Today

I don't know why this happens.
I was awake on and off since 2:30 am.
When I stayed awake, (4 or so?) I just felt so strongly - for so long - that - I'm done. I don't want to live anymore. I am ready to die.
I won't do something about it.
But - I looked around (the dark room) and thought, "My God. This is really my life. Wow. I don't want it."
I have done some positive things, and will continue to.  I am holding onto hope.  During weekdays my thoughts, time and energy all go to the children. I am sad that I have no REAL other life, but happy to give to them. And I even have some fun!  On weekends it is much harder. I CANNOT get myself to do what I HAVE TO do.  I don't know if even the dr. can help me with this:(
I will eat greens, force myself to see my mother, read, play piano, talk to or see a friend today. 

Oh - and grats. Will do grats too.