Readings

For Today: "How seek the way which leadeth to our wishes? By renouncing our wishes. The crown of excellence I renunciation." Hafiz Divan How I struggle to get what I want? Where is that perfect friend, mate, child I so hoped for? What can i do to attain the prestige, power, money and success i feel i deserve Here, took their OA program shows me the answer: Thought I may think I want all these things, what I really want is to be at peace with myself. No person, possession or acclaim can do that for me. OA's suggestion is: Let go your wishes, turn them over to your Higher Power to grant or not as God sees fit. An immediate result of renouncing my wishes is that I stop thinking about them. i live in the moment, giving the best thought I am capable of to each task that comes to hand. For today: I have complete faith that, as I turn over what I want, God will give me what I need. -- Voices of Recovery: "At the very first meeting we attended, we learned that we were in the clutches of a dangerous illness, and that willpower, emotional health, and self-confidence, which some of us had once possessed, were no defense against it." OA second edition, p. 1 The only defense I have against the disease of compulsive overeating is a spiritual one. After years in the program, after weight loss, after learning and practicing healthy eating habits, after discovering better ways to react to life's changes. I must continue to search for and accept guidance from a Higher Power. How many times have I fallen for the mistaken notion that after a few days or months of successful eating and living. I can again take charge of my life? I've learned the hard way, by successful relapses and humiliations, that no matter how much better I look, act, or feel, God must always be in charge of my life. My continued recovery depends on the emotional maintenance and growth of my spiritual condition. That hasn't changed from the day i set foot in my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and it never will. -- In This Moment: In This Moment, I'm envious. I hate it when I feel envy and I was just feeling it tonight. I feel tightness in my throat and there's a knot inside my chest. I called my sponsor to talk about this flaw. Talking with her diffuses the power of the envy and I'm able to own up to it. now, I'm entirely ready to ask God to remove this character defect. -- The Language of Letting Go: Giving Ourselves What We Deserve I worked at a good job, making a decent salary. I had been recovering for years. Each morning, I got into my car and I thanked God for the car. The heater didn't work. And the chance of the car not starting was almost as great as the chance that it would. i just kept suffering through, and thanking God. One day, it occurred to me that there was absolutely no good reason I couldn't buy myself a new car - that moment - if i wanted one. I had been gratitude-ing myself into unnecessary deprivation and martyrdom. I bought the new car - that day. Anonymous Often, our instinctive reaction to something we want or need is, "No! I can't afford it!" The question we can learn to ask ourselves is, "But, can I?" Many of us have learned to habitually deprive ourselves of anything we might want, and often things we need. Sometimes, we can misuse the concept of gratitude to keep ourselves unnecessarily deprived. Gratitude for what we have is an important recovery concept. So is believing we deserve the best and making nan effort to stop depriving ourselves and start treating ourselves well. there is nothing wrong with buying ourselves what we want when we can afford to do that. learn to trust and listen to yourself about what you want. There's nothing wrong with buying yourself a treat, buying yourself something NEW. There are times when it is good to wait. There are times when we legitimately cannot afford a luxury. But there are many times when we can. Today, I will combine the principles of gratitude for what I have with the belief that I deserve the best. if there is no good reason to deprive myself, I won't. ==

Oh, My Gratitudes!

