something that we create for ourselves. Our goals don't realize themselves; we realize our goals.”
89. And “With self-discipline and patience, we can trust ourselves to manifest our dreams.” Trust myself. Wow.
90. Wowie zowie and this: “In youth we relied on the guidance of elders to coax and motivate us so we could meet the objectives we had been given. As adults, we have both the privilege and responsibility to create our own strategies and employ our own methods in order to follow through on creating what we want.”
91. And this truism: “No one can realize our dreams but us, and we have a responsibility to ourselves to try and make them come true.”
92. And this, which I see as a promise: “Exercise discipline and patience today, and you will move at least one step closer toward achieving the goals you have set for yourself.”
93. That I have a gym so near my house.
94. And it’s safe.
95. And clean
96. And cheap
97. And I will be going to it this week.
98. And I will get help even if I have to pay a trainer.
99. And I will be good to my body.
100. And right this minute I’m going to practice piano a bit and I’m happy about that.
101. And I’m very very grateful that I feel hopeful this morning. Very grateful to God.
1. I am grateful that I am sitting here with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. A gift from a parent. So large. Much taller than my vase but with strong stems so won’t fall over. 3 hydrangeas and a few roses of different gorgeous colors including coral and some yellow daisies and big pink somethings and 2 carnations and the foliage is gorgeous and one sticking up. It is lush and cheerful and gorgeous and so far is not making me allergic.
2. I am grateful for piano.
3. I am grateful that I’m alive today and haven’t hurt or killed myself.
4. I am grateful for friends.
5. In today’s For Today it says: People to whom nothing has ever happened cannot understand the unimportance of events.” T.S. Eliot. I think that’s huge.
6. Then it goes on to say: “Events are on the outside, and problems are on the inside.”
7. And “Possessing objects or engaging in activities that attract attention can be distractions that keep one from dealing with feelings of insecurity, frustration, anger or low self-esteem. Such problems cannot be eradicated from the outside. It’s an inside job.”
8. And this, which I see as a promise: “For today: Recovery holds out the promise of a better life than I ever dreamed possible.”
9. And “The most important thing I can do today is the footwork that is bringing it about.” Okay.
10. Wow. And after I was just thinking about this this minute! In today’s Voices of Recovery it says: “A person doesn’t have to be abstinent to be welcome at OA meetings . . . In fact, many of us have kept coming back to OA despite problems with abstinence and have found this to be the key to our recovery.”
11. Sp: “It just happens. You gotta pray and meditate and all that stuff… and it just happens.” (p. 86)
12. Sp: “Reading every word front to back, maybe 4th or 5th time with one guy, over 20 years, keep reading stories that neither of us heard before – though read it tog. 5 x and I’ve read it with others many times.”
13. The Big Book Treasure Hunt an OAer made and it’s been approved (in our area at least) to use.
14. And I just got # 50 (‘cause my copy only had 49) and it is on p. 368 is the quote. “And the most important person to be honest with is yourself.”
15. Sp called me bath with that quote. And I’m grateful for that.
16. It also says in Voices of Recovery today: “sometimes I could only show up at a meeting and contribute tot eh Seventh Tradition. I cried, nodded, and tried to act as if everything was okay, even though I was falling apart emotionally.” This gives me hope for me.
17. And this: “By the grace of my God and my courage not to leave the rooms, something miraculous happened over time.”
18. And “I heard the message of those long-time abstaining members.”
19. And “It didn’t happen that one day I did everything OA suggests, but slowly I started to ask the right people profound questions.”
20. And it says this, and this reminds me of how I found my wonderful bless-ed Sponsor: “This eventually led me to the one person who was willing and strong enough to overcome every obstacle I put up to resist recovery.”
21. And this, which is so important for me to hear: “It works, no matter what.”
22. Today’s In This Moment says: “In This Moment, I feel safe.”
23. And “As a youngster, I was not allowed to cry, speak, or scream. I carried the burden of my parents’ truth. My childhood was not happy ;it wasn’t a safe place to be. I was alone. I didn’t question. For years I kept the family secrets. I looked just fine on the outside, but inside I was a mess.” And “Many years later, I found a safe place in CoDA meetings.”
24. And “I discovered people I could trust.”
25. And “I saw my parents’ characteristics in others and their truth helped set me free. I found brothers and sisters at every meeting. In CoDA, I found my true family and my authentic self.”
26. Today’s Language of Letting Go “Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we close ourselves off from a person we’re in a relationship with. Our body may be present, but we’re not. We’re not available to participate in the relationship. We shut down.” Shit. That’s what I did in my marriage. But I’m glad to learn about it now.
27. And then it says while sometime this is legitimate, needing some time out, “Sometimes it is self-defeating to close ourselves off in a relationship.”
28. Yesterday’s Daily OM: “Warning Signs – Paying Attention to Red Flags – Red flags often come in the form of feelings urging us to pause for a moment, listen to our intuition, and reconsider.”
29. And “Just as the universe wants to provide for our needs, it also seeks to protect us from dangerous situations, destructive relationships, and even minor inconveniences. Frequently in our lives, perhaps everyday, we encounter psychic red flags warning us of potential problems or accidents. We may not always recognize the signs. However, more often than not, we may choose to ignore our intuition when it tells us that “something just isn’t right.”
30. And “We may even experience a “bad” feeling in our bellies. This is a red flag letting us know that there may be a problem. We may not even know what the red flag is about. All we know is that the universe is trying to wave us in a different direction. We just have to pay attention and go another way.”
31. And “…it is always in our best interest to pay attention to them.”
32. And this, which reminds me of A from OA: “For example, we may meet someone who outwardly seems perfect. They are intelligent, attractive, and charming.”
33. And this: “Red flags are intended with our best interests at heart. No harm can ever come from stopping long enough to heed a red flag. Pay attention to any red flags that pop up. The universe is always looking out for you.”
34. And today’s Daily OM says this: “Your mind may be alive with fun ideas for things to do today, but there may be work to be done before you can make time for enjoying yourself.” And so maybe it’s more than a day too. Like, I have to do the work on myself before I can reap the benefits of my relationship.
35. And this: “If so, you might consider focusing your attention on the tasks that are in front of you today. You might think about portioning out your time, perhaps in intervals of two-hour blocks, when you can focus entirely on your work.”
36. And this one: “Concentrating the sum of your energy on your tasks and responsibilities may help you get things done more quickly. You can then schedule breaks in between projects and make phone calls, come up with social plans, or simply anticipate how good you may feel once your work is complete.”
37. And this one (and may it be true): “See to your work today by managing your time and attention, and you'll be able to enjoy yourself later on when your time is free for fun.”
38. Bill W’s Book (As Bill Sees It) p. 61: “Fear somehow touched about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which b rought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve. But did not we often set the ball rolling ourselves?”
39. And “The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and the grace to deal constructively with whatever fears remain.” Okay. Ouch, scary. But therein lies the hope.
40. I am grateful that I heard from Ma last night.
41. And *grateful * that I just made all those trips from the car to the yard, stairs and all, to get the plants from the classroom out there.
42. And that I believe I will make myself report them and clean them up soon.
43. And that my jade is still alive.
44. And that I just spoke to MA.
45. And that she will call me back and perhaps we can read together sometime today.
46. I think fear and hiding ruined both my relationships. Fear, hiding, and the desire to just not be that way somewhere, and of course to have others think I wasn’t that way. I am grateful to know that now. And not to want it anymore. And to be taking steps to change it.
47. The show “Sell This House.”
48. All the shows that show dark rich floors, especially with dark furniture and still looking great. They give me good ideas.
49. That I did my prayers for everyone on my list today.
50. Including me.
51. I am grateful, so grateful, that I am not alone out in cyberspace. It was so lonely and I’m so grateful that it no longer is.
52. I’m grateful that I will not be taking my mother shopping and to the bank today.
53. And that I *will * be taking her Monday: )
54. I’m grateful that I have spent so much time at the piano today.
55. And gotten further with the Bach.
56. And cleanly.
57. And a little it better with the Chopin.
58. And that I felt relief when praying the St. Jude prayer.
59. That every day I continue to grow. For me. And that is so good for me.
60. And that it is *also * good for my long-term chances with J.
61. That I can sit here and watch a cheesy Lifetime movie for a change. Why not? : )
62. That I can make a list today, and plan what I am going to eat all week. And eat that. And only that. Things have always been best for my health and weight when I did that.
