A Warrior of Light knows that certain moments repeat themselves. He often finds himself faced by the same problems and situations, and seeing these difficult situations return, he grows depressed,thinking that he is incapable of making any progress in life.

'I've been through all this before,' he says to his heart.

'Yes, you have been through all this before,' replies his heart. 'But you have never been beyond it.

'Then the warrior realizes that these repeated experiences have but one aim: to teach him what he does not want to learn.

~ Paulo Coelho

Art © Albena Vatcheva

Rivers in the Ocean

Journal - Classroom

This was  the hardest year I've ever had in setting up a classroom. No help. Lots of physical work. Very hot and humid in there. Took me 5 days. I wasn't sure if I could even finish, or if I'd have to shove some stuff in boxes and take it home temporarily.

As it is, there is one closet that needs doing.
But it is a closet.
It has a door lol!

I
did
it.

I have a pretty,
functional,
colorful,
exciting
ready
classroom
for a new set of innocents coming in.

And I did it by myself.

Did it last couple of years too, but wasn't nearly as much work!
I did this.
Did it without J's great help - and it really always was great help.
I didn't want to.
Wasn't sure how or that I could.
And it was not pleasant doing.
But wound up empowering.
Yay.

Don't allow negativity in! Keep yourself as positive as you can. Do not take on anyone else's issues, negative words, behavior or actions. Let them keep all of that and watch as their ship starts to sink while you stay afloat! Share this with family and friends to remind them of the same. John Edward


It’s another beautiful day on the Mother Earth. Do not forget that life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.
Rivers in the Ocean — with Denise Macfarlane and Kalyani Vyas.

A Bad Thing That Was Very Very Good

Long story short - and missing parts which BELIEVE ME are NOT necessary:

Bad thing yesterday
THREE friends helped.
Bless them!

One was M.A. my very close (female) friend since 1989.
She said to come there.
I went, ready to stay over if need be.
It was hard to even get to do it - but I promise, that doesn't matter.
Spent some hours there with my dear friend.
She is always there for me, and I for her. (Plus we have a heck of a great time laughing and enjoying life together too!:)

So today, I was okish - a little funk - nothing extreme.
But 3 friends called and one texted (just to chat) and I am mobile - it's not like I'm bedridden or something, so I didn't really feel alone. THANK GOD.

So
LAST NIGHT
*I* had texted W.
*I* initiated.
He is the guy I met through a dating site - met him once - MY terms - in public, at table, with reservation, separate cars...
Nice looking, an engineer, intelligent enough I guess, a little sense of humor, but very - um - dull? I couldn't tell if he was shy, slow, what.

He asked me out for the following Fri and I said yes. He'd said what want to and I'd suggested movie and coffee after (figuring at least we'd have something to talk about, as he - um - doesn't, but it was worth another meeting if just very shy).
He cancelled because had to go away to cousins' at shore or something. It was fine with me. So we moved it back a week.
THAT time he planned this expensive restaurant and a walk along the river.
Nice.
But I had ASKED for a MOVIE!
And - frankly - I didn't know that I really WANTED to walk along the river with him. I wasn't 100% of who he is yet. Plus - a walk AND dinner - is a VERY lot of time to be with someone who almost never talks!
Well - he cancelled saying he had a bad cold and hoped this wasn't "2 strikes against him." I told him relax, take care, get better, no problem.
Two weeks had gone by and *I* texted last night - cute - light - open
And we wound up in a long nice chat with him opening up to me that he is very shy etc. And very attracted to me that I am bubbly and he will stay a gentleman but really likes my body... he was appropriate and funny and nice.
A big strange though. As said was "intimidated" because I have large breasts and curvy legs. I said, Do you MEAN the word "intimidated?" Miriam Webster: intidmidate: to make timid or fearful: frighten; especially: to compel or deter by or as if by threats.
He went on sharing and we went back and fotth
At end he said, "I'm glad we talked. I feel less intimidated now."
(???)

And he asked if I'd like to go to that movie tonight. I really felt too bad about myself, so I told HIM that I had too much to do but next weekend I could.
Anyway, today he texted and said, I'm sure you have plans but if not, I'm sitting around watching football Jets Giants and would love you to join me and hang out. I'd order food according to what you can eat...
I was busy - it was getting late -
He said, you are welcome to stay over. In my bedroom. I would sleep on the couch.

*He had told me he lives in a house, the landlord downstairs and he upstairs.
I thought at his age and after working for so long, maybe he "should" have more, but hey, who really needs more than a one-bedroom apartment...

I went!
He gave me NO DIRECTIONS. Even though I asked.
FINALLY I said, look I'll just mapquest it. He said good, and call if need - I'll be your guide.
I did NOT like that he didn't even give me the fucking directions, but I thought (knowing nothing of football) maybe very exciting game and he knows I'm a big girl and got the place where we met that time which is only blocks from his house....

But I forgot how to get there.
Mapquested.
In car realized it was gonna send me to other side of the town!
Called him.
NO ANSWER!
Pulled over and texted also. No answer either.
WHILE later he called me back.
Told him.
He said yes.
I said I have seconds to decide. Should I get on --- parkway instead?
He said yes.
I did.
I said what exit.
He named the town! I said yes, but there are like 3 -4 exits in that town. Which one? He said the one that goes to the --- building. I said number of exit? He said, Oh. Um. Don't know."
He's at home! I'm on the parkway! Look it up!
Nope.

So
He assumes I'll "find the right exit" and FROM THERE tells me --- street make a right and it's right there.
Um.
I did that.
"It" was two blocks up.
THEN a left.
THEN over a block more.
AND no street lights.
No numbers visible on houses...

