First, Yesterday's Grats, then the real issue:(
1.
Thich Nhat Hanh
2.
My promise to him
for his birthday. (He turned 88 yesterday) That each morning first sip(s)
coffee I will see the cloud in my cup and in myself and offer love and
compassion to the world.
3.
Did today. Though
new, and forgot til second cup. That’s fine though
4.
The strong feeling
it gave me. POWERFUL in my hands and beyond! A beautiful practice!
5.
My deep breath
6.
My Shakeology
7.
My decision – that
it is ok to trust mySELF and follow 21 Day Fix food plan with some
modifications as I always have been, but getting better and better all the
time.
8.
My newer emotional
strength. Still a ways to go but bigger
9.
My new more
physical strength
10.
Exercise
--
Now:
Sat. J. called.
It was nice and all, gonna go out soon etc etc
But - there were other things.
I felt his tension because things about my mother and her wonderful but psushy and therefore problem causeing aide, and involving J in it....
And he said "crazy busy." I said "that's good." he said "it would be if productive, but-" So I know he is frustratted.
Poor J trying to prove self.
Do you nkow, that I would help him? I would give hours, money, .... BUT that I know it wouldn't help. entitlements lead to resentment. I have lived with his hatred. I don't want it again.
Anyway, I was shaking and crying when hung up (both times, as had to hang up and call back since was traveling). Second call I couldn't hide the crying. Oy
And I overtalked. Nervousness... Always feeling (awareness, not imagination, as is tru) he is judging me and his feelings....
It was bad feeling.
Mouse in House. Found more pellets. Was overwhelming.
Wound up overeating and going to bed.
Sunday:
Screamed at mother, and at air when off phone too.
Rejection buttons and injustice buttons were pushed.
I went running to A (online) for help.
I was HORRIFIED by my own rage. HORRIFIED! He probably was too.
Mother and I had good long talk and made up.
Then?
MORE mouse turds. Counter, drawers, cabinets! Both sides kitchen! 1 - 5 in each place but that means he gets around! I don't even know where the hell to put my dishes etc! I cannot tell you how much I scheve this. Am phobic! Need help with it. I know about kill traps. I know about have a heart traps. I don't know WHAT the hell I'll do! I am itchy all over.
Then, Sunday evening:
Yard guy (no lawn or flowers - we're talking about basic clean-up here- I had been texting because no one came since beginning of August....
FINALLY got back to me last night. He said needs cash. There IS a balance but I usually give check. I gave the cash (he is old friend of J and comes to mailbox for it).
BUT - he also promised they'd come today - and gave me some story about having had to fire two guys for lying to him... ... ...
Anyway, he'd better send them today! I ask him what time he doesn't get back.
I fear there might be drugs involved - something is weird.
I NEED stuff cleaned out there! I have fallen twice on leaves and twigs on steps, and animals now!! He promised.... Yeah, 'cause he wanted money... We'll see.
The 11th was Thich Nhat Hahn's birthday. 88. He wanted one simple promise could keep, from people, he said, like seeing the cloud in their tea and self. I gave promise that every morning first sip(s) of coffee I would see the cloud in my coffee and in myself, and offer love and compassion to the world.
I am SUCH a compassionate person. Don't even wear pearls (although I have some that I LOVE, from before) because of the OYSTERS. And yest I could scream at my elderly sick mother yesterday? And have HORRIBLE thoughts that if bitch-sister were murdered I would feel like smiling??????? Who the fuck AM I? I am HORRIFIED by this! Don't even know HOW to work on it! Just do my jobs around here (which I DREAD) and pray and do spiritual things and exercise even more and look online for help. :(
I am thrilled about exercise. To awaken and FEEL my muscles from within,
to be stronger on steps etc,
to be gaining in confidence,
to be getting emotional stuff "to the mat"
to be losing inches, and slowly, weight (22 lbs since end June)
and making better food choices due in part to desire but also in part to body awareness,...
But I DREAD doing the fucking house stuff.
And now - the big decision.
I will clean up here today. I do not know if I can get self to do kitchen or must put traps and stop using it for few days. I scheve it so much!
Then must decide: Do I beg J to come and get kitchen mouse turds cleaned for me and get rid of mouse?
And would he?
And should I anyway?
His experiences with me should NOT be doing horrible things on house - he had enough of that! They should be pleasant! Am I desperate enough to risk his bad feelings.... ?
*I* had bad feelings with the burdens he places on me Sat, and *I* WANT him! IMAGINE if I give HIM bad feelings, when *he* is ALREADY ambilvalent?
Last - A said too many phobias? "Time to get grip. Too many phobias."