I am so grateful: 1. M on the phone this morning 2. That we shared something we’re going through. It was important that we both hear what the other is going through 3. “KissMorning” – L’s morning email greeting to me today 4. Orgasms 5. God in my life 6. And now it’s Sunday. And I am so grateful for L. being here. 7. And that yesterday was, to me, our best date ever. 8. That he came here and had bought (but I paid, of course) a “boom box” for me. 9. Except it isn’t – it’s 4 pieces! 10. And speaker HAVE come a long way! And they sound good! 11. And it has a sub-woofer. 12. And he’d unpacked it at home and brought the components here in bags 13. And we kissed and kissed when he got here. We were both so happy that he was here! 14. I’d thought he’d want to get out right away, and was willing to FOR HIM. And I’m grateful for that. 15. But he didn’t – and I’m grateful for that too! 16. I’d also thought we should set up the stereo so that we could get out, but also so that we would have something to do at night before bed, because it has seemed that he usually wants…. 17. I was wrong! Yay! 18. The amazing music! 19. Music from his CDs 20. And the radio 21. And his ipod 22. And MY CDs (that he made for me) 23. And L – with symphony orchestral music playing – PICKING IT OUT ON THE PIANO! Both hands – chords and all – without every having touched those before! 24. Us going to that nearby city and having a great time at the exclusive mall 25. And an even better time at the lower scaled mall 26. And our specialty beer date 27. And dinner 28. And our private sharing when he asked about my therapy visit Wed after last weekend and the “problems” 29. And the QUICK talk we had 30. And we became yet closer 31. And the kissing 32. An entire weekend of kissing. 33. And caressing. 34. And tenderness. 35. And beautiful words of sort of adoration. 36. He treated me like a goddess. 37. The touches on the very sensitive parts of my neck and nearby. 38. And knees 39. And toes 40. And scalp 41. And thighs 42. The impulsive kneel-down-move-my-robe-away-and-suck-my-breast move. Oh. 43. It was all heaven. 44. Our computer etc. time together. 45. Last night, he was on couch, unwinding because too tired to change for bed…And I felt worried, disappointed and upset. But I said a couple of words and that was all. And tried to accept 46. And shortly, he came in 47. And he was in bed all night, sleeping! 48. His water. Quadruple filtered, ozonated, with those little citrusy tasting drops. I’ve never had such amazing water. 49. That he DOES drive here. 50. And stay over. 51. That mouth of his. I LOVE looking at it. 52. That I do love 20th century music. 53. And am practicing my more traditional classical music again 54. And exercises 55. The phrase “viewed from the moon” 56. That I shared it, through L, just now, with Jo, who is stressing 57. That time when L. told S and J about HIMSELF doing the 100 grats, for the first time ever, while I counted, and S said, “How long did that take?” And L replied, “I was holding Lynn in my arms; there was no time.” 58. That time when I was about to leave for London, and S was going on about trivia on the phone with L, and L said, “S! I won’t talk to Lynn for 9 days! I’m hanging up now to go talk to her!” 59. Listening to Coast to Coast together today! 60. The words he said as leaving 61. And him calling me immediately upon getting home 62. And he’s out right now with J and S 63. And I was there for M, emotionally, this evening 64. ***I felt so relaxed today, I have NEVER felt as relaxed except after a week with Thich Nhat Hanh. Not quite, but never as. Oh my Lord. 65. Prayer 66. Thank you prayers 67. That we said my Community of Mindfulness “grace” before eating our lunch yesterday 68. That he loves when I serve him and 69. What I serve him 70. And that he serves me when I’m there 71. And I’m getting given a ginormous orgasm next weekend. Yay. 72. I. am. Grateful. That. I. love. Him. 73. And that I will be exercising this week. 74. And forever 75. That I did offer my day to God. 76. The first thing L. called me this weekend was “My love.” 77. And the second was “Darling. 78. Smores Luna bars 79. That all Luna bars are vegan. 80. The tv show: The New Adventures of Old Christine. I enjoy it, plus it makes me feel good. 81. Good quality guacamole. 82. Like that we had last night. 83. Girlie beers. Belgian, fruity. So I can enjoy some beers. I do NOT like regular beers. 84. Sleep 85. That I’m planning to get enough tonight 86. That L. always goes over our time together, at night in bed. Like, “First we…then we saw the…” Such detail. Such delight. 87. That I am happy. 88. I was so happy yesterday with the music, that I cried. 89. And I was so happy today, with L. and the music, that I cried. Dvorjak made me cry. First time I’ve ever had that happen. And the crying was over HAPPINESS – omg. 90. That I’m alive 91. That I’m healthy 92. That L is healthy 93. That my mother is doing so well 94. That maybe J will be fair with me 95. Affirmations 96. That the universe really IS good and good enough and wonderful and perfect 97. That I FEEL well 98. That I can enjoy my sexuality. 99. And that is we cannot have intercourse, or cannot for now, it’s still SO – MORE THAN worth it! 100. That I know that. 101. That I hope he does too, and think he might. 102. EJ 103. Birdie 104. JJ 105. That I am able to be with somebody who appreciates ME. My nerdiness, everything! SO MUCH BETTER THAN being with somebody who just doesn't, and always feeling not good enough, or wishing could change, or even pretending... Thank you, God, for everything.

