Today's Reading - In This Moment

In This Moment, I want to know God's will. Sometimes, I question myself. Am I praying in the right way? I compare myself with what others tell me about how they work Step Eleven. What if I'm doing it wrong? Then I remember to "Keep it Simple." I pray, "God, please let me know your will for me and please give me whatever I need to carry it out." Said on a daily basis, this prayer connects me to God. I trust that whatever happens, I'll be all right. All I have to do is show up and be willing.

Today's Reading - Voices of Recovery

"We now have a new reaction when we face a problem or a decision, whether it has to do with food, with life, or with our own runaway emotions. Instead of acting on impulse, we pause long enough to learn God's will." OA 12 & 12 p. 26 I have learned to trust God to take care of me and to take charge of my compulsive eating. One day at a time he proves His strength and power and love by relieving the obsession with food. Bit by bit, I turn over my will and my life as I become conscious that I am not in a position to control a particular person, place, thing, situation, circumstance, or event. As the trust builds, I experience increasing peace of mind and a new reaction to stress, fear, anxiety, frustration, and disappointment; the desire to ask for help. Instead of the knee-jerk reaction of stuffing my face, I pray when I am in distress, either out loud or on paper to go in my God box. Peace of mind returns and the trust increases. With the trust comes another day of freedom from the insanity of compulsive eating and from the pain of living with myself.

Today's Reading - For Today

"Hatred is a feeling which leads to the extinction of values." Jose Ortega y Gasset Hatred is the result of not accepting the world and its people - myself included - as they are. It makes little difference whether I fall into a blind rage or repress my anger; either course plunges me into a kind of madness, an unreasoning state in which everything I value is snuffed out. The twelve-step program is a great help in dealing with anger. It feels good to get angry without hating anyone. I can separate a person's behavior from the person. The process starts with getting to feel better and better about myself. For today: I do not have to give another person's actions the power to knock me off balance.

Update, While I'm Also Working on Grats and Readings...

Wowie Zowie. We finally had a long talk last night. I refused to "chat" or see him until I got his truth. He was very sweet and dear. V. had called him days ago to offer him a ticket she couldn't use - orchestra level - big play... he said yes. Then he thought - STUPIDLY - that I'd "be mad" that he was going to a thing without me (which I'd not have been if he'd just told me). So he decided not to tell me. Like a 7-year-old boy afraid of getting in trouble, he didn't think it through - I mean, how would it have been when I just couldn't reach him for the entire night tonight? Anyway, he lied to me about having "absolutely nothing to do" and about "possibly going out with E" (that male friend). ... ... ... So with the information I had, it seemed like he didn't want to see me on his birthday, AND wouldn't tell me why (I'd hinted 3 times) AND THEN wanted to buy a ticket for himself but not me and not even go with me as I had offered shows, told this to best friend/former girlfriend Jo, but not to me, and most certainly has not "earned" the level of closeness he seems to demand - constant phone talks, assumption of every weekend, talk of long term.... After our talk, I see that he doesn't care at all about the date itself so seeing the play tonight doesn't feel to him like he's not seeing me for his birthday, as he's spending the weekend here, is kind of - um - penurious - and has a hard time saying no to the free ticket, acts like a little boy when he's afraid apologizes honestly and warmly when he's wrong can face the uncomfortable discussion (when pushed) when needed, and stick to it throughout will not lie to me again (I'm adamant about this) We are closer now. This is not the love of my life. J. was. And that's okay. It's okay because even though it's not the way I wanted it (J leaving), it is, it just is. A = A. Might as well fact it. And I AM thinking and feeling that I am happy with L. right now. In the day, for the day. And that's right for now. I am very proud of myself! Yay! Because I: Told me truth. Loud and clear and firm and strong but not nasty. Made it clear - and it took 4 tries for him to really get it - that I was neither going to "chat" nor see him, until and unless he gave me his TRUTH about all of this. And I am thrilled because I: actually felt BETTER! Better than I have in weeks! Did NOT want to stop seeing him, and was sad that might, and already missed him and was sad, but that's normal. Felt so much better - relieved - because was TOTALLY true to myself. UNDERSTOOD on the deepest level, that cannot change the other person's feelings or actions, and don't even need to try. Can only be best self and true to self. And that felt so good. And did it without being nasty. Yay me:) And also proud of self because when we had gotten honest, the night before last, when this all came up, he reverted to what definitely sounded like untruths to me. And I said, plainly, "No, L. We are past that now. I will not go back. This is now a no-bullshit zone." And he did respond!

