Letter to L.

Probably wouldn't send it. Probably will though discuss it. Have been working on it since Sunday! Tells how I feel. L Dear, I do love you. Your sweetness, your authenticity, your lips, your brain, your caress, your humor, your smile, your gentle care for all who suffer, your integrity, your teaching, you as a lover, so many things. And the times we have together. But I do notice these same things coming up in my heart for months now. So I feel they need to be addressed. Okay. Here goes. 1. If you need someone assertive, or aggressive, or a leader type, we both need to face that that will not be me. I am more comfortable being a feminine energy. We shouldn’t waste your time. I will not be that person. For example, I don’t want to initiate physically. I mean, maybe 1 out of 5 times I could (although I’m used to 1 out of like 1000). But not more. And not if I’m rejected. 2. I don’t understand. You said you desire me. Then why don’t you touch me at all? Everything doesn’t have to lead to sex. I would think you would WANT my naked skin against yours. WANT to touch my breasts. WANT to . . .But you don’t. That is very upsetting to me. It’s less the touch itself even than the being DESIRED. How am I to reconcile you saying you desire me, with you not touching me in 9 weeks? You see, the big question is sort of this: You say you desire me, you used to touch me all the time. Is it/was it pretend? If not, why don’t you ever touch me anymore? 3. I was happier with my relationship last winter. So let’s see what was different: • You were acting very sexual. Like once or twice every weekend through March and half of April. • You were acting romantic. Like lovely romantic emails, pet names, noticing and commenting on so many things, regularly. Including my undies, my breasts, my curves, my toenails, my clothes, my skin, my scent, my eyelashes my eyes, my smile, my intelligence, my speech, my humor, my kiss, my touch. . . • When you were WITH me, you were WITH me. Not distracted. Not multi-tasking. Not up and down inconsistent warm then cold. • You brought me flowers, plants, jewelry,… • You sent two cards. • We spent TIME cuddling. Like you WANTED to. See, sometimes when people have been married for decades, and raised kids, they say, “Why can’t it be like it used to be?” Well Honey, THIS is the time to which people are referring when they say that ! ! ! The dating-for-8-months and spending-time-looking-into-each-other’s-eyes and kissing-for-hours and sex-all-the-time and tons-of-caressing and can’t-get-enough-of-one-on-one-time-together time… But we’re already not having that! I’ve never been through anything like this before : ( We only see each other on the weekends. In those early months, you didn’t email, text, and call others when on a date with me. Now you always do. What do you think that tells me? All these things tell me that: Either you were duping me into believing that that other way was the way you are, and feel and act or you have used up your boyfriendability – you give it all in the very beginning, and then are done, and that must be how it has been with everyone or You no longer feel that way about me I want to know which it is. Why would you pay Ja so immediately, but owe me for 4 months? That makes me feel like I’m not on your priority list. See? I’m also not entirely sure about trust. Because you lied so easily to me. For a whole week. No matter what we were doing, saying, whether I was crying…you promising over and over it was the truth… For a stupid little musical, you lied to me for a week, so easily and so consistently. And L, you do seem to be obsessed with Jo. This situation is very unnerving to me. Do you wish Jo never broke up with you? Do you wish you could be with her? You talk almost constantly about her. And you tell me things about her. Right down to the smell of sex together in the room, with the condom hanging from the ceiling., oh my God. Down to things you said on your first date, . . . so many details. Meanwhile you usually don’t remember anything about our first FEW dates, whether you picked me up from the airport, Ph’s name, what grade I teach…that every night I told you I was turning on my heated mattress, …so many things. Honey, it’s in big ways. Most hours with me, you have mentioned her at least 5 times! And it was always my favorite when you call me, “Sweetheart.” But it sounds almost the same the times I hear you call her that. You need to search your feelings, L. And even little things, but insidious and they build up: the flashlight thing, the way you always say her name like it’s magic – with big caps - the way you look at her. One night, the four of us were out in Manhattan, and I LITERALLY came within SECONDS of standing up and saying, “I’m not doing this anymore,” and just walking out and taking a car home! (But just then you touched me and I didn’t.) Because after weeks of it, here we were again: we’d sat down and you and she had immediately started talking talking talking across the table just the two of you to each other, leaving me and S out totally, and that left me to his diatribe du jour. Then there was the famous Cheesecake Factory incident, when you talked on and on and on diagonally across the table, across me, to her, about MEMORIES! Songs you used to sing together, and on and on and on… Last Sun – me in your bed, where you’ve made love to her, having to see on the video what she looked like when you - your words -“lusted for her” – you who already NEVER lust for me and hadn’t come near me in 8 weeks! And you kept pushing it and pushing it. Do you have any idea how much this hurt me? Do you see? What am I to think? Today is November 15. The last romantic thing you sent me was a gorgeous poem on Labor Day, September 3. About a fourth of our relationship ago. The last time you touched me was September 9. About a fourth of our relationship ago. I’ve always been honest with you Honey. I do not want to be called your girlfriend but be your friend. Is it a difference in definition? See, but for a few minutes per weekend of kissing, this feels an awful lot like friendship to me. I’m NOT criticizing you, L! If this is how you really are in a relationship, and not like the guy I met last winter, that’s fine. But it is not for me. L Dear, when I first met you, I felt fine about myself. And even better when and right after I’d be with you! And always happily anxious for the next time! Now, well now, by the end of each of our weekends, I feel worse about myself : ( That’s bad. You used to speak of my femininity, and act like you cherished it. Now, I don’t even feel much like a woman when I’m with you. Ouch. I care for you very much, Dear. And I would love for this to work. But - here are some things: 1. When we were just dating lightly you were romantic and sexual and sweet and kind of prioritizing me. But now, we are closer, we’ve met some family and friends, we are known as a couple, we are exclusive, …and yet you’re not those ways anymore. I don’t understand. 2. It would kill my spirit and maybe me, to have to continue to be the male energy in the relationship. I cannot do it. Honey, I know you like assertive women. You’ve made that clear. But I am not one. You have to decide how important that is to you. I cannot provide it. And likewise, I need the man to be the leader. 3. I need to be cherished. You used to be like sad when I’d arrive on Saturdays, saying, “Oh. Before I know it you’ll be going again!’ I felt so special. And I loved being with you all the time. Now it’s like, “Gotta go.” “Yeah. Bye.” So different. L, if you do the math, how many times have we been together – 35 times? Literally. You are already acting like a friend after only 35 times together? I CANNOT do this. 4. I am willing to make some changes of course! But if what you want is just qualitatively different than who I am, then we mustn’t pretend. I have discussed this with my doctor. In the very beginning (although this is supposed to still BE the beginning, but I mean our beginning) he was concerned that you were coming on so strong. Yesterday he said, “Strong flame, short fuse.” I asked what he meant. He said in affect, that maybe you gave it all in the beginning and that’s all you have to give and you’re done. L Dear, I do not want to hurt you! And you have a right to be exactly who you are! But I am unhappy in this relationship. And I’m probably putting some of that on you, too. So: Do you have a desire for it to work? If not, I accept that. If so, what ideas do you have? Thank you, Lynn