Very Meaningful Gratitudes

I am grateful:

1. That I planned the London trip.
2. That I did it almost all by myself.
3. That I used Ma’s phone to call because I don’t have international calling service.
4. That I got to the plane.
5. And that I got on the plane lol.
6. That it is 4am and I am alive.
7. That it is Wednesday and my doctor comes today. I haven’t seen him in three weeks!
8. That I’ll have a check for him.
9. That I filed for divorce.
10. That means my “extra” check that we get every end of March, with fewer deductions, is not half his.
11. Nor is my upcoming few hundred from the courses.
12. Or my upcoming 1500 or so from my summer work.
13. That if I have any say over it (and he does not rape me financially), I will be very generous with him, even though I don’t “have money.” Because I’m grateful that I am decent.
14. But I will not “screw myself.” I am grateful for at least this amount of self-care.
15. That I had a safe flight to London!
16. And even comfortable!
17. That some junky things like tabloid magazines, sitcoms, and even another site I used to use, seem trivial to me now, after my time with TNH. I am not criticizing them or anybody who likes them, as I did/do! I’m just saying that after time with Thich Nhat Hahn, I don’t care about this stuff. And I, who have been “addicted” to it, am very grateful about that!
18. For my online spiritual community.
19. That the taxi driver who took me from Heathrow to my room was so nice
20. And that he took me all around on a little tour
21. And didn’t charge me extra for it.
22. And that when I stupidly went into that money exchange place and laid out all that money, alone in the dark with that man behind the counter, my driver came running in and stood with me counting.
23. And then back in the car he admonished me to never do that again anywhere.
24. I felt safe.
25. That I adjusted to my teeny tiny room (like 8 x 12!) within about 2 hours!
26. And that my bathroom, although tiny and without a bathtub (shower only) was white and clean.
27. And that the reception man set up my internet for me
28. And my window too
29. And that from beneath my window, I could hear heels clacking on the street at night.
30. And British accents.
31. And in the mornings – oh – the birds! It sounded like HUNDREDS of birds singing. I awoke to that most mornings, not the alarm: )
32. My first day of sightseeing, as the course was to begin at 4:30 pm.
33. St. Paul’s Cathedral.
34. Tracing Princess Diana’s steps from the day of her wedding. Up and down the outside stairs, to the altar, to the side for signing and veil re-doing, and back down and out.
35. And that I was able to buy little costume earrings there.
36. And London coasters. I am blessed to be able to afford these frivolities, financially.
37. The Tower. I’m so glad after reading about it on and off for 43 years, that I finally got to see it.
38. And I’m grateful that I skipped the torture part. I did not need that in my head.
39. And that I stood in the spot where Anne Boleyn was beheaded. This was a solemn, sacred time, not a sightseeing time.
40. And the same with seeing where Lady Jane Grey and poor little Catherine Howard were killed.
41. And that I ended that tour with the Royal Crown Jewels. More positive.
42. My 10-minute walk to my course for the 4 days.
43. And the amazing weather throughout them.
44. The Orientation talk by Thich Nhat Hahn.
45. And that it was so much about self-care.
46. And my taking a car back to the hotel, in the dark.
47. That the course was like a retreat!
48. And had vegan foods for 3 meals a day.
49. Plus always tea out.
50. That M bought me that passport holder to wear around my neck. I used that for my passport and money at all times and never carried a pocketbook!
51. Every dharma talk by TNH.
52. And by the nun and monk that other day.
53. And – that we all (about 275 of us) went to Trafalgar Square for a “Sit for Peace.” !
54. And that I found this link. Although the gorgeous chant to Avalokiteshvara is torturously slow, and edited badly, the feeling is evoked here and they’ve included some beautiful words of his. It’s worth the almost 11 minutes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOvZkysSXek
55. ½ hour talk with M this morning. I’m glad we had it. AND I’m glad it wasn’t 2 hours.
56. The meltdown I had last Sunday (a week and a half ago) at the retreat, in London. Because it was real
57. And mainly because it got me to the help from the man at the school where the retreat took place.
58. And coffee (I was having caffeine withdrawal, among other things).
59. And the Buddhist nun who met me to talk together later that afternoon.
60. And the helpful things she told me. Including: VERY helpful!
She listened to everything. Then told me (said roughly here) it was too much stimulation. Reviewed with me some of the most basic practices of TNH, but thoroughly in their importance, and suggested that she felt I needed NO MORE STIMULATION this day.
61. Said hoped I would not, "go out of myself at all." "not with your ears, nor your eyes, nor your heart, nor your personality, your voice..."
62. Just go within. Stand firmly on Mother Earth. Feel through your foot, your rootedness in her.
63. Walk mindfully. Do not take the next step until you are fully at home in the one.
64. Sit quietly. Go to the park. There are two near here (and named them). Hug a tree. They are very rooted.
65. You are a child of Mother Earth. Sit on her, at the foot of that tree. Or - it might be too cold out, hug one, and sit inside, but connected to the earth. Be still.
66. Lie down and give all your pain, your worries, your overwhelming emotions, your suffering, back to your mother, Mother Earth.
67. Don't worry about Mother Earth getting "polluted" with our suffering. She will transform it. Into spring...
68. Embrace your suffering and care for it! Love it, be gentle with it.
Don't run from it. Don't harm it. Gentle it (my word here but her - Thay's - concept).
69. You have to get to comfort inside your own island. Comfort in your self.
70. NEVER use the teachings as a source of pain, guilt, or ANYTHING negative. The teachings are ONLY to bring JOY. If they bring pain, or even not JOY, then the person is not using them intelligently.
71. She said, stay quiet and still and in yourself today. TOMORROW you'll meditate with Thay in the morning, have breakfast, go to Dharma talk, but no stimulation today.
72. I did as she suggested. And it has really helped.
73. And these things are STILL helping me.
74. And I believe always will.
75. My dharma group.
76. The 3 London friends I made
77. The other Thay (TNH) talks
78. Getting back to my hotel after the end of the retreat on the last day
79. The next 3 days of sightseeing
80. Kensington Palace!
81. Bath!
82. Stonehenge!
83. Windsor Castle!
84. With the queen in residence
85. Harrods
86. And the lingerie I bought there
87. The 2 days on and off the city tour bus
88. And the 11 hour tour (to Windsor and Bath and Stonehenge)
89. And the local bus
90. And the tube! I took the underground! And didn’t have problems!
91. And the one day I was like 7 ½ stories below ground, I had less than a minute of anxiety.
92. And used Thay’s way: Hello, Anxiety. I see you. I will take care of you.
93. And it went right away!
94. Same with the moment of anxiety on the plane before takeoff to come home.
95. I have been lifted of my phobias!!!
96. That I share this fact with others.
97. And still call my sponsor
98. The safe trip home
99. And the taxi ride straight to L’s
100. And us kissing in the street while driver waited for me (us) to take bags from car. Like a movie: )