63. And that I can have a cup of cherries for a nighttime snack etc. (I’ll see that list).
64. Next morning: I just felt it – really felt it – God is more important than J.
65. And – I awoke and *immediately * said the thank you for the morning prayer, the knees prayer, and the prostate prayer, and while prostrate, I gave myself to God, all of me good and bad (and it was like the 7th step prayer but I didn’t have all the words to that memorized). And felt some relief. Wow.
66. MA let me go there yesterday.
67. And we did talk, but I got a chapter read in my book.
68. And K. said I could keep the book.
69. So I was able to mark it up with highlighter etc.
70. And wow. What a chapter.
71. MA is thinking of extending the house and staying there while gives to daughter and her family. I hope she does, because she’ll be in an area she loves, on grounds she loves, with all her perennials, not a HUGE adjustment, in her own bedroom (but bigger!:) and if ever she’s sick, she won’t be alone. I’m grateful that she’s thinking and researching that way.
72. That I just e-mailed some friends so maybe we can get together soon
73. That I just made a sample schedule for summer week that includes musts and funs
74. Yesterday’s Recovery Meditation: “One must really have suffered oneself to help others.” Mother Teresa. (I should be a big help then lol. No really. Schizophrenic mother, father died young and suddenly, relationship stuff, abuse I had, financial real hardships I had, and now this, with J.) And I *do * think it makes me a better teacher that I know suffering.
75. And it goes on to talk about past as people pleaser which would ultimately backfire because would feel used and resentful and land up in the food as way of compensating. Yes, I’ve done that too!
76. And then it says, “Since coming into the program I have changed the way I help others. Instead of doing for others so they would like me - - or so I would get a pat on the back - - [or, self, for insurance] I share my experience, strength and hope with other compulsive overeaters. I have been where they have been, and I can share with them my struggles and how I’ve overcome them.”
77. And it says, “Not only do I help others in the program with what I have learned, but, as they say, I can only keep what I have if I give it away.”
78. It even says, “I get as much - - if not more - - from sharing with another in the program.”
79. And “How different this is from the way it was before I began the program, and I’m so grateful for that!”
80. The weather was nice yesterday.
81. In today’s Recovery Meditation it says: “We shall neither fail nor falter; we shall not weaken or tire. . . give us the tools and we will finish the job.” Winston Churchill
82. And it says this and I need it: “The tools we use to help us throughout each day include: Step Work, Sponsorship, Meetings, Prayer, Meditation, Writing, Literature, Meal Plan, service and Abstinence.”
83. And it says, and I see this as a promise: ”These tools assist us in keeping our days balanced and they allow for a meaningful, productive day, each day of our recovery.
84. It even says this, and may it be true, and I *am * grateful because I *do * see it as sort of a promise: “We hold strong to our recovery with the assistance of these tools, building our endurance each day. Like soldiers marching across the field, we are on the frontline day-to-day. By using these tools and keeping them close to us, we are ready to take on anything that might come our way.”
85. And the sort of prayer is: “ONE DAY AT A TIME Give us the tools, and I will keep them close to me.” And I like that.
86. Today’s other thing says: Discipline and patience today could go a long way toward helping you manifest what you want in your life.
87. And “Discipline gives you the focus and motivation, while patience gives you the time that you need for manifestation.”
88. And this: “Remember that our goals are something that we create for ourselves. Our goals don't realize themselves; we realize our goals.”
89. And “With self-discipline and patience, we can trust ourselves to manifest our dreams.” Trust myself. Wow.
90. Wowie zowie and this: “In youth we relied on the guidance of elders to coax and motivate us so we could meet the objectives we had been given. As adults, we have both the privilege and responsibility to create our own strategies and employ our own methods in order to follow through on creating what we want.”
91. And this truism: “No one can realize our dreams but us, and we have a responsibility to ourselves to try and make them come true.”
92. And this, which I see as a promise: “Exercise discipline and patience today, and you will move at least one step closer toward achieving the goals you have set for yourself.”
93. That I have a gym so near my house.
94. And it’s safe.
95. And clean
96. And cheap
97. And I will be going to it this week.
98. And I will get help even if I have to pay a trainer.
99. And I will be good to my body.
100. And right this minute I’m going to practice piano a bit and I’m happy about that.
101. And I’m very very grateful that I feel hopeful this morning. Very grateful to God.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
My Daily Affirmations Today
God made me.
God has given me summer.
I am healing.
I will be all better.
I am desirable.
I am funny.
I am smart.
I am open-hearted.
J. loves me.
He will heal.
He will be back.
We will be happy together.
God made me.
God has given me summer.
I am healing.
I will be all better.
I am desirable.
I am funny.
I am smart.
I am open-hearted.
J. loves me.
He will be back.
We will be happy together.
God made me.
God has given me summer.
I am healing.
I will be all better.
I am desirable.
I am funny.
I am smart.
I am open-hearted.
J. loves me.
He will be back.
We will be happy together.
God made me.
God has given me summer.
I am healing.
I will be all better.
I am desirable.
I am funny.
I am smart.
I am open-hearted.
J. loves me.
He will be back.
We will be happy together.
God made me.
God has given me summer.
I am healing.
I will be all better.
I am desirable.
I am funny.
I am smart.
i am open-hearted.
J. loves me.
He will be back.
We will be happy together.
God has given me summer.
I am healing.
I will be all better.
I am desirable.
I am funny.
I am smart.
I am open-hearted.
J. loves me.
He will heal.
He will be back.
We will be happy together.
God made me.
God has given me summer.
I am healing.
I will be all better.
I am desirable.
I am funny.
I am smart.
I am open-hearted.
J. loves me.
He will be back.
We will be happy together.
God made me.
God has given me summer.
I am healing.
I will be all better.
I am desirable.
I am funny.
I am smart.
I am open-hearted.
J. loves me.
He will be back.
We will be happy together.
God made me.
God has given me summer.
I am healing.
I will be all better.
I am desirable.
I am funny.
I am smart.
I am open-hearted.
J. loves me.
He will be back.
We will be happy together.
God made me.
God has given me summer.
I am healing.
I will be all better.
I am desirable.
I am funny.
I am smart.
i am open-hearted.
J. loves me.
He will be back.
We will be happy together.
Friday, June 24, 2011
My 100 Gratitudes Today
I am grateful:
1. That Dr. Phil was great yesterday. (Wish J. had seen it but at least it was great).
2. That M. called last night (even though I was so tired and it sort of woke me).
3. That I *feel like * eating well today.
4. That my back isn’t hurting this morning like yesterday.
5. In today’s For Today: “Do not consider painful what is good for you.” Euripides
6. And “Today I know that pain puts me in touch with what I need – something from which I have cut myself off in blind obedience to habit.”
7. And “What pain tells me today is that I have to change.”
8. This is huge. In today’s In This Moment it says: “In This Moment, I am a recovering codependent. I clearly see how I learned to be codependent in my childhood. I was shamed, neglected, invalidated, and forced to take on responsibilities too heavy for my age. Sometimes, people praised and complimented me for my codependent behavior! They couldn’t see that my ‘unselfish’ behavior was damaging.”
9. And “Now, I am learning healthy new behaviors, communication skills, and ways to respond.”
10. And it says that, “I practice my skills by interacting with other recovering codependents. I get support and encouragement from the Fellowship.”
11. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “My diseased mind tries to tell me that by compulsively eating certain foods, I can make a situation better.”
12. And “I now know this is not true.”
13. And that “My mind will never operate the way a normal eater’s does. I accept the fact that I will always have this disease.”
14. And “…now I no longer have to feel isolated, different, or ashamed.”
15. “Today I can rest easy in the fact that I am not alone.”
16. I do not feel the time pressure coming for the next two months that I have felt lately. Yay. Scared of the empties but relieved about the time pressure. And can look at the gratitude list before this one for reminders of great ideas of how to fill time with good things this summer.
17.In today’s Language of Letting Go: “One night, I saw tings clearyly. I realized that my attempts to control him would never solve the problem. I also saw that my life was unmanageable. I couldn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to do. His alcoholism was controlling me, even though I wasn’t drinking.”
18.“I set him free, to do as he chose. The truth is, he did as he pleased anyway. Things changed the night I detached. He could feel it, and so could I.”
19.“When I set him free, I set myself free to live my own life.”
20.And it says this, which is scary for me, but that’s all the more reason I need it: “I’ve had to practice the principle of detachment many times since then. I’ve had to detach from uneahlthy people and healthy people. It’s never failed. Detachment works.”