I managed (after stopping two people)
but my headlight was out! And I couldn't see well now. And there was a driveway before and after the house, both touching the grass.
So I called.
Said I am in front of your house. My headlight has gone out and it is hard to see. You had said park in driveway. Is it the driveway before or after your house (HE had told me the house was on my right). He sounded confused, and said, "Um. Well. If you're looking at the front door, the front door of the house, it would be on your right."
(Duh - that's before).
Okay.
ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE HOUSE WERE OFF. This freaked me a little.
No car in driveway. Landlord away? Am I to be alone with this virtual stranger? Started picturing abductions... chains... thought - walk to door see how feel
door was open
he met me
VERY AWKWARDLY little kiss hello - like last time - like a 12 year old kiss-virgin
stairway was right in front and i thought, ugh - a 56 year old man who's been working for over 30 years lives where he has to walk through the actual room(s) of the landlord to get to HIS apartment upstairs??????
i said, lead the way:)
he said, looking really dumb - "right here." And there - right 2 feet on our left standing at front door, was a very small l.r. with an ancient icky sofa and ancient tv (I have ONE tv and it is 25 years old and it looks magnificent compared to this). and like a small straw rug and maybe one dilapidated table.
and he said, "the landlord is away at ---"

So i tried to stay open. and i said, i know i'm late, and i apologize, but if you don't mind i'd like to take 5 minutes and put my bag down in the b.r. and stop in the bathroom?
and he said, like i was insane(!). well - the bathroom's right there and just pointed - somewhere.
and i said, and may i put my things down in the bedroom? and he looked - strange - and said ok but it's upstairs.
and led me, apologizing that we had so many stairs to go up (it wasn't! it was normal staircase)
then a landing and it just looked like b.r. doors. Where was the apartment?
and i figured this was his floor, so i said, where does the landlord live?
and he said here - and pointed to that whole floor and downstairs. and he said, i'm on the 3rd floor.
so we went further
and it was
one
TEENY
little tiny "bedroom"
first was this LITTLE hallway with his shirts all hanging in the hall from a suspended rack.
then the tiny little room. 10 x 10?
piles and piles of those plastic boxes like 2x2x3 feet
so many! like all his possessions were in boxes
not a dresser..
and in the back (through an aisle between the boxes) was
a twin bed
against the wall

he just stood there
he said it's a little bit full, the room and smiled sheepishly
i said so i'll put my things here? and took a moment pretending to look in my bad
so he said i'll leave you alone then
and went downstairs

i literally had visions of norman bates
not to mention this room was a fire trap
not to mention WHY THE FUCK was he living like this - not transition - said was here for 3 years or something

i was freaked out and kept remembering colleague who said, always make sure you have enough money or car whatever - if you don't like the feel get out

so i took the bag down and went to bathroom
he was just plopped on couch in front of tv
(HAD sweetly offered to have wine and popcorn for me and what would i like in the morning)

i couldn't
i walked in and sat next to him and said, and i quote, (except the name):
"W. It's not you. I can't stay. The house is giving me flashbacks."
He looked at me and said, "Oh. okay."
I said, "I'm sorry honey." and touched his hand.
He squeezed it a little and said, "Oh. okay."
I got up and picked up bag.
He said, "Oh. You're leaving NOW?!"
I said, "It's not you. The house is giving me flashbacks. Bad. I can't stay."
and i left
drove a couple of blocks and had to pull over to catch my breath.

It was
so
creepy.

And I came home and thought,
how I always think I'm such a loser.
But I'm not a loser.
I support myself, at the top of my profession.
I own a little house.
It needs work but it's not horrible.
It's sweet.
And charming.
And I do my best.
And compared to L (whom I do love as my friend), and W, I am wow wow normal. And these are not serial killers - yet compared to them, I AM normal. And I don't mean this as an insult! I mean it as - gratefulness for all I have.
I just don't feel so bad about myself or what I do or have at all now.

W. just wrote and said "i have no idea what spooked you." I said i don't know that we should go into it and you are a nice man but the house gave me flashbacks. and he wrote back i don't know why. and i wrote back i don't know that we should discuss it and i'm so sorry and don't want to hurt you. if you ever really need to know i'll try, but let me catch my breath first.
so he wrote back it was nice seeing you again. and i guess there's noplace else for us to go. i wish you the best.

i didn't want to hurt him. the house DID give me flashbacks. But ALSO - it was that he lives that way! - oh- and may i say really old house needing TONS of work with like a cushioned toilet seat from like the 1980's. and 2 floors from his "room" just creepy. not clean. icky. I wondered if maybe he is mentally ill or not an engineer at all but from a halfway house or something. I am not making fun. But SOMETHING was so - abnormal. And
I realized
God bless him (and I hope he doesn't find me and kill me) - but God bless him but I don't need other people's crazies right now or ever or anymore.
And - I can do the things around here. They're not THAT bad.
And I'm lucky
and hard-working
and grateful

and
i don't really need a man who doesn't love me either (J)
and
i don't really need to be on dating sites. it may not be right for me

still catching breath
happy got out of there

phew

Soul Speaking
“If you can’t believe in miracles, then believe in yourself. When you want something bad enough, let that drive push you to make it happen. Sometimes you’ll run into brick walls that are put there to test you. Find a way around them and stay focused on your dream. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
― Isabel Lopez, Isabel's Hand-Me-Down Dreams

something

really bad happened today
no really
not john or anything
and i do NOT need to go into it

but THREE friends helped me

God bless friends
God, please bless people
God, please bless people who are suffering
And non-human animals too
And God, thank you for friends. May I always stay a good one to them too.
Amen

1 Grat.

I was just thinking that it's really sweet and fortunate, that the last sound I hear at night, and the first I hear in the morning, ia the soft sweet chirping of the dear birds.

I. Actually. Feel. Full.

I have never, until these 3 days, ever
felt full
in my life
without pigging out.

Don't know what is going on,
but wow this is a cool feeling.

This must be how normal people feel
when they eat normally.

Thank God.

Gratitude:
:"Every day, think as you wake up, "Today I am fortunate to have woken up. I am alive, I have a precious human life. I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry, or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can."

