Because, you see,

yesterday morning, L called and was talking about his gf F and how she is under SO MUCH stress, so no wonder she is driving him crazy.
And she DOES have a few things going on.

But later in day, I realized - wait - how many stressors do *I* have right now?
And I actually listed them.
And here they are:

• 3 eye problems
• when have the eye surgery can't see from other eye and will be here alone:( 
• and colon polyp need another colonoscopy and so much trouble finding someone to pick me up.... they will not release you to a cab
• carotid small problem
• blood sugar up and MUST get it down
• working on losing weight causes stress
• job stuff insane right now
• mother's health things
• mother's money things and all my mistakes and all that I must do
• mother's aides' things and all the phobic dealings I must do asap
• bitch sister doing not a fucking thing! even made mother cry on her birthday! only shows off in front of relative every few years and they seem to fall for it
• MA ill and it will kiss her
• shrink's wife going crazy and has left MANY (like 16 in one day) HORRIBLE messages here and i am literally worried for my shrink's safety! and he says I'm right to be. last week i literally had to make a decision about sending police there or not - this is my SHRINK - here to help ME - and now i am in all this pain and drama '
• plus probably have to lose him too! we are planning to plan it this coming wednesday
• speaking of loss, ML is losing it - her memory BAD - now REALLY bad with age and i am sad for her AND i am sad for me and my loss too!
• house in such need and i am overwhelmed
• my own money things
• the J things. I want SO MUCH. And must accept whatever...
• J's mother whom i love, gone - gone into alzheimer's - not even know own name now too
• I hate living alone
• I suffer from depression. and this very thursday eve was literally walking around house, saying, "Wow. I didn't know it would be like this. So this is the day I do it. Hurt myself. Wow."  But something told me to go drink a huge green drink and then decide and after it (nothing but dark leafy green veggies in nutriblast) I felt very unhappy but not suicidal...But have been suicidal feelings all summer, 1 1/2 weeks december, almost a week february, and this past thursday. fuck.
• and finger issue so piano not so much of an option

24 items on that list. it's a LOT

i should give myself some credit!

and go easier on myself!

through all of that i am great to friends and birds and great at job/ am doing best can / dancing fast as can.

it is maybe NORMAL to feel in crisis through ALL OF THAT AT ONCE

thank you for listening, anyone who did.