My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful: 1. This line, from today’s Each Day a New Beginning: “I will take charge of my life today.” Must. Must do that. Will. 2. Oh! And this! Oh! “We'll find all the day's activities, interactions, and plans decidedly more exciting when we exercise control over our responses. We don't have to feel or respond except in the way that pleases us. We have total control and we'll find this realization exhilarating.” 3. This, from Food for Thought: “By Your grace, may I survive the hard times.” This, that I wrote to L. this morning (we did talk yesterday).: “I don’t want to hurt you! I am so confused and so hurting. Maybe, as frightening as this is to me, we should gulp not talk for a few days? See how each feels? You would not (I assume) be in touch with S or Jo or Jon or me. Maybe you would do your music, or walk alone…? I would not talk about you and us with my friends. I would practice piano, maybe see a movie alone, read, CLEAN THIS PLACE UP(!), do for my mother… And miss you terribly terribly much I saw your facebook posts of last night. I am said that you are going through that. (I could not comment because I'm not allowed on the site.) Honey, I say this out of care. Yes, apparently they did break your confidences. I didn’t even realize that at first. But remember – these were betrayals of me. So they betrayed you for betraying me. It is no worse, what they did to you, their loved friend, than what you did to my, your loved girlfriend. Maybe you should forgive. And have your friends back. What you were doing was wrong Dear. They THOUGHT what they were doing was right. You KNEW what you were doing was deceitful to me. Maybe you don’t want to lose your friends right now... (Now I WILL tell you that S has said something of which I do not approve at all: That he will never speak to you again unless you go to therapy and HE is allowed to tell YOUR therapist YOUR problems! *I * find this MAJOR CONTROL-FREAK STUFF! *I * personally would never agree to it. I WOULD agree to someone I love who loves me talking to my therapist privately. But not this kind of control-freak stuff. However, you might – it’s up to you.) I say this NOT in a nasty way. If you could hear my voice, you would hear that it is very soft and caring. Maybe you could think about ---WHY you needed to take walks with Li And tell friends And keep it from me AND never even tell me that she exists even as a friend or anything. There MUST be some reason. WHY? ---WHY You needed to accompany P. C. to the doctor and dinner or whatever And tell friends but keep it from me WHY? ---WHY You needed to not tell me about that little party thing. WHAT did you have to lose by telling me? Even knowing that they would all know you did this to me. ---WHY You had to list the people and leave one out – one I believe means NOTHING. What would be the reason for that? I never even asked you who was there. I never asked any other time either. ---WHY You broke my confidence about J. I opened up to you in vulnerability and trusted you, my boyfriend. Why would you need to break that trust and tell Jo and tell S (those are the two that I know of). If you felt it important for them to know, on my behalf, or for your own reasons, couldn’t you have told me you’d like to gently mention it to a friend or two whom you trust and who will never meet John, and get my permission? Rather than betray my trust? Honey, you are willing to lose “lifelong friends” over the fact that they betrayed your trust. But Dear, in these ways listed above, you betrayed my trust. How would this reconcile? I can’t for the life of me imagine how. You are so hurt that they betrayed you. Can’t you see that it’s the same thing you did to me? Were these things between us? Is that what was missing in your eyes? Did you know you’re getting closer closer to me yet staying further through these betrayals? Was there guilt? Or anger at me somehow? Or fear of closeness? I cannot think of reasons for these things. (Except maybe the party because maybe you were afraid I’d want to come or be insulted by you for not wanting me to because of the hassles of the next day and all?). Perhaps you just need to keep a lot of things private? I can't figure out any of it. :( Love, Lynn 4. And I’m grateful for this, also from today’s Food for Thought. I needed this: “There are times when all we can manage is to hang on, to survive. We know in our heads that these times will eventually pass. Practicing Step Eleven convinces us in our hearts that God is in charge, no matter how far away He may seem to be.” 5. In fact, that whole passage. Worth rereading! 