My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful for these and more: 1. My new computer! MacPro laptop! I am on it right now and I *love * it! 2. The lighted keyboard 3. The crispness of it 4. The speed of it 5. The sleek silver design 6. The sort of hard carrying case I bought to go with it 7. I am so grateful for being on that esplanade with L at Hoboken, NJ last night. I had no idea! 8. I had always heard of Hoboken with a sort of sneer, the place where Frank Sinatra grew up… with derision like it’s a dump or something. NO! It is a yuppie place. Expensive. BEAUTIFUL! Oh my God the water. 9. And the way the esplanade is designed. 10. And the romance of being a stone’s throw from Manhattan. 11. Looking at the new freedom tower 12. And all of downtown. As if we could take a quick swim right over to it 13. And midtown 14. And even uptown. All while standing in one spot. Oh my God it was glorious. 15. We saw some Wall Street protestors with their sleeping gear. I am grateful I got to see them in person, not just on tv, because it added a human element. Whether I agree or not, it was real to me at least. 16. I am grateful that we did not order wine at that icky little bar, but instead at the lovely restaurant where we ate. 17. And that it was a marvelous Thai place 18. And the bottle of wine was so good 19. And that we did take a long (!) walk after dinner, as I believe L needed it because of the wine. 20. So that we were safe home. 21. I am grateful for the *lovely * dinner we had there! 22. That we got two things and shared. 23. One was bean sprouts with tofu, which sounded yucky to me but he wanted it and I’m so glad we got it. 24. And it was healthy too! 25. And the other, I picked and I’m glad *I * did. 26. And it was veggies and I forget but very spicy and yummy 27. And we both liked it best 28. I love the way this keyboard feels! So grateful! 29. I am grateful I am better. Was so sick. So sick. But am better now 30. And my sponsor was in the hospital for two weeks but is fine now, thank God! 31. And has SUCH a wonderful attitude! 32. I am grateful for the young man who helped me (us because L was such a help too) at the Apple store! 33. And the second man who was a help too 34. And even the third! 35. And that I probably WILL take the lessons 36. And that O does 37. And that starting the day after tomorrow, I’m back at the gym! Yay! For health. 38. I am sorry that my mother is in the hospital. Again. But grateful that they got her there in time, and for this moment, this day, she is okay. 39. And that I came out to L’s today. 40. And that I saw her yesterday and will tomorrow. I *think * this is healthy. 41. And I did run it by L and MA and J and the first two think it’s great and J thinks it’s ok anyway. 42. I am grateful that I got through last night. And that I was with L. You see, the first day I visited my mother in the hospital this go-around, was also what would have been my 21st anniversary with J. I had some sadness last night and maybe overnight and a little bit this morning. But I got through it. AND, being with L. helped. 43. And L’s touch. 44. And affection 45. And oh those kisses. Oh my God those kisses. 46. And his caresses. They make my life go up a level. 47. Velio Tormis’ Estonian music. I never knew of it before. And L introduced me to it this morning. Wow! So impactful! 48. I am grateful for my therapist’s devotion and dedication to me. 49. All the amazing (!) CDs he’s making me! I am devoping quite a collection of the best music. 50. BIGGY!!!!!! I PLAYED IN A PIANO RECITAL! After 40 years of putting off doing so! Omg I DID IT!!!!!!!!! 51. And – I didn’t panic. I was nervous, but more excited than nervous. For the first time. I mean, there were REASONS I stopped! I used to get a feeling in the pit of my stomach like I was being taken to the death chamber or something. During two times: 1. Eye doctor appointments. 2. Piano recitals. BUT I DIDN’’ GET IT THIS TIME! 52. Sometimes, especially lately, when J is so good to my mother and even to me, I miss him and even love him. And that’s unsettling. BUT I would not be this person if he hadn’t, against my will and with me kicking and screaming all the way, FORCED ME INTO THE SCARY PIT OF INDEPENDENCE, WHICH ALSO SPELLED FREEDOM! 53. I am so grateful to OA and all the people there and my sponsor 54. My husband left me. And my mother’s husband (my father) died. So you never know. And both were bad sad hard events. But we both lived. And the false sense of security I had in my marriage was not real anyway. False. In our case anyway. 55. I am grateful that I selected the Bach Prelude to play at the recital 56. And the Reinhold Impromptu 57. And that O let us each select whatever we wanted to. 58. And that when I FINALLY went for a lesson, she heard me play them and she said she had never heard me play like that (so well) before! 59. And then, I was sick, so we didn’t know if I could make the rehearsal. So she postponed it by one night. That was so good of her to do! 60. And I made it! 61. Oh, that night. It turned out like a salon. Adults in a beautiful, simple, elegant, sparse but tastefully decorated l.r, with a MAJOR, old Steinway grand piano. 