Gratitudes

I am grateful for all this and more: 1. That I can walk through my house 2. That L is so affectionate with me lately 3. And with his words to me not just his touches 4. Sitcoms. I wish I didn’t need them, but I do 5. That I am alive. It is the first school year I’ve ever started since 1986, without J. I mean, last year, he wasn’t living here, but it wasn’t until December that he said divorce is inevitable. I wouldn’t have thought I could live until now. And almost didn’t. 6. That I woke up in time. Early even. Too early lol, but better that than late. 7. That Jo and I are becoming friends 8. M 9. MA 10. ML 11. St 12. That my mother is home from the hospital. 13. That I came home from my weekend away to get her there. That I did the right thing. 14. I don’t think I’ll swim in the ocean again. It was probably stupid. Considering those waves, and the fact that I can’t really swim. But – so many(!) gratitudes from my time in the water. Like, that I got to do that with L. 15. And experience those smooth bumpy waves. 16. And live through the tricky problems from the big ones. Oh boy. 17. And the feeling of jumping them with L. 18. And him showing me how. 19. And me feeling so happy. 20. Both those two days. 21. And reading my book on the chair. 22. And that he even BRINGS a chair for me. 23. And managing to change clothes on the beach 24. That S and Jo held the blanket up for me 25. And the time before, when L did 26. The powder-like sand 27. Little H helping me too 28. That those people alerted the lifeguard when I was in trouble 29. That I have been sending cards to Ma, who lost her son tragically this summer 30. I am grateful for hope. Any amount, whenever I have it. Even this morning. 31. I am grateful for my job. 32. I am grateful for email. 33. I am grateful for telephones. 34. And that I have AND my friends/family have too. 35. I am grateful for J. Yup, really. 36. I am grateful for Scrabble. 37. I am grateful for prayer. 38. The amazing, beautiful poem L. wrote for me and sent me yesterday. 39. Texting 40. And that I do NOT do it while driving! 41. That there was no 1-hour delay the last TWO times I drove to L. 42. Relief from depression, every time I have it. 43. Daily meditation readings 44. Reiki. 45. That I gave it to L Sunday morning, at his request because of his pain and fear 46. That he felt things being lifted, again. 47. And that it gave ME such peace! What a lovely and unexpected reward! 48. That M is settled in her house. I’m so happy for her. 49. And that her daughters love it so much. 50. Broadway 51. Movies 52. Concerts 53. That I have seen/heard Yo Yo Ma in person 54. And touched the hand of Nana Mouskouri 55. And chatted with Peter, Paul and Mary 56. I am scared. And I am grateful for prayer to help me through. Now I am going to stop writing grats and go pay those bills! 57. That I just did some of the bill paying. I am out of money and have A LOT more to pay; that has never happened to me before. But I am grateful that I did what I could, and will make calls today for the rest. 58. That I have done all I can about it for this morning. 59. That I realized the other day, that I MUST put all my faith, hope, life, in God; not L, not J, not any relationship, not any other man. 60. That I am doing the readings today. Thank God 61. That I prayed this morning 62. That my sponsor shared with me about praying when having trouble doing something, like bills. 63. That I exercised for ½ hour yesterday! 64. The DVD I used 65. Mindfulness 66. Mindfulness meditation 67. That I wrote to J about money. 68. That I have hope about money. 69. That I can save as soon as I get all this shit in order. Oh God. Oh well. At least I can. 70. That I have food 71. And a roof. 72. And a sponsor, if is still talking to me. 73. L. last night in bed on the phone, playing the guess-the-theme-song-from-the-tv-shows-from-our-childhood game with me: ) 74. I am grateful, so grateful, that I do not have a dread disease. 75. For the friendship I used to have with C 76. That my mother gave me nice words about my teaching ability yesterday 77. That I will treat these new students today, as the innocents they are. 78. Laughter. 79. That my legs work. Especially with this hurt and swollen knee, I am reminded of how fortunate I am that my legs do work. 80. That I can see. 81. That I am not dying right now 82. That I have water. Especially since I bought water that appears to have been tampered with, I am so grateful for all the access to fresh, clean water that I DO have. 83. The sweetie little student I got to meet last week. What a doll! 84. That it seems she will be happy with me in class this year 85. My brain 86. My voice. I remember when I couldn’t physically speak for the better part of 8 months. So grateful that I can now. 87. And that J was such a great help and support and loving presence to me then. 88. And that because of that “problem,” I wound up meeting K. 89. And receiving Reiki. 90. And becoming Level I myself. 91. And later, Level II. 92. Every night I ever got to spend with John. 93. I am very, very sad this morning. Very sad. But I am grateful for all the moments of my life when I have not been sad. All the moments when I am not sad. 94. And that this sadness is not all-consuming depression. Not incapacitating. 95. That it will most probably lift, at least somewhat, when I get going to work today. 96. The example so many people have been to me. 97. That MA is probably having a nice time on her vacation right now. 98. That M just called 99. That I am on the phone with her now. 100. That she called Mi and asked him about his feelings yesterday. 101. And that I supported her in that 102. And even L. agreed too.