Feelings

I feel: Worried about money and the J situation. Kind of realistically resolved to the realities of it. Grateful for so much, including my day with my mother yesterday. Nervous about work but grateful for it too. Grateful for L. Time-crunched but also grateful. Do differently: Exercise every single day. Do ALL my spiritual stuff, every single day. (Except less when at L's overnight). 5 good things about me: 1. I am giving 2. I am brave 3. I am strong 4. I am ethical 5. I am warm

Readings

For Today: He that is too secure is not safe. Thomas Fuller Whether I have been abstinent twelve hours or twelve years, I never have it made. Today's recovery is all I have. A compulsive overeater who has had any kind of dieting career knows all too well how suddenly all the wonderful plans can come crashing down. The one-day-at-a-time philosophy of Overeaters Anonymous is insurance against complacency. It guards against my projecting anything beyond this twenty-four hours. I know I am abstinent today, but I cannot tell what I will do tomorrow. That is the attitude that keeps me gratefully abstinent. For today: I am sure only of this day's abstinence. I have no need to plan tomorrow's abstinence or weight loss. [--Wow - I really needed this one--] -- Voices of Recovery "Nothing tastes as good as abstinence feels." For Today p. 154 Before OA, I evaluated what I put into my mouth only by how good it looked and how good it would taste. I still catch myself yearning and reaching for yummy items. One of the best reminders for me is that 'nothing tastes as good as abstinence feels.' Years ago, before OA, a friend said this to me, but I never connected it to our program until i read it in my first OA year. Today, I know that immediate gratification is not the answer for me. Abstinence means exercise and sticking with the food plan that works for me. It gives me clarity, a sense of well-being, and the feeling that I am following God's will. Using the telephone and writing my feelings keeps me on track. Sponsoring is easier and more fun when I'm abstinent and working with my sponsor. God, grant me the willingness to make healthy choices not only in the food I eat but also in my relationships, in my loving, and in my caring for others who are still suffering. -- In This Moment, I am whole. I am one with the universe. I am a complete being. I reach to connect with my Higher Power. I wish to know my soul's aspirations. I feel strength from within to heal from within. I know another human being will not complete me. My Higher Power completes me. I am whole. I am one. I am worthy of love. -- The Language of Letting Go Honest Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Step Five of Al-Anon Talking opening and honestly to another person about ourselves, in an attitude that reflects self-responsibility, is critical to recovery. It's important to admit what we have done wrong to others and to ourselves. Verbalize our beliefs and our behaviors. Get our resentments and fears out in the open. That's how we release our pain. That's how we release old beliefs and feelings. That's how we are set free. The more clear and specific we can be with our Higher Power, ourselves, and another person, the more quickly we will experience that freedom. Step Five is an important part of the recovery process. For those of us who have learned to keep secrets from ourselves and others, it is not just a step - it is a leap toward becoming healthy. Today I will remember that it's okay to talk about the issues that bother me. It is by sharing my issues that I will grow beyond them. I will also remember that it's okay to be selective about those in whom I confide. I can trust my instincts and choose someone who will not use my disclosures against me, and who will give me healthy feedback. ==

Affirmations

I am good enough. I am enough. I am wonderful. My life is wonderful. All is perfect! There is a God!

Gratitudes

I am grateful: 1. I am grateful that L. is on the phone right now. 2. I am grateful that I’ve come to love his voice. 3. I’m glad he’s a scientist. 4. And knows so much. 5. And is so smart. 6. I am enormously grateful that I am “in love.” Not expecting more of it. May be temporary. May be infatuation. Either way, it’s wonderful. 7. And that *** I feel good about my body! It’s because: 1) I’m losing weight. 2) It’s light out later and that makes me feel good 3) It’s lighter clothes weather and I feel good walking around plus I look better that way and one thing aides the other 4) L. appreciates my breasts, my curves, my “femininity,” my “girliness.” 8. I feel good in my skin now. I mean physically. My SKIN feels good. I even like touching it. 9. Shoes. I’m glad I FINALLY have nice shoes. I remember when, at the top of my profession, I would literally hide my feet from my principal. Hide them under my clothes as sitting on floor with kids when she would walk in. 10. That L. has his own house. 11. And his own job. 12. And his own savings. 13. And his own retirement plan. 14. He does not need me. 15. That I MAY not ever need financial help from anyone. Won’t get it; wouldn’t ask for it anyway; just want to not need it. 16. That my mother is alive for Mother’s Day today. 17. That I have a car. 18. And despite the prices, that I’m able to keep enough gas in it to use it for the things I need! 19. And actually, some things that wouldn’t officially be counted as need. 20. Bathing suits. I hate the thought of myself in one lol, but I’m glad they exist. 21. Being open-minded about things of which I’m not sure. Like communication after death…Just open-minded. 22. I can be my best self! I’m so grateful for this! 23. ****** And that I appreciate living! To have felt I wanted to die, and to feel this now. I mean, it’s hard to even write that I wanted to die. 24. Intelligent conversations. 25. London. 26. That I was there under 2 months ago. 27. Alone! 28. That I had such a wonderful time. 29. And a safe flight 30. Both ways. Thank God. Or the fates…Luck…Whatever. 31. That St called the other night 32. And M and I had dinner last night. 33. And mine included spinach. 34. My eye drops. Thank God that they exist, and that I can afford them. 35. Through my hard work. 36. Fax machines 37. Colleges 38. Universities 39. Kisses. 40. Virtually all kisses. 41. But especially L’s kisses. I do believe there is not and never has been anything like them in the world. 42. That I’m alive to experience all of this. 43. The four girls sitting in a square in L’s driveway last night. So sweet. Something so innocent. 44. That he sent me the photo of it. 45. The flowers I sent him yesterday because he’s been sick! 46. And the photos he sent me of them. 47. Movies. In the theater. 48. Practicing piano today. And it was a good practice. 49. And yesterday. And it was a great practice yesterday. 50. Bach. 51. That I AM going to play in that concert (recital) for O: my teacher and my friend. Well, at least I think I am: ) 52. Walking. For walking’s sake. 53. Fruit. 54. The influence of L, on my eating. 55. My eye drops. 56. Joan & Melissa show, of all things 57. Stories about ghosts. Interesting stuff. 58. L. sounding tired right now. Maybe he’ll FINALLY sleep. 59. That I have a kitchen 60. That I do not have leukemia 61. That I probably have more time to live. 62. Music 63. My new little stereo 64. That L. shared with me about that doll event from when he was little. 65. That he even said I’m one of very FEW people he’s EVER told. 66. L’s pre-sentience about his mother’s accidents etc. 67. That he just shared them with me. 68. His sense of humor. 69. My own psychic experiences 70. Especially the two big ones 71. That I have health 72. That I am able to eat. 73. And on my own. 74. Emerald green 75. Emeralds 76. That I even own a couple of cheap ones 77. Affirmations 78. Prayers 79. Exercise 80. Whole-grain pasta 81. Vegetables 82. Spinach with garlic 83. That I don’t have any broken bones. 84. That soon this bullcrap with J will be over 85. Sanctuaries for the innocents 86. That M should be having a good Mother’s Day today 87. That I do not have alopecia 88. That I can see 89. That I can speak 90. That I can hear 91. My hands 92. Water. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water. 93. Squirrels 94. White squirrels 95. Black squirrels 96. Reddish squirrels 97. Gray squirrels 98. This laptop. Use of this (work) laptop. 99. The desktops in the classroom. 100. The East Village in Manhattan.