"Let yourself go
let God be God in you"

~Meister Eckhart

Grats

Things Someone Else Might Be Praying for, Which I Am Fortunate Enough to Have:

1. voice
2. berath
3. water
4. birdies
5. trees
6. tiger lilies
7. tulips
8. grass (well weeds, but short and low and green)
9. oxygen
10. a home
11. a roof
12. a car
13. ability to drive
14. ability to see
15. ability to hear
16. 2 working kidneys
17. a good strong liver
18. a piano
19. ability to play it
20. a piano teacher
21. a job
22. a mother
23. friends
24. care for my mother – expensive – she saved all her life and is able to do this now thank God
25. good doctors (I try not to need doctors)
26. access to organic foods
27. a love for animals
28. I don’t eat animals. There are some people who have NO CHOICE what to eat
29. Cantaloupe in my fridge right now
30. And lettuces
31. 3 meals a day
32. water bottles, stainless steel
33. a stove
34. a treadmill
35. wood floors
36. windows
37. hair
38. tea
39. coffee
40. ability to have orgasms
41. I have been in love
42. I have not committed crimes
43. I am not a drug addict. I don’t do drugs at all
44. I am not an alcoholic. I don’t drink (a little wine now and then)
45. Friends
46. A good IQ
47. Beautiful breasts
48. Nice feet
49. No daily chronic pain
50. Stores nearby
51. A wonderful father. He is no longer alive but he was a great one!
52. I can live by myself. Would rather be part of a family, but at least do not HAVE TO have a roommate to afford my life!
53. I have been on 4 retreats with Thich Nhat Hanh!
54. And seen him in NYC also
55. I have eaten at restaurants
56. Including
57. Vegetarian ones
58. And vegan ones
59. I have been to plays
60. And concerts
61. And a castle
62. And palaces
63. And Harrod’s
64. I have been in NYC at Christmastime
65. I have swam in the ocean
66. And sound
67. And river
68. And lake
69. I have both legs
70. And both arms
71. Both feet
72. And both hands
73. A good heart
74. And esophagus
75. I can swallow (I remember when my mother couldn’t)
76. I have a cell pone
77. And a land line, both
78. M gave me two file cabinets full of stuff for next year
79. I have spent hours coming up with good ideas for these kids. They are a hard class but I WILL help them!!!!
80. That I have the honor of HAVING a class! GETTING to teach children!
81. My desk at work. J got it for me. It is real wood, not like those icky teacher desks
82. I have a SmartBoard in my room
83. And help for using it
84. I have a laptop
85. I have a tv. It is like 25 years old, a box one, but it works and I am happy with it!
86. I have a small stereo
87. And even a portable radio
88. I have a sunroom. No heat… but it is a room and my birdies love it
89. I can sing on key and help my children with this (students)
90. I live where today there is a breeze
91. And I can freely move about in it
92. I have freedom of speech
93. And of religion
94. And of career choice
95. My parents paid for college
96. I can cook for myself and feed myself and afford the food. Many people cannot : (
97. I have a therapist
98. I have hope
99. I am not terminally ill, today.
100. I have the eyeglasses I need
101. I have supplements
102. And Claritin

103. And this

So then. IF YOU ARE REALLY SUFFERING, READ THIS!

I have always been 100% honest here on this blog (and 99.9% honest irl).
It is SO VERY important to me!

Somehow,
based on comments and emails,
some people might not know how far down I sank.
I tell you here so that it MIGHT HELP YOU IF YOU ARE AS FAR DOWN!

I was in almost squalor here. Not like the tv show The Hoarders, but sort of like that only much much less extreme. Enough though, that I wouldn't have let anyone in!
And regained the 25 lbs I had lost (lost the wrong way of course - it was bound to happen).

And really depressed.
Praying to God, whom I believe created me, to let me die.
STILL haven't slept in the b.r. for months. Sleeping on couch.
Let EVERYTHING go.
Bills mother stuff everything way behind.
Believing that I am just defective and not meant to be here...

Doesn't matter why. Long story short, schizophrenic mother bad bad way to grow up. 20's etc. tried to skip stages I guess, not knowing better. Can't. They will always come back for you:)
Almost 3 decades with J. His problems are more serious than mine! I idolized him anyway. And spent like 28 years part-time tap dancing - am i good enough yet am i good enough yet / and part-time being a self-entitled angry resentful screaming bitch-shrew.

NOW
have 2 things I think can really help me, and they already are.
Each started helping withing ONE DAY

SO I SHARE THEM HERE WITH YOU.

1. is more clean eating. I am a compulsive overeater, so I still struggle with this. But the more of it I do, the better!
I could not do it with "common sense alone." Of COURSE I know fresh organic broccoli is better than a package of crap with a list of 4000 ingredients, dyes, chemicals, tons of sugar and white flour, ....
But what helped ME was this:
The DASH diet. Diet only meaning way of eating. Nothing extreme. And there are a gazillion free Internet sites on it. I liked the dr. oz show on it, which can also be accessed online for free. 1/2 hour (half of a show). I watched it twice.
And then I read and bought and use the book,
*** You do not have to have high blood pressure - I don't - which this plan was started to address, in the mid-90's. And you don't have to need to lose weight because adjust OWN amounts. It is 3 years in a row voted THE HEALTHIEST WAY TO EAT
and major .... .... 's are all over it! No medical agency, no fringe group could be against it.
AND - on another dr. oz show, a different guy not from DASH but similar, said even 90% of the time, which is more like I'm doing. Is great! The book:
The DASH Diet Action Plan
subtitle: Proven to BOOST WEITHT LOSS and IMPROVE HEALTH
by Marla Heller, MS, RD (who was on Dr Oz)

2. My shrink has finally given me (or I've finally heard them lol) 3 simple steps to take every single day.
And I am.
Ok, I missed one step one day but I'm MORE glad for that because not sicko expectations and my step 3 was becoming unrealistic.
Here are the steps. They might help someone reading.
I had become like J. COULDN'T do what had to do each day. COULD. NOT. REALLY COULD NOT. NO ABILITY. Not refusing. COULD NOT FIGHT IT!!!!!!!
Here are the steps right now, I promise:

#1. Get up whenever (I am off from strict work schedule for another week or so). I am allowed to have my coffee first whatever. But early on - GET SHOWERED AND DRESSED AND GET OUT.
His words: "Make the world come in instead of go away
Up any time shower out of house
Cannot hide"
I had been hiding out avoiding life...
I go to the store. No big deal
"Forces me to drive a mile, walk in, smile, walk out. Even if to buy a tomato or a bagel or tea which I could certainly make at home"
This little action of showering and I've been putting on a skirt cause it feels good and seeing hair and face look good... (no makeup or bother sometimes a ring sometimes no jewelry). But like, I wouldn't die if I ran into someone.... has started a change in the day!
So #1 is the same every day. Not sweat pants and run out. Shower. Dress. Get out for short bit even!

