I am grateful:
1. Today’s In This Moment goes on to say: “I find an environment where I feel safe, such as a CoDA meeting, where I can express a full range of emotions.
2. “It’s such a relief not to worry about being judged or criticized.” That *is * a gift.
3. And it says “I now know what my feelings are and I express them in healthy ways. Thank you, CoDA!” Okay.
4. Today’s Language of Letting Go says: “For those of us who have survived by controlling and surrendering, letting go may not come easily.” Beyond Codependency
5. It says: “In recovery, we learn that it is important to identify what we want and need. Where does this concept leave us? With a large but clearly identified package of currently unmet wants and needs. We’ve taken the risk to stop denying and to start accepting what we want and need. The problem is, the want or need hangs there, unmet.” Yes.
6. And “This can be a frustrating, painful, annoying, and sometimes obsession-producing place to be.” Yes!
7. “After identifying our needs, there is a next step in getting our wants and needs met. This step is one of the spiritual ironies of recovery. The next step is letting go of our wants and needs after we have taken painstaking steps to identify them.” What?! Okay. I’m grateful for this lesson. But nervous.
8. Then it says: “We let them go, we give them u p- on a mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical level. Sometimes, this means we need to *give up. * It is not always easy to get to this place, but this is usually where we need to go.” Uh oh. But I’m learning. . .
9. “how often I have denied a want or need, then gone through the steps to identify my needs, only to become annoyed, frustrated, and challenged because I don’t have what I want and don’t know how to get it. If I then embark on a plan to control or influence getting that want or need met, I usually make things worse. Searching, ring to control the process, does not work. I must, I have learned to my dismay, let go.” Uh oh. But this makes sense: “Sometimes, I even have to go to the point of saying, ‘I don’t want it. I realize it’s important to me, but I cannot control obtaining that in my life.’ “ Ah.
10. And “ ‘Now, I don’t care anymore if I have it or not. In fact, I’m going to be absolutely happy without it and without any hope of getting it, because hoping to get it is making me nuts – the more I hope and try to get it, the more frustrated I feel because I’m not getting it.” True. Good.
11. It says, “I don’t know why the process works this way. I know only that this is how the process works for me. I have found no way around the concept of letting go.”
12. And “We often can have what we really want and need, or something better. Letting go is part of what we do to get it.”
13. And “Today, I will strive to let go of those wants and needs that are causing me frustration. I will enter them on my goal list, then struggle to let go. I will trust God to bring me the desires of my heart, in God’s time and in God’s way.”
14. Recovery Meditation: “How many times do we beat ourselves because we have failed to attain the goals we have set? We are human and we suffer from a disease that renders us helpless and out of control. Is it any wonder that we fail in trying to conquer such an unforgiving beast?
15. “It is not ourselves we should be angry with, but the disease and how it affects our actions and reactions.
16. “Our inability -- or unwillingness -- to realize that we cannot achieve recovery alone is our only true failure. We need help.
17. “Without it we are weak and defenseless. This disease would have us believe we are failures ~ but in reality, all we have done is open the doors to our enemy. These doors can be closed again.
18. Huge: “Our disease not only manifests itself in the form of uncontrollable eating, but also in our negative thoughts and actions towards ourselves and towards the people around us.
19. “It takes no more time to think positively than it does to think negatively.
20. “Our only job is to remember that we have a disease. We can choose to forget it, we can choose to beat ourselves up when we leave the door ajar, or we can choose to forgive ourselves and begin again.
21. “ONE DAY AT A TIME . . . I will work on forgiving myself.
22. “I am worth forgiving. You are too.”
23. Next morning. I am grateful that yesterday I managed to get up.
24. And managed to get into the shower.
25. And to get dressed, nicely.
26. And to put on some makeup, even though the guy forgot to give me one of the pieces
27. And managed to get into the car with Mar
28. And got to Mass, as I’d promised
29. And that the Mass actually felt good
30. And that I was in a state of grace and could receive Communion.
31. And that I did receive
32. And that the priest there was new and so it was like we were newish together
33. And he was very good
34. And I’m grateful that I got into my own car
35. And drove to my OA meeting
36. And that it was a great meeting
37. And that someone there asked me to get her started
38. And that something I said touched someone else and she found it helpful
39. And she called me this morning
40. And that I had the money to give piano teacher
41. And that I gave it to her
42. And that I got to visit with O for a little while, outside on her bench in the beautiful enclave
43. And that her bird is growing feathers and it hurts. I’m not happy that it hurts; I’m happy that it taught me a little lesson. That all creatures have some pain in life. Every giraffe, bird, rat, horse, person… Sometimes we are sick; sometimes we are sad; sometimes we are injured. . . That it is just part of life and I need to accept that.
