Religious Spirituality, God, Yesterday, and Me

I feel that this is my most important journal entry every so far.

Someone from the convent where they hold all these great activities called the other night while I was sleeping. I promised I would show up Friday after work. Fri. my friend needed me, and I forgot all about it.
That night, Ma. called and said she would like me to go there with her Sat. I said yes.
In the car after she picked me up, she said she actually couldn't go because she'd be there all day Sun. and needed to do a lot of other stuff, but was driving me and picking me up. I was such a wreck I cried that I was afraid. She walked me in. (Need more CoDA!). She also said I'd get out at 1 (this being 9am). I got out at 2:50.

But it was very nice.
I did cry, and have been questioning God... But Ma'd said the more I put up a barrier the worse everything will become.

So someone spoke (in Spanish but they had translation in my ear). I was instructed to take notes.
Then we were to read some gospel passages. Take notes and pray and write to God.

These are some of my notes:

"When Jesus says, 'I am the way, the truth and the life,' that means there is no other way.

"Many times we walk around depressed in despair and that emptiness. Because without God we can never. The crucial piece of the puzzle is missing.
When you are not convinced that this is your destiny, depression etc.
When you are convinced the Lord is calling you to recreate His life, you have your destiny.
The problem is when we don't look at Jesus, we look at the world.
That's why Jesus was not afraid. Because He knew His destiny."

"Stop living your past. Start living your new life. 'I am your way and your life. Follow.'"

"Give Him your pride, self-sufficiency, and selfishness. It's not about picking up the net and leaving other people and things behind. But leaving yourself out of the picture. Listen to the Word."

"Shake it up and get rid of everything that makes your life a burden. Break those chains."
"Start a way of profound prayer every day in your own life."

"If the light in you goes out, it will be a terrible darkness.
Nobody can prevent you from loving because your identity is to love."

"Today, take a step forward and listen to the Word and believe it. Truly.
Don't be married to your ego."
"There is no middle ground. Marry Christ."

"Married couples don't work because you are married to your ego. And that sucks it out of you."

"Only through you, your life, the other person can go through and convert.
Holy Spirit..."

"You need to leave your "boat:" all of your securities, ego, etc. and don't look for securities in this world, or in yourself, but in Christ."

"Listen first to Christ, then spouse, then children, then community."

"Release all of the junk. There is no security. Life has no guarantees."

"You think that you are secure. you place your life in things that pass, in things that can be taken away.
Look at Christ and be happy to live the gospel. That equals freedom and happiness."

"Give Him that vinegar, all your vinegar. Because he's going to transform it, and give it His Spirit."

****Just yesterday morning, I had prayed to God that once and for all I was asking Him to heal my marriage. And then I would let it go. Give it over to Him and trust and let it go.

Then I heard all of this.

--

Then I started the readings and praying and writing.
It involved for me some hope, some comfort, some nothing, and some questioning.

Then we met in small groups. Most people there speak Spanish and I speak only English, so they grouped English-speaking people for me.

I cried so much.
And shared my questioning.
The leader, a missionary, asked me to commit to something for this week.
So I committed to go to the Blessed Sacrament for 4 mornings, and to go back to this next Saturday.

But then, waiting outside for Ma., I started sinking a bit. Someone else standing there talked to me...

And in the car, Ma said:
Just because J said what he said, does not mean it is so. It could be him, or it could be his lack of faith (he's an atheist) and an evil influence...
Also, you don't go to the doctor and tell the doctor what's wrong with you and diagnose it yourself and instruct the doctor exactly how to help you and on what timetable.
Maybe you shouldn't do that with God either.
Maybe it's in His time.

Yeah yeah yeah but I was still feeling like crap.

Then she said,
Maybe God wants you to use this time to fall in love with Him.
Not to make your husband your God.
Maybe you have to do that.
Grow, yourself, and put God first.
Stop concentrating on only J, J, J.
That really hit me.

I know one person who reads my blog e-mailed me that I should consider stopping making my Affirmations about J. (And thank you for the love, if you see this).

Then I had that whole morning.

And something clicked.

*****So,
having decided in the morning to turn the marriage over to God and trust,
then having that morning,
I realized it is time I put Him first, and my own growth second.

I can't stop wishing for the marriage to heal.
But I cannot concentrate only on that.

It will be like this:
God
my growth
my students, whom I am privileged to serve (and their parents, whom I am also there
for)
my family and friends (right now my family is only my mother)
then, J. and whether/what/how/if to heal the marriage ever

Wow. That's a first.

Anyway, Wed. on the phone I had talked with my dr. about whether to be friends with J. Long story short, he said yes. I had been sleeping on that idea, and continued to, and realized yes, I want that and can do that, and it would probably be good for him too, as he had said. So I had written an e-mail Fri to him about possible getting together Sat.
Well last night, after all of that, we spoke.
1. We *will* get together - as friends - and I am happy about that. He is a beautiful man and I love him and miss him and want what's best for him. And I miss hearing about his business, seeing a movie together, etc.
2. He wants to come with me and my mom today for her birthday!
So I will spend the afternoon with her, and then he will meet us and we will go to dinner. I am very happy about this for HER. It will make her very happy.

I am tired and have a lot to do around here, and don't want to do it, and am somewhat phobic about how to make a birthday nice. But I will bring my mother a nice card and flowers. Maybe a balloon. We will chat and have lunch (I'll bring). Maybe watch some tv (she loves that).
Then we'll go to dinner.

And I will continue to try to put my relationship with *God* first.

Amen.