21.And: “Detachment is a gift. I t will be given to us when we’re ready for it. When we set the other person free, we are set free.”
22.And “Today, wherever possible, I will detach in love.” Wow. Thank you, God, for all *those * thoughts. And for getting me ready, these months. I thank you, I honor you, I love you.”
23. I can have *half * a cup of coffee starting tomorrow, or less strong, if I want, I think. And it won’t make me so jittery as I drink it (like today’s is).
24. I just lost all my peace, from one little e-mail from J. It wasn’t nasty. It was just cold. Like “I’d like to bring [dog] by at 2 today. Does that work for you. J.” That hurts my stomach. Literally. I was feeling so much better before reading that. And I shouldn’t have answered right away. I’d rather not have mentioned about being wiped and allergic from the classroom dust. But it was my immediate reaction. Damn. Damn damn damn. But then I opened Recovery Meditations from yesterday and it said: “Recovery Meditations One Day at a Time
Miracles are instantaneous, they cannot be summoned but come of themselves, usually at unlikely moments and to those who least expect them” Katherine Ann Porter (I hope so! : )
25. And it goes on to say…”Being able to maintain my weight, rather than losing and gaining weight every few months, is a miracle. Most importantly, my transformed relationships with my children and other loved ones are miracles.”
26. And this, which I love: “ONE DAY AT A TIME . . . I will open my mind to the possibility of miracles occurring in my life…and they will come.”
27. Today’s Daily OM: “We can alleviate physical manifestations of anxiety by doing what brings us comfort. We store tension in our bodies unconsciously. When we become aware of when we are oing this, we can then take conscious action to release that tension. Every small action we take with an eye toward relieving accumulated pressure gently wicks tension away from our bodies. We feel results and relief instantly, becoming more relaxed and comfortable with each action we take.”
28. And they give *some * suggestions like: “Go for some restorative bodywork; soak in a hot bath sprinkled with calming essential oils; do some deep, slow stretches, focusing attention on the uncomfortable areas of your body; ask a friend or a loved one to give you a long hug; discuss what is on your mind with someone close to you.”
29. Sp: “Abe Lincoln says You can be as happy today as you make up your mind to be.”
30. That I finished everything for the school year.
31. And felt good about myself.
32. And did it all without J’s help.
33. And M. said I didn’t have to take her doggie and that does relieve me.
34. That I left early enough.
35. And cried and cried and cried in car and at home –but took pill and eventually stopped.
36. And M. called, which was nice.
37. And I’m grateful that I will try to be positive.
38. And Ma just called too.
39. And maybe we’ll go together Mon night
40. And R’s mom went on and on about what a great year I gave R.
41. AND that the big deal is I gave Ja a great year too, and gave them both a totally different second grade experience. Because I don’t teach “the class” I teach the individual. I was very grateful to be acknowledged that way.
42. And Tr confirmed it too.
43. And I know it is a big strength of mine.
44. And I’ll watch Two and a Half men tonight.
45. And I’ll practice tomorrow.
46. And I’m grateful that I am breathing and can sleep tonight.
47. And decided not to take Ph for a couple of days
48. And realized that J. may not be mad at me – may just be trying to grow.
49. Or – ma be mad at me but it’s not mine.
50. Or, even the part that is mine, God forbid, I ould only do the best I could do with what I knew at that time. Now I can do better. And that’s all I can do.
51. And that I just, instead of crying for 4 – 4 ½ hours, did research for my summer work with M., and got us that much ahead!
52. And that’s a gift to her too.
53. And that the kids had a good last hour, I think.
54. And I got *really * nice gifts.
55. And cards.
56. And a beautiful loving letter from a child. An amazing one. About how I’ve touched her heart…
57. And others too.
58. And a poster from my sweetie, little R.
59. And that I went to the principal about that child saying his mother hits him.
60. And that even though she kept telling me to hurry and then said, “You’re dumping this on me. With 20 minutes to go.” I didn’t give up. Because hey, there’s nothing we can do about it that he just told me. And I felt intimidated but he was infinitely more important than my feelings with her.
61. And I believe we did the right thing. The moral thing. The ethical thing. And the legal thing.
62. And I’m glad I was one of the people who helped convince that person who knows the heroin addict single mother, that she had to call the child protective people and get that child removed from that dangerous situation.
63. And she did call! Yay.
64. And I’m thankful for Peter Falk, who died today. But oh how I loved Columbo. I had many nice hours with it. Alone, with my father, with my mother, with both I think, and with J on vacations. Thank you for your work, Mr. Falk.
65. And for prayers.
66. And for C’s prayers for me.
67. This, in an msn.com article today: "The social withdrawal that comes with depression can help you change something in your life that's broken—and once you've gone through it, you can be stronger and more resilient because of the experience."
68. And “When several psychologists recently asked nearly 2,400 people about their history of adverse experiences—everything from whether they'd been through a divorce or natural disaster to if they'd ever lost a loved one—they found that those who had faced some misfortune were actually more well adjusted than those who'd had no bumps in the road at all.”
69. And this: Lara Honos-Webb, PhD, a clinical psychologist in San Francisco, actually encourages her patients to dwell on their problems. "Depression is meant to stop you in your tracks because, like physical pain, it's a signal that there's something wrong and you need to fix it," says Dr. Honos-Webb, who wrote Listening to Depression: How Understanding Your Pain Can Heal Your Life.
70. And "The social withdrawal that comes with depression can help you change something in your life that's broken—and once you've gone through it, you can be stronger and more resilient because of the experience."
71. And bumper stickers listed in another article on msn.com today. Like: "Just when you think life's a bitch, it has puppies"
72. And the article’s author, saying: “Happiness may be all around you. You simply have to slow down and notice it.”
73. And How to tell if you're in need of some guidance? You might want to consult a friend (preferably a nonjudgmental one) who appreciates your way of thinking but who can also remind you that, although your new ambition to be a trapeze artist might make you happy, it could delay your long-held plan of getting pregnant.
74. And "It also helps to jot down answers to questions like 'When did I enjoy myself today?' and 'What did I learn?'" Bolles says. What's crucial is tuning in to your feelings, then paying attention to them as you find your way to your passion.
75. And "People who have religious beliefs and partake in spiritual activities regularly report greater feelings of happiness and feel a deeper sense of meaning and purpose in life, possibly because they're better equipped to deal with stress," says Harold G. Koenig, M.D., director of the Center for Spirituality, Theology and Health at Duke University.
76. And that I can read. It has helped me since KINDERGARTEN when I learned!
77. And: "Technically, nobody needs anybody—no adult is going to die without another human being," says Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage.
78. And "But on a broader level, everybody needs everybody. Having the attitude that you don't need anyone isn't independent; it's antidependent. It isn't healthy, nor is it conducive to being in a loving relationship."
79. And "There's a big difference between saying 'I'd love a hug' and 'I will fall apart without a hug,'"
80. And "Sometimes, it seems to me as if the only women who aren't wrapped up in the whole self-improvement thing are those who've had a serious illness," she says. "After coping with something like cancer, you tend to think, Well, I'm alive and I'm happy. But you shouldn't have to get sick to learn to appreciate what you have."
81. And this is good: Hear, hear! Instead of focusing on an "imperfect" part, Domar suggests, ask yourself, What beauty do I see today? Maybe it's a great haircut or glowing skin. Don't stop looking until you find something kind to say about yourself. "If you keep at it," Domar says, "the exercise can really change your perspective."
82. And in yet another of the articles, it says for depression: Routines that promote exercise, nutrition, and a healthy amount of sleep are helpful.
83. And Document and praise small, daily achievements—even something as simple as getting out of bed.
84. That the Roseanne show’s been on today. And ones that are okay for me. I don’t care that J thinks it’s a waste of time. I needed it on this last day of school this year.
85. Okay, I can’t believe I’m saying this. But it wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t. I broke my veganism. Once. Today. After 4 years. And I’m grateful that I did. Because although I take it very seriously and always will, I need to know that I am free. And the truth is, those bites didn’t kill anyone. I think in the long-run of my life and the good I can do, this was the right decision.
86. That someone left a nice note about “piano and hope” which were all I said I felt I had for rewards right now, sounding pretty good.
