Last night I went to coDA (codependents anonymous).
It was *so* for me.
Learned that every time I've been hysterical, it's been a reaction to something current that is REALLY A REACTION TO SOMETHING IN THE WAY PAST AND WHAT THAT "MEANS TO ME" INSIDE.
If only I'd known that before losing my beloved husband's love.
If only.

Two days ago, while leaving school (work), there was a ton of snow. A guy was about to back up. He could not see me. I thought, "Just lie down. Just lie down." And felt so calm about it. Like, "Yeah. Easy. Yes. Good."
Shit.
It was so real.
Only reason I didn't do it was because I got afraid that he would run me over and I would experience excruciating inconceivable pain and yet not die and be alive that way for decades in some horrible nursing home or iron lung or something, without John's love anyway, and in desperate pain. So I didn't do it.
But there was not even a thought about the poor guy who would have hit me, or whomever would have found me, or *anyone.*
That's scary.
The whole thing is scary.

Well last night I went to coDA and it is my hope and my only hope. If only I'd been there sooner.

God please help me and John to make it together. I will spend the rest of my life serving you. I beg you, my creator, with all my heart.
Thank you.

PS I wish someone else were reading this.