Not all new, not a whole hundred maybe.
But although I feel miserable this morning, as always, I know I was aware of gratitudes last night.
Typing is a problem, but I can do some.
Let me think about what I'm grateful for now, even if repeating from past. Whatever is real.
I am grateful:
1. I've never had a stroke
2. I have eyesight
3. I can walk
4. I can get to work
5. I can think well at work
6. I have never been abducted
7. Or a victim of a violent crime
8. I have a home
9. I have enough water
10. I am not as interested in junk food comforting me as I used to be
11. I have friends.
12. I do not have heart disease.
13. I love my class. They're innocents. Lots of work, and I'm exhausted, but they're innocents.
14. I know that as bad as I feel sitting here, it will get better after shower and dress and get to work.
15. I've been looking good every day.
16. My shrink comes today.
17. I have good books.
18. I have a book club.
19. It winds up being free.
20. We gave my mother a great birthday Sunday. She was very happy.
21. I will spend an afternoon with her this weekend. She loves that too. (And so do I.)
22. Although I'm screwed up, I am a good person.
23. Minnie Mouse and other innocent characters that are just happy.
24. All the vacations J. and I have taken.
25. Hope for the future.
26. I am literate.
27. I have access to the internet and a blog.
28. My car has gas in it.
29. J. and I will have an evening together within a week, probably. That'll be nice.
30. I'll see doggie soon too. I miss her.
31. I have access to a great church community. I just have to work out a schedule and how to use it.
32. J. is still paying the bills (with my salary but he's doing it). I don't want to take that on now.
33. No attack on 9/11 this year, despite threats.
34. My classroom. I'm keeping it so neat. It's got kind of a zen feeling.
35. Temporarily, throughout different times of day, 4 aides.
36. That I didn't stay up through the whole Jackie Kennedy thing last night. I got sleep.
37. That people at work respect me.
38. That MA came to my classroom straight from putting down her cat. It was lunchtime, and I'm glad she came in to me for comfort.
39. I was extremely busy, but I'm so glad I pushed everything aside and just gave her the time.
40. I have to clean this place this weekend. Or at least straighten it. And I believe I will.
41. Inspirational e-mails that come.
42. 12 step groups. I'm not really participating these weeks, but these groups do help many many people. I have OA and CoDA and should participate. I'm grateful they exist.
43. Elephants.
44. Coffee.
45. The coffee maker I bought for J., because he wanted it so much, and which now serves me so well.
46. That I'm doing my physical therapy hand exercises every single day. I"m trying to avoid surgery, and maybe I will!
47. Wow. Interesting. Today's For Today: "Man is not the sum total of what he has already, but rather the sum of what he does not yet have, of what he could have." Jean Paul Sartre. That gives me hope somehow.
48. And it says, 'How do I know what I can be, or have?
49. "Is great understanding of others possible?
50. "I am open to deriving more from experience, to relishing simple things and living with a kind of hale and hearty pleasure."
51. That I am so cheerful at work. That's really good. I'm so grateful I can do it.
52. And For Today goes on to say: "If I am willing to give up being quite so special or different, I may be able to give up my protective cover for a new way of seeing and believing and being.
53. And "An awareness of the shortcomings that remain shows me what I do not yet have - and could attain.
54. For Today Sept. 11: "tomorrow's life is too late. Live today." Martial
55. And "I am abstaining TODAY because it is today's life I am liveing. I do not know if I can binge today and say, 'I will abstain tomorrow'"
56. Today's Voices of Recovery: "Many of us tried fasting, with and withoug a doctor's supervision. Usually we lost weight, but as soon as we started eating again, the compulsive eating behavior returned, along with the weight." OA 12 & 12 p. 10. So true.
57. And on Sept. 13: "We pray about these things, not so we can get our way, but so we can bring our will regarding them into alignment with God's will" OA 12 & 12 94-95
58. Oh boy, and this: "So this is where I'm supposed to be. I may want something, but I no longer need to translate it into a false need. I do my best, and then I let go."
59. It says my best. It does not say it has to be THE best. Just the best I can do.
60. And it says then I let go.
61. And: "I do what is right in front of me, accepting my Higher Power's will."
62. That I did not get in an accident yesterday on the way phone. I should never have been talking with MA on the way home. I am committed to not do that again.