87. That some people still read my blog.
88. And at least one gets something good for her out of it.
89. For that woman who almost 3 years ago gave me the idea about 100 gratitudes a day.
90. For my daddy. When he was alive, he was the best father ever.
91. My father worked two jobs and had a sick wife and 2 daughters. But each of us *always * felt we were the most important in the world to him.
92. And everyone outside the immediate family felt wonderful around him too.
93. What a gift.
94. And I’m grateful for the little bit of that I inherited from him. Not as much, but some.
95. And for his laugh.
96. And his jokes, the punchlines of which he told over and over.
97. And his laugh.
98. And his crinkly smile.
99. And his work ethic.
100. And his love for family.
101. Thank you God, my Father, for my Daddy.
1. That Dr. Phil was great yesterday. (Wish J. had seen it but at least it was great).
2. That M. called last night (even though I was so tired and it sort of woke me).
3. That I *feel like * eating well today.
4. That my back isn’t hurting this morning like yesterday.
5. In today’s For Today: “Do not consider painful what is good for you.” Euripides
6. And “Today I know that pain puts me in touch with what I need – something from which I have cut myself off in blind obedience to habit.”
7. And “What pain tells me today is that I have to change.”
8. This is huge. In today’s In This Moment it says: “In This Moment, I am a recovering codependent. I clearly see how I learned to be codependent in my childhood. I was shamed, neglected, invalidated, and forced to take on responsibilities too heavy for my age. Sometimes, people praised and complimented me for my codependent behavior! They couldn’t see that my ‘unselfish’ behavior was damaging.”
9. And “Now, I am learning healthy new behaviors, communication skills, and ways to respond.”
10. And it says that, “I practice my skills by interacting with other recovering codependents. I get support and encouragement from the Fellowship.”
11. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “My diseased mind tries to tell me that by compulsively eating certain foods, I can make a situation better.”
12. And “I now know this is not true.”
13. And that “My mind will never operate the way a normal eater’s does. I accept the fact that I will always have this disease.”
14. And “…now I no longer have to feel isolated, different, or ashamed.”
15. “Today I can rest easy in the fact that I am not alone.”
16. I do not feel the time pressure coming for the next two months that I have felt lately. Yay. Scared of the empties but relieved about the time pressure. And can look at the gratitude list before this one for reminders of great ideas of how to fill time with good things this summer.
17.In today’s Language of Letting Go: “One night, I saw tings clearyly. I realized that my attempts to control him would never solve the problem. I also saw that my life was unmanageable. I couldn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to do. His alcoholism was controlling me, even though I wasn’t drinking.”
18.“I set him free, to do as he chose. The truth is, he did as he pleased anyway. Things changed the night I detached. He could feel it, and so could I.”
19.“When I set him free, I set myself free to live my own life.”
20.And it says this, which is scary for me, but that’s all the more reason I need it: “I’ve had to practice the principle of detachment many times since then. I’ve had to detach from uneahlthy people and healthy people. It’s never failed. Detachment works.”
21.And: “Detachment is a gift. I t will be given to us when we’re ready for it. When we set the other person free, we are set free.”
22.And “Today, wherever possible, I will detach in love.” Wow. Thank you, God, for all *those * thoughts. And for getting me ready, these months. I thank you, I honor you, I love you.”
23. I can have *half * a cup of coffee starting tomorrow, or less strong, if I want, I think. And it won’t make me so jittery as I drink it (like today’s is).
24. I just lost all my peace, from one little e-mail from J. It wasn’t nasty. It was just cold. Like “I’d like to bring [dog] by at 2 today. Does that work for you. J.” That hurts my stomach. Literally. I was feeling so much better before reading that. And I shouldn’t have answered right away. I’d rather not have mentioned about being wiped and allergic from the classroom dust. But it was my immediate reaction. Damn. Damn damn damn. But then I opened Recovery Meditations from yesterday and it said: “Recovery Meditations One Day at a Time
Miracles are instantaneous, they cannot be summoned but come of themselves, usually at unlikely moments and to those who least expect them” Katherine Ann Porter (I hope so! : )
25. And it goes on to say…”Being able to maintain my weight, rather than losing and gaining weight every few months, is a miracle. Most importantly, my transformed relationships with my children and other loved ones are miracles.”
26. And this, which I love: “ONE DAY AT A TIME . . . I will open my mind to the possibility of miracles occurring in my life…and they will come.”
27. Today’s Daily OM: “We can alleviate physical manifestations of anxiety by doing what brings us comfort. We store tension in our bodies unconsciously. When we become aware of when we are oing this, we can then take conscious action to release that tension. Every small action we take with an eye toward relieving accumulated pressure gently wicks tension away from our bodies. We feel results and relief instantly, becoming more relaxed and comfortable with each action we take.”
28. And they give *some * suggestions like: “Go for some restorative bodywork; soak in a hot bath sprinkled with calming essential oils; do some deep, slow stretches, focusing attention on the uncomfortable areas of your body; ask a friend or a loved one to give you a long hug; discuss what is on your mind with someone close to you.”
29. Sp: “Abe Lincoln says You can be as happy today as you make up your mind to be.”
30. That I finished everything for the school year.
31. And felt good about myself.
32. And did it all without J’s help.
33. And M. said I didn’t have to take her doggie and that does relieve me.
34. That I left early enough.
35. And cried and cried and cried in car and at home –but took pill and eventually stopped.
36. And M. called, which was nice.
37. And I’m grateful that I will try to be positive.
38. And Ma just called too.
39. And maybe we’ll go together Mon night
40. And R’s mom went on and on about what a great year I gave R.
41. AND that the big deal is I gave Ja a great year too, and gave them both a totally different second grade experience. Because I don’t teach “the class” I teach the individual. I was very grateful to be acknowledged that way.
42. And Tr confirmed it too.
43. And I know it is a big strength of mine.
44. And I’ll watch Two and a Half men tonight.
45. And I’ll practice tomorrow.
46. And I’m grateful that I am breathing and can sleep tonight.
47. And decided not to take Ph for a couple of days
48. And realized that J. may not be mad at me – may just be trying to grow.
49. Or – ma be mad at me but it’s not mine.
50. Or, even the part that is mine, God forbid, I ould only do the best I could do with what I knew at that time. Now I can do better. And that’s all I can do.
51. And that I just, instead of crying for 4 – 4 ½ hours, did research for my summer work with M., and got us that much ahead!
52. And that’s a gift to her too.
53. And that the kids had a good last hour, I think.
54. And I got *really * nice gifts.
55. And cards.
56. And a beautiful loving letter from a child. An amazing one. About how I’ve touched her heart…
57. And others too.
58. And a poster from my sweetie, little R.
59. And that I went to the principal about that child saying his mother hits him.
60. And that even though she kept telling me to hurry and then said, “You’re dumping this on me. With 20 minutes to go.” I didn’t give up. Because hey, there’s nothing we can do about it that he just told me. And I felt intimidated but he was infinitely more important than my feelings with her.
61. And I believe we did the right thing. The moral thing. The ethical thing. And the legal thing.
62. And I’m glad I was one of the people who helped convince that person who knows the heroin addict single mother, that she had to call the child protective people and get that child removed from that dangerous situation.
63. And she did call! Yay.
64. And I’m thankful for Peter Falk, who died today. But oh how I loved Columbo. I had many nice hours with it. Alone, with my father, with my mother, with both I think, and with J on vacations. Thank you for your work, Mr. Falk.
65. And for prayers.
66. And for C’s prayers for me.
67. This, in an msn.com article today: "The social withdrawal that comes with depression can help you change something in your life that's broken—and once you've gone through it, you can be stronger and more resilient because of the experience."
68. And “When several psychologists recently asked nearly 2,400 people about their history of adverse experiences—everything from whether they'd been through a divorce or natural disaster to if they'd ever lost a loved one—they found that those who had faced some misfortune were actually more well adjusted than those who'd had no bumps in the road at all.”
69. And this: Lara Honos-Webb, PhD, a clinical psychologist in San Francisco, actually encourages her patients to dwell on their problems. "Depression is meant to stop you in your tracks because, like physical pain, it's a signal that there's something wrong and you need to fix it," says Dr. Honos-Webb, who wrote Listening to Depression: How Understanding Your Pain Can Heal Your Life.
70. And "The social withdrawal that comes with depression can help you change something in your life that's broken—and once you've gone through it, you can be stronger and more resilient because of the experience."
