Journal

So.
This IS the time to build mySELF.
I MUST continue building mySELF.
To be with ANYONE I must be ok more than I am.

I know that to my great dismay, yesterday and today I have had the stomach-fallen-out-like-when-you-hear-someone-you-love-need-has-died (my father when I was still living at home) or when you find out you have a horrible diagnosis. THAT feeling. Yes.
I think, sadly(!) that it is related to J not calling. Damn. I didn't expect THIS feeling.
Here is what is going on. I just called and we talked, because he had said last week that he was busy through Thursday night but could we get together after that. But it is Sun am and he hasn't called. So I called to say hi and catch up.
The bad: He hadn't called. He sounded awkward and uncomfortable and a little bit distant and formal.
And said nothing about getting together today.
And he asked for the recipe for the broccoli soup. :(  Instead of kind of attaching it to my magic. He just wants to make it for self. And said does not need any more food now. Has some of mine frozen but guy back (whose house it is) from hospital and will be stocking up too. :(
And - I told him of the tickets I had for that night in June. And he said could we talk when closer to it! Because he may have something work-related. Oy.
The good: I am sure he is not with someone else and that this all has nothing to do with anyone else but him and trying to make his OWN way in the world. And he said we really should get together even for a walk or cup of tea. Maybe one evening during the week. That is nice.
The end: I MUST become more and more whole. I KNOW that. I am trying all I CAN. I don't know what else to do.
I am:
eating better
starting walking
doing French
seeing friends some
straightening up around here
making plans to make this place better
saving money a bit
helping mother
teaching carefully
following the book, The Magic
What else can I do?
Finally, I miss my dr. :(
--
Still, there must be a healthy part. Because I am relieved to not have to see him. In this sense: that I can do MY things at MY speed (slow) with no OUTSIDE CAUSED PRESSURE.
and I think THAT is what HE is feeling too! So I GET it! wow.
--
I like the idea of maybe and I wish we could spend some happy times without pressure right away. But I did NOT expect the obsessions. I still have work to do...
--
In the meantime, what should I be doing?
Helping mother
Eating well
Losing weight
Exercising
(Improving myself)
Enjoying French
Enjoying friends
Enjoying the weather - getting outside
Being among people more.
Getting this house in total order, little by little but consistently.

The Magic Day 18

Day 18 Redo

Daily 10  

Count Your Blessings: Make a list of ten blessings. Write why you’re grateful. Reread your list, and at the end of each blessing say thank you, thank you, thank you, and feel as grateful for that blessing as you can.

I am truly blessed to have greens and a nutribullet,

because I stupidly did not have enough greens and I felt depressed this am! But I was able to make green drink even before coffee and turned it around!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for nice day for kids yesterday and for me,

because I had had some anxiety over it, and worked to get it away yay and then the whole day turned out nicely anyway so it would have been even more of a waste to stay in anxiety .

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for being nice, and being helpful to D,

because she sometimes drives me crazy but doesn’t mean to, and I LIKE to be nice!

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for enough money for food,

because I am very fortunate to have that!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have my ability to walk,

because I can move around freely so easily!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for my birds!

Because I am not all alone!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for sitcoms,

because for whatever reason, they make me feel good.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for my French lesson,

because  I am finally learning it. And because I love doing it. I love even the sound of it in my own head. As a side effect, it is good for my brain. But I am doing it for the love of it. AND when I’m doing it, I’m ont thinking about other things. I am grateful to myself for earning the money, and to my teacher for being good at it, and to the Universe for finding me the teacher!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for my public library,

because I go.

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for my haircuts and color,

because  I remember when I couldn’t afford them and now I am. And my hair looks and feels good and I look and feel better for it. Yay that I go regularly now. That I get to, and that I allow myself to!

Thank you thank you thank you!

--

And working on other part of the day's task right now too.