#2. Specifically for me, I am to take control of the amount of time I give A. He likes a LOT of my time in chat IM stuff.
Then I start off ins some loop of feeling used, not appreciated, put upon, no time to do anything, will lose friend if don't do, ... and then when HE'S not available I feel rejected and abandoned because I'm almost always there for him... all kinds of sick shit.
For YOU it may mean taking control of ANYTHING where YOU have a need you're not meeting. A 15 minute bath no interruptions allowed. Or say no to a favor someone asks. TELL friend can't talk on phone right now.Get SOMETHING back in your own control on your own behalf.
(His words: "A – take control of it schedule etc. not him"

and
#3. I have 42 million things to do around here (and car and classroom) to make my life bearable. This one is HARD.
I KNOW therapists have said something like it to J.
I THINK - MAYBE mine has said it to me before.
But I have never been able to do it.
Now I am.
Here it is:
You pick ONE THING. By the thing itself NOT by the time. So - NOT saying, "I will work on blah blah for 20 minutes." No. Saying, "I will clear the d.r. table." Or whatever. It HAS TO BE SMALL ENOUGH TO BE DOABLE. Even if only 10 minutes.
**** NOW THE MOST IMPORTANT PART! Hard but MUST DO. ***DO NOT DO MORE. DO. NOT. DO. MORE. You will be tempted. Will start to feel a little better. MUST NOT(!) give in to that. Or blows up big again and the next day will dread and fall back into doing nothing. VERY IMPORTANT.
So, for example, yesterday is the day I skipped #3. And I think I know why! I had, "Clean d.r." Well that is very involved right now. I have a full suitcase and a number of unpacked gifts. And THREE BAGS OF PAPERS! and the table has stuff all over it. And then there's dusting and vacuuming. And that doesn't count cleaning the curtains which are desperate. Or the breakfront. Or the hobby cabinet. For real.
So what happened? I did nothing.
Re-wrote for today.
Clean d.r. table.
That's all.
The FACT is, that this way, the house could take me 6 months, I don't know. But the OTHER WAY, 6 months from now the house will be the same and even worse.
Because of whatever the glitch, and I cannot do it. I cannot do the marathons I used to do (which didn't help in the long-run anyway or I wouldn't BE in this mess).
So - I have had to REMOVE DEADLINES.
Only the REAL ones exist.
I brush my teeth after eating.
I care for the birds of course! (They are innocent, and dependent!)
I pay pills on time enough. JUST enough.
And I will meet work deadlines. No choice, really. But here, NO DEADLINES. Do today's little bit do not let self do more the end.

And I have noticed these changes already in a few days:

*I put on a skirt and top (different of course) and I am fat and I don't care. I look fat in these. I walk proudly. I am cute, I am who I am, I am where I am, I have a right to take up space. I am clean, my clothes are clean, I am smiling, I have a right to EXIST. This is new for me.

*I am so much less depressed and hopeless feeling.

*I am enjoying the moment.

*I am not desperately invested in A.

*For the first time in MONTHS I do not DREAD THE DAY. I do NOT dread the day.

I hope this helps someone.
It is helping me.
:)

100 Grats

I am grateful:

1. I am grateful for my therapy session yesterday
2. And having already done 2 out of the 3 things today, that I am to do.
3. And that 3rd will be later but I will do it.
4. That A and I seem to have worked out our friendship for now.
5. And he reminded me.
6. Good. And said will continue you. I want that (for now)
7. That I was more relaxed last night about about12:30 pm that I can remember being, in years.
8. And I slept
9. And had interesting dreams
10. That M.A. just called
11. And we are making plans
12. And we will take M.L. to lunch
13. It is GORGEOUS out today here
14. My mother’s 2 calls this am
15. My birdies are singing
16. They are so free. They fly around (long story about wings)
17. and they sit on outside of cage and shelf under it
18. that they are well fed
19. and healthy
20. and happy
21. and I will continue to make their life only better and better
22. Day before yesterday, when I wheeled cage – open, with them on it lol – into the sunroom. Where I have not allowed myself to be since Easter! –
23. I put out two big floor cushioinns on the ovely red oak floor
24. And read some of The Bone People
25. And my boys loved it in there. As I knew they would
26. And I did too
27. That I found lamps. This place is WAY too dark. Two lamps both broken irreparably. And I’d let that go. I found two. Very inexpensive, yay. And will get the job done. Phew.
28. I do not have cancer
29. I have not had a heart attack
30. I do not have diabetes
31. I can see
32. The eggplant that I ate last night
33. That I can play piano
34. And that I enjoy it
35. And that kit helps me even when down
36. That after my session yesterday, I am ALLOWING MYSELF to feel good today: )
37. My great shower today. Some showers feel extra good
38. The smell of my new – and cheap – shampoo. Good.
39. The cream I put on
40. The really pretty shirt I have on
41. Not worried about shelter form elements. Can think about whether shirt is pretty.
42. I changed my profile pic on fb and got 15 likes!
43. And 7 nice comments!
44. I also change my cover banner thing at top. And the whole page looks so much more – cheerful now: )
45. That I can exercise
46. That I’ve been watching Dr. Oz lately. I know he does some cheesy things. But he does help spread good information and I like him for that.
47. That everything I am reading and seeing is saying for all kinds of conditions – from avoidance of bad to increase of good (from absence of disease to vibrant good health) is saying the same thing: whole foods whole foods whole foods. For these and more: Cancer
Weight loss
Insomnia
Gluten low tolerance
Diabetes
Heart health
Fatigue
Foods that grow. One-ingredient foods. And Tony Horton even says 90% of the eating that way is fine.
48. And I have access to this. That is very fortunate.
49. My breasts
50. My honesty
51. Tea
52. Thich Nhat Hanh
53. I feel so much better today.
54. Doing less than thinking.
55. That I can breathe
56. That I can speak
57. That I have new drinking glasses. 4 each regular and wine, and 4 parfait like things (for berries etc.) Yay. Finally
58. That gratitude is supposed to be good for you
59. Deep breaths
60. Dr. Oz
61. Dr. Phil. I don’t like, trust him. But I do get some help out of his show sometimes. A few minutes of it near the end…
62. Oprah. Yes. I think she has done a lot of good in the world
63. Audrey Hepburn. I think she did too.
64. Enough. Enough.
65. My instantaneous reaction to mediation
66. And to eating greens.
67. And my very quick reaction to walking and other exercise. Very thankful for all of those!
***And now it is Friday. I have everything I need.
My life is great.
This is not something I’m saying as “an affirmation.”
It is truth.
Not bliss excited type thing.
Quiet honest stable truth.
68. Saturday. I am grateful that I am not the same kind of desperate about J.
69. And that I for three days, even though no plans with others, just runs to stores, after showering and making sure hair and face were good, I put on a skirt and top. I like that.
70. That there is no garbage in my house.
71. And the kitchen is so clean.
72. And all the dishes
73. That today I give the d.r. a good cleaning
74. That the birds came out last night.
75. And love the sunroom too.
76. That so much of this – all of this betterness – is because I am following the dr’s 3 things to do each day, thank God, thank dr (and thank self for listening)
77. Eggplant
78. The book I’m now reading, The Bone People. Different. Interesting. Cool.
79. ***O. reached out to me.
80. We are made up.
81. And I forgive all.
82. And am looking at self for how could grow too (like not let things build for so long without saying a word…)
83. And – SHE offered that I can continue to go for a lesson now and then IF I’d like!
84. I want to so much! Was afraid to ask! So now – I can practice again, without the little bit of bad feelings that was beginning to accompany it.
85. It is beautiful out.
86. Again. Many days in a row.
87. My friend who shares Notes from the Universe (really nice things you can google and get them too)
88. Water to drink
89. That I can read
90. That as I am doing things more, and am in different parts of the house than the birds, I hear their lovely birdsong throughout
91. Plants
92. That I can write
93. M
94. And for her, I am grateful that she is away now
95. That I dumped S. Had to. Wished him well, but even moreso, wish well to the innocents who may come to him for help, now that he is an Internet Rabbi, but is exclusionary and oppositional and mean to others. I am glad he is out of my life (former friend of L’s). Again, don’t wish him unwell – just don’t need to keep someone in life.
96. Comedies
97. The Dash diet
98. Dr. Oz spreading infor (despite the cheesiness…)
99. My little waslks this week.
100. “My” trees.