71. And bumper stickers listed in another article on msn.com today. Like: "Just when you think life's a bitch, it has puppies"
72. And the article’s author, saying: “Happiness may be all around you. You simply have to slow down and notice it.”
73. And How to tell if you're in need of some guidance? You might want to consult a friend (preferably a nonjudgmental one) who appreciates your way of thinking but who can also remind you that, although your new ambition to be a trapeze artist might make you happy, it could delay your long-held plan of getting pregnant.
74. And "It also helps to jot down answers to questions like 'When did I enjoy myself today?' and 'What did I learn?'" Bolles says. What's crucial is tuning in to your feelings, then paying attention to them as you find your way to your passion.
75. And "People who have religious beliefs and partake in spiritual activities regularly report greater feelings of happiness and feel a deeper sense of meaning and purpose in life, possibly because they're better equipped to deal with stress," says Harold G. Koenig, M.D., director of the Center for Spirituality, Theology and Health at Duke University.
76. And that I can read. It has helped me since KINDERGARTEN when I learned!
77. And: "Technically, nobody needs anybody—no adult is going to die without another human being," says Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage.
78. And "But on a broader level, everybody needs everybody. Having the attitude that you don't need anyone isn't independent; it's antidependent. It isn't healthy, nor is it conducive to being in a loving relationship."
79. And "There's a big difference between saying 'I'd love a hug' and 'I will fall apart without a hug,'"
80. And "Sometimes, it seems to me as if the only women who aren't wrapped up in the whole self-improvement thing are those who've had a serious illness," she says. "After coping with something like cancer, you tend to think, Well, I'm alive and I'm happy. But you shouldn't have to get sick to learn to appreciate what you have."
81. And this is good: Hear, hear! Instead of focusing on an "imperfect" part, Domar suggests, ask yourself, What beauty do I see today? Maybe it's a great haircut or glowing skin. Don't stop looking until you find something kind to say about yourself. "If you keep at it," Domar says, "the exercise can really change your perspective."
82. And in yet another of the articles, it says for depression: Routines that promote exercise, nutrition, and a healthy amount of sleep are helpful.
83. And Document and praise small, daily achievements—even something as simple as getting out of bed.
84. That the Roseanne show’s been on today. And ones that are okay for me. I don’t care that J thinks it’s a waste of time. I needed it on this last day of school this year.
85. Okay, I can’t believe I’m saying this. But it wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t. I broke my veganism. Once. Today. After 4 years. And I’m grateful that I did. Because although I take it very seriously and always will, I need to know that I am free. And the truth is, those bites didn’t kill anyone. I think in the long-run of my life and the good I can do, this was the right decision.
86. That someone left a nice note about “piano and hope” which were all I said I felt I had for rewards right now, sounding pretty good.
87. That some people still read my blog.
88. And at least one gets something good for her out of it.
89. For that woman who almost 3 years ago gave me the idea about 100 gratitudes a day.
90. For my daddy. When he was alive, he was the best father ever.
91. My father worked two jobs and had a sick wife and 2 daughters. But each of us *always * felt we were the most important in the world to him.
92. And everyone outside the immediate family felt wonderful around him too.
93. What a gift.
94. And I’m grateful for the little bit of that I inherited from him. Not as much, but some.
95. And for his laugh.
96. And his jokes, the punchlines of which he told over and over.
97. And his laugh.
98. And his crinkly smile.
99. And his work ethic.
100. And his love for family.
101. Thank you God, my Father, for my Daddy.
Affirmation Today
God made me.
I have a life.
I can live it.
I can do it.
God made me.
I have a life.
I can live it.
I can do it.
God made me.
I have a life.
I can live it.
I can do it.
God made me.
I have a life.
I can live it.
I can do it.
I have a life.
I can live it.
I can do it.
God made me.
I have a life.
I can live it.
I can do it.
God made me.
I have a life.
I can live it.
I can do it.
God made me.
I have a life.
I can live it.
I can do it.
Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today
I am grateful:
1. I’m grateful that I woke up. I don’t know why, but I am.
2. I’m grateful that God has performed miracles. Because I need one now.
3. I’m grateful that I accomplished all that I did yesterday in the doing of the classroom.
4. And that I felt good about it.
5. And that on the way home, I felt okay even if we divorce. It was only for a moment. But it was strong.
6. And the strong is good for me.
7. AND good for my chances with him. And I’m grateful for both.
8. Today’s For Today: “A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labors of a spasmodic Hercules.” Anthony Trollope And I know this is true.
9. “What’s the secret of digging a garden, writing a novel, taking a fourth-step inventory or abstaining from compulsive overeating OA gave me the answer: attend to the business at hand each day, one day at a time.”
10. “I used to think the only way to tackle major projects was in geat bursts of concentrated effort. Like a child with a short attention span, I would tier myself out with the intensity of sporadic effort and then go on to something else.”
11. “…But there is one lesson I have learned well: The only time I have to abstain and practice the program of recovery is today.”
12. “For today: It is this day’s abstinence that guarantees me continued sanity and freedom – nothing else.”
13. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “I read Step Seven many times but missed this part: my shortcomings will be transformed into assets.”
14. “I had often heard that my character defects were good instincts gone awry, but it never quite registered.”
15. “If they started out as assets, then why wouldn’t God want to convert them back?”
16. “Knowing that I could become the person I pretended to be filled me with peace.”
17. And “I no longer have to try to be ‘good.’ God does it for me.”
18. “When working with sponsorees on Step Seven, I ask them to list their glaring character defects. Then together, we list the assets into which God will transform them.”
19. The relief I’m feeling right now. That if I lose the weight and am practicing piano… … … maybe J. and I can go away together and have fun and even sex. No strings attached, really.
20. How quickly I respond to hopeful things, like that Voices of Recovery reading.
21. Today’s Language of Letting go: “Messages of perfectionism [try harder do better be perfect] are tricks because we an never achieve their goal.”
22. “We will never be good enough until we change the messages and tell ourselves we are good enough now.”
23. “We can start approving of and accepting ourselves. Who we are is good enough. Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.”
24. “We can be who we are, and do it the way we do it – today. That is the essence of avoiding perfection.”
25. “God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies I will give myself permission to be who I am and let that be good enough.”
26. That I practiced piano a few minutes this morning.
27. And immediately reset the timer and went right into meditation for a few minutes. I’ve been avoiding that and am *so * glad I did it.
28. Today’s Daily OM: “So often, emotions that we long to express get stored in our bodies instead. The space where this most often happens is in our bellies.” This happens to me. I thought it was just a compulsive-overeater thing, when my CoDA sponsor said she gets the feeling in her chest like heart area while I get it in my stomach. I’m glad to read this.
29. And it says: Stuffing our feelings in our bellies may feel like the “safe” response, since we then don’t really have to deal with our emotions. Yet, doing so can actually be detrimental to our emotional well-being and physical health.
30. And it says to do this: One way to connect with and release your emotions is to do a focused exercise with your stomach area. Take a moment to center yourself with some deep breathing and quiet meditation, relaxing your body fully and turning off the chatter in your brain. With your right hand on your stomach, tell yourself three times: “Please reveal to me my true emotions.” Listen for the answers. Repeat the exercise as many times as you would like, allowing yourself to drop deeper into your body each time. Notice any physical response in the stomach area, whether you have a warm, relaxed feeling in the middle of your body or if you feel tight knots in response to any emotions that do come up. You may even want to write down any answers that come to you. Remember that the body doesn’t lie.
31. And this: Releasing our pent up feelings from our bellies can prevent disease and allow us to live more authentic and expressive lives. Sometimes, if too much emotional energy builds up inside of us, a blowout can result that can cause discomfort. You can help to alleviate this compression by doing the same exercise and adding sound to your emotional release. The more guttural the sounds released through your mouth, the more emotions you are likely letting go. Releasing your emotions from your belly doesn’t have to be painful and hard; rather, it can be organic and effortless. It’s important not to judge whatever comes up for you. We tend to stuff our feelings in our bellies when we are ashamed of them or not ready to express them. There is nothing wrong with having feelings, whatever they may be. You can’t help your feelings; if anything, you can help yourself by acknowledging the truth of your emotions so you can set yourself free.
32. Becoming aware of what we’re doing is part of the recovery: Sp. this morning.
33. I’m actually grateful that I’m allergic to having flowers in the house. Because now I won’t have to pay for them : )
34. That I had time for a quick nutritious breakfast just now.
35. I’ll have to get money and lunch at lunchtime. But I’m grateful that I can do that.
36. I am grateful that I finished my classroom today. Okay, there are some odds and ends leftover, but it’s just about totally finished.
