More Lessons in Life

So much.
Afraid to even get it all out, as can be depressing.
But here is some of the good stuff:

Am off this week, and instead of being purely terrified, awakened Monday feeling grateful for life and for having awakened. (What?!)
Straightened kitchen, fridge and freezer, food cabinet, and living room. Put out new stuff in l.r. Rug didn't look right so am going to put in den (where seems better).
Also made pot of the Bean Cuisine Ultima Pasta Fagiola
Felt: settled and good to be a room or 2 away from the clutter, but nervous. Like John wouldn't like, or like I don't deserve, or like, "What if it were to *all* get done, then the emptiness would rear up fully."

Tuesday made own version of the soup, and included green veggies (will post recipe when figure out how). And took mother to see King's Speech. Had great time doing that.
After, felt like coming home to l.r. and having some nice tea. But came to den. Felt depressed.
Evening watched tv and went to bed early.

Today (Wednesday), John dropped off Phoebe *before* he went to see Paul. I wasn't sure he should, even, having seen her there yesterday when I went over to pick up the Optimum card, and having seen how *happy* she was! Anyway, he did. And - veggie board thought it good for her to be here anyway, and maybe going back and forth, much to my (happy) surprise.
Then after Paul, he came for visit to look at washing machine and read the Mindfulness Trainings together. I'd been hoping and had expected that that would be later, and we'd share a soup lunch together.
We visited. It was nice. But not as good here as elsewhere. He was enthusiastic about the l.r. changes. Clearly didn't like his two presents (soul portrait and blooming tea set) but was very gracious about the tea and will use it, I think. (And we laughed about the other).
The washer, alas, is broken.
He said, "What will you do until get another one? Go to the laundrymat?" I said, "Yes." He looked concerned and said, "I shouldn't really say this kind of thing, according to Paul, but just this once, I could take some of it and do 2 or 3 loads for you." I said, "That's sweet. Thank you. And no." He replied, "Really, I could do 2 or 3 loads to help you get through so you have what you need for work and everything." He *looked to me* genuinely concerned and sweet, but sort of afraid of what he was saying. I said, and I am quoting myself directly, "That's so sweet. Thank you. And no." He did look kind of relieved lol.

He was 100% sure he does *not* want to go to Colorado for the mindfulness week in August.
And had no interest in DisneyWorld.
Said he needs to get to work, get *into* life, not get away.
I understand; I work most weeks and very hard, and want the getaway...
Disappointed, because would love to have some fun with him, and would love the retreat together. But *not* if it's not good for him!
It was a tad uncomfortable with the gifts and getaway talks...

Anyway, we did the Mindfulness Trainings. That was nice.
Then when he was leaving I had a few more quick things to say and it kind of felt like he might feel I was holding me back.

After he left, I felt kind of depressed.
Empty.
Called Mary Allen. Was going to ask her if I could come there for a couple of hours and read my CoDA stuff there...
But she was about to take her nap so I didn't ask.
Called Maureen to see if wanted to go to Ossining tonight. Felt like with her i would go, but not alone. *Hope* this is not too co-dependent!

Anyway, the day before yesterday and yesterday, I didn't really eat my greens. So I had 2 cups of that soup I made (the "Everything But..." soup). That helped a bit.
And M called back and *does* want to go. That was good too.
And then Phoebe wanted to go out, and I didn't feel like blow-drying her, so instead of yard, I took her for a nice walk. Lo and behold didn't the movement and sunshine/cold/fresh weather air feel good to me too!

Lessons, ah lessons.

The same way that I would *NOT* eat animals or animal derivatives,
and would *NOT* skip my prayers/readings-meditations/gratitudes first thing in the mornings now,
I should *NOT* skip my greens or getting out for fresh air!

If anyone does ever read this, thank you.