I don't know

what it's going to take.

If I can heal.

Some people get over far far worse things.

Done to them.

Even done by them.

But for whatever the fuck reason,
I still suffer from, from my damage.

And I hate so much of what I have to do.
But - there is so much I could and would hate MORE.
Like those awful 10 days in the hospital afraid for my life (based on what dr. told me). What if I had had THOSE and WITHOUT J instead of with, as I did... Just for an example.

I feel so weak.
And am SO disappointed in myself.
But what can I do?
I can only do what I can.

So
today, tomorrow, friday and saturday and sunday
just 4 1/2 days
what I shall do is:

Keep eating the veggies
pray
practice piano
clean something. maybe one room a day. or even half.
do laundry
just stay sane no matter what
and take care of the birds of course

the end
...