Hand or not, must write this.
J. was just here.
He was sweet and tender and loving and kind. And honest.
He has no desire to give this any try at all.
And the truth is he does have a right to his feelings.
I am in so much pain, and having mutilational thoughts. But - took my prescribed pill and will not hurt self, truly.
Friend coming over in a little while, and dr. later.
I am in so much pain and also numb at the same time, whether that makes sense or not. It just is.
I have loved this man for almost 30 years.
I have fucked it all up.
He was sweet and caring, but expressed that he believes it was never meant to be and that the core was never right. Based on each of our co-dependence etc. (He only mentioned his own).
He did not negate the romance, friendship, sex, and love we've had. He acknowledged it. But says has never felt - in any area: self, work, us, etc. - what he's finally begun to realize is available for the feeling. And he wants that. I cannot blame him.
Again, he was very nice, and caring. And even offered to fix my toilet. NOT trying to hurt me.
But he is a person. And he deserves to have happiness. And I do love him. Were I to try to trap him in ANY way, be it sex or guilt or pity or ANYTHING, that would be USING - not LOVE. I love him and want what's best for him.
My heart is broken in pieces.
I cannot even express it.
But he does miss me and I him. In the great friendship sense. He is open to that. AS LONG AS:
1. it does not give me false hopes - he very dearly wants to avoid that
and
2. if/when one of us becomes romantically involved with another, we probably couldn't continue our friendship because the other wouldn't want it.
I also don't want him to think that I am trying to manipulate things back.
I'm not. I do want what's best for him. And for me. And would love to be able to do some things together, like a movie or something. Which we were unable to do as long as this decision business was hanging over our heads.
He said that he knows if we tried - in terms of a future together - a or b or c, we could have some great times and maybe even romance, but that it would be like "painting over mildew." Because the core is not what he needs it to be.
I am drained. So much to say. Cannot say anymore right now I think.
Thank you so much for listening, if you are there.
I am sad to read this. I know you had put so much love and positive energy out. Sometimes life, sometimes life does not work out the way we had hoped. Jack Layton said it of his treatment of cancer... "Unfortunately my treatment has not worked out as I hoped." I am truly sorry to hear you are hurting.
ReplyDeleteKeep telling yourself every day, many times if you need to that *you are a whole person*. You don't need another person to make you whole.
You will be OK. You will. Oh yes, you will.
I am sending you love and positive thoughts. I'm sorry this is happening....but glad that's it's happening now, and not some many months from now when your heart and soul will be so much more invested. You've been on a path of healing. And this will hurt. Hard. But you'll get back on your path and carry on. And now it can truly and honestly be about YOU and YOUR well being. You can do this. Love.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me heart ache for you. I'm so sorry that this is the way it is. Bless J for being gentle, loving and honest. You are worthy of the respect he is giving you and much much more. You are also worthy to be loved completely. I have faith and hope that you will find that love.
ReplyDeleteWe are here for you. Picture us holding you close and giving you a big hug.