My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. That I can entertain myself. 2. That I ALWAYS could. Even as a little child. 3. Now it is the 25th. I HAVE TO find things I’m grateful for. Taxis 4. Dollars 5. Dog is alive 6. And didn’t get out of the open gate today. 7. Tv 8. Computer 9. Phone 10. I cannot be with L. Plus he wants to see others anyway. He actually believes, oh God help me, in things that aren’t real. Really. It’s a real sickness. And he believes that the sexual problems MIGHT be me, or our combination. Even though he’s had these problems for 40 years before he met me! But I am grateful that he called and gave me love and care, since I was feeling suicidal. I will take the care. Very grateful for the care and the love. 11. Humor. Like the obese guy trying new Dr. Oz approved fast foods on Dr. Oz right now as I write number 11. 12. That I, jealous and angry and devastated as I was, was able to say honestly to Louis, “Have fun,” on his way to the party. 13. Whatever understandings this has all helped me to learn. 14. The very bad fumes from the broken dishwasher have dissipated. Thank God. 15. And that all that happened today led me to knowing about them. So that I aired out the place. I hate to think of the dog possibly getting injured or killed if I’d not have known. 16. That I will take the time alone that I need and should have. If there is ANY hope for me, I MUST be okay without a guy. Then maybe later I can have a guy. I hate that shit. Because I think there are a lot of people who are okay even though they never had to be alone. But I don’t think I can do that. So I’m grateful that I’m doing all I can 17. Eyesight 18. Hearing 19. SmellTaste 20. Feel 21. Affection 22. Hugs 23. Sex 24. Orgasms 25. Love 26. Oak tree 27. Voice 28. Breath 29. Lungs 30. Heart 31. Liver 32. Kidneys 33. Feet 34. Hands 35. Legs 36. Arms 37. Neck 38. Carotid arteries 39. Spine 40. Ability to walk 41. Ability to drive 42. Ability to climb stairs 43. Car 44. House 45. Electricity 46. Heat 47. Floors 48. Ceilings 49. Roof 50. Windows 51. Doors 52. Stuffed animals for doggie 53. Feeling her next to me I bed these nights 54. Fruity drink 55. Apples 56. Broccoli. I haven’t had a vegetable for 2 days but now I just had broccoli, may I continue to eat vegetables. 57. K and the help she gave me, teaching me the feelings work and all 58. That I am doing gratitudes right now 59. That I will sleep after this 60. Wine. I’ll have a little glass or two tonight. Maybe 61. The supermarket 62. That I took my mother for her groceries yesterday 63. That I bought 6 little presents for L. 64. And since I have them already, I’ll get them to him. 65. That I am not in a hospital. 66. Or an iron lung 67. Or a prison 68. Or a concentration camp 69. Or a slavery situation 70. Or a war 71. Or a hostage situation 72. Or a prisoner of war camp 73. Fingernails and toenails to protect 74. And hair to protect head 75. I have not had my genitals mutilated. Some women have. 76. J. did not kill me when he thought to. 77. He got off drugs. I’m thankful for this for his sake 78. People who are happy today. Earlier I was only jealous. Now I’m happy for them too. 79. Knitting 80. Dog food 81. Water for her 82. That she’s alive and the outgassing didn’t “get” her. 83. Princess Diana. All the happiness she brought me. 84. When J. used to hug me 85. When L. used to hold me .When L. used to have sex with me. 86. My sensitivity. Really. 87. I do not have a plate in my head 88. Or a tumor 89. Or cancer 90. Or heart disease 91. Or a terminal illness 92. Or Crohn’s disease. 93. Or old old decrepit age yet 94. I tried to give my mother a good day. I did. 95. That I was able to cry and scream and be my depressive, angry, suicidal self today. 96. And didn’t get screamed at and hung up on. Got compassion. 97. Thank God for compassion. 98. Sitcoms 99. Laughter 100. Smiles 101. Chairs 102. Indoor plumbing.