37. And I did it alone. I’m sorry I had to, bt grateful that I could.
38. And that L. will take care of the fridge this summer.
39. And that my dr. and I figured out what was going wrong with the sink.
40. And that there is a CoDA meeting.
41. And K said people have been coming. Yay.
42. And that I *may * just decide to type my books.
43. That I invited D to go out to lunch
44. And that she said yes.
45.That the day before yesterday I had a *moment * when I thought maybe I’d do well with a divorce.
46.And yesterday (this being morning now) I remembered how many times I’d been jealous of others *while J. was here * So things weren’t perfect were they
47.And that last night I actually felt like, Good. I don’t have his crazies around here right now. I can’t believe I had those three thoughts within two days. It’s like after all these months, I’m beginning to heal.
45. That although I had 2 *really * bad dreams, and one was (or seemed) veeeery long, I woke up; they were only dreams.
46. And that this morning my list of feelings (for my am CoDA work) is not so overwhelmingly negative that it doesn’t fit on the little magnetic board! In fact, for the second time since I started (about a month ago) I have more positives than negatives.
47. That today is the last day of school and I’m actually looking forward to summer, not dreading it as I have been.
48. I am going to be the best teacher *ever * next year. If for no other reasons than that I already am so good (not being conceited, just have a strong conscience and it makes me work for those kids) and that if I’m going crazy during summer, I will do extra work! : )
49.That I can actually be excited about vacation even without J. I didn’t think I could.
50.That I have 10 girlfriends and 2 potentials and 1 possible potential. If I just think of the 10: if I can call each or have each call me or make *some * kind of plans – tea, bookstore, errands, dinner here, movie, phone call chitty chat, anything – every 2 weeks each even, that’s 10 things every 14 days! I won’t be so alone after all.
51.Even every month, that would mean every 3rd day I have a phone call or visit or outing to look forward to. And I don’t think that would be a burden on anyone.
52.Plus my doggie
53.Plus my spiritual stuff
54.Plus my religious stuff
55.Plus my piano lessons (one a month is what I can afford now)
56.Plus my meetings
57.Plus my retreat
58.Plus my 2 work days that I asked for and am looking forward to and will get paid for
59.And that doesn’t even count my ability to walk on the sidewalks
60.Walk in the parks
61.Walk at beaches
62.Walk in aquaducts
63.Walk in (safe) woods
64.Swim
65.Read outside at parks (with doggie, of course!)
66.Go to the gym (cheap, clean, and nearby)
67.Sit in my own sunroom (house is under 1000 square feet but I call it sunroom because it gets a lot of sun) and enjoy
68.Do jigsaw puzzles
69.Knit, crochet, embroider
70.Paint
71.Do anything else from my hobby cabinet, including color
72.Cook – experiment – Indian food etc.
73.Go to movies alone
74.Window shop, which I ‘ve always loved
75.Go to museums
76.Just take a beautiful train ride north and back if I want.
77.Go to view the mansions, by myself.
78.Travel someplace – alone – if I want!
79.Concerts (lots of free ones in the summer, I think)
80.Have a party if I feel like it
81. That maybe in the future, I will choose who I want to be with, not who wants to be with me. And if I want to be with someone, they will have to like me AS I AM or I will move on and find someone else I want to be with. This goes for friends, lovers, everyone.
82. That by watching that silly Sex and the City S. gave me, a show with values I don’t exactly believe in, I *am * liking seeing the “girls” looking so good and wearing so many dressed and skirts, and that is getting me back in touch with my femininity.
83. That other than the couple of days when they’re cleaning it, my classroom is there. I can go in and type books, or clean cabinets, go through every single paper, make copies, do whatever I want! Any and every day I want! Or not at all! What freedom!
84. That I get up on time every day.
85. That I got the garbage out today: )
86. That I am hearing birds all over the place and I love love love the sound.
87. That I am free for 2 months!
88. That I will have a happy happy hour with my kiddies. They will do the very fun things I have planned and they will be happy.
89. That I did a good job on the report cards.
90. That it feels good that I did the classroom alone.
91. And that that helps *me * know how J. feels good getting his stuff done alone.
92. That my attraction to B. and to JandM was more about their dependency on each other (and families) characteristics, and I don’t want to be that way now.
93. That my sick chest thing is getting better
94. I have good whole food in the house
95. And I can rest for the whole weekend if I want, and that dog I was going to baby-sit isn’t even coming. And also this weekend:
96. I can take my doggie or wait a few days.
97. And maybe see a friend or more than one.
98. And go the they churchy thing with Mar.
99. And meeting(s) if I want
100. And take my mother shopping and to the back, God bless her.
(It’s really 103 but there’s a numbering problem above, and I don’t have time to fix it).
1. I’m grateful that I woke up. I don’t know why, but I am.
2. I’m grateful that God has performed miracles. Because I need one now.
3. I’m grateful that I accomplished all that I did yesterday in the doing of the classroom.
4. And that I felt good about it.
5. And that on the way home, I felt okay even if we divorce. It was only for a moment. But it was strong.
6. And the strong is good for me.
7. AND good for my chances with him. And I’m grateful for both.
8. Today’s For Today: “A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labors of a spasmodic Hercules.” Anthony Trollope And I know this is true.
9. “What’s the secret of digging a garden, writing a novel, taking a fourth-step inventory or abstaining from compulsive overeating OA gave me the answer: attend to the business at hand each day, one day at a time.”
10. “I used to think the only way to tackle major projects was in geat bursts of concentrated effort. Like a child with a short attention span, I would tier myself out with the intensity of sporadic effort and then go on to something else.”
11. “…But there is one lesson I have learned well: The only time I have to abstain and practice the program of recovery is today.”
12. “For today: It is this day’s abstinence that guarantees me continued sanity and freedom – nothing else.”
13. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “I read Step Seven many times but missed this part: my shortcomings will be transformed into assets.”
14. “I had often heard that my character defects were good instincts gone awry, but it never quite registered.”
15. “If they started out as assets, then why wouldn’t God want to convert them back?”
16. “Knowing that I could become the person I pretended to be filled me with peace.”
17. And “I no longer have to try to be ‘good.’ God does it for me.”
18. “When working with sponsorees on Step Seven, I ask them to list their glaring character defects. Then together, we list the assets into which God will transform them.”
19. The relief I’m feeling right now. That if I lose the weight and am practicing piano… … … maybe J. and I can go away together and have fun and even sex. No strings attached, really.
20. How quickly I respond to hopeful things, like that Voices of Recovery reading.
21. Today’s Language of Letting go: “Messages of perfectionism [try harder do better be perfect] are tricks because we an never achieve their goal.”
22. “We will never be good enough until we change the messages and tell ourselves we are good enough now.”
23. “We can start approving of and accepting ourselves. Who we are is good enough. Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.”
24. “We can be who we are, and do it the way we do it – today. That is the essence of avoiding perfection.”
25. “God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies I will give myself permission to be who I am and let that be good enough.”
26. That I practiced piano a few minutes this morning.
27. And immediately reset the timer and went right into meditation for a few minutes. I’ve been avoiding that and am *so * glad I did it.
28. Today’s Daily OM: “So often, emotions that we long to express get stored in our bodies instead. The space where this most often happens is in our bellies.” This happens to me. I thought it was just a compulsive-overeater thing, when my CoDA sponsor said she gets the feeling in her chest like heart area while I get it in my stomach. I’m glad to read this.
29. And it says: Stuffing our feelings in our bellies may feel like the “safe” response, since we then don’t really have to deal with our emotions. Yet, doing so can actually be detrimental to our emotional well-being and physical health.
30. And it says to do this: One way to connect with and release your emotions is to do a focused exercise with your stomach area. Take a moment to center yourself with some deep breathing and quiet meditation, relaxing your body fully and turning off the chatter in your brain. With your right hand on your stomach, tell yourself three times: “Please reveal to me my true emotions.” Listen for the answers. Repeat the exercise as many times as you would like, allowing yourself to drop deeper into your body each time. Notice any physical response in the stomach area, whether you have a warm, relaxed feeling in the middle of your body or if you feel tight knots in response to any emotions that do come up. You may even want to write down any answers that come to you. Remember that the body doesn’t lie.