Affirmations

Life is good Life is all powerful Life is full and rich and happy and safe. I am full and rich and happy and safe. I have enough. I am enough. All is well. God is all good. God is taking perfect care of me. The Universe is mine. And all of ours. We are one. I am happy. All is perfect! I have a perfect life!

Feelings Work

I feel: Nervous about whether I am a good enough teacher GRATEFUL for so MUCH! Physically so much better. Grateful for God. Grateful for God in my life. A bit nervous about, but also grateful for L. 5 good things about me: 1. I am open-minded 2. I am open-hearted 3. I am taking so much better care of myself 4. I type so quickly 5. I am pretty Well, pretty enough

Grats

I am grateful: 1. That I have been bowling 2. That I am alive 3. That I am more accepting life on life’s terms 4. Maura 5. M 6. MA 7. ML 8. S 9. St 10. O 11. Ma 12. Jo 13. JA 14. SS 15. L 16. Self 17. Doctor 18. Two hour important therapy yesterday 19. Exercise 20. Tomatoes 21. Hummus 22. Whole grain bread 23. Thai greens last night 24. And felt better right away from eating them 25. Doing gratitudes 26. Breathing well today. 27. And actually, usually. 28. My eyesight! 29. My students’ response to the Helen Keller book! 30. And – to the Annie Sullivan story!! 31. Two preps today. I need them: ) 32. French 33. L will stay here this weekend 34. My body felt so good last night! 35. My skin feels good right now 36. Sleep 37. My hands 38. And all they do for me. Including typing 39. And Reiki 40. And hugs 41. And touches 42. And driving 43. That my thumb is good right now 44. That I can walk 45. That I got to go to that Seder this year. I loved that. 46. B, and the help she did give me. 47. My thumb exercises. 48. And that I’m still doing them 49. I am grateful for my home 50. I am grateful for my grass 51. I am grateful for my trees 52. Especially the big old oak tree out front 53. And the Norway Maple out back 54. And that I sit UNDER it in summer 55. Summer off! 56. My sponsor 57. My feet 58. Shoes 59. Heat 60. A/c 61. Faucets 62. Stone 63. My stone steps 64. The computer 65. Texting 66. Cell phone 67. Email 68. Nice red wine 69. Wine with a long finish 70. Sweet Belgian beer – “girlie beers” lol 71. Things coming more clearly to me now 72. Talking to God 73. Listening to. Trying to, anyway 74. Every moment of sanity 75. My sponsor saying, “Get down on your knees and talk to God. And say, ‘Thank you, that I have one moment of sanity. That I can combat this disease.’” 76. My bills are paid. Thank God for that. 77. L’s kisses. Oh how I love them. 78. Showers 79. Baths 80. Soap 81. Bubble bath. What luxuries! 82. Lamps 83. Electricity 84. Bulbs 85. I am truly grateful for these things. And I am grateful that I am grateful for them 86. Throw pillows. I love my throw pillows. 87. And that I picked them out, brought them home, and paid for them by myself. Through all the phobias. 88. I was in a tunnel again Sat. night. And I was fine! Oh thank you, God. 89. If it isn’t raining, I shall take a walk today. 90. My sponsor’s image of a mountain. It is steep. I have to do anything I can to hold on. If I stop holding on, I slip back. 91. Sponsor: “I can give in to the crazy disease, or I can just think about how lucky I am.” 92. L and I having been able to talk through the big thing(s). Thank God. 93. My gorgeous l.r. area rug. 94. The word awesome. In its true meaning. God and His power are awesome. 95. Books 96. Bookshelves 97. Lessons I learn from my students 98. Leaves on all the trees. So beautiful 99. That beautiful road along the park, on which I drive every day on the way home from work 100. And so many other times too.

