I'm beginning to see now how impossible it is to have a healthy relationship because I am not whole. I have depended on him for my identity. I have sucked down into a person who does nothing but waits. For what? For him to fill me? For him to love me enough? For him to lead me?
Fuck it I don't *want* to have to do the work. But I *have to* do it. Or I don't exist.
I have to exist.
So does John.
Maybe then we can be together.
I don't know.
But there's no use breathing if I don't exist. And I want what's best for him too.
Oh God I want to be with him.
But I *must* work on my own co-dependency. Even *I* wouldn't want to be with me this way.
And he really has been quite miserable in himself too.
If only I'd *seen* - registered the signs. I was so ill myself, hiding and denying and binging and trying to escape and letting time pass.
But I cannot accomplish anything with if onlys.
God help me this day to do the right thing.
Thank you.
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