Affirmations

God made me I am good enough I did the best I could with what I had and what I knew then. God made me I am good enough I did the best I could with what I had and what I knew then. God made me I am good enough I did the best I could with what I had and what I knew then.

Feelings Work

I feel: Depressed but not overwhelmingly Grateful that M called Sad Anxious in a good way, about the beginning of school Nervous about the emotional output of all these new relationships, uh oh. I think it is because: I haven't been doing my spiritual work. It is realistic and normal to feel "anniversaryish" about going back without J in my life to such an extent. I haven't had enough vegetables. Next time I will do differently. Take care of myself for this 24 hours! 5 Good Things about Me: 1. I have never fully given up 2. I am able to laugh and enjoy with people 3. I was patient and didn't confront L when I felt upset the other day. And that worked out GREAT! 4. I am affectionate 5. I am sexual

Gratitudes

I am grateful for all this and more: 1. That I can walk through my house 2. That L is so affectionate with me lately 3. And with his words to me not just his touches 4. Sitcoms. I wish I didn’t need them, but I do 5. That I am alive. It is the first school year I’ve ever started since 1986, without J. I mean, last year, he wasn’t living here, but it wasn’t until December that he said divorce is inevitable. I wouldn’t have thought I could live until now. And almost didn’t. 6. That I woke up in time. Early even. Too early lol, but better that than late. 7. That Jo and I are becoming friends 8. M 9. MA 10. ML 11. St 12. That my mother is home from the hospital. 13. That I came home from my weekend away to get her there. That I did the right thing. 14. I don’t think I’ll swim in the ocean again. It was probably stupid. Considering those waves, and the fact that I can’t really swim. But – so many(!) gratitudes from my time in the water. Like, that I got to do that with L. 15. And experience those smooth bumpy waves. 16. And live through the tricky problems from the big ones. Oh boy. 17. And the feeling of jumping them with L. 18. And him showing me how. 19. And me feeling so happy. 20. Both those two days. 21. And reading my book on the chair. 22. And that he even BRINGS a chair for me. 23. And managing to change clothes on the beach 24. That S and Jo held the blanket up for me 25. And the time before, when L did 26. The powder-like sand 27. Little H helping me too 28. That those people alerted the lifeguard when I was in trouble 29. That I have been sending cards to Ma, who lost her son tragically this summer 30. I am grateful for hope. Any amount, whenever I have it. Even this morning. 31. I am grateful for my job. 32. I am grateful for email. 33. I am grateful for telephones. 34. And that I have AND my friends/family have too. 35. I am grateful for J. Yup, really. 36. I am grateful for Scrabble. 37. I am grateful for prayer. 38. The amazing, beautiful poem L. wrote for me and sent me yesterday. 39. Texting 40. And that I do NOT do it while driving! 41. That there was no 1-hour delay the last TWO times I drove to L. 42. Relief from depression, every time I have it. 43. Daily meditation readings 44. Reiki. 45. That I gave it to L Sunday morning, at his request because of his pain and fear 46. That he felt things being lifted, again. 47. And that it gave ME such peace! What a lovely and unexpected reward! 48. That M is settled in her house. I’m so happy for her. 49. And that her daughters love it so much. 50. Broadway 51. Movies 52. Concerts 53. That I have seen/heard Yo Yo Ma in person 54. And touched the hand of Nana Mouskouri 55. And chatted with Peter, Paul and Mary 56. I am scared. And I am grateful for prayer to help me through. Now I am going to stop writing grats and go pay those bills! 57. That I just did some of the bill paying. I am out of money and have A LOT more to pay; that has never happened to me before. But I am grateful that I did what I could, and will make calls today for the rest. 58. That I have done all I can about it for this morning. 59. That I realized the other day, that I MUST put all my faith, hope, life, in God; not L, not J, not any relationship, not any other man. 60. That I am doing the readings today. Thank God 61. That I prayed this morning 62. That my sponsor shared with me about praying when having trouble doing something, like bills. 63. That I exercised for ½ hour yesterday! 64. The DVD I used 65. Mindfulness 66. Mindfulness meditation 67. That I wrote to J about money. 68. That I have hope about money. 69. That I can save as soon as I get all this shit in order. Oh God. Oh well. At least I can. 70. That I have food 71. And a roof. 72. And a sponsor, if is still talking to me. 73. L. last night in bed on the phone, playing the guess-the-theme-song-from-the-tv-shows-from-our-childhood game with me: ) 74. I am grateful, so grateful, that I do not have a dread disease. 75. For the friendship I used to have with C 76. That my mother gave me nice words about my teaching ability yesterday 77. That I will treat these new students today, as the innocents they are. 78. Laughter. 79. That my legs work. Especially with this hurt and swollen knee, I am reminded of how fortunate I am that my legs do work. 80. That I can see. 81. That I am not dying right now 82. That I have water. Especially since I bought water that appears to have been tampered with, I am so grateful for all the access to fresh, clean water that I DO have. 83. The sweetie little student I got to meet last week. What a doll! 84. That it seems she will be happy with me in class this year 85. My brain 86. My voice. I remember when I couldn’t physically speak for the better part of 8 months. So grateful that I can now. 87. And that J was such a great help and support and loving presence to me then. 88. And that because of that “problem,” I wound up meeting K. 89. And receiving Reiki. 90. And becoming Level I myself. 91. And later, Level II. 92. Every night I ever got to spend with John. 93. I am very, very sad this morning. Very sad. But I am grateful for all the moments of my life when I have not been sad. All the moments when I am not sad. 94. And that this sadness is not all-consuming depression. Not incapacitating. 95. That it will most probably lift, at least somewhat, when I get going to work today. 96. The example so many people have been to me. 97. That MA is probably having a nice time on her vacation right now. 98. That M just called 99. That I am on the phone with her now. 100. That she called Mi and asked him about his feelings yesterday. 101. And that I supported her in that 102. And even L. agreed too.