44. That I went to MA’s
45. And we read
46. And talked
47. And went out to diner for dinner
48. And I got home safely
49. That I saw J to drop off doggie, and he said I looked good,
50. and kissed me hello
51. That I’m making progress with the book
52. That today is a new day. Because last week really sucked. But today is a new day.
53. And I can eat well.
54. And I will go to the gym
55. And I will take my mother to the bank and shopping
56. And I will see O, at the gym
57. That K just called
58. That we will try to go to a movie tomorrow night
59. That I will water my plants today
60. And do laundry! I’m grateful that I will
61. That I got the two bras yesterday
62. That I’m planning by the end of the week to get the cell phone situation fixed
63. And the laptop situation too
64. That I’m not taking the course. I need to take care of myself and some things here and have some fun – it is summer
65. That K said she will look into changing the day of the week for the CoDA meetings.
66. That I practiced a little Bach today
67. That my mother can wait until noon for the shopping
68. That my jade plant is still alive
69. And my classroom plants too
70. That I might be able to get to a meeting tonight
71. That I did my CoDA work just now
72. Today’s For Today, ouch ouch ouch don’t I know it now: “Outside show is a poor substitute for inner work.” Aesop
73. And as for my daily showers and dressing better and hair and a little makeup, it says: “Appearance is not everything, but it does tell the world how I feel about myself.”
74. And I like this because it feels like a promise: “As my days of abstinence increase, my appearance improves.”
75. And this, which is so me: “Before OA, physical attractiveness presented problems I didn’t want to deal with.”
76. And promise: “As I practice the steps of the program, these problems diminish.
And “I gain spiritual fitness, mental health and physical wellbeing.
77. “Giving one hundred percent of myself to the tasks before me each day, and applying the principles of the program in all my affairs drives out both the obsession with food and the preoccupation with my looks.
78. And this! “I lose weight without making it my primary goal.
79. And “For today: OA promises me threefold recovery as a result of working the program to the best of my ability. This is the only way I know to attain both outer attractiveness and inner worth.”
80. Outer attractiveness and inner worth. Wow.
81. Just from working the program “to the best of my ability.” Okay.
82. Oy. Biggy. Today’s Voices of Recovery, and thinking of the anger I had at my sister even just yesterday. “As long as we have not forgiven people for harms they have done us, we will find it impossible to make sincere amends to them for our side of the conflicts.” OA 12 & 12 p. 71
83. And it’s about step 8, which I am trying to work currently. It says “ For me the essential element in Step Eight is forgiveness. Until I learned how to forgive I could not even see where I was at fault.
84. And it goes on to say: “I was not aware of the deep resentment I had against my parents for the abuse I endured as a child. My insecurities, fear of rejection, and low self-worth were all a direct result of suppressing those feelings.” Wow.
85. “I began to truly search my past, and the old memories of abuse returned. As I examined them, hate, humiliation, and deep rage boiled out of me in floods of tears. I knew I could not forgive these wrongs myself, especially where my own defiance was often at fault.”
86. And for me, not having fully dealt with my father’s death too. I’m glad to at least FINALLY know that now. I tried to make J. into a father figure.
87. “It suddenly occurred to me to pray for a ‘spirit’ of forgiveness.” Oh. Okay. That can help!
88. “”Gradually a peace enfolded me. Forgiveness came, and with it came complete deliverance from those damaged feelings.” Wow.
89. And it actually says: “From that moment, I was healed.” Wow.
90. And “Once the miracle of forgiveness occurred, the amends happened naturally.”
91. Ouch and wow. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I choose who I am.” Wow.
92. “I’ve decided to become the person I want to be – physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.
93. “I consciously focus on specific growth areas, letting go of those negative traits and character defects that hold me back.
94. “Working the Fourth and Fifth Steps helps me identify who I am and who I want to be.
95. “The Tenth Step helps keep me on track.
96. “I am no longer defined or controlled by anyone else.” Whoa. Wow.
97. “I claim my right to be who I really am.” Wow.
98. HUGE! Today’s Language of Letting Go: “We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.” Codependent No More
99. “Say thank you, until you mean it.” Okay.
100. “Thank God, life, and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.” Wow.
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