 

The Magic

Must go back to Day 17.  Because fell asleep last night - well evening - and didn't finish. So must go back and repeat 3 days to keep momentum building, it says.

Day 17

Repeat days 17, 18, 19, because didn’t really finish and this is the way, so as to keep momentum.

I am truly blessed to have safety yesterday in the car,

because  I was so tired and I stayed safe and am here safe and sound for life. Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for giving Am my favorite recipes,

because she appreciated that gift so much! And it brought her joy. And each one was vegan.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for the kids making those cards for her,

because despite my heartbreak over my own marriage, I found a way to have that done, and all special, and she feels like a princess!

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for my birds’ health,

because I like them having a good life!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have M’s daughters kiss me and blow kisses to me yesterday,

because especially the one with autism – I am happy for her and happy for ME that she (they both do) feels so safe with me and feels the love!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for weekends off,

because I know not everyone gets two days a week off from job and I really love having them!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for my good relationship with our office person,

because it is nice being around someone whom you feel “gets” who you are!

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for chatting IM this am with A,

because we didn’t see each other at all yesterday, and it is nice to chat in am and not be alone!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for no pain this am!,

because I had pain again last evening in joints and thighs and it is SO nice to be painfree!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for that pain, yes really,

because it has helped me to appreciate being pain free!

Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!

The Magic Day 19

Day 19

I am truly blessed to have laughter,

because  I understand that smiling breeds good feelings...

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for a conversation IM with Le,

because I am not alone; I am chatting a little bit with a fb friend.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for hope,

because it gives me good feeling and it affects my actions I think.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for generic Claritin,

because my skin itches so much when I go too many days without it, and with it I don’t itch.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have money for any medicines I ever need, and even eye vitamins,

because I get to have them whenever I want or need them!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for not overeating last night,

because again I came close but I didn’t do it, and this is so much healthier for me! Not keeping junk around the house helps a lot as I am tired and changed into night clothes at night and don’t want to go out…

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for weather reports,

because they help me dress appropriately for work and my days.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for my French teacher coming to me,

because I would not get there with the long ride and 3 highways after work. I am very lucky for this!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for J. being open-minded about looing at our life now,

because I would love it to be together now, as real adults...

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for all those amazing walks in the woods we took!

because they were fun, they were together, dog was off-leash, and they were healthy!

Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!

-

And I will do the other job a bit later irl. 
I did Day 18 - I don't know why it isn't posted on blog... Here was some of it:

I am truly blessed to have enough sleep last night,

because I was so tired and now I’m refreshed!

Thank you thank you thank you

I am so happy and grateful for coming up with that great idea for last night’s homework,

because it serves like 3 purposes and they probably enjoyed it!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for the reading and writing I’ve been doing with them,

because they are growing SO!

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for the time today to make the presents,

because I am proud of me that I worked it out, plus she deserves it.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have salad,

because it is so good for me and so easy to prepare now, and I actually craved it yesterday and came right home and had some!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for this class,

because the ARE innocent hearts.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for this secret surprise for someone this morning,

because she will be delighted and because THEY will feel so good about themselves for doing it! And the fun WHILE doing it!

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for the cheerful mood I’m in today!,

because I was SO tired and in pain last night and I didn’t know this would occur! Happy lucky me! And I had 12 hours of sleep and woke up with energy!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for the ibuprofen taking away my pain last night, and for A telling me to take it,

because I was in real pain – finger joints and neck and even thigh bones and it went away!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for my planet earth,

because she sustains me!

Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!

The Magic Day 17

Day 17

I am truly blessed to have the possibility that my mother will leave a few dollars to me,

Because I, like most of us, can use it. But whether she can or not, I am grateful that she scrimped and saved to try to. Because of the love, because of the potential, and because that is positive money energy being put into the Universe for me!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for her trust in me,

because I do do the right thing, and it is nice to be appreciated and known for that!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for the money that came to me for this little house,

because a bit was a gift about 30 years ago and all the majority of it I earned. And I have a home!

