i have

cried for over 4 hours
in stores
at ww meeting
in cars
in my mother's apartment hall
on her aide's shoulder...

my shirt has been drenched all day

i have tried m, ma, st, o,
all busy
have tried dr.
no.

am on phone with l. but not telling problems

o will be available in just under an hour
i will go there for the hour she has for me

please pray for me

i have been realizing
i have been a farce
still not strong
still not whole
a pretender

i MUST
BECOME.
even if J. DID want me, which he doesn't, it would just be more of the same.
but at this age -
what the fuck am i "becoming" FOR?
to decripitate and die
poor no less

so scared

trying.

i swear

pleaes pray for me