6. That I am going to take care of my RESPONSIBILITES before collapsing today. 7. And be good to those children. 8. And my conference parent. 9. That yesterday’s conferences went very very well. 10. That these children have such nice parents. I am so happy for them. 11. That they are in this class together. If *I * had a child, THIS is the class in which I’d want him to be! So sweet. So innocent. 12. Today’s Language of Letting Go – wow. Wow. 13. I am grateful fort the Today Show this morning. 14. And that apparently nice people won the lottery. 15. And for that policeman who bought boots for that homeless man. 16. And that that photo went viral. That means something nice about people. 17. And for my white lamp in the dark blue den. 18. And for electricity. 19. And my honestly with L. All of it that I’ve had. 20. And the wonderful fun hot loving sex we did have. 21. And that I am not the person I was in my twenties. Not as scared. 22. Not as hypochondriacal 23. Not as negative about myself. 24. Not as vain 25. Not quite as crazy 26. Not quite as desperate 27. Not quite as negative in general 28. Not as phobic 29. Not as scared of working 30. Not as bad at piano 31. Not as shy 32. Not as “paranoid” about others 33. Not AS crazed about what others think of ME 34. Not as shallow 35. Not as physically sick as frequently 36. Not as accident prone 37. Not as fearful of being with my mother 38. Not as feeling-like-a-victim 39. Not as looking-for-an-answer-out-there 40. Not as selfish 41. Not as self-centered 42. Much better at gift-selecting 43. And giving 44. More relaxed 45. More able to ENJOY – not always SERIOUS! 46. Wow. So happy for all of these! And still not wrinkled : ) 47. Coffee this morning 48. Which I’d made yesterday 49. Today’ sunrise. I feel better more easily when it’s lighter out 50. That I’ve been in Los Angeles 51. And Barbados 52. And Bermuda 53. And Montreal 54. And Washington, D.D. 55. And Maryland 56. And Virginia 57. And Iowa 58. And Jersey 59. And Staten Island 60. And Connecticut 61. And Massachusetts 62. And LONDON!!! 63. That I have sat with Thich Nhat Hanh! What a life! Wow! 64. That I do not have a dread disease right now. 65. Or a paralyzing injury ( I have had) 66. My voice. I remember when I didn’t have it for the better part of 8 months 67. My mother’s good days right now 68. M is doing much better emotionally! 69. I might get to go WITH O to her concert! 70. AND – she has said that sometime I could be there while she practices! Wow! 71. M’s girls are apparently doing well right now. 72. L and I had a nice e-exchange this am. I do NOT think I will be going out with him ever again! OR staying friends! BUT – I’m happier that we’re being nice for today, before the never-talk-again. 73. I’ve been invited to a party with his friends. Without him. I will NOT go. But I’m glad they took to me so much. (I actually though, need to be away from this whole group). 74. That I cleaned up at school yesterday. 75. Chili 76. Fresh homemade soup. I think I shall make some this weekend: ) 77. And/or my mother’s stew! Maybe even bring some to her? ! 78. J. 79. Pedicures. Haven’t had one in MONTHS. Might get one this Sunday: ) 80. My eyedrops 81. That coffee helps my mood 82. That somehow, somehow, I do have enough energy to GET THROUGH enough of the day each day. Phew. 83. Broccoli in garlic sauce for lunch today. 84. And a fresh organic orange. Wow! 85. That more people are catching on that the Van Wyck Expressway is supposed to be pronounced ‘VAN WIKE.” 86. Peace everywhere there is peace. 87. Email 88. Books 89. My Nook 90. That I have good books to read this weekend. Schubert 91. Mendelssohn 92. Nicholas and Alexandra 93. The new one for the book club 94. And more ( I am reading 8 – 9 books) 95. And time to read. Finally. 96. Don’t know what I’ll do with the yarn I bought for Louis’ sweater. I WANT to ENJOY making it! And have already PAID FOR the yarn! BUT – I don’t know how to do some of it, and the place that can help is over an hour away! Wait – I know two people in person who can help. I’ll ask one of them! Good. 97. I’m glad I just thought this through. Now, what to DO WITH the sweater, I don’t know. Donate it to something for charity. Yes. Good 98. Glad I thought that through too. 99. And maybe I’ll find another one of those charities that accepts little squares of knitting, and puts them together into blankets for people who need. 100. OR – do it myself as I enjoy knitting little squares AND enjoy sewing them together – and give them to hospitals or something. Good 101. That I have 100 gratitudes. Again. : )