My Aunt, Life, Death, Funeral, and Grieving

I posted something on my vb today. Reposting it here and adding an addendum below the line.

Hi Friends,
My aunt died. I just want to share here and not sit with it alone.
I am okay. She was quite old and we all die.

My aunt was a teacher. For 44 years. A great one. Bright and dedicated. Top of her profession. Hard working. Beautiful classroom. Happy students who learned so much. I know. I spent days there, different years.

My aunt loved me and my sister. I have videos, and more importantly, memories. Of the sleepovers, the "buy anything you want" trips to the stores (of course we didn't - we would pick one little thing), the green stamps, the going through drawers with her, the rose room, the many family dinners where we would sit for hours and hours and talk and share, her abject grief when my father died so young and tragically, her contagious laughter, her sauce, her smile, her bad driving.

My aunt died Monday. Her service is today. J and my mom and I are going. There will be few people as she was so old.
Mom has psychiatric problems and cannot go to a church, long story. J feels he would just like to go to the 9am thing and then back to work (starting his own business, not making money yet, sets own schedule). He will do more if I need because trying to be decent. I need but won't ask. Don't need him thinking of me as more of a burden.

Am crying but okay, as I think about my aunt and her life. How many children she helped. Including me:) How her teaching influenced mine. How her degrees influenced me. How she helped me and gave me so many materials my first year.

And how she stole, yes literally stole, money from my father, became very wealthy herself, and is leaving everything to her other nephew.

But I loved my aunt.
And have guilt about not seeing her more these years.

That's all.

And I'm okay.

May nap later, which I rarely do.
May go out with work friends this eve for dinner, or personal friend, or to an oa meeting.
May sit and sip blooming tea.
May lie on couch with tv and drift off, which can be comforting to me sometimes although probably not healthy.

Will now check threads, call my oa sponsor, meditate, and start that thread.

Thank you for listening!

--

Went. J drove me and my mom. And we dropped her off and he came with me to the church. And he will check in later with me and with Mom. He was very generous and gracious. As was I, being totally supportive of the stopping there rather than going to the cemetery and lunch.

I cried a bit. Received communion, and so many things too - father, mother, guilt, wishes for having given more time to my aunt, general sorrow.
Then called 3 friends and the one who was the one I kept picturing sitting with and having lunch or something *was* available. So I went and visited for about an hour and a half. Not a sad aunt-died visit. A nice girlfriends visiting visit.

I'll be okay. From this at least.