I said like what?
He said:
J, flat tire, mouse, mother visits, pension, fix house, divorce..."
I felt like SHIT!
Am I SO ill?
Am I HOPELESS?
I feel really bad.
:(
Okay, first. "A" has totally misused the word 'phobias.' Okay, sure, you're scheve'd out by mice....who wouldn't be? Maybe you're even phobic. Fine. I hate up-escalators, we all have our shit. But the other stuff? J, mom, divorce, etc.? Stuff of life, stuff of life. And I'm sorry, but has "A" even met you IRL? I know, I know, big time friend talk to him every day blah blah blah, but he's a married man who is forming (undoubtedly secret) relationships on line. I don't think he can know the REAL you. And all I am saying here is this: don't let someone label you.
ReplyDeleteTwo, is there a handyman you can call (cheap) who can come handle the mouse shit (and I mean that literally in this case) and set traps? Or even pest control - this is what they DO. Maybe it will cost you a little, but it's a more 'professional' solution. If not, call J. But keep it cool, sister. "Hey, I know you've got a lot going on, but it looks like I've got this mouse situation, and I could really use some help." No hysteria.
Three, If you can't talk to J without the tears, etc., don't talk to him (outside of mouse shit stuff.) Because you're right, if you're an emotional drain, it's too much. Just learn how to say "Okay, well I've got some stuff I need to get done - maybe we can pick this up tomorrow" or whatever. I dig the nervousness and the crying you can't control....but I'm guessing J. doesn't deal with it well and may even feel pressure and/or responsibility.
Four , 22 pounds? OH MY GOD. I am so proud (jealous), in awe (jealous) and inspired (jealous). Someone who is as focused as you've been on eating well and exercising IS NOT ILL. YOU ARE HEALTHY. You just have your suitcase of blues, and we all do. Yours is just especially heavy right at this moment. Little mice fuckers kicked you over the edge. It happens. You'll come back. You always do. Because you're a winner.
And five, Deep breath. Deep breath. Find the cloud in our coffee (reminds me of the Carly Simon song You're So Vein where she keep saying 'clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee...but I digress."
(On lawn guy - really, isn't there someone else cheap? This guy sounds like a loser. Why do you have to have him? Because he is a friend of J's? Bah. But in the meantime, can he handle the mice?)
You're fine. Fine. Exercise. Get through this day. And know you are loved.
Oh Lord, EJ. You are a gift to this world and I really love you.
DeleteI was just coming on to put an update.
But first I will address your loving beautiful words quickly here, so as not to burden I hope!:
Yes I have met A irl. He is a friend of friends. Has been a good friend to me (no icky stuff in - I don't know - almost a year?) But *I* think I'm getting stronger all the time! Yes, I grew up with schizophrenic mother has cost me emotionally. But I am a better teacher (although was always good) than EVER! This very year, month, yes. And my piano playing is beyond EVER. And I am exercising every single DAY and losing inches and pounds. And yes I get overwhelmed by some of the fucking house stuff but I am helping friends in need and myself, and trying to have enjoyment every day. And - deciding that although I still want to be with J, it is not this J of this week I want to be with. We BOTH have to be different or no even IF he winds up wanting. THAT is HUGE progress.
Thank you SO MUCH for the perspective. I never thought of pest control! Duh! will be that or friend-reccommended-handyman (cheap and trustworthy). Thank you! Yes I will call people to do this stuff. Even if I wind up spending hundreds or 2 thousand (there is other structural stuff) so what? I have no life if I despise coming home every single day! I have worked since 1987 to afford this under 1000 square foot house! I DESERVE to like being in it! It is my home. It is MY home.
Yes, I think maybe the rodent thing used to be a phobia - but 30 years ago when I had one, I went to a hotel! Didn't stay here a MINUTE til it was gone. Now, we are co-existing while I work this out lol. And it WILL be worked out this week!
You are right about J. Thank you so much.
Yard guy - it is very very difficult to get someone to do snow and his guys do it. All but once or twice in like 5 years, in time for me to get to work! They do not normally do private properties, and NEVER cars - but do for me. And at lower price than normal.
But it may be time to move on.
Thank you, EJ.
You cannot know what your words at the end, "You're fine. Fine. Exercise. Get through this day. And know you are loved." did for me. Tears of gratitude. Thank you incredibly.
PS If you want to try 21 Day Fix, which is helping me change, from the inside out (despite what A thinks lol), *I will send it to you!!!!!* I would love to do that! Just say so here, but privately email me your address. I would love to do that for you.
I love you,
Lynn (was deleted but here it is)
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