Readings

For Today: "Nothing has more strength than dire necessity." Euripides "Rock bottom is a place where change becomes a dire necessity. i must change or die The strength of that necessity drove me to Overeaters Anonymous, pried open my closed mind and let in visions of a life beyond my wildest imaginings. today, my admission of powerlessness is the dire necessity that gives me the strength I need to go on living and functioning as a responsible, contributing meember of siciety. i am abstinent, I work the twelve-step program of recovery as well as I can each day, I go to meetings and I stay in touch with OA members. For today: Nothing gives me more strength than abstinence. it is the number One necessity in my life. -- Voices of Recovery: "Each group has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to the compulsive overeater who still suffers." Tradition Five "After ten years in OA, I had experienced a sixty-pound weight loss. But now I was in relapse - no meetings, no phone calls, no calls from others. Then one day two OA friends suggested that I bring drinks to unity Day. I hesitated but said I would do it, hoping that I would forget over the next few weeks. But I didn't forget, and being 'Miss Responsibility.' I did what I said I would do. At the meeting I didn't want to share, but a game led me to discuss the Fifth Tradition. I cried and shared about my relapse and the two friends who had called me and brought me back to OA. I have been abstinent, in recovery, and doing service ever since that day. I am most grateful to those two OA friends and encourage others not to forget the folks we haven't seen for awhile. We need them, and they may need us. -- In This Moment: "In This Moment, I am. I exist. I am no longer a cringing shadow in the corner. I am substantial. i have a presence. I have personality, character, and personal style. i matter. I am free to be me, up front and in the open. I am an integral part of the universe. I am needed. i am here to fulfill my purpose on this earth. i am unique. i am precious. I am me." -- The Language of Letting Go "Freedom from Self-Seeking Please free my thinking of self-will, self-seeking, dishonesty, and wrong motives." paraphrased from Alcoholics Anonymous "There is a difference between owning our power to take care of ourselves, as part of God's will for our life, and self-will. There is a difference between self-care and self-seeking. And our behaviors are not as much subject to criticism as are the motives underlying them. There is a harmonic, gentle, timely feeling to owning our power, to self-care, and to acts with healthy motives that are not present in self-will and self-seeking. We will learn discernment. But we will not always know the difference. Sometimes, we will feel guilty and anxious with no need. We may be surprised at the loving way God wants us to treat ourselves We can trust that self-care is always appropriate. We want to be free of self-will and self-seeking, but we are always free to take care of ourselves. God, please guide my motives today, and keep me on Your path. Help me love myself, and others too. Help me understand that more often than not, those two ideas are connected." ==

