Wow

I'm thinking back to when I was invited to give the Ideals talk at Cursillo, and how I took the little notebook thing - I guess I *asked Jim for one* and started writing. And he said, smiling, "Let me guess. 'Ideals Ideas.'"
That memory strongly resonates of a few things:
1. The feelings I had inside were very little-girl-trying-to-do-something-look-at-me-I'm-like-a-big-girl-now-of-course-it's-more-showing-off-to-husband-and-pretending-to-be-something-because-I'm-really-a-very-little-girl.
2. Did I become fat, in a pathological attempt to not be such a little girl.
3. Glomning onto Gennaro in high school.
4. Joe in college.
5. Jim, and the 20 minutes sitting in his shirt getting ready to even speak at a theater meeting, even to read beyond a whisper.
6. How very much I have not existed except for someone else who unconditionally loves me watching me.
7. How very much nothing I did was real. Or worth anything except for the someone else.
8. The someone else was a poor attempt at being parented.
9. How very much I want to ask John to take me to the city tonight for a meeting.

10. And how much I've used food to avoid these things. Avoid facing them. Dealing with them. Changing them.

I want to grow up.
I wish I'd have done it sooner. I wish I *could've* done it sooner.
I should go easier on myself. Because I couldn't.
I am doing what I can.
God bless me.

Wow.