My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. That I got here safely (work) despite having so VERY LITTLE sleep last night 2. That we had that great (emergency) meeting this morning. Helpful (re: Connecticut) 3. That I have hit bottom. Yep. Really. Am grateful about it. 4. I am grateful that my class is having a great class about art, in conjunction with a major museum, right now. I’m happy for them. 5. That SINCE I don’t care about myself or my life anymore, I have nothing to lose. NO. That’s not as sick as it sounds. My dr. has even said that to me. It can spur me to do the right thing anyway. 6. That I have veggies for lunch. I need them. 7. Adults smiling at children. 8. All of us doing that especially today. 9. I am grateful for. Um. Um. Flowers. Really 10. And birds 11. And the hideous ear muff thing a child in here made for me at her home. Broken headband, blue tape, colorful cotton balls, a silky flower, and lots more white tape. Bless her heart. 12. Our principal 13. The heroes in Connecticut on Friday. 14. Humor 15. Laughter. 16. That I went to college 17. And my parents paid 18. The kids’ excitement over their birthdays. 19. Graph art 20. Cars 21. Safety 22. That I have never been involved in a shooting. 23. And neither have any of my students. 24. Nice people. 25. Museums 26. Concert halls 27. Independent theaters 28. Foreign films 29. That I’ve already paid for L’s gifts. And the wine club one will be delivered to his house for 3 months even though we’ll no longer be together. I’m glad he’ll get them. 30. That I got here safely this morning. 31. And on time for the special meeting. 32. The support of most of each other in this building, keeping an eye on each other today, as per our principal’s directive. That she said she is at this point more concerned about the adults than the students, and that there is no shame if we need a break or whatever, today, or tomorrow… And to keep an eye on each other in case there is a need. 33. That I did not have that heart attack last night. 34. I am grateful that I just had a little lunch, with teachers. 35. And that not one at my table was talking about their/our own safety – but about how to best protect the CHILDREN. I’m very grateful for that. 36. And for my gratitudes from, I think it was June 17th. I was happy that weekend. It was probably the last time. 37. I am grateful in advance for whatever retaliation I have to suffer 38. And that at least I have a conscience 39. I am grateful for warmth 40. And electricity 41. And heat 42. And books 43. And readings, like those I’m about to do 44. And typing 45. I am grateful for this classroom 46. And for every day when I used to feel safe 47. And for when I used to be trustworthy 48. And that maybe – maybe someday I will get past this 49. I’m grateful for every hero who lived and who didn’t on Friday 50. And that I heard from Jo today 51. I’m grateful in advance that I will probably sleep tonight 52. And that MA took my call last night after I yelled at my mother 53. And that my meting after school today may well turn out to be one in which I don’t have to participate 54. I’m grateful that I don’t really know what the truths all are. Because maybe that will help me be less judgmental in the long-run 55. I just breathed. Chest still hurts a lot. But that breath didn’t hurt as much. Thank you EJ and JJ. 56. Wow! TODAY’S EACH DAY A NEW BEGINNING! Wow! 57. That I am determined to start this today: "Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you." Madeline Bridge 58. That Buddhism isn’t about punishment and confessions and contrition and self-hatred (***I am NOT saying that ANY religion is!). That it is not about rules. It is about ways to cultivate happiness. 59. And that I have been introduced to it. 60. That by staying overnight at L’s, because I didn’t bring my little daily meditation books with me, I wound up finding the online ones. THAT’s good! 61. Now it is Tuesday. I am grateful that none of my students have ever been shot. 62. My lessons, through someone who’s been there, from a village in Ghana. In that village, the people have SO MUCH LESS! No electricity, etc. Yet smile – a lot – and create and enjoy music – a lot – and greet each other beautifully – EVERY DAY . . . 63. I MAY get an iPad from someone for Christmas! This is funny to say, on the heels of the Ghana gratitude, but I am excited about it. The difference is – if I DON’T get it, I’ll be fine too! 64. I am grateful that I don’t feel today, like I have no right to even take up space on the earth. 65. That I am not generally an aggressive person 66. That I can see as well as I can. 67. Reading 68. Piano 69. Laptop 70. Knitting 71. I bought cheap vegan yarn in a color I like, and am to be making a scarf – for myself. Like, self-care – enjoying the color, the doing, and doing something for myself for a change. 72. I will do for my mother after school today. 73. I will relax this evening. 74. I slept last night. 75. I’m grateful that I’m TRYING to be LESS JUDGMENTAL!! 76. And smiling at the kids a lot. 77. That our principal suggested we might want to send a note home to parents that all is well… in light of what happened Friday in CT. I did, maybe half an hour ago. Have already received two relieved thank yous. 78. Veggies for lunch again 79. Earl Gray tea this am 80. That I can walk 81. My fingers 82. That I can speak 83. That I have a tv and it works 84. That I may not always need it so much lol! I remember when I didn’t : ) 85. YOU! 86. Children’s hugs 87. My iPhone 88. Music 89. Smiles 90. Laughter this morning. And Sunday morning. Laughter is coming back. Yay. 91. That I have read the Big Book, that people in all the 12-step programs have. 92. And that I have read parts of it carefully! If you read it once straight through, you MIGHT NOT get a lot out of it – I didn’t anyway: ) 93. *****I am going to REALLY TRY to go to sleep EARLY tonight and get up EARLY tomorrow, and at least STRAIGHTEN! AS IF I were having company. Only I’m not – it would be – finally – FOR ME! 94. That my daily AFFIRMATIONS are NOT a way of following a “don’t feel” rule! But a way of acknowledging and ATTRACTING the good! 95. That I will get to go to my book club today! 96. And maybe I’ll even knit a little at it. Or not. Either way is good. 97. And I’ll get a new book title to read. 98. “Today, I refuse to accept shame from others or myself for feeling my feelings.” 99. People who help children. 100. People who help the sick. 101. A nice little dream about doggie this morning.