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for the money I earn that provides food to me and to my birds,

because it is such a gift to not ever have to worry about food!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have had such joy yesterday, a day which in advance did cause me a little anxiety but I did not let it get out of hand!

Because I wound up in a state of joy! I wanted to come and write the details of the joy in my blog but it was late when I got home and I was very tired and MA called and needed to talk. I do remember some of them. I am grateful that the day ended with joy and my magic rock practice as always now.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for the great visit I had with my mother and her aide M,

because all three of us liked it so much. And I DID find the time for it!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for the love in my life,

because I realized as I was falling asleep, that I had the love of my mother, MA, J, and M. And it felt SO good.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for my making the African Sweet Potato Peanut Stew yesterday,

Because I never have. J has but I have not. And I’ve never really loved it although I could eat it. But it is like his favorite. So I was going to make it for him. But I don’t know why but this dish felt overwhelming to me. Making own p.b. (long story), ...he whole thing. And I was putting it off. And then I said to myself, and this is important because this part was not about him but about me: “I am not going to be beaten by a pot of stew!” And I just made it.

Of course, I didn’t have one ingredient I thought I had. Uh oh. But I went online and found substitute!

And I didn’t have another, made up own substitute, but later realized I DID have it lol.

But other than rushing and timing and a minor thumb injury, I enjoyed making it! And it smelled so good! And I’m bringing some for lunch today!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for bringing 3 servings to J while still warm and he actually called back after eating it, so grateful,

because I do care about him and he is under a lot of stress - a lot - and I know he’s not eating nutrients a lot of the time. And because I like our time together and I like having him in my life.

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for little doggie!,

because I got to see and play with her a little, as J was home and came outside with her! I had such a nice little visit with both of them! Yay!

Thank you thank you thank you!

And then – and this is huge: I felt, watching a little tv before sleep, I felt this! “I like my life the way it is now. I don’t know if I would “forever” but I am not thinking ahead I am liveing now. And now, I like living alone but seeing J. I like that I can unwind and do things y own way and not be “forced” (by self of course) into more “normalcy” like family dinners…. Can lie on couch and watch tv, can sleep as long as I like, spend what I like, eat what I like. Of course can if together also, but have put own paridgim expectation restrictions on self in past, and so like this right now. Have nice job, enough money, good food, birds, friends, mother, even a bit of J, French, piano, needlecrafts. Have so much! Weather is beautiful and I can walk…

Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you that I finally like my life!

Thank you thank you thank you!

And I will do the other part today too, although not here:)

The Magic Day 16

The Magic Day 16

I am truly blessed to have yesterday with my mother,

because although at first I was a little nervous, last week, I did NOT let myself focus on that. And when she said would I cook and bring it there instead of restaurant, I was a little nervous at first too, but I did NOT let myself focus on that – I just did it. I am truly blessed for that day, and for this difference in response/reaction!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for Leonard Cohen,

because the song, “Hallelujah” touches me like none other. Here are some amazing versions. If you watch the k.d.lang, make SURE you see the last seconds. It is at his induction to the Canada Hall of Fame and she goes to him in the audience.

Kdlang https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYiMJ2bC65A

Rufus Wainwright, who has a child with Leonard Cohen’s daughter https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBo-n_17XU0

Leonard himself with end verses kd doesn’t have
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrLk4vdY28Q

The first time I ever heard it was on tv show House at end of an episode and I took years to track down that song that touched me so, and this is that version https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIF4_Sm-rgQ

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for M telling me I am so special, and A telling me too, and my mother telling me too,

because it FEELS so good.