Click on it ;)

http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/08/15/how-comfortable-are-you-with-this-your-success-depends-on-it/

Huge. Huge

therapy session Wednesday
Have 3 things to do each day.
Did yesterday's.
Now doing today.
They are not overwhelming.
But they are life-changing.

All those sessions.
All that money.

This one made it all worthwhile.

Thank you, God.
Thank you, Dr.
Thank you, Self.
Thank you, Friends.

On my way out right now...

More

Just to Enjoy:






Please God, let me feel this one:

Goes with What My Shrink Is Now Telling Me

I Need to Remember This! : )

This COULD help someone else... :) I hope :)

A. is my friend, as as long as I manage to keep it there...
So
Referring to my recent despair, he today wrote to me (he is very wise but can't spell and acknowledges that and I don't care and even think it adds to the integrity - the sweetness - and put it here copied and pasted as he wrote it to me). Then I went and copied these too posts from Internet. Under the pics is what he said:





there is a new rukle for lynn
GET A GRIP

that is ur problem
work on getting grip
when bad feelings overcome u
abide
they are not always what you think

your feelings are sometimes mistaken
dont let negative feeling won u
own

dont just go with your feelings automatically
you are beating yourself up way too much
u can be stronger

u must be
no more breakdowns
The real problem is the rbeakdown

If I let evry negative emotion rule me I would be more than unhappy
I would be behving like an insane person
u can do what u must happy and even unhappy

U do not have to give in to wild emotional despair

u must stop yourself and rethink your way out of it

uyou wont be giving int to mental illness
it comes down to getting a grip
I can make myself carzy if i want to
very very easily
stick to plan that will make life better
move in thnat direction
for get past mistakes
forget past pain
happy or inhappy u can do this

abide
dont give in to despair again
no matter what
never

J. --- Me -- Mother -- EJ

So

The child of a schizophrenic mother,
the fields of psychiatry and psychology say,
has a harder time
than even the child thrown in the trash can as an infant.

Because there IS no - "bad, done, over, find a way to heal and move on."
It is pull-in, push-away; pull-in, push-away; pull-in, push-away.....
That's bad enough.
But it is also pull-in, push-away NO MATTER *WHAT* YOU DO!
So it teaches you, on a visceral level, that nothing you do has any effect. The lesson becomes that you cannot affect your environment. This is below consciousness. And becomes your true internal belief system.

EJ responding to a recent post of mine. It took such giving to say those things. Courageous and loving and huge.
And they made my stomach feel -

get ready -

surprise surprise -

BETTER!!!!!!

My reactions to J, are about my mother. The pathological: "I MUST be able to get this person to stay." J. is a lovely man. A noble man. A man who is disturbed. Works hard and tries. But is - damaged. Smart, funny, very very very handsome, a great dancer, still can't support himself, honest, brave ... all those things. And there times when he REALLY damaged me. I mean how does a bj from a hooker and resulting syphilis sound? (I didn't get it, thank God!). How does beating me and locking me in closets sound.
How does one night in bed, actually saying to me, "I had such horrifying thoughts of torturing you in the basement, that I got scared." And me being SO BEATEN DOWN BY THEN. SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED AND WORKING SO HARD IN THE DAY AND THIS IN THE NIGHT, that I didn't throw him out. I didn't even leave. I answered, "Are you going to kill me tonight, J?" And he said, "No." And I said, "Good." And went to sleep. WENT TO SLEEP. Assuming and hoping he wouldn't. But literally too exhausted to do or say anything else. BELIEVED HIM. Went to sleep, hoping I'd be alive in the morning. Too tired to care...

Those were early years.
Then came lots of good times.
Then the last years which were not like that, but were abnormal and difficult and a wreck. And I was a wreck.

And even during all the fun
it wasn't - normal.

I have had no normalcy in my home life, almost ever, since birth.

