My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. That L helped me so much yesterday with pushes and support about the mother stuff 2. And last week. 3. On more than one occasion. 4. That I fought all those fears 5. And won. 6. And did every single thing, though each so scary to me, that I needed to do for my mother 7. She fucked up and changed it all and I was (am?) furious. But – I did it all. And stayed calm when she later fucked it all up. 8. That I did step outside my comfort zone. 9. That every time I step outside of my comfort zone, my comfort zone expands. 10. That J is helping me understand the bills 11. That we had that little talk the other night. 12. After 3 long weeks (!), I will get to see L. today after work! Yay! 13. That my OA sponsor is so supportive 14. That I WILL call him today 15. That I DID do my laundry last night. No matter how tired and stressed I was! 16. That I did get the garbage out today 17. That I an get a day from work when I really NEED it 18. That I am breathing on my own. I remember when breath was hard 19. That I have plenty of food 20. And water for drinking 21. And bathing 22. And showering 23. And washing clothes 24. And washing dishes 25. And swimming in the salt water 26. And the fresh water 27. And pools 28. That yesterday’s weather was so lovely 29. And today’s seems so far to be too 30. That I am DOING these gratitudes today 31. That my computer came back on yesterday morning after going out the other night 32. That is ti Friday 33. That we have the staff thingy 34. That L is coming 35. That he gives me orgasms 36. And has them with me too 37. I will get to kiss with him today. I can’t wait. 38. That I have this blog 39. That people look at it. I am not alone in cyberspace 40. That I have life 41. And now it is Saturday. I am So GRATEFUL. L slept here, and SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT 42. That means ALL 3 TIMES, he, who has insomnia at home, has slept through the night here. That brings me such pleasure. 43. I am grateful that I gave the students their party and presents. They worked on those behaviors all year. 44. And they were SO HAPPY AND GRATEFUL for the PRESENTS 45. And I am grateful that I get SO MUCH PLEASURE out of giving to them! 46. I am grateful that I decided to NOT re-approach the aide who it turns out really IS a saboteur. Because what would have been my reasons? And what good could have come out of it? 47. And – I am grateful that another real reason was that I am aware that I’m “above” her in the hierarchy at work. And as someone who writes her evaluation, I don’t need to make her feel uncomfortable. Nor to push my own…well, you know, I have the power in that situation. I don’t always act it, but I do. 48. I am grateful that right now, L. is in the l.r. listening to music and writing one of his reviews. And I am in the sunroom doing gratitudes. I love this. I think it is very important that we be able to each do our own thing while still together. 49. I am so grateful that I ran to him at the door yesterday when he got here, after three long weeks. 50. And that the very first thing, he literally “dropped” his bags down on the floor inside the door and kissed me. 51. And that although I feel I am in love with him. I am not saying that –that way – yet. Because for example, when M wanted to talk with me on the phone this morning, but VERY MUCH wanted NOT to interrupt my time with L, he suggested we have a 3-way conversation. And at the end of it, she went on and on to him –about me! And she was saying that she loves him and thinks we are a great couple together, and that as happy as she is for me to have him, and she knows he cares about me and is happy for that, that she knows he cannot possibly know how deep my goodness goes. And and and. And she said, really, it will take more time for you to realize what an absolute diamond you have. And he answered, “I am – beginning – to realize that.” I think he IS slow to sort of give in to loving sort of feelings. I think he is terrified of being tied down or something. Meanwhile, I have no designs on tying him down… 52. I am so grateful for the AMAZING “physical rapport” as he calls it, that we have together. 53. And particularly those kisses last night. Sweet, soft, slow, varied. Intense. With those most gorgeous lips. And that tongue. Oh his kisses transport me. 54. Sviridov. 55. That L has introduced me to the amazing works of this composer. Apparently there are few of the really great ones; he had peaks and these are from those peaks. 56. And that this top, well-known, top top top Russian composer, whose music L loved so much – corresponded with L! 57. L eventually wrote to Sviridov. And S wrote back. And L and S and so on. And after a time S even asked for L’s photo, so as to picture the person with whom he was corresponding so happily, from Russia to America! 58. And L still has those letters, of course. 59. And Sviridov sent him LPs as well! 60. And even scores! 61. And L brought some of the scores here last night. 62. And played from them on the piano for me! 63. And I looked at them… What a thrill it all was/is. 64. And Dutilleux. My first introduction, about a month ago, was – well the music was odd to me. But this piece which L is playing right now, is so beautiful! 65. I am so grateful for the amazing(!) massage L gave me this morning! It helped SO MUCH with my neck pain and symptoms. You see, since my injury and that horrible year of 1999, once in a while (3x a year?) I am in so much pain. In my neck. And down one or both arms. And my hands are swollen and very painful. I literally had to get up and out of bed before L this morning! But he gave me a massage that truly helped. 66. And – felt like heaven. 67. And I have decided, and told him, that I am going to take a class in giving massages! And I am going to know how. And I am going to give him some! (And then he also told me that he has done so). 68. I am so grateful that I am doing this now. And am about to meditate in here, by myself. He really doesn’t want to. And I do. And that’s fine. 69. I am so grateful for K, who is coming here a week from today, to give Reiki and one other thing to L (he will choose) 70. And that although it still needs work, I AM sitting in my sunroom. Right now. With a beautiful cool breeze blowing in through the trees through the windows and door to and across me. 71. And that a few things happened last night, which I was afraid I might forget but really wanted to list here in my gratitudes, and I HAVE forgotten the details, but they happened and did cause those feelings. 72. That my mother was not quite as, well, insane about the money stuff yesterday. Oy. 73. And that my sponsor told me after my very frustrating and disappointing (!!) day with her Friday! that: Yes, that is disappointing. And who told you a day has to go exactly the way you decide? 74. And he also said, So you need to control someone else’s decisions because you know best for them and it all has to be your way? This helped me too. 75. Today’s Voices of Recovery. Liking the results I get from discipline, but not the pain, discomfort, and patience it requires – I needed to hear that this very day, regarding meditation! 76. And the whole rest of that one too! 77. In the sunroom, doing my readings. And just heard L, from the l.r., say, “Mmmmm,” as he was finishing his plate. 78. What we are (in two different rooms) having for breakfast: red chard with garlic, oil, pine nuts and sea salt; kale with garlic, oil, pumpkin seeds and sea salt; and zucchini shredded like pasta with vegan pesto. I am very grateful for this breakfast! 79. That I did NOT overeat yesterday! 80. Woooow! Today’s The Language of Letting Go is enormously important – and wonderful – to me. 81. And now L is helping me to get to 100 today. He is sitting here now talking with this weird looking finger puppet ugly man thing. It is hysterical. 82. Having fun and laughter. 83. That the little puppet guy is kinda cute. 84. And has added yet more joy to our life. Yes – I KNOW how crazy this sounds. But we are having fun… 85. The birdsong outside our windows right now. 86. I am grateful that Thich Nhat Hahn taught me to meditate. 87. My fresh basil plant. 88. Vitamins 89. This wrought iron table 90. L’s feet 91. My dear L is so appreciating the food 92. And the healthy drink 93. And my homemade vegan pesto like delicious healthy thing 94. He even made toast and put it on there 95. And he so appreciates that I make him so at home here. 96. I am so so grateful that he is at home here 97. And that he is here 98. And that J called last night, to see how I am and how my mother is. I would like to be friends with him. I do not know if that if possible. But I would like it. I think. 99. I am so grateful for EJ 100. And for Birdie 101. And for JJ 102. And for you. I hope this helps anyone who reads it! Amen.