Journal

Letter I wrote in email to L, but decided not to send. It's TOO MUCH! Putting it in Journal instead. Will do grats and readings... later on. -- Good Morning My Dear, May I share? ***Am writing this passage after finishing the rest; have come back to do so. I feel much better having written these things. Don't waste time reading it when don't have time. If have time later, can read. Mmmmmmwah -- 1. Mary Allen. Biggest fear has always been suffocation, long before she'd heard of this disease or had any problems with her lungs. And she now feels that's how she will die. Wishes euthanasia were legal. Almost wishes some friend would help her out when the time comes. Of course I could never. I simply couldn't do it. But feel bad about that. After all, if it were legal could I? Perhaps not, since I can't even take the life of an ant but I'm not positive (IF it were legal). I did do it for my dear Mona (doggie - with vet). Also, I fear for my friend. And for my losing of her, little by little already, my best friend for well over 20 years, And that she's not even up to meeting you. She is a love; she is a top teacher - I know NONE better; she is a wordsmith; she is so so so bright; she is funny and irreverent. You are all these things too, and I know you would really enjoy each other. She even said, "I wish he had a 75 year old brother." I said I do too, for her. ***I *know* that death is part of life. I *know* that she still might have up to 5 years of some kind of quality, though diminishing. And I *know* that we have to accept these things. I am also aware of the arrogance of even expecting I'll be here that whole time. Of course I probably will be, but how we have such definite expectations... 2. My mother was not so well yesterday. Tired very early. Seemed distracted/stressed. It was unsettling. Brings up fear of losing mommy, also little by little, having already started. And anger that still can't tell her (John has a lot to do with that, as does my fear). And hurting for her. And feeling guilt. ***Again, *know* this is part of life. But why~~~ 3. John asked me if I'd "changed something at the bank." I said no what did he mean? He said he went to use *his* credit card to pay 2 things - both innocent - one was even my mother's life alert thing that has always "come out of his credit card," and it "got bounced back." I said I didn't know why and didn't do such a thing. Then I remembered: when I went to pay the bills online for the first time last Tuesday, there was no password. It wasn't in my notes from John. So I made calls and they finally told me to just change it right there with them on the phone, so I could get back in (after getting my private info from me to verify my identity). I did so. ***I didn't even give it a thought as to it being changed "from" John. After all, why would he be needing it...? Well, later that evening, I realized: He's been paying those things - on *his* credit card - from *my* checking! He has 20 thousand dollars (of mostly my money) in *his* checking! Use that! ***I *know* I have done my best in this John situation. And I have a good lawyer. And all I can do is do my best and then move on... I am interested in gentle and noble things, and really dislike this kind of garbage. It is hard for me to even face it. But I know I must. Can't wait for it to be past. I am so glad I have a lawyer, and a good one. I have used Thich Nhat Hahn's advice this morning and it is helping! But I'm not practiced enough to not have a little bit of nagging about these things. Fear is useless and all three situations, I think, are washed with fear. So I will *gentle* my fear and be fine. So thankful for this technique. But appreciate opportunity to get this stuff off my chest. Thank you for being there. -- Meanwhile, let's both have a joyous day:) My kids will be working on US States puzzles a little bit this morning. They'll love that! -- And now, a piece about the stupid government and testing. Excerpted straight from our superintendent's weekly letter Friday. You can't make this stuff up: "You may or may not have read yesterday’s Daily News coverage of the recent grade 8 English Language Arts test on which there was a reading passage about the pineapple and the hare. The written piece was a somewhat satirical version of the ancient fable The Tortoise and The Hare that ended with the mobile animals in the crowd eating the immobile pineapple. The author was subsequently asked to reveal the meaning of the passage; he commented that it was mainly supposed to be absurd and that he never would have chosen to use it on any test. Nonetheless, Pearson (the test-maker) asked the test-takers to muse on its Significance and to extract literal meaning where neither students nor adult readers could find any. Mainly, the whole point of the thing just seemed to be about being silly and stupid. "...to my view, the main point of the whole experience is that standardized tests are created by people; people are fallible; and the tests are therefore imperfect. The specific situation is only one small example of why it’s a mistake to impute more meaning to these kinds of measures than they actually have – which is what we’re all being required to do." -- Lastly, I need to meditate *every* day. Saturdays too. It is so good for me. Sort of against these kinds of things (above). But also *for* joy. Really a joyous practice. So I need to make the time on Sat. and Sun. which I've been skipping. Want to be involved? Even for 10 minutes, which does make a difference? Wanna try it a few times and see if you like it? Or should I fit it in *around* us... Either way~ -- Mwah mwah mwah Feeling much better now for having written this. Am now on phone with spiritual guy. Should go concentrate. Sending hugs, kisses, and caresses across the breezy rain to you. ==