And the two biggest mistakes I ever made about J were:

1. One time, when he had me on the floor and was kicking me, I had contusions all over my belly. Slept at gf's house (St). She was beside herself. Made me a bath, gave me a robe, hot Moroccan tea, etc. A place to sleep.
Kept saying you have to leave him!
And I was actually saying - I was ACTUALLY SAYING - "If he had cancer I wouldn't leave him. This is an illness."
I can't describe to you her frustration.
Her husband, so you get a picture in your head I will tell you: Born in Morocco, educated in Paris, a mixture of both accents, very very soft-spoken spiritual Muslim man of peace and honor and love, came in a few times (I was on l.r. couch). Sat across room. Only said ONLY these words. "No, Lynn. No." And later, at like 4 am, "No, Lynn. No. A man does not do this to a woman."
I BELIEVED - it is a disease. He is my husband. I don't leave him. PATHOLOGICAL!
and

2. Because it turned out he had a drug issue, and he went to meetings virtually every day for 3 years, and never took them again, and turned that part of his life around - the drugs and the hitting -, and teens of years went by and he never touched me that way again, I thought, "I love him MORE for going through that and turning it around. What a big man!"
THAT is not as pathological. But still,...

And the truth is,
no one else lives here now.
Except the little birdies.
And they are quite normal lol.

That means
that no one else is preventing me from normalcy NOW.
Wow.
I never realized that before.
I do now.
Wow.

And
I -
deserve -
better.

Worrying about my future as I watch my own mother decrepitate,
and my being alone
and blah blah blah
fear...
is infuckingsane.
And is no reason to want a man who doesn't want me
Or to want back the man who did all that . . .
and still isn't normal
I guess I grew up being comfortable with abnormal!

I
DESERVE
BETTER


I vow to you,
today will be a good day:)

And I have turned a corner.
I am sure.

PS I had a little loss AND a medium loss AND a big loss in one day the other day and a day of a sort of internal agony. Hours of sobbing. Til after midnight. And it was during that that M was on phone and I said that about J (it came up in something she asked me about if had 2 weeks to live...) And I guess that contributed to pulling me back. Plus my mother had to tell me J's plans for the day, oy. Plus he was on his way over to help with something - HIS offer I didn't ask... TOO. MUCH. J.! And I intend to not let that shit happen and pull me back again. And A. - well that's a long story - too long - but anyway the result is that A. will not get so much of my time it is bad for me. I LITERALLY have great dreams the nights I haven't engaged with him or not for long and nightmares the nights I do.
Hello!
Duh!
Note to self!
...

LAST
That was all bad
Childhood
J
Abnormalcy
blah blah blah
THIS
is
NOW

TODAY I have health and a home and a day off and my birds and my piano and my friends and my books and my car and good healthy food in my fridge
and and and and and

Thank you, EJ. If you see this, know how much I appreciate the hard things you said to me.
I love you

Anyone who reads this - I see in "blog stats" different countries and so on, have a good day. And be happy this one day. I shall...

these say a lot...

Journal - I need to remember this

Manifest Life
To believe in the things you can see and touch is no belief at all, but to believe in the unseen is a triumph and a blessing. ~Abraham Lincoln

Manifesting takes faith and trust, so when you do not see movement or something is not going right, you bite your lip, do not talk about what is not happening, but stay the course knowing what you are giving your thoughts and energy to is on its way.

Manifest Life (fb page)

68 Gratitudes on Walking !

1. I am grateful that I can walk.
2. That I was born with two legs.
3. And healthy ones.
4. And that my mother taught me to walk.
5. And that I have done so much of it.
6. Every single time I have walked at the park near where I grew up, which is near where I live now too!
7. Every single time I have walked at the park by the sound.
8. Every single time I have walk at the sound, on the beach, with the sand between my toes.
9. And in the water
10. And at the ocean
11. And in the ocean water
12. And in pools
13. And lakes
14. Every single time I have walked at the mall – and I used to do it ALL THE TIME, for LONG TIMES
15. Every single time J and I did indoor mall-walks
16. And even “supermarket walks” for exercise!
17. And every single time we walked in the Poconos
18. And in the Catskills
19. And the walk to the beach right downstairs, on our honeymoon
20. The walks I talk in Santa Monica while he was at work
21. And the ones we took when he wasn’t at work, on the pier
22. The walks I used to take with B. They helped me get back into exercise
23. The walks I used to take at one of the estates with 50 miles of trail. It was not open to the public, but joggers were allowed in, and I was with the joggers
24. The cows I saw on those walks
25. And the bull
26. The walks at the zoos here
27. And in L.A.
28. And in Barbasos
29. The walks in Bermuda
30. OMG the walks in London!
31. And in the park at Kensington
32. The walk at the Tower
33. Nad at Windsor Castle
34. And at Buckinham Palace
35. And in the streets in North London
36. And in the heart of the city, by the shops…
37. The walking meditation walks with Thich Nhat Hanh
38. And with our sangha
39. And with J
40. And alone
41. The walks with little-dog of leash!
42. The walk throughhthe mall with M
43. The walks by work at lunchtime, with Ma and P.
44. The “planet walks” with the students
45. The walks I used to take every morning to the bakery for a blueberry muffin (tiny in those days – the muffin – and me lol) and a cup of tea
46. The walk I took THIS MORNING. Only 4 blocks. But felt great.
47. The walks – oh the glorious walks – J and I used to take so frequently at the gardens. Like 4 x a week!
48. And they healed me of the injury
49. And of pneumonia
50. The walks that I have ENJOYED. By myself. Even when I didn’t know J.
51. So that WALKS are NOT about J.
52. The treadmill walks healing me from injury
53. The treadmill walks here at home
54. That I HAVE the treadmill
55. The walks on PINK sand in Bermuda
56. The walks in the taller building when I worked there. So many stairs all the time
57. The walks in this building – oe floor but SO laid out
58. The walks in the woods when I was little.
59. The walks to friends’ houses when I was little
60. The walks home from school. Long walks every day no matter the weather. So good for me!
61. The walks in the book”The Secret Garden”
62. The walks from the bus stop as a teen, every day
63. The miles of walks at a time to G’s house as a teen
64. And in nthe woods with him ; )
65. That my legs are STILL strong
66. The jogging I did too.
67. How quickly my body responds and gets better. Annd has with walking, every single time
68. That my mother, with all her leg problems, and needing a walker now, can still walk

alittlepoem

Did you ever sob
So hard
You thought
“This will never stop.”

And feel,
“I would give anything
for…”
this… or that…

-----Dearheart, listen
-----Shh
-----In the breeze

-----Nature’s whispers
-----Are calling to you
-----Be free, you ARE free

The time will come
You will laugh again
Oh yes you will
You WILL!