62. Playing for each other. 63. And discussing music 64. And history. 65. Oh, what a night. 66. And then the recital. 67. M met me at the door with a bouquet of flowers. And she said, “I have to give these to you now, not after, because it’s not about HOW you play. It’s about how proud I am of you that you are here! 68. And I played the Bach. And although it wasn’t perfect, I knew I did well. 69. And I got back to my seat and while they were applauding she stood up and hugged me. 70. And then later in the program it came time for me to play the Reinhold. I messed up in the first measures! And had to begin again! And I made a few mistakes and got flustered! But I tried not to show it. And I got through it. I am grateful that I got through it. I mean, literally. Because I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t wind up crying and walking away from the piano or something. 71. And I literally could not hear how I did. At all. Between my very clogged ears, one still in pain, and the nervousness that has a physiological reaction, and the different piano, and playing in a hall, … some eccoustical and some biological physical, and some psychological… I virtually couldn’t hear except that some sound was coming out of the soundboard. I turned to O at the end (away from audience) and mouthed, I’m sorry, or something. She mouthed back, It was beautiful, or something. 72. And the people clapped and clapped. Wow. 73. Finally, I was sitting, after what *I * thought was the walk of shame back to my seat, and she came over and stood in front of me and said, You have to get up again. That’s what they’re saying. 74. So I quickly did. Thinking, “Wow. It was more obvious that I’d thought – they KNOW I was so scared and did poorly but at least I got through it. So they’re pity-clap-encouraging the pathetic one – me.” 75. And they did not do that for anyone else, make them get up again. And later, alone, O told me, “Listen. Before you get out of the car, I have to tell you something. You played the best today.” What?! Yes. . . . Wow. So it was not pity. Oh my goodness! 76. I am grateful for God in my life. And all of our lives. 77. And that L believes the day will come when there is no more war and it is just a sort of an anthropological, historical study of the past of the human race. Oh, I hope he’s right. 78. That night of the recital, we all went out for dinner. I’m grateful for that. 79. And for the Italian restaurant, which was so wonderful, and where I’d never been before. Because O had said to me after the recital, “I’m going to recommend a Japanese place.” And I said, “Italian?” “Japanese.” “Italian?” “Oh, you want Italian?” “I’m a foody. I’ve been dreaming of Italian food through the whole recital!” Okay then: we’ll go Italian.” And we did: ) 80. And I had a luscious, healthy, and of course as always vegan dinner. 81. And we had wonderful, wonderful (!) conversation. 82. And the woman next to me, a mother of one of the performers, in her 70’s, Korean, could tell that I didn’t think I played well. And she played me some of the videotape she’d taken! And I was good! 83. And she’s going to get a disc to each of us! (But some or all of my last piece isn’t on it, as she ran out of battery power or something.) But I’m so glad to have that. 84. And I’m grateful that O told me some of the comments made about me. And some I heard myself. Poise. Deliberate approach to the piano. Such feeling. Her husband, who used to be home when I’d have lesson: “I didn’t think she could play like that!” Etc. 85. I have overcome the 40 years of fear! 86. And am yet further impressed that fear is bullshit! As my sponsor always says. 87. I love when L touches me. And I love that he is safe and trustworthy and gentle and tender. And brilliant. And cute. And great in bed, despite the one shortcoming as he calls it. And funny. And has many friends and facets of life. And brings so much music into my world. - - I do have a little trouble with a sort of dehydrated, not-good-air-quality, TONS of clutter when I’m here. And sometimes it feels a little – dark (it is, physically dark). And I feel like we follow HIS everything more than mine. Which actually is not his doing, but my shyness, probably. So I once (today) even felt a little little bit bored or something. And we have to DO too much! I’m tired. BUT – there are those things to which I just referred, too. So I don’t know… 88. I am so grateful for Reiki. So grateful for the sweet gentle power of Reiki. 89. I am grateful for sex. 90. And that I have it in my life again now. 91. And orgasms. 92. And those kisses with L. Oh. 93. And that I’m less jealous than I used to be. 94. And that L is always in a good mood. 95. And it seems, so am I! : ) 96. And for this pretty music that’s playing right now as I’m at his house, downstairs, and he’s upstairs. Is it Shostokovich? 97. And that I got another large bouquet at the recital too! We all did: ) 98. I am grateful for telephones 99. And especially cell phones. 100. And especially my iPhone.