Musings

The Big Realization
So for many years, there has been a feature of ML that I have envied. *Not* wished she didn't have! Just wished I had it too! The more-than-okay-alone-ness.
I can't tell you how many times I've asked her, tried to ask her, or asked Mary Allen about her, what she *does* with her time. Then thought I should do it, or tried to do it too.
Come to realize. Finally. Oy. It doesn't matter. It was never about what she does. Who cares if she loves to read mysteries. Yes, I've tried some of the ones she was reading and couldn't really get into them.
Duh.
The answer was never in the mysteries. Or any of the other things she was doing. It was in her inside-okay-ness.
*That's* where it was, and is. And *that* is what I must find for myself.
Duh!

The Golden Girls
Why was I almost obsessed with that show for so long?
Yes, I still think it's cute, and like the house etc. etc. etc.
But there were really two (not healthy) reasons.
1. Their okayness inside themselves. Theme, anyone?
2. Their okayness alone. Holy Moly, was I Law of Attractioning it? Oh no.


Grateful for Ambivalence?
Thank God for John's ambilvalence - the maybe still wanting us to be together, because I do!
And the maybe not, because it's been forcing me to become whole and him to grow too

A Little Fun Time Alone?
I just read some msn stuff about the oscars - and I enjoyed it! Siting here alone, I smiled!

Women Friends
I have been a good friend to a number of women throughout so many years. Loyal, there in hard times, able to laugh together, sharing my emotional truths honestly...
But -
in ways, I have never really even been there. Because always, always, it was all about John and my obsessive need for him. Even a couple of hours with girlfriends was always only kind of either: if I couldn't be with John at that time, or, an investment I had to make although I'd much rather be with John, or, well I want to spend time with my friends, it's just a shame that it has to be time without John.

A Shameful Truth

I thought I was better than others - safer, luckier, maybe coming-across-as-more-deserving. Because always had my beautiful John. We were united. ... Really, was not whole.
Want to be whole and be with John.

I am genuinely hungry.
My abstinence today:
3 meals
some green veggies
no white flour as such