31. And this: Releasing our pent up feelings from our bellies can prevent disease and allow us to live more authentic and expressive lives. Sometimes, if too much emotional energy builds up inside of us, a blowout can result that can cause discomfort. You can help to alleviate this compression by doing the same exercise and adding sound to your emotional release. The more guttural the sounds released through your mouth, the more emotions you are likely letting go. Releasing your emotions from your belly doesn’t have to be painful and hard; rather, it can be organic and effortless. It’s important not to judge whatever comes up for you. We tend to stuff our feelings in our bellies when we are ashamed of them or not ready to express them. There is nothing wrong with having feelings, whatever they may be. You can’t help your feelings; if anything, you can help yourself by acknowledging the truth of your emotions so you can set yourself free.
32. Becoming aware of what we’re doing is part of the recovery: Sp. this morning.
33. I’m actually grateful that I’m allergic to having flowers in the house. Because now I won’t have to pay for them : )
34. That I had time for a quick nutritious breakfast just now.
35. I’ll have to get money and lunch at lunchtime. But I’m grateful that I can do that.
36. I am grateful that I finished my classroom today. Okay, there are some odds and ends leftover, but it’s just about totally finished.
37. And I did it alone. I’m sorry I had to, bt grateful that I could.
38. And that L. will take care of the fridge this summer.
39. And that my dr. and I figured out what was going wrong with the sink.
40. And that there is a CoDA meeting.
41. And K said people have been coming. Yay.
42. And that I *may * just decide to type my books.
43. That I invited D to go out to lunch
44. And that she said yes.
45.That the day before yesterday I had a *moment * when I thought maybe I’d do well with a divorce.
46.And yesterday (this being morning now) I remembered how many times I’d been jealous of others *while J. was here * So things weren’t perfect were they
47.And that last night I actually felt like, Good. I don’t have his crazies around here right now. I can’t believe I had those three thoughts within two days. It’s like after all these months, I’m beginning to heal.
45. That although I had 2 *really * bad dreams, and one was (or seemed) veeeery long, I woke up; they were only dreams.
46. And that this morning my list of feelings (for my am CoDA work) is not so overwhelmingly negative that it doesn’t fit on the little magnetic board! In fact, for the second time since I started (about a month ago) I have more positives than negatives.
47. That today is the last day of school and I’m actually looking forward to summer, not dreading it as I have been.
48. I am going to be the best teacher *ever * next year. If for no other reasons than that I already am so good (not being conceited, just have a strong conscience and it makes me work for those kids) and that if I’m going crazy during summer, I will do extra work! : )
49.That I can actually be excited about vacation even without J. I didn’t think I could.
50.That I have 10 girlfriends and 2 potentials and 1 possible potential. If I just think of the 10: if I can call each or have each call me or make *some * kind of plans – tea, bookstore, errands, dinner here, movie, phone call chitty chat, anything – every 2 weeks each even, that’s 10 things every 14 days! I won’t be so alone after all.
51.Even every month, that would mean every 3rd day I have a phone call or visit or outing to look forward to. And I don’t think that would be a burden on anyone.
52.Plus my doggie
53.Plus my spiritual stuff
54.Plus my religious stuff
55.Plus my piano lessons (one a month is what I can afford now)
56.Plus my meetings
57.Plus my retreat
58.Plus my 2 work days that I asked for and am looking forward to and will get paid for
59.And that doesn’t even count my ability to walk on the sidewalks
60.Walk in the parks
61.Walk at beaches
62.Walk in aquaducts
63.Walk in (safe) woods
64.Swim
65.Read outside at parks (with doggie, of course!)
66.Go to the gym (cheap, clean, and nearby)
67.Sit in my own sunroom (house is under 1000 square feet but I call it sunroom because it gets a lot of sun) and enjoy
68.Do jigsaw puzzles
69.Knit, crochet, embroider
70.Paint
71.Do anything else from my hobby cabinet, including color
72.Cook – experiment – Indian food etc.
73.Go to movies alone
74.Window shop, which I ‘ve always loved
75.Go to museums
76.Just take a beautiful train ride north and back if I want.
77.Go to view the mansions, by myself.
78.Travel someplace – alone – if I want!
79.Concerts (lots of free ones in the summer, I think)
80.Have a party if I feel like it
81. That maybe in the future, I will choose who I want to be with, not who wants to be with me. And if I want to be with someone, they will have to like me AS I AM or I will move on and find someone else I want to be with. This goes for friends, lovers, everyone.
82. That by watching that silly Sex and the City S. gave me, a show with values I don’t exactly believe in, I *am * liking seeing the “girls” looking so good and wearing so many dressed and skirts, and that is getting me back in touch with my femininity.
83. That other than the couple of days when they’re cleaning it, my classroom is there. I can go in and type books, or clean cabinets, go through every single paper, make copies, do whatever I want! Any and every day I want! Or not at all! What freedom!
84. That I get up on time every day.
85. That I got the garbage out today: )
86. That I am hearing birds all over the place and I love love love the sound.
87. That I am free for 2 months!
88. That I will have a happy happy hour with my kiddies. They will do the very fun things I have planned and they will be happy.
89. That I did a good job on the report cards.
90. That it feels good that I did the classroom alone.
91. And that that helps *me * know how J. feels good getting his stuff done alone.
92. That my attraction to B. and to JandM was more about their dependency on each other (and families) characteristics, and I don’t want to be that way now.
93. That my sick chest thing is getting better
94. I have good whole food in the house
95. And I can rest for the whole weekend if I want, and that dog I was going to baby-sit isn’t even coming. And also this weekend:
96. I can take my doggie or wait a few days.
97. And maybe see a friend or more than one.
98. And go the they churchy thing with Mar.
99. And meeting(s) if I want
100. And take my mother shopping and to the back, God bless her.
(It’s really 103 but there’s a numbering problem above, and I don’t have time to fix it).
Thursday, June 23, 2011
My Daily Affirmations Today
God made all of us. He made me.
I am a good person.
I am a pretty person.
I am a helpful person.
I am a sexy person.
I am a desirable person.
I can give to others.
I am worthwhile.
I am fulfilled.
I am happy.
God made all of us. He made me.
I am a good person.
I am a helpful person.
I am a sexy person.
I am a desirable person.
I can give to others.
I am worthwhile.
I am fulfilled.
I am happy.
God made all of us. He made me.
I am a good person.
I am a helpful person.
I am a sexy person.
I am a desirable person.
I can give to others.
I am worthwhile.
I am fulfilled.
I am happy.
God made all of us. He made me.
I am a good person.
I am a helpful person.
I am a sexy person.
I am a desirable person.
I can give to others.
I am worthwhile.
I am fulfilled.
I am happy.
I am a good person.
I am a pretty person.
I am a helpful person.
I am a sexy person.
I am a desirable person.
I can give to others.
I am worthwhile.
I am fulfilled.
I am happy.
God made all of us. He made me.
I am a good person.
I am a helpful person.
I am a sexy person.
I am a desirable person.
I can give to others.
I am worthwhile.
I am fulfilled.
I am happy.
God made all of us. He made me.
I am a good person.
I am a helpful person.
I am a sexy person.
I am a desirable person.
I can give to others.
I am worthwhile.
I am fulfilled.
I am happy.
God made all of us. He made me.
I am a good person.
I am a helpful person.
I am a sexy person.
I am a desirable person.
I can give to others.
I am worthwhile.
I am fulfilled.
I am happy.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
My Today's One Hundred Gratitudes
I am grateful:
1. I am grateful that the trees are in full leaf. I missed them so much.
2. And that my psych has experience plumbing. Maybe he can figure out what the hell is wrong with my sink.
3. And that the goslings are so big and still fluffy now, and so close as I drive (but safe)
4. That I am not in traction, and have never been.
5. For this thought: What if I am determined, just determined, to be happy for today. Today.
6. And for this thought: The summer, which I am dreading – DREADING! – without J., COULD be seen as an opportunity to really go within and heal myself. NOT about how I FEEL each day, but about how I can do the right thing to get better.
