100 Grats Today

I am grateful: 1. For waiting before discussing my problems with the relationship with L. I think this weekend, in person, will be a much better time to do it. Gently and considerately for him, but honestly, bravely and realistically for me. God, grant me strength… 2. That my mother had a NICE day with me yesterday! 3. And I had a nice day with her! 4. We didn’t get the lawyer thing done. But we will, and her money will be safe. 5. I got my grocery shopping done. 6. And we got hers done too. 7. I have one call to make today, lawyerly, and it makes me nervous, but experience IS telling me I CAN do this! Wow. 8. L is coming today! On a Friday! 9. And gonna meet me at school! 10. Then we’re taking that course together! 11. And I’m glad he’ll be staying over for two nights. 12. That I came home yesterday and made a nice little lasagna. As a vegan, of course I don’t make a turkey(!). And my mother is coming for Thanksgiving. And I have report cards due and can’t get into the site. Time, energy, stress… So now, if worse comes to worse, I can at least serve lasagna and salad, and store-bought something for l.r. before and vegan store-bought pie, and make a little soup and we’ll still have a nice dinner. 13. L MIGHT come too. That’s nice. 14. And POSSIBLY – S and Jo. More likely just my mother, but we’ll see. Maybe. 15. I have invited. Good 16. MAYBE I’ll be able to get report cards done in time and make something else, nice, like my amazing vegan spanakopita. 17. The great health food store stuff I bought yesterday for me and L tonight! Yay. Healthy 18. And delicious too 19. That I can still afford to go there. 20. Today SHOULD be an easy day teaching-wise 21. My doctor (shrink) said two very important things. The first was, I finished talking about the last weeks with L (because dr hasn’t been here in a while again) and he said, “Strong flame, short fuse.” I asked what he meant and he said, “He came on so strong in the beginning (last spring). It’s like that was all he had.” Wow. I’ve been wondering something like that too. 22. And then, this: He said, “As you’re talking, I’m picturing my best friend from high school. I loved him. Anything that happened, I wanted to tell him. Anything to do, I wanted to do it with him. But he was my FRIEND. That’s different than lover. That’s what THIS sounds like.” Yes! That’s how I feel a lot of the time! : ( 23. Also – and I hadn’t told him this, for the past weeks, I’ve been thinking of/ picturing my 7th-8th grade best girlfriend. (I even dreampt of her last night). I am certainly not grateful that this is the situation, but I am grateful that I’ve thought of it and that dr. said those helpful things. Sad, but grateful. 24. That I told M I “needed” her if convenient this morning, and she did call. 25. I’m grateful for friends. 26. And that my dear MA is still alive (serious lung issues, that WILL kill her probably within 5 ½ years: ( 27. That I say my little Buddhist sort of “grace” so frequently now. Not really a Buddhist thing, just a sort of universal thing. Here’s one: 1. This food is a gift from the earth, the sky, the universe, numerous living beings and much hard work. 2. May we eat with mindfulness and gratitude so as to be worthy to receive it. 3. May we transform our unwholesome mental formations, especially our greed, and learn to eat with moderation. 4. May we keep our compassion alive by eating in such a way that we reduce the suffering of all beings, preserve our planet and reverse the process of global warning. 5. We accept this food so we can nurture our brotherhood and sisterhood, strengthen our community, and nourish our ideal of serving all beings. 28. And this: “Beginning to Eat – With the first taste, I offer joy. With the second, I help relieve the suffering of others. With the third, I see others’ joy as my own. With the fourth, I learn the way of letting go.” 29. The Five Mindfulness Trainings. Which can be read at: http://www.plumvillage.org/mindfulness-trainings/3-the-five-mindfulness-trainings.html 30. I am grateful for this life, after all. 31. And that I still have it. 32. And for my body working well 33. And continuing weight loss 34. And everyone who has ever been compassionate with me 35. And every time I’m compassionate with other(s) 36. And with non-human animals too! 37. SO grateful that I am a vegan 38. And do not wear leather. Running too late – must do rest later1. I am grateful that I am able to get online now into our report card site, with help from LAST YEAR’S computer teacher! (through this one) + these, makes 100 - no time to fix the numbering, though! 2. I am grateful that the sub yesterday found this class every bit as amazing as I find them 3. And that I rewarded them for that! 4. I am grateful for little G and her sweet smile that crunches up her eyes 5. And Th, who after 2 months of school, seems finally to be coming into his own 6. And Books 7. And my Nook 8. And my bed 9. And my heated mattress pad 10. And that I won’t be sleeping alone tonight 11. Probably no tomorrow night either 12. And almost definitely not sleeping-alone-every-night-for-the-rest-of-my-life 13. And little J, with his dark hair and blue eyes and great personality 14. And that L has said (to S) that I have EVERY SINGLE ONE of the characteristics he’s always been looking for in a woman 15. Including loves Shostokovich 16. Vegetarian 17. “great personality” 18. loves classical music 19. art museums 20. my exact body type 21. can appreciate one particular perclivity of his, which I’m not comfortable to write here 22. love caressing his arm 23. I am grateful that I bought MYSELF a Christmas present! 24. And it is a Kandinsky 2013 calendar 25. And it has come to my house! 26. As have the first two of the gifts I’ve bought/ordered for L (although who knows now if I’ll still be seeing him) 27. I’m grateful that I am as good as I am at teaching elementary math – considering how I struggled (with bad teachers_ through algebra, trig, and calculus 28. Grateful that I’m healthy 29. And that my mother is not decrepitating as she usually has, after returning home from her rehab stay at the nursing home this time 30. That she now admits she needs the full-time help. 31. They they ARE helping here 32. That my desk isn’t too horrible right now 33. That I have wine for me ( for a glass) and L is bringing fo him, for dinner tonight 34. That I can see 35. And hear 36. And speak 37. And walk 38. And breathe on my own 39. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water 40. My house not having been destroyed or even damaged in the storm 41. M’s idea of “Fun Friday” for the kiddis at school 42. And that I do it 43. And that they love it 44. And that we DID manage to have Share Time today 45. Kisses. May I have many more 46. That I did help Jo today 47. Grateful for Graph Art for the kiddies 48. And that it teaches some good math skills 49. And that they like it 50. And don’t cheat at it (anymore) : ) 51. Grateful that I’m going to M’s brunch where she will be honored – for her 52. And making the contribution 53. And that MAYBE L will come 54. And that neither S nor Jo will (I hope!) pressure L about coming to me on Thanksgiving. Because I really want to see what HE does! 55. Ju and how helpful a student she is 56. And that she does not seem troubled, like she apparently has been before this grade 57. H – may he feel less nervous all the time, soon! 58. All the kids to whom I gave the extension math today! 59. Sex. (May I have some again) 60. I am determined that I WILL feel desirable again! If not by L, then by somebody or somebodies else! 61. God 62. Thich Nhat Hanh