Daily Reading - Voices of Recovery

" . . . our fears usually stem from our inability to trust that our basic needs will be met." OA 12 & 12 p 49 - 50 What is the worst that could happen if I trust my Higher Power to provide all that I need if I turn over my food addiction? Might I keep eating compulsively and continue on the path of self destruction? Well, that's happening now. Am I afraid that I won't find comfort and release from the stresses of life? Too much food and too much fat are the biggest stresses in my life. Relief from them would bring me comfort. Hours without compulsive thoughts about food would bring the release I seek. I keep going to food to meet my basic needs. Food provides fuel for my body - nothing else. My need for spiritual and emotional fuel comes from within me. My Higher Power created me with all that I need. With my Higher Power's help., I will learn how to access the power within me.

Daily Reading - For Today

"When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere." Francois de La Rochefoucould Surely something, someone can fix me. A little this, a little that, a new combination, a new person or place, a new goal. Can you fix me? The question, in a thousand different guises, is still asked. The wise person answers, 'I would if I could, my friend, but - as it is for me - the problem is within.' It is not the weather, the dog, the neighbors, my house, my spouse or lack of spouse, my job or lack of one; it is within me. Nothing on the outside changes that. When I m feeling bad about myself, I can put the blame on anything and everything. When I am feeling good about myself, I accept all things that make up my life on the outside. For today: I am completely honest in taking stock of myself so I can learn why i feel as I do about myself.

So

It appears we may be breaking up. • He have CHOSEN to not be with his “girlfriend” on his birthday. I’ve never heard of such a thing • I offered over and over – what play would he like to see (as a gift from me, because he likes to go to Broadway plays). I even sent some suggestions. He said there's nothing out there that he wants to see. That he's looked. • But then decided or at least thought about (does he have the ticket yet?) going to one on his own! Not letting me take him. Not inviting me to go with him. NOT wanting to go with me. • WANTING to go alone. On his BIRTHDAY. He, who proclaim to be in a close, loving, exclusive relationship with long-range plans. • And told Jo - his dear female friend, closest friend to him in my opinion, whom he used to date, by the way. • But not me! • He did say to me, “I have absolutely no plans. In fact, so-and-so (a male friend of his, whom I know) called me and asked what I’m doing and I said, ‘Absolutely nothing.’ (Didn’t he think that strange, since you have a ‘girlfriend?’ Or did this not happen at all?) So maybe I’ll go out with him.’” • The lie is the worst of it. Make no mistake -it’s all bad. But the lie is the worst. • I referred 3 times last night, before I knew that, to being surprised that he didn’t want to see me on his birthday. EVERYONE’S assumption was that he would, OF COURSE! Another male friend, with whom we spoke together the other night, even said on the phone to us (in a 3-way conversation) that he thought we’d go away for the 3 days we are BOTH off, and was jealous (3 of L's SIX days off!). He avoided it twice, and the third time actually answered, like he was hearing me express feelings about something unrelated to him, like something at work, and he was so detached, “Yeah. Well.” And that was supposed to be the end of it. Wow. So I have told him that I was uncomfortable bringing it up, but had to. That I felt very bad about this. That I was surprised, disappointed, and hurt. That he has a right to his feelings, lack of feelings, whatever. But that wanting and expecting to talk with me every morning and evening, and see me every weekend, and sleep with me every weekend, and make plans for the future, does not match with this. That he hasn't earned that level of closeness. He was nice, I must admit. Very little defensiveness. Seemed surprised and confused. Said he was NOT trying to make me feel this way...Offered to spend more time with me this weekend. I said, "I do not ask men to spend more time with me. It would have been nice if you'd WANTED to. But you don't. And that's FINE. It just doesn't match with the level of closeness you purport and expect from me." I don't know if he'll even call again. I slept for under 4 hours last night, and awakened before 4 am fully expecting to see an email from him, but there was none. IF he does call, I will not chat. I will say I need him to figure out his TRUTH and explain it to me. Or don't call. Thank you for listening.