For Today: "Will cannot be quenched against its will." Dante Alighieri Willingness. There is no other key to this program. To receive the gift of abstinence I need to be one hundred percent willing. "But i AM willing," I said many a time. "Haven't I suffered through all those diets? I definitely want to be thin; i hate being fat." Alas, it is not enough to want to be rid of the unpleasant side effects of any illness. I need to be willing to give up that which attracts me in the first place: the gratification, sedation or whatever other payoff I get for practicing my compulsion. For today: I surrender everything that compulsive overeating means to me, trusting God to put something incomparable better in its place. -- Voices of Recovery "Looking back at how far we've come, many of us have been tempted to think we've arrived at the end of the journey." OA 12 &12 p. 100 Compulsive eating is an insidious disease. Many of the attitudes and beliefs we've clung to are also faulty and insidious. We always have to be on the lookout for them. One of those attitudes is that we've finally arrived at recovery for good. Then we think we can slack off on taking all the actions that got us to this wonderful point in the first place; we don't attend as many meetings as we used to:; we don't make as many phone calls or have a sponsor or give as much service as before; we may think we don't need to plan our food anymore or be as rigorously honest about it as we were; we many think that we don't need to keep studying and living the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to the best of our ability. WE cannot rest on our laurels because in OA there are no laurels. There is only today, and only the actions we take for our program today determine how recovered we really are. -- In This Moment In This Moment, I comfort myself. I was a lonely child. My parents couldn't give me the lvoe I needed. I've been lonely ever since, desperately grasping at others to fill that void. It was very painful, u til i learned new behaviors in CoDA. Now when I'm sad, lonely, or scared, I do something different. I reach within. I hug my pillow and talk to myself the way I wish my mother had talked tome. i feel comforted. -- Perfection Many of us picked on ourselves unmercifully before recovery. WE may also have a tendency to pick on ourselves after we begin recovery. "If I was REALLY recovering, i wouldn't be doing THAT again. . ." "I should be further along than I am." These are sentiments that we indulge in when we're feeling shame. We don't need to treat ourselves that way. There is no benefit. Remember, shame blocks us. But self-love and acceptance enable us to grow and change. If we truly hae done something we feel guilty about, we can correct it with an amend and an attitude of self-acceptance and love. Even if we slip back to our old, codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we do not need to be ashamed. We all regress from time to time. That's how we learn and grow. Relapse, or recycling, is an important and necessary part of recovery. And the way out of recycling is not by shaming ourselves. That leads us deeper into codependency. Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way: Perfection is being who and where we are today; it's accerpting and loving ourselves just as we are. We are each right whher we need to be in our recovery. Today, I will love and accept myself for who I am and where I ma in my recovery process. I am right where I need to be to get to where I'm going tomorrow. ==

Affirmations

I am a good and wonderful person. God loves me. God created me. L. "loves" me. I am womanly. I have beautiful breasts. I feel like a woman again! Life is fabulous. Life is perfect. God is good to me. The universe is taking perfect care of me.

Feelings Work

I feel: overwhelmed a little by M's intenseness and fast-talking this morning my deep breath just now happy that I've beautiful cards and have been sending them to L. happy that he appreciates them worried a bit about L with this high fever and refusal to go to dr. stomach butterflies about the money thing with J scared about how I am going to get all this house work done. I don't know how! Keep saying to self, "If I went to London alone, I can do this." Please God. 5 good things about me: 1. I have good hair 2. I have beautiful eyes 3. I help people meditate 4. I am self-honest 5. I am smart, thank God.