Today's Reading - The Language of Letting Go

Step Ten "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." Step Ten of Al-Anon Once we have worked our way to this Step, we can maintain and increase our self-esteem by regularly working Step Ten. This step incorporates the process we have gone through in Steps Four through Nine. We do not work this Step to punish ourselves or to hold ourselves under a constantly critical and demeaning microscope. We do it to maintain self-esteem and harmony in our relationship with ourselves and others. We do it to stay on track. When an issue or problem emerges and needs our attention, identify it and openly discuss it with at least one safe person and God. Accept it. Become willing to let go of it. Ask God to take it from us. Have a change of heart by the willingness to make whatever amend is called for - to do what is necessary to take care of ourselves. Take an appropriate action to resolve the matter. Then let go of the guilt and shame. This is a simple formula for taking care of ourselves. This is how we change. This is how we become changed. This is the process for healing and health. This is the process for achieving self-responsibility and self-esteem. The next time we do something that bothers us, the next time we feel off track or off course, we con't have to waste our time or energy feeling ashamed. We can take a Tenth Step. Let the process happen. And move on with our life. God, help me make this Step and other STeps a habitual way of responding to life and my issues. Help me know that I am free to live, to allow myself to fully experiment with and experience life. If I get off course, or if an issue arises that demands my attention, help me deal with it by using the Tenth Step.

Today's Reading - In This Moment

In This Moment, I'm entirely ready. I ask God to remove my self-righteousness. Even though I may be right much of the time, it's amazing how little my 'rightness' is appreciated by others. In many instances, I need to ask myself, "Would I rather be right or would I rather be happy?" More often that not, I can't have it both ways. Recently, after an aggravating situation at work, I prayed about Step Six. I was surprised to find the bitterness gone from my heart within a short time. i reviewed the situation - would the feelings return? When they didn't materialize, I expressed gratitude to my Higher Power. Why had I waited so long? It's so simple.

Today's Reading - Voices of Recovery

"Our Higher Power is the only source of help that is always available to us, always strong enough to lift us up and set our feet on the path of life." OA 12 & 12 p. 98 Bingeing, turning to others for comfort, and addictive behaviors were my ways of coping with life before OA. Now I'm reassured by trusting that twenty-four hours a day, in every situation, God is within me to lovingly guide and direct my life. The ability to maintain abstinence through the struggle of homelessness, the pain of emotional relapse, and the fear of financial insecurity are evidence to me of a power greater than myself. Daily practice of prayer and meditation allows direct conscious contact with this source of healing and strength. When self-will runs riot, or character defects flare up, I trust my Higher Power to lead me back to a path of sane living. In recovery I enjoy an intimate relationship with God; spiritual friends; family; OA fellowship; and a safe, secure home. I am grateful to be beyond food obsession and harmful behaviors. A joy I could only imagine in the past is mine today, with my Higher Power guiding my life.

Today's Reading - For Today

"The present time has one advantage over every other - it is our own." Charles Caleb Colton I have all the wealth in the world right now, in this moment, when I can live free of anxiety about the future and the pain of the past. There is power in the present moment. It has the strength and substance of reality, not the will-o'-the-wisp of illusion. When I live in the world as it is, one minute, one hour, one day at a time, I lose all thoughts of plans and blueprints. The present is mine today, and I claim it without hesitation. i open my mind, take leave of worry and free myself of all that keeps me from enjoying the beauty of the world. For today: Nothing that happened yesterday or that may happen tomorrow is more important than NOW.