Wednesday - Gratitudes are important, so...

I used to do them because I was just filled with gratitude. Period. No thoughts of how it might help me to do them...
Then one day I was saying how grateful I was for access to clean fresh water, which I am (!) and a vber came on to say she thought it was bullshit when people were always saying they were grateful, like for simple things like water. That hurt me a lot. It shouldn't have though. I should have realized that was just her viewpoint...

Now though, quite honestly, I am doing gratitudes (usually in a notebook though) because I am told to by my oa sponsor. That I am to do about 10 a day. And not the same old ones every day, but as current as possible. I am quite miserable and this is supposed to help me become able to live in more of a state of awareness about how lucky I am... and make my life better.

I met someone at a sangha (Buddhist group) once who said she was counseled to do 100 a day. 100 a day! Not repeating! And that she did, and her life changed, and she has been doing it now for 15 years. Wowie!!!

Here are today's, if I can think of any. It doesn't feel like I can right now, but I'll try (oooh - some are starting to come to me already as I type):

I am grateful:
1.  My Artist's Way friends. They are smart and whole and honest and funny and so often upbeat.
2.  My oa work. Day to day I don't feel it, but then, maybe it's why I'm now working hard on becoming whole rather than just on "holding onto" (yuck yuck yuck all the sicko connotations of unhealthy there) John.
3.  Hope. Hope that I'll be able to feed myself.
4.  Meredith. My staying there that awful night in May. Her generosity and love and acceptance. Her amazing cheerful loving way with the students. Her example. Her girls (2 daughters 4 and 6) and our afternoon together Saturday.
5. That I went to the library 3 x now. Got 5 books. Got 3 movies. Returned some and renewed some. Sounds little, but I haven't done that for years. AND it saves money.
6. Putting out the garbage. Also something I haven't done for years. And cannot remember EVER doing, although obviously I did, since I lived alone for 6 years. I've only done it twice now, and the first time I went downstairs later to see if it had been taken and felt so great when it had. And yesterday when I came home from work and saw it gone, it felt like a sense of accomplishment. That may seem pathetic to others, but I feel really good about it.
7.  Bringing my car for inspection Monday. Something John always did or we always did together. I hated doing it alone but then it turned out to be another source of good feeling about self and own capability.
8. Gonna bring it today for an oil change. That'll be good for me too.
9. Finally writing some painful Step 4 stuff out this morning. It felt good just to write it.
10. Phoebe, although not here and I miss her so much, is alive and well and happy.


Now confession time:
The night before last, when I was having such dizziness...I was afraid because didn't want it to be a stroke or heart attack or something because did NOT want to be disabled. And did not want to have to be in hospital without J. Other times I was in, he was there every day, and loved me.
But - if could have had one and died, would have been fine with that. Almost kind of wanted that.
Okay, confession time over.

Ending with more gratitudes:
*I will talk to Lionel (sponsor) in a few minutes and that is always good for me
*I will be with the innocent children today and that is a good place to be
*I will sleep tonight
*I feel my stomach grumbling. That's good.

If anyone is reading this, I'm so glad.