So.
It is time I admit this fully in one place. Although it's been sprinkled throughout and no one who "knows" me at all should be surprised.
I feel like a failure.
I am not a failure, but I feel like one.
And having some terrible and embarrassing phobias, I have been at times unable to do the simplest little nothings, about which other people don't think twice!
Like go to the drugstore. I'm not kidding.
So for THAT,
my relationship with L has been worthwhile.
It has also been worthwhile because I had fun with him and he with me.
And some nice sex.
And it got me out of myself.
And driving a lot. Farther and over bridges...
I was fine in tunnels, and on lower level of the GW Bridge.
These are firsts in DECADES!
Also nice being loved.
And loving.
And having sleepovers.
And orgasms.
And going out on double dates...
But the truth is as follows.
L. has an impotence problem. It is psychological, I am sure. As are the MDs he's seen. But he "tried" two therapists and no no no won't go. Is convinced it is physiological. He HAS had erections with me. And he has had a few orgasms but - it's not "normal."
Okay.
He also lives in a very very messy house. Like hording. Not as bad as on the tv shows, but still.
And - much bigger,
he has a mental illness.
It is a form of D.I.D. Like multiple personality. There is this little child personality who co-exists with L. L believes in him FULLY. CANNOT entertain the thought that this little guy is not real. Is CONVINCED everyone else who thinks so is crazy.
L. is about 60 years old, and has never been married or engaged and never lived with a woman.
He spends many hours a week (30? more?) doing music things at his computer. He is happy this way.
He is brilliant (truly), funny, kind, COMPASSIONATE and I LOVE that, pretty generous, has a great career and is highly respected there, is very affectionate and caressy, is appreciative, is a master at oral sex omg, eats very cleanly, does not have alcohol or drug or gambling problems or any physical diseases, owns his home no mortgage, pays his taxes, saves money, is responsible, his clothes and dishes are clean.
But no long-term adult male-female relationships PLUS that house PLUS the impotence problem (and he will NOT consider a pill) PLUS the mental illness - - -
is a LOT.
So I can't imagine being with L. long-term.
Although I may SEE him next weekend. And he would like to take me out for my birthday...
A.
I have mentioned A. a few times and have never told who he is. Here is who he is. Gulp.
He is a guy.
I have known OF him through L. and their friends. Particularly as per his politics which don't agree with most of ours. And he can apparently be a bit pig-headed about them.
I met him in person for about 2 minutes - literally - at a party in Aug. I did not like him, as he said something about my large breasts. I thought that REALLY rude and crude.
But I emailed him a question in December, having gotten his email from mutual friends. He didn't mind at all, answered, and started IMing with me. It was pleasant. He wanted to do skype and some sexual things. No. I would not.
But - we have become kind of close friends - have much in common inside - and have supported each other through some tough things. And laughed together.
And - uh oh had some cyber sex together too.
I have kept going back and forth. Wavering. Not gonna talk to him anymore. Yes gonna. Not gonna cyber sex with him ever again - yes gonna. . . .
I'm his paramour.
And I was liking the role.
In a way.
He wanted pics sent - private ones. No.
And to come visit me here. No.
Little - suggestive but not like between legs stuff!
He did send. Oh boy.
I was liking no expectations his or mine. So sophisticated... Just fun. And kindness and support.
But -
A. is married. Sort of. I mean it's like an open marriage. I have met her too. They live in 2 different houses. They only see each other a few hours on weekends. One obligatory sex session about 30 minutes once a weekend. She knew he wanted to leave her, for another woman. He'd had an affair. Of love. For years. But he wound up not leaving because hurting wife so much. She doesn't seem to care what the hell else he does as long as they stay married. "Married." *I* don't understand. Even "lets" him go stay at female friends' houses for weekends about once a month. Says, "Have fun."
My dr. says what we're doing is fine. Wife wouldn't care. But to NOT see him in person.
I also feel funny about L. Because if he knew, it would hurt him. But dr. says NOT cheating. Not IN relationship with L. now.
M agrees with dr. on both.
Both say - just make sure don't do anything or let him or anyone do anything make you feel bad about self.
I have been depressed big big bad 3 x lately. Christmas Day and 2 Sundays. And cry once or twice every day pretty much.
Dr. says because "relationship" with A. is still "relationship" of sorts and this is my problem so it will come up. And learn to deal with it. Jealousy etc.
Not feeling good enough...
Okay.
Have been missing J. terribly.
Too painful to even go into HERE!
Suffice it to say,
he has been calling. And nice. And offering some helps.
And that felt good.
And got my hopes up.
Which also brought pain.
And it turns out he "is sure I WILL become more independent" but will help me with some things for now.
Hurt hurt hurt.
And I'm starting to think he never really loved me or at least thinks he never did oh God.
And I have had NO motivation re: the online dating sites. None. Maybe by summer? ...
And so, each day, I'm going to try to do something that I would find it easier to let J do.
Hence the upcoming "Independence" post. For as embarrassing as it is!
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