63. Sept. 12: "There were the days when I drove my car to a junk food place . . . With one hand on the steering wheel and the other fishing something out of a bag, I was lucky I never had an accident. If driving while intoxicated with food were an offense, I would have been fined countless times." Lifeline Sampler p. 131. Wow.
64. "Many times I have recognized the insanity of my behavior.
65. The admission that I have a problem with eating is the beginning of my willingness to recover.
66. "I am powerless over food and over my eating habits.
67. "I learn in OA that my powerlessness is the bedrock on which I can build a new life.
68. "Weakness is the glue that binds me to others in this program, and I can accept that I need help even after I have abstained from compulsive eating for years.
69. That I can be gracious about things right now.
70. Voices of Recovery Sept. 11: "Remembering that our goal is to develop a closer conscious contact with God, prayer is simply what we do when we talk with our Higher Power, and meditation is simply a way of stilling our minds and opening our spirits to God's influence." OA 12 & 12 p. 93
71. And it goes on to say: "...Then one day, as unexpectedly as a fresh rain shower in spring, I received a gift from the universe. I made the genuine connection between requested prayer and subsequent blessing." I'm not sure I understand this, but I like hearing it.
72. Then it sayas, "I finally succumbed to the idea that 'nothing, absolutely nothing' is without design and purpose. It was a simple gift, really. I asked: I received. Suddenly the door of faith swung open widely enough for me to concede that God does exist, and He engineers circumstances to bring aobut my highest good. Thank God for OA!" May it be true.
73. I'm grateful for this reminder, on Sept. 10th's page: "For a compulsive overeater, eating is attached to emotions. We are never fully satisfied, no matter how much we eat, because we are eating for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons." That's big.
74. And it says, "The OA program has taught me to reach out for emotional nourishment instead."
75. And "I do this by calling program friends, attending meetings, and reading the literature.
76. And "The promises are coming true, one day at at time.
77. For Today on Setp. 9: "Minds, like bodies, will often fall into a pimpled, ill-conditioned state from mrere excess of comfort." Charles Dickens
78. And "Excess kills the very qualities I seek in anything, be it possessions, activities or food.
79. And "Compulsive overeating gives the illusion of comfort, but what begins as an attempt to fill unmet needs soon takes on a life of its own, demanding more and giving less in return.
80. "True comfrot is to be found in the balance and sanity of abstinence.
81. "So deep and pure is this comfort that it is well worth whatever trouble or pain I might have to pass through to attain it."
82. "For today: Abstinence from compulsive overeating is a state of min, not a diet. God grant me abstinence today and, if need be, the willingness to go to any length to get it."
83. And i can try to apply this to keeping this place neat, too.
84. Although I would like more energy, I'm glad I have enough to do my job well. I do want more though, to keep this place neat and to have a life. But at least I have that much.
85. That depression may not last forever. Maybe.
86. Oh. Hard one. But important. Today's In This Moment: "In This Moment, I accept my codependence."
87. "Today, I understand that admitting powerlessness needn't bye admitting defeat.
88. "Instead, it's a step toward self-acceptance and self-awareness.
89. And this: "Now, when I'm at a meeting and I hear about this 'deeply rooted, compulsive behavior.'
90. "I apply it to myself without shame. I am a codependent, gratefullly recovering one day at a time."
91. Sept. 13: "In This Moment, I let go of my need for approval." Important.
92. "There are occasions in my life when I think I need the love and approval of another person to feel good about myself. Any form of rejection only verifies my feeling of los self-worth, and starts me on a spiral of negativity and depression. My Step Four inventory opens my eyes to this harmful cycle. My situation will not change until I change.
93. "With the help of my Higher Power, who loves and cares for me, I am learning to love and value myself; including my feelings, thoughts, opinions, and beliefs.
94. "Gradually, outside approval becomes less important, and I begin to see myself as valuable and strong.
95. And this, which I see as a promise: "Today, I work on loving and valuing myself. As my nee for approval from others decreases, my level of happiness increases, I view myself as a whole, lovable person."
96. Sept. 12 says, among other things: "I affirm my powerlessness over others." I need that.
97. God in my life.
98. Hope.
99. My breath. I remember when I struggled for it.
100. Lessons from the boy in my class who has CP.
101. And from the boy who has diabetes.
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