Hold on
Stand firm
Look UP
It’s on its way…

b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

M. Was Very Sad to Hear This. And Surprised. I Would Have Thought She'd Known

Long story how the talk came to this but here it is:

If I found out I had 2 weeks to live,
what would I want to do with them?

I KNOW what I would do!

I would call J.
And I would say,
"J, I have found out I have 2 weeks to live.
IF
you can,
WITHOUT it hurting you,
could you find
2
or 3
2-hour periods of time
throughout the next two weeks
to hold me in your arms

Or sit and watch a movie
with my head on your lap
and an arm around me.

That is all I want
out of life.
IF
it would not hurt you."

Note to Self - Do for Others

Doesn't matter what -
I had a HORRIBLE time today - from 10:00 when I woke up (late)
til 1:45 or so.

And I was STEWING
and worse

My stomach hurt
My skin had goosebumps
I was dizzy
All from the stress and ANGER (wow - cant' see therapist too soon!)

BUT
I had to self:
Don't you DARE sit here wasting an afternoon stewing in misery!
Get the fuck (excuse me) out of this house and go DO something FOR SOMEBODY ELSE!

And so
I went and spent a long time with my mother.
She loves that.
Brought pictures - no computer or internet there so took them from facebook onto desktop and brought and we looked together
She loved that.

I can't say I feel all better - but that wasn't the POINT! I didn't go in order to feel better. I WENT in order to help someone ELSE rather than be so self-centered. "Surely I can help SOMEONE instead of waste this day God gave me!"

So -
Note to Self:
Any time it is physically safe and possible to do, get out and help SOMEONE instead of stewing.
Any time it isn't (2am or something) do it online. Or pray for them.
Go sit in d.r. and do a craft to give away to brighten someone ELSE'S world...

(Or even read a book or sleep, which doesn't so much help someone else, but at least is better than stewing.)

Oh - and don't forget this young woman:

Learning

It is irrelevant
It is irrelevant it is irrelevant it is irrelevant.

When I begin to suffer over J, as this am, I must remember that.
It is irrelevant

It is irrelevant
IF J. has a gf or not
Is having sex or not
Will someday marry and have children or not

He has chosen to not be with me

I can only do the best I can
To be the best person I can be
And to have JOY in THIS DAY.
And share it, even, spread it around a bit:)

10 years ago I would NEVER have believed ANY of the things that have happened since
the parts that were joy the parts that were pain

the cancer diagnosis (which turned out to be false)
my mother’s big health event and ensuing 10 years of changed life
little-dog
my new piano
my lessons
my playing at a very fancy rich-neighborhood party! On like an 80 thousand dollar piano!
And them liking it!
O becoming my friend
My break-up with O, my friend and piano teacher, recently
playing in two recitals. After 40 years of not being able to emotionally!
my new principal
my switching grades
and winding up ok there
J leaving me
my moving furniture around
learning to do more things for myself. So many MANY things! little and big
my new eye problems
my relationship with L.
Including sex
Ma sending me that book
My not having doggie:(
My having birdy boys!
My being able to break up with L
My going on a date with W
Having experienced some real joy without J.
Lots of misery too. But I lived through it
MA’s sickness
My deep friendship with M.
Tai chi
Being introduced through it to Thich Nhat Hanh
Going on FOUR RETREATS with him! One in London!
And seeing him in NYC as well
Becoming a vegan
Going to England! By myself! And loving it!
Being part of thousands-of-people sit-in for peace with Thich Nhat Hanh in Trafalgar Square!
And some "ordinary" sight seeing for days!
I could go on and on.

But the point is,
That therefore I cannot predict what will happen in the next 10 years,
If I am LUCKY ENOUGH to have them : )

That I truly wanted and prayed to die....
And then wanted to live...
And then again...
But now am open. To life. Do NOT want to die. Or even be invisible. Cherish life. Am more accepting of its challenges.

Wow! I Want You to Answer This for Yourself!

I realize I would!

I would like me for honesty, humor, trustworthiness, compassion, loyalty, and "bubblyness." And intelligence too.

And affection and romance and sexuality and open-mindedness. And consistent self-improvement. And ability to kick up heels and have fun and joy. Yay!

Nice!

Yay!

Joy

Good Morning you Gorgeous People.......now wouldn't it be incredible if you refused to feel anything less than JOY today...because it's your Spirit's natural state, because you deserve to be Joyful, because life is too short NOT to be Joyful. So put the Drama , the worry, the fear, the sadness, the anxiety, the stress into the trash bin today...and just feel JOY..try it..just for today...really, consider it an experiment...

from fb page Zen to Zany

: )

My Boys Today

Today

My birdy boys

Well

I held them in my hands

One at a time

And rubbed their bellies

I love my boys:)
xoxoxo

Oh - and I noticed yesterday - that they drink from one of the water bowls
and bathe in the other!
Especially Jewel
So cute!

Old pic but the innocence shows...

THE. BIGGEST. LESSON. OF. MY. LIFE.

Journal

depressed today
the meditation was great
maybe because of mother stuff
and own bad feelings about not doing more
and back online too much

turning it around though

I am a good person.
I am loveable.
I don’t cheat
Or steal
Or lie
Or break confidences
I care about children
And non-human animals
And adults too
I am smart
I am funny
I have cute hair
I try to live according to my religion of my upbringing and my adulthood Buddhism
I work on improving
I also let more more these few days, just living
I am a good reader
And pianist
And typist
And teacher
I take care of my birds
I am very very very extending of myself to friends
And their feelings
I am great at meditating. Like, it comes into me in a breath
I teach it to and practice it with others, too
If J doesn’t love/want me, there is nothing I can do about that.
I can live MY life.

Don't Read if Doing the Deepak Oprah Thing til AFTER Your First Day

They have an opportunity to Journal and today they asked to name some miracles you've already experienced in your life. This is what came to me. And although it's a LITTLE different, these are my gratitudes.