7. And that should feel better too.
8. That T. said I could just go to Staples and buy the stupid pens, and give the receipt and they’d reimburse.
9. That I’ll be working Step 8 asap.
10. That I’m sipping hot tea.
11. That I don’t need food stamps.
12. That I’ve never been violently raped.
13. Or incested.
14. That Tr is not absent today! She’s invaluable to me!
15. And that she hugged me and thanked me profusely for the eval. I wrote for her
16. And that I meant it every word – in other words I’m grateful that she’s that good
17. That although I hate doing the classroom without J., I feel good about myself after I do it.
18. That I didn’t get caught in the downpour today.
19. That I saw that girl and made her stop, so the truck wouldn’t hit her. I think he would have seen her, but still…
20. That although I am usually so desperate about wanting my marriage healed, sometimes I am accepting of the situation. Like this morning I was despondent, but on the way home from work I felt fine. And now I’m just kind of depressed…
21. That I’m keeping my word to watch M’s dog this weekend, even though I wish I didn’t have to: (
22. That I gave Jodi the presents
23. And she was appreciative to be appreciated.
24. That my dr. came here.
25. And my mother sounded good.
26. And my doctor answered all my questions.
27. And I took notes. Good because I might not remember otherwise : )
28. That dr. helped me some.
29. That although about 23 hours and 59 minutes and 59 seconds a day I’m scared and miserable, on the way home today I wasn’t.
30. That I just did my CoDA PM work.
31. That I’m breathing. Yes, I’m really grateful for that.
32. And for access to fresh, clean water
33. And healthy food.
34. And new chances.
35. And a hair salon for coloring my grays.
36. And cutting my hair too.
37. And freedom of religion
38. And freedom of speech
39. And freedom to pick own job
40. And shoes that fit
41. And blankets
42. And sheets
43. And pillowcases
44. And drawers
45. And doors
46. And windows
47. And the especially beautiful windows in that room.
48. And that at least Ph still has *some * toys.
49. And that my dr. reminded me to not obsess over this stuff (decisions about J.) or I can drive myself crazy.
50. That the 3 of us walked across the street to the store today.
51. And still laughed.
52. Dr. Phil. Really. I like some of his sayings.
53. Like, “How’s that been workin for you?”
54. And “You teach people how to treat you.”
55. And “Man up.”
56. And “You don’t really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.”
57. I’m grateful for all empowering things.
58. L’s 48 year anniversary today. She’s a lovely wonderful woman and I’m so happy for them both.
59. That JJ sent me that e-mail today.
60. Ethical people. And there are many.
61. That that horrible man was caught.
62. That those lovely girls are getting help.
63. That Tr. seemed happy today.
64. Singing and songs.
65. That I finished my paper today.
66. And handed it in, with the paperwork for the course.
67. And I can get paid back for it now.
68. That I don’t have to take the poodle this weekend.
69. Which means I can go out.
70. And I can take Ph sooner! Yay. I miss her.
71. That I did do the Meditation thread yesterday
72. And people came on
73. And I did it again today
74. The laughter of children.
75. That even people who’ve been through very bad things, like my very dear friend, who is now an adult older than I who is a survivor of incest as a young and innocent girl, can get help and get past these events and have a good life. As my friend does, thank God. And others can too. Someone who knows who you are: I hope you’re reading this xo
76. Elephants
77. That we’ll do mealworms next year
78. And butterflies. We can’t do anything else but these will help children respect and understand life.
79. And the plants too.
80. Minnie Mouse.
81. Great philosophers.
82. Memory tricks.
83. And that I don’t have trouble with my memory.
84. My strong legs.
85. That I was – am – physically able to do the classroom.
86. Rocks. Little and big and millions of years old.
87. Especially the ones on my property.
88. And the one I saw the girl sitting on today. I never thought to sit there.
89. Colorful shoes. I don’t have any, but I like to look at them.
90. Pretty accents.
91. The French language. I just love it. Always have.
92. Orchestras
93. Bands
94. Dances and dancers
95. That I just found out there are free dance lessons at the church/school I can walk to from my house!
96. Ballets
97. Operas
98. Plays
99. Movies – wow – that’s a lot of entertainment!
100. Leisure time. It’s a luxury.
101. Hope.
102. Prayer
1. I am grateful that the trees are in full leaf. I missed them so much.
2. And that my psych has experience plumbing. Maybe he can figure out what the hell is wrong with my sink.
3. And that the goslings are so big and still fluffy now, and so close as I drive (but safe)
4. That I am not in traction, and have never been.
5. For this thought: What if I am determined, just determined, to be happy for today. Today.
6. And for this thought: The summer, which I am dreading – DREADING! – without J., COULD be seen as an opportunity to really go within and heal myself. NOT about how I FEEL each day, but about how I can do the right thing to get better.
7. And that should feel better too.
8. That T. said I could just go to Staples and buy the stupid pens, and give the receipt and they’d reimburse.
9. That I’ll be working Step 8 asap.
10. That I’m sipping hot tea.
11. That I don’t need food stamps.
12. That I’ve never been violently raped.
13. Or incested.
14. That Tr is not absent today! She’s invaluable to me!
15. And that she hugged me and thanked me profusely for the eval. I wrote for her
16. And that I meant it every word – in other words I’m grateful that she’s that good
17. That although I hate doing the classroom without J., I feel good about myself after I do it.
18. That I didn’t get caught in the downpour today.
19. That I saw that girl and made her stop, so the truck wouldn’t hit her. I think he would have seen her, but still…
20. That although I am usually so desperate about wanting my marriage healed, sometimes I am accepting of the situation. Like this morning I was despondent, but on the way home from work I felt fine. And now I’m just kind of depressed…
21. That I’m keeping my word to watch M’s dog this weekend, even though I wish I didn’t have to: (
22. That I gave Jodi the presents
23. And she was appreciative to be appreciated.
24. That my dr. came here.
25. And my mother sounded good.
26. And my doctor answered all my questions.
27. And I took notes. Good because I might not remember otherwise : )
28. That dr. helped me some.
29. That although about 23 hours and 59 minutes and 59 seconds a day I’m scared and miserable, on the way home today I wasn’t.
30. That I just did my CoDA PM work.
31. That I’m breathing. Yes, I’m really grateful for that.
32. And for access to fresh, clean water
33. And healthy food.
34. And new chances.
35. And a hair salon for coloring my grays.
36. And cutting my hair too.
37. And freedom of religion
38. And freedom of speech
39. And freedom to pick own job
40. And shoes that fit
41. And blankets
42. And sheets
43. And pillowcases
44. And drawers
45. And doors
46. And windows
47. And the especially beautiful windows in that room.
48. And that at least Ph still has *some * toys.
49. And that my dr. reminded me to not obsess over this stuff (decisions about J.) or I can drive myself crazy.
50. That the 3 of us walked across the street to the store today.
51. And still laughed.
52. Dr. Phil. Really. I like some of his sayings.
53. Like, “How’s that been workin for you?”
54. And “You teach people how to treat you.”
55. And “Man up.”
56. And “You don’t really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.”
57. I’m grateful for all empowering things.
58. L’s 48 year anniversary today. She’s a lovely wonderful woman and I’m so happy for them both.
59. That JJ sent me that e-mail today.
60. Ethical people. And there are many.
61. That that horrible man was caught.
62. That those lovely girls are getting help.
63. That Tr. seemed happy today.
64. Singing and songs.
65. That I finished my paper today.
66. And handed it in, with the paperwork for the course.
67. And I can get paid back for it now.
68. That I don’t have to take the poodle this weekend.
69. Which means I can go out.
70. And I can take Ph sooner! Yay. I miss her.
71. That I did do the Meditation thread yesterday
72. And people came on
73. And I did it again today
74. The laughter of children.
75. That even people who’ve been through very bad things, like my very dear friend, who is now an adult older than I who is a survivor of incest as a young and innocent girl, can get help and get past these events and have a good life. As my friend does, thank God. And others can too. Someone who knows who you are: I hope you’re reading this xo
76. Elephants
77. That we’ll do mealworms next year
78. And butterflies. We can’t do anything else but these will help children respect and understand life.
79. And the plants too.
80. Minnie Mouse.
81. Great philosophers.
82. Memory tricks.
83. And that I don’t have trouble with my memory.
84. My strong legs.
85. That I was – am – physically able to do the classroom.
86. Rocks. Little and big and millions of years old.
87. Especially the ones on my property.
88. And the one I saw the girl sitting on today. I never thought to sit there.
89. Colorful shoes. I don’t have any, but I like to look at them.
90. Pretty accents.
91. The French language. I just love it. Always have.
92. Orchestras
93. Bands
94. Dances and dancers
95. That I just found out there are free dance lessons at the church/school I can walk to from my house!
96. Ballets
97. Operas
98. Plays
99. Movies – wow – that’s a lot of entertainment!
100. Leisure time. It’s a luxury.
101. Hope.
102. Prayer
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