It Has Changed. I - Have Changed. The Biggest Phew.

I realize how disabled I’d been!

I mean, yesterday, I almost called J begging for help. Some of what I had to do was call lawyer for him to describe exactly what I needed. Another was going through hundreds and hundreds of envelopes and papers. Another was to somehow get a letter from human resources about my mother, as her power of attorney. But I hadn’t signed the affidavit and couldn’t find the information… Another was to get her most recent banking statement.

Were these huge tasks? Not to you, I bet.

*I * was overwhelmed.

Shaky voice on phone.

Afraid driving to bad neighborhood to city hall.

Nervous to even meet these people.

Nervous they wouldn’t comply.

Nervous about parking there as my registration sticker was still on my table – I’d forgotten to put it on my car…  Couldn’t find it for a year and never wrote to them (or called them) for a new one. Yes that is embarrassing. But I admit everything here.

Nervous about what I might find at bank.

Nervous about getting the wrong papers…

SO nervous, that I called my MOTHER – to see if she had any of this stuff. SO GLAD no answer!  Should NOT have troubled HER!

Got all, GOT. ALL.

and decided to get to post office to get it in the mail and off my head. So much on my head for so long.

At the post office, I was literally shaking. Literally. My hands weren’t working properly. I had to say to the clerk, “I’m sorry. I’m shaking.”

(At the human resources place, on the other hand, they liked me so much. Didn’t on phone. But in person, saw that I was not causing trouble and was going along with their rules. -Probably used to dealing with people who are trying to circumvent the rules.-  And, as people irl always seem to, they really enjoyed my sense of humor.)

All with carotid artery results and weight dr. visit at 4, hanging over my head.

At the dr’s office, he said I’ve got issues. I told him about my binge disorder and he added “anxiety.”  He likes me, I think (new dr to me) but wants me to relax more.  He is both wrong and right I think (misunderstands a little). But the part that is right is the part with which I must deal in myself.

Anyway –

I DID it.

And THAT is different than the past.

That phobia is gone.

To THINK of the terror - the avoidance - the paralysis - for so long. 

The neck pain I've had for a YEAR AND A HALF - that is GONE now!

Hope. There is ALWAYS hope. If *I* have done it,... anyone can.

***The veil behind which everything was shrouded, the mystery through which “everyone else could see but I was defective” – is lifted. It started at the airport before London. These people are there, getting paid, to help people like me…

It ended, I believe, yesterday. “Human Resources” is not only there to PROVIDE RESOURCES FOR HUMANS lol, but is a regular little office with 2 desks, and louvre doors hiding the closet that is now the kitchen – a little – and I mean little – sink, coffee pot and microwave.  Just ordinary. Just people. Just jobs. The banker made copies for me of stuff I didn’t even get t the bank. The post office ldy waited patiently while my hands shook. And – there were two customers before me, who were more crazy. I felt bad for them. I pray for them today, really.

Wow.

I can’t think of another phobia. I have had many. But I can't think of any that are left.

For anyone reading who is in trouble as I used to be, I had real phobias. Couldn't do own errands anymore. Elevators. Airplanes. Tunnels. Bridges. Underpasses. Etc. Yes, part of it came out because bad issues when living with J. And part because he seemed to need to take care of me and I allowed and then got worse. But ! - wouldn't have happened, let alone worsened, if *I* hadn't had those characteristics to begin with!

I put this here for me. Because putting it just in a Microsoft Word document is just me alone and I am a bit too lonely already.

***But I ALSO put this here because SOMEONE might be reading it, who suffers as I do, or in some other way. There IS hope. Look at the things   I’ve been through. And my BELOVED husband has left me. And I am fat and have eye problems. And stress at work. And money issues a bit. And tiny house falling apart… … … Mother so old and sick. Etc. Etc. (Stopping this list now before I feel bad; there may even be more - oh yeah, like depression and eating disorder...?).

But I am OKAY. I awoke smiling and thanking God.

And maybe, maybe, I will always be scared. But now I know – it will pass. Hold on. Get through it. It will pass. The light will shine and you WILL have another GOOD day! Me too!

And then the capper, that my carotid arteries are fine.

DASH diet for a lifetime, here we come: )

God bless you if you read this. There is hope.

And if you don’t believe there is a god, or don’t like that phrase, I meant no offense. For you I say, Good luck and remember – hold on, there is hope.

Gratitudes coming…