Journal

Maybe the numb is wearing off and the realities are settling in.

On top of that, Wed my shrink couldn't make it, MA has been sick, O is away, St is busy with family plus waiting for biopsy results on her husband, M is very busy and stressed, so I haven't had friends-fun or friends-support and I have had:

daily awakening at 3 in the most horrible state. Often after a beautiful dream where J. says, "what do you mean you thought I didn't love me? I can't believe you felt that. Oh you poor thing. I love you more than words can say!" And I feel, "Oh thank God, thank God thank God thank God, it was all a nightmare." Then I awaken. THUD.
So that by the time I see the students each morning, I have had just about 6 full hours of agony. Agony.
Agony while I shower, while I drink coffee, while I get my stuff ready, . . .
This feels almost unbearable to me.



But then,
I'm watching coverage on 9/11 last night and today,
plus I'm thinking of the suffering of terminally ill people and their pain
and so on
and I'm *trying* to get a perspective.

I am.

God, please please help me.

And I must start doing my daily stuff again no matter how I feel.
I think I must, anyway.