So many.
1. Breathing on my own
2. Sight
3. Colors
4. Birds
5. Dogs
6. Giraffes
7. elephants
8. Zebras
9. Lions
10. Trees
11. Fish
12. Flowers
13. My mother recovering after her major health event
14. The peaceful happy years with John
15. Reading
16. Bare feet on earth
17. Sand
18. Oceans
19. Rivers
20. lakes
21. The sound
22. The bay
23. The canal
24. Swimming
25. Walking
26. My birdies eating out of my hand, millet
27. Orgasms
28. Getting to teach children
29. Making music on the piano
30. Four retreats with Thich Nhah Hanh and his monks and nuns andso many other people (3 x were a thousand and more and 1 x was for teachers only and just under 300)
31. Going to England
32. By myself
33. and loving it.
34. This meditation today
35. Eating peaches and plums and cherries
36. My father. The best father.
37. Hugs
38. Getting my walking and abilities back after my big accident
39. Ability to speak (I remember when I couldn't)
40. Even when I couldn't was a miracle because it taught me to appreciate speaking AND that everything I think does NOT need to be said lol
41. Finally coming to be able to shop with or for my mother without torture
42. Ability to drive
43. Weeks in the Poconos with J
44. And the Catskills too
45. Niagara Falls
46. 2x
47. Sitting by pool (Catskills) with BATS flying all around us - til J said we'd better go in. And he was right
48. Being o, fall, almost 2 years ago
49. and when met L, too
50. Driving to Staten Island all those times
51. All the times at the beach with my parents
52. Noni
53. Gems from Mother Earth
54. M's children
55. Sh doggie
56. Fawns
57. Woods walks with P doggie off-leash
58. embroidery
59. reading
60. getting the job in Scarsdale
61. getting my Masters degree
62. freiendships. Loving and long-lasting
63. Making my own dough
64. Smies. Like this huge one now
65. Helping orphans
66. and Psychiatrically ill children
67. Getting selected to work at P.I., Columbia, with the famous dr. Only 2 in the world selected and I was one of them
68. Being offered modeling job
69. Being offered tv playing0piano job
70. Jesus
71. My hands feeling a taking on of peace and love and kindness - tingling - at beginning of today's meditation
72. I have a bed to sleep in
73. I have gotten through storms, including on a boat and on a ship
74. Watching Oprah. Yes, really
75. Laughter
76. The sounds of other people's laughter
77. Je and the feather last night
78. St
79. M A
80. M L
81. C
82. S
83. M
84. even the lessons from O (both meanings)
85. Sex
86. Beading on the beach
87. Making (and waring - and giving away) pretty jewelry
88. knitting and wearing (and giving away)
89. same with crochet
90. stamped cross-stich
91. I have seen the Pieta
92. and the Mona Lisa
93. and much original famous art work
94. I have colored
95. and painted
96. Leaves, in all their stages, are miracles to me
97. Helen Keller's inspiration.
98. and that the classes respond and get inspired
99. 5th graders and older coming back to share and tell me what inspired them, or ask for a book, ...
100. helping Yumi. Ahhh.
101. Koko the Gorilla. Thank you, Mary Allen. And for DECADES I ahe shared with children. And all have loved
102. As have parents, even o f classes where I was SUBBING!
103. as has my mother
104. Etc.
105. I never cheated on John. Miracle because for a time I was tempted.
106. Prayer
107. My easy-spirituality
108. Years of walking walking walking
109. and it is coming again
110. My hair. the feel of it. All are little miracles. - Or is there no such thing...
111. Being helped when I felt near suicidal
112. My mother's prayers
113. and mine for her
114. J telling me to envision her numbers going up on those hospital machines as he said we were connected mother and daughter. And it worked
115. The peace I have experienced my whole life every time I have
116. The miracle of electricity
117. and heat
118. Although I'd rather live more naturally
119. Sitting in my backyard.
120. Catching fireflies as a child
121. And the daisies with cousin Jo
122. And getting back together with my cousins
123. Saving a tiny baby shrew
124. Saving 4 kittens and their mother. That was hard. And it was a hurricane. And I was highly allergic. But I did it.
125. Students who have overcome terrible illnesses
126. Mindful eating
127. and the Five Contemplations
128. my given Buddhist name: True Compassion of the Heart
129. And J’s- True Simplicity of the Heart
130. Humor
131. Holding hands - with boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, children...
132. Swinging on swings
133. Romance at amusement parks
134. Sitting in on Congress in session
135. Not having to serve on those juries
136. A shrink who let me call him when desperate
137. A great opthomologist for my eyes
138. The book The Secret
139. And the book, Be Free Where you Are
140. Access to plenty of clean drinking water



and much more
but that is enough for right now.
:)

I'm in. Are You? Is free: )

https://chopracentermeditation.com/about-us

What I Learned, Being "Unplugged" for 5 Days

What I Did:
I sat less and did more
(IMAGINE without tv too! – Like London, or those three retreats)

I like being active

Kayleigh and EJ were SO right. Don’t always analyze. Just BE.
I’m making this list now, but that’s to document.

I think I will still do grats. I THINK. BUT IN EVENING. WHEN I’M TENDING TO SIT ANYWAY.

***I do not have to see every post that comes on fb!

Every thought I have is NOT needing to be shared (here or fb or wherever)

Doing more for my mother and seeing her aide M more feels good

I LOVE having M’s girls as my little “nieces.” It is tiring! But so worth it!

I don’t WANT to multi-task!

I am a great teacher an take pride in that

I had good pleasant dreams EVERY night for 5 nights – I, who usually have had nightmares.
Less computer for sure from now on

And maybe one day a week OFF!

I will take no one’s leftovers. I will be alone or I will be with a man who

I WANT meditation and nature and exercise and good eating and birds

I have had more:
In person friendship dates
Bird time
Piano time
Reading
Breathing peacefully
Phone time (just like 20 – 30 minutes a day total)
Fabulous dreams

And want to:
Teach the girls (M’s girls, who have asked me to) some crafts
Stamped cross-stitch
Stitch and zip
Not get upset over little things
Keep house clean. It is very calming: ) And makes a nicer quality of life
And WILL have a coat – or two this coming winter!
And cheap but decent clothes for work to look better each day
Walk. Walk walk walk walk walk. All year. Like I used to.
Use ALL of my rooms – not live in the fucking den!
See some movies.
And – I can date now. Am really ready. To just have a nice time. NOT desperate. WOW!
Meditate daily.
Play piano
Listen to books on tape, sitting in l.r. with fireplace (in winter)
Read
Some jigsaw puzzles
Get house fixed all can
Stop obsessing about J.
Save some money.

I feel so much calmer.
Thank God: )