My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. That I am not seriously ill. I am home sick today, and it is a reminder of how overall healthy I really am. I am so grateful for that. 2. Shoes. That I have shoes. 3. That I get along so well with L. 4. That I will deal with whatever comes. 5. L’s kisses. They have brought me so much pleasure. 6. Whole grain English muffins 7. That I have a home 8. And heat. Remember when I didn’t. 9. That it is a house, all to myself. Remember when I couldn’t afford at all 10. That I have enough food. I am “fighting” an eating disorder of overeating, not starving to death. 11. That my sponsor is back. I missed my sponsor while was away! 12. That I have some ideas for this weekend when L comes here. 13. Tv 14. My talk with S the other night. It helped me, indirectly L, and us. It was very generous of S. 15. That I am devotedly doing my spiritual work again now. 16. And – starting my exercise program today! 17. That I have all the medicines I need. 18. That I do pray for others. 19. EJ! 20. Birdie! 21. JJ! 22. That I think I’ve learned my lesson again about NOT skipping my spiritual work! 23. That Sponsor says this fall-back and recommitment happens to EVERYBODY! 24. That L writes music reviews for a professional publication. I know he enjoys doing so, plus it is good for his brain, plus it is good for the readers because his reviews are honestly brilliant, plus *I * love reading them. 25. My job 26. That I’m usually good enough or better at it. 27. That I take it seriously. 28. The children’s reactions yesterday to the story about Annie Sullivan I told them after the Helen Keller reading yesterday 29. M helping me with the sub plans this morning. 30. That I am there for her too. 31. Books 32. Reading 33. That I am helping children with literacy 34. Smart people 35. People who try 36. Nice people. Good people. Honest people 37. My pink tulips in the gorgeous vase that was a gift from a cherished student, on the d.r. table. 38. Concerts 39. IFC movies 40. Regular movies 41. Entertainment 42. Theater 43. Musicals. Finally, I seem to appreciate musicals. 44. Museums 45. My piano 46. Exercise 47. Tea. Hot tea. 48. Coffee for the mornings 49. Prayer 50. Daily meditation booklets 51. My breath. I am so thankful to be able to breathe on my own. 52. That I don’t have diabetes. 53. That I don’t have cancer. 54. Beautiful trees (and I think ALL trees are beautiful). 55. Every good moment I ever had with J. 56. Jo, our computer tech, who was so there for me during my hardest times. 57. That I date now. 58. That I am caring less and less what others think of me. 59. That I started to feel more centered already when speaking with my Sponsor this am. 60. Clocks and watches. 61. Soft fluffy flip-flops. 62. That I put that wonderful card in the mail for L yesterday 63. Prayer 64. Being with K at the scoring day Friday 65. Amazing lessons I gave yesterday. 66. How my dear students responded 67. That I’m okay. I’m okay. 68. My father 69. His idealism 70. That it rubbed off on me. 71. Noble causes 72. Everything I do to help innocent animals. 73. Love quotes. Including I will bring you a whole person and you will ring me a whole person and we will have twicea s much of love aand everything. Mari Evans 74. And The purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completenesss. Neale Donald Walsch And Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward. E.E. Cummings And this cute little funny one: Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward. E.E. Cummings And To love would be an awfully big adventure. J.M. Barrie And Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. Dalai Lama And A: The soul wanders in the dark, until it finds love. And so, wherever our love goes, there we find our soul. Q: It always happens? A: if we’re lucky. And if we let ourselves be lind. Q: instead of watching out? A: Instead of always watching out. Mary Zimmerman 75. And Love is the way. Thich Nhat Hanh And Darkness cannot drive out darkness ; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate ; only love can do that. Martin Luther King And If you judge people, you have no time to love them. Mother Teresa. May I live by it still more. And this romantic infatuation one: There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment. Sarah Dessen 76. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Laozi 77. Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love. 78. Mother Teresa 79. Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. 80. Anais Nin 81. Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. Alfred Lord Tennyson 82. The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space. 83. Marilyn Monroe 84. You’re the one who is weak. You will never now love or friendship. And I feel sorry for you. 85. J.K. Rowling 86. Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love. Rainer Maria Rilke 87. Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold. Zelda Fitzgerald 88. Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold. Zelda Fitzgerald And this very hopeful one: When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it…always. Mahatma Gandhi 89. So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you. Paulo Coelho 90. So faith, hope, and love, abide these three. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 91. Love doesn’t just sit there like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new. Ursula K. Le Guin 92. I sought to hear the voice of God and climbed the topmost steeple, but God declared: "Go down again - I dwell among the people.” John Henry Newman 93. Le Coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne sait non = The heart has its reasons which reason knows not Blaise Pascal 94. Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness. Bertrand Russell 95. I’m on Aslan’s side even if there isn’t any Aslan to lead it. I’m going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn’t any Narnia. C.S.Lewis 96. Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. Mother Teresa 97. Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for he loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained. C.S. Lewis 98. If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain. Emily Dickinson 99. Love is a better master than duty. Albert Einstein 100. Once upon a time, a boy with moonlight in his eyes Put his hand in mine and said he loved me so Lyrics by Lee Adams