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for all the system of my body,

because I am so lucky that they work so well! My brain, my intestines, my kidneys, my heart, my lungs, my circulation, my blood, my hands, my muscles, my voice, etc etc etc!!!!!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly blessed to have good healthy organic food and to make so much of it now,

because I am eating much more healthily. More simple, homemade foods with whole real ingredients!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so happy and grateful for losing weight,

because I AM losing weight! And it is by taking care of myself, not by anyone’s specific “program” and I like this this way. For now… : )

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am truly grateful for fb friends that I know irl and that I don’t,

because my life is expanded and we help each OTHER’S lives! They are actually grateful for me too!

Thank you thank you thank you!

With all my heart, thank you for this day off,

because I will straighten AND get to mother’s AND get to library to enjoy doing some French!

Yay for this day off!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for ME being the person in the whole district responsible for it!

Because although I’m sure no one remembers it anymore, I do. The union was wanting it. We weren’t getting it. If asked to vote I’d vote for, but I wasn’t fighting…. Then at one meeting people who need it spoke up and I heard them! They could not see their own family – like elderly mothers – on Easter, the most important of the Christian holidays – if travel were involved, because couldn’t get back for work Monday! So I realized I must “fight” for this.

I was told kind of, “Give up. It ain’t gonna happen.”

Uh uh!

They actually said the “other side” understood – just couldn’t find the day!

What?

I knew THAT was not an insurmountable problem! I would find the day!

They said, “Forget it. We have looked at the calendar a million times. It is not findable.”

I said something polite that really meant shut up and I spent the time looking and thinking.

And I came up with it!

It was something like, “Move our superintendent’s conference day to election day when school is closed to students anyway, and have classes on what WAS originally to be superintendent conference day. There. Found.”

They did it!

And we have this day off every year since!

I’m sure nobody around even remembers it anymore. But I do!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am so incredibly fortunate and lucky and grateful for my happy healthy birds,

because I get to share my life with them and they share theirs with me. And they have each other! That was the BEST thing I did! : )

Thank you thank you thank you!

Thank you thank you thank you!
--

-

Recollect three separate times throughout your life when you felt on top of the world, and give sincere thanks for those times.

1.When in college or so, and went to doctor, still a fearful person, and was examined and told, “You are wonderfully healthy!” and came out and literally kicked up my heels on the sidewalk! My body did everything I needed and everything I wanted it to! Energy, run, vision, cheerleading moves, looking pretty, breath, muscles, elimination, thinking, voice, piano, typing, every single thing – without so much as a thought about it. And no pains whatsoever. It was all effortless! Wow!

Thank you thank you thank you!

2.As a child, running, skipping, hopping, jumping, bicycling, skating,.. never a thought about sleep or waking up or breath or voice. It just WAS. I just WAS. It was just the way life was.  Wow! What a gift! For so many years oh my gosh!

Thank you thank you thank you!!

3.When I got better from the hospitalization pneumonia. I walked and breathed and sat in yard and recovered. I was here with J. and I believed in the future. And all was right in my world.

Oh thank you thank you thank you. Truly!

Think about 5 functions of your body that are well, and one by one give thanks for each one.

1.My brain works. Wow. I can think and it operates all my bodily functions. I remember a lot. I learn French. I read. Oh thank you, Brain!!!

Thank you thank you thank you!

2.My intestines work. I have no troubles with elimination. This is a gift and I am so grateful for it!

Thank you thank you thank you, Intestines!

3.My eyes see. I can see my birds kissing right now, and Jewel bathin a little while ago. I can read and play piano and see all of the beauties of nature. From palm trees (elsewhere) to evergreens and dissiduous trees here. To the ocean and the woods and the grass and flower, the sky. I can see my mother’s face smile at me and the students and J’s blue eyes and doggies and color. I am so grateful for both my beautiful precious eyes!

Thank you thank you thank you!

4.My blood is good. I have good cholesterol and triglycerides and am getting my sugar in order. I am free of blood diseases and that is very lucky.

Thank you thank you thank you!

5.My muscles work. I can walk and bend and use my hands. I can stretch. I can drive. I can get everything done for work and fun. How fortunate!

Thank you thank you thank you!

6.My voice works. I can speak. I remember when I couldn’t. I have good vocal chords!

Thank you thank you thank you!

7.My lungs work. I can breathe. Deep good cleansing breaths. This used to be a problem for me. No more!

Oh thank you thank you thank you!

8.My esophagus works. Clean and clear.

Thank you thank you thank you!

9.I was able to keep my cervix when I had to have the hysterectomy. (It was a necessary one, yes).

Oh thank you thank you thank you!

10.My stomach works. Digesting food. And even lets me know when is full now!

Thank you thank you thank you!

Well, I couldn’t stop at 5!

Thank you thank you thank you!

-

 And gave the one minute focusing on the thing I want to be perfect, visualizing it as so, and now I will give thanks for it.

Thank you thank you thank you for my healthy perfect eyes! My right eye iss seeing perfectly. Strongly connected with brain and full eyesight. Both eye lenses are clear. The eye pressure is totally normal.

I am SO fortunate!

Thank you thank you thank you!!

My Easter :)

The foods came out wonderfully! I made them with special love, for my mother.
On the way down the stairs to the car, I felt so -
good!
Excited even!
Me! Alone! Going to mother's! Oh my gosh! What a miracle!
And it was then that I realized: I can always feel this way. I need to not get trapped in the expectation of a certain paradigm, that's all! "I need to be part of a couple, together with extended family, all of whom love me and I them, or it is not a holiday." That is nice too I'm sure, when it happens. But this can be TOO!

And I went early and arrived early and got to visit with Mom's aide M before M went out. And I took charge of putting everything away etc.
Then we ate, Mom and I. Little bits but of 4 courses. And she loved it all for real. And we had such a lovely, wonderful dinner together!!

Then we kept chatting. I did dishes. We chatting some more.
Then we watched one episode of Monk and I was sitting on floor leaning on bed and Mom was in chair. It was so cozy!
Then we chatted and chatted more and more. Serious, fun, sharing, memories, future, everything! Just the two of us!
It turned out to be *far* more special than going to a restaurant would have been!

Then I gave her a treat for her 5:30 pills.

Although I would have done whatever was necessary, I am relieved that I did not have to do bathroom things except help her pull her undies and pants back up.
And I'm relieved that I was determined that if I had to do more, I would do it cheerfully with grace and dignity!

We kept visiting. We told each other how much we were enjoying this day together! This Easter together!

Her night aide came and frankly, although I would have liked to stay longer, the aide left her family early at dessert time to get here on time, so I didn't want her to feel it was for naught.
Plus after I said I was leaving, my mother finally admitted that yes she would go to bed... :)

While I was there I saw gifts friends and neighbors and aides have been giving her today and yesterday,
and I gave her aide M a gift too.

We told each other how much we loved each other and we kissed. I left the exact leftovers she wanted, plus a little more, and I took a little home too!

I did chat with J this am and we might go out next week, but whatever happens will happen. And I will have some say too!
And - and this is *huge* - while I was sitting on the floor of that immaculate (God bless you, M) apartment and enjoying Mom and digestion and tv and coziness, I realized, that as long as I keep *myself* going I am fine! I am *better than fine!* I have a miraculous life.
I might get back with J but I realized in that time that I don't want someone not good for me. It becomes deeper and deeper. And if I don't, I can find someone to be with if I choose to!

And "Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity."
The Buddha


I believe that. 
May I BE that.
Amen.

Oh - Oh - and A wrote to me today in IM, copied and pasted right here:
you are a very special person
with oitstanding talents  
I guess I never say that
I cannot tell a lie except to save someone from shame

And
The clothes yesterday? I bought a pair of blue jeans and a pair of white jeans. The first jeans I have bought in like 15 years!!!!!!!!

:) :) :)   
Thank you, Jesus. For my day. And this day that I was able to give my mother too!
Amen.