Journal

Must do some.
Miss blog so much.
Typing hurts.
Will combine here today, and hopefully, with continued physical therapy, will get back to normal.

I am grateful for breath. Voice. Water. Friends. A fun day yesterday with O. Buying some much needed(!) fall clothes. Doggie here with me this weekend. Seeing mother yesterday. The beautiful weather, trees blowing in the wind, so many birds singing yesterday. Amazing food at great price at Chinese/Japanese/Malaysian place. Healthy too. . . .

I *will* bring doggie to visit my mother a bit today. That makes her so happy (mother). Well, doggie too:)
I *will* do some laundry!
I *will* get my garbage out this week, damn it.
I *will* straighten - enough - today.
And although I know (expect anyway) that I'll do great at my job this week, I will try to do something after too. Like the *gym.*

During the last week and a half:
-my best friend was sick
-second one was away
-third one was waiting for serious medical test results while dealing with lots of family things
-fourth one was crazed with work issues plus lots of family stuff
-sponsor has early Alzheimers
-dr. couldn't make it. Then came next time and I found out he is going through a divorce of his own
-and husband went away to first next-generation wedding. out of town. without me. I've known this young man, our nephew, since he was born. ouch ouch ouch. i have no family.
-all while starting school (teacher). and speaking at open house (stress). not an easy couple of weeks
*but i am aware it is easy compared to many people who have lived/live on this planet. and i am in a state of gratitude, still.

now i'm wondering about program. I don't want to need it. don't want to do it...
but maybe i'll go this morning to oa just to see.
it would also be good for me to have these to go to in the evenings instead of crapping out depressed in front of tv.
and maybe could help me not overeat...
but i have been okay with weight-loss and eating without them, and i'm afraid that makes me think i don't need...

mostly, my heart is just broken without J.
but best friend, who knows him for over 20 years and loves him and is very smart and appreciates who he is, says it's not so all-about-me as i think and he says. She says he is finding himself, which he never did as a teen or twenty-something... must individuate. from me as would have from parents...
i know she is right
i just want it to work out that he comes back

*********if anybody reads this, trust me - journal. just writing this out has helped lift a bit of the depression, and helped me decide to take some action on my own behalf: shower and meeting!

and if anybody reads this, please know i love you and you are helping me tremendously.

God bless us all.