Grats

I am grateful: 1. This morning/afternoon, lying on the l.r. floor with L, listening to music. 2. And caressing. 3. And that it was mostly him caressing me. 4. That he said, this weekend, “I love you very much.” 5. And, “My love.” 6. And, “Darling.” Like two or three times. 7. That I was able to bring up the big issues. 8. Letter and all. 9. And that he was so sweet and responsive. 10. It is not all settled. May or may not be able to be. But I faced it, he faced it as well as he could, and he responded so dearly. 11. The Myers-Briggs course. 12. And that we took it together. 13. And that he loved it. 14. And would even take the next one with me too! 15. That I was able to finish my paper while still there. Phew. 16. And all my paper work too. Phew. 17. That the teacher let us do that. 18. That everyone is doing the best we can, and trying to not torture ourselves. I am NOT talking about cutting corners like where the kids are concerned, but just making it livable. Because we are people too. 19. That L talked about specific details of how we would live together one day. I know it won’t happen – because I believe *I * won’t be able to do this with him. But it was so nice to hear. 20. M sharing with me that she would LOVE to have a guy who is affectionate and kissy and caressy but not sexual. She doesn’t think I am this way, and I’m probably not(!) but maybe someday I will be? I don’t know… 21. That I was able to help Jo a little bit with her depression. 22. That Ma just let me put the check in her mailbox, rather than having to drive over there with it!:) Phew, what a relief! (I feel like it shouldn’t be such a big relief, but it is!:) 23. That I did it (check) 24. That I spoke with my mother a few times today. 25. And she sounds good. 26. I will see her after school Tuesday, please God: ) 27. That I am relatively relaxed – especially considering this report card deadline looming! 28. I am so grateful for “the faith that overcomes panic!” 29. And that I am really okay inside. Right now! 30. That L and I just (each from our own house) ordered a copy of the Myers-Briggs book. And maybe will become like a little book club together. 31. That, after all the drama about who wants to come here, who doesn’t, and who needs to or thinks they need to, I am just about ready for Thanksgiving no matter WHO comes! 32. Sitcoms. 33. That I must and will get my tv connecting cable wire thing fixed for the other side of the house (I have one, old, 27 inch tv in the little teeny den in the back). 34. This blog 35. That M just called. 36. Again. 37. And we laughed so much! 38. Again! 39. And that I can really APPRECIATE laughter. I remember when I was so serious that I thought it a wasteful frivolity! 40. MA 41. And – all the lessons I’ve learned from her 42. ML 43. And 44. And – all the lessons I’ve learned from her 45. That I AM, slowly but surely, making progress through the report cards. 46. This, from today’s Language of Letting Go: “Let yourself be nurtured and loved.” 47. That I just don’t care. About a lot of the crap. Like whether someone doesn’t “like” some of my report cards. Who is coming here for Thanksgiving or not. Deadlines. For right now, I just can’t care. 48. And this: “What are our needs? What would feel good? What kinds of ways would we like others to nurture and support us? The clearer we can be about our needs, the greater the possibility they will be met.” Oh, I love this! 49. And “Today, I will open to recognizing my needs for nurturing.” 50. And “I will be open to the needs of those around me too.” 51. And “I can begin taking a nurturing, loving attitude toward myself and by taking responsibility for my needs in relationships.” 52. This, from today’s Today’s Gift: “We learn, first, to be ourselves, to make independent choices.” And this is what I did with London! 53. And, “We dare to do things on our own.” Yay! 54. And, “Things as simple as going for a walk by ourselves and smelling the scents of nature.” Oh. Yes. Good. And that’s how it started! 55. This one scares me, but it’s good! “Being ourselves means bringing our own world to meet the world of our loved ones, rather than depending on them to make our world.” Wow. 56. And this is good too: “Am I making my own happiness so I may share it with others?” 57. Oh! I love this! "I always entertain great hopes." Robert Frost 58. “What can they do to me? Then can take my job, sure. But they can’t take my dignity.” *I * am the person who said that! And MEANT it! When I was new and untenured and it looked like they had to cut – which would mean me. And I really MEANT it! 59. That I am not depressed like I was. Oh, *thank You, God! * 60. That “the open, generous smile of a small child reaches into the soft part of us all.” 61. My liver 62. My lungs 63. My brain 64. My kidneys 65. Peppers 66. That I have a lasagna (vegan of course) that I made and froze 67. And am ready for my mother to visit on Thanksgiving 68. That after not liking the way L was on the phone tonight, I sent him an email. No rewording it, couching it, changing it for a week. I have tried to talk to him about these things. I mentioned every night this week that there was a serious issue and it HAD to be addressed. Shared it last night. After reworking it for a WEEK! He chose to not even take the letter WITH him. No resolution. And a decision to not look at it this week, right? He is doing all he can. He loves me; I know that. But I think he is just too damaged. And I cannot go on this way. So I’m glad I sent it. I deserve more. 69. I’m glad I know I deserve more. 70. And that I helped Jo again tonight. 71. And S too. 72. I am grateful for my legs 73. And feet 74. And hands 75. And nails 76. And for eyesight. 77. And for my courage! 78. And that I sleep during the nights. 79. And for my earrings that I bought in London. 80. I am grateful for the readings. 81. And this blog 82. And everyone who looks at it. 83. And that I have never had to worry about starving to death 84. Or dying of thirst 85. Or war on my street 86. And that I have a voice 87. And my heart is good 88. And my blood 89. And my healthy skin. I am so lucky for all these things. 90. And I know how to meditate. 91. I am grateful for O 92. And of course BIG-TIME for M. 93. And that I’m still kind of okay. 94. And for pills. Like my Paxil, and Valium, neither of which I take a lot. 95. And red wine – and that I don’t overdo it or have any kind of drinking problem 96. And that I’m doing better with my eating problem. 97. And orgasms. Maybe with the next guy, I’ll get to have them again. 98. My strength 99. That I didn’t give up and just post fewer grats today. No matter HOW late it is. 100. All the help Li has given me 101. All the help my dr has given me