How can a person who was given so many assets be such a mess?
I am alone; I am lonely; I am so depressed.
I have cared first and foremost about one thing for about 28 years: being with J. And now I am not with him.
I have managed when he had trouble with his family and I with mine, to have holidays and times with him and my mom. And now she'll soon be dying.
I have been a relatively well-read, well-educated person. And yet I put all my eggs in one basket.
I, who have hated denial more than anything, have denied to myself who I was and what was happening in my own life, my own marriage, my own home.
I have built nothing. Nothing but loneliness and despair. Nothing to hope for in the future.
So who's the real fool?
Not the people I used to think were dumber, or not as nice, or not as pretty, or not as lucky, ... ...
No.
I am the real fool.
I do not personally know one other person who is depressed *and* alone and in the shape I'm in.
I see families all around me.
I.
Am.
A.
Loser.
And I am very scared.
Oh, oh, oh. You dear one, are being awfully horrible to yourself. Nobody deserves that sort of treatment. And you are never alone when you are in recovery. Call your sponsor! Get out